Previously: Felonious sex tapes! Jen’s not a virgin! Gail is a cheater! Joey is a liar! Dawson has angst!
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Hurricane
Democracy Diva: Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson and Joey are having a disaster movie marathon because there’s a hurricane a-blowin’. Gail and her not-so-secret lover Bob are covering the storm on TV, and are overtly flirting with each other during the broadcast because they’re bad at secrets. Dawson’s parents still don’t know that he knows about the affair, and he’s too tired to deal with feelings, so he asks Joey, “You mind if I sack?” Is this an actual thing that humans say? (K: Maybe it was in the 90s??) Anyway, Joey basically tells him to deal with his shit instead of hiding out in the storm. Instead, he broods and watches his mother and her mastress (man-mistress? Guys, it’s so sexist that there isn’t a word for this!) on the news.
After the not-Paula-Cole credits, R.E.M.’s “It’s The End of the World as We Know It” blares as Capeside’s townies board up their windows and prep for the storm.
Kirsti: Man, the 90s just LOVED rolling out that song for any kind of disaster movie/episode, didn’t they? I’m looking at you, Independence Day…
Diva: Gail is angry because her station isn’t letting her cover the storm – it’s too dangerous for a vagina to be out there! Meanwhile, Mitch heads next door to Jen and Grams’s to invite them to crash at the Leery house during the storm. This is both very sweet and a very effective plot device for making Dawson face his Jen-related issues. While Mitch is gone, Dawson needles his mom about how faithful and wonderful his father is, and how Bob’s just an anchorman. Since Gail is neither deaf nor blind, she figures out that Dawson must know her extremely-poorly-kept secret.
Pacey and his cop brother Doug are on the beach because their police chief father ordered them to put up “DON’T FUCKING SWIM IN THIS STORM Y’ALL” signs.
Witter boys, protecting the Cape.
Pacey intimates that Doug likes men, to which Doug responds, “Just because I’m pretty doesn’t mean I’m gay.” This is true, but I don’t know very many heterosexual men who refer to themselves as “pretty,” so the issue is still up in the air for me. Anyway, Pacey won’t quit it with the gay jokes until Doug roughly grabs him by the collar and basically yells I LIKE VAGINAS.
K: I have a love/hate relationship with Doug Witter. He’s completely and utterly awful for the first couple of seasons, but then he somehow ends up being adorably awesome. And the ending to his story makes me happy. But where this episode is concerned? I’m firmly on the “hate” side of love/hate.
Diva: Meanwhile, at the Potter house, which is sadly not located in Godric’s Hollow (K: Womp womp. Joey: the much lesser Potter), Joey’s sister Bessie and her boyfriend Bodie are fighting about whether to circumcise their baby when it’s born. Joey votes that they all ride out the storm at the Leery house, and I’m all, uh, were you even invited, girl? Or did you just up and decide to move into their house for however long this storm lasts?
Pacey stops by Tamara’s house and finds Doug there, helping her board up the windows. Because this is a thing that cops do, I guess? Doug flirts with Tamara; Pacey is predictably pissed.
Leery House. Grams insists she can survive this storm on her own, and also if God wants her house he can just huff and puff and blow it away, no worries. Mitch insists on taking them in, which is probably a good idea if that’s Grams’s attitude towards this storm.
K: You forget, Diva. She has God on her side. Or something.
Diva: Ah, yes, of course! How silly of me.
Anyway, Dawson and Jen are finally left alone, and he can still barely look at her, let alone speak to her. She calls him out on being cold, which he is. Jen, your ability to know your own emotions and speak honestly about them without casting judgment on others clearly means you are way too mature for this kid. Dawson goes back inside and overhears Gail literally making kisses noises on the phone, sitting on the staircase where anyone could walk by and hear her, because once again, SHE IS REALLY BAD AT THIS.
An unwise place to call your secret lover and make kissy noises.
K: SO BAD OMFG I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO BELIEVE HOW BAD.
Diva: Dawson tells his mother to pin a scarlet “A” on her blouse, because fifteen-year-olds who haven’t read anything besides The Scarlet Letter are the absolute worst. Gail tells Dawson his anger is justified; he calls her an “adulteress” because it’s medieval times and he probably wants her to be paraded through the streets naked so all the world can know her shame. Finally, Dawson tells her to save her speeches and reasons for his father, which is maybe the only intelligent thing Dawson has said so far this episode.
Up in Dawson’s bedroom, he goes apeshit about his mom to Jen, telling her, “You defend her. You would; it makes sense.” Wow, Dawson, you’re a dick. (K: My notes at this point say “Oh GOODY. More slut shaming from Dawson Doucheface Leery.”) Jen agrees with me and immediately calls him on this completely unfair statement, as if by not being a virgin when she met Dawson, Jen somehow betrayed him. She obviously should have known before she even moved to Capeside that she was going to meet Dawson Leery one day and he would sweep her off her feet, so she better keep her legs closed, the better to preserve her virtue for him. Anyway, Jen tells him to cut the bullshit and stop living in a Spielberg fantasy, and storms out. And of course, Joey’s been hiding in Dawson’s closet this entire time, because she has no boundaries when it comes to the Leery house. She tries (and fails) to calm him down, and finally tells him to thank God he still has a mother. Because Joey doesn’t understand that some things are actually not all about her.
K: Joey picks really weird times to play the Dead Mommy card. REALLY weird times.
Diva: Downstairs, Mitch expresses concern about Bob’s safety during the storm; Joey coldly tells him not to bother worrying. Gail follows Joey out of the room and tells her she’s ending it with Bob.
Tamara’s House. Doug and Pacey are eating dinner there, and staying with her during the storm, because that’s not weird or anything. When Doug leaves to check on a noise outside, Pacey tells Tamara that Doug is gay. Then they kiss and fall to the floor, giggling and still holding each other when Doug comes back in.
What? No, no felonies happening here!
Why is everyone on this show so obviously terrible at keeping their secret relationships a secret?
K: Our old friend contrivance demands it?
Diva: I sometimes forget about the immense strength of the Powers that Be Contriving.
Over at the Leery House of All the Feels, Dawson tries to tell his dad about the affair, but Gail walks in and confesses. She babbles about Diane Sawyer and her career for awhile before she finally confesses, saying that she doesn’t seek forgiveness, she just knows he needed to know. Before Mitch can respond, the lights go out, because Grams got on the line with the big guy upstairs and told him to cue his power outage to force the Leerys to deal with their issues. Mitch shoos Dawson away and starts babbling about lanterns and batteries, and then freaks out and starts knocking shit around the room. He screams at Gail that she doesn’t get to cry, which makes her cry harder, and she’s still sobbing as Grams walks in.
Gail is so scared right now, and so am I.
K: Okay, Gail’s confession was hella awkward and ridiculous. But at least thanks to Mitch’s reaction, we now know where Dawson gets his doucheface tendencies from!
Diva: Beware, doucheface parents: your doucheface tendencies are genetic.
Tamara’s House of Sex Crimes. (K: A+) Doug says a lot of terrible shit about Pacey, calling him the family embarrassment right in front of him. Tamara exposits that she left New York because of a dysfunctional ex-husband. When Doug starts to flirt with her, Pacey interrupts to ask what Broadway musical he would star in. Doug says he’d play Tony in West Side Story, because he’s boring. I’d play Hedwig in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, because inside the heart of this small Jewish cisgendered woman lives an east German transgender punk rock singer.
Leery House. Bessie and Bodie are still fighting about circumcision when Bodie points out that they don’t even know if it’s going to be a boy or a girl. “Or black or white,” Grams adds, because she’s supremely fucking racist. She even tries to defend her lack of a position, and Bessie basically says, fuck you, because we’re going to love the shit out of this kid no matter what. Then Grams helps Dawson with something and tells him bullshit about second chances and God, but I stopped listening because I’m still mad at her for being such an asshole.
K: I had completely forgotten how much of an asshat Grams is in season 1. Because holy hell, this character is a judgey bitch.
Diva: Right? I remember liking her later on, but probably because I had forgotten how TOTALLY RACIST she is.
At Tamara’s House of Musical Theater References, Tammy and the Witters talk Gypsy and A Chorus Line and it’s making me happy because this is what I live for. Doug asks Tamara out on a date, but she clarifies that it’s not a “real” date, because she knows that he’s gay. Doug is like, umWHAT and she tries to pretend Pacey didn’t say anything to her, she just knows because she has “great gaydar.” Doug insists he’s not gay; Tamara insists it’s okay if he is! And then Doug LITERALLY PULLS A GUN ON HIS BROTHER AND ORDERS HIM AT GUNPOINT TO TELL TAMARA HE’S STRAIGHT.
Doug Witter: terrible brother, even worse cop.
Um, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you, Doug? Tamara appropriately freaks out, and Pacey’s all, don’t worry, this happens all the time. HOW IS THIS PERSON ALLOWED TO BE AN OFFICER OF THE LAW?
K: I have so many Pacey feels right now over his “this happens all the time”-ness. Also, Dougie really REALLY needs to see a therapist. JFC.
Diva: Mitch is sitting in his car, brooding. Gail runs into the car, soaking wet from the storm and shivering. Mitch monologues about how he loved Gail from the moment he met her, because he decided to love her, but now he’s taking it back. He has decided to hate her instead. I don’t think that’s really how feelings work, but, okay. Then he screams at her to get out of the car before he physically removes her. Mitch, I get that you’re angry, but it would be a lot easier for me to be on your side if you stopped with the threats of domestic violence.
K: Seriously. I mean, throwing his wife out of the car into a hurricane was bad enough without added threats of violence. But also, MITCH AND GAIL WERE INSTA-LOVE-Y BEFORE INSTA-LOVE WAS A THING. Amazing.
Diva: Tamara’s House of Apeshit Possibly-Gay Cops. Doug apologizes for the gun thing, but says he still wants to take her out. Even Tamara is not crazy enough to be into that, so she says she’s seeing someone, and the Witter brothers leave.
Leery House of Running Mascara. Gail looks like she’s been sitting outside on the porch all night during the storm. When Dawson sees Jen, he tries to explain himself, but she tells him she needs to say something first. Jen confesses to Dawson that she lost her virginity when she was twelve years old, when an older guy got her drunk. After that, she started drinking a lot, blacking out, and sleeping around. She tells him that sex at such a young age “more often than not is a bad idea.” Actually, having sex at age twelve with an older man who got you drunk isn’t an “idea,” bad or otherwise. It’s just rape.
Jen continues that the final straw for her parents was when she was caught having sex in their bed; her father sent her away just so he wouldn’t have to look at her any more. She tells Dawson that she’s not that girl any more, and never really was, but she’s not the virgin Mary either, she’s just a person trying to figure shit out like everyone else. She’s starting over, and for some insane reason, she wants Dawson to be a part of that. He says he will, if she still wants him after how fucking awful he’s been. I can’t believe it either, Dawson!
K: 1. I have a lot of Jen feels (some of which are “GIRL. DO NOT AGREE TO DATE THIS DUDE”), with a side of “You think you’re starting take 2, Dawson? Try take 75…”
Diva: I’m glad we have both decided to have Jen be the only character we have actual feels for, at least thus far.
At Tamara’s House of Terrible Life Choices, Pacey comes back to ask what she would change about her life if she could go back and do it again. She wouldn’t have married her abusive ex-husband. Pacey says he would be older, so he could tell the world he’s falling in love with her. Tamara repeats her “it’s too dangerous, we have to stop” shtick and Pacey insists that that’s the turn-on here. Hey, Tammy, if you like danger so much, have someone who is over the age of consent and not your student tie you up, or something. Stop committing felonies just because you’re an adrenaline junkie. Anyway, when Pacey asks what she’d do right now if she could do anything, and she pulls him inside for some more sex crimes.
Mitch returns home and finds Gail, still on the porch. He sits in front of the screen door and asks her why she did it. It was because her life was perfect and she needed to fuck it up because she couldn’t handle it. She ruined her perfect life for no reason, but she wants it all back, and she’s sorry. Mitch asks if they can just sit there and not talk, and so they do.
Joey stares out of Dawson’s window. He apologizes, using so many gigantic words that even Joey calls him out on it. She apologizes for playing the dead mom card, and admits that she whips that one out way too easily. (At least she can recognize that much about herself.) He asks what he can do for her, and she says she just wants them to be kids again for a little while. So they go reenact Jaws in Dawson’s closet, just like they did when they were kids.
K: I fail to understand why – then AND now – they had to sit in a stinky closet to re-enact Jaws. Is it because the Shrine o’ Spielberg would get offended if they got a line wrong?? Whatever. This friendship is weird.
Diva: +1. In fact, almost every episode can be aptly summed up with the sentence, “This friendship is weird.”
Next time: Bessie needs Grams’s help giving birth, word gets out about Pacey and Tamara, and shenanigans ensue in S01 E06 – Baby.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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