Previously: Baby momma drama.
Lorraine: Holtz is riding a horse in York, England 1764. He’s flagged down by another horse rider, waving around a torch. Torch Guy tells Holtz he’s found them.
We cut to a dimly lit house, where there is a knock on the door. A little girl opens to find Darla looking fabulous and Angel in another terrible wig. (K: WILL WE EVER BE FREE OF THE TERRIBLE WIGS???) (S: Forever ago, people promised us the wigs/accents got better. We’re already in season 3 and I feel lied to.) The little girl tries to pull the stranger danger card on them, but Angel knows her name and everything, so the little girl relents and lets them in. Angel locks the door behind them.
Holtz and Torch Man meet up with some other riders.
The little girl leads Angel and Darla to her mother. They say they’ve got a message for her husband, but then get super creepy about telling the message to the little girl. Turns out this is Holtz’s family and the message is basically, “We killed your family. LOL.”
Sweeney: I can’t explain why this troubles me so much more than the millionty adults they’ve killed, but this disturbed to no end. (Much like the baby back in “Darla.”) Same goes for stuff with kids on medical dramas. Cancer? Bummer. CHILD WITH CANCER? TEARS FOR DAYS AND DAYS.
By the time Holtz gets back to his house, it’s too late.
The sun rises on present day LA. Darla is resting in bed, pregnant like no one’s business. Angel comes in and watches her sleep before laying a tentative hand on that big ass belly. Darla stirs and puts her hand over his, before she asks if he’s going to do it, or if she is– the same words we just heard them ask each other about draining Baby Holtz.
After the credits, Holtz in present day is watching a number of TVs. The evil, smoking guy appears behind him, and I cheated and looked up his name. Sahjhan. I wonder if I can call him Jhanny. He starts speeching about all the stuff that’s happened on Earth while Holtz was being dead. Holtz asks about England and Jhanny is able to report that it’s all in one piece with warm beer and bad teeth to boot.
K: Mostly this scene reminded me of The Fifth Element.
Lor: Holtz wants to know why after all these years of wars and destruction, no one has managed to kill Angelus or Darla. Sahjhan says that’s why he brought back Holtz. His fate is entwined with theirs. Holtz is all, “COOL. LET’S GO KILL ANGELUS!” but Sahjhan wants to wait until they are ready for the season finale. Something like that.
Sweeney: It’s weird to me how big a character Holtz has turned out to be. Things I didn’t see coming: this.
In Angel’s room, he’s reminiscing with Darla about that one time he had a sex-piphany. This is interrupted by a knock on the door and all the rest of the Fang Gang come in. Wesley says they’ve had a break through with their prophetic scroll and all came up to be nosy. I MEAN, SHARE THE BREAKTHROUGH. Fred starts to give an overly babbled explanation, but stops herself to let Wesley finish: the Tro-clan is not a person or persons, it’s a series of events.
Angel thinks this is good news, but Wesley clarifies that there are still some Baby Brood prophecies that need to be translated. Darla says that she at least knows that something is protecting the baby. Fred asks how she knows, and Darla admits that she can’t get rid of it. Gunn, holding his crossbow, asks if anything would happen if he shot Darla through the stomach. She wants him to go for it, but Angel steps in the way. Wesley says that they will just wait for Baby Brood to be born, and then kill it. Angel says there will be no killing until they are sure what’s going on. Did he not share the “soul” piece of information? That seems like it’d be handy for everyone to know. Anyway, he says everyone not on Team Baby Brood can GTFO, and Darla is the first to shrug and start walking away. Angel grabs her back with a, “not you.”
K: Bless her for being pregnant as fuck and still wandering around in her sassy pants.
Sweeney: I’m still undecided on this arc itself, but I loved that whole thing that just happened. Angel’s weird (but not surprising but also scary because happiness? LOLJK, this can’t end in happiness) paternal instincts and Darla’s continued wearing of the sassy pants. I know there’s all the vampire/soul business at play, but I still appreciate the gender dynamics of Darla being the one whose all, “FUCK THIS PARASITE FOREVER!” I also just appreciate Darla.
Lor: Gunn lowers his crossbow. Angel calls Cordy and she clarifies that he wants her to protect the “vampire bitch who bit [her] and her evil love child.” You were all for it last episode, girlfriend. And she’s okay with it this episode, right after she decks Darla IN THE FACE. (S: TAG.)
Sweeney: I’m unsettled by the frequency with which the word “uterine” is used on this blog.
Lor: I’m really just unsettled by this one time.
We cut to Wolfram and Hart, where Lilah is signing a contract in blood. I could never be evil. I mean, besides the being evil stuff, there are some day to day aspects I could never get behind. Evil Organization: Sign in blood. Me: Sign in blood? Bitch, I got a Sharpie pen right here. A pack of these cost me $15. It might as well be blood.
K: A+, Lor. I’m also gonna point out that blood is in no way as red as what Lilah signs with.
Lor: Um, anyway. There is a knock on Lilah’s door and a mail clerk enters with his cart. Lilah gives him the blood signed contact to deliver. He uses this opportunity to tell Lilah how much he’s always admired her. She think she’s being asked out by a lowly mail guy, but he really just wants to give her the heads up about something he found. He hands her a CD and itt turns out to be a video of her Ten Second Tryst with Angel. Lilah yells at Mail Boy that she can’t be blackmailed, but he swears she has it all wrong. He just sees things in the mail room, and he knows he has to choose sides, so he’s choosing hers. Lilah threatens him until he gives her the name of who made the CD: Daniel Dae Kim. DDK sent exterminators to Angel’s place a few episodes ago, but they were really there to plant bugs.
Sweeney: I’m always confused when I hear his actual character name. Who is Gavin? OH! Daniel Dae Kim! Got it.
Lor: We cut to DDK’s super spy operation, which is really just one guy in front of a few fuzzy TV screens, transcribing things. (K: WORST JOB EVER.) Gavin is looking over a large file of transcriptions when Lilah walks in, very proud of herself, telling DDK that he can’t blackmail her. DDK says no one cares about her make-out sesh with an old man in Angel’s body. This was all just bait, and the Mail Boy was playing along. Lilah asks if this is him trying to recruit her to his team again, but DDK claims to want to gloat about all the super special work he’s been doing lately.
Lilah grabs the transcripts and immediately finds a reference to an unidentified pregnant female. They pop in the corresponding tape and Lilah ID’s Darla. She calls Linwood and tells him he won’t believe what she’s looking at.
Darla is mid-contraction, and Fred tells us the last one was 20 minutes ago. Still too far apart. Darla thinks something is wrong, because of all the pain. She wants Baby Brood out ASAP.
K: I was going to be all “LOL, YOU FUCKING WUSS, DARLA. Shit’s only just getting started,” but then I remembered that she’s gone over 300 years without period pain, so maybe I should give her a free pass on the “OW, MY UTERUS IS AN EVIL BITCH” front. Carry on.
Lor: And I suspect Baby Brood is being extra intense about his entrance into the world.
Darla freaks out when Wesley says average labor is 18 hours. Angel helps her get back in bed and everyone vacates the room.
Outside, Angel says they need to find out what Baby Brood is. Gunn suggests a demon-y doctor, but Darla’s already gone the shaman and mystics route. Fred asks about a real hospital, and while admitting her would be silly, Wesley says they could use real hospital equipment.
Sweeney: Fred mentions real doctors and hospitals a couple times. I enjoyed that subtle reinforcement of her status as the resident scientist.
Lor: At Wolfram & Hart, Linwood is walking down a hall, flanked by Lilah and DDK. He’s whining about missing the whole pregnancy and he’s worried about his quality of life, because the Senior Partners are going to be pissed. They keep walking and Mail Boy sticks his head out of a nearby room. He retreats back inside and we follow him in, where he’s making a phone call. He reaches a recording for a Tittle family. Press one for Christine, two for Bentley and three for Master Tarfall, Underlord of Pain. Mail Boy, whose name is Cyril by the by, picks three and tells Master Tarfall that thing he foresaw has come true, and they must alert the others.
We head over to York, England, nine years later. Not nine years later from present day, but nine years after Angelus and Darla feasted on the Holtz’s family. He’s still pretty sad about that, and we can tell because he’s sadly staring at a fire. Some smoke gathers just behind him and materializes. Without looking back, Holtz threatens whatever has just entered his house, and it’s Jhanny! Holtz tells him to be a man and show his face, but he isn’t a man. Or, he is masculine but he isn’t human. Jhanny explains that Holtz is going to die a bitter old man with no opportunity to ever see Angelus or Darla again. Jhanny can transport him to the future, though, where he’ll have a chance to exact his revenge. All Jhanny needs is his word that he won’t show future!Angelus or future!Darla mercy. We don’t hear Holtz’s answer, but clearly he was all about getting his future murder on.
The whole Fang Gang have managed their way into the hospital. They wheel Darla into a surgical teaching room and no one is going to notice at all. Darla mentions that her contractions have stopped, and Wesley reaches out, but then withdraws his hand. He asks her permission and she says she won’t bite him. He feels her stomach, while guessing that maybe she was having Braxton-Hicks. This does not make Darla happy.
K: Understandably, given how she’s already been screaming in pain.
Lor: Gunn and Fred have stolen an ultrasound machine from somewhere, but don’t worry! No one will miss it because this is only a hospital! No one pays attention to things here.
Holtz is pacing in front of his TVs. Jhanny comes in and Holtz yells at him because he to kills Angelus already! Holtz tries to hit or choke Jhanny but his hands go right through him. Smokey bad guy, remember? Jhanny reminds him that things aren’t so simple and there are certain rules and timelines they have to follow. Jhanny runs his hands along the side of his face and his face morphs into something human looking. He tells Holtz that he’s got some minions lined up for him.
At Wolfram & Hart, they got a bunch of psychics together, and are asking why no one foresaw the vampire pregnancy. This isn’t going well for the psychics. Linwood tells Lilah that they need to get to Baby Brood first, dissect it and figure out what it means. Linwood then makes it clear that he’s going to blame everything on Lilah. DDK is enjoying himself, but Lilah has a plan. She makes a phone call.
We cut to a guy wearing a turban but not wearing a shirt. He’s meditating in front of a candle, and manages to set a tissue in his hand on fire. Not with the candle, WITH HIS MIND. The tissue fire goes out, and he answers his phone. He says he understands, hangs up, puts out the candle and stands. He then telekinesis-es a nearby sword to him and waves it around a few times all, “look at how ninja-killer-y I am!” Yep. We get it, Ninja Killer.
Wesley is conducting the ultrasound and tells everyone Darla is having a human. I mean, he wouldn’t actually be able to tell that it’s human from an ultrasound, just that it’s human shaped. Wouldn’t a baby vampire look human-like? BUT WHATEVS. Dr. Wesley says it’s human, and it’s a boy.
K: “And what a boy!” “That’s the umbilical cord, Mr. Simpson.” Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Lor: Angel is stunned and repeats that he’s having a boy! He’s going to be a father. Fred tries to interrupt his moment of parental bliss, but only because they are surrounded by vampires. They freak out a little, but the vampires just start praising the miracle baby. That isn’t what they expected.
Jhanny and Holtz are walking down a street, as Jhanny tells him all about taller buildings, faster machines, but the same kind of people as ever. They get to the club where Holtz’s new minions are, and he’s surprised to find that they aren’t men. Again, they are masculine, not human. Holtz asks if there are any other surprises he should know about.
We Segue Magic to Darla’s belly. Angel asks the group of vamps what they want and the Praising Vamp with a SAG Card says they are there to protect Baby Brood. Angel thinks this is a good thing. It’s an excellent time to prove this, as Ninja Killer arrives, and he’s quickly surrounded and munched on by all the vampires. Praising Vamp says that Baby Brood is special, and Angel smiles at that before PV says he’s going to kill all the humans to nourish Darla. She doesn’t hate that plan.
K: So basically, the three kings want to kill the shepherds and feed them to the Vampire Virgin Mary. Right?
Lor: Woah, I think you are trying to negate my Jesus points there. I’m not falling into that trap.
Wolfram & Hart. DDK is showing blueprints of the Hyperion to a SWAT team commander. The Commander is confident that he’ll be able to secure the target but wants to know how they will get the baby out of Darla. Linwood says they’ve brought in someone for the job, a Dr. Fetvanovich. He’s way too excited about dissecting the vampire baby.
K: Considering he’s an expert in paranormal obstetrics, I’d imagine that’s because he rarely has any work.
Lor: Hospital. Angel tells Darla to join the fight, but she doesn’t want to. She clarifies that the Praising Vamps are just going to kill the humans, but the true plan is more like, “kill the humans, feed Darla, cut Darla open.” Not sounding great any more. Angel says he’ll hold off the vampires with Gunn and everyone else can get Darla to the car. Fred asks Gunn if he has an extra dagger, and he hands her one. Angel starts to count the off, but Fred pulls Darla close to her and says she’s going to cut the baby into triplets if anyone makes a move. I cheer and Cordy notes that it’s always the quiet ones.
Lor: The cheering ends abruptly because Fred whispers to Darla that the crazy vamps don’t know the knife can’t hurt Baby Brood. Except now they do because vampires have excellent hearing. Whoops. Nice try, Fred. A fight breaks out, but the Fang Gang manage to all make it out together.
The W&H commandos invade the Hyperion. I have no idea why this would require commandos to rappel down from the ceiling, but OKAY.
The whole Fang Gang plus Darla are in Angel’s convertible. Angel asks Darla if she’s okay, and guesses she’s emotional over seeing Baby Brood on the monitor. She looks up and it’s clear she’s been crying, but only says that she’s hungry. Angel says they can’t go back to the hotel, and they need to get somewhere safe. Wesley thinks they should go back for the scroll, though, since it’s the only information they have on Baby Brood.
Holtz knocks out one of the commandos just outside of the hotel. In the Hyperion lobby, Dr. Fet is setting up his baby dissecting tools. Holtz comes strolling into the lobby and asks where Angelus is. Linwood, Lilah and DDK are watching all of this with their unreliable spy stuff, that keeps going out on them. Linwood calls into the SWAT team and tells them to take Holtz out. The video feed cuts out and we only hear fighting noises and screams which DDK guesses means Holtz is dead. Probs not.
Angel parks his car in an alley near the hotel, saying he’s going to run, get the scrolls and come right back. They should leave if he isn’t back in five minutes. Darla calls out to Angel, and looks up at him sincerely for a beat before telling him to just get out of there. Angel Mario jumps onto a fire escape ladder and does his Batman thing all the way to the Hyperion. In the lobby, he finds all the dead bodies of the commando team plus Dr. Fet, who has like… chicken feet? IDK.
Holtz, off screen, calls Angel’s name. Angel turns and sees him. The DUN DUN DUN is implied.
Out in the alley, the Fang Gang is worried because Angel isn’t back yet. Darla screams and Wesley notes that her water has broken. He proclaims this the real deal. Gunn gets a blanket out of the trunk and they help Darla lie down in the back seat as we cut to black.
K: I hope Angel knows one hell of a car detailer, because I’m pretty sure amniotic fluid would be a bitch to get out of vintage leather.
I feel like we are certainly building somewhere, but these last two episodes have been the “okay” foundation to that somewhere. I’m holding my breath for the payoff.
Next time: Darla’s gonna have a baby in Angel S03 E09 – Lullaby.