Charmed S01 E05 – How not to deal with rejection.

Previously: Piper kind of fell for a dead guy.
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Dream Sorcerer

Lorraine: Phoebe runs into Qua    ke and some bro comes over to ask if she’s a terrorist because she’s the bomb. As much as I’m sure I could end the recap there, another random bro taps into this bad pick-up line ring, asking if it hurt when Phoebe fell from heaven. She whispers in his ear that she’s a witch, not an angel, because she’s on a one woman mission to basically announce that to everyone, ever.

  Phoebe joins her sisters, who are staring at a couple making out at the bar. Phoebe and Piper moan about being single. A cheery waitress delivers a drink to Prue and points out the man in the restaurant who sent it to her. Prue sends the drink back with the message that she’s very flattered but seeing someone else. Piper and Phoebe are all, “woah-ho-ho! Turning down a drink! Things must be serious with Andy!” I like what it says about Prue that turning down a free drink is that important. Maybe as important as accepting symbolic keys to the spa.

Cheery Waitress Skye takes the drink back and the Secret Admirer is not happy but recovers quickly; he asks Skye out for a drink too. He moves a bit away from the table so that we see he’s in a wheelchair. I wouldn’t have brought that it up if the show weren’t trying to be real obvious, since dude had really NO REASON to move at that second, besides being all, “see what I’m sitting in, audience?” Yes, thanks, we see. Skye is uncomfortable and makes a lame excuse about not being able to date customers because lots and lots of women feel like they need to excuse their no’s, instead of just being able to say NO and have that respected. Anyway.

That night, Skye climbs into bed and the shot closes in on her alarm clock. It’s 1:05am. In an expert passage-of-time-edit, the shot transitions to show 2:30am. The dude from the bar, who I’ll now call the Scary Admirer turns on the light and tells Skye that she’s in his world now. When he pulls her up from the bed, she’s suddenly dressed in a Pretty White Virginal Dress and the background is all smoky, red, and reminiscent of a romance book cover. The Scary Admirer creepy whispers that this is Skye’s dream, but his fantasy and he can do whatever he wants, even walk or dance. But he doesn’t really dance with her, he just dips her a lot.  After the third dip, Skye’s all, “DEAR GOD!” and tries to run away, but the Scary Admirer grabs her. He threatens that he can kill her in her dreams, which means she’ll die in real life too. Skye begs for her life but Scary Admirer says she has to pay for rejecting him because he’s the actual worst even when he isn’t excessively dipping. He pushes her off of a dream roof and she falls to her death.

I AM THE SAHN.

Police are on the scene at Skye’s apartment. Detective Morris tells Andy that every bone in Skye’s body is crushed, like she fell off a 20-story building, but she’s just in bed at her apartment.

Halliwell Manor. Piper is doing an exercise video, but gives up because she claims that after two weeks, nothing has strengthened but her temper. I wonder if Piper rewards herself for working out with Zebra Cakes like m… my friend. This girl that I know.

Prue and Piper half-joke about plastic surgery and all men wanting women like the lady on the exercise tape. Prue says they have to stop thinking about what men want and start thinking about what they want in a man. (And I cheer for Prue!) Phoebe’s answer walks in ahead of her: Tones of fun, lots of heat and no strings attached. Piper wants romance and is jealous of what Prue has. Prue says the downside is trying to navigate the big family secret. She should adopt Phoebe’s method and just announce it wherever she goes.

Police Department. Andy asks if Morris saw the coroner’s report. Morris is all, “I did, but I’m going to tell you what it said anyway because this is how bad writing works.” Skye died of massive internal hemorrhaging, something Morris usually sees on jumpers. He thinks maybe the body was moved but Andy doubts that since the apartment was locked and windows secured. It wasn’t a suicide and it wasn’t death by natural causes which leaves them with murder.

Piper tells Phoebe that Skye never showed up for her shift, which has left her short staffed. Phoebe doesn’t really care because she’s actually here with news that she found a spell to attract a lover. Piper asks if that isn’t a bit desperate, but Phoebe thinks asking for what you want is empowering and progressive. Plus, the Book of Shadow(y Contrivance) says they can reverse the spell at any time.

Manor. Piper and Phoebe are preparing for the Come Hither Spell, but Prue arrives unexpectedly. Piper tries to rationalize to her sister that the Book of Shadows must have all of those spells for a reason and this particular spell would be good for testing their powers. We swipe cut to just after the girls have told Prue this is a Come Hither Spell. She says she’ll have nothing to do with it, but her sisters are undeterred.

Attic. Phoebe takes Piper’s lover-wish-list and reads it out loud.

Phoebe giggles at how romantic the rest of the list is. Piper grabs her list and it’s all about a man who is sexy, seductive, likes scented candles, Italian sheets and recycling. Phoebe finishes by saying that it goes without saying that they both want a man who is well… employed. Aw, Phoebe was marginally likable just then! FIVE EPISODES IN EVERYONE! Have a celebratory shot.

The spell goes like this:

I conjure thee, I conjure thee
I am the queen, you’re the bee
As I desire, so shall it be.

You can’t rhyme bee with be. No way this spell is going to work.

Some magical indoor wind rips through the attic. The girls wonder if it worked, and jump up when they hear the phone ring, hoping it’s a guy calling. It is, but it’s actually the Scary Admirer asking Prue out again. Prue looks like she’s going to punch this guy through the phone, and he hangs up when she starts asking important questions like, “how did you get my number and name?” Phoebe is done with all that, though, because she’s going to Qua   ke to see if the spell worked.

Later Prue falls asleep in the bath. The Scary Admirer enters her dream and he does this scary thing where he knows what she’s going to say and says it with her. Prue starts to chant, “you’re not real, you don’t exist,” like her mother taught her to do when she was a child. Scary Admirer creepers that he’s going to love Prue to death and then scratches her back with a loofah. You never though loofahs could be  threatening, but alas. Scary Admirer pushes Prue under the water and in her dream we hear a knock. Prue wakes up and almost drowned is not a bad look on Shannon Doherty.

Piper asks what the heck happened. Prue says it was nothing, but once Piper is gone, she notices that the terrifying loofah scratches on her back are real.

The next morning Piper is all, “real life nightmare? That’s CRAZY talk,” even though a few hours ago she was casting a spell to attract a lover. Speaking of! A beefcakey man enters the kitchen followed closely by a beaming Phoebe. He kisses Phoebe goodbye, but not before throwing an empty milk container in the recycling bin.

 

Police Department. Andy’s located three other cases where women died the same way as Rayne.

Qua   ke. Phoebe is talking loudly about how the spell worked, because she hasn’t outed herself as a witch yet today. See Beefcake doesn’t usually go to bars but he so happened to get a flat tire outside of the restaurant where he so happened to run into Phoebe. Piper is doubtful, so Phoebe runs off with her Beefcake. Piper serves a regular patron his regular meal (we saw him earlier), but this time he stops to really look at Piper. He calls her beautiful and asks her out on a date. She excuses herself for a second and runs off to call Prue. While on hold, another man says she shouldn’t go out with Regular Patron, because she should fly to Paris with him. Piper freaks.

Buckland. Prue can’t actually chat about boys because she a lot of work to do.

That night, Piper does indeed go on a date with Regular Patron Jack. Phoebe thinks this has all worked out super great, but Piper is still less than convinced.

Andy and Morris are investigating the ex-boyfriend of the first victim. Morris is all, “hey what do you know about this place we probably drove together to?” and Andy is all, “well, that’s a very useful question!” and proceeds to tell us that Ex-Boyfriend Berman and Murdered Woman Julie worked together on some experimental project. And of course, Berman turns out to be Scary Admirer. He has the rock solid alibi of having been in a sleep study while Rayne died, though, so since they can’t charge him with being criminally creepy, the inspectors leave.

AND PIPER AND REGULAR PATRON JACK ARE HAVING THEIR DATE AT QUA    KE. WHY? This is suddenly like in Rosewood where they have Rosewood’s One Restaurant Bar Grill and Coffee Shop. Piper purposefully tries to turn Jack off, but she quickly figures out that what she says doesn’t matter because of the spell. That and like four other dudes hit on her. Piper chuckles the chuckle of, “a ha ha, I had not thought of the consent issues here!”

Scary Admirer prepares to go into his magical sleep, telling all the people who work with him to up the dose of something and turn the machine up to 12! All of it is really vague in terms we’re meant to understand could be science-y. Or could also be from children’s educational programming.

 

Prue has fallen asleep at her desk so Scary Admirer comes to put her in a smokey dream hell again. She grabs a letter opener in her panic, which later comes in handy because as the self-proclaimed Dream Sorcerer (NO GOLD STAR FOR YOU.) Villain Gloats, she stabs his hand. Prue’s desk phone rings and wakes her up. It’s Andy and she thanks him for calling. He sweetly says he just wanted to hear her voice and she replies, “okay, bye.” HAHAHAHA. Prue.

Her boss touches her shoulder and she spins on him, lifting the letter opener we now see is covered in blood.

Station House. Morris is all, “so, partner, tell me again why you think the Scary Admirer is our suspect!” Andy’s all, “wow, my totally well written cohort, I will tell you.” He’s connected all the dots about Scary invading women’s dreams and killing them for rejecting him. Morris really wants to Scully this theory, but we’re late into the episode so they have to figure this shit out soon.

Phoebe gets home after ditching the Beefcake for being too handsy to find the house full of flowers. The girls decide to reverse the spell because it was wrong and also not what they wanted after all. Prue calls and tells them about almost being dream-murdered again. She charges them with looking for something about the Dream Sorcerer in the Book of Shadows and hangs up. In the attic, Piper and Phoebe have no luck with finding anything and wonder if maybe this guy is a mortal.

Prue calls again, this time from her car because DRIVING while she is literally falling over with sleepies seemed like a good idea. Piper and Prue try to keep her awake but Beefcake shows up, yelling at  Phoebe for abandoning him. Piper doesn’t immediately freeze time because of plot, so Piper falls asleep again and crashes into a pole. She’s alive and muttering, “I can’t fall asleep.”

After a Not Break, Prue is in the ER still trying to stay awake, but she falls unconscious. Scary Admirer is there to talk to her some more in his strange cadence. If he weren’t killing women in his sleep, his voice would be the creepiest thing about him.

Andy and Morris arrive at the sleep lab again and tell some worker to wake Scary Admirer, no matter what it takes.

Piper and Prue arrive in the ER and are told to head to the waiting room, which they do not. Andy tries to wake Scary up by yelling at him. Prue hears his voice in the dream hell. Piper and Phoebe talk to Prue and she hears their voices as well. They motivate her to use her powers against Scary and it’s a little like that one time Jessica Wakefield talked her sister out of a coma.

Whatever, it works and Prue finds the strength she needs to close her eyes and telekinesis Scary Admirer off the dream roof. The actual big! resolution! of this episode was Prue closing her eyes.

In the sleep lab, Andy and Morris watch Scary die, which for some reason convinces Morris that he shouldn’t doubt Andy, and not that maybe they killed him by trying to yank him out of sedation.

The next day, Piper and Phoebe bring their sister recycled flowers. Prue is happy to hear they reversed the love spell. Andy shows up, thanks to Piper letting him know his girlfriend was almost killed, and he brings the patient a cheeseburger and fries, so he can stay. Piper hands Phoebe a consolation rose and they run off together.

I resent this episode for trying to insinuate that naps are anything other awesome. And people who ruin naps pretty much deserve to be pushed off imaginary buildings.

 

Next time: Piper caters a wedding and discovers the groom is under a spell in Charmed S01 E06 – The Wedding From Hell.