Previously: Veronica helped a shy girl find her lost puppy and made out with Logan some more.
—
M.A.D.
Lorraine: Neptune High Parking Lot. Veronica’s car has stopped and lots of people are honking at her and generally being shit waffles because they SEE Veronica is having issues, so why honk? Logan and his Brogans are casually passing by, in “making jokes about poor people” distance. Logan is carving up an apple and Veronica grabs his knife all while brushing off their subpar insults.
Democracy Diva: I was also going to give Lor a 1430 for “Logan and his Brogans,” so congrats, you get a 2860!
Lor: REALLY? The other day I got a title star for a Daario Naharis gif and now this! I’m on a roll!
Dead smack in the middle of a hallway somewhere, because these assholes couldn’t take their conversation off to some grassy area or picnic table no-ho-ho, a very pretty girl is breaking up with a guy who is graduating in less than a month. He tries to plead with her, and even forces a mix CD on her, but Carmen’s mind is made up: their relationship is over. The guy calls her back and shows her something he thinks will change her mind. It’s a video we don’t see, but we do hear Carmen giggling.
Cut to Carmen crying in Veronica’s Bathroom Office. Carmen doesn’t remember doing whatever it was she was doing on the video, and guesses she was very drunk for that reason, and because she would never. Veronica is all, “have sex with that jerk?” (it’s all in the tone) and Carmen says it’s worse: she’s in a hot tub and has a Popsicle. So probably that Popsicle melted and made a big mess! (D: LOLFOREVER. Snark Squad advice: popsicles tend to melt in hot temperatures.)
Carmen doesn’t know if her ex is serious, but she can’t take the chance. She asks Veronica to get that phone and our girl is confident that she can and will.
COME ON NOW SUGAR.
We’re still in the bathroom but this time, Logan and Veronica are violently making out.
Lor: Maybe rich people bathrooms in schools where very little education happens are different!
When they come up for air, Logan apologizes for Dick and the other Brogans, but Veronica doesn’t care about them. Plus, she says they have to keep up appearances. She doesn’t want Duncan to come back and learn about them from other people. Logan flinches a little at this, but smiles as he says he’s late for physics class. Secretly dating Veronica has perks, though, because she’s got tardy slips. They kiss a little more and it’s adorable and what the hell, since pretty much all the gifs I found of this episode were of this scene, HAVE SOME MORE KISSY GIFS.
Lor: To that end, Veronica’s first order of business once he’s gone is cooling down, especially since she has to help Carmen. “Thank God for disposable cell phones,” Veronica’s Voice Over tells us.
Hallway. Wallace complains about being witness to parental PDA. Veronica’s best advice to pretend they don’t exist. She hands him a scrap of paper and tells him to call that number half way through 6th period. Veronica sees DoucheEx and also asks Wallace to help her with a “bump and bait.” She turns around and starts talking very exaggeratedly. DoucheEx runs into her and Wallace drops a cell phone into his conveniently open bookbag.
Sweeney: WHO DOES THAT? Zip your stuff, people.
Lor: Veronica next walks into a classroom, talking on the phone in a, “NUH-UH GIRL!” way. The teacher asks what the heck she’s doing and takes her phone away. Meanwhile, in his own class, Wallace calls the number Veronica gave him. Back in study hall, the phone they planted on DoucheEx’s (whose real name is Tad…) (S: Which is such a fucking douchey name, too.) rings. The study hall teach takes his phone away too.
Later, Veronica is in another class. She hands in her assignment and asks the hippie looking teacher if she can be excused early to help separate the recycling in the cafeteria. Hippie Teacher is all too happy to oblige. She probably doesn’t have a SAG card, though, because she just nods and says no words.
Veronica runs through the halls just as the bell rings and makes it to Study Hall first to collect her phone. Study Hall Teacher opens the drawer and is too busy warning her not to let it happen again to notice that Veronica grabs Tad’s phone. She runs out and bumps into Tad on his way in. Tad sees that his phone is missing and tells the teacher, who has approximately -2 fucks to give. “Veronica Mars,” Tad snarls, and it is delightfully cartoon villain-esque.
Mars Investigations. Keith asks Veronica about her day and she answers him with her usual amount of sass.
Lor: Keith is busy, though, smiling to himself over the $50,000 reward for finding Duncan Kane. He thinks it’ll be no sweat catching himself a rich kid, but Veronica breaks the bad news that she inadvertently told Duncan how to disappear without a trace, information that even included finding recycled passports on eBay. Still, she’s hopeful because she has a someone who can work the eBay angle. We hear humming off screen and a very cheery Ms. Fennell enters with an overnight bag in hand. Veronica greets her through clenched teeth and watches them happily skip away to probably have parent sex.
Carmen visits Mars Investigations and she’s super happy Veronica got Tad’s phone. V breaks it to her, though, that even though they got the phone that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the video. Carmen doubts it, as Tad isn’t a think ahead kind of guy. I don’t know, Carm, those snappy shirt/sweater combinations make it seem like he likes to do a little planning. (D: For real. I started calling him Sweater Boy in my notes the moment he appeared.) She grabs a statue off Veronica’s desk (?) (paper weight?) (seriously, what is that thing?) and uses it to smash Tad’s phone. “Justice is served,” Veronica says and then there is a message on her computer. It’s from Justice and it says, “girl, we are only 11 minutes into this episode, calm down.”
Not really. It’s from “Top Gun” who is of course Tad. It says, “nice try,” and is followed by another copy of the Popsicle video. We see two seconds of it. Also, lots of forms of “Popsicle” already lead many a searcher to this website, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey. I like that there is another nice, new place for them to land on and confuse them. STOP READING FIFTY SHADES AND WATCH VERONICA MARS. OKAY, THANK YOU.
Sweeney: THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SNARK SQUAD.
Also, unsurprisingly, the bounce rate on the popsicle searchers is almost always 100% because you have to be really drunk on the ELJ Koolaid to search for “Fifty Shades Popsicle.”
Lor: Neptune School of Education and Extortion. Veronica asks Mac for that favor looking into recently sold recycled passports. Mac jokes (butnotreally) about Veronica never asking for a normal favor. After Mac leaves, Veronica spots Carmen in the courtyard looking like she’s going to hurl as Tad hugs up on her. Weevil and his Knievels walk by and Weevil comments loudly on what a shame it is that a “neighborhood girl” is dating a white guy. One of his bros jokes about how Weevil had a crush on Carmen in elementary school.
We continue our tour of the courtyard and land in front of a booth selling tickets to the “Get Marooned” themed prom. Some kid complains to his friend about the theme and particularly about the getting lei-ed puns that will no doubt follow. Tad is standing near enough to hear and says no one is forcing “queer bait” to buy any tickets. This gets them into a verbal tussle; the gay barbs are tossed freely. I Hate Prom Themes (IDK. Go with it.) tells Tad that he’s the one joining the Navy, which is gay enough to get you thrown out of the Navy. Tad doesn’t have a proper comeback so he just says that prom is for “traditional” couples. His sidekick asks what’s more traditional than “fairies and fat chicks.”
Veronica Voice Over basically tells us why we just saw that whole exchange: Why would Carmen want to dump such a charmer? We basically were already there, show, what with the blackmailing, but good to know this he is a really, really shitty human being.
Sweeney: Also: other people have reason to hate this really, really shitty human being too!
Lor: After school, Carmen says she doesn’t know how long she can keep being Tad’s forced girlfriend. (D: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE BECAUSE THIS IS ILLEGAL.) Veronica says she needs an exit strategy but Carmen is worried she’s going to end up a downloadable national joke. V says Carmen needs some dirt on Tad for a mutually assured destruction tactic. After nudging Carmen into seeing that Tad left her little choice, she tells her to invite him to the Neptune Boardwalk.
Veronica makes a stop at Weevil’s uncle’s junkyard since she’s having those car troubles. Weevil has also heard that the Kanes are offering money for Duncan’s return. Veronica asks if while he was B&Eing, he heard anything useful. He did, but wants 10% of the reward for his information, which concerns an old Impala Duncan bought. Veronica haggles him down to 8% and a free alternator. He agrees.
Cut to Veronica calling a license plate number into her father as Logan pulls up to pick her up. He jokes about it always being about business with her and drives away.
We join them again walking-while-kissing into the Echolls’ mansion. Logan says they have the house to themselves, which in TV speak means someone will be joining them shortly. He says Aaron has been taking lots of classes and his latest are for glass blowing. There is a kind of phallic looking glass sculpture up on the mantle behind them, meant to be an urn for Lisa Rinna, but filled with sea water since there was no body. From that awesome and chipper story, they start making out again, because dead mom stories are not enough to stop them. (S: After you so recently brought Fifty Shades of Ruined to this party, that sentence and its connotations are deeply upsetting. Everything is ruined forever and ever. Nothing can ever stay good again.) As they settle on the couch, Veronica wonders if they will ever be normal. Logan asks if she means going to the mall, holding hands and buying I Love You Berry Much teddy bears. Pretty much exactly, but Veronica wants her bear won, thank you very much. Logan says secrets are hot, though, and they fall back on the couch until…
AHEM says Aaron as he enters. Logan jumps up and Aaron awkwardly greets Veronica and explains that his class was cancelled and he picked up some swordfish and also he’s going to go now and plus there are chips if they want any. This would be endearing if Aaron weren’t an abusive dick. (D: +1) He leaves and Logan freaks out about being caught making out on the couch by his dad. Veronica freaks about being caught on the couch by a movie star. She excuses herself to go compose herself. As she’s exiting the bathroom, Aaron is letting Dick into the house. There is a shaggy headed smaller dude with him, who is introduced to us all as Beaver. Yes, friends, Dick’s little brother is nicknamed Beaver.
Diva: Nope. I cannot. I simply refuse.
Lor: Dick asks Logan if he blew surfing off to sit on the couch and do nothing, but then he spots Veronica’s messenger bag and asks if Logan has a chick over. Logan looks like a kicked puppy as he says the bag belongs to Trina. Aaron connects the dots, what with Logan’s lie and Veronica sneaking around the corner, away from the living room. In another surprisingly nice move, Aaron says he has to go take the bag to “Trina.” Logan wants to go with him, but Dick says no way. They have to talk about some upcoming trip to Mexico in the bro-iest way possible. Aaron takes the bag to Veronica and says that Logan is stuck. He offers her a ride home and she accepts.
In the car, Veronica says she’s embarrassed. Aaron tells her not to be. He wants to know how Logan is and Veronica carefully offers that she thinks Logan is “coming to terms.” Aaron is happy about that. He thinks about what a good kid Logan was and how difficult he became after Lilly died. Aaron doesn’t know what this relationship with Veronica is, but he says their secret is safe with him. As Veronica gets ready to climb out of the car, Aaron says he’s happy they are together because he likes what he sees in Logan when he’s with her. (S: Part of me wants to give him a fraction of a Sandy Cohen eyebrow for all this good fathering, but the bouts of severe abuse disqualify you from ever earning those illustrious eyebrows ever ever ever.) (L: Yep. Pretty sure he lasered them off.)
Veronica watches him drive away, VVOing that she guesses that after a talk with dad, this means her relationship is really off the ground. Just in time to see the end of Tad and Carmen.
Cut to said couple enjoying what appears to be a happy time on the boardwalk. Carmen hands Tad a drink, which he comments has a lot of vodka. They take pictures in a photo booth and then Carmen asks him to get a tattoo. Tad says that he doesn’t know what it is about Carmen that makes him go, “plumb loco.” At least crazy enough to say, “plumb loco.” Carmen asks him to do something really crazy– go talk to Seth, aka I Hate Prom Themes. Carmen says she heard he has the best X in school and she was thinking they could experiment together after prom. Tad kisses her and says this is why he loves her. He takes off after Seth and we see their interaction through the lens of Veronica’s camera, as she’s on hand to take picture of the exchange, which does look intimate if you didn’t know what was going on.
Sweeney: Life lesson: keep a safe distance between you and your dealer while buying drugs! The more you know!
Diva: Or, make out with your dealer, and no one will know you’re slyly committing a felony!
Lor: That night, Carmen, still in that damn pink cardigan, is at Veronica’s house. (D: And Veronica is wearing a teal velour sweatsuit because it’s still the early 2000s.) The next part of the plan involves Carmen calling Tad. She puts on her sexy voice and tells Tad that she had a great time. He wishes she were in his bed and also is super excited to experiment with her, and never brought it up before for fear of his parents and the naval academy. Having gotten what she needed she wishes him good night and hangs up. Veronica reminds her that they will meet for lunch the next day.
Veronica makes dinner as Keith rushes in and grabs his bag, taking a rain check on dinner. Veronica assumes that he’s off to see Ms. Fennell, but in fact, he has a lead on the car Duncan bought. He turns around and yells, “Yale baby!” on his way out. I love Keith.
Sweeney: That’s a man who deserves all the eyebrows for the rest of forever.
Diva: I thought he said “Yeah baby!” and it still made me happy. But this is even better.
Lor: Tijuana. Keith has tracked the car all the way to a motel where Duncan is nowhere to be found. Keith calls Veronica on his way back, presumably the next day, as she’s at school. He explains that Duncan abandoned the car outside of the bus station with a sign, in Spanish that said free car. Veronica asks if Keith will be home for dinner, but no, because parent sex.
Veronica finds Mac who is entertaining herself with a profile one of their teachers has up on a swingers site. Veronica asks her how long it will take her to make a, “thoroughly libelous, sexually explicit website.” Mac gives an estimate of 45 minutes and is in to help Veronica, alongside Seth I Hate Prom Themes, who appears right on cue.
Later, Veronica sits with a very concerned looking Carmen. Tad pauses when he sees them together. Veronica says she’s going to offer him a deal because his relationship with Carmen is over, effective immediately. Carmen jumps into her own break-up and says she doesn’t love him and won’t be blackmailed into it. Tad offers the classic douche line, “you made me do it!” and starts to threaten Carmen again, but Veronica cuts him off, saying she’ll hurt him worse. (S: It’s all very, “You made me abuse you!” – Christian Grey would be proud.) She opens her laptop and displays the website Mac made– an ode to Tad and Seth. It has the pictures Veronica took, photoshopped photo booth pictures and that phone conversation, now sans Carmen, add one Seth. (D: In a brilliant move, it also plays the song Tad wrote for Carmen. Which talks about rainbows.) Tad says he doesn’t care what people at Neptune think of him, since he’s gone in a month, but Veronica has gone as far as obtaining the email address of all his new naval academy classmates. Mutually assured destruction.
Diva: It does make me happy that today, they’d need to find a different way to get him kicked out of the naval academy, since Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed! But I bet the navy discovering that he videotaped an underage girl naked would do the job just fine.
Lor: True and fantastic.
After school, Veronica is waiting in line to climb on a school bus, but Logan is there sitting on the hood of the LeBaron. He had his dad’s driver pick it up from the shop. Veronica sits down next to him, trying to contain her swoon, and says she’s going to try and keep this gesture in mind while he’s off in Mexico with Dick and Beaver, scamming on cheerleaders. Logan is bailing on them because he has other plans. He invites Veronica to skip school so they can spend the day on his father’s boat. Veronica accepts and thinks it’s pretty cool of Aaron to let them use the boat. Logan says Aaron likes her and since he heard that stuff about her parents… Veronica perks up and asks what he’s referring to, but Logan is saved by Dick, who calls out to him. He quickly says it was just something Aaron read in the paper. He gives her the details of where to meet him and scurries off.
We cut to the police department where Cliff is telling a very testy client that he’s sure she has no idea what entrapment is. He gets a call from Veronica who asks why someone, like say a man, would run an add seeking the whereabouts of say, a woman. Cliff says it could be child support, civil suits or divorce. California law says you have to run a notice for 7 days before you can file for a divorce on grounds of abandonment. Cliff has to go because his client is now throwing things around.
Sweeney: This is a fun bit of continuity porn because his client is none other then Loretta Cancun from the pilot.
Lor: Veronica jumps online and looks through old newspapers to see the ad has been running six days. Taking matters into her own hands because she’s Veronica, she calls the newspaper and says she’s Keith Mars’s assistant and he no longer needs to run the ad. The guys says that’s fine but he’s going to need the account password to take it down. Of course.
That avenue closed to her, she decides to track he father’s cell phone and doesn’t even feel so bad about it because he did it first. (S: Boundaries, V. Learn about them.) The tracker leads her to a hotel, but she has no luck asking for any rooms under Mars or Fennell. I’m not sure what her action plan would’ve been if she did get a room number, but it’s scary to think of. On the way out, she hears some music and peaks into a room where there is some sort of ballroom dancing class going on. Keith and Alicia glide happily across the room. VVO concedes that her father is happy.
Diva: It should be noted that Keith and Alicia are wearing matching outfits, the better for us to visually see them as one gleeful ball of shiny lilac love and happiness. It’s fucking adorable.
Lor: The next day Veronica greets Carmen who is in a very good mood. That is until some random classmate stops her to ask if she’s hungry, see because he has a popsicle in his back pocket. That was a lot of preparation. I bet his pocket is nasty which he absolutely deserves for being a jerk.
In the hall, one of the Kenevils is watching the video and Weevil grabs the cellphone away from him angrily and demands to know where the video came from.
Veronica finds Carmen crying in a classroom. She’s still happy to be rid of Tad, though, and at least now there is no more waiting for the bomb to drop. Veronica takes out her laptop and says it’s time to fire back. Carmen considers it for a second, but eventually deletes the email of the Seth/Tad website. Veronica tries to push but Carmen says that tearing Tad down isn’t going to make her feel better and she isn’t one for revenge.
Sweeney: A reiteration of Meg’s half-in response to Veronica’s “get tough, get even” policy. I side with Veronica in just about everything, but I like these little reminders that her worldview is particularly cynical and unforgiving. The juxtaposition with characters like Carmen or Meg plays well.
Diva: Agreed. I wanted to humiliate Tad almost as badly as Veronica, but it was refreshing to see someone who really didn’t care about revenge.
Lor: Carmen leaves and Veronica hears the video playing again, this time at a computer just in front of here where two boys are watching enthusiastically. Veronica stomps over and tells them it’s all fun and games until they have her foot up their ass. They run away.
Something in the video catches Veronica’s eye: behind Carmen is a string of Chinese lanterns she recognizes. In fact, they are pretty much the only thing she remembers from Shelly Pomeroy’s party. We hazy flashback to Long Haired Veronica in her Pretty White Virginal Dress staggering through the party and plopping down on a lounge chair. VVO asks the connecting question: could it be possible that the night Carmen can’t remember is the same night Veronica was drugged and raped in a guest bedroom?
Diva: OHMYGOD. The Snow has been waiting so patiently for this plot line to come back and is FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. You all know I love Lilly backstory, but I want to solve the date rape crime just as badly as I want to solve Lilly’s murder.
Lor: Mars Investigations. Keith waits at Veronica’s desk in front of the open newspaper. He says he should’ve told her, but she says it’s his life. Serving notice was just a first step, but he says if he ever decides to take a next step, he’ll tell her. Keith goes into his office and Veronica takes a deep breath, just before Mac walks into the office and announces,”Roberto Nalbandion.” Veronica asks who that is, but Mac has no idea. She does know that someone purchased his Argentinian passport off of eBay. Keith walks back out and Veronica introduces him to Mac. He heard the thing about the passport and puts on an accent as he repeats, “Roberto Nalbandion.” And then he tangos back into his office.
Diva: SO CUTE. I mean, I consider my dad the cutest dad ever, but Keith is definitely in the top five.
Lor: Mac asks for her cut of the reward for finding Duncan and Veronica says she’ll get it. But now! Time for a new favor! This time, figuring out when the video of Carmen was taken. Mac gets to work and finds the video was taken on December 7, 2003. Veronica is stunned.
Kane Software. Alicia Fennell walks into a conference room to find none other than Clarence Wiedman. (D: It is unreasonably dark and creepy in this conference room. Evil things are clearly afoot.) He knows Alicia is seeing Keith and basically says that if she wants to keep her job, she has to stop seeing him. Alicia says she’s been a perfect employee, but mid-rant, Clarence cuts her off and holds up a small recording device. He found it in the house plant that’s been sitting in his office. And you remember who delivered it right? Wallace. Clarence repeats that she should really reconsider her relationship with Keith Mars.
Neptune High. Veronica’s at school early to turn in a report before cutting class for her date. And Tad is also at school early, but he’s taped up naked to the flag pole with the word scum written across his chest. You know, I admire that the bikers do this super early in the morning. That’s dedication.
Sweeney: They must be patronizing the West coast location of the same high school coffee shop the Liars frequent in their hours and hours of pre-class gossip!
Lor: Caffeine is key!
Tad assumes Veronica had something to do with the bikers putting him up there. She didn’t, but says she might be convinced to cut him down. Because he apparently likes hanging up on the flag pole, he calls Veronica a bitch and proceeds to tell her that she destroyed his life because she took away the only person he ever loved. Veronica asks what good sending the video did and Tad delivers the classic tremendodouche line, “who’s gonna want to touch her now? If I can’t have her, no one can.” (D: brb quick vomit break.) Veronica says he’s lucky because she would’ve taken him down with her. Veronica steps up on the ledge to get closer to him, and still hold her knife out demands to know who gave him the rohypnol the night of Shelly Pomeroy’s party. It wasn’t roofies though, it was GHB and it was Logan Echolls who gave it to him.
Womp.
Diva: NOOOOOOOOOOO! It took me forever to come around on Logan and now you give me THIS? #ALLTHEFEELS
Lor: Veronica walks around and Tad thinks she’s going to let him loose, but instead she just rips the gauze covering his new tattoo. It’s a huge heart with Seth in the middle. (D: BAHAHA.) She walks away.
Logan waits on his boat and checks his watch but Veronica is nowhere to be seen.
Diva: Meanwhile, I’m basically crying because “Crimson and Clover” is playing and this is one of my favorite songs of all time. My feels are out of control.
Lor: Happy kiss times didn’t last long. Good thing I gave you all those extra gifs.
Next time: Veronica is determined to find out what happened the night of Shelly’s party in Veronica Mars S01 E221 – A Trip to the Dentist.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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