Previously: The Liars came up with a good plan that went poorly and Ezra came up with a poor plan that got him punched in the face.
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A Hot Piece of “A”
Lorraine: The actual, official previouslies remind us that the Liars are now in possession of A’s cell phone, which happened completely by accident, despite their semi-elaborate plan. We start this episode with the Liars heading back into the Greenhouse of Secrets, all of them all kind of running around like headless chickens. They look for the box New Jason gave Aria while Spencer announces that the cell phone is locked.
Emily wonders where they all were while she almost had her face troweled off. Aria explains that she dropped a bomb at home and was sent to her room. Spencer says Toby cornered her and Hanna blurts out that Kate is moving to Rosewood. That’s the piece of news that gets the biggest reaction out of the Liars, because priorities.
Sara: Yeah, I’d say Aria has the most important story at the moment. Because, in case you forgot in the last thirty seconds? EZRA GOT PUNCHED. IN THE FACE.
Sweeney: STILL THE BEST MOMENT IN PLL HISTORY.
Lor: Hanna doesn’t know about the face punch, though, so she’s all, “My news is the worst, I win!” Emily gives her a big BITCH PLEASE as she points out that she was recently almost murdered (again) (seriously, I count 4 times she’s been physically harmed now. Damn.) and she’s got the glass in her hair to prove it. Aria starts being weirdly cute as she picks glass out of Emily’s hair.
Spencer asks them all what they’re going to do with A’s phone. My first guess would be to get the hell away from where A saw you last, but that’s just me thinking with my brain. Spencer wants to call Caleb, but Hanna is not having that idea because she doesn’t want him involved. The girls all fight and yell at each other until A’s phone rings. Spencer hands it to Aria, who hands it to Emily. “Not me, I have glass in my hair!” Emily says, which is a totally fair excuse, in my book. (S: Best excuse, next to having to shave your hands.) Hanna grabs the phone and says she’ll answer it, but what she really does is stare at the screen for a second, right before something crashes through the ceiling of the Greenhouse of Secrets. As the girls finally run out of there, Emily says she’ll call Caleb herself.
SHHHHH.
We cut to Spencer, Emily and Aria leaning over Caleb’s shoulder as he tries to download files from A’s phone. Hanna sits a little apart from them. Caleb asks her if she’s alright and she says she is, but he can tell how strange all of this is. He asks whose phone he’s breaking into, but they won’t tell him. His follow up question is why Emily smells like a bag of mulch. I just love him so much.
Sweeney: You can’t ask me to do a favor while smelling like a bag of mulch and not expect me to ask why you smell like a bag of mulch.
Lor: #PrettyLittleLessons.
Caleb’s phone hacking is interrupted as the owner of the phone must’ve shut it down from his or her computer. Caleb may have downloaded a few files but they’re locked and probably corrupted. The girls heave big, disappointed sighs. Caleb says he can keep working on it if they are sure they want him to. Spencer, Emily and Aria respond, “YES!” in unison. Caleb makes sure to ask Hanna if she’s alright with what’s happening. The other Liars give her, “SAY YES OR ELSE,” eyes until she nods a little.
Sara: Aw, Caleb is the best.
Lor: Presumably the next day, Aria leaves her room and her father stops her, saying she is definitely not wearing whatever she’s wearing to school. Aria wants to know when she got a dress code and Papa Montgomery’s answers is basically, “SINCE PEDOPHILE.” Piper Mom comes along to tell Byron that she’s got this. Aria is still all, “but what is wrong with my fetus jumper, my lacey shirt and my spider necklace???”
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it:
Sara: Don’t forget the hooker boots!
Sweeney: Girl, your shitty dad has your back here. Listen to the man; change your clothes.
Lor: And don’t get used to him having your back.
In Aria’s room, Piper Mom grabs some new clothes for Aria and tells her it’d be wise to pick her battles with Papa Montgomery. That this is probably not the best day to question his Shitbag ways. Aria asks why. “He, of all people, coming down on me for an inappropriate relationship?” Piper turns around and give her daughter a, “STFU,” just by saying her name like a weapon. I think it’s a mom thing. Remind me to only name my children a name I can say aggressively.
Aria apologizes and says that she at least thought her mom would… Piper Mom cuts her off: “That I would give my teenage daughter and Mr. Fitz my blessing? Your father and I are in agreement here because we were lied to for a really long time by you and a colleague.” You know, all this makes me even more frustrated with the series. We’ve been recapping it all, “LOOK, SHOW! LOOK AT HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS,” and the show just got back to us. It’s saying, “yeah, no. We know. We know how terrible it is.”
Sweeney: But, like, we’re going to keep pushing it like it’s magical and romantic and ~*true love*~
Lor: Ew.
Aria says she lied because she was afraid her parents would react negatively to her dating her teacher. Piper Mom gives her a, “NO SHIT,” (almost) and also tells her she’s going to be spending a lot less time with her friends and will not ever see Mr. Ftiz again. Aria’s all, “but mooooooooom. Do you like him?” I don’t even know what that question even is, but Aria’s a CHILD, so I guess that explains it. Piper Mom says she used to like him before she found out he was a pedophile.
Sara: Fair.
Lor: Toby is loading up his Sugar Baby Truck when Spencer comes around asking if they can talk somewhere privately, which just means them hopping into his Sugar Baby Truck. Spencer talks and Toby points out that she basically came around to say she can’t come around him. Luckily for Spencer, he finds this cute and they kiss.
At the Rosewood Academy for Hacking and Macking, Hanna finds her wolfy bad boy Caleb and greets him with a kiss. Hanna’s worried that he’s working on hacking right in the school halls but he says no one knows what he’s doing. They might soon if these two keep talking about it all out loud in public places. Caleb wants more information on the phone and thinks Hanna doesn’t trust him enough to tell him. She doesn’t really reply to this, but instead spots Lucas and calls him over to confirm their study date for later that afternoon. Lucas briefly tries say he’s got glass in his hair, but Hanna begs, and he relents. Once he’s gone, Caleb asks if Hanna will tell him more about the phone later, and she says maybe and leaves. I’m pretty sure he watches that ass as she leaves.
Garrett and his Pedo-mobile. He’s yelling at Jenna over the phone that he doesn’t understand, and that he’s outside her door so they should stop talking about this over the phone. Spencer and Toby are still in the Sugar Baby Truck, and they listen in as Garrett yells on about how it was a bad idea to pull someone else in to help them. Toby says they’ve been fighting since last night and Spencer’s all, “LAST NIGHT?” Jenna eventually hangs up on Garrett and he starts walking away. Spencer ducks down in the truck just before Garrett turns and sees Toby. They give each other a stare down.
After a Not Commercial Break, Piper Mom and Emily sit in a classroom. Emily is distracted from her test, and Piper Mom tells her she has five minutes to finish. Emily admits that she’s unprepared and wants to know if she can make-up her make-up test. Piper Mom is nice enough to give her that chance after we get some exposition about Emily serving the rest of her community service hours for a crisis helpline. As Emily’s leaving, Piper Mom asks what else she doesn’t know about her daughter. Em plays it cool all, “I have no idea we’re talking about a pedo-lationship!” and Piper Mom quickly realizes she shouldn’t have asked anyways.
Aria uses Hanna’s phone to call Ezra, but she gets his voicemail, and it’s predictably douchey in a quirky voicemail message sort of way. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what my voicemail says because I think voice messages are stupid unless it’s a super emergency. And now that I think about that, it’s because talking on the phone is stupid. What was I saying? Ezra Fitz is stupid, I think. Yeah.
Sweeney: Seriously though, he’s a grown up with a grown up job and his voicemail is some seriously juvenile bullshit. Maybe it’s because I already hate him so much, but I wanted him punched again just for that stupid voicemail message. (And yes, talking on the phone is stupid.)
Lor: Glad we agree.
Aria tells him that things are still intense but that she’s sure her parents will come around (LOL) and that she loves him and hates not being able to see him. The voicemail has had enough of that crap, though, and cuts her off.
Sara: GOD BLESS YOU, VOICEMAIL.
Lor: Emily is taking stuff out of her locker when Spencer comes over to recruit her for some breaking and entering into New Jason’s house. Spencer Nancy Drew’d that if Garrett and Jenna were talking about a “he” that helped them, it must be New Jason. Emily can’t, because she has community service. Aria is grounded and Hanna is still pissed at Spencer for involving Caleb in their dramz. Emily tells Spen to offer Hanna her lake house for some sexy times with Caleb, and Spencer’s all, “my lake house??” Apparently, Hanna never actually told Spencer she’d be having sex there.
Sara: THEIR FACES. These girls are gold sometimes.
Sweeney: THEY’RE SO CUTE. Even when this show is stupid, I still love these girls.
Lor: Hanna and Lucas are having an awkward study hour, in which Hanna isn’t getting Lucas’s strong, “PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT YOUR PERFECT BOYFRIEND,” vibes. So much so that she ropes Lucas into helping her plan a party for Caleb.
We cut to Emily at her community service helpline thing. The Lady in Charge gives them instructions and then they start role playing some calls. The first one goes to Emily and as she reads from a transcript it is clear that this call came from A after he/she dropped the cell phone. That’s some amazing work by the Contrivance Spirit there, but also, I find it hilarious that this total creep who almost killed Emily was all, “CRISIS. MUST CALL HOTLINE.”
Ezra is watching basketball in his pedo-lair when there is a knock on the door. (Sara: Oh please. Like Aria would ever be with a boy who watches sports on tv.) It’s Papa Montgomery and I crack up preemptively. Byron is here to get a few things off his chest. He says that he’s been teaching for 17 years, and he knows that it’s tricky to navigate student/teacher relationships. He admits to having made mistakes, but hilariously clarifies “not with a minor.” Pedzra gives a big WOMP WOMP face. Byron says that Aria had a very traumatic year and Pedzra was probably there for her in a way her parents couldn’t be (gag) but that at the end of the day, it was still a mistake. He wants a promise that Ezra will never see Aria again.
Ezra starts bullshitting something about taking another teaching job once he realized how stupidly inappropriate it was to be dating his high school student. Byron shuts that down when he sees Ezra’s pedo-bed in the background. Byron asks if his daughter’s been to the pedo-lair and Ezra tries to respond but Byron shuts that down too. Basically, Byron is asking him questions but doesn’t really want to hear Ezra’s voice. I approve. I mean, he’s still a Shitbag, but threatening Pedzra Fitz with police action (LOL. POLICE.) is something I approve of.
Sweeney: It all goes back to that judged-by-association thing. As much as I hate Shitbag Montgomery, I hate Pedzra Fitz more. Byron earns my one-scene-only approval by virtue of being in opposition to Ezra.
Lor: At the Rosewood School for Students who Party Plan and Pilfer Papers, Hanna is stopped by Mona and Noel Khan, wanting to know where their invite to Caleb’s birthday party is. Hanna didn’t think they’d want to come, but they do, so they invite themselves and go on their merry way. Meanwhile, Emily is showing Spencer the paper she pilfered from the crisis hotline. Hanna joins them shortly, and they all come to conclusion that they are dealing with a posse of A’s.
Sara: An A Team, if you will! That explains the always everywhere thing!
Sweeney: I don’t understand how it took them to the middle of the second season to feel confident that it was a team. We worked that out almost immediately, because we’re the best detectives ever. Actually, Traumateers are the best detectives ever, for the popular commenter headcanon in which all of Rosewood is A, because Ali was evil.
Lor: Caleb comes out of an empty classroom and asks if they have a minute. They follow him inside and he shows them one of the files he’s cracked, and it’s the picture of the weird dolls A sent them as clues. Spencer asks Caleb to forward the picture to them all, and the Liars leave Hanna and Caleb alone. Caleb wants more details on all the crap that’s going down, but Hanna distracts him with promises of take-out and kisses.
Sweeney: Hanna, you calm down with those manpiukisses!
Lor: Montgomery Manse. Byron is ranting about Ezra actually trying to justify his behavior, but Piper Mom is pissed that he went to see Ezra without her. The argument heats up as Piper Mom says their family is a mess with one kid too depressed to go to school and one kid who goes to school to date her teacher. Byron wants to call the cops, but Piper doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She doesn’t want her daughter to be the focus of the town’s gossip, or to be held under police scrutiny again. She wants to protect her daughter more than she wants to punish Ezra.
Sigh. I really do understand where Piper Mom is coming from, I just hate that this is a valid argument.
Sweeney: AGREED! I wanted so badly for the cops to get involved and yet as I was listening to her, I had to begrudgingly agree that she was entirely right. DAMN IT.
Lor: I CAN’T EVEN DEAL WITH PARENTS WHO ARE RIGHT.
Hanna finds Ezra at the Hollis College of Pottery and Pedophila, because she was in the neighborhood. She goes to close the door and Ezra’s all, “can you leave that open?” because now he wants to think about what’s appropriate when the other day he was dry humping his fetus girlfriend in here. Anyway, Hanna just came by to say that people who love each other very much should be together. Good job, Ezra. You have the approval of another 16 year old.
Spencer and Emily are at the crisis hotline when the Lady in Charge get’s a call. She tells them to pick up and listen in, because it’s the caller from the trasscripts calling in again. We hear the caller, who is quickly identifiable as Lucas. He cries that he has no choice and that what he has to do now won’t be pretty.
Spencer and Emily are trying to tell Hanna about the Lucas call, but she’s not hearing them. She says Lucas has been a great friend to her, so she won’t believe her other friends. IDK. I know these girls accuse people per episode, but Hanna’s LA LA LA NOT LISTENING was annoying in this scene.
Aria calls Ezra and he picks up this time. He says that she can’t call anymore and hangs up. Aria cries.
Sara: Sorry for ya girl, but YAY BREAK UP.
Lor: Garrett arrives at Jenna’s house just as a car is driving away with her in it. Toby is on the porch and Garrett asks if Jenna was alone. Toby says he has no idea and that’s Garrett’s cue to launch into an obsessive, gross rant about how he’s only ever done what Almost Not Blind Again Jenna wanted him to do, and now she’s turned on him. Toby says that’s her way, using people and discarding them. Garrett is too in looove to walk away though and swears he will keep proving his looooove for her. Toby’s face is weird again. Needs more abs.
Sara: Here you go!
Lor: PHEW. That was close. All better.
Spencer is looking for stuff up in the attic of the lakehouse for the party. While she’s digging in there she realizes that the wallpaper matches the wallpaper in the picture with the dolls Caleb got off of A’s discarded phone. (Got all that?) This means A was once in Spencer’s lakehouse. Spencer hears a creaking noise and it turns out to be Lucas, claiming to be looking for some tools to hang a banner. Spencer is visibly freaked and is inching her way towards the exit as Lucas delivers all his lines in a creepy fashion. Seriously, he murders up the line, “some people like to store their tools in the attic,” like woah. I haven’t seen such great creep work since that one time Ian drank some milk.
Piper Mom, Byron and Aria are going out for dinner but there is only one place to eat in Rosewood and Ezra’s already there. Byron’s all, “no thanks, food.” and makes everyone leave.
Sara: Yep, I probably would have lost my appetite, too.
Sweeney: Catching sight of the pedophile who creeped on your child will do that to a person.
Lor: Emily heads back to the crisis hotline, saying she realized she stuck a transcript page in her phone by accident. Just as the Lady in Charge is going to say something, the phones ring. Lady in Charge signals to Emily to please pick a line up. It’s Lucas, of course, saying he’s going to do the thing he’s going to do that very night, but he’s going to lose “her” forever.
The Montgomerys are walking along, lamenting their loss of dinner or something, when they come across a man and his son, who we are informed were over seas until recently. The boy is named Holden and he’s about Aria’s age. Piper Mom invites them over for dinner some day, and Byron’s all, “YES, BOY WHO IS AGE APPROPRIATE. TALK TO MY DAUGHTER.”
At the birthday party, Hanna’s freaking out about the party details, and Spencer’s freaking out about the A thing. They can’t convince each other to care about their respective issues.
Emily arrives at the party and finds Lucas staring longingly at the birthday cake, but not quite in the same way that I often stare longingly at birthday cakes. Emily tries to therapy him about how lucky he is to have Hanna’s friendship. She asks him not to do anything he’s going to regret and he freaks.
Emily finds Spencer and fills her in about how she possibly just made things worse with Lucas. Spencer wants to get him out of there, and she asks Em to go talk to Hanna. They ask a passing Mona where Hanna is, and she tells them that Lucas and Hanna just took the boat to the other side of the lake to set up the fireworks. Spencer and Emily run to the window and watch as Lucas rows them across the water. This lake even has murder fog, just so that the misdirection is complete.
Sara: That has to be Camp Freaking Crystal Lake, with how murdery it looks.
Lor: After a Not Commercial Break, Lucas stops rowing in the middle of the lake and just stares at Hanna really creepily. Hanna asks him what the hell is going on and he just stares at her like a freak. Hanna hears Spencer and Emily calling out to her and she starts to get worried as Lucas says that this is hard for him to do. Hanna nervously apologizes if she took advantage of him, but he stands, grabs the box behind him and yells that this isn’t about the fireworks. Hanna uses this opportunity to whack Lucas with a paddle, knocking him out of the boat. He deserved at least that just for the freaky staring in the middle of the lake, thing.
Hanna rows away and we get lake up shots, like the freaking Loch Ness monster is watching her. It’s all incredibly ridiculous, FYI. Hanna’s oar gets caught on some really hard water or something, and she tries to force it free, but ends up falling off of the boat.
Spencer and Emily are yelling for Hanna. Emily runs off to call the police because she’s dumb.
Aria leaves a message for Ezra on his machine and I seriously feel sick for this little girl right now. She tells hiEzra that she thinks her mom is coming around so that they shouldn’t say goodbye to each other yet. (S: BECAUSE OF NOT CALLING THE COPS. “She’s not having you arrested, so, like, basically she’s endorsing this, yeah?” Aria. Honey.) She’s interrupted by Piper Mom come to tell her that Holden and his dad will be over for dinner on Sunday. Aria lies that she was just on the phone with Holden, and they were thinking of getting together, but she’s still grounded. Piper Mom falls for the bait and says she’ll talk to Byron about it.
Sara: PIPER MOM. You are smarter than that, lady. Come on.
Lor: Murder Lake. Kids from the party have all come out to see what’s happening. Hanna swims to shore and Spencer and Emily hug her and kind of sit there? I’m confused by a lot of these choices. Mona and Noel Kohn show up all wet, saying they went for a dip in the lake because it’s a nice night for it. Then they just walk away. They are probably off to murder kittens, because I still think they are awful.
Caleb shows up and wants to know what the heck is happening. Hanna offers a, “surprise,” just as the party goers start murmuring some, “oh my gods!” and other subdued exclamations. The girls look back at the lake where the boat is floating to shore. OH MY GOSH! Just kidding. It’s a floating boat.
And then we’re at the A-nonymous: Caleb’s sneaker floats in the lake and we watch it for 10 seconds before A pulls it out.
We had a string of really excellent PLL episodes lately but this one was… not. The lake bits made some very strange choices in an effort to build suspense but it was a little too overplayed, even for being a PLL episode. Plus, there was no in episode pay-off. We have no clue what Lucas’s issue is, we don’t know anything new about Jenna, and we met a couple of characters but we don’t know enough to have any piqued interest.
Sara: But at least there was a party?
Lor: Yay.
Next time: Hanna is finding that keeping lots of secrets is hard work on Pretty Little Liars S02 E16 – Let the Water Hold Me Down.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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