Previously: A total copy of The Breakfast Club ended with a much unhappier ending for all concerned.
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Boyfriend
Kirsti: Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson talks to himself as he flips through the TV stations. He pauses briefly on scrambled porn before settling on classic movies. Convenient, really, because it means that when Joey climbs in the window a second later, she doesn’t find him bonding with Little Dawson. (D: Except Joey would call it “walking his dog,” because she’s the worst.) (K: TRUE.) Joey, who’s borrowed Faith’s coma make up complains about sleep deprivation courtesy of her shiny new nephew and says her GPA is dropping as a result.
COMA COMA COMA
Dawson tells her to just stay over, which she rapidly agrees to. She judges him for his choice of movies and he starts to defend Gary Cooper, pining for the days when the nerd could easily get the girl. When he looks over a hot second later, Joey (and I, to be honest) is asleep.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, Mitch and Gail awkwardly go through their breakfast routine, non-committally talking about their plans for the day, including an appointment with a marriage counsellor. Dawson appears upstairs and they gushily try and get him to join them and break the awkward. He replies that he’s running late. As he turns away, we see his face fall as the Orchestra of 90s Teen Problems does its thing. The awkward gets more awkward.
On the boardwalk, Pacey rants to the town drunk about how boring Capeside is. He gets up to head to school and nearly gets run over by a shiny red convertible. He yells at the driver to take some more driving lessons, and said driver – who I know as Jim from Center Stage – asks Pacey for some help finding the high school.
Democracy Diva: This dude is in so many random things, but I forgot that he’s that sweet boy from Center Stage, one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasure movies EVER. Even more amazingly, HE’S ONE OF THE HYENAS IN THE BUFFY HYENA EPISODE. Yes, that’s right: this man ate Principal Flutie.
K: I can’t believe I missed that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
Pacey gives him directions, then tries to scam a lift. “And ride with such a reckless driver? Come on…” the dude says as he floors the pedal to the metal (I’M SORRY, I COULDN’T RESIST) and screams away. I’m gonna go ahead and nickname him Reckless Driver, because I like it when the characters nickname themselves.
Joey’s house. She fights for space in the bathroom and at her own dresser before admitting defeat and tying her wet hair back with a scrunchie. I call bullshit on her outfit because surely it’s November by now and she’s wearing a midriff t-shirt and a lightweight sweater. In Massachusetts. Okay, show. Whatever. Anyway, Bessie assures her that she and Bodie just need to adjust to being new parents, which shouldn’t take more than two or three years.
At school, Joey complains to a sweater-vest wearing Dawson. The fashions on this show just keep getting better and better. (D: FOR REAL. The fugliness is neverending.) Anyway, Dawson helps her cram for a Spanish test, and Joey asks how things are between him and Jen seeing as how Jen’s currently conspicuously absent. Dawson says everything’s great, and Joey does her patented sad smile. You know, the one that says “You’re my friend so I’m meant to be happy, but I have secret pain about this development.” Jen appears as the bell rings, and Joey awkwards away as Dawson and Jen kiss. Further down the hall, Dawson asks if they’re still on for that night, and Jen trails off as the Guitars of Bad Boy-ing start up and show us Reckless Driver [RD] leaning against the wall. If the guitars and the reckless driving weren’t enough to tell you he’s a bad boy, he’s also wall leaning in a leather jacket.
Diva: First of all, Jen compliments Dawson’s vest in this scene, and I laughed for ten minutes. Second, wall-leaning is a common denominator amongst 90s bad boys. Remember, Angela Chase fell in love with Jordan Catalano because of how good he was at wall-leaning.
So bad, he can’t even hold his own badness upright without some wall support.
K: YES. But seriously, the sweater vest compliment was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Joey notes his presence with interest from the doorway of her classroom. Jen makes her excuses to Dawson, saying she’ll see him in class, then heads towards RD. Joey gives her patented judgey eyes to this development. Jen asks RD what the hell he’s doing there, and he goes to kiss her. She gets all “DUDE, NO” (which may well be the Avengers Shots of Capeside) and tells him to leave. He says that he drove all night to see her and begs her to go for a drive with him. Jen insists that she’s a different person now as Dawson watches with concern from around a corner.
Diva: Yup, he’s definitely putting the leery in Dawson Leery. And, for that matter, the creep in Dawson’s Creep.
K: Can you tell that we don’t like Dawson, Traumateers?
His concern grows when Jen agrees to give RD two minutes and she leaves with him. Okay, so Jen’s 15, right? This whole thing is totally creepy because the dude playing RD was 23 at the time and looks more like he’s 27…
Dawson’s moment of manpain is interrupted by Cliff, who asks if Dawson knows where Jen is. Cliff, it turns out, is holding a barbeque that weekend and wants Jen to go. When Dawson looks all “Dude, seriously??” Cliff reluctantly invites him too. He then asks if Jen has a boyfriend, earning himself a gold star.
Course, there’s then massive awkwardness when Dawson’s all “Uh, yeah. ME??” Cliff awkward turtles and slinks away.
Back at the Leery Manor, Gail says that the marriage counsellor wants them to try new things together. She suggests sailing, fencing or scuba diving. Mitch thinks that swinging or spouse swapping sound more up the cheatery cheater’s alley. Gail sad pandas, and asks when he’s going to stop punishing her. Mitch replies “When it stops hurting.”
Outside Grams’ house that afternoon, it seems like Jen had a little more than two minutes to spare. She tells RD that Capeside has been good for her, and she’d really very politely like him to leave. He says it’s too late to drive back to New York that night and he doesn’t have any hotel money. If she finds him somewhere to stay, he promises to leave the next morning. Just then, Dawson walks up and asks if everything’s okay. Jen assures him that it is, and introduces RD – real name Billy Konrad – as an old friend. She asks if RD can stay at Dawson’s that night. Dawson’s reluctant on account of a) he literally just met the guy and b) he’s a suspicious bastard. Also, please marvel at all of these costume decisions:
Jen says that she’s already told Dawson about RD, and Dawson’s eyes widen as he says “He’s Mr. Got-Caught-Doing-It-In-Your-Parents’-Bed??” Yes, yes he is. (D: But K’s nickname for him is way better.) (K: Thank you.) Jen says she’s told RD all about her relationship with Dawson and assures him that she and RD are just friends. RD grabs his bag from the car and dumps it on Dawson’s shoulder before heading for the house. Dawson bitchily scurries after him, and Jen facepalms.
Shrine o’ Spielberg, later that night. RD says it must be weird for Dawson having him there, then asks “What are you, some kind of film buff?” Dawson and I get simultaneous “Wow, you’re an idiot” expressions. He mocks Dawson’s ET toy, which Dawson calls “a collector’s item“, then gets all up in Dawson’s face, saying that he’s not leaving town until Jen dumps Dawson and gets back together with him. Then RD laughs and says he was joking. Dawson bitchfaces. RD says he should take advantage of his presence to ask what Jen was like in New York. Dawson says he already knows all about it, but RD insists that he knows the highlights, not the details.
Cut to Joey’s where it’s suddenly daylight again. Dawson rushes in asking for help. I’m hella confused about the timeline here. I totally thought it was the next morning, but both Dawson and Joey are wearing the same clothes they were wearing at school before RD turned up, so…IDEK. ANYWAY. Joey and her extreme triangle hair tell Dawson to STFU so he doesn’t wake the baby, and asks what the problem is. Apparently it IS the next day, as Dawson says that things aren’t as fine as he thought they were yesterday, because now Jen’s ex-boyfriend is staying at his house. Joey rolls her eyes, and I paused my DVD mid-eyeroll and it was fucking terrifying:
SHE’S POSSESSED BY THE DEMON OF EYEROLLS.
Anyway, she tells Dawson not to stress so much. He whines that if he kicks RD out, he’s a wimp and if he lets him stay, he’s a patsy. Somehow, this segues into a conversation about his parents: “How much pain and humiliation can a relationship endure before it reaches the point of no return?” Dawson melodramas. (D: Using melodrama as a verb = REQUIRED when describing this show. No one melodramas like Dawson.) Joey, who seems to have stolen Faith’s coma make up (D: AGAIN?! Stop stealing from a comatose girl, Jo!) tells him to calm the fuck down because everything will be fine. Because he’s an asshat, Dawson slams the door on his way out, waking the baby.
One change of clothes later (D: A+), Jen thanks Dawson for letting her ex-boyfriend stay over. Dawson bitches that he doesn’t think RD will give up until he’s got Jen back, and also he doesn’t think Jen wants RD to leave. I wouldn’t either, because anything is preferable to Dawson Leery. Jen says that the only reason she doesn’t want him to leave is because her parents rushed her out of New York so fast that she didn’t get closure. RD was one of the few guys she slept with who treated her well, and she can’t just turn her back on him. Dawson, douchebag that he is, gets ultimatum-y: “We’re invited to a party at Cliff Elliott’s tonight and I want you to come with me. I want things to go back to normal and I want Billy gone.”
Jen says it’s not that simple, and that if one of Dawson’s ex-girlfriends turned up, she’d understand. Dawson bitches that that’s impossible because Jen’s his only girlfriend. She tears up as she insists that her feelings for him haven’t changed (GIRL. THEY SHOULD HAVE) and that he should try and understand. “Unfortunately, I think I do,” he says as he bitches away.
Video Store (LOL). Joey, coma makeup even stronger, demands that Pacey give her The English Patient, because it was on cable the previous night and is the only thing she’s found that will put the baby to sleep. The conversation shifts to RD, and whether or not Jen will dump Dawson for him. Pacey realises that Joey’s thrilled RD is in town, because it’s driving a wedge between Dawson and Jen, and if they break up, she’ll finally get her shot. Joey glares, mutters “Bite me, Pacey,” and stalks out, The English Patient in hand.
Leery Manor. Gail and Mitch return from a scuba diving lesson, squabbling about the events of the lesson. Upstairs, Dawson looks sad as the Orchestra of 90s Teen Problems resumes. Cut to the Icehouse, where Joey is run off her feet. She’s got dithering customers, others calling out for service, and is generally screwing up on all fronts due to sleep deprivation. Pacey turns up and asks if she wants to crash Cliff’s party. She’s reluctant until she learns that Dawson will be there. Alone. Bessie tells her to go have fun.
Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson’s struggling to pick out an outfit for the party. Come on, dude. It’s obviously going to be baggy pants and a baggy shirt… (D: And if he’s feeling fancy, maybe even a baggy sweater vest!) Mitch comes in and they do some father-son bonding over their shitty relationships. It includes this gem of a line from Dawson: “Let’s face it, dad. We’re a couple of nice guys, which stopped being a desirable character trait about half a century ago.” YES, DAWSON LEERY. YOU ARE A NICE GUY. THE BAD KIND. Ahem. Mitch tells him that relationships are all about compromise. Dawson’s all “Huh. That works?”, because he’s the worst.
Cut to the boardwalk. RD wants to take Jen back to New York, but she insists that Capeside is her home. RD doesn’t want to believe that she’s leaving him for a guy with an ET doll, but she defends said ET doll, so it must be true love. Or something. She then tells him that it’s been good to see him, but she has a party to attend and a boyfriend to apologise to. He asks for one last kiss, and she reluctantly agrees. They kiss before she bids him goodbye and leaves.
Look at all the chest hair on this totally-15-year-old guy!
Cliff’s party. We know it’s totally raging because there are jocks on the beach tossing a football around and Blink-182’s Dammit is playing. Pacey, drink in hand, gushes about what a great party it is. Joey sasses sarcastically in response. Pacey heads off to talk to a random girl he’s crushing on, and Dawson joins Joey on the balcony. As predicted, you could fit two more James van der Beeks into his clothes. (D: But then we would have three Dawsons and everything would be THREE TIMES AS HORRIBLE.) They have a snarky conversation about the party, then agree they should have one drink and hit the video store. Dawson heads off to procure drinks, and Joey does the “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING” lip bite.
Diva: LOL. That lip bite is her signature move. Add that one to the drinking game.
K: Along with the Joey Potter Shrug (TM).
As Dawson’s getting drinks, Jen turns up. She offers a word vomit-y apology, and he kisses her. I continue to be confused about the weather in autumnal Massachusetts because a girl in the background is wearing a bikini top.
Back on the balcony, Joey looks around her in confusion at Dawson’s lack of return. A guy who looks like an American high school AU version of Thor offers her a drink.
Diva: I actually think he looks more like Daenerys Targaryen.
K: Understandable.
She shuts him down, saying that Dawson’s getting her one. American Thor (D: AKA Mother of Dragons) is all “Oh, the same Dawson who’s right over there with his cute blonde girlfriend?” Joey stares in horror, then grabs the drink and skols it.
On the beach, Jen apologises some more, saying that her judgement was impaired by RD’s presence. Right on cue, RD turns up. Dawson gets pissy, and Jen insists that she told him to leave. RD says that he read between the lines, and that her kiss “possessed a little more kiss and a little less good-bye.” Dawson is incredulous, and RD tells Jen that he’ll leave if she says that all the kiss meant was goodbye. Jen says nothing.
Up on the balcony, Joey’s got her drunk on. Pacey takes her drink away, but American Thor returns with a new one and tells Pacey to stop trying to steal “Chloe” from him.
Joey downs her new drink and American Thor says they should go for a walk. She agrees. Back on the beach, Dawson and RD bicker over possession of Jen some more. RD calls Dawson “a third and expendable wheel“, which LOL, and says that he and Jen were a thing before Dawson even knew she existed. “You and everyone else!” Dawson says. DUDE. NO.
Diva: Does he EVER STOP SLUT-SHAMING? EVER?! How and why the fuck does Jen put up with this?
K: I HAVE NO IDEA OMG. Jen gets WTF face, which is totally legit. Dawson tells her to make her choice – is he or RD the third wheel? She, sensible girl that she is, declares herself to be the third wheel and walks away. Dawson and RD yell after her.
Down the beach, Drunken!Joey’s on the verge of making out with American Thor. Pacey runs up and intervenes on her behalf, because he’s the best, despite the part where he sleeps with teachers and jerks off in the locker room. American Thor takes a swing at him, but Pacey ducks it and punches American Thor in the jaw. American Thor lands face down on the sand just as Dawson runs up. Joey looks up at Dawson and calls him her hero. Pacey gets “………….seriously???” face as he massages his knuckles.
K: There’s a reason why I have a “Team Pacey 4EVA” tag on my blog.
Joey’s house. The boys whisper about how they need to get her in the house without waking the baby. Pacey sneaks into the baby’s room and shuts off the baby monitor, shushing him as he cries. Dawson carries a mostly passed out Joey to the sofa. He covers her with a blanket and starts rambling about how despite their relationship being hella confusing, he’ll always be there for her if she asks. With that, she wakes up, kisses him and passes out again, leaving Dawson confused. Meanwhile, in the baby’s room, Pacey’s struggling for ways to stop Alexander from crying. He ends up whisper-reciting the plot of The English Patient in a fake English accent, and it’s FABULOUS.
K: Seriously. It was amazing.
Leery Manor. Gail packs scuba equipment into a chest. Mitch appears and gives her a hand. He tells her that he’s not sure it’s the new stuff that needs work. They need to focus on the old stuff instead. He puts a CD on and asks her to dance. As they dance, Gail tries to kiss him, but Mitch says they should work on one thing at a time. Cut to Dawson and Pacey rowing back across the creek. Dawson tells Pacey that Joey kissed him, and says that she probably thought he was Brad Pitt. Pacey looks like he wants to bash his head against a desk before informing Dawson that he’s totally blind and that Joey’s “head in the clouds, 100% ass-backwards in love with you.” Dawson scoffs a little, saying that what he has with Joey is great, but it’s not love. What he has with Jen, he says, is love. I laugh and laugh and laugh, because DUDE, NO. Pacey looks like he agrees with me.
Shrine o’ Spielberg. RD is packing his stuff. He informs Dawson that he’s spoken to Jen and she’s apparently not as confused as she seems. He heads out, but not before telling Dawson that he can get from New York to Capeside in less than three and a half hours if Dawson fucks up. Dawson smirks to himself, then spots Jen on the dock. He heads outside and wraps his arms around her, apologising for his earlier behaviour. She pulls away and folds her arms. She tells him that her life now is pretty much the same as her life in New York – she’s still the girl who hides in relationships rather than facing things alone. She’s never stayed home on a Saturday night or been to a school dance alone, and she’s unhappy a lot of the time despite having everything she could possibly want in life.
She tells him that she broke up with RD, and says that she’s breaking up with him too. Dawson is shocked. He insists that they can make it work, but she cries and demands that he listen to her: she has to try being on her own for a while. Dawson pulls the Nice Guy routine, saying “You can’t just make me fall for you and then bail as soon as…” because he’s the worst. She tells him that she’ll inevitably regret her decision and come crawling back to him, and that he’ll be totally justified in telling her that he’s with somebody else.
Dawson interrupts her, angrily saying “Somebody who appreciates me. Somebody who doesn’t blow into town with her dysfunctional past and play mind games with the boy next door. Somebody who is capable of a healthy, committed relationship and unfortunately, somebody nothing like you!” He storms off, then turns back. Jen’s facing the water, her shoulders shaking. Dawson’s face softens for a second, then he turns again and walks away from her. Fade to black.
I honestly don’t know what to think of this episode. Between the Definitely-Approaching-His-Mid-20s ex-boyfriend, typical Dawson douchebaggery and some terrible decisions all round, I can’t see this ranking highly at the end of the season. At least there was English Patient Pacey??
Diva: Everything is better with English Patient Pacey. Also, Ben Folds plays at the end, and I am always happy when Ben Folds is playing. Otherwise, it was yet another installation of Dawson, the Amazing Slut-Shamer with the World’s Largest Forehead.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: The boys go on a road trip with Reckless Driver, because that’s BOUND to end well. Plus, there’s a rumour going around school about Joey. Find out more in S01 E09 – Road Trip.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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