Dawson’s Creek S01 E10 – Worst plan ever

Previously: Joey faked a pregnancy to teach a jock a lesson while Pacey and Dawson went on a roadtrip with Jen’s ex and did some major property damage along the way. Also, Savage Garden.
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Double Date

Kirsti: Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson mopes about the fact that Jen doesn’t want to hang out any more now that they’re exes and all. Because apparently when you dump someone, you should hang out with them all the time? IDEK. Joey “Voice of Reason” Potter informs him that it sounds like he doesn’t want to admit it’s over. She tells him there are three main areas to focus on in getting over Jen: 1. Public perception, 2. Prepare himself for Jen to date other people, 3. Having the inevitable “can we still be friends?” conversation with Jen. She asks what he’ll say in regards to #3, and he has no idea. He wants to be friends, but he also doesn’t because “how could you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them, all you think about is how much more you really want them.” Joey, inner pain poked with a stick, says that she thinks it can be done.

Democracy Diva: Dawson is fully aware that his best friend is in love with him and STILL SAYS SHIT LIKE THIS OUT LOUD TO HER. Because, as he will prove literally nonstop throughout this episode, he gives no shits about the feelings of others.

K: Accurate. He’s just the worst.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT.

After the credits, Mitch is having breakfast. He answers the phone and promptly hands it to Gail, who coldly tells the caller that they can discuss whatever it is at work and hangs up. Mitch, after noting that the caller’s voice sounded familiar, realises that it was Cheater Bob. Gail insists that it was work related, but Mitch gets pissed, basically threatening to beat the shit out of Cheater Bob if he calls again. He storms out. Meanwhile, I get distracted by Gail’s hair:

Diva: So true. We should’ve known Gail was a cheater since the pilot, based on the size of her hair alone.

K: No kidding.

Capeside High. Dawson bumps into Jen in the corridor and she asks him the inevitable awkward “can we still be friends?” question. He doesn’t answer, probably because his monstrous forehead is too busy reflecting the morning sun and warning ships in the Atlantic that Capeside and all its weirdness is nearby. (D: A+)

We cut to a science lab where Pacey asks Dawson how he answered the aforementioned question. Dawson says that he told Jen he needed time to think about it. Pacey tells Dawson that the quickest way to get Jen back is to prove that he’s over her, which is some kind of weird troll logic that makes no sense, but whatever.

A random girl named Mary Beth who I recognise from That One Time She Got Killed By Angelus And They Thought Oz Did It approaches and makes small talk with Dawson. (D: The number of guest stars on this show who have also killed or been killed on Buffy is reaching astronomical proportions.) (K: I know! I’m kind of impressed.) He’s douchily noncommital, and she leaves. Pacey resumes his ramble, saying that getting Jen back is a two part attack, and the first part is to fake total indifference to make her not feel special. Dawson asks what part two is, but Pacey’s interrupted by the arrival of the biology teacher, who says that everyone except Pacey did great on their midterms. Womp womp.

Cut to after class and Pacey staring mopily at the F on his midterm. The teacher says that he knows Pacey’s bright because he checked his standardised test scores in the guidance office. He wants Pacey to do an extra credit project, and in exchange he’ll scrape a pass. Said project will need to be worked on after school and during free periods, and requires the assistance of a student from another class. Joey walks in, and the biology teacher says “Joey, I’d like you to meet your new lab partner.” Joey and Pacey are all “LOL NOPE” on account of they hate each other, you guys, they just hate each other so much. I stop to giggle because there’s a diagram of a snail on the blackboard, and the word ANUS is right next to the teacher’s head:

Diva: Excellent perception skills, K. These are the details the public needs to know about.

K: Absolutely! ANYWAY. Pacey calls Joey a control freak, she calls him an underachiever, they both sulk and the teacher’s all “GO HAVE FUN, KIDS!”

Out in the hall, Dawson approaches Jen. He says he’d love to be friends, and she’s relieved. He wants to prove it by having a conversation about their respective days. He asks if she has plans for the weekend, and she awkwards. He says he can take it, whatever it is, and she reluctantly tells him that she has a date with Cliff (D: YAY JAKE BALLARD IS BACK) to go to the carnival. He laughs in a crazy person way and says that he, too, has a date to the carnival that weekend. Jen says that she and Cliff can go somewhere else on their date, but Dawson says it’s fine and they should look on it as an opportunity for a double date. DUDE, NO. Jen’s face agrees with me:

She reluctantly agrees – probably because Dawson has insane crazy eyes during this entire conversation and she fears for her life – and he says he’ll see her on Saturday before scampering away. The minute she’s out of sight, he looks like a kicked puppy. Fade to black.

Diva: Dawson’s insane crazy eyes are convincing me that he truly believes he now has a date with Jen on Saturday. You know, BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY.

K: Probably not far off.

After a Not Commercial Break, Pacey and Dawson are in the cafeteria. Pacey reveals that part two of his Get-Jen-Back plan was for Dawson to date other people, so this has just accelerated the schedule a little. And, you know, also made it a double date. Dawson points out that his date is currently fictional, but Pacey assures him it’s not a problem because lots of girls would like to date a douchecanoe with a massive forehead and slut shaming issues Spielberg fan. He points to Mary Beth, who’s sitting alone and reading Fear of Flying, a novel Wikipedia has just informed me is about female sexuality and is apparently a feminist classic. LOL. Dawson Leery on a date with a feminist. HILAR.

Diva: I read Fear of Flying in college, so my notes on this scene read, “Mary Beth is clearly a neurotic feminist. Join the club, Mary Beth! Also, RUN AWAY FROM DAWSON.”

K: An excellent plan.

ANYWAY. Dawson sits down next to Mary Beth and asks her out. She’s all “Didn’t you just break up with Jen?” and he insists that he’s totally over her and ready to date. Mary Beth smiles at him.

Diva: He insists he’s telling the truth like four times. Dawson, you leave the poor innocent neurotic feminist out of this. She is not a fucking character in the movie of your life; she’s an actual human person with thoughts and emotions. And you are a dick.

K: ACCURATE. Biology lab. Joey stares at a snail and takes notes while Pacey bitches about having to be there. He wants to know what their project even is, and Joey info dumps at us. It boils down to them having to make the snails happy so they’ll make baby snails. Pacey suggests booze and turning out the lights, and Joey points out that if they don’t succeed, he’ll be heading to summer school. He scoffs that only morons go to summer school, and Joey sasses that his current grades make him head moron.

Leery Manor. Dawson is painting a movie prop (I’m not certain, but it looks like teeth) under a magnifying glass. Mitch walks in and asks if anyone’s called in the past day or so. Dawson says there haven’t been any calls for him, and Mitch replies in a creepily intense way “I didn’t ask if anyone had called for me personally. I asked you if anyone had called that I should know about.”

Diva: The doucheface apple does not fall far from the doucheface apple tree.

K: Very true. Dawson looks taken aback, then says that Cheater Bob hasn’t phoned. Mitch smiles and leaves. Dawson sad pandas.

Capeside High, the next morning. Joey and Pacey’s snails are dead. Womp womp. It’s all Pacey’s fault, apparently, because he was meant to check on them before he went home. He tells her that he did check on them, and he decided that maybe the snails weren’t doing anything because they weren’t attracted to each other. Maybe the snails wanted to have a threesome. File this next moment under “Things I never thought I would be writing on the internet”:

Joey: “So, let me get this straight. You tried to create some kind of snail ménage-à-trois.”
Pacey: “Well, it sounds kind of stupid when you say it out loud…”

He goes on to say that he saw another pretty snail in a tank near the window, so he put that in the tank too. Joey eyerolls and informs him that the pretty snail was carnivorous, which explains not only the death of their snails, but the absence of corpses. Pacey apologises and says he’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to her.

Cut to Joey’s house. She tells Dawson that she’s disappointed he’s using Mary Beth to make Jen jealous. He says he’s “filled with guilt of the worst kind” over it, and Joey tells him to cancel. He insists that he can’t, despite his superduper guilt, because he doesn’t feel like himself. She tells him that his “jerkism” is understandable but he shouldn’t make a habit of it because he’s one of the good ones. I laugh and laugh because LOL NOPE. He wishes she were going on his double date, and she tells him she wishes the same. Pacey pulls up, and Joey grabs fishing nets and rubber boots as she informs Dawson that she and Pacey are going to the tidal pool to look for replacement snails. She heads out and Dawson rolls his eyes.

Diva: This scene drove me absolutely nuts. Joey says what we’re all thinking, which is, if you’re aware that you’re doing a very shitty thing by lying to her, WHY ARE YOU STILL LYING TO HER? And his answer is “uhh, because I’m not myself,” which is what people say when they mean “uhh, because I give no shits about the feelings of others and am just a sad and selfish little boy.”

K: A+, Diva. A-freaking-plus.

Carnival of Awkward Date Times. Dawson meets Mary Beth, and it’s awkward. Things goes from bad to worse when Jen and Cliff turn up and it’s apparent that Dawson hadn’t informed Mary Beth about the double date with his ex-girlfriend thing. (D: THIS IS BORDERLINE SOCIOPATHIC BEHAVIOR, DAWSON.) She pulls him to one side and explains that he’s a douche for asking her out when he’s clearly still in love with Jen and also for the double date thing and also for existing. Maybe I just added that last one myself. Anyway, Mary Beth demands the truth. Dawson starts to fill her in and we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Pacey and Joey are rowing to the tidal basin. They snark about how this is the worst way EVER to spend a Saturday, then Pacey demands to know what Joey’s grade was that she got stuck doing extra credit with him. She gets cagey. Cut back to the Carnival of Deceit. Mary Beth decides that Dawson’s a sweetie, because apparently his explanation was that Jen asked him to make it a double date because she didn’t want to be alone with Cliff. DAWSON LEERY, YOU ARE A LYING LIAR WHO LIES. Just then, he spots Cliff winning a stuffed toy dog for Jen, and decides it’s time to rejoin them.

Snails and Sassiness Expedition. On the water’s edge, Joey grabs the required snails before saying that the tide is coming in and they should probably leave. Then her face falls as she spots their boat floating downstream because Pacey forgot to tie it up. The Guitar of Pacey’s An Adorable Doofus does its thing.

Diva: I get a kick out of Pacey doing stupid shit and Joey getting mad at him for it. It’s a simple but delicious recipe, mostly because as long as Joshua Jackson is not being statutorily raped by his English teacher, I’m pretty much in love with everything he does. 

K: Agreed.

Carnival of Douchery. Dawson and Cliff are competing at that thing where you have to throw a ball and knocks down bottles. Cliff wins and hands Jen a stuffed toy lion. Mary Beth pissily suggests that they ride the ferris wheel, but Dawson’s douchey competitive side has emerged and he demands a rematch. He wins the rematch and celebrates way too hard, then goes to hand the stuffed animal he just won to Jen. Awwwwwwkard. Then he turns to Mary Beth and says they need to talk. NO SHIT, DOUCHEFACE.

Tidal Basin. Pacey and Joey wade through the chest deep water. He assures her that the boat will wash ashore eventually, but she has no fucks to give about the boat when she’s busy trying not to freeze to death. They bitch at each other some more, and we’re treated to a shot of the sun sinking lower in the sky. Cut to a different part of the basin. Pacey and Joey struggle out of the water and over to his truck. He grabs a couple of blankets from the truck and hands her one, telling her to strip out of her wet clothes so she doesn’t get pneumonia. She’s convinced it’s a plan to see her naked, and he eyerolls before demanding that neither of them peek at the other.

They head to opposite sides of the truck to change. Pacey takes about two seconds to get undressed and into his blanket. He takes a step towards Joey, and she death stares him, saying that if he takes one more step, she’ll give him a permanent disability. He backs off and says he’ll start the car. Bryan Adams’ “I Wanna Be Your Underwear” starts up as he jumps in the truck and spots Joey in the rear view mirror. Apparently in North America, the song they used for this scene was Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One”, which is much sweeter and a lot less creepy. Sucks to be the rest of the world…

Diva: Netflix did NOT play “I’m the Only One,” which is a shame, because THAT SONG IS MY JAM, Y’ALL. And yeah, it definitely would have brought some much-needed sweetness to a scene that was supposed to be equal parts sweet and creepy. Sweepy, if you will. (But you won’t, because that’s stupid.) 

K: Creet, perhaps??

Anyway, Pacey smiles fondly, then opens the door for Joey. He stares at her a little as she gets in, and she wants to know why he thinks her ridiculous, blanket-clad appearance is hilarious. He insists that it’s because when she loosens up, she’s pretty fun to be around. Joey looks confused for a second, then smiles at him. I have thousands upon thousands of future feels, because of reasons.

Diva: I only a little bit remember the future so mostly I’m just excited because LET’S HAVE ALL THE SCENES WITH PACEY AND NONE WITH DAWSON KTHANKSBAI. #PaceysCreek

  K: I am totally on board with getting rid of Dawson and calling it Pacey’s Creek. TOTALLY ON BOARD.

Carnival of Terrible Decisions. Mary Beth sits on the boot of a car, eating popcorn. Dawson walks up and says that he owes her an explanation. He says that he’s not over Jen, and he’s on the worst double date ever to try and get her back. Mary Beth calls him a nice guy (but I’m pretty sure she means Nice Guy) and says that she only went out with him because she felt sorry for him. LOLOLOLOLOL. He asks what it was that upset her if she doesn’t care about him still having feelings for Jen, and she reveals that she has a crush on Cliff. This is officially the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. (D: +1)

Anyway, Mary Beth says that the way Cliff looked at Jen during the dick measuring ball throwing competition was what made her realise she didn’t stand a chance. She tells Dawson he doesn’t stand a chance either, because Jen looked at Cliff the same way. Dawson joins her on the Car Boot of Moping. She tells him that they can still help each other out. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, the four of them are in the queue for the Ferris wheel. When their turn comes, Mary Beth snags Cliff and drags him into a bucket with her, because “we’ve hardly chatted all night!“. Jen and Dawson look at each other awkwardly. Joey’s house. Pacey thanks her for the dry clothes, then asks her again what her midterm grade was. She doesn’t answer, and he tells her that he got a 32. After he starts guessing random numbers, she reveals that she got a 98. He’s hella confused (LEGIT), and she tells him that her life – sleeping on her sister’s sofa and having no social life because she’s too busy working (and, you know, having movie nights at Dawson’s?!?!) – sucks balls.

Her only way out of Capeside, she says, is college. And her only way to get to college is a full scholarship. So she needs perfect grades. She tears up a little at the prospect of not getting out of Capeside. He walks over to join her and reassures her: “Not to worry, Jo. You’ll make it out of here. You’ll go to a great school and send me postcards back here. I’ll be tending bar or pumping gas…” She tells him that he’ll make it out too and they smile at each other. The music gets slightly sappy as he says this:

Awwwww. BRB, having more feels about the future.

Ferris Wheel of Awkwardness. Jen gives one word answers in response to Dawson’s questions about whether she’s having a good time, then gets understandable cranky when the wheel stops with them at the top. In the next bucket down, there’s awkward silence. Mary Beth tries to make conversation, but fails spectacularly. Dawson asks Jen how things are going with Cliff, and she says it’s just a date but she doesn’t want to talk about it with her ex-boyfriend because OMG WEIRD. She says she wants to retract her offer of friendship as a result. He gets slut shame-y again, then insists that he’s not insulting her. Bitch, please.

Diva: The classic Dawson Leery move: slut-shaming, and then immediately pretending that he was just being a perfect gentleman. I want to punch this kid in the face so badly, you guys.

K: Can we nominate ourselves for next year’s IN THE FACE award??

Dawson goes on to say that the reason he’s there – crashing her date – is because when she broke up with him, she said that there were too many dudes in her life and she wanted to be alone. And yet here she is on a date with someone else. He wants to know why she didn’t just tell the truth and say that she was tired of him. She insists that it’s not true, but Dawson tells her to look in his eyes and say that. She tears up and says she can’t. He says that she asked him two questions earlier, and he wants to answer them. He’s there, he says, because he can’t let her go, and she let him come because she’s not over him either. She looks at him tearfully, and the Ferris wheel starts to move again.

Cut to Dawson sitting alone on a bench, brooding. He spots Pacey and Joey, all buddy buddy, and asks what they’re doing there. Pacey tells Dawson that he needs to talk to him about something, and pulls him off behind the carousel, leaving Joey standing by herself and looking confused. Once they’re alone, Pacey says he needs to ask Dawson’s permission for something. Over the course of the snail project, he says, he’s come to see Joey as a friend. And more than a friend. Dawson starts laughing because he’s the worst: “You have the hots for Joey? Pacey, what are you like inhaling too many laugh chemicals? You and Joey are mortal enemies!”

Pacey insists that he’s serious, and Dawson wants to know why he needs permission. Pacey sighs and says that Dawson and Joey have “this long tortured subtext” and he doesn’t want to step on any toes. Dawson says he’s fine with it, and Pacey grins and heads back towards Joey. But Dawson gets bitchface and calls out, saying that he’s changed his mind. Pacey turns back, but by the time he reaches Dawson, Dawson’s insisting that he’s fine with it again. (D: I know you’re like fifteen, but GROW UP.) I have so many mixed feelings about this scene. Because the asking permission part is gross. But Pacey and Joey are my OTP to end all OTPs… SIGH. Anyway, Pacey walks away, and Dawson resumes brooding on his own.

Cut to Pacey dropping Joey home. He walks her to the door, asking if they can do this again. She says they still have to write up their snail report, and he tells her that wasn’t quite what he had in mind. She asks what he meant, and he kisses her.

DUDE, NO. I mean, OTP to end all OTPs, but NO. ASK FIRST. Joey agrees with me. She shoves Pacey away and demands to know what the fuck he’s doing. “Well, if I have to explain myself, it really didn’t have the desired effect…” he replies, a little sadly.

Joey asks him why he’d kiss her, and he says he had a great time with her, that it exceeded all his expectations and he was surprised and confused and attracted to her. She tells him that she was surprised and confused too, but not so much the third one. Womp womp. She apologises, and he says it’s fine and he’s used to rejection and I just want to hug him because he looks like a kicked puppy. Joey looks a little sad, and tells him that she had a nice time as she heads inside. He stops her, and says “By some slim chance, that you’d actually kissed me back, you’d be probably thinking of somebody else, right?” She doesn’t answer him, and walks into the house.

Cut to the Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson broods on his bed, then gets up and rushes downstairs. He sees his parents slow dancing and the phone starts ringing. Mitch tells Gail to ignore it. Dawson heads to the video store where Pacey is working, and tells him that he’s changed his mind again. Pacey pleads ignorance, then says that Dawson’s too late – he’s already kissed Joey. And she kissed him back. And they made out for an hour. And Joey’s cooking him dinner tomorrow night. And they’re going to a B&B for some quality time that weekend. Dawson smirks and tells Pacey that he’s full of shit. “Yes I am. And so are you,” Pacey replies. He tells Dawson that he needs to sort his shit out and choose: is it Jen he likes? Or Joey? Dawson scoffs a little, then has a revelatory OH SHIT PACEY’S RIGHT moment as we fade to black.

I’m torn on this episode. Because OTP TO END ALL OTPS ADORABLENESS. But then Dawson…

Diva: I kinda love this episode, because the Pacey-realizing-he’s-into-Joey-as-she-gets-naked-next-to-a-truck scene is a little bit iconic for me. But it would have been better if Melissa Etheridge was playing. Everything in life is better when Melissa Etheridge is playing.

K: Truth.

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: it’s Friday the 13th, so Dawson takes advantage of it to be a douchecanoe. You know, just for a change. Find out more in S01 E11 – The Scare.