Previously: Kira got to meet her dad! But then her mom got rekidnapped by Daniel.
Governed as It Were by Chance
Lorraine: Seeing as how the last episode ended with some implied rape, I’m kind of scared. I’m going to be flinching the whole time.
We start moments after Sarah’s car wreck. She comes to and sees Daniel next to her, passed out and bleeding. Cal opens the driver’s side door and apologizes for the crash. He didn’t know what else to do. Sarah grabs the Project Leda picture and Daniel’s gun as Cal says they have to call the cops. LOL. Sorry, I never get tired of laughing at people suggesting someone call the cops.
Sweeney: THEY NEVER DO. The only people who call the cops are the rare characters who actually call the cops without having silly lines of dialogue in which they ponder at whether or not law enforcement should be involved in their very dangerous situation.
Lor: Excellent observation. The moment you start to say, “should we call…” just forget it. Abandon that plan. It ain’t gonna happen.
Sarah panics as she notices that a cop car is already heading toward them. She holds Daniel’s gun like she might do something crazy, but the patrol car just speeds past them. Cal yells at her because she’s holding a murder weapon. Sarah keeps right on panicking as she throws the gun back into the car and asks Cal to help her hide the crash scene with branches. Tumblr has described my feelings:
DNA and SCIENCE and a NEAT-O SCREENSAVER.
After the credits, Cal and Sarah are rushing away from the accident scene. Cal’s nearly begging her to tell him what she did and who’s after her. Sarah won’t say. He gives up for the present and says they have to get rid of the truck.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. Gracie tells Pastor Broody Cowboy [PBC] that “it,” meaning Helena, is awake and speaking gibberish. PBC sternly tells his daughter that it’s Ukrainian she’s speaking and Helena is part of the family now.
Bonnie, PBC’s wife, is sitting next to Helena as she stirs, complaining of a headache. Bonnie plainly says that it was the sedative, and water will help. Getting the fuck away from these people would also help. How do you make Helena super sympathetic? PUT HER NEXT TO EVEN CRAZIER PEOPLE! (S: Quite the plot twist.) PBC and Gracie enter the room as Helena asks what they did to her. Helena remembers all the people gathered in her room, looking at her. PBC says her new family just wanted to welcome her. She shrinks away from his touch and shakes a bit as she notices the wedding band on her finger. Her face gets blurry and the shot morphs into a shot of a sleeping Alison. She’s the third clone this episode to wake up to a majorly shitty situation.
Sweeney: It makes me feel a tiny bit guilty for the, “UghIdon’twannagotowork,” reaction I had to my alarm this morning. Only a very tiny bit though.
Lor: Alison runs to the toilet to throw up. Her arm is in a cast and sling but she’s still wearing her costume from the play. As she looks at herself in the mirror, post puking, it seems like she suddenly remembers what happened. She goes back into her room and looks around, quizzically. She’s about to leave, but runs right into a Sassy Pants Lady who tells her to sit her ass down. Alison assumes this all has to do with the clone thing, and demands to talk to Dr. Leekie. Sassy Pants breaks the news: she’s not at the Dyad. She’s in rehab.
Cal takes Sarah to a deserted barn where he stashed Kira and mom and daughter have YET ANOTHER reunion. Cal congratulates Kira on her excellent hiding skills and then tells her he has a surprise for her: an RV parked nearby. Sarah asks if it belongs to Cal, because if it’s registered in his name, they’ll be looking for it. Thankfully, it isn’t, so off they go.
Art is still hanging out around the Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch taking pictures. Bonnie and Pastor Broody Cowboy know he’s out there, but PBC is largely unconcerned. Bonnie reminds him about Helena, and suggests that perhaps for Gracie’s sake, and for their safety, they should’ve taken taken her elsewhere. PBC basically tells her not to worry her pretty little head off.
Sweeney: Don’t want to get too with the times, you know? When you take your religious cult to sciencey levels, it’s best to balance it out with a lot of misogny to keep it old school.
Lor: Getaway RV. Kira’s down for a nap, because really, it’s the best thing to do in this situation. Cal asks again who they are running from. Sarah tells him a half-truth: Daniel was working for a very powerful woman from a very powerful corporation. Cal just assumes this means Sarah’s conning corporations now, and she does nothing to refute this. Daniel’s phone pings; it’s a text message from Rachel, asking for an update. Sarah replies. As long as Rachel thinks Sarah’s caught, she won’t send anyone after them. Sarah asks if Cal can get her online and he looks at her like, “damn, you want fries with that too?”
Fries would be great. Thanks, Cal.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. Gracie is bringing in a new pillow and blanket for Helena. AND THEN SHE SMOTHERS HELENA WITH A PILLOW. GOD DOES NOT APPROVE, GRACIE. Probably science doesn’t either. Helena thrashes about as Gracie tells her to leave them alone and just die. Her body goes still. Gracie removes the pillow and pokes Helena to make sure she’s dead. “Go back to hell where you belong,” she whispers and turns around to leave. The shot cuts so that we’re watching Gracie walk away from below and in front of her. I didn’t have enough time to tell my brain, “THE SHOT CHANGED, HELENA IS TOTALLY GOING TO SNEAK UP ON HER,” though, so when Helena sneaks up on her it scares the SHIT out of me. It doesn’t help that Helena’s banging, screeching soundtrack cuts in as she chokes Gracie.
The camera does crazy, drugged out things as Helena tries to run escape the barn. (S: New theory: Helena has a special camera person who is also deeply unstable.) She’s still wearing her “wedding dress” and I say we nominate this for best use of the Pretty White Virginal Dress, mostly because of how disturbing it makes this next scene: Helena runs into a room sectioned off by plastic screens. There is an operating table set up, and this sends Helena into a flashback. When I saw Pastor Broody Cowboy carrying her way in the PWVD, my mind jumped to rape. It turns out they inseminated her using the cattle insemination prod. I don’t want to compare rape to anything. I don’t want to say this is “better” or “worse.” Suffice it to say that this shit is fucked up.
Sweeney: YEEAAAHHH. I’m glad I watched this episode before recapping the last one. I cheated in that respect, because if I hadn’t, big epic feels on this subject would have been a lot longer in large part because I had the same reaction to that episode. I’m having the same this-is-all-just-another-variety-of-hugely-fucked-up reaction to this latest development.
Lor: Helena clearly agrees.
She grabs a nearby scalpel and uses it to tear her way through the plastic screens. Bonnie finds her daughter either dead or passed out on the floor. She’s missing her shoes. Bonnie screams for Pastor Broody Cowboy, but doesn’t actually rush to help her daughter or anything. Helena stumble-runs out of the ranch. Art is out there taking pictures still, when suddenly, she’s upon him. “Holy shit,” Art says. Helena pauses when she sees him (she’s seen him before) but only for a second. Art halfheartedly runs after her for a bit, but then turns back and realizes Mark (Smarmy Hipster Cowboy) and a few other ranch hands are also in pursuit. They have a gun, dogs and a cattle prod.
Art reaches for his badge and stops Mark, who tells Art he’s trespassing on private property. As it turns out, he’s just outside their property line, which means they need permits for that gun on public land. Mark smirks and passes his gun to one of his men, who stays behind. Mark says he’ll see Art again soon as he keeps after Helena. There isn’t much else Art can do, but he bought Helena some time.
Making Crazy Science Lab. Cosima is still watching the Sick Clone Diaries but is interrupted by some chirping from her computer. It’s a video call from Sarah. She asks where Cosima even is. It’s strange to think about how disconnected the clones are sometimes. Cosima is in her new lab. Sarah asks if they let her out, because she looks like she could use some sun. That is Sarah noticing Cosima looking a little pale, a little unwell. Cos tries to cover up a cough and says she’s fine. Cosima returns the question in kind, and Sarah looks out the windshield of the RV, where Kira sitting with Cal on the side of the road.
Kira asks Cal why they are even stopped by a Bad Omens tree under some Bad Omens cloud cover. Not really. I’m just noticing that I probably wouldn’t have stopped. Cal says Sarah had to talk to someone and Kira offers, “aunt Cosima.” Cal’s all, “I guess.” He’s tuning in his radio to receive police scanner updates. Back in the RV, Sarah has presumably filled Cosima in on her dramz. She asks to see the picture again, and Sarah holds up the Project Leda photo. Cosima gives us the cliff notes version of Leda in Greek mythology: Zeus seduces Queen Leda in the guise of swan and she bears his half god children. (That’s really, really weird.) (S: That’s what makes Greek mythology so fun!) Cosima says it has to be some sort of military speak, plus she notices that there is a soldier in the background of the Leda Photo. Sarah wants to go back home. She wants to know where Mrs. S is and why she lied about the Project Leda stuff. Cosima quickly says that she’ll take care of Project Leda and hangs up. She falls into a coughing fit.
Cal has made Kira some origami.
Sarah joins them outside and Cal fills her in on what he’s heard on the scanner: they’ve set up road blocks, but behind them, and there is a BOLO out on his truck. Sarah’s all, “yeah, that’s ‘be on the look-out.’ I once pretended to be a cop.” That last part is all in her tone. Cal knew what that meant, though, thanks very much. Sarah asks why he’s doing all of this. He quickly glances behind him to where Kira plays. Sarah tells him she has to go back home to find someone.
Not So Strange Man (remember? He put Sarah in his trunk, but it was okay, because he was just taking her to Kira) gets in his car. Mrs. S gets in the back seat at the same time, scaring him. He asks if she’s okay, because he heard about the hit on the Birdwatchers house, but didn’t know Mrs. S was the one who did the killing. He swears he had no idea about the trap. Mrs. S menacingly says if he had known, they wouldn’t be talking right now. The point is, she needs new papers from him. There is someone in London she has to see. Benjamin says there’s no need. A certain Carlton is actually in town. That’s convenient! It’s like how on Angel, all the ancient, mystical relics always end up in LA. Something like that.
Sweeney: So MaybeToronto is actually a CloneSciencePsuedoHellmouth of some sort.
Lor: We’re full of excellent theories this recap so far.
They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab, and They Succeeded. Alison is walking down a hall, looks in one of the rooms and sees a woman shaving her armpits. IDK. Felix is visiting Alison, who thinks that Donnie is the one who placed her there. He carefully explains that most rehab centers require some form of consent. Alison is shocked. She doesn’t remember a thing, not even the curtain going up. Felix tells her that a week in rehab wouldn’t be the worst thing, even if there are ladies shaving their armpits.
Getaway RV. Sarah says goodbye to Kira, as she’s off to find Mrs. S and make sure Uncle Felix isn’t still mad at her. Kira gives her the butterflangel Cal made, calling it a guardian angel. Outside of the RV, Sarah and Cal have an awkward goodbye too. She thanks him for watching Kira, and they establish that they’ll meet up at the bus station again in six hours. Cal asks what the name of the corporation after Sarah is and she tells him the truth: the Dyad Group. Cal reacts slightly and it’s the first time I’ve suspected him of anything. WHO ARE YOU CAL? LEAVE MY BEHBEHS ALONE.
Sweeney: I LOVE HIM, SHOW. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MORE THAN PAUL SO JUST LET SARAH HAVE HIM WITHOUT HIM ALSO SECRETLY BE CONSPIRING AGAINST ALL OF CLONE-KIND, OK? IF YOU DO THAT MAYBE I’LL STOP YELLING AT YOU.
Lor: Anycaps, Sarah boards her bus.
Daniel finally wakes up and escapes from that brilliantly camouflaged car. Another terrible way to wake up. “WHY ARE THERE BRANCHES IN MY FACE?”
Mrs. S walks into a bar, sporting a fair bit of Bad Girl Styling. (S: A good look for her, too. Get it, Mrs. S!) As she walks through the bar, she’s grabbed from behind by some dude we soon learn is Carlton. He’s played by Roger Cross, who has been in tons of things, but I don’t actually recognize from anything. They flirt banter a bit, and he lets her go with a laugh when she pulls a knife up against his balls. HA HA HA. GOOD TIMES. They’ve missed each other and soon start making out and undressing each other. Alright, Mrs. S. No wonder you had to go to London ASAP. (S: YOU DID GET IT! GOOD FOR YOU.)
Mrs. S’s house. Sarah “sneaks in” with a bright ass flashlight. She finds Mrs. S’s purse and starts going through it when she’s startled by Felix.
Felix is short with her, but does provide her with the Clone Updates, including the fact that Alison is in rehab. Sarah is shocked, but Fee says it’ll be good for her and her dignity.
Cut to Alison peeing in a cup with Sassy Pants standing watch. We cut again to Sassy Pants walking Alison back to her room, explaining that there are no drugs or alcohol allowed and no sex. She responds to all of Alison’s protestations and explanations with, “MMHMM. Whatever.” Donnie is waiting for Alison when she gets back to the room. She tells Sassy Pants that she doesn’t want to talk to him, but SP just leaves.
Alison accuses Donnie of putting her in rehab, but he says she agreed to it. Donnie threatens to take away the kids if she leaves rehab before the program is complete and leaves with a quick kiss on the cheek. Something tells me Donnie will regret that.
Sweeney: Alison let a woman die for mocking her Christmas ornament arts-and-crafts project, so, yeah. A safe bet.
Lor: Mrs. S’s House. Felix and Sarah are still rifling through her stuff. Felix finds a picture of Carlton and underneath it are a group of cut-out articles. One of them is about a lab explosion that killed six people working on a project spearheaded by Susan and Ethan Duncan. AS IN RACHEL DUNCAN. Sarah compares the pictures in the article to the Project Leda picture. They are the same people. Mrs. S knew who they were the whole time. Sarah wonders what else Siobhan is keeping from them.
Bar Chica Wow Wow. The flirting is winding down as the business begins. Carlton came to town because Brenda Birdwatcher was compromised. “I heard,” Mrs. S replies evenly. Carlton gives her a long, knowing look. She tells him Amelia came back recently too. “So you know why I’m here,” Carlton replies. Yep. Leda. His cryptic reply is, “Kasov was the ferryman,” but S needs more to go on than that. That’s all Carlton has for her, though. “Twenty years ago, you brought an orphan to my door. ‘Put her in the black,’ you said. ‘As black as it gets’ and I didn’t ask much but now I know. I know what she is, old friend.” Carlton says that she knows more than he does, then. S asks him to take her to the ferryman, because if Sarah keeps investigating, a whole world of shit will unravel.
Felix and Sarah wrap up their investigating. Daniel’s phone pings again with another text from Rachel. Sarah pokes around the phone and pulls up Rachel’s address in Cameron Arms, some super ritzy executive suites where Felix knows a cute concierge guy. Felix offers to distract him so Sarah can sneak in, but she says no. He needs to get the articles about the Duncans to Cosima. They leave the house and after they do, the door to Mrs. S’s basement creaks open, and someone we cannot see emerges.
Cameron Arms. Sarah impersonates Rachel on the phone to the Cute Concierge Guy.
Sarah finds a drawer full of video tapes. There is one already loaded into the VCR labeled Cambridge, 1991. She pushes it in, presses play and watches a video of Rachel playing gleefully. So the Duncan’s were Rachel’s adoptive parents, but Amelia was originally carrying Sarah for them. Somehow, they ended up with Rachel. Sarah could’ve been Rachel. (And so could’ve Helena, technically.) (S: And Rachel knows this. And I don’t get the feeling that Rachel takes kindly to being the second choice – thus completes my known list of explanations for Rachel’s particular interest in Sarah.) Sarah finds men’s clothing in the apartment as well, and goes back to watching Rachel hugging and playing with her mom in the video, as Cosima rambles on about Rachel being raised as a self-aware clone. She postulates that Rachel would’ve been raised without emotional attachments to be a perfect corporate leader. Sarah doesn’t think so, because she’s watching a really lovey dovey home video.
AND THEN DANIEL ENTERS THE APARTMENT. Sorry, there are a lot of caps in the recap, but this show keeps making me yell.
Sweeney: Yeah, I think I lied before about how I’d stop yelling. Sorry, show. (But also do what I asked, ok?)
Lor: Okay, so Sarah turns off the TV and hides. Daniel calls Dr. Leekie and fills him in on Sarah being gone. Sarah tries to sneak past him but gets caught. He holds a gun to her but she says he can’t shoot her because he isn’t allowed to. Daniel puts up his hands and points to the door, saying she’s right. Sarah walks that way, cautiously, and he punches her in the face.
Getaway RV. Sarah’s late and Kira knows she won’t be back that night at all. She pouts as Cal tells her it’s okay to be sad, but she shouldn’t be worried. Kira isn’t because Sarah has her guardian angel. Cut to Daniel playing with the butterflangel. Sarah is waking up again, this time tied by her hands in the shower. Daniel says it’ll be easier to clean up after the mess that way. He grabs the Project Leda pictire and asks where she got it and who else knows about it. Sarah tells him to eat her and spits in his face. Daniel, still bloody from the car wreck, says Sarah isn’t very smart. She’s shaking pretty violently, but she keeps talking, saying she’s smart enough to know that he’s sleeping with Rachel. That must make him her monitor. Daniel pulls out a his straight razor and opens it slowly. Sarah turns her face away.
Sweeney: Every episode presents new examples of how impressive she is.
Lor: Daniel says this is going to happen. Leekie wouldn’t allow it, Rachel might, but this is for him. He steps to her and presses the blade into the flesh behind her ear. We watch the blood start to seep out when suddenly, music comes on in the living room. Daniel goes out to investigate. Sarah squirms and we hear, but can’t see a big commotion. From Sarah’s vantage point, Daniel falls into frame, grabbing his neck on the way down. And who follows him? HELENA. SHIT. HELENA, accompanied by her freaky ass soundtrack, still in her Pretty White Virginal Dress, now covered in blood, still wearing Gracie’s cowboy boots, the weirdest looking “guardian angel” that you ever did see.
Sarah freaks out, more terrified than ever, but Helena shushes her.
Sarah eyes the big ass knife she’s holding suspiciously, but Helena needs her help. “Don’t send me back,” Helena pleads. “I was married. I think. He took something. From inside of me.” Helena climbs into the shower with Sarah , puts her head on her sister’s chest and stays there. Sarah is tense for a moment or two longer, but finally, she exhales. She puts her cheek on Helena’s head and sobs.
This entire scene. Someone put all of this on her Emmy reel, please. (S: YES.)
Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. Bonnie and Mark enter the barn/operating room. Gracie is alive, but sleeping. They lost Helena. Pastor Broody Cowboy says that God shines a light in the dark night (that sounds awfully Creepy Red Lady of him) and looks up at the screen on the wall, where the image under the microscope is blown up. It’s a fertilized egg, splitting in two.
I have no more evens to give, you guys.
Next time: The Rachel vs. Sarah showdown continues in Orphan Black S02 E05 – Ipsa Scientia Potestas Est.