Previously: Buffy died to protect Dawn and save the world and then we cried all the cries. Or, like, what was left of the cries after the rest of season 5. Basically: it’s crowded on the feels couch.
—
Bargaining, Part 1
Sweeney: We begin with another round of previouslies that essentially summarize the entire show. A series of clips that give the viewers the Cliff Notes version of all the show’s major characters (except Giles — the previouslies don’t tell you much about his story. Poor Giles.) These previouslies end with Buffy’s death and tombstone, with the VO: “You have to be strong Dawn — for me.”
K: BRB, dealing with All the Nostalgia Feels.
Sweeney: After that we cut to the cemetery where Spike, Tara, and Giles are chasing a vamp who gets away. I totally forgot about this scene! Their banter is kind of precious. Then we hear Willow’s voice and see that she’s observing from the top of a crypt, telepathically tipping them off to the vampire’s return. He is ultimately taken down by a leather-clad figure who turns out to be none other than the show’s recently deceased eponymous vampire slayer, complete with banter!
Lorraine: I AM NOT FOOLED. For the record.
Sweeney: YOU SO CLEVER, GIRL.
Elsewhere, Willow is giving Xander and Anya a serious case of the wiggins with her directions-all-up-in-your-brain game. Xander’s insistent on answering her out loud as a means of combating said wiggins. Willow has better shit to discuss, though, like the vampire around the corner that he can get a jump on if he goes the other way around.
The vampire Buffy knocked out is back up and fighting, tossing her onto a tombstone. Giles fights him and Spike appears to just be watching as he smokes, while Willow the brain invader is all, “WTF, yo!” but we confirm that her brain invading is really just projection and not actual rummaging around in brains because she doesn’t realize that Spike did, in fact, help Giles already by lighting the vampire on fire.
Sweeney: I do not. If anything, RIPPER’S TOTALLY AWESOME LIFE PASSED BEFORE HIS EYES. STFU, Spike.
Willow sends them off to help Anya and Xander. Buffy also comes back to in time to follow them. She gets with the slaying (with help from Spike) and after staking the vampire, delivers the rather unfortunate pun, “That’ll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!”
She turns around and the gang discuss her tragic pun, which is apparently a regular move. Willow apologizes for programming such a crap pun and says it’s a glitch she’ll work on. This is how we bring the slow (returning) viewers up to speed on this being Buffybot. Probably still a little, “Wait, what? She’s a robot vampire slayer?” from anyone who just joined the show on its new network. Soon, friends. Soon.
Giles exposits the basic reasoning behind Buffybot’s restoration (what with her having been a bit smashed up by Glory the last time we saw her): they need the outside world and underworld to believe Buffy is alive and well.
This leads to some sadpanda discussion of how Buffybot will never be “exactly” like Buffy (as Spike learned all too well last season). Everyone chimes in something to that same effect. Giles, for emphasis for the slow viewers, adds, “and she’s gone.” Buffybot has an awkwardly timed bit of jokey obliviousness. Seeing SMG play bubbly Buffybot as we’re reminded that Buffy is dead was just the right amount of feels for that moment, IMO.
Lor: This scene was additionally fantastic because of the tired looks on everyone’s faces, but especially Spike. When he’s knocked down, he just looks at the fight like, “this isn’t even fun anymore.”
K: Meanwhile, I’m thinking far too much about the presence of the Buffybot. Because THEY BURIED BUFFY AND GAVE HER A HEADSTONE, which would presumably require stuff like, oh I don’t know, A DEATH CERTIFICATE. But the world – including her douchebag father and the Department of Child Services – still think she’s alive on account of the Buffybot. Whut. Also, I’m gonna go ahead and deem season 6 “The one where everyone had fabulous hair” because SERIOUSLY.
Sweeney: This didn’t occur to me initially, but when I went back and watched Part 2, and we saw more of Buffybot going out into the world, I did, indeed, have to wonder what the fuck they were doing with giving her a headstone. Not very consistent with their wish to keep her death a secret.
Roll new season credits. I only mention the new season credits because it now includes my favorite Spike/Dawn scene ever which we have not yet seen but will very, very soon.
Lor: I MENTION THE NEW CREDITS BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAVORITE THING OF A NEW SEASON. They insist on keeping The Gentlemen in there, but thankfully, Emma Caulfield is still in a bunny suit. Spike on the subway! Spike and Dawn on a motorbike! BAMF Willow! AND THEN I FREAK OUT FOREVER BECAUSE ANTHONY STEWART HEAD IS NOT IN THE CREDITS.
WHAT IN THE HELL, YOU GUYS?
Sweeney: After the credits, Willow and Tara are in Joyce’s old bedroom (FEELS.) and Willow is searching for a pair of clogs, which she probably should stop doing immediately. Willow, girl, these are the choices that make you the namesake of our fashion disaster badge.
K: And here we thought she was doing so well recently, what with the wearing of jeans and t-shirts…
Sweeney: Tara assures Willow that breakfast will cure all her stress. She finds Dawn in the bathroom brushing her teeth and says something about this being the big day, and also a good day for the returning of clogs. Dawn has not seen the fashion disaster footwear.
In the kitchen, Willow has more anxieties about Buffybot’s programming, which Tara insists will be fine. When Dawn comes into the kitchen we see that Buffybot started making sandwiches and was never told to stop. Pretty sure she was about to have to stop anyway because that appears to be an entire loaf of Wonderbread’s worth of PB&J.
Xander arrives with tools and takes a stack of Buffybot’s sandwiches. The phone rings and Buffybot wants to answer, but Willow and Dawn stop her. The caller was Anya, saying that she had “the thing” and would bring it tonight, which Tara clarifies for Dawn is a Scooby meeting. After the call they explain to Buffybot that she should let the answering machine get future calls, in order to keep people from knowing that the real Buffy is missing. If anyone knew (i.e., Negligent Hank, who LOL is totes never gonna call, or actually notice something was wrong if he did) they would take Dawn away. Dawn adds that she wants to stay there with her and Willow. Buffybot says she understands. “You’re my sister!” she says, as she comes around the island to hug Dawn. I’m on a plane right now and I legit just gasped in horror watching this happen. The show throws all sorts of supernatural horrifying things at me, but it’s this — Dawn, who has lost everyone she has in the world, having to hug a robot and pretend it’s her dead sister — that was the kind of horrifying that made me gasp. This show is so fucking good at all these real-life feels that I never stop being amazed by it.
Lor: Since Buffybot appeared I haven’t stopped thinking about how hard it must be to find it necessary to keep Buffybot around. She’s a constant reminder of loss and I can’t even swallow the knot in my throat that forms when I think about them having to see her everyday.
K: A+, Lor. I also feel like it’s a completely different kettle of fish for Willow, because for her, the Buffybot is work. But for Dawn and Giles and Spike, it’s a constant reminder of what they’ve lost.
Sweeney: Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. In the beginning they were doing this whole misdirection thing, so this is the first scene where they really addressed it and holy fucking heartbreak, Batman. There’s another scene, later, that I think really highlights this well. Kirsti, that’s an interesting point about Willow. I mention later on that Willow is doing an emotional disconnect thing that we have seen from Buffy at earlier times. I think there’s a definite relationship between these two facts — it’s easier for her to do it because of the fact that Buffybot is work. I think that there are other reasons, beyond this one, but certainly that is one of them.
Everyone else’s moment of FEELS was thankfully cut off by Xander getting everyone focused on the day ahead. Willow says Buffybot is about to face her most dangerous challenge yet, which segue magics us to a sign that reads, “Welcome to Parent Teacher Day.” Sunnydale HS almost claimed the life of Real Buffy a great many times. Sending Buffybot to a school in Sunnydale is a great challenge, indeed.
The actual challenge, of course, is her pretending to be a person. She stops at a display students made of their utopian society, and Buffybot has a moment of confusion that reminds me of my most favorite Zoolander line. (“What is this? A school for ants!?“) Dawn laughs awkwardly and carts “wacky Buffy” away.
In a classroom, a big presentation is being given about how totes amazing new Sunnydale HS is and I don’t get it. This whole Parent-Teacher Day feels weirdly elaborate for a public school. It’s weird.
Anyway, they apparently didn’t include, “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NEVER RAISE YOUR HAND,” in their instructions to Buffybot, which was stupid. Seriously, guys. Buffy makes a lot of awkward interjections about defining school and making lunch. Fortunately the lunch thing is taken up by parents about how terrible the food is. The Great Contrivance Spirit has your back, Buffybot.
At The Magic Box, Giles wants Anya to go over some files again and she is concerned that he’s mad at her, because going over spreadsheets for all of eternity is the kind of punishment she’d have doled out as a vengeance demon. (L: Hmmm. I wonder who I’ve scorned.) Then Anya picks a separate fight about an effigy that she can’t believe he’s taking with him. Anya’s learned a thing or two about being human — look at her, already moving on to passive aggressively arguing about things to avoid feelings! Progress! This quickly devolves into an absurd slap fight over the effigy. It is interrupted by Xander who says, “OK, when I’m marveling at the immaturity, be scared.”
Sweeney: More explanation: Giles will be going to England soon, and Xander says that Anya should be nicer to Giles since he’s going to be making her a partner in the store when he does. Anya smiles and walks off. Xander follows and they have a chat to unpack Anya’s passive aggressive feels: “He keeps saying he’s going, and then he doesn’t. And I keep almost being in charge, and then I’m not. And maybe he shouldn’t even be going at all, but we can’t talk about that. And all just leaves me with this stress and bossiness stored up and it just leaks out.” Perhaps more important in explaining Anya’s passive aggressive feels, we learn that Xander has insisted on keeping their engagement a secret while everyone copes with Buffy’s death, insisting that it would be inappropriate. He’s been saying that all summer, though, and if a whole summer has passed, then Anya’s definitely got a point here.
That night at the Summers home, Dawn is filling Spike in on Buffybot’s apparent success and how much everyone loved her. Spike says it makes sense because she’s a boring perfect robot who is a perfectly losery teacher’s pet. (K: Is that what he said? I got distracted because the lighting meant we could see his eyes properly for like, the first time ever.) He goes on to talk about how that’s all school is — a factory for churning out mindless little automatons. He then catches himself and clarifies that they turn out to be great members of society and YAY SCHOOL!
They change the subject to playing games to pass the time and Dawn says that Willow should be back soon anyway so he can cut out. Spike’s not having it, but Dawn persists, adding that she’s no longer a key — or at least not one that can open anything — meaning that nobody’s coming after her any time soon. Spike slams a deck of cards down on the table, ending the conversation. “No. I’m not leaving you to get hurt. Not again.” Then we have another round of Sad Panda Silence and Spike tells Dawn to deal the cards.
Out in the streets of Sunnydale a random woman is being stalked by the zoomy cameraman. She is eventually seized by a vampire. Buffybot shows up before he can get his bite on. “Slayer!” he exclaims. Why the hell would any vampire who knows that the slayer lives there bother sticking around Sunnydale? You have the whole entire rest of the world. I know that’s not a new observation, but it’s been a long while since I’ve been reminded of it, so I share it now in the hopes that you will all fanwank an explanation for me in the comments.
Lor: Maybe it’s like smoking a cigarette: you know its going to kill you but it doesn’t really take away the allure. The Hellmouth is like nicotine and the Slayer is like the dog shit they put in the cigarette. Something like that.
K: Just stopping by to point out that said vamp clearly isn’t the brightest, because he’s trying to be all badass while wearing a Hanson t-shirt.
Sweeney: Excellent points all around.
The woman runs off and Buffybot fights Hanson Vampire. He slams her with a bottle and causes the wiring in her head to short out. Hanson Vampire realizes that she’s a machine and runs off as she starts walking into a bunch of barrels, clearly malfunctioning a bit.
Back at Xander’s place, Anya hands Willow the urn of Osiris, which is the aforementioned thing. Willow confirms that this is “the one,” which means that it’s time. Tara confirms planets of the alignments and the having of all the magical stuff. Willow says they’re meeting there tomorrow. Xander is freaking out and wants to know what the rush is, as they are into some deep stuff, talking about raising the dead. Willow says it’s time to stop talking. “Tomorrow night. We’re bringing Buffy back.”
After a Not Commercial Break we learn that Xander and Anya are freaking out and Tara confirms that while it is against all the laws of nature, they agreed. Willow shuts down any notion of mind-changing and Xander wants to know who made Willow boss. “You did. You said Willow should be boss,” answers Tara.
Willow is also pretty insistent that nobody but the four of them is allowed to know. She assures Xander that this won’t be a zombie thing because this is nothing like when Dawn tried to bring Joyce back or literally anything that they have ever dealt with before. Willow and Tara think that this can work because Buffy was killed by mystical energy, rather than natural causes. Willow says it also means that they don’t know where she really is. “Her body, yeah. But her soul? Her essence? That could be somewhere else. She could be trapped in some sort of hell dimension like Angel was, suffering eternal torment just because she saved us and I’m not gonna let her — I’m not gonna leave her there. It’s Buffy.”
Lor: Alyson Hannigan consistently acts the pants off of everyone on this show. MY FEELS.
Sweeney: YES. There are so many moments in this episode where I wanted to just stop and talk about how great she is.
Willow returns to the Summers house to find Buffybot running into things and making a mess. Willow says it’s probably a glitch in her navigational system, but it’s not entirely broken, I guess, because Buffybot informs us that she’s programmed to go to Willow when she’s hurt. While Willow opens her up and Spike goes to get a flashlight, Buffybot makes some comment about his washboard abs and he blanches. Willow says she thought she got all that stuff out, but she’ll look again while she’s in there fixing the latest issue. Willow asks him to shine the flashlight on something, but we see him grabbing his coat and leaving.
K: OH MY GOD HIS FACE WHEN THE BOT SWOONS OVER HIM. BRB, HAVING ALL THE FEELS.
Sweeney: Willow and Buffybot then have a little chat about how Spike doesn’t seem to like her anymore. “How come he never looks at me any more? Even when he’s talking to me.” Willow, for her part, looks right at Buffybot and doesn’t turn into a big sobbing mess. There are a number of moments like this in this episode, where it seems like Willow has essentially flipped a switch and disconnected (something we’ve seen from Buffy before) as a means of coping.
That night Dawn creeps out of bed and goes to look at the eerie sight of Buffybot in Buffy’s bed, charging. Dawn then curls up next to her in bed. Goddamnit, Dawn, I am on a fucking plane. I can’t cry now. Stop it.
Lor: Meanwhile, I’m pantless at home, sooo…
Sweeney: At The Magic Box Training Room, Giles is “training” Buffybot. He’s reminding her to breathe. Anya walks in during this lesson and they have a brief spat about whether or not using words like “qi” will mean shit to Buffybot. Anya ultimately defers (begrudgingly) to Giles and leaves. Giles gets some water and Buffybot wants to know if he’d like to go again. I take this time to notice that Buffybot is wearing a bra, which is a major giveaway, guys! Such a rookie mistake!
Anyway, Giles says something about whether it’s a waste of time to teach Buffybot as if she were human. They then have a really intense conversation about whether or not Giles was ever useful to Buffy. Buffybot insists that he was great and that what happened wasn’t his fault. Giles bitterly agrees and adds that that’s how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end. Buffybot asks what he’s still doing here, then, so that we can zoom in on Giles and watch Anthony Stewart Head show off his incredible skillz and then we can all tear up a little (lot).
Lor: We’ve talked a bit about the death wish of a Slayer, but it’s intriguing to see the flip side of that: the doom of the Watcher. They strive so hard to prepare and train their walking Death Wishes. They work to ultimately fail. Sad.
K: Most Watchers, however, wouldn’t have a robot of their walking Death Wish on hand to word things in horrifically blunt terms.
Sweeney: Buffybot is such a crazy intense device for dealing with grief. The show tackled Joyce’s death brilliantly. Now they have another death — an even more intense loss for everyone involved. First: this is just a clever way of revisiting those feels in a different way. I hate to use the word “clever” right now because it cheapens it, but it really is such a smart move. Second, and more importantly: It’s a completely new form of grief, because they aren’t even allowed to properly deal with it. Anya implied as much earlier — that they aren’t really talking about Buffy’s absence. There’s something so sick and twisted about having to spend all your days with a robotic imitation of your best friend / sister / daughter-figure. Sometimes we complain about this show going for comedic notes at times that we find inappropriate. Buffybot has an odd way of embodying that phenomenon in an amazing way. Buffybot works so brilliantly here in part because she shows us just how uncomfortable and jarring it is to have a funny gag moment when things are really, truly fucked up and emotional. It’s soul-crushing and perfect. A standard Whedon compliment, I suppose. “Soul-crushing and perfect.”
At a demon pool bar that I know we’ll see more of but that I think we’re now seeing for the first time, the vampire who broke Buffybot is telling his story to a weird elf-eared biker demon. When he gets to the robot bit he is dragged over to the Lead Biker Demon. The vampire tells the story and says that there’s no real Slayer in Sunnydale and that they’ve only got a decoy. Lead Biker Demon kills the vampire and they head out to take over Sunnydale as really loud metal music threatens to shatter my eardrums.
After a Not Commercial Break, we cut to some sort of meadow, which is a bit of nature we haven’t seen in Sunnydale, but of course they have serene meadows and brookes because this allegedly small town has it all! Willow is getting her Latin chanting on, when a baby deer walks up. (L: She’s wearing a Pretty White Virginal Dress, y’all! This can only mean time for sacrificing.) She pets it and then pulls a knife and STABS IT. WILLOW KILLED BAMBI. (L OH SHIT. I WAS JOKING.) (K: Oh, Lor. Surely after five seasons you know better than to joke in the Whedonverse?!) She adds, in English, some business about accepting their offering — in death comes life.
Sweeney: You’ve been watching long enough now to know that this wasn’t an accident.
At The Magic Box, Xander assures her that Giles isn’t around so she admits that she was off getting the last ingredient — “Wine of the Mother” — and lies/half-truths that it was, “black market stuff.”
Willow changes the subject to ask why they’re all there. Xander says it felt weird hanging out alone, and Tara agrees that she didn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t have butterflies so much as bats. She just wants to get it over with because she can’t stand worrying about it anymore.
Anya walks up and says she found something to distract them. It’s a note from Giles saying that he left and isn’t one for long goodbyes. We cut to the airport where Giles is sitting alone. The gang walk up and make with the sad goodbyes, complete with signs and souvenirs and jokes to keep from crying. Dawn sits down next to him and gives him a card that they made in the car.
Lor: It must be noted that Tara gives him a little finger monster toy and makes the “grr! arrgh!”noise. In jokes!
Sweeney: Willow says she just wanted him to know that they’ll miss him, but they’ll be OK. She repeats it again to pretend it’s true. Then Giles’s flight is called. Man, movies/television got to have much more dramatic goodbyes pre-9/11! (L: I had the same thought!) Willow panics a little about how they just got there, but then they all hug him. He tells Dawn that he’s just a phone call away. He tells Willow he doesn’t know where to start and she says he probably shouldn’t since she’s trying to be stiff-upper-lippy. SORRY, EVERYONE ON THIS FLIGHT. EXCUSE ME WHILE I SOB AND TRY TO DRY MY EYES WITH THIS SCRATCHY DELTA NAPKIN.
K: This was pretty much my reaction to this scene:
A week later, I’m still having all the feels over it.
Sweeney: Outside the airport they all discuss how lonely Giles will surely be without them in England. Tara and Dawn walk ahead so that the other three can discuss how inconvenient it is that he left right before they “did the thing.” Willow says that if it works, he’ll come back. She’s so hopeful and sure when she says it too. Again, Xander is the one to bring it back to reality, noting that it’ll be dark soon. (L: The sky must be clouding over with foreshadowing.)
Willow says something about nothing going wrong, which is of course why, after a few shots of Sunnydale, we see the Demon Biker gang rolling into town, past the “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign.
At the cemetery, they anxiously get started. Anya’s having trouble lighting the magic candles. Willow starts finger painting her face from the Urn of Osiris, which she has clearly filled with Bambi’s blood. She starts chanting to Osiris, and then her arms fly out and large gashes appear. Everyone freaks out accordingly, but Tara insists that Willow warned her that she’d be tested, which must be what’s happening. All this sidechatter is probably not wise for what everyone knows to be big. epic. serious. fucking. business. magic. Shut up, Scoobies.
“Osiris, here lies the warrior of the people. Let her cross over,” Willow continues. Weird bulbous shit is also now crawling under her skin. Xander wants to call it off, but Tara insists that Willow is strong. For the millionth time, I give major snaps to Alyson Hannigan, because this has to have been a crazy scene to act and she does it with all her usual genius.
K: It may just be me, but the music throughout this entire Willow-being-tested thing reminded me a LOT of The Mummy. Which seemed kind of appropriate, seeing as how she’s praying to Osiris and raising the dead, you know?
Sweeney: I saw The Mummy once and have since intentionally forgotten about it, so I have no comment.
They hear a noise and Anya asks what it is. Cut to downtown Sunnydale, where the biker gang is tearing shit up in a major way, because obviously things were going to go catastrophically wrong on the night the gang messes with super! dark! magic!
Back at Buffy’s grave, Willow carries on as the weird bulbous thing wiggles under her skin. Tara insists that it’s a test even as SHE VOMITS UP A SNAKE. Ew. Forever ew.
Summers Residence: Dawn is looking outside at her hellmouth home being looted. Spike goes to check the rest of the house and orders her not to move. We cut to downtown where the Buffybot pulls a Faith!Buffy, telling the biker demons that the things they are stealing do not belong to them. The lead biker has the others hold her while he slashes her open. With that, she fights them and runs off to Willow, having now been injured.
Speaking of, Willow’s creepy magic has now progressed to being surrounded by a weird firey light coming from the sky like a spotlight. Buffybot appears, requesting service, and is promptly followed by the biker demons. They ride over the urn, smashing it, breaking Willow’s glowy light thing. She screams, “No!” and collapses. They have bigger issues, though, what with the biker demons and all. They run. Sort of. Xander carries Willow off and once they are out of the way, she comes to and asks Xander if it worked.
He says that it did not, which is our cue to segue magic under the ground where corpse!Buffy is undergoing actual magic and being reanimated. The episode ends with her opening her eyes, in her coffin, terrified.
Next time: This is actually one big episode. So next time…we get an actual end to this episode instead of this madness. I mean, probably still madness, but you know what I mean. If you don’t, you’ll find out in Buffy the Vampire Slayer S06 E02 – Bargaining, Part 2.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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