Previously: Dawson tried to film himself kissing Jen and ended up making an amateur porno when Pacey boffed the English Teacher.
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Discovery
Kirsti: We open in Dawson’s Shrine o’ Spielberg. He’s watching his footage back (read: creepily talking about how perfect Jen is) while Joey sasses about how Jen’s future is sooooooooo predictable – she’ll go to a small liberal arts college, major in art history, move back to Manhattan, marry a stockbroker, move to the suburbs and raise neurotically perfect children. Dawson changes the subject to what he should get his parents for their wedding anniversary, and um, NOTHING??? Unless buying your parents an anniversary present is a thing in America and I’m not aware of it?!
Democracy Diva: Yeah, definitely have never done that. I think maybe I gave them a card when we had a big dinner for their 30th anniversary, but in general, this is not a thing in my circles.
K: Okay, GOOD. Anyway, the conversation grinds to a halt when he shoves in the Accidental Porno Tape. (D: Definitely the name of my imaginary punk band.) After a moment of WTF IS THIS, they both declare it highly watchable, then share weirdly gleeful expressions when they realise that the woman on the tape is their English teacher. I don’t know about you, but if I accidentally stumbled across a text tape of MY TEACHER, I’d fall heavily on the side of “EW NO WHY MAKE IT STOP”. But maybe that’s just me…
Diva: Depends on the teacher. Personally, even if it were gross, my curiosity would probably get the best of me.
K: I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, Dawson and Joey giggle their way through the “WE HAVE PORN OF OUR TEACHER” story to Jen and Pacey at the Icehouse. Jen joins in the giggling, but Pacey’s understandably twitchy, especially when Dawson reveals that it was filmed at the ruins. He nearly knocks over his drink as he asks nervously if you can tell who the guy is, then heaves a sigh of relief when Dawson says you can’t. Pacey wants to see the tape, and Joey calls him a pervert. Jen says she has to get home before Grams wigs out, and Dawson heads out with her.
Outside Grams’ house, Dawson goes to kiss Jen but she stops him because Grams is watching through the window. He sulks, and Jen tells him that the anticipation will make their next kiss even better as she goes to head inside. Then she changes her mind and tries to suck his face off as Grams watches with a disapproving expression. I have one too because no one needed to witness that kiss. I mean, seriously:
I’m so sorry.
Diva: #FACENOMZ
K: He’s like a snake, trying to swallow her entire head.
Cut to Jen walking into the kitchen. Grams gives her judgey face, possibly because she seems to have borrowed Madonna’s cone bra today based on how weirdly pointy her boobs are, and Jen says it was only a kiss. Grams replies that a lot of Jen’s trouble in New York started that way, and Jen snaps. She says that they need to stop having the same conversation over and over again because it was only a kiss. She walks out and Grams sighs.
Leery House. Gail and Mitch bicker about her not remembering a ten year old scar on his chin. Dawson, of course, remembers the scar’s origins in great detail. Gail and Mitch start to make out and Dawson heads upstairs. He finds Pacey in his room, feverishly searching for the tape of Tamara. He yells at Pacey for messing up his stuff, but Pacey has no fucks to give. Dawson grabs the tape for him, and Pacey heaves a sigh of relief once it’s in his hands. That’s followed by a typically longwinded no-teenager-talks-like-this conversation about how Pacey’s not the guy who gets the girl, but this time he did. Dawson’s all “The fuck are you talking about?” Pacey twitchily spills the beans: he’s the dude on the tape. Dawson – for the first and probably only time in the six seasons of this show – is speechless.
Then, giving us our first DUDE NO moment of the episode, Pacey awkwardly asks how he looked, performance-wise, in the video. Gross. Dawson’s eyebrows scream “WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS??” as he equally awkwardly says that it looked fine. A relieved Pacey thanks him, tells him not to say anything, and heads out, tape in hand. Dawson is left sitting on his bed with a shell-shocked “WTF JUST HAPPENED” expression. Fade to black.
Diva: It was like a charged homoerotic moment, but not in an intentional way. But also, cheers for Joshua Jackson’s acting in this scene. His constant fidgeting and stuttering are flawless, and he seems to be the only person on this show whose mannerisms and speech vaguely resemble those of human teenagers.
K: Very true.
After the Not Commercial Break, we’re given a bunch of establishing shots of Capeside, accompanied by the dulcet strains of the Barenaked Ladies. Dawson and Joey are shopping for an anniversary present for his parents as Dawson reveals that he’s jealous of his parents’ sex life. Gross. This leads Joey to make a sassy comment about Jen not putting out, but it’s interrupted when Dawson spots his mum across the store, WITH SOMEONE WHO’S NOT MITCH. Joey gets “oh shit” face as Dawson heads over there. Gail and her horrific 90s hair (D: It’s particularly awful in this scene) awkwardly introduce them to her co-anchor, Bob. Joey judgey faces him on account of she knows they’re bumping uglies.
#JUDGINGYOU
Cheater Bob offers to look at Dawson’s movie when it’s done, and Dawson gushes that he’d love that. Gail awkwards some more and hurries Cheater Bob out of the shop. Joey death stares after them.
Chez Grams. Jen says that she’s going to see Dawson, and Grams sighs that “that boy only wants one thing from you.” Yes, to film your makeout sessions. Jen insists that Dawson’s not like that. Grams brings up the fact that Joey climbs in his bedroom window all the time, and Jen says that there’s nothing going on between them, apart from “some of that sexual tension thing that happens when a guy and a girl have been friends for so long.” Ugh. Totally not a thing, girl. (D: “There’s nothing going on between them, except all the stuff that’s going on between them!”) She also says that Grams saw the full extent of her relationship with Dawson out the window the previous day. Grams sighs that she hopes Jen can avoid skanking up the place like other girls her age. That last part may have been paraphrased.
Downtown (LOL) Capeside. Pacey spots Tamara sitting outside at a cafe and rushes up to her. He asks what she’s doing, and she says that she’s trying to pick their next class book. Is this how the American education system works?? Because we knew like a month before school started what our texts for the entire year were going to be…
Diva: We had summer reading lists, but I don’t think they included what we’d be reading the following year. I’m pretty sure it was all standardized and not like, picked randomly mid-semester by teachers, though.
K: ANYWAY. Pacey asks if they can read something with sex in it, and Tamara’s all “Right, because there’s no sex at all in Romeo and Juliet, The Scarlet Letter, or Oedipus…”
He rephrases: he wants something where sex isn’t a warning, where having sex means bad things happen. Pacey, honey, just count yourself lucky that you’re not in the Whedonverse. (D: I may have shouted, “PACEY WATCHES BUFFY!” at my screen.) On second thoughts, you have a penis. You’d be fine. Tamara, on the other hand… Ahem.
She asks if he really thinks it’s possible for two people to have sex and everything be totally fine afterwards. He touches her hand, but she pulls away (seriously, dude. You’re in public, WTF did you expect??) leaving him with a sad panda expression.
Diva: Also, yes, it is possible for two people to have sex and everything be fine afterwards. Just not when one of those people is a teacher and the other is her underage student.
K: Leery House. Dawson’s showing Jen the latest cut of the movie and looks nervous when he asks what she thinks. She says it looks great, and he invites her to go with him to Gail’s TV station tomorrow to use their equipment. She agrees, and he sits next to her on the bed. After dropping a weird factoid about kissing in old movies, they make out a little before Jen calls a stop to things. Probably because his giant forehead is terrifying her.
At the TV studio the next day, a sound guy is helping Dawson dub over Jen’s vaguely pathetic scream from the original take. Problematically, the screams she’s giving in the sound booth are even more pathetic. Dawson calls for a break. He and Jen head out to the soft drink machine, and he apologises for being a perfectionist. She says it’s fine, then spots Gail. She draws Dawson’s attention to his mum just in time for him to see his mum kissing Cheater Bob. WHOOPS AND DRAMATIC ZOOM.
“MOMMY NO.”
Diva: Also, they are making out in their place of employment, while other people are working, IN A HALLWAY. Like, not even behind closed doors. Sorry, Gail and Bob, but you guys are really bad at this.
K: SO FUCKING BAD.
Toad The Wet Sprocket’s Amnesia – far more angsty and rock-tastic than your usual Capeside soundtrack – plays as we cut to Jen and a shocked looking Dawson sitting on the waterfront. Jen says that he needs to talk to someone about what he just saw and, even though she’s basically a stranger (snaps to you, Jen, for recognizing the insta-status of your relationship), she’d like to be that person if he wants. But LOL NOPE because we cut to Dawson knocking on Joey’s front door. Outside, he says that he should tell his dad, and Joey’s all “DUDE NO.” Dawson says that he joked about Gail having an affair with Cheater Bob, but he was never serious.
He wonders how many affairs are going on in their perfect-on-the-surface town, and asks her if she thinks people know. “People always know…” she says, and he realises that she knew. He demands to know why she didn’t tell him. Joey tells him that she didn’t want him to hate her for being the one to say it, and also that she thought he would have realised by now but clearly he’s too distracted by Jen. Really, Joey? REALLY? Dick move, girl. I mean, the not telling him is legit, because how do you tell a friend something like that? But the “if you hadn’t been so caught up in a girl who’s not me, you would have noticed your mother’s affair” part? NOPE. (D: PREACH.) Dawson agrees with me and calls an end to their friendship. Joey, in her twelve-sizes-too-big 90s jeans and midriff top, sad pandas as he walks away.
Outside the video store (LOLOLOL), Pacey gets creepily jealous as he sees Tamara laughing with the film teacher at a cafe. Back at the Leery House, Gail arrives home to find Dawson waiting for her. She says that she thought she’d see him at the station earlier, then asks if anything’s wrong. She can probably tell something is on account of his nostrils are flaring so much that she’s in danger of being sucked into one. He says that everything’s fine and walks away.
Cut to Dawson knocking on the front door of Chez Grams. When Grams answers, he informs her that despite her not liking him, he’s not a sex-crazed teenager (LOL, OKAY) trying to corrupt Jen, and also he’s there to collect Jen. Cut (SERIOUSLY, SO MANY FREAKING CUTS) to Jen listening as Dawson rants about his first world problems. I’m sure their conversation is important, but I’m distracted by the fact that his clothes are so baggy that you could fit at least two more James van der Beeks in there too.
Diva: All the James van der Beeks, and all of their giant foreheads.
K: What a terrifying concept. Right, back to the actual point: he makes her promise to always tell him the truth, because secrets destroy everything. Okay, drama queen. Jen says that there are some things that people don’t want to know, like for instance he probably doesn’t want to know why she’s really in Capeside. He’s confused because she thought it was to help out with her sick grandfather. Jen LOL NOPES because Grams spent 40 years as a nurse, and says that it’s because her parents didn’t like the part where Jen was sleeping her way around New York. Dawson is shocked because he thought Jen was a virgin. He says he’s fine with her revelation, but it’s pretty clear that he’s not.
“NOOOO, USED VAGINA OMG.”
Capeside High, the next morning. With Toad the Wet Sprocket playing again, Pacey looks on with puppy dog eyes as Tamara straightens the film teacher’s tie. Jen rushes up to Dawson and offers half a dozen suggestions of hanging out. He rejects them all and walks away, saying that he’ll call her. Jen looks sad because her boyfriend is a slut-shaming asshole. Pacey walks into Tamara’s classroom and asks if she thinks that someone sleeping with multiple people should tell all involved parties that they’re sleeping with multiple people. She says that’s a sensible plan and that she expects him to inform her if he starts sleeping with someone it’s actually legal for him to sleep with. He’s all “Hahaha NO, I’m talking about you and Mr Film Teacher. GOD.” She informs him that Mr Film Teacher is gay, and that she’s trying to make sense of what’s happening between her and Pacey too. He looks relieved.
Diva: Maybe Mr Film Teacher can talk some sense into Tamara. She desperately needs a gay best friend to ask her, “What, what, WHAT are you doing?!”
K: AGREED.
Out in the hallway of bad 90s fashion, Jen catches Dawson at his locker. She asks if he’s really and truly okay with what she told him. He says again that he is, but she’s not buying it. He tells her that there’s nothing he can do about it if he’s not, and she says that maybe he could, oh I don’t know, USE HIS WORDS. “You could tell me why you’ve been avoiding me all day, or what’s behind that look in your eyes, whether it’s repulsion or jealousy or complete disapproval because I know I’ve never seen it before. You could tell me that you suddenly feel strange about us, that maybe we need a little break because you don’t seem to know me and maybe you never really did. Or, and now I’ll make it really easy for you, you can just tell me if I’ve left anything out. I didn’t think so.” With that, she walks away and I cheer a little because despite her terrible taste in the opposite sex, Jen is a pretty freaking great character.
Diva: TEAM JEN FOREVER.
K: Which is funny, because Teenage!Kirsti hated Jen.
Video store. Dawson and Pacey are having a totally horrific conversation about how Dawson’s all “EW, JEN’S NOT A VIRGIN, GROSS” and Pacey thinks that’s the greatest thing ever because Jen telling Dawson that means she wants sex just as much as he does. Excuse me while I bash my head against a wall repeatedly. (D: You’re excused. I’ll see you there – I’ll be the one whose brains are splattered against the wall.) Dawson says that’s not true and his freak out has to do with exactly one thing. Pacey hits the nail on the head when he says that the one thing is that Dawson can’t handle the fact that the girl he put up on a pedestal isn’t perfect, that life doesn’t work the way his perfectly scripted movies do.
Dawson sighs because he’s not ready to live in a world where his girlfriend isn’t a virgin (SERIOUSLY???), where his mother is having an affair and where his best friend actually got some (pretty illegal) sex. Pacey asks what he’s going to do about the whole mother-having-an-affair thing. Dawson replies that he’s going to tell his dad. Fade to black.
Diva: Honey, trust me when I say you are not ready for that conversation.
K: No kidding. After the Not Commercial Break, Mitch is getting ready for he and Gail’s 20th anniversary dinner when Dawson bursts in and turns off the stereo. Mitch casually drops into the conversation that they haven’t just been together for 20 years, they dated for 4 years first. They and all their college friends got married at the same time, but most of the friends are onto second marriages by now whereas he couldn’t imagine his life without Gail. Dawson periodically interrupts with “Dad. Dad, no. Stop. I have to talk to you” type comments. Just as Dawson’s about to spill the beans, Gail walks in. Dawson chickens out and just tells Mitch to have a good time.
The Icehouse. Jen walks in as Joey’s closing up. She tells Joey that she needs some advice, but Joey’s all “BUSY. BUSY WITH THE CLOSING UP LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” Jen says that she told Dawson she wasn’t a virgin. Joey miraculously finds some time to talk. Cut to them sitting at a table with coffee. Jen’s hurt because of the aforementioned douchiness. Joey tells her that while Dawson is articulate, he’s immature and the classic only child who pouts when things don’t go his way and who only sees things in black and white. Also, there are popes who’ve had more sexual experience than him. That’s not really saying much, Joey. There’ve been numerous popes through the ages who were married or had children. (In checking on how many, I discovered that there’s a Wikipedia page titles “List of sexually active popes”, which may be the funniest title ever.) (D: God bless Wikipedia.)
ANYWAY. Jen asks what Joey would do in the same situation. “Same as you. I’d get hurt, mad, confused, ask people for advice, maybe the wrong people, and then I’d wait.” “For what?” Jen asks. For Dawson to grow the fuck up and not be grossed out by the idea of girls who aren’t virgins, apparently. Jen asks how long she should wait, and Joey does the awkward Joey Potter Shrug as she says that she’d probably wait forever.
Awkward Joey Potter Shrug (TM)
Diva: Because she’s the saddest sack character in the world. MOVE ON, GIRL.
K: Tamara’s house. Pacey asks Tamara how many guys she’s slept with. Ugh. She tells him that of the ones that mattered, there was one in high school, one in college, three since then, but no one for the past few years. He’s flustered by that until she tells him that the one in high school wasn’t when she was a high school student. He grins and I make this face:
Chez Grams. Jen tells her unconscious grandfather that both Grams and Dawson think she’s a slut but she can’t see what the big deal is because in the next 2-5 years, basically all her peers will have sex too. For the time being, though, it’s apparently a huge fucking deal.
Diva: Poor Jen. I have personal feels whenever characters are taking care of their dying grandparents, so excuse me while I ugly-cry during this whole scene.
K: FAIR. Sarah McLachlan strikes up her special brand of misery as we cut to Dawson moping at the ruins. Joey walks up to him, and says that she’s come in peace and that also she and Jen are friends now, and she smoothed things over for him by telling Jen that it’s just because he’s mad at his parents and the cheating. “I’m mad at the world, Joey. I’m a teenager,” he replies and I laugh and laugh because ANGST CENTRAAAAAAAL.
She says that she’s happy to talk about Jen with him, but he says that he can’t because they’re not really friends any more. Not the way they used to be. You know, the way they were before she pointed out that he had man parts and asked him about his masturbatory habits in the pilot… She says that it’s called social evolution, and they’ll either survive or end up in a dusty museum case. He sighs and says that in an alternative universe, they’ve probably been married for fifty years already.
That leads to a jokey back and forth about their fake wedding, including the part where they both brought dates. Dawson’s fictional date is Jen, obviously. Eventually, Joey stands and says the subtext is making her tired. She tells him that no matter how the wedding ended, whether he chose to go home with his date or his wife, she had a great time. He says quietly that he did too. She walks away, then looks at back at him and sighs “No doubt about it – straight to the Smithsonian.” Fade to black.
Here’s to less slut-shaming in the next episode?
Diva: YES PLEASE! But this show is set at a high school in the 90s, so I won’t hold my breath.
Next time: there’s a hurricane in Capeside! This forces everyone to spend a ton of time together, and lots of secrets come out. Find out more in Dawson’s Creek S01 E05 – Hurricane.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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