Previously: Mars Investigations was going to rescue AARON SAMUELS from a cult, but then his parents abducted him instead.
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An Echolls Family Christmas
Sweeney: While this blog changes my opinions of everything and also I find it challenging to rank episodes because I love every episode in this season, I flailed a little when I first realized this one was mine and I’ve gotten pumped about it every time since. Fingers crossed that it’s as glorious as I remember.
We open on Veronica and Keith decorating the tree. Veronica laments that as an only child she knows all the scary handmade ornaments are hers. She singles out a popsicle stick reindeer as particularly concerning. My little brother made one just like that in preschool and we have made fun of it while decorating for the last five or six years. I’m pretty sure it’s completely fallen apart but my older brother still brings it up. “HEY, REMEMBER THAT SILENCE OF THE LAMBS LOOKING REINDEER?” Good times. It’s cute when Veronica puts it on her face, though. We learn that Keith has a religious devotion to baseball and being a Padres fan and the only thing he wants for Christmas is for Veronica to save her money.
Lorraine: My parents have never once asked me to save my money for Christmas. Just throwing that out there.
Democracy Diva: Samezies. Except, Hannukah.
Sweeney: Me neither. I guess our parents don’t love as much as Keith loves Veronica. At the movie’s Comic Con panel Enrico made a joke about watching his actual daughter watch the show and recognizing that she’ll never have a father as good as Keith Mars. Womp womp.
Elsewhere, a very drunk Duncan is singing while playing poker with Weevil, Logan, a very pretty man who is clearly not a high school student, and a douchey WASP kid we’ve yet to meet. Duncan knocks on the “ghetto brew” the Douchey WASP is drinking, which allows him to make a pointed remark to Weevil, so that we know he’s a Racist Douchey WASP. Also his name is Shaun and he’s in this episode a lot so I’m not about to stick with that long ass nickname. (D: BUT HE’S SUCH A DOUCHEY WASP. Just wanted to clarify how appropriate the nickname would have been.) Clearly Not A High School Student is an actor. They’re playing Texas Hold ‘Em and it’s down to Weevil and Logan. It looks like Weevil’s about to lose, but the fifth card is a two and Weevil wins with a pair of twos. The whole game, in fact, inviting Shaun to open up the money box so that Weevil can collect his five grand. Unfortunately, the box is now empty. Weevil is piiiiiiiissed. You don’t fuck around with the leader of the local biker gang, bros. Logan insists that everyone watched him put the money in the box. Weevil refuses to leave without the money.
Diva: I didn’t understand why any of these people were hanging out together. They address this later in the episode, but still, it’s like, I thought we just spent nine episodes clarifying the insane class warfare issues in this town, and now we’re all drinking and playing poker together like buddies? #nope
Sweeney: Cut to a bit later when everyone who didn’t just get cheated out of five grand is standing around in their boxers. Duncan and Logan are adorably wearing matching boxers. Precious BFF Bromance is Precious. (D: I hate them both and I still thought this was presh.) Weevil steals something expensive from a shelf and tells them that he’ll be collecting a grand from each of them one way or another. Shaun laments that this is the worst game of strip poker ever.
Diva: I’ve seen worse.
Sweeney: COME ON NOW, SUGAR!
After the credits, Veronica is looking at a baseball catalog for a fan training camp with the Padres. Perfect Papa Mars present, but it costs $3,000, which is too rich for Veronica’s non-09er blood.
Lor: ME TOO. And I’d love it to be a magical Tree of Inherited Wealth, but I’m also convinced that most all the bosses of the world SUCK and people are throwing money at them to be horrible bosses when I would certainly be the best boss of all time. Seriously.
Diva: I would NOT be the best rich person. I mean, I’d give to charity and stuff, but I’d also be able to rationalize purchasing every Burberry coat Emma Watson has ever worn. Frivolous and sensible < ALL OF THE COATS.
Sweeney: This conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the wealthy. And angry. Duncan storms past them, demanding his laptop from Weevil. He’s furious because he didn’t steal Weevil’s money. PCHers hold Duncan up against the locker, but Weevil tells them to let him go and the walk off. Veronica asks about what happened and Duncan explains. “You lie down with dogs, you’re gonna get fleas.” Duncan says he didn’t invite Weevil, but that’s not who Veronica was talking about. She heads off, but Duncan follows, explaining that this kind of concerns her, since he’s been keeping a journal on that laptop for the last few years and there was a period when she was “kind of a feature.” And not one with a cleverly disguised psuedonym. He should have emailed us for suggestions! VVO tells us that this is, in fact, important to her because high school relationships contain private and potentially mortifying secrets. Especially while you’re still in high school. And when you’re maybe siblings.
Lor: I like that she pretends she needs a reason to get involved in this situation. I’m pretty sure she was in when someone mentioned something was missing.
Sweeney: True. There was a mystery afoot! Pretty much all the motivation she needs.
Veronica finds Weevil in the Beanbag Poetry Classroom. (D: What is this school’s deal? Why are there so many dark, cushioned classrooms in which students can freely canoodle and gamble?) She tells Weevil to give Duncan the laptop back and let her handle it so he doesn’t get caught stealing 09er property. He’s got no need for her help, though. He does offer that if he gets his five grand, they’ll stop “losing” their stuff. Veronica wants to know why he was even there. Weevil says that he heard about a five thousand dollar card game played by idiots and he was interested.
Diva: But how did he hear about it? From all the friends they have in common? And did he just show up unexpected, and the boys happily let him play with them? I call bullshit on all of this.
Sweeney: Because of reasons.
We flashback a few days (but with the same blue filter for Lillybacks! Oh the confusion!) (D: Diva Snow was SO confused as to when this flashback happened) to Weevil asking Logan to buy in and Logan making a few racist comments before relenting. And then making another racist comment. Back in the Bean Bag Classroom, Weevil says he doesn’t know who did it, but he knows nobody left the house with that money, and Logan had opportunity to hide it. We revisit the game, and everyone’s bantering until they spot a hot girl by the pool in a bikini. Everyone but Logan goes to the window, because it’s Logan’s mom. Weevil turns back and sees Logan brooding at the table about the awkward factor of having everyone oggle his mother.
Mars Investigations. Hot Mother LISA RINNA pops by because she’s a little freaked out. (D: Also, she’s wearing four strands of pearls in the middle of the day. That’s how you know she be rich.) In the middle of all the fan mail, she’s started getting some really disturbing ones. She presents one that reads “CHEATER, CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER, HAD A WIFE AND COULDN’T KEEP HER.” (L: That nursery rhyme is hella creepy without the inclusion of “cheater.”) Keith asks if he can come by that afternoon to see the threatening letters and Lisa Rinna says that would be perfect. There’s some stilted awkwardness from how they used to be friends a long time ago, but she’s mostly lovely and polite. She adds that discretion is paramount.
Diva: Did Keith and Lisa Rinna used to bone? There was a whole lot of awkward in this scene if they didn’t. I’m not sure if that was just Lisa Rinna trying to express emotion or if this scene was intended to be that weird.
Sweeney: I think it’s her attempt at acting, mostly. Also, the “our kids used to hang out and so we probably did too until I was part of the angry hoard that got you fired” factor. But mostly Lisa Rinna’s efforts to act.
Journalism Room. Veronica tells Duncan that she might be able to get his laptop back, and he laughs about this being a case, but does a double take when he realizes that she’s serious about making a case out of this. She asks if he was surprised to find Weevil there, which, duh. In the Poker-back we see Duncan arrive, be confused by Weevil’s presence in Logan’s pool house, before Logan whispers that there’s no way in hell he’s letting Weevil walk out of there with their money. Veronica asks if Duncan thinks Logan invited Weevil there to steal his money and Duncan says he probably didn’t invite Weevil for that purpose, but then declines to elaborate.
At lunch, Logan makes more racist jokes about the fabergé egg that Weevil stole from him. Duncan storms off because he’s sick of his shit. Logan follows in order to reconcile the bromance. Duncan asks if Logan stole the money and adds that Logan has gradually become a gigantic asshole so slowly that Duncan didn’t notice until one day he woke up and went, “Wow, I’m in a brolationship with an entitled, racist jackass.” Duncan’s over it and he storms off again, unchased.
Echolls Mansion of Child Abuse & Excessively Conspicuous Consumption. (D: Accurate.) Lisa Rinna and some staff are decorating for a holiday party and Keith says that he’s pretty sure the crazy stalker has sent a dozen other letters. He thinks she should probably be more concerned about all the strangers wandering around her home, but Lisa Rinna says she knows who the dozens of people are – “They’re the help!” Obvi. Shitbag Echolls walks in and says he’s sorry Lisa Rinna got him over there about that letter because creepy fanmail is totally normal for action stars. As he opens his front door to shoo Keith out, he finds a pumpkin with his face expertly carved into it and a butcher knife in the forehead with fake (I HOPE) blood. “Normal?” asks Keith.
Diva: I thought this was an actual statue of Shitbag’s face inside a pumpkin. Like, the Echolls house featured a giant statue of Shitbag on the lawn, and Crazy Stalker Lady decapitated it and shoved its head in a pumpkin. Apparently, this was not the case.
Sweeney: After a Not Break, Papa Mars is back at work, trying to find a place that does pumpkin carving and everybody’s all, “Bro, it’s not that time of year.” Veronica comes into the office and Keith hands her some papers that he needs Lisa Rinna to sign, giving Veronica a convenient excuse to drop by and do some Texas Hold ‘Em investigating.
Child Abuse Mansion. Veronica invites herself into the pool house where Logan is playing video games. Logan jokes that it’s a good thing he didn’t leave his slam book lying around. He sighs a big sigh at once again being suspected of something by Veronica, but then suggests that she go talk to Connor, the Totally Not A Teenager actor hanging out with them. Veronica gets excited, asking if he’s doing another movie with Shitbag Echolls. Logan says it’s more a fifty million dollar crap pile than a movie, and also that Connor has a big of a drug problem. In the Poker-back we see Connor tell a story about kid!Logan was in love with Rosie Perez, so Shitbag Echolls had her come to his birthday party, only to receive a purse from her. We also see that Connor excuses himself to the bathroom each time his phone goes off.
Diva: His phone plays a Nokia ringtone that virtually everyone had in 2004 and it gave me very confusing technology deja-vu.
Sweeney: Veronica isn’t sure she has the option to pal around with movie stars, but Logan calls and gets her a drive-on. He claims it’s because he wants to inflict her nosiness on Connor, but I’m erring on the side of it being on account of all his broody feelings about his lost friendship.
Lor: Aw. I like that thought. Video games aren’t the same alone.
Sweeney: On set, VVO gives a couple “DAMN” comments at Connor’s shiny abs. He’s worried that all the baby oil looks gross, and Veronica assures him that’s not the case. She gets right into questions about the poker game, to which Connor offers a sarcastic, “That was fun.” He feels bad for Weevil because he was “real” which I think is code for “poor.” Connor says that anybody could have taken the money. It also occurs to me now that I have no idea how Weevil intends to steal something from Connor. Anyway, Connor offers that somebody left the room with cash.
Pokerback. Duncan and Logan are paying for pizza. Or, rather, Duncan is struggling to get his wallet out because he’s so drunk. Duncan also grumbles that Shaun’s a preppy asshole, what with getting dropped off in towncars but refusing to chip in for beer or pizza. Drunk Duncan also yells at Logan for tipping somewhere in the neighborhood of 4%. Weevil throws in a little more money during this argument.
Back on set, Connor sips some tea and says anybody could have gotten their hands on the box at some point during the evening. His phone goes off again and he excuses himself. Veronica calls Wallace asking if he can check Shaun Friedrich’s file and get his home address.
Diva: I love Veronica, but I look forward to the day that Wallace says to her, “Fuck off. This shit will get me fired.” (If it happens. Which it should.)
Sweeney: More like suspended/expelled, but yeah.
Child Abuse Mansion. Keith swings by their home tennis court and tries to talk to Shitbag Echolls privately, but he insists that the trainer is fine. Keith wants to know if there might be a potential spurned lover from last Halloween. Shitbag insists that he’s faithful to his wife and is very terse with Keith, implicitly telling him to GTFO.
Veronica knocks on Shaun’s door. A man in a suit answers and says that Shaun isn’t home and isn’t allowed to receive visitors at home. A female voice calls out, “Mr. Friedrich” and he excuses himself, shutting the door in Veronica’s face.
Keith is speaking with the woman who catered the Casablancas Halloween Party that Shitbag Echolls and Lisa Rinna were at last year. She’s also catering the Echolls Christmas Party, and is reluctant to talk until Keith says he heard that she, “had the bad taste to fire somebody that night.” Catering Lady says she didn’t have a choice because one of the servers snuck upstairs to find a bathroom and Aaron Echolls insisted that she be fired. Apparently the server saw him sleeping with someone else’s wife. Getting her fired is kind of stupid – isn’t that more likely to make her talk?
Lor: Talk, start a blog, sell my story now that I was without a job and super “real.” Yep.
Diva: Shitbag should know better. He’s basically a professional douche, he’s clearly got a habit of being unfaithful, and he’s rich as fuck. He should have paid the server off.
Sweeney: Right? That’s just lazy.
Neptune High School for Class Warfare. (D: Except when we play friendly games together. But even then, we’re still racist.) Veronica walks up to Shaun as he’s getting out of that town car, being handed his books by the driver. Shaun whines that his Rolex has now been stolen. He tells Veronica that it isn’t retribution but thievery and Shaun isn’t so sure that Weevil didn’t, in fact, start this. We get a quick pokerback of the guys stripping, which is nice but also not actually relevant to Shaun’s point. He just wanted to share, I guess. Thanks! Shaun tells Veronica that Weevil wasn’t doing so well right before they took a break to ogle Lisa Rinna and maybe that’s why he did it. Veronica says Shaun was doing poorly too, but he says that the difference is that he doesn’t need the money.
Diva: So, every single person at the poker game has just blamed someone else at the poker game and it took us most of the episode to work our way through that incredibly dull circle of entitled douchery. I have only one reaction:
Sweeney: Mars Investigations. Keith called Shitbag down to the office to confront him about lying about the infidelity. Shitbag insists that he loves Lisa Rinna and Keith says that he was only hired to protect Shitbag, not to find out if he was cheating. Since Keith is going to keep the secret, Shitbag agrees to circle the name of who he slept with on the Casablanacas guest list. He starts circling a bunch of names and Keith clarifies that he’s only trying to find out who Shitbag slept with that night. It’s really awkward for Shitbag. We flashback to him getting it on with his agent’s wife when the poor fired server walks in. Keith hands Shitbag some photos and he thankfully finds one with all three names he circled. Keith says it’s not such a great idea to have them at their Christmas party, but Shitbag insists that they’re just needy. Because he’s a shitbag.
Keith chats with Agent’s Wife. She’s sassy and shallow. (L: She’s also Emmanuelle Vaugier who’s been in a ton of shit, but I mostly associate with Smallville.) She says that none of this is surprising because Shitbag is total psycho-bait. She’s getting a dress fitted and is primarily interested in slutting it up. Her husband walks in and she makes a comment on how Shitbag was a game-changing client for him so he adds that before him she sat in her underwear at The Standard.
Neptune High School. Wallace asks Veronica how the case is going, getting in his second required Title Credits scene for the episode. She says she’s solved the case and figured out how to pay for that awesome baseball camp.
She rounds up the high school attending members of poker club and tells them that she knows who stole the money but she’s only going to tell them if Logan hosts another game, wherein they all buy her in at the seat of the thief as compensation for her sleuthy services. Weevil agrees to return all the stolen shit and Veronica adds that the only person who wouldn’t think this is a good idea is the thief. Also probably Connor, who must have better shit to do then hang out with weird high school kids. (L: YOU WOULD THINK.) (D: He’s got to pay for all that baby oil somehow. Oh, but maybe that’s what the millions of dollars they pay him for the movies is for. Whatever.) Logan asks if she even knows how to play poker. She dumb blondes, “No, but it must be really hard if all you guys play,” staring them down one by one before smirking and walking off.
Infidelity, Child Abuse, and Murder Threats, Oh My! Christmas Party. People are having a grand time in the house. Veronica arrives at the pool house last. The first order of business is to snag Duncan’s bottle of Jack to take a good long swig (and brush her teeth). The boys are impressed but Veronica reveals that it’s just iced tea. (“How very musical theater of you!” He faked drunk so that he could belt out a song or two in peace. Precious.) Veronica says that Duncan can’t remember the alphabet when he drinks, let alone work out 20% tip – he was faking drunk to win the game. Connor, meanwhile, was running to the bathroom because the Sun Tea he’s drinking is a diuretic to get him in shape for a Vanity Fair cover. (D: A really weirdly specific and strange thing for us to accept without question, but whatever.) As for Logan, while he “looks like an evil-doer, smells like an evil-doer,” but is surprisingly not one. She says she saw how torn apart the room was by Weevil, and she’s sure there’s no way Logan could have hidden it deeper than that. I’m not sure this logic entirely holds, but sure, whatever.
Lor: That’s what I thought at first, but on rewind, she’s saying that the room was torn apart by Logan and he wouldn’t tear the room apart looking for the money if he’d been the one to hide it.
Sweeney: OOOOOOOHHH. Shit. I have seen this episode so many times and this has always perplexed me. Mind blown. I GET IT NOW.
The point is that Shaun did it. His “ghetto brew” is Big Mouth Joes, which he brought because he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave with the wad of cash, so he waited for it go out with the recycling.
This is a really stupid plan. We’re talking about fifty bills rolled up, so it’s not like it would be tiny. It seems like a major gamble to assume that nobody would notice it.
Diva: It seems like an even bigger gamble that Logan would take the bottles out for recycling immediately. And put them in the right bin. (Then again, he probably has servants for that.)
Sweeney: He definitely does. Veronica’s explanation is accompanied by footage of the help doing it. My bigger concern would be the housekeeper being the one to spot it.
Regardless, it worked and he was able to rummage through the trash to find it the next day. Logan says that Shaun is way too rich for that. Veronica reveals that she went to Shaun’s house and saw his dad at home at 3pm in a suit. “I have to admit, I was a bit miffed. I was *this close* to being able to say, ‘The butler did it!’ but no, it was the butler’s son.” Shaun says it proves nothing, but Veronica says it at least proves that he’s a liar. Plus, she ran a background check, revealing that he’s got a problem with being really bad a shoplifting. That’s convenient for Veronica. Not so much for Shaun.
Diva: I did not understand what happened here. Shaun is the butler’s son? He’s not actually rich? He’s just pretending to be, and that’s why he can’t have visitors there, because he actually works there? Or his dad does? And he gets dropped off in a limo because… his dad drives it? And can use it to take him to school? I HAVE TOO MANY QUESTIONS.
Sweeney: Yes to most of those questions – it’s his dad who works there. Maybe him too – that thought never occurred to me. I doubt it, though. He lives in the 90909 and has his dad drop him off in that fancy town car in order to keep up the appearance of being wealthy in order to make life easier at Neptune High School for Class Warfare. Regardless, you really do get it. 😉
Weevil takes Shaun outside and Veronica sits down, asking to deal first. She does some fancy tricks with the cards, sufficiently scaring the boys into taking her seriously.
Infidelity, Child Abuse, and Murder Threats, Oh My! Christmas Party. Lisa Rinna announces that she’s got a big surprise coming up. Shitbag is making eyes at a blonde who is sucking olives.
Diva: She is straight up mouth-fucking those olives. I can’t even believe they were allowed to show that on TV.
Sweeney: Mars Investigations. Keith calls the caterer to ask what the fired girl did and, of course, she was the one who carved the pumpkins. Why didn’t that question come up sooner?
Poker Pool House. Veronica’s cleaning up and Connor jokes that she must be really unlucky in love. Veronica gets a good chuckle out of that. Because possible incest! Logan decides it’s time to take a quick break to go out to the party.
Weevil and Veronica get food and he jokes that he doesn’t fit in at all. She says they both stand out, but Veronica excuses herself, leaving Weevil standing there holding two plates. Elsewhere, Logan and Duncan stand in front of some very pretty twinkly lights while awkwardly having their bro-union.
Veronica excused herself, it seems, to corner Jake Kane. She asks if his head of security makes a habit of targeting high school girls or if she’s just special. (D: I may or may not have gasped.) Jake seems confused, so Veronica explains the bullseye photos of her that her mom received from Clarence Wiedman. Veronica demands to know why any of this happened, and Jake Kane shouts that he has no idea. Veronica doesn’t believe him.
Outside, Keith is being denied entry to the party, so he sneaks around back, catching a glimpse of Veronica and Jake Kane alone in a room together and Jake Kane storming out.
Inside the party, Veronica watches as Jake confronts Celeste, demanding to know what she did. He tells her to get her coat because they’re leaving. Duncan sees this too and is understandably concerned.
Lor: Jake asks her over and over, “WHAT DID YOU DO?” It’s really uncomfortable to watch.
Sweeney: Surprise time! The servers all start ringing bells as Lisa Rinna tells all the guests to follow them outside. The surprise is snow machines, because rich people can have whatever weather they want to have. She practically has to drag Shitbag away from his agent’s wife. She’s interrupted by the pumpkin carver, who threatens him of loving-and-leaving her, but Shitbag doesn’t even know her. Before he can say anything more, she stabs him in the gut. It’s gratifying. Keith appears and tackles her before she can do it again.
Diva: You guys. SHE FUCKING STABBED HIM. I think you were supposed to see it coming, or at least notice the seeds they planted re: carvings and knives and shit, but NOPE WASN’T READY.
Sweeney: Oh that shit caught me way off guard the first time I saw it too. It’s totally shocking because you are fully expecting Keith to save the day.
Carollers are still singing outside as we get a bunch of shots of the blood, Logan, and everyone else reacting. Lisa Rinna calls out for an ambulance. We get a shot outside of the house, panned far enough out to see the snow machines as Veronica Voice Overs: “What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was, and always will be about the trappings. The lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Clause.” You know, because things were getting just a little too happy for our girl.
End credits.
There are quite a few plot holes in this episode, but I’m still a huge fan of it. I loved the tandem investigations that Keith and Veronica were doing and I especially enjoyed getting to see some more actual friend dynamics at play. The show relies pretty heavily on this mystery-of-the-week format and that requires really high drama and high stakes. Much like the episode with all the homecoming Lillybacks, these episodes in which we actually get to see these high school kids hanging out are always a lot of fun.
Diva: I was way more interested in what was going down at the Echolls party than at the poker game. I kind of didn’t buy the whole poker storyline because of the aforementioned plot holes. But even after the show raised the stakes with the “potential Veronica sexy secrets on Duncan’s laptop” business, I got bored with the duck-duck-goose blame game that went around that whole group of complete douches. And I didn’t even understand what the conclusion of that storyline was without a little help from my fellow Snark Ladies. All the Echolls family business was about a zillion times more fascinating and high-stakes than the poker crap. If this episode had been all about the stalking and the Christmas party, it would have been a stellar episode for me.
Sweeney: SO IT GOES. It’ll be fun when it comes to the rankings, then. This isn’t my #1 or anything, but it’ll be a higher up one for me and clearly not so much for you. Season rankings are more fun when there are discrepancies like that.
Next time: Veronica does a little digging for Mac. Find out what she finds on Veronica Mars S01 E11 – Silence of the Lamb.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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