Previously: It was Ana’s birthday and her stepfather was in a coma, which was really rude and selfish of him. Fortunately he stopped being such a self-involved dick and woke up at the end of the chapter.
—
Sweeney: The chapter begins with some stuff that’s meant to be sweet, but when you realize that it’s mommy porn, it’s more awkward. Ana is excited that her “daddy” is awake and he calls her “Annie” and whatnot. He doesn’t seem to remember the accident and asks for some water, specifically, but I think he really wants a drink. I do too, because rather than staying there with her father, we cut immediately to Ana running out to the waiting room to tell Christian Grey that he’s awake. Because obviously. “What do I do now? IDK, better go tell that infected scrotum I call my husband.”
The infected scrotum is all, “Great. He’s awake. We’ll ship him back to Seattle where Mama Grey can look after him and you and I can now go out to dinner and forget all about this.” No, seriously. That’s what happens. They’re all, “Cool. Let’s move on now!”
Lorraine: As if Ana immediately abandoning Ray weren’t bad enough, we immediately get a scene where Grey makes medical decisions for Ray? Like, has anyone asked RAY if he wants to be moved to Seattle to be looked after by a pediatrician? All because Grey misses home. Well, I’m sorry the best room in your rtizy hotel isn’t as comfy as home, BUT RAY WAS JUST IN A COMA A SECOND AGO. GOD DAMN IT.
Sweeney: I didn’t really think about it the first time around, but don’t worry, we’ll come back to that soon enough!
They get to their hotel and Christian “hasn’t stopped smiling,” due to his happiness that this interruption in which they had to care about another human was resolved so quickly. He’s thanking The Great Contrivance Spirit for his good fortune. They order dinner to celebrate. Seriously. Ana’s not sure if he’s healthy enough to be moved, but, like she saw him wake up and immediately left the hospital, so that means it’s time to celebrate her father. Not even her birthday, which I could almost process, but her just-got-in-a-car-accident father. They decided to order in their extra fancy dinner to celebrate Ray, while he sits in the hospital eating Jello. And also maybe asking, “What is Jello?”
Lor: This bit was especially excellent:
“Shall we celebrate?” he asks as we enter the foyer.
“Celebrate?”
“Your dad.”
I giggle. “Oh, him.”
OH HIM. RIGHT. MY DAD. WHO WAS JUST IN A COMA. I FORGOT.
Sweeney: OH! HIIIIIIM. Yeah, yeah. That guy.
They sit at the dinner table and fuck each other with their eyes, which means it’s time for another round of E. L. James Doesn’t Own A Face! Want to know a cool super power Christian Grey has? “His eyes darken and heat at once.” So, like, he’s Cyclops? Only they darken. So it’s sort of like super dark light emerging from his eyes?
Wait, sidebar: does this mean we have to re-do all the Stalker Boyfriend Memes? Important sidebar on my sidebar: we totally forgot to mention OUR fantasy casting! We missed a major opportunity to be filled with righteous indignation that the guy creepy dude from the Movember ads be cast as Christian Grey! Bummer.
Lor: I had a moment where I remembered the Stalker Boyfriend Meme because I think I said “stalker boyfriend” or “murderapist” or something in that casting post. But then I was distracted by Charlie Hunnam gifs. It happens.
A+ eyes darkening and heating gif, though. Some of your best work.
Sweeney: Indeed. Portfolio quality, I think.
Anyway, she’s running her hands on him to “seduce” him so he’s all, “LOL, no. Power dynamics. Let’s switch them,” because obviously HE is the one who wants/controls the sex. Since she just wants the sex, she jokes about needing to be restrained and he’s all, “YEAH,” and narrows his eyes, “but can’t hide the latent humor there.” Ana, pretty sure being hidden is the actual definition of latent. Either it’s latent or it’s not. I’m not questioning the humor part — Grey’s favorite jokes are jokes about abusing/raping his wife.
Lor: And really, if those abuse-LOLs are hidden, they are hidden only to Ana.
Sweeney: Ana decides that it’s been while since she’s gotten a proper beating and tonight she would like sex that is “life-affirming.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Forget I asked. I don’t want to know. I’m about to find out anyway, but just so we’re all clear: I don’t want to know.
Ana bites her lip somewhere in here too.
Because they are in a hotel, he has to use the belts from the bathrobes to restrain her. That’s probably the softest restraint she’s ever had, so happy birthday, Ana! I think he undressed her earlier in stuff that I was glossing over to get through as quickly as possible, but he still has his clothes on. Once she’s tied up, he goes to change the music and Ana’s annoyed because she wants sex now. It reminds me a little bit of the punishment orgasm denial episode, in which Ana used the safe word because of how not safe and trusting she was feeling and then got yelled at for it later. These two have so many special memories together.
Christian Grey keeps sexytime oils in his travel bag at all times, I guess. Ana’s hands are not tied up, so he puts some in her hands and tells her to start feeling herself up.
Lor: I love that Ana’s all, “hey, I want you to touch me,” and Grey ties her up and says, “touch yourself!” Because nothing can ever be Ana’s way.
Sweeney: So true.
It seems like it’s been a while since we’ve mentioned Ana’s magical silly putty nipples that stretch for days when she’s horny, though maybe that could just be because we gloss over the sex. Regardless, Silly Putty Nipple Shots!
Anyway, Ana starts to masturbate, but since All Her Orgasms Are Belong to Grey, he has to finger her to finish the job. Then he slaps her ass and they have more sex. Afterwards, we confirm that this is what life-affirming sex looks like. Really, that’s it? She touched herself and then got fingered by her fully clothed husband? This is PORN and that’s the best “life-affirming” sex you’ve got? ELJ is such a failure.
Then they banter for a bit, and Christian Grey has this highly disturbing line, “I’m glad Ray’s conscious. Seems all your appetites are back.” The degree to which these two associate their parents and sex is on the long list of things I will never get over.
Lor: It was bad when he was all, “let’s celebrate your dad!” and they ended up having sex, but the spelled out, “I’m glad your dad is conscious because you want to have sex now?” Disgusting. I hate them.
Sweeney: Anyway, this, of course, moves them into discussing how broody and broken and saved by Ana he is, and Ana would like to go again only with him not wearing clothes. She promises to “fuck him with her mouth” and because it’s a scenario in which Ana appears to be in control, it’s a fade to black. ELJ is such a misogynist that writing a sex scene where the woman is in charge is just entirely beyond her. I guess that’s a given since I just established “writing sex scenes” is a skill she lacks.
After a section break, they learn that the detective investigating Jack Hyde’s break-in will be coming to Portland to ask Ana more questions. Also they are going to the hospital to see Ray. I don’t know if it’s just my copy, but there is no actual break. Like, there was some sort of editing error (LOLOLOL SO MANY EDITING ERRORS) probably because these “scenes” are super short. They involve other people and we can’t get more than a few passing sentences to remind us. “Yes, a cop exists. We’ll see him soon.” And, “Ray, too, exists. He would like a donut.”
There is a brief moment in which Ana and Grey CONSIDER FUCKING IN THE HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, because these assholes have no shame. It’s interrupted by a grieving couple and Ana’s all, “Fuck. Rude.” Not quite. But sort of. The Red Ranger’s all, “Hey, let’s go get donuts now, please?” and they do.
Lor: Fucking in the waiting room… BECAUSE ANA ROLLED HER EYES. I love that Grey’s all, “no one’s here!” YOU ARE IN THE FUCKING ICU, CHRISTIAN GREY. TRUST ME, PEOPLE ARE NEARBY. PROBABLY DYING.
Sweeney: After another big section break, it’s 4pm and Detective Clark has arrived. Ana takes a moment to comment on the fact that he is living with bitch face.
Or, rather, that’s what she guesses. Her initial thought is that he always looks angry when he has to interact with her and then she’s all, “Nah, that’s not even possible because everyone in this fictional universe loves me! He probably has chronic bitch face.”
Anyway, the detective is there because Jack Hyde has now accused Ana of sexually harassing him and then fabricating the sexual harassment story so that she could get him fired and take his job. Clearly this man hasn’t spent much time with Ana because there is no way she would be smart enough to do something like that. I should add that Christian Grey remains with her for this whole conversation with the detective, a fun reminder of his complete lack of boundaries and, like, legal processes.
They still haven’t really charged him with a murder attempt (the helicopter thing; I’m not sure what the deal is with the office arson) but while Jack Hyde is in custody they are going to search his stuff some more. It’s a lot of pointless fake detective crap. There is mention of a note that Detective Clark shared with Christian that he failed to mention to Ana. Grey is generally annoyed that the detective is there IN THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF HIS WIFE when this all totally could have been handled over the phone. Dude, there are possible allegations against her in the picture, so yeah, he had to do this in person. Shut the fuck up.
Once Clark leaves Grey murdermutters some more until Ana calms him down with her general bending to his will. Ray doesn’t want to be moved to Seattle, but Grey will “talk to him.” Ana’s worried that Grey won’t let her travel with her father who is going to be moved against his will. But since Grey is such! a! nice! guy! he’ll let her. And the Red Ranger can drive her car home. I’m just including that because it’s another hilarious reminder of Ana’s (third) car she never drives.
A section break and we’re at the hospital where Ray has been forcibly moved. Ana kissed him on the forehead and said “Daddy” a couple times, so that’s her cue to leave.
Lor: To be fair, Ray’s really tired on account of being moved by helicopter two days after sustaining brain injuries bad enough to keep him in a medically induced coma, all because his new son-in-law missed his bed and forcibly banging his wife. I hear that’ll take it out of you.
Sweeney: “Ray, I know you’re probably not well enough to be moved and might die on this helicopter ride, but I’d really like to get back to beating and raping your daughter in her own bed. Here, I’ll smother you with a pillow until you pass out to make it easier for you.”
On her way out she’s flagged down by Dr. Greene. I didn’t recognize this name at first, but that’s because we’ve introduced her as Dr. Best. Dr. Best is like, “Hey, yo, Ana, you’ve missed four appointments.” She’s on the shot and has missed four appointments for it because she’s a fucking idiot.
Lor: She actually thinks, “how did I miss four appointments??” I DON’T KNOW, ANA. YOU TELL US.
Sweeney: Because it has now been so long, Dr. Best wants to give her a pregnancy test first. There’s a little bit of Ana anxiety and then: WOO HOO! SHE’S PREGNANT!
We now have six chapters for Ana to process that she’s got demon sperm growing in her body and somehow decide that it’s a good and just thing to bring it into the world. Drink up, friends.
Whisper Count – 10
Murmur Count – 15
Favorite comment last post: “No butt plug charm? Seriously?
Reading your list of qualities embodied by Grey that Ana lurves made me think of one thing: I love lamp. (Actually, I love kinky, philanthropic lamp. I hate one-dimensional lamps.)” – Izzygirl
Next time: Join us as we watch Christian Grey blame Ana for her pregnancy in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 20.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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