Previously: Christina Hendricks came back and tried to trick everyone into helping her steal a gun, but the gang was too smart for that shit.
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The Message
Sara: We open at a cool looking floating space station that looks like it has lots of TV monitors on it. So basically my dream home. Inside, there’s a carny guy in a tall hat telling passerby that he’ll convince them to believe in aliens once they see what’s inside his freak show circus tent. The Mad Hatter says it will haunt their dreams and harrow their very soul.
Lorraine: I love the idea that humans are now in space, and people are still debating the existence of aliens. “Yep. They’re here…. somewhere…”
Sweeney: LOOK HARDER, HUMANS! Look harder.
Sara: We cut to Simon and Kaylee looking at a large test tube, with the former saying, “Yep. That’s a cow fetus.” Kaylee doesn’t see it until Simon tells her to look at it upside down.
Simon cutely says that he really knows how to show a girl a… disgusting time, and Kaylee giggles that it’s sweet that the poor little thing never saw the light of day but is now in show business. Simon smiles about Kaylee being able to find the bright side in everything, which is only one of the many reasons we all adore her. Kaylee says that they still have five minutes left in the booth and requests to hear more good things about herself. Simon delivers: Kind of a genius at machines, always says what she means, and her eyes… He doesn’t finish because he’s embarrassed, but Kaylee is giddy. Plus, Simon adds, she’s the only girl he knows who isn’t married, professional, or related to him, so basically she’s there, as The Bachelor Juan Pablo would say, by default. Simon, we love you, but.
Lor: But I love you, Sara, for making a Juan Pablo reference. Simon should be super offended.
Sweeney: My TV Boyfriend was doing so well for a hot minute there. Then he just fell apart. Disastrous play, Simon. Head to the Shame Corner and reevaluate.
Sara: Kaylee’s face drops, and she tells him that that was a helluva thing to say. I love that Kaylee isn’t the type to fake smile and not speak up (like me), but rather tells him wtf is up and why he’s being rude. Simon says he was just joking, but Kaylee ain’t having it. She knows that he probably had tons of girls to choose from when he was a hot shot doctor and now he’s stuck out on the edges of the universe with no choices. Simon tries to recover, but Kaylee is done. She leaves him in the Cow Fetus Room as Wash and Zoe enter, with Wash saying, “Oh my god! It’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.” Hee.
Zoe immediately knows that he said something stupid (women’s intuition), and Simon confirms that he did and also that he isn’t very good at talking to girls. “Why? Is there… someone you are good at talking to?”
Lor: I just realized this is our first episode since seeing Gina Torres as Jasmine on Angel.
Sweeney: I KNOW. It makes seeing her here so weird. I don’t know how to handle it because I love Zoe, but Jasmine is a hard stain to get out.
Sara: On another part of the Carnival Station, Mal is bitching to Inara about no one wanting to buy his fancy antique gun. Inara thinks that selling that gun would be like trying to sell the Mona Lisa: It’s too famous and well-known for anyone to want to buy it on the black market. Inara wants him to reconsider her offer of selling the gun to a wealthy high-up official she might know, but Mal doesn’t want her to risk losing her job to be a crook. “The career you abhor and look down on?” Mal tells her that he just doesn’t want her at risk. Because he’s in loooooove, duh.
Lor: Sometimes I think he doesn’t want Inara to do anything that “taints” her. No whoring, no robbing, no trickery, and WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE DINNER. It’s weird.
Sweeney: That’s…kind of gross. It makes it into more of a pedestal-love than an actual love. Much like Gunn’s assumption that it’s OK for him to kill someone but not Fred. To Mal’s credit, I think he has the sense to recognize that there’s a problem. Still, I’m not a fan of this side of Mal’s character.
Sara: Mal picks up the mail for the crew and meets up with River, who is trying to eat a sphere shaped object hanging on a string, and Jayne, who is mocking the genius who can’t figure out how to eat an Ice Planet. Jayne reports that he picked up everything the ship needed while they were there and also got a discount because of his intimidating manner. Remind me to bring Jayne along with me the next time I try to haggle at a farmer’s market.
Before they leave, two more packages are dragged out: A huge one addressed to Mal and Zoe, and a small one addressed to Jayne. Jayne is little-kid excited about his, and Book warns everyone to step back before he opens it. Jayne sarcastically HA HAs and says that his package is from his mother. He reads the letter attached, and I can only assume he’s at about a fourth grade reading level, and it is precious. When he opens it up, it’s a goofy looking hat and one that all fans of Firefly are probably familiar with.
Sweeney: That’s one of the first things I ever knew about this show. Fan Studies was a big part of my grad coursework, and that’s a case study that’s been brought up by a number of academics. (Because obviously I hung out in the corner of academia that watches a lot of TV and calls it “work.”) “Firefly? That’s the show with the classy cease and desist order over some knitted hats, yeah?”
Sara: You’d think they invented the knitted hat!
Mal pries open his and Zoe’s larger box and hopes aloud that they all get funny hats, too. They lift the cover, and inside, they find the body of a man. Jayne peeks in, still wearing his goofy hat. “What’d y’all order a dead guy for?”
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKYYYYY FROM MEEEEE. Only three more episodes of this theme song, and it’s making me a little sad.
Lor: It can live forever in your heart! Or as your ringtone.
Sara: Battle of Du-Khang, Seven Years Earlier. There’s lots of battly things happening, fire and smoke and guns and stuff. The What’s In the Boooox dead guy is sitting by himself in the middle of some rubble, preparing to open a can of beans to get his food on. I would mock him for trying to eat in the middle of this very dramatic moment, but food always wins in my world, too. By the way, the Dead Box Guy is also the Whedon Hat Trick who was just seen on Buffy (in Conversations with Dead People) and in the Season 4 finale of Angel. You go, Glen Coco!
Sweeney: The Snow Hath Been Made Impure: y’all talked about how this guy’s Firefly appearance made you hate him as a Whedon Hat Trick. Maybe I’m reading too much into that, but I’m guessing he’s not dead. Or undead. (Again!) Erring on the side of not dead. (Because being undead twice over would be kinda neat as Hat Tricks go.)
Sara: An enemy solider is sneaking up on him, but right before Hat Trick gets killed, Zoe steps behind the solider and slits his throat. Hat Trick thanks her and continues eating his beans. Zoe tells him that the next time he acts stupid, she’s going to let him get killed, but you can tell they’re friends. Zoe says that the first rule of battle is never letting the enemy know where you are.
Which is, of course, Mal’s cue to run out in the open yelling, “WHOOOO I’M RIGHT HERE, I’M RIGHT HERE. YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? YEAH YOU DO!” I definitely didn’t remember this scene, and I died. The timing on the comedy of this show couldn’t be better.
Mal jumps behind some cover near them and says he’s figured out that they don’t like it when you shoot at them. “Worked that out myself!” Mal is surprised that Hat Trick isn’t dead yet and asks how the Lieutenant is doing. Apparently, he’s gone into shock, thinking that he doesn’t have arms anymore when he’s actually just fine. Zoe asks Mal for orders, while Hat Trick complains that he doesn’t want to die for the big stupid rock they’re on. Mal says that everyone dies eventually, and you might as well die of old age before it finds you. “Everyone dies. Somebody’s carrying a bullet for you right now and doesn’t even know it.” This Mal is such an interesting contrast to the Mal we know, who is all about survival.
Lor: Agreed! I was going to comment on that right after his big, “OVER HERE!” deal, but our Mal has grown up some and ~*seen things*~
Sweeney: I like the feel of continuity to it, though. He’s noticeably different while still feeling, honest and truly, like a younger version of the same man. It’s nicely done.
Sara: They’re about to head out when they hear something that turns out to be a seeker, which is basically a Mario Kart red shell. (L: A+) (S: Actual best.) It heads straight for them, but Mal throws something in the air to guide it away, which is basically like holding a string of bananas behind you to keep you safe. (And if you play with my brother, you have to hold those damn bananas back there the entire game, or he will destroy you.) Hat Trick falls down, unable to move, but Mal hoists him up and runs him out of there.
Present Day. Mal and Zoe both recognize Hat Trick, and the others wonder if someone sending them a dead body is a warning of some kind. The post office guy tells them to GTFO with their dead body because shipping dead bodies is super illegal. They close the box back up and get to carrying him back to Serenity.
Simon shows up late and asks Kaylee if they got something fun in the mail, but Kaylee just rolls her eyes and River calls him a boob. Hee.
Back on the ship, Zoe and Mal are examining the body and everyone else is chiming in. Jayne is worried that he might have a plague or something, and Wash kind of agrees with him. Simon offers to do an autopsy, which Kaylee scoffs at (“Ugh, robot”) but Mal says they don’t need him to just yet. Zoe finds a recording device in Hat Trick’s hand and pushes play.
The message is for Mal and Zoe. Hat Trick says that he fell in with the wrong crowd after the war and made some bad decisions. He knows that his body won’t be cared for after he dies, so he’d like for his friends to get him to his parents’ home to be buried there. As the message goes on, everyone looks very solemn. Even Jayne takes off his silly hat out of respect. Hat Trick knows that Mal and Zoe carried him through the war, and he’d like if they could carry him just a little bit further. Before anyone can speak, Wash starts heading off to redirect to Hat Trick’s home planet. Mal starts to apologize for any inconvenience this might bring to Inara and her work, but she interrupts to say it’s no problem.
Lor: I’m pretty sure, even on first watch, my immediate thoughts were, “how did he mail his dead self and get a recording device all nice and in his hand?”
Sweeney: YUP. Are we to believe that the person who killed him was all, “Gee, I know I wanted you dead, but sure, I’ll honor your final wishes by putting you into a crate and mailing you to this dude.” Why wouldn’t this honorable killer just mail him home then? This pretty much confirms my “not dead” theory. Though I guess “undead” is still on the table. Fingers crossed!
Sara: Back on the Carnival Space Station, some scary looking guys with badges confront the post office guy and threaten him with rape in prison, which is gross. The head officer (who you might recognize from one of my favorite shows, Harper’s Island) wants to know where the body is, but Postmaster stutters that he doesn’t know. After a little more prodding, Postmaster lies that he saw a crate big enough for a body but didn’t see the body itself. He gives up Mal’s name and the Officer Harper thanks him before threatening to set him on fire if he warns Mal that they’re after him. They literally put gasoline on him and everything. Scary.
Kaylee is laying in her hammock, listening to Hat Trick’s recording again. Simon walks up to the door behind her and considers saying something, but ends up rethinking it and walking away. In another part of the ship, Jayne is working out near the casket, where Book is quietly saying a few words. Jayne thinks it’s nice of him and that God should look after the dead. Then he offers to spot Book if he wants to do a set with the weights. He says that most people get quiet and reflective after seeing a dead body, but when he sees a body he didn’t kill, it makes him want to work out or bang a girl or something. He wonders if Book will read over him when he’s dead, but Book tells him he’s pretty sure Jayne will be around long after he will. They’re interrupted by River, who is laying on top of the casket and talking about how comfortable it is. Book guesses they do all have different reactions to death.
Lor: Girls laying on caskets: another “Conversations with Dead People” tie-in.
Sweeney: A+ observation!
Sara: Later, Mal, Zoe, and Inara are sitting around the dinner table, drinking and telling funny stories about Hat Trick and the war. I’m always impressed by actors laughing naturally on camera. That must be hard to do. Right in the middle of talking, a huge crash shakes the ship, and they take off to find Wash and figure out what’s going on.
In the bridge, Wash tells them that they have someone on their ass, firing. A message comes in on the radio from Officer Harper who orders them to pull over and dock because they have stolen property on board. The gang assumes he’s talking about the stolen gun and wonder if Christina Hendricks tipped him off. Once he explains that he’s looking for a crate, Mal cutely tells him that he’ll check his cargo to see if he’s got his stolen item. Officer Harper warns him not to play games with him, but Mal hangs up on him and runs downstairs to check the casket that Hat Trick was in.
They tear it apart but don’t find anything worthwhile which must mean that the officers want the body for some reason. Mal wonders if there might be something inside of him, so he asks Simon to go ahead and do the autopsy. In the infirmary, Simon tells Mal, Zoe, and Jayne that Hat Trick has been opened before. He goes to cut his chest, and Hat Trick wakes up, screaming and flailing. And it scared the crap out of me, too, by the way.
Lor: I vaguely remembered this plot twist but didn’t know how we got here. I was startled.
Sweeney: Which is hilarious because my lack of future knowledge (combined with my NOT DEAD conviction) had me beginning every scene going, “BET HE’S GONNA WAKE UP NOW.” I saw this coming, but only insofar as I have been tensely waiting for him to wake up for the last however many minutes. If you spend every minute betting that the next one marks 10:00AM, you’ll be right eventually.
Sara: Mal catches him and wrestles him to the ground to explain that Simon was only cutting him open because they thought he was dead. Hat Trick suddenly remembers and calms down so Simon can patch him back up. While Simon cleans up, he asks what drug he used to be fake dead. Hat Trick didn’t ask for the name of the pill he took; he was just told that it would knock him out for about a week. He then throws up into a bucket that Jayne is holding, and Jayne looks like the vomit is going to be contagious. I feel you, Jayne.
Mal asks wtf he’s doing, and Hat Trick just says that he wanted to get home to his family, but there were people who didn’t want him to leave while he was in possession of their property. While he talks, Simon hooks him up to some machines and when one of them starts beeping wildly, he tells Mal that Hat Trick is currently having a heart attack. HT [Hat Trick] laughs it off and says that machines lie sometimes and he’s fine. His heart might run a little hot, but it works great. When Simon goes back to his machines, he notes that it isn’t just his heart that isn’t normal – it’s everything. HT admits that this is the property he was talking about.
A little while later, HT is filling them in. The body parts are grown in a lab and need to be transported to other planets, so HT has them put inside his own body to carry them there. The technology doesn’t exist yet to get the body parts there any other way, so he’s paid to be an incubator for them. (L: So… how are they keeping his real organs viable?) (S: Also, where are they?) He was supposed to be at a drop spot in Ariel two weeks ago, to have those parts taken out and his actual organs put back in, but he got an offer for three times as much money and skipped town. Unfortunately, his original buyer found out about the deal and killed the new buyer before he got there. HT is bummed because he planned on using that money to help his parents move off of their crappy planet. Kaylee swoons at how sweet the gesture was.
Mal verifies that HT made himself look dead so the original buyers would stop looking, but obviously they’ve figured it out. The ship is hit again by another big blast and they all run up to the bridge to answer Officer Harper’s second call. He demands again that they pull over immediately, but Mal says that the last blast knocked out some doo-hickey and now the only option they have is to find a planet to land on. They hang up and find Mal asks Wash if they zoom around on a nearby planet and try to lose the guys.
During the bump, Kaylee and HT are thrown together into a just-about-to-kiss position. They flirt, and HT asks if Wash is Kaylee’s boyfriend. When Kaylee laughs and tells him that Zoe is actually married to Wash, HT is surprised. During the war, Zoe was always a hard ass who never smiled, and even Mal was a little afraid of her. With another big bump, HT lands on the bed next to Kaylee and says he would be really upset if anything were to happen to her. Insta-love is strong with these two. Also, this isn’t really the time to be getting your flirt on, guys.
Lor: I love Kaylee but she’s being a little weird this episode. Calm down, girl.
Sweeney: Word. (Admittedly, I am inherently sad on behalf of my TV Boyfriend, even if he did bring this on himself.)
Sara: Back to the chase scene, where Book is noticing that there’s an Alliance station right nearby, but the cops chasing them haven’t sent them any signals, which is fishy. Happily, Wash whoops about finally losing them with his expert flying. Until he looks up and realizes that they’ve just flown higher to avoid all the rocks and dangerous planet parts, and they’re having no trouble at all. Which is a hilarious strategy. The officers send out a few rockets and one hits some rocks that fall down, almost damaging Serenity. Wash finds a place to land in a cave and hopes that the officers don’t try too hard to find them.
Just then, the lights start flickering and everyone gets nervous because it sounds like the officers are bombing them. Everyone waits quietly, except for River, who is sitting in a stairwell and counting the time in between explosions to see if the storm is coming or going. Wash tells Mal that if the bombs hit above them, they’ll be trapped under the rubble, but Book says they do have one other option.
Stupid ass HT heads out from Kaylee’s room (against Mal’s earlier orders) and says he just wants to see what’s going on. As he enters the bridge, he overhears Book telling Mal that their only option is to give themselves up, and Jayne agrees. Mal gives the order to Wash to call the cops and surrender. Of course, just then, stupid ass HT grabs a gun and NOPES that idea right out of the air.
Lor: I love that he says, “NO THANK YOU.” So polite with your gun waving. Momma didn’t raise a rude boy.
Sara: Book tries to talk to him, but HT interrupts and tells him to stfu. He knows the cops will just take all his organs back and leave him for dead if they give him up. Mal still tells Wash to call the cops, but he doesn’t want to with HT still saying he’ll kill the preacher if they do. Mal calls his bluff and again demands for Wash to call and surrender. As Wash reaches for the radio, HT shoots at him and grazes his temple. At the same exact time, Zoe shot HT in the chest because ain’t nothing coming between her and her man.
Magically, HT isn’t dead and stumbles out into the hallway where he takes Kaylee hostage and runs off. He begs Kaylee not to let them sell him to the cops, but she’s confused and just wants to know what happened. As HT tries to get to a shuttle to take off, Mal, Zoe, and Jayne surround him with their weapons raised.
Mal speechifies about HT trying to drag them down with him because of the nasty business he got himself into. They play a little bit of Moral One Upping with HT saying that Mal has no right to judge him for the things he’s done because Mal has done a lot of bad shit, too. He mailed himself to Mal and Zoe, because he knew they were a couple of saps who are on Team Feels: More Human Than You.
Lor: Count on us to bring your dead body pretty much anywhere!
Sweeney: It’s true. Somewhere Kirsti is cackling about their equally true mantra that hearts get in the way.
Sara: Mal points out that it’s awfully quiet now, because the bombing has stopped which can only mean that the cops have been called. HT responds that this means they’ve just murdered him. Jayne cocks his gun from the catwalk on the other side of HT and when he turns his gun to Jayne, Mal takes a shot. HT falls down and lays on the catwalk, moaning in pain. Mal walks up to him and says, “No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried your bullet for awhile,” as a callback to the beginning of the episode. (L: #deep) The cops enter the ship with their guns drawn, and Jayne has his gun trained on them also.
When Officer Harper says that he can kill anyone without question, Book wonders out loud why he didn’t call the Alliance station nearby for backup earlier. Somehow, Book has figured out that the officer got his command stripes pretty damn far from where they are, which means he’s way out of his jurisdiction and is trying to keep quiet about what he’s currently doing. Book imagines that it wouldn’t matter to anyone if they killed all the officers and threw their bodies at the bottom of one of the canyons. Officer Harper is like, Whatever, I didn’t want it anyway! and stomps off. But not before telling Jayne that his hat makes him look like an idiot. Ha! Also, WTF DID BOOK DO BEFORE THIS?
Lor: Spy Bible Ninja Youth Mauler Extraordinaire.
Sweeney: Lor and I often joke about writing all the crossover magic fanfic we dream up here. I say joke because the Spreadsheet O’ Dreams is obviously way too long for that dream to ever come to fruition. That said, the Book + Youth Mauling Bear buddy cop story just became #1 on that to-do list.
Sara: Upstairs, HT realizes that this was the plan all along, not to actually give him up. Okay, I kind of call bullshit on this. Why the hell couldn’t Mal have said this when they were up in the bridge and HT was aiming a gun at Book? That is stupid. Everyone’s lives were endangered when all he could have said was, “We have a plan. We are not giving you up.” Dumb. HT apologizes to Mal and Kaylee and then dies a completely pointless death.
Lor: Like 10-20 minutes after he probably should’ve died. So, at least he had that.
Sara: His message from earlier plays over as we see the crew taking his casket out into the snow where HT’s family waits to give him a funeral. Jayne again removes his hat, Zoe says her goodbyes, and Kaylee and Simon hold hands. The music in the background makes the whole scene really beautiful, but I’m still not happy with the fact that they couldn’t tell HT the original plan. This isn’t my favorite episode. It felt too contrivancey for my taste, because I hate when there are situations on shows that could be solved with literally two sentences, but no one takes the time to say them. It just didn’t really feel like this episode propelled any of the plot forward much, so I feel kind of meh about it.
Next time: The crew defends a pregnant prostitute from her angry baby daddy in Firefly S01 E13 – Heart of Gold.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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