Orphan Black S02 E03 – Unwanted House Guests

Previously: Mrs. S killed people so Sarah and Kira could flee, Alison confirms that Donnie is her real monitor, Cosima navigates life in the belly of the beast, and everybody did a lot of drinking.

Mingling Its Own Nature With It

Sweeney: Sarah wakes up in the stolen pickup truck out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a really pretty shot, but Felix isn’t finding this camping thing all that pretty.  Sarah’s wearing leather pants which seem like a really bad choice for life on the run. ETERNAL SWAMP ASS. (L: Plus, it clearly outs her as a BAD GIRL.) Sarah catches Felix up on what happened with Mrs. S and The Birdwatchers, (Sounds like a band name!) adding that it seemed like this wasn’t Mrs. S’s first murder. Felix decides he’s really had his fill of camping when he steps in a pile of shit and Sarah laughs. Don’t laugh girl, you’re going to have to ride in a car with that. (L: Plus, those with eternal swamp ass can’t be judgers.) Felix decides that they 100% need to get to civilization now.

Birdwatchers’ Nest. Daniel (Rachel’s murdery bodyguard) arrives and tries to piece together what happened there. The corpses are still there, including the lady with her hands knifed to the table. While he’s creepering about he finds one of the little photos taken to make new passports. Pastor Broody Cowboy and his Smarmy Hipster Cowboy companion arrive on the scene as well and Daniel hides. The cowboys are bummed that they’re not collecting Kira after all, but quickly decide to torch the place. Daniel watches from outside the house and looks at his newly acquired Kira photo.


Sarah, Felix, and Kira arrive at small town general store. A dubious qualifier for “civilization,” which Felix bitterly laments as he tells Kira that Sarah threw away his credit card. No shit, Felix. Get it together. Even Kira knows that they’re in hiding, which gives Sarah sad feels about her ability to protect her daughter. Sad feels should be had: Kira goes inside and openly tries to steal a bag of candy. The shop owner stops her and Sarah comes in, apologizes, and pays for it. All of this was just a distraction so that Felix could could make off with a lot more food.

Art’s Apartment. Angie’s there waiting for him. (I called her Angie instead of Deagngelis mostly so that I could roll with that alliteration.) (L: Respect.) She’s there to tempt him out of security by telling him that she’s got security footage of someone wheeling Helena out of the hospital, though she’s got no ID yet. Art yells at her to back off the case, but Angie’s not having that. She says he’s letting both her and Beth down right now.

Bad Parent Road Trip. Felix whines to Kira about how poorly groomed he is right now. Sarah pulls off the license plate and then explains to Kira that the stealing was an only-because-when-they-have-to thing. She sends Kira to get her stuff from the truck before explaining to Felix that she knows this area and that she’s sure they can find an empty vacation cabin to break into for that night.

Alison’s Abode. Donnie’s sleeping on the couch and Alison passive aggressively wakes him up by vacuuming right by him. Donnie says that he’s not at work because his boss away. Alison’s not particularly pleased by this. Donnie tries to explain the cemetery incident away as him just being worried about her being wound up. He tries to switch tactics, going for sexytimes, but Alison says she just showered and resumes vacuuming.

As promised, Sarah, Felix, and Kira happen upon a cabin to break into. Felix speculates that it’s a bachelor pad of some sort. Sarah sits back with a, “Sarah’s got another secret,” face.

Lorraine: Sarah’s got a bachelor pad in the woods? I guess if she shared that secret she’d have unwanted house guests all the time.

Sweeney: Legit. It’s good thinking on her part.

Dyad. Leekie’s away, so Delphine is using his office. Cosima wants to mess with him and we get more of Tatiana’s brilliance as Cosima does a pretty stellar Dr. Leekie impersonation.

Lor: Even the way she’s moving her mouth to produce that affected accent is funny. I love Cosima.

Sweeney: Delphine is anxious because they’re actually there because Delphine has something to show Cosima. It’s a video of another clone: Jennifer. It’s the first in a series of video journals she made because of some unidentified polyps on her lungs. There are hours of these tapes. Jennifer was the first to show symptoms of this disease. Unfortunately, she died three days ago. That’s not a very great sign for Cosima. GET BACK TO SCIENCING COSIMA! FIND YOUR CURE.

Lor: We can’t lose this actress!!! #clonejokes

Sweeney: This is one of two moments that I’d like to bring up in reference to Rachel’s interest in having Cosima study Sarah as being potentially about something other than having baby fever. Something bigger happens in the next episode that I think is a bigger THAT’S WHAT IT’S ABOUT, but this moment makes me suspect that Rachel might also be sick. (L: Aaah, I think I see where you’re headed.)

Sarah’s Got A Secret Bachelor Pad. Kira and Sarah have some precious mother-daughter time, discussing Mrs. S and her probable trustworthiness and how Sarah is totes going to protect her daughter now. This means she’s probably about to fail to do that.

Speaking of, some cops are finding that abandoned truck right about now.

Proletheans Heart Science Ranch. Smarmy Hipster Cowboy is with Pastor Broody Cowboy’s daughter Gracie, looking in on Helena as she sleeps. It’s creeptacular. Smarmy Hipster Cowboy thinks Helena’s an amazing magical gift, but Gracie’s with the rest of the Proletheans in thinking that Helena’s a mutant freak who shouldn’t exist. Unfortunately, Gracie still has to bring Helena her food. Alone. That’s a terrifying chore. Helena asks Grace why she’s there, especially since she already has a family. (SEESTRA!) Grace rudely tells her that she’s barely even human. Shit, Grace. Manners. Learn about them. Gracie also informs Helena that Tomas is gone, to which Helena spits out a, “Good riddance.” Gracie hurries off.

Lor: And Helena eats her drumstick like a murderer.

Sarah’s Got A Secret Bachelor Pad. Felix wakes Sarah up because he hears that someone is there and the place is not quite abandoned. Sarah’s a little slow getting up and said resident attacks Felix and Sarah turns the light on to reveal that it’s none other than NEW DAARIO. NEW DAARIO IS ON ORPHAN BLACK. So amazing.

Lor: I failed to make this connection when I first watched this episode sometime last week. But then, I saw Mockingbird, in which we got to see New Daario’s butt, and I feel better acquainted with all of him. So while I was looking for gifs, I had that great, “THIS IS NEW DAARIO!” moment.

Sweeney: Orphan Black is quite likely to show us his butt again eventually. Orphan Black likes butt shots.

His Orphan Black name is Cal, and Sarah knows him, which comes as shock to Felix. Cal wants to know that the fuck Sarah’s doing in his house. She says they were in a bind and broke in – even though the last time he saw her she took ten grand and his car. Cal kicks them out (with good reason) as Felix does a general, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” routine. During this crazy, Kira pops in to ask her mommy what’s going on. Cal walks in to discover not only intruders but also…A CHILD. THIS IS KIRA’S FATHER. SHIT. Sarah.

After a Not Break, the sun is starting to rise and Sarah and Cal are outside arguing. Cal suspects (reasonably so) that this is all just a scam. Sarah swears that it’s not, that the timing just happens to add up. Sarah swears she only came for a place to sleep not a father figure. She promises she’s leaving and while Cal is mad, he says that they can spend another night because he doesn’t want to kick this little girl on the street. You know, as long as Sarah promises not to steal anything.

Alison’s Play Practice. She’s singing about blood splatter and it’s amazing. Being in musicals that are relevant to your life problems is even better than when high school reading assignments are relevant to your life problems! Alison’s singing a bit off key and the director calls cut, telling Alison to “save that beautiful instrument for the audience.

Outside, Alison’s putting her stuff in her trunk when Angie awkwardly appears, wearing a track suit and looking so awkward and silly in it, asking to borrow Alison’s phone because she’s locked out of her car. Alison can tell something shady is going on here and quickly leaves, ditching further pleasantries.

You ARE The Father Cabin. (L: A+) Sarah is struggling to figure out how to have this conversation with her daughter. She begins to cry as she confesses that when she was Kira’s age, not having parents made her very angry and confused. That was her hardcore childhood trauma. She doesn’t want that for Kira and she brought her here so that she can know that there’s another part of her. Kira asks if Sarah likes Cal to which she says that a long time ago she liked him very much. Kira likes his beard. I like when he was naked on this week’s Game of Thrones.

Out in Cal’s shed, Felix and Cal have a chat. Felix says he’s intimately acquainted with Sarah’s bullshit, but he’s worried about Kira. He wants to know what Cal does that could have caused Sarah to come back. He did something scientific, but he mostly got robbed on that front. He also already got robbed by Sarah.

Dyad. Cosima is watching the Sick Clone Diaries. Jennifer’s boyfriend Greg appears in a video as we see her get sicker and sicker. Cosima realizes that Greg was her monitor and it unsettles her. “Sometimes I forget that you’re mine,” she says to Delphine, who says that this is a good thing before realizing how totally fucked up the whole thing is. They have an awkward moment. Delphine swears that what Jennifer didn’t know about clone-status didn’t get in the way of efforts to get her healthy, and implies that Cosima might not be able to handle all this truth. Cosima tells her not to be a bitch and Delphine smiles. The video continues.

That’s got to be some next level trauma to not only know you’re dying of a disease, but to legit watch your clone die of the thing you have. This is her. It isn’t, but is and Cosima is watching someone who looks all too much like herself die on camera. That’s a level of heaviness and feels that I can’t even process.

Lor: It was intense. And I don’t like Delphine’s weird pushiness about this.

Sweeney: Agreed. Back the fuck off, girl. There’s legit no way you can possibly know what she’s going through right now.

You ARE The Father Cabin. Felix confronts Sarah, telling her that she clearly brought them there on purpose so that Kira could meet her father. Felix is hella pissed that Sarah pretended not to know who Kira’s father was all along. Sarah says that the theft situation yesterday really hit home with her and helped her decide that it was time for Kira to meet her father. Subtext there is, “if for no other reason than that he has to have his shit a little more together than I do right now.” Sarah swears that Cal is resourceful and that Kira deserves this. Felix is visibly choked up but he agrees. He says he’s got other drama in his life, like how Alison clearly needs him right now. He tears up as he says that there’s just no place for him there and there’s nothing more to say than goodbye to Kira. Sarah can’t argue with that. Again, rough.

Dyad. The realness increases for Cosima as she and Delphine view Jennifer’s corpse. SHIT. I can’t even process this. Cosima struggles to process too. She swears that she’s fine to help inspect this cut open version of her own body, though her disease keeps flaring up, causing coughing fits. Cosima takes this whole thing like a fucking champ though. I couldn’t even handle looking at this corpse, period, let alone, with the added CLONE WITH CLONE DISEASE THAT I HAVE factor. Delphine shows Cosima that there are growths on the uterine wall and that might be the root of this issue and also related to clone infertility. Cosima’s green clone phone rings. She lies that it’s her mom. It’s Alison, telling Cosima it’s a red alert because she’s just been approached by another monitor which means that Cosima certainly can’t trust Delphine. They bicker about whose shit is more complicated right now and Cosima is a big enough person not to completely laugh in Alison’s, “My play opens tomorrow,” face. I’m impressed. Cosima steps off to the side and tells Alison to just go through the motions with Donnie. Alison pops a few more pills and hangs up before chasing that with some booze. Calm down, girl. Calm. Down.

We get a shot of Felix hitchhiking. Sadz.

Scarborough. Alison’s on her way to rehearsal when Angie flags her down, still playing the soccer mom routine. Alison tells her to cut the crap because she knows what she is. Angie caves and says that yes, fine, she’s a cop like Beth, but that also means that she can help Alison if she tells her what she knows – like about Sarah Manning. Alisons thinks for a second, but tells Angie to stay away from her before heading into rehearsal.

Lor: Angie was just not very good at that undercover thing.

Sweeney: I thought it was sort of fitting and appropriate, though, that she was so bad at the suburban housewife routine. I found that endearing somehow.

You ARE The Father Cabin. Cal is drinking and Sarah comes down to say that Kira wanted her to say goodnight. Cal grabs her a beer and confesses that when Sarah left it took him a while to accept that he had been played. Sarah says that she actually had all his bank codes and passwords but decided he was just too nice a guy to 100% rob. Um, no, Sarah, you don’t get bonus points for only partially robbing someone. She promises that she’s not that person any more, but just as much trouble. With that, Cal tells her to get down because a local cop is arriving. They have an awkward conversation in which said local cop knows something is up – he’s investigating the shoplifting and stolen truck – but Cal won’t cop to anything and local cop let’s it all go when Cal promises he’d tell him if he thought there was anything he should know.

Cal comes back inside. Sarah’s already packing, saying she shouldn’t have put him in that position. Cal tells her to slow her roll a bit, and tries to get her to tell him what’s going on or at least trust him. Aaaaand this guy gets two kick ass ladies in one week as this TRUST ME PLZ conversation quickly turns into sexytimes. Life on the run / in deliberate seclusion apparently makes people horny. I feel like knowing that I accidentally produced a child would make me the opposite of horny. It would make me fear ever having sex again. “FUCK. WE’RE GONNA MAKE CHILDREN? I CAN’T TAKE CARE OF ME, LET ALONE TINY HUMANS.” Regardless, Orphan Black also gives us a bit of a fade to black. They gave us the full dubious consent sex scene with Paul, but not this. Boo.

Lor: Is all of television coming together to tempt us with Michiel Huisman nudity, only to cut away? Shit.

Sweeney: CLEARLY.

Alison’s play. Everyone’s getting ready. The whole cast does a bit of circle time in Ainsley’s memory. This is intercut with shots of Alison doing a lot of pill popping and drinking. Go easy on the Idea Juice, Alison.

Lor: One of the shots shows a little placecard for Alison’s wardrobe has Aynsley’s name crossed off. I giggled so much. Props to the prop people.

Sweeney: We cut to mid-way through the show. In a scene with Alison and Sarah, Alison is forgetting her lines. The song begins and she sings about asking for forgiveness. Then she one-ups Gretchen Weiners with her, “where is the edge of the stage,” faux pas when she walks right off the edge. Everyone calls for medical help.

You ARE The Father Cabin. The next morning, Sarah’s getting dressed. Cal deduces that Sarah’s trying to keep from confusing Kira.

The Family The Shoplifts Together Stays Together General Store. Daniel shows the shop owner the picture of Kira, asking if he’s seen her. The shop owner confirms, adding he shoplifting bit. Daniel asks if the owner knows where they might be headed.

Meanwhile, Art is also detecting the shit out of things. He’s found his way to the Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. He takes some recon photos.

On the ranch, Pastor Broody Cowboy has a heart-to-heart with his daughter about Helena. He says he can tell that she has fears and doubts, but assures her that this is all just part of God’s plan or some such shit. “Helena does have a soul, she does have a purpose, and she is going to be a part of our family now. That’s what tomorrow’s all about.” He kisses her head and leaves. Gracie’s not pleased.

Local cop pulls over Daniel to ask if he’s the detective poking around his town, adding that if the folks Daniel is after were in town, they’d be in custody. Daniel says he’ll be on his way.

You ARE The Father Cabin. The new little family unit is playing cards. Kira begs to go out on and feed the chickens again. Cal jokes that those will be some fat chickens and tries to get Sarah to tell him what’s going on, but she says she won’t put that shit on him. This is interrupted by Kira screaming out for her mother.

Sarah goes outside to find that Daniel has Kira and a gun. Daniel promises that Kira will be fine if Sarah just gets in the car, though he’s pointing the gun at Cal. Sarah tells him to get inside and manages to swap herself for Kira. Cal gets Kira inside as instructed. Cal’s cop friend arrives on the scene is almost immediately shot by Daniel. Fuck. He manages to call for backup before he dies. We really do need an award for Traumaland’s few actual police officers. A little, “Hey, you do your dangerous job real good-like” thing. (L: I wonder how many of the nominees wind up dead.) (S: Probably a lot.) Daniel pats Sarah down, finding her PROJECT LEDA photo, and tells her to get in his car.

Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. Helena half wakes, but she seems a bit drugged up. She’s dressed in white. Everyone at the ranch, it seems, is gathered there, also dressed in white. Pastor Broody Cowboy enters, dressed in black. He tells the room about how they broke away from the old world because although Helena was created by man not in God’s name, God shone his light on her anyway. He holds Helena up and she’s 100% drugged out of her mind. His wife wraps a black ribbon thing around his hand and Helena’s, saying that they are bound together by God. Pastor Broody Cowboy asks for God’s blessing, adding that they are his instruments in the war for creation. They get an amen before we cut to some really shaky shots of him carrying Helena down the hall.

Fun fact: in addition to sex, people who are drugged out of their minds also can’t consent to marriage.

I think this might be the grossest thing we’ve seen on this show. I don’t like the show any less for it because the show isn’t trying to pretend this isn’t gross, but I just want to echo my dream from earlier this week that one day…ONE DAY…we might have a whole week in Traumaland where nothing rapey happens. HOW THE FUCK DO WE KEEP CHOOSING THIS MATERIAL? FRIENDS, DO YOU HAVE ANY NON-RAPEY SHOWS YOU CAN RECOMMEND TO US? Fuck.

Lor: At first, I was confused by Helena looking so much worse than she had earlier. When the roofied-vibe finally hit me, it was such a kick to the gut. So, so, so, so gross.

Sweeney: It’s all the more horrifying when you consider that being jostled about, getting used, abused, and manipulated by people has been Helena’s entire life story.

Daniel is on the phone with Rachel. He’s making Sarah drive. He asks again about the photo, but Sarah says nothing. He tells Rachel about the photo, adding that this means they have a whole other problem there. Sarah tells Daniel that Kira’s got nothing to do with this and if he touches her, she’ll bury him. Just as Daniel’s laughing that off THEY GET HIT BY A CAR ON HIS SIDE. Boom. End credits.


Next time: Alison’s going to rehab. (It’s about time.) Helena figures out what happened to her. Find out how Orphan Black S02 E04 – Governed as It Were by Chance

Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I spend too much time on YouTube. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

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  • “Um, no, Sarah, you don’t get bonus points for only partially robbing someone.”

    Ha! Sarah does have some weird justifications for why she does a lot of the things she does.


    Gilmore Girls? Unless I’ve blocked something out, there was nothing rapey on that show.

    • Gilmore Girls is another thing I’ve never seen before. I’m almost positive I have it chance while it was airing, but couldn’t get over the way they talked. I wonder if it’d be different if I watched it now.

      • Someone else I know said the same thing- she wouldn’t watch it because they talked so fast. I’m a bit of a speed-talker myself, so that never bothered me. But it’s one of my all-time favorites- it’s witty, it’s romantic, it manages to show you the fantasy mother-daughter relationship you wish you had as well as the more difficult one you probably do have. The last couple of seasons aren’t great, but I’d still gladly rewatch the show.

        • Wilhelmina Upton

          The fact that the Gilmore Girls talk so fast is one of my favourites things about the show. And since that was one of the first shows I watched in English, it just seems like natural speed to me.

  • This episode gave me a lot of Felix feels. I also kind of stopped watching after this episode because I felt I needed a break before I could handle with the implications of that totally creepy marriage for Helena. It’s been like three weeks and I still haven’t watched the next episode yet. Womp womp.

    • Giiiiiiiirl, I’m pretty much commenting on these comments to avoid watching the episode. I’ve seen the gifs already, and have an idea what happens to Helena, but still. CREEPY MARRIAGE IMPLICATIONS ARE CREEPY.

  • Regina

    It’s like the directors of Game of Thrones and Orphan Black want to keep New Daario to themselves. RUDE.

    • mibamonster

      Pro tip: His Dutch films have quite a bit of nudity, because Dutch and Michiel Huisman

      • Regina

        Thanks for the tip! 😉

      • Really, the Internet thanks you.

  • Regina

    I feel bad for Felix but I do love him and Alison interacting, so maybe it’ll work out. I was only wondering recently who Kira’s father is! Since she seems to be indestructible and only has 50% of Sarah’s DNA it’ll be interesting to see what we find out about Cal.

    Rape-free material: The West Wing.

    • Agreed. And it’s funny, because I made a comment a while about Felix being a supporting character in Sarah’s story, but a main character in Alison’s. I GET IT, but it still hurt my heart to hear HIM say it and walk away from Sarah.

      Excellent point about Cal. Kira is at least 50% Daario Naharis.

      Never seen an episode of The West Wing. Back in the day, I always thought it just looked boring.

      • Wilhelmina Upton

        NO YOU BE QUIET! The West Wing is my favourite, favourite show and far from boring! (I mean, I understand that politics isn’t everyone’s jam but damn I love the characters on that show.)

    • Wilhelmina Upton

      Mostly, aside from those couple of episodes with Zoe though she isn’t raped, right?!

  • Wilhelmina Upton

    Felix telling Sarah that there is just no place for him gave me ALL THE FEELS! It gave me some good hay fever.

    I think the Cosima Delphine dynamic is so interesting because it all blurs together. On the one side, both are fully aware of the other persons role in this big science thing that brought them together while on the other hand, they actually do care for each other and forget role A from time to time.

    It was so stupid and the most out of character I have seen on this show so far when Sarah allowed Kira to go feed the chickens on her own because that was bound to end up like it did.

    And then there is Helena and the Priletheans. I can’t even with that plot. So fucked up and creepy!

  • I spent a good chunk of this episode thinking Daario’s name was Cow until my sister cleared things up for me.

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  • Policy of Madness


    Star Trek Voyager? I can’t swear that nothing rapey ever happens in it, ever, but I can’t think of anything rapey off the top of my head. It doesn’t come up much, if it comes up.

    (Mainly I think it would be hilarious if y’all did Voyager, because it is so, so, so, so, so terrible in the first 2 seasons, and even when the show improves there is a ton that makes no sense. Time travel in Star Trek is equivalent to sunlight and souls in Buffyverse.)

    So, I was sober when watching this episode and I have to say that the Cosmia bits were the most powerful. Autopsying a person who died from the thing you have? Horrible. Make that x10 when the person looks exactly like you. The Helena bits were the worst. She’s finally in with some folks who seem like they aren’t terrible people, and they turn out to be worse than terrible people.

    I’ll note that Helena’s alleged anatomy is not a thing I buy, but that was a comment for the last episode, which I was watching while intoxicated.