Lorraine: Chances are, dearest of Traumateers, that you’ve heard the news. No, not about Syria. No, not about that guy sentenced to 1,000 years in prison. No, not about that school stabbing. No, not about Miley Cyrus. FOCUS.
We’re clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you’re like us, you’ve been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.
Sweeney: We should have known this was a real thing when Brett Easton Ellis’s (famous douchebag and noted misogynist) name first popped up.
Lor: Alas.
Meet Christian Grey:
Actor Charlie Hunnam, of Sons of Anarchy and Queer as Folk fame was cast as the billionaire CEO into “kinky fuckery.”
Sweeney: I am not actually familiar with him, so all I know of him now is that his facial hair gives me the creeps and kind of reminds me of a certain flesh colored beard.
Lor: Fantastic. I mean, flesh colored beards are the worst, but A+ association.
Fan favorites and other depictions of Grey tended to lean toward men who were more metrosexually cute. I think casting Charlie, who has the more rough and tumble look, is an interesting choice. It reminds me that Grey is supposed to be this ex-fighter, sailor, helicopter pilot, who throws women over his shoulder in broad daylight and moves them when they don’t wish to move.
Think to yourself, dear readers, will I believe Charlie when he’s playing a murderapist boyfriend?
The answer is yes. You probably will.
Sweeney: Indeed! It’s kind of hilarious that people were keeping their fingers crossed for Ian Somerholder or Matt Bomer, because that gif right there? Yup. That’s the Christian Grey I’ve been reading! So far so good, casting directors!
Lor: The next question is whether or not Charlie will be able to hang his pants in certain ways– ways that are beyond the normal way of hanging your pants on your hips. Ways that will cause the underwear of women of all ages, ethnicities and hair color (but especially evil blonde!) to combust.
Probably not. But only because we’re still not fucking sure what EL James even means every time she tells us Grey’s pants are on his hips.
Sweeney: Half points, then, because his pants are, at least, on his hips! Good job, Charlie!
Lor: Now, will Charlie be able to make us believe all those crazy stories about his mother, the Crack Whore, and emotionally manipulate everyone enough so that we ignore all the times he abuses Ana?
Just look at that stellar brood work!
Sweeney: Yeah, I don’t know. See, he still has the beard, so probably I would be all, “ABUSER!” but since Christian Grey is clean-shaven I can be all, “Oh, no, he’s just emotionally tortured!” Important lesson, guys. Remember that the difference between abuser and dreamy broodmeister is all in the razor.
I wonder if Gillette will get on this? “When I’m trying to trick people into believing I’m not a rapist, I always use Gillette.”
Lor: Shit, we just went from grading the casting directors to writing their sponsorships for them. YOU’RE WELCOME. CALL US.
Maybe the only real question is will Charlie Hunnam be okay naked except for his underwear, jeans, socks and shoes for an hour and a half?
Yeah. He’ll probably find a way to make it work.
Sweeney: Indeed. Maybe we can skip the movie and just have a bunch of gifs of the part where he’s naked-except-for-the-part-where-he’s-not and, like, drink a lot to forget where the gifs come from?
Lor: You had me at drink a lot. We should probably finish this post, though.
Next up, meet Anastasia Steele:
Dakota Johnson, of being Melanie Griffith’s daughter fame, has been cast as the recent college graduate and A+ abuse victim.
My off the cuff observation is that Dakota looks like she’s got some city miles on that face, and Ana Steele is supposed to be young, fresh faced, untouched, nubile and petite. No worries, though! We’re sure make-up will be able to take the worldliness right off of Ms. Johnson’s face.
Sweeney: I smell another promotional opportunity! “When I’m trying to nab a billionaire rapist, I always use MAC to hide all of my knowledge, experience, and self-respect.“
Lor: Let’s get to the hard hitting questions:
Will Dakota be able to bite her lip 87, 390 times in an hour and a half?
YOU GO GIRL! Don’t forget the chapstick on set.
Sweeney: “When trying to keep my lips from falling off after biting them more frequently than I breathe, only Burt’s Bees really does the trick.” Sorry, I’ll stop now.
(That’s probably a lie.)
Lor: (Never stop.)
Will we buy Dakota as the awkward girl who trips over her own feet a lot for the first few chapters, but then somehow transforms into a sexual gymnast ballerina?
Dubious.
But really, the only question is will she run around in next to nothing as we watch her free will being sucked away by an egomanic?
Apparently the answer is yes. She signed on, after all.
It seems like the Internet isn’t so convinced about Hunnam and Johnson’s ability to take this nothing plot and translate it to the big screen:
There was even a petition started to give Hunnam and Johnson the boot before they ever step inside the Red Room of Domestic Violence, and replace them with Matt Bomer and Alexis Bledel.
Sweeney: THIS IS HILARIOUS. Someone I follow on Tumblr reblogged this petition and it made me question everything I know about the world. But back to hilarious: it stands to reason that the Fifty Shades fan base has the approximate IQ associated with thinking that this is how Hollywood works.
Lor: I wonder if those two know that people are trying to get them hired onto the project, or if Fifty Shades fans just assume that when you demand something, people will just shut up and obey, foregoing their free will because it’s “best for them.” Sorry Matt and Alexis! Hope you didn’t have any other plans!
The truth is, dear readers, that NO ONE would’ve pleased all of the Fifty Shades fandom. The more pressing truth is that typing “Fifty Shades fandom” made my liver hurt and my brain spasm.
Sweeney: We never mentioned it in a post, but we once spent a work day exploring a Fifty Shades fan forum. I looked for one because I briefly toyed with the idea of trolly link-baiting, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because the fandom just made me sad. (But mostly for my liver/brain.) Fortunately we gchatted the day away with Sara and were able to come to terms with this tragedy.
But while we’re discussing the “fandom” it’s also worth mentioning that they were all sorts of hilarious on Twitter. A random example:
A tweet more in line with our thinking?
Lor: Here’s at least one person who really thinks all this news is swell: Melanie Griffith!
#proudmama
Nothing like a daughter starring in mommy porn!
Sweeney: Maybe she’ll get a cameo as Anna’s mother! The family that films mommy porn together stays together!
Lor: And so, it can no longer be ignored. Or, at least, not as easily as it was ignored before.
What are your opinions on the casting news and on the movie in general? Sweeney and I still hold our movie watching plan dear: We’ll fly to a city directly in the middle of where ever we are located in 2014. We meet outside the theater, say nothing to each other, but give each other sad, knowing nods. We smuggle in copious amounts of booze. We watch and try not to get kicked out of the theater while we straight L-O-L. We leave, not saying a word, but only parting ways once again outside of the theater, and flying back to our respective cities.
Someone on Twitter suggested we open this plan up to all Traumateers. We’re down if you are.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
