Previously: Mal’s war buddy shipped himself to the crew in an effort to escape some trouble with the law. No one shared their plan to save him and then they shot him. Twice.
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Heart of Gold
Lorraine: Dusty planet. Two people are hanging up some laundry when they notice five men on horseback and a hovercraft of some sort approaching. The girl calls out to “Nandi” and from within the house covered in tin foil, Julie Cooper exits. You may recognize her from any number of other things, including The Vampire Diaries, Entourage or Nakita. You might even know her name is Melinda Clarke. But, like, Julie Cooper.
Sweeney: JULIE COOPER!!
Sara: I KNEW I KNEW HER!
Lor: Julie Cooper tells the man who climbs out of the hovercraft (Rance) that they aren’t open for business and that he isn’t welcome at their establishment anymore. He’s come for what’s his, though, and tells his henchmen to find the girl. Despite Julie’s claim that the girl isn’t there, the henchmen find her in like two seconds, meaning she was just standing there by the door. I bet Julie Cooper is rolling her eyes right now.
Turns out this girl, Petaline, is pregnant and Rance wants to prove the baby is his. He sticks Petaline with some space-tech do-hickey, that apparently takes a sample of DNA. If the baby is his, he’s coming back to take it, even if he has to cut it out of Petaline. She whimpers and the other prostitutes (for that is what they do) run to comfort her as they watch Rance and his men take off. They are real worried that Rance is going to carry out his threat, but Julie Hooker tries to comfort them, saying they’ll get help. A frizzy haired girl asks who the heck would help them? Julie Hooker stares out into middle distance, trying to think of a person who would help out a bordello in need, maybe a man with a chiseled jaw and who looks real good in tight pants.
HEY, LOOK. WE CUT TO MAL. (S: Segue of Epic Magic.) He cocks his gun all hero like until Inara walks up behind him and startles him. He tries to play it off, but finally just warns her about sneaking up on a guy while he’s handling his weapon. *eyebrows of innuendo* Inara basically says he should handle his weapon outside of the public dinning area, but he needs the big table. Inara jokes about the proper place setting for small concealable weapons and Mal stares at her with an indiscernible look. It’s somewhere between, “WTF are you talking about?” and “I want you naked on this table.”
Wash interrupts their staring party with the news that someone is hailing them for help. Mal makes a big deal about petty thieves being asked for help, but it turns out the person hailing them is looking for Inara. MISDIRECTION. Julie Hooker was staring into middle distance thinking about a hero in beautiful silk dresses. As Inara heads off to take the call in the Sexy Shuttle, Mal can’t help but make a smart remark: This distress wouldn’t happen to be taking place in someone’s pants, would it?
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME. For the second to last time. Is it your favorite yet, Sweeney?
Sweeney: Woah now! I didn’t know you all were gunning for FAVORITE. Calm down. Yeah, it won me over and I love it, but I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I need to be in more of an open relationship with this theme song.
Sara: Top three for me, for sure.
Lor: Top three, open relationship, both acceptable.
Sexy Shuttle. I want to keep calling her Julie Hooker, but it’s a long episode so, fine. Nandi. (S: BOO!) Inara tells Nandi she’s sure the crew of Serenity can handle the situation, but she can’t guarantee they’ll handle it well. Nandi isn’t being picky. She just needs guns and brains. Nandi knows that “the House” told Inara to shun her when she left, but Inara says the House can shove it up their ass (approximate translation). They warmly say goodbye.
Inara, without turning around, knows that Mal’s been eavesdropping. He pokes his head out from behind a curtain and parrots back the conversation and his understanding of it. Mal seems to marvel at the idea of a whole house full of companions, but Inara clarifies that they are whores. Mal thought she hated that word, but she says that it applies in this case. These girls aren’t registered with the guild. They work “independently.” Inara says she has some money to pay Mal but he stands and says she doesn’t need to pay him. Inara doesn’t look at him when she says that she insists on paying him, because she wants to keep their relationship strictly business. Mal leaves to tell the crew about their new job.
Sweeney: And to walk off the visible sad panda he’s feeling after that STRICTLY BUSINESS comment.
Lor: In the cargo bay, Zoe tells the crew that they can join the mission if they’d like, or just as easily stay on the ship. Jayne asks what’s in it for him, and Book says people need help. That isn’t enough for Jayne, until Mal swoops in and informs him they’ll be rescuing whores. He’s in. The camera pans across the crew and we get a one second look at River who is smiling adorably. She always has these great background reactions.
Sweeney: Major Sidebar: The pervert works here in ways that this gag doesn’t work on certain sitcoms where that trope is pervasive (Dads and the like) because the actual joke isn’t, “LOL, it’s funny how he’s a pervert!” The joke is, “See, I said they were good people, but that’s not ‘good people’ behavior so I had to amend my statement.” This is a really basic example of something that I think we discuss a lot. I’m also thinking about it because my Worst Of vlog was a lot of, “I dislike the way they wrote this subject,” which I’m bringing up now to say that it’s never about subjects themselves being off-limits, so much as being cognizant of how subjects are being addressed. I liked this bit for that reason.
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Lor: Agreed.
Kaylee notes that they have boy whores.
Simon says there’s a pregnant girl he has to examine and Kaylee sighs about how no boys are lining up to examine her. Jayne is being… well, Jayne surrounded by prostitutes. Simon goes to examine his patient. Two women approach Book and he quickly shuts them down with a “no thank you.” But they weren’t trying to proposition him. They want a prayer meeting. Book doesn’t look at them and is a tad fidgety until one of the girls mentions that the last shepherd who came around only read one passage and took both of them as payment. He stills, and regards them with shock.
Sara: Oh, Book. You’re a good man, even if you do have a secret killer crazy person past that we don’t know about.
Lor: Kaylee is still moping.
Lor: Meeting room. Nandi tells them all about Rance. Inara asks if the baby is his and she answers that the baby is Petaline’s. Rance did favor her, and his wife can’t bear children. He has enough money to build a nice city, but instead, he keeps the place dusty so he can play cowboy. Mal wants to meet the guy and size him up. Nandi says he’ll be at the theater that night. Mal asks Inara if she can stoop to being on his arm and she doesn’t miss a beat: Will you wash it first? Nandi smiles.
Theater. Rance tells a dude-bro story and Mal laughs loudly at it before complimenting his beauty. Rance takes his gun out of its holster and shows it off for Mal. It’s a space-tech gun, with a laser and a silver finish to boot. Mal pointedly says he thought guns such as this were illegal. Rance Wife stands and says something about legality vs. morality and protecting one’s family. Mal smiles a big, fake smile, hands the gun back and clarifies that anyway, the beauty he originally referred to was Rance Wife.
Outside the theater, Inara asks what the plan is now that Mal has met Rance. Mal says they are going back to the ship and getting the hell out of Dodge.
Inside, Rance gets a call confirming that the baby is his.
Tin Whore House. (S: Tiiiiiin roof! Rusted!) Mal is telling everyone the new plan: they run. The numbers don’t add up and he’s sure that even if they defeat Rance once, he’s the kind of SOB that would just keep coming. Nandi says she understands Mal’s need to protect his crew. Mal thinks Nandi doesn’t understand. He’s saying they all run. He wants to gather all the girls and take them away. Nandi says no. This Tin House is her home and it took her a long time to build it. She isn’t going to let any man take it from her, and she figures Mal would do the same. Mal admits that she’s his kind of stupid.
Sara: You go, Julie Cooper! She’s like the female version of Mal.
Lor: The Strings of Space Cowboy Hijinks cue our battle preparations. Jayne, who has spent this whole scene combing the frizzy haired girl’s hair, says they might even catch Rance by surprise. Zoe suggests night watches. Book the Ninja Awesome Superhero Gardener Negotiater says he’s also very handy with a hammer and can help fortify the Tin House. Mal asks about the water supply in the house, and asks Kaylee if she can upgrade it. She cutely says she’ll, “talk to Serenity,” and see what spare parts she can scrounge up.
River, eyes wide, announces that it’s starting. Mal thinks she means the battle, but Petaline is all, “OW!” so we understand that the birth is starting. Mal starts to freak out a bit, while telling everyone to stay calm, and Zoe smiles at him. Simon says he’ll go ahead and take care of the birth. Mal tells everyone else it’s time to get down to work.
Montage of work: Book hammering, Zoe laying down a wire, Petaline giving birth, Jayne loading up his gun. The Prayer Prostitutes approach Book again. They’ve been talking about what they’d like said over them if they should fall. Book says he only buries the dead, and no one here is going to die.
Sweeney: Welp, that’s a death sentence if ever there was one. It’s really frustrating when characters don’t get how TV works.
Lor: And he won’t have a clue what to say over them.
Cut to Jayne telling his frizzy haired girl (whose hair is looking much better since Jayne combed it) that people are going to die, guts and screaming and all. He tells Frizzy that he’s laid out all his favorite guns and she’s to pass them to him during the fight. Then, they get to pre-battle sexing.
Outside, Wash and Zoe are talking about having a baby. Wash says that they aren’t in the best position to have one, but Zoe thinks that excuse is getting old. She isn’t so afraid of losing something that she isn’t going to try to have it. They would make a beautiful baby, and she wants to meet that baby one day. She says it forcefully, while grabbing his collar a bit, and then stomps away. Because she a badass and a wife and she wants to be a mother. And I love her.
Sweeney: SHE’S PERFECT. Still want to grow up to be Zoe. Maybe with less legitimate life or death situations. Like, Zoe-level badass without actually needing to use it? Can I arrange that?
Sara: And they would make some beautiful babies.
Lor: Mal is boarding up the window in Nandi’s room. We can hear Jayne in the background, giving shooting lessons to the girls. He accuses them of pulling, not squeezing and says the next one to miss the target has to give up a special treat. BECAUSE GUNS AND SEX AND PROSTITUTES, YOU SEE?
Nandy shows Mal her collection of guns as she notes that she expected more of the crew to take advantage of her establishment. Mal explains that they have a married man (Wash), a preacher (Book), and a tight ass (Simon), which doesn’t exactly make the best client list. Mal admires Nandi’s guns because I’m sure this whore/gun thing is on purpose. I mean, the opening scene with Inara was full of that “handling my weapon” innuendo, and then we had the penis measuring contest with Rance over his gun, than Jayne laying out his guns before sex, and now these two are flirting over guns.
Anyway, he tells her that her whores are perfectly lovely, but she says he hasn’t even spared them a glance. Perhaps he’s “sly” and prefers one of her boys. Mal assures her that he leans toward womenfolk, he’s just got his mind on the fighting. He doesn’t like complications. Nandi smiles, reminding him that she trained as a companion and can read people. In this case, she’s read that Mal has the hots for Inara. Nandi, girl, I like you but I wouldn’t call that reading people. Mal and Inara pull on each other’s hair and chase each other around practically all the time.
Nandi tells Mal that she doesn’t know why Inara left Sihnon, but most people were shocked by her departure. With time, she may have become house priestess. Nandi finishes by saying that Inara is like Mal, in that she also hates complications. Mal says that they do crop up though and Nandi agrees. “Such is life.”
Cut to Petaline screaming through contractions. Simon is examining her, noting that she isn’t fully dilated. Inara is mopping her brow and translating doctor speak to plain English. Inara asks how many babies he’s delivered. Zero as the primary. He returns the question and Inara admits this is her first as well. River says it’s her first too and they give her a look. Simon says it’s going to be a long night. River stares at Petaline and asks, “who do you think is up there?” Fingers crossed for a human baby.
Sweeney: Human-or-not is a very legitimate concern. Less so on this show, but STILL. A CONCERN. We’ve seen so many mystical pregnancies now that it’s always a looming concern.
Lor: Nandi’s room. She’s telling the story of why she left companionship when she smashed a dulcimer and realized that companionship was too restricting for her. She wanted to have sex for money and not have to take stuffy music lessons. She ran away and ended up running the whore house. Her and Mal are throwing back drinks. He tells her she’s a remarkable woman, which is her cue to scoot a little closer. Mal looks at her longingly before he drops his gaze and says he should check in with the crew. She calls his bullshit and says everyone else is sleeping.
Mal says he has a confession and Nandi offers to go get Book. Mal says he hasn’t sinned yet, and doesn’t want Book there when he does. He asks if he’s overstepping his bounds and Nandi is all, “OH MY GOODNESS, I’M PRACTICALLY IN YOUR LAP.” (Approximate translation.) She says she’s been waiting for him to kiss her since she brought out her phallic pistols. They kiss briefly and Mal pulls back, saying he’s just waiting to see if he passes out. Long story. They resume the kissing and Nandi says she ain’t “her.” Mal says the only two people in this room are him and her. It’s unclear if he’s picked up that she meant Inara, or if he assumes she means Christina Hendricks.
Cut to sexy times. There is some really soft music playing and they both are really sweaty.
Sara: I was really bummed about this development. BUT INARA. PERFECT INARA.
Lor: Evil Baby Daddy Headquarters. Rance asks a henchman if Nandi’s acquired champion has a name. We cut to the informant and it looks like one of Nandi’s girl. She tells Rance that it’s Malcolm Reynolds and he’s got just a few people and only two real fighters, but he’s stirring up the girls for battle. Rance tells his men that the Heart of Gold has few mercenaries.
I thought the title of this episode was being funny but it’s actually HILARIOUS that this whore house is actually called Heart of Gold. Oh, Julie Hooker. You are a star. (S: IT’S AMAZING.) Not a star is freakin’ Rance, who riles up his gathered men by being a misogynistic prick and saying Nandi and co. don’t know their place. He makes the Snitchy Prostitute get on her knees and we cut to black.
The next morning, the sun is rising, the birds are chirping and Nandi is waking up next to a naked Malcolm. Seems like it’s going to be a good day, right Nandi? Nothing could possibly go wrong! Malcolm butt is in squeezing distance! She smiles happily and turns to look at him.
Sara: That would be one hell of a last night, though. I’ll take it!
Lor: Later, a half-dressed Malcolm leaves Nandi’s room and runs into none other than Inara. He bumbles and stutters and Inara stops him and says it’s fine. She’s glad even, because Nandi is a friend and was probably in need of comfort. Mal still can’t form words and Inara cuts him off again with, “One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not feeling embarrassed afterwards. You should look into it.” Mal asks if she’s okay, but then realizes that there is no reason for her not to be okay. She says she is a little appalled at Nandi’s taste and walks away.
Jayne is in bed with Frizzy. They shift in their sleep and he pulls out a gun from in between them. Like, an actual weapon not his weapon. SEE?
Sweeney: This penises-and-guns thing is definitely quite prevalent. Except mostly guns because they can show those on TVs. Guns and implied penises.
Lor: And cut to Inara sobbing in her room. Aw, shit. I almost made a comment about not knowing how much of the stupid picking at each other I could’ve endured had this series continued, but seeing her crying is rough.
Sweeney: SO ROUGH. But also, she’s still so gorgeous. She’s full-on sobbing, at “ugly cry” level emotion, but it’s still GORGEOUS CRY. I bet that’s a skill they teach you at Companion School. (S: +1)
Lor: Mal and Wash communicate over walkie talkies, revealing that part of their plan involves Wash flying the ship real close to the bad guys. After their conversation, Kaylee, who is walking with Wash, asks if Mal seemed a little funny at breakfast.
Heart of Gold. The girls are getting into position as Mal calls out a few last instructions. Jayne is still in bed, but he’s caught by his radio which is transmitting. Mal gets an earful, and Jayne scurries to take his place.
Petaline is still in labor. Inara is back at her side, telling her that she’s stronger than this moment in time. She needs to step aside and let it happen. I swear to God that if there is anyone around me saying bullshit like that in my delivery room, I will turn into the Hulk. “YOU STEP ASIDE AAAAARRRRRGH ROOOAR SCREAM.” I swear I’m a joy in real life.
Sweeney: BUT FOR REAL THOUGH. I get ragey when Jillian Michaels starts preaching to me during my work out. That reaction sounds perfectly legit.
Lor: Nandi comes in to check on Petaline. Simon says she’s 10 centimeters and should be giving birth in time for the big climax of the episode. Nandi and Inara exchange looks. It’s subtle but Nandi seems to read a whole book in Inara’s expression. She smiles sadly and puts a hand on her shoulder. She tells Inara that she thought it was just him who felt for her. Inara looks away and says she’ll be fine. Nandi leaves.
The Baby Daddy Brigade approaches the Heart of Gold.
Malcolm is loading his WEAPON! when Nandi finds him. He greets her and tells her he wants her on the balcony next to him. She interrupts to say that he didn’t give her the whole truth about “her” (Inara’s) feelings for him. Malcolm doesn’t understand, but this chat is interrupted by Jayne radioing Mal to say the Baby Daddy Brigade has arrived.
In battle positions, Mal communicates with Jayne and Zoe who confirm it’s 30 men and a mounted gun on the hovercraft. Mal tells the girl that the plan hasn’t changed. Nandi tells them that if anyone goes down, they are to drag their body to the back and then return to shooting. Nandi and Mal exchange smiles.
Serenity. Wash and Kaylee are just getting on board when Mal tells Wash he needs to hurry up. Wash is answering when Kaylee spots men up on the catwalk above them. She pushes Wash out of the way of their gunfire just in time. They really should think about locking Serenity when they leave her on lawless planets.
Rance looks like an idiot riding his hovercraft. The battle starts in full with the man on the back of the hovercraft opens fire on Heart of Gold. Jayne takes him out, but the gun fight continues with people going down on both sides. On Serenity, Wash and Kaylee are still being fired at. Heart of Gold, Rance is using his laser gun and it just isn’t fair. Petaline is still pushing that baby out. Book is using a hose to set the set the horses into a panic.
Sweeney: I love Book’s loopholes for being an accomplice to major violence.
Lor: Snitchy Prostitute lets Rance in through a back entrance.
Serenity. Wash creates a diversion and the henchmen follow him. He looks himself into a room and then Kaylee looks the other side of the hallway, so the bad guys are trapped. Except that Wash has locked himself in the engine room.
Petaline finally has a baby and it’s a boy. Rance enters the room with his laser gun. Nandi hears screaming coming from Petaline’s room and takes off running. Rance is leaving, baby in one hand and laser gun in the other. Nandi tells him he isn’t leaving with that baby, and Rance says it’s his blood. Inara sneaks up behind him with a knife and presses it against his throat, threatening to spill his actual blood. A girl grabs the baby away and leaves. Rance elbows Inara, knocking her back and giving him a chance to blast a big, fat laser hole into Nandi.
AW MAN. AND YOU STARTED THE DAY OFF SO WELL, NANDI. I guess it was all downhill.
Sweeney: There was no other way to go. I guess it’s also for the best that you didn’t keep calling her Julie Hooker. It would have made this awkward.
Lor: Too true. Just another name for the nickname graveyard.
Rance escapes just as Mal makes it to the hallway. He joins Inara by Nandi’s dead body and they share a moment. There is murder in both their eyes. Mal takes off.
Outside Heart of Gold, Mal dodges a bullet, kills a guy on horseback and then steals his ride. He goes after Rance. Thankfully, super laser guns run on a limited battery life, so even though Rance shoots at Mal a couple of times, his gun dies. Mal grabs him and pulls him off of the hovercraft. They tumble a bit before Mal picks him up by the collar, saying he’ll pay for what he did. Mal is pointing a gun in his face, but finally just flips the gun around and knocks him out with the butt of it.
Heart of Gold. The crew has rounded up the last of the surviving men. Mal brings a tied up Rance and plops him down, on his knees, in front of the women. He yells for Petaline to bring out his son. She does, and I appreciate that she still has a swollen belly. That shit takes some time to go away. Petaline introduces her son, Jonah to his daddy. And then shoots said daddy in the head. So probably no on the family dinners.
Petaline tells the other men to GTFO and tells Snitchy Prostitute to go with them.
Sweeney: This is all sort of random in the best way. Petaline was a sort of quivering character most of the episode, due to her legitimate terror. But then! She gave birth a few minutes ago and she’s already strutting around running shit. I’m not sure how much biological sense this all makes, but I like how BAMFy she is all the same.
Lor: We cut to still dead Nandi and then to her funeral where all the girls pay their respects as one of them sings Amazing Grace. At the end of that scene, we watch Serenity fly away.
Just outside her shuttle, Inara and Mal stand together. Mal thinks the girls will be alright. Inara agrees. Nandi taught them well. She says she’s glad Mal was with her on her final night, but he isn’t. He feels like he failed her. Inara says that isn’t the case, which he says is a kindness, but not likely to change his mind. Still, Inara is glad they shared a night. Mal asks if she wasn’t glad before and she looks away. Taking a couple of steps closer, he tells her he isn’t looking for anything from her, but is just feeling “truthsome” because life is too short of ifs and maybes. Inara doesn’t let him get to the confession part and says that she learned something from Nandi: when you live with a certain kind of strength, you get tied to it and can’t break away from it. They get closer and you’re thinking, “maybe?” but no. Because she’s going to do something she says she should’ve done long ago: leave. Her face crumples but we only see it for a second as she turns and walks away from Mal.
Sweeney: YOU’RE GOING TO WHAT NOW, GIRL?
Next time: It’s the final episode! A bounty hunter looking for River boards the ship in Firefly S01 E14 – Objects in Space.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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