Previously: Paris Hilton is terrible at everything, and Weevil gets arrested for a crime his stupid Paris-Hilton-loving cousin committed.
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Meet John Smith
Democracy Diva: We open to a trio of nerds (not THAT Trio, thank goodness), rating their female classmates based on hotness. Apparently, Veronica’s detective skills up her from an 8.5 to a 9, according to Dweeb #1. How empowering! </sarcasm> Troy and Veronica do a walk-and-talk, which hilariously features V assuming T’s weekend plans revolve around autoeroticism. He’s actually just got a boner for boats, like apparently all wealthy southern California boys on television in the early aughts.
They exchange something like eight hundred thousand flirty glances as Troy departs. Veronica Voice Over [VVO] says going to school with your ex sucks, as Duncan stops to help pick up her books and there are more meaningful glances, this time of a broodier nature. Cut to Duncan in his pool. His dad is droning on about a political summer job he should go after, and like all good millennials, he uses his iPod to tune out the sound of his father’s voice.
Lorraine: I spend the whole scene worrying about said iPod’s proximity to the water.
Sweeney: Like a poor person. Rich kids give no fucks about destroying/replacing iPods.
Diva: Meanwhile, at the Mars house, Keith wants to know why Veronica’s guidance counselor wants to see him. She confronts him about why her mother was at the Camelot Motel with Jake Kane. He won’t give her an answer, and things get tense and uncomfortable.
Lor: I have so many feels for Keith. I mean, besides what secret-y secret things might be happening here, his spouse left him. I’m sure talking about it a lot is not what he wants to do, apart from what Veronica needs in the situation. Shit’s rough.
Diva: Now we’re cutting between dinner at the Mars house and dinner at the Kane house. Mr. and Mrs. Kane fight about Duncan like he’s not even there. He broods broodily. Veronica ditches her dad for the library; Duncan ditches his folks to go to Shelly’s.
Flashback to Veronica and Duncan engaging in some recreational vehicular activities (read: doin’ it in a car). She wakes up from her flashback sex dream, and everybody sings, C’MON NOW SUGAR!
Lor: Even though this is not my first time seeing this, I thought we were in Flashback too, because of the blue filter. On review, though, I think it’s straight sex dream because her hair is short.
Sweeney: Always have to check the hair.
Diva: Clearly, the Snow knows nothing, but will be confirming timelines via V’s hair from now on.
After the credits, Dweeb #1 from the opening scene is working at the video store. When Veronica comes in, Dweeb asks if it’s true that she helps out with her dad’s detective work. He wants to talk to her about something private; she tells him to find her at school the next day.
Sweeney: He also rents a movie to OSCAR WINNER MELISSA LEO.
Diva: At the Kane house, Mrs. Kane reminds Duncan to take his antidepressant (he’s been on it since Lilly died); instead, he drops it down the sink. Uh-oh.
At school, Veronica bumps into Troy and asks him out. No intro, no nothing, just a friendly and adorable, “Let’s go out.” God, if ONLY I were this normal around boys in high school, I might have actually been able to get a date! (L: I could’ve also used that extra .5 points being a PI gets you.) Meanwhile, Duncan and Logan complain about girls who talk. Oh my stars, I might just swoon over these courtly, chivalrous gentlemen! Duncan looks like a sweaty mess because he’s off his meds, but he’s pretending to Logan like everything’s fine.
Dweeb wants Veronica to help find his father, who ran out on him ten years ago. They’re having this conversation in the ladies room, and Veronica barring the door so a gaggle of girls can’t get in is pretty hilarious. Dweeb and his mom are working hard but are having trouble paying the bills. Dweeb (I’m sorry, but I will continue calling him this until I learn his name) doesn’t have any pictures, or a former address, or any personal information other than his father’s name – John Smith. Yeah, that dude sounds easy enough to find!
Guidance counselor and Keith are having their meeting about Veronica. GC sings V’s praises but says in the last year, her behavior has changed – she’s got more attitude and she’s socially isolated. Keith is like, yeah, no shit, what’s your point. He’s a little defensive, but she’s clearly just trying to help. The Snow thinks Keith and GC will be dating by the end of the season.
Lor: Well, shit. #yougivegoodTV
Sweeney: Snarky Prophet!
Diva: DEAL WITH MY SUPERPOWERS.
Cut to dinner at the Kane house, again. Mr. and Mrs. continue to talk about Duncan as if he’s not there, until he stands up to propose a toast. “To Molly,” he says. Jake can’t remember who Molly is – their former dog, who they apparently got rid of for peeing in the flower bushes. YOU KNOW, LIKE A DOG DOES. Duncan’s mom wants him to let this go, since it’s been six years, but he’s all, nope. Dog. Best friend. Not over it.
Dweeb #1 brags to Dweeb #2 that he has a date with Veronica, because she’s helping find his dad. Dweeb #2: “Didn’t your dad die, like, seven years ago?” I hereby retract my previous apology for not calling Dweeb #1 by his real name, because fuck this kid.
Back at the Mars house, Keith meets Wallace for the first time. Veronica’s introduction: “Wallace is a friend of mine. Take that, guidance counselor!” I giggled.
This bitch is awesome.
Sweeney: Watching this show always gives me a vague undercurrent of disappointment at the knowledge that in no lifetime will I ever be as awesome as Veronica Mars.
Diva: She tells Keith she’s helping Dweeb #1 by sending fake letters to four hundred different John Smiths saying that Dweeb won a scholarship, hoping that the real Mr. Smith will contact them saying they’ve got the wrong address. Keith’s response: “Part of me is proud . . . and let’s just leave it at that.”
Veronica asks Wallace for a favor – to “borrow” her permanent file from the school’s office. I hope she’s giving Wallace something (nonsexual) in return for all these “favors” that could get him seriously expelled. And I swear to you guys, I wrote that sentence right before Wallace literally says, “Oh sure, I could get expelled for that.” Wallace, have I mentioned lately how much I love you?
At the Kane house, Duncan once again tosses his antidepressant down the sink. Back at school, Wallace has Veronica’s file, and he’s reading all the cute things she did in kindergarten out loud. Dweeb #1 approaches and hands Veronica a mix CD he made for her, to get her through late-night stakeouts. Wallace can barely wait for the kid to walk away before he starts laughing, but at least Veronica is smart enough to realize that this boy is crazy in love with her, and so she asks Wallace to grab Dweeb’s file.
Cut to Veronica and Troy’s date. He’s telling a ridiculous story about how Duncan saved his life when they tried to turn Troy into a fake shark at the beach, and a lifeguard tried to shoot him. Veronica seems a little bit too charmed by this insane story that reveals how incredibly stupid this kid is. He punches the jukebox in a Fonzian attempt to change the song, and jokes that he would have expected sex if that had worked. Veronica: “Had that worked, you would’ve gotten it. Try it again.” Hilarious, but less so when he puts his number in her phone and deems it “booty call-enabled.” Okay, bro.
Lor: I’m not a Troy fan. Veronica snarks with ease but everything Troy says feels inorganic. Meh.
Diva: Agreed. Troy tries to kiss her, and she seriously backs away.
He shakes her hand awkwardly. And then bows, even more awkwardly. She watches him leave like she’s not even sure what just happened. She gets home, and when Keith asks how it went, she deadpans, “Lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic.” A+.
Sweeney: Keith says it wasn’t funny. We’re with you Veronica – definitely was. Sorry not sorry, dad. (Not that my 16 year old self EVER would have made a joke like that to my father. Not the point.)
Diva: She goes through a checklist of Troy’s good points, and wonders why she doesn’t want him. Cut to Duncan making out with his girlfriend – who he calls Veronica. Back at school, Wallace hands Veronica Dweeb’s file. She confronts him, asking him to explain why she hired him to find a fucking dead guy. A school employee comes over to Justin and hands him a letter, a response to Veronica’s scholarship ploy – from his father.
Dweeb shows up at Veronica’s house to apologize. Dweeb’s mom told him not to look for his dad, that he was better off thinking John Smith was dead. Dweeb still wants to track him down. Veronica realizes the letter came from San Diego, which has only three John Smiths. Keith interrupts Veronica’s work to tell her he doesn’t want her to think of her mom as a villain. “Isn’t she?” Veronica replies. She thinks it’s simple – the hero stays. The villain splits. Keith doesn’t think that’s a healthy view of things; she thinks it’s healthier than the alternative. Anyway, she’s discovered her mom’s address in Arizona, but she’s not telling Keith that.
Lor: I like how Keith just sees himself quietly out. You can almost hear the, “welp.”
Diva: Duncan, Logan, and their Gang of Douches are drinking on the bleachers. Logan wonders whether Troy slept with Veronica, and Duncan gets seriously up in his face about it, then backs off, then does a ridiculous and pretty offensive Asian accent for no apparent reason. Things get amazing when Duncan realizes that since they are six guys on the bleachers, they obviously need to sing “Summer Lovin'” from Grease. Yes. More musical references. ALWAYS. (S: A+, Duncan.) One douche does an extremely dangerous-looking backflip off the slide off the bleachers, until I realize he landed on padding. Whew.
Duncan spots Troy and Veronica kissing behind the bleachers. He tosses his flask at Logan, jumps onto the railing, and backflips off the side of the bleachers, all while screaming his head off. I may have also screamed my head off. And unlike his friend, he doesn’t land fully on the padding – he could have broken his fucking neck, but instead he’s just bleeding profusely from the head. Duncan finds this all hilarious as Veronica takes him to the hospital. Troy clearly wants to come along, but that’s a big bag of nope.
The towel behind Duncan’s head is so bloody that I’m wondering how he’s fully conscious and acting semi-normal. They get to the hospital, and Duncan wants Veronica to stay in the room with him. Jake arrives, clearly unpleasantly surprised to see Veronica. Jake sends her off, but not without a few more intense glances between V and D.
Duncan asks his dad to leave the room so he can talk to the doctor by himself. He’s asking the doctor about the effects of going cold-turkey off his anti-depressants. Nausea, hallucinations, nightmares can last for weeks, the doctor says. Duncan thinks it’s worth it.
Keith goes to the guidance counselor’s office to apologize for being defensive in their prior meeting. He tells her she was right about Veronica needing someone to talk to that isn’t him. They exchange smiles, and before he leaves, she tells him he always had her vote. THEY’RE TOTALLY GOING TO DATE, YOU GUYS. Am I right? No, don’t tell me.
Lor: I hope my previous hashtag doesn’t count as telling you anything…
Diva: My joy over being a Snow who knows everything outweighs my desire to not have things spoiled.
Anyway, Veronica brings back her three John Smiths from San Diego. The one who’s a petty criminal seems like the most likely candidate. Veronica agrees to take Dweeb to see his dad. Right after V tells Dweeb to be inconspicuous, he literally bolts out of the car and stops John Smith. (L: This is why you can’t take Dweebs anywhere.) He gets a good look at the guy and realizes that’s not the right John Smith. But V finds a post-it in John Smith’s convertible, and the handwriting matches the one on the letter.
Cut to a Duncan and Lilly dream sequence that is kind of terrifying. She’s acting normal, but bleeding from the head. Kind of like he just was. Dream!Lilly tells Duncan it was “so bogus,” the story of how her disappearance/murder allegedly went down. She says she wishes he could admit to himself that he knows that story is total bullshit. God, I love watching Amanda Seyfried do literally anything. She tells him to wake up, and he does.
Sweeney: Even Hallucination!Amanda Seyfriend is such a boss that she can command things to happen.
Diva: Back at John Smith’s house, Veronica does a little breaking and entering. John Smith catches her, and threatens to call the cops, but she says she knows what he does. He says he’s a parole officer (not the petty criminal we all believed him to be), and asks why she’s following him. Dweeb grabs Veronica’s taser and runs to the car that’s pulling up to John Smith’s house. “Justin,” the woman driving it says. “Dad?” he asks. She nods. 1430 to this show, because I did not see this coming, and I DEFINITELY did not expect a thoughtful storyline about a transgender character.
After the not-commercial break, Justin (things have gotten too feelingsy for me to keep calling him Dweeb) (L: You are a good woman.) is crying, talking to his father, saying he can’t believe this. She wishes she could have found a way to tell him. She didn’t know Justin’s mom pretended she was dead all these years, but she isn’t surprised. She’s also been popping into the video store where Justin works just so she could see him, see that he was all right. Both these actors are absolutely tearing me apart as they sob through this entire scene. Justin says he’s not all right, and he calls his father a “circus freak.” She says she had to do it, that this is who she is, and Justin leaves, and everyone is heartbroken, especially me.
Lor: Veronica is forced to shuffle off awkwardly with a, “it was nice meeting everyone.” I probably would’ve apologized a million times. To everyone.
Diva: Samezies. On the car ride home, Veronica reminds Justin that he has a father who travels ninety miles every week, just to see him for a few seconds at the video store. V would give anything to think her mom cared enough about her to do the same thing. BRB, too many feelings.
Sweeney: Or to have her mom be the awesome bitch who gave a hilariously drunk-hot-mess-f-bomb Oscar speech. (Instead of just a run-of-the-mill drunk.)
Diva: Thank you, Sweeney, for not only realizing that this actress is Melissa Leo, but for linking to one of the greatest Oscar acceptance speeches of all time.
Duncan is now back on his meds, and now he’s giving Veronica the cold shoulder at school again. Keith and Guidance Counselor meet-cute at a coffee shop, because I am awesome at television. And Justin calls his dad (Julia), and tells her that the movie she wanted came in, and that he works on Saturdays. Justin, I am so proud of you, you beautiful little dweeb.
Veronica finally gets to her mom’s address in Arizona, where she thinks she sees her mother. It’s actually Adriana, a college friend of V’s mom’s. V’s mom split a few weeks ago – Adriana doesn’t know where she went – and V starts to cry. “Doesn’t she care about me?” V asks as my heart shatters into a thousand little pieces. Adriana says yes, but V’s not convinced.
Veronica shows up at Troy’s ridiculously beautiful house, calling him to say she’s outside. When he comes out, she hugs him and cries. Sorry if you thought you were finally getting laid, Troy! Maybe next time.
Next time: Wallace has a new friend who needs help from Veronica because Neptune High is a school of people with lots of problems in Veronica Mars S01 E04 – The Wrath of Con.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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