Previously: LOL, it’s cute that you think I can sum this up in 1-2 sentences. Cowboy pirates in space and corrupt governments and REAVERS which are extra deluxe scary and a theme song everyone says I’ll love soon and also Mal’s pants. Something like that.
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The Train Job
Sweeney: We start the episode in not-space. I mean, probably not Earth, either, but not outer space. I’m already really stressed about trying to describe what’s happening in this show because I have no idea what details are important.
Marines: That is totally the burden of a blogging Snow. I mean, I know you remember recapping Game of Thrones and being all, “some side character I won’t even name blinks,” and having it turn out to be a BFD character by end of season. Sigh.
Sweeney: And that show had so many! I trust that finite episodes and the fact that we’re in space means I won’t have it nearly so bad. But both Firefly and GoT have all this crazy world building stuff to keep up with. It also makes it messy for trying to guage the degree of sense-making, because the whole show-verse catches you off guard.
Anyway, this place has got a middle eastern feel to it and off in some little corner of a bar, Mal, Jayne, and Zoe are playing Chinese Checkers. Some drunk starts shouting about making a toast in honor of this glorious day — it’s Unification Day, the end of all the “independents.” Mal decides he needs a drink.
He gets that drink and the Toasting Drunk wants to toast to the sixth anniversary of those brown coats being sent running. Mal ignores him and the drunk makes the keen observation that Mal is wearing a coat that is “kind of a brownish color.” Mal brushes him off for his lack of education, and the drunk keeps babbling about the “Independents” being cowards, and Mal makes him repeat it to his face. The drunk does and asks what Mal’s going to do about it. “Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.” He turns around and Zoe knocks him out with her gun.
Sara: Because Zoe is a badass. I love how great the crew is as a team.
Sweeney: Everyone else in the bar gets up and glares at them menacingly. Mal says something in Chinese, that I assume is a long-winded, “Well, shit.” (M: Funnily enough, the Internet says he says, “Oh, this is a happy development…”) (S: Same same.) Jayne’s not getting up because he “didn’t fight in no war.” He wishes them luck, though. Moments later we see Mal being thrown through the bar window except the window is a hologram. He radios to Wash (who I still really, really want to refer to as Steve the Pirate, but I’ll resist) for backup as Zoe comes out with more dudes to fight. Jayne joins them shortly.
They are backed to the edge of a cliff, outnumbered. The drunk pulls a gun on Mal, saying he needs to get put down. Mal says he thinks they’d rise again, just as Serenity appears behind them, with Wash threatening to blow a new crater in this moon if they don’t all back the fuck up. Solid grand entrance, sir.
Mari: Also, from that weird voice over introduction (more on that later) until now, there are three solid references to living on the edge. GET IT YET?
Sweeney: I… have no idea what VO you’re talking about, but we’ll discuss it later. LIVING ON THE EDGE. GOT IT.
Inside, Jayne is laughing about the idea of this gun-less transport ship blowing any craters in any moons. Mal and Zoe go up to the bridge and thank Wash. Kaylee wants to know if there was a big brawl. They all banter and we gather that Mal makes an annual habit of going to Alliance-friendly bars on U Day so he can end up in brawls like this. Something tells me Jayne enjoyed accompanying him on those trips, regardless of affiliations.
Sara: That whole fight scene is so much better knowing that Mal did it on purpose. Living on the edge, indeed!
Sweeney: Cue the weird cowboy song about not taking the sky from you. I feel bad for giggling at this song, because I can see how you’d all rally around words like, “You can’t take the sky from me,” but LOL sorry, I’m still giggling. I’m sure I’ll get flaily with you guys by the end. I’ll let you know when that happens.
Mari: Okay, but until then, YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS (SONG) FROM MEEEEEEE.
Sara: I’M STILL FREEEEEEE.
Sweeney: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Giggles are halted as River wakes up from a horrifying nightmare. She cowers in a corner as Simon asks if she’s OK and knows who he is. “Simon,” she answers, but with what sounds to me like vague annoyance at being patronized. He asks if she dreamt about the Academy, and she says it’s not relevant. He asks her to please explain what happened there so that he can help her, but she’s not into that. She tears up when she realizes that they’re not at home. Simon says they can’t go home because she’ll just get sent back to the academy. I have to give Summer Glau all the points because at this point I know next to nothing about River, beyond the vague knowledge that she suffered SRSBSNS trauma, and that 30 seconds was sufficient to make me really care about this character.
She starts rattling off computer-like information about the ship as Mal enters. He’s impressed. He’s just there to clean up his hand after the brawl. He assures Simon that the fight wasn’t a big deal and that Simon’s basically there because they don’t want to deal with the alliance — rather than their need for a medic, which was Simon’s understanding of their presence on board. I hadn’t even considered that, but there’s a certain brilliant ruthlessness in that. “HERE, TAKE THESE GUYS INSTEAD!” (Am I understanding correctly? Is that what he just implied?) As he leaves, River notes that “Mal” is a Latin root word for bad.
Mari: HUH. I never took Mal’s, “that’s why you’re here,” that way. The line is, “ain’t none of us want the Alliance on us, doctor. That’s why you’re here.” In passing it might seem like a, “you also don’t want the Alliance on you,” comment but that doesn’t seem quite right, now. Something to chew on.
Sweeney: I can understand the passing comment, but it’s still a weird statement that feels like it has more to it. I should add that I’m not getting the sense that handing them over and running is a real thing Mal would do, so much as a thing he’d let someone like Jayne believe he’d do, you know? Or even just a thing he’d let Simon believe to keep him in line. IDK.
Mal runs into Book on his way out. Book notes that Simon is a brave guy for giving up everything to save/protect his sister, but Mal is sarcastic and dismissive. Book adds that not many men would take them in, either. Mal snarks that it’s, “Because it was the right thing to do!” and it reminds me of Faith!Buffy saying, “Because it’s wrong.” Mal ignores Book as he keeps pressing to get Mal to say why he’s keeping people on board who are paying a negligible fee, compared with what they earn from their “totally legitimate business.” Mal turns the question on him, and Book assures Mal that he’s got Heathens aplenty on board. Mal says that while Book is welcome, God isn’t. LOL. I was about to say that’s the kind of cowboy/pirate I would be, but we’ve already established that I would be a terrible space pirate. (I started to say Space Cowboy. NSYNC DANCE BREAK, Y’ALL. No seriously, this exists and it’s magical.) (M: OH MY GOD, INTERNET.) (S: GOD BLESS THE INTERNET.)
Kaylee is having her hair brushed by Inara, who is trying to make girl talk with her about her pretty hair and her crush on Simon. Cute! I ship Kaylee/Happiness and I can’t even finish this thought — which really was going somewhere — because I just remembered this is a Joss Whedon thing and now I’m just really sad. I don’t even have anything to be sad about right now, but, like, I WILL. I have anticipatory sadness. Girl talk is interrupted by Mal, who came to tell Kaylee to get back to work because the engine room is a mess. Kaylee mutters something in Chinese at him, which I’m assuming translates to something along the lines of, “You gosh darn poo head!” because Kaylee. (L: Please, never look these up because your translations are so much more fun. And pretty accurate. “Horrible old tyrant.”)
Mal lingers to chat with Inara. By “chat” I mean make some mean-spirited prostitute jokes before transitioning into warning her that they’ll be stopping soon to do business with a guy who is bad news. He’s warning her that she needs to stay confined to the ship because she won’t be safe. She jokes that him being a gentleman may make her die of shock and he does a cute little bow on his way out.
Mari: The entire Mal/Inara thing is what I’m looking most forward to viewing again with my blogging glasses on. As we’ve discussed repeatedly, watching a thing and blogging a thing are so different. But, like, yes to everything you said. Mal always seems ruffled more because it’s Inara than because she’s a prostitute. But, in the process, he’s still insulting.
Sara: I love what this show does with Inara’s character. She always comes across as the bigger person. Like Sweeney said, she’s always classy, even when Mal is taking the low blows. It’s interesting that when I think of Inara, her profession is at the bottom of the list of what I remember most about her.
Sweeney: It’s not a thing that I think about beyond the times its explicitly referenced. When it is, though, it’s definitely an element of the show’s universe that is interesting if for no other reason than it is noticeably different from the way its treated/handled in the society from which I, as a viewer, am watching.
Down on the ground in Planet Criminal, they’re in an office with a little old man with an Eastern Bloc accent and name I didn’t quite catch. He has a big tattooed bodyguard. Mal asks if this dude has a job. Before offering Mal the job, the little Eastern Bloc man makes a big show of how it’s not just gossip that he is a torturing psychopath to guys who don’t do what he tells them to. Zhukov, as I shall call him, also wins The Gold Star when he tells Mal that Mal will be solid if he does “The Train Job.”
(I mean, not a big enough deal that I’m going to look up your actual name, but whatever.)
Mari: He’s basically a giant stereotype anyways.
Sweeney: He explains the job — stealing Alliance goods from a train — with the aid of his computerized desk map thing. He sidebars that he suspects, from Mal’s reputation, that he doesn’t mind taking from the Alliance. GUYS, WAIT. SO WHAT ARE MAL’S FEELING ON THE ALLIANCE? I’M NOT QUITE CLEAR YET.
On the train, Zoe points out that they’re working for a psychopath, adding that she had the image of the guy they saw being tortured. Mal says he has an image of it not being him and would like to just do the job, what with them making something of a habit of being employed by psychopaths. They go through to the next car and find it filled with Alliance military guys.
After a Not Commercial Break we cut back to Serenity where Book and Inara are making small talk about the crew and giving us some basic background. She’s been with them for 8 months, they sometimes take legitimate jobs, and life far away from the central planets is hard. Book says he wishes he could help in a way that is not thieving. Inara suggests praying that they make it back safely. When Book says that he doesn’t think Mal would like it very much she responds, “Don’t tell him. I never do.”
Sara: Aw. The bonds between all the characters gives me feels every. single. time.
Sweeney: Back on the train, Zoe and Mal are able to move back past the car of soldiers. Zoe is more concerned, but Mal says that since they were allowed to pass, the soldiers aren’t protecting the cargo and the only thing this changes is making the job more fun: if they successfully steal from under the noses of 20 Alliance soldiers, the Alliance looks extra stupid.
Mari: STILL CONFUSED ABOUT HIS FEELINGS ON THE ALLIANCE?
Sara: APATHY?
Sweeney: Serenity. Simon sees Kaylee doing something with machinery and asks what she’s doing. She’s a little flustered at first and they’re both super cute and shy, but when she does get to the question, she nonchalantly answers, “Oh, crime.”
Kaylee tells Jayne that he shouldn’t be so rude to them, but he gives no fucks and adds that they could be super rich if they turned River over. Kaylee’s horrified that he’s even considering that. Jayne insists that Mal has a move like that up his sleeves that he hasn’t made yet. (So was my question up above a SPOILERS, SWEETIE. question?) River is still listening.
Sara: Even with Jayne being a dick, I still love him. Maybe it’s John Casey Syndrome.
Sweeney: That’s fair. I love me some John Casey. I’m still undecided on Jayne, mostly because of the insta-love I had for Kaylee. I feel like he’d play protective big brother as well as he’s playing asshole big brother, though, so I’m mostly waiting for him to endear himself to me that way.
On the train, Mal and Zoe are getting ready to make their move. We see a soldier getting up and heading back their direction. Zoe finds the cargo while Mal readies their escape hatch. We cut to Serenity which is now flying low enough for Jayne to drop onto the train. He lands safely and is helped down into the car by Mal. Mal radios up, “15 seconds,” just as we see the soldier coming to their car. A smoke bomb of sorts that Zoe left as a boobie trap goes off, alerting them to his arrival, just as they get Jayne and the cargo strapped in. The soldier fires and Mal orders Wash to pull Jayne (and the cargo) up, leaving Zoe and Mal on the train. On board Serenity, Jayne has been shot and Kaylee’s freaking out that Mal and Zoe aren’t with him.
They were hidden by the smoke, we see. The train stops and Mal nonchalantly listens as a soldier says that their man didn’t get a look. Mal continues to listen as they conclude that they took medical supplies. Mal is not pleased with this news.
On a big Alliance command ship a woman is receiving the report of what happened and relaying it to her boss. We learn that the medicine is super valuable on the black market, but that this command ship has much bigger shit to handle. The sheriff tried to detain the train to make some of the soldiers help, but those guys are federal marshals and have more important shit to do.
Sara: Is this the one place in Traumaland with a police force THAT ACTUALLY DOES THEIR JOB? Weird.
Sweeney: My brain can’t handle this. I’m choosing to focus on the technicality that they are federal marshals and not cops. We haven’t seen those in Traumaland.
On the ship Jayne is being patched up by Simon, who is too nice to point out that maybe this means Jayne should be less of an ass to him. (Which is probably a big part of why Jayne will continue being an ass to him.) Jayne wants to go directly to the rendezvous point, because Zhukov is a scary dude. Wash says they have time and he refuses to leave without the captain or, more importantly, his wife. Simon expresses concern that the Alliance will be after their stolen goods, which prompts River, off in a corner, to start crazying out about how the Alliance never stops until they get what you took. “Two by two, hands of blue.” You get that crazy on, Summer Glau! I’m glad we added to our creepcabulary today, so that I can describe my current River feeling as “creepmused.”
Mari: I think watching your reaction to River has been my favorite in this post so far. CARRY ON.
Sweeney: I totally heard you whisper, “You know nothing,” at the end of that.
Jayne tells her to STFU and again insists that Mal’s absence makes him in charge and that they need to complete the train job. Book speaks up to note that since Zhukov made the deal with Mal, he would have reason to suspect that Mal might be being held and potentially give up the name of the guy who hired him. As such, being a little late is probably their best option.
On the ground, Mal and Zoe are freaking out about how long they are being detained. Mal has just enough time to remind Zoe of their husband/wife backstory before the sheriff comes to interview them. Mal says that they just got married and the train ticket was a wedding present from his uncle. They were in search of work from a friend of his uncle’s. Mal asks why there are so many sick people, and the sheriff informs him that this particular planet terraformed for human life carries with it a serious disease and also the medicine to treat it has just been stolen, so YAY. Sheriff confirms that the feds did, indeed, take off. He goes on to say it’s awful strange that Mal’s uncle never mentioned that this “friend” he named died 8 months ago. Mal awkwardly asks if this means his job would be open.
Mari: Solid answer, were it not for that, “hey everyone here gets a crippling disease,” thing. I’d more believe a, “CAN WE GO YET?”
Sweeney: On the ship, an injured Jayne is storming the bridge to insist that they leave immediately. Once again, the whole gang turns up to listen to the argument. Jayne reminds Wash of the chain of command (M: “It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.”) and adds that maybe after they make the drop maybe they can come back for the captain and Zoe. Then he goes off on a weird tangent about lights and angels before collapsing. Everyone is confused for a second before Simon speaks up that he thought the drugs would kick in sooner and he hopes it’s OK with everyone, but he didn’t feel comfortable with Jayne in charge. Fair. Also A+ for you, Simon.
Sara: LOVE. This would get me on board with Simon ASAP. Everyone’s relief is hilarious.
Sweeney: Book asks what they’re going to do, and Wash happily puts his foot on Jayne’s back as they confer. Kaylee says that they can’t just waltz right in and take them out, but Book looks at Simon and says that someone respectable enough might be able to.
With that, we cut to Inara arriving on the planet. I didn’t even realize I was bringing up such a plot relevant thing with the prostitution commentary! (S: A+ job, Sweeney!) Inara storms in and makes shit real uncomfortable for Mal and Zoe, blowing their cover story. She says that Mal is her indentured and has several more years on his debt and Zoe’s husband would be super disappointed in her. The sheriff apologizes on behalf of all the people around them, as they have probably never seen a registered companion before. Inara is ultimately able to waltz right in and take them out. The sheriff watches her go and tells his lady assistant (?) that Inara’s one hell of a lady, and the assistant lady confirms that Inara’s files are all in order and she ran them twice. Very interesting, indeed! Additional thoughts withheld until I get a clearer understanding of this whole situation.
Sara: Morena Baccarin is stunning always, but especially in this scene.
Sweeney: On the ship, it’s a mostly happy reunion, save for Mal being disgruntled that Inara hit him and Jayne being drugged out of his mind and too heavy for them to carry to a better location. (M: Adam Baldwin does look deliciously solid.) Mal goes on to say that they are taking the drugs back because sitting there with all the sick people weighs on his conscience too much. Drugged up Jayne is not pleased. As Mal is sorting out what they’ll do with Zhukov, Wash interrupts to say that if he wants to explain, now’s his chance. We pan over to his minions arriving on their ship.
After a Not Commercial Break, Mal explains that they’re not taking the job, but he’ll return all of the upfront money and they can call it even. Unsurprisingly, the minions don’t like this plan and express their dislike by throwing a knife into Mal’s shoulder. Fighting ensues. Mal is ultimately saved by Jayne who gets a good shot in on the head minion who was about to kill them.
Sweeney: Back on the planet, Mal is leaving the stuff and saying that they’ll notify the sheriff when they’re in deep space. The Sheriff speaks up to say he can just tell him right now. Mal and Zoe are surrounded. Sheriff’s lady assistant confirms that nothing is missing about the cargo. The Sheriff tells Mal that he was right before about times being tough and it being easy for a man to take a job without looking too closely, but once he finds out the details he’ll have a choice. Mal says he doesn’t think such a hypothetical man has a choice. They exchange knowing Honorable Dude looks, and The Sheriff orders everyone to get the stuff back to town.
Elsewhere, Mal is tying up the tattooed Minion Leader and leaving him with Zhukov’s money, which he is to return to him. Mal says that they’re not thieves except they are thieves but they’re not stealing from Zhukov. Tattooed Minion says Mal should keep the money for a funeral because this guy will hunt him down no matter where he flies. With that, Mal kicks him and he gets sucked into the engine. A new minion is pulled up to Mal and he begins the speech again, but this one cuts him off and says he speaks for everyone that they’re right there with him. Better survival instincts on this one.
Inside, Simon is stitching up Mal, who is trying to play it tough until he lets out a precious high pitched, “Ow!” Cute. I’ve said “Cute” a surprising number of times in this recap. That’s not really a word that I think describes this show, and yet.
Mari: Two by two, hands of blue.
To end, I’ve got to just mention that this episode started with this voice-over, introductory spiel that basically explained the Alliance, the war, and what life was like on the run for those trying to escape Alliance control. It was pretty damn terrible. It was rushed, the twangy guitar felt off, and it was a cheap attempt to dumb down the entire concept of Firefly. I mention it because this is the episode that aired first on Fox and that was the thing that first introduced people to this universe. How sad.
Sweeney: Right, so, I was super confused when you mentioned that VO earlier. I just re-watched beginning to confirm, but my version does not start with this voiceover. I’ll have to track it down on Netflix or something, but it sounds like something clunky and stupid that they’d deliberately omit from the DVDs. That sounds like a lame way to be introduced to this show, though.
Mari: That said, for a second episode, this thing was awful expository. I felt like a lot of the stuff we already did establish in the pilot were rehashed to heck here. It weighs down an otherwise interesting episode.
But, like, I’m still super freakin’ excited that we’re covering this.
Sweeney: Agreed entirely on how expository this felt, and that may have contributed to the network’s decision to make that crap airing choice. That said, I also understand why they reiterated things we already knew. Yes, it was a bit much, but it’s also helpful to just confirm, “Here are the important details.” I’m torn on this, though I suspect that clunky VO introduction has a lot to do with our different viewing experiences.
My thoughts can be summarized quite simply: This show is fun. Yes. Good. More, please.
Next time on Firefly: Serenity gets up close and personal with The Alliance while they’re investigating a ship attacked by Reavers in S01 E03 – Bushwhacked.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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