Dawson’s Creek S01 E12 – Pretty Woman Lite

Previously: Kevin Williamson did a horror movie episode, and it was kind of like watching him jerk off…
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Beauty Contest

Kirsti: It’s finally here!! The episode that every Dawson’s Creek viewer – casual or devoted – remembers from season 1. NGL, I *may* have bribed Diva to let me do the first recap solely so that this episode fell to me…

Democracy Diva: And I may have agreed begrudgingly because THIS EPISODE, YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST/WORST/EVERYTHING-EST.

K: EXACTLY.

We open, once again, in the Shrine o’ Spielberg where Dawson is watching a program about ladybird sex. Ew. Joey’s all “DUDE, NO”, but he tells her that it’s for biology class. Uh huh. He wonders aloud how insects know which insect they’re attracted to, and Joey says that unlike humans, it’s all down to instinct. Humans, she says, base their attractions on whatever the media is telling them is attractive at present. Dawson disagrees, because he’s the worst. He says that animal instinct must play a part in her finding guys attractive, and Joey awkwards.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT.

After the credits, the gang are at the Icehouse. Dawson’s all excited because he’s going to make his debut as a real cameraman, covering a beauty contest at the local yacht club that’s designed to bring in some last minute tourists before winter hits. Joey Potter, social justice warrior, (D: A+) drops by to bus their table and also to talk about how the pageant is designed to be won by the rich and that’s it’s racist and sexist. Pacey wants to know if there’s a swimsuit contest. Jen says that she used to be in pageants when she was too young to protest. Dawson tells her she should enter on account of how she’s smoking hot and stuff. (D: But he manages to say all of this in a slightly offensive-sounding way, because, you know, he’s Dawson.) (K: Obvs.) Joey sad pandas and walks away. Jen sassily tells him to enter, despite the news that first prize is $5,000 and a trip to New York.

Jen leaves and Pacey tells Dawson to get over his failed relationship. But no – apparently winning Jen back has turned into a hobby for Dawson. YAY.

Inside, Joey mopes about how tips are drying up as the tourists leave town. Jen randomly changes the subject to the fact that they should be friends now that they don’t both like Dawson any more. Joey’s reluctant, but accepts.

At school the next day, everyone is wearing sleeveless shirts and GODDAMMIT. SEASONS. Pacey rants about how his father gave him a lecture about being an underachiever, complete with “Why can’t you be more like your brother Doug?” Dawson says Pacey can crash at Leery Manor, but Pacey says he was thinking of something more permanent. Dawson scoffs, but Pacey says sadly that his dad said he’ll sign the emancipation papers whenever Pacey wants. Dawson looks horrified. Poor Pacey. He really does have a super shitty family. (D: This makes me the saddest. #paceyfeels)

Anyway, he’s been looking at apartments but can’t afford the $250 a month rent on his video store salary. (Meanwhile, I’d be lucky to get a decent room in a share house for less than $200 A WEEK in Melbourne.) He wishes he could enter the beauty pageant, but Dawson says it’s girls only.

Cafeteria. Jen tells Joey that she’s one of the prettiest girls in school, and Joey cringes because SOME OF US HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE COMPLIMENTS, OKAY? Joey insists that she’s not pretty, but Jen says she should enter the pageant. I, meanwhile, get distracted by the fact that there was a piece of fluff stuck to the tape when they digitised this stuff and it’s floating around on Joey’s face. Jen mentions the $5,000 prize and Joey suddenly looks rather thoughtful.

Diva: All that money for one night of her life, Jen tells her. That’s what all the pimps say at first, Joey. Beware. 

K: Legit, girl.

Rich White Men Yacht Club. Jen marches Joey up to the registration desk to get entry forms. At the registration desk, they find Pacey arguing with the organisers, saying that there’s nothing in the rules saying that you have to be female to enter. Dawson grins in the background. Jen grabs the forms and pulls Joey to one side to fill them out. Dawson follows, thrilled about Pacey’s entry because it means his story might go from vague mention to feature on the news.

Diva: Brief rant: Dawson says a girl recently successfully sued the school to be on the football team, but credits Pacey with “blowing the gender gap wide open” because, you know, he used the word unconstitutional and raised his voice to an old lady. That’s totally the same as that girl who likely went through years of litigation and notoriety and  humiliation from the small-minded townies, right? I love that Pacey’s entering the pageant, but it’s just so very Dawson to credit him with revolutionizing feminism, and not the female football player. /endrant

K: Dawson Leery is the fucking worst.

He tells Jen he’s pleased to see she took his advice about entering the pageant, but she replies that she’s only there as a coach.

“Who are you coaching?” Dawson asks, because apparently he’s dumb as a box of hammers and can’t see Joey filling in the paperwork a foot away. Jen leaves to go watch Pacey embarrass himself and Dawson scoffs at the idea of Joey entering the pageant. “Oh, I see. You think I’m such a barking car chaser that a D student with a Julius Caesar haircut has a better shot than me? Thanks a lot…” she replies, and I laugh and laugh because OH MY GOD THEY ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGED PACEY’S SHITTY CAESAR HAIRCUT! Joey says that she needs the money for college, and Dawson replies that he’d never laugh at her despite the fact that he LITERALLY JUST DID. She informs him of this fact and walks away, leaving him to think about his life choices as we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, all the contestants stare at Pacey, who’s got a shit eating smirk on his face:

Diva: This irresistibly charming smirk is the probably the reason that Joshua Jackson now gets to sleep with Diane Kruger. 

K: Truth.

The smirk changes when a girl who looks like she just escaped from Heathers walks in. All the girls rush over to greet her, then she and Pacey engage in a sass-off. It turns out she’s some rich Capeside girl who now attends a fancy boarding school in Connecticut. Her name is Hannah, but I’m going to continue calling her Heather because it fits. Heather refers to Pacey as a “pre-op transexual,” which makes me cringe, (D: +1) and he starts to sass in response but they’re interrupted by Head Pageant Bitch, welcoming them to the orientation and glaring at Pacey as she says that the rule book will be rewritten after the pageant. Heather asks what Pacey’s going to do for the talent section, then sasses away leaving him looking slightly panicky.

Chez Grams. Jen’s training Joey to walk in heels and a skirt, and it’s ridiculous because she’s making her walk with a book on her head. Given that I once slouched my way down three flights of stairs with a book on my head, allow me to tell you that balancing a book on your head does jackshit for your posture. Joey demands to know why Jen’s helping her given her bitch-tastic attitude towards Jen thus far, and Jen says it’s because she’s never had a close female friend before and she feels like she’s been missing out.

Leery Manor. Pacey sings New York, New York for Dawson and a very confused Mitch. He only gets a few bars in before Mitch interrupts and asks if he has any other talents. Dawson says that their bigger problem is the evening wear. Pacey jokes about wearing one of his sister’s bridesmaids dresses, but Dawson tells him to take it seriously so he can win so that Dawson’s story will end up on CNN and he’ll be a real boy. Or something.

Diva: Unless CNN could figure out a way to connect this story to the missing Malaysian airplane, I don’t think there’s a shot in hell that they’d pick up this story.

K: Maybe they were desperate for stories in 1998?

Chez Grams. Joey stares out the window towards Leery Manor, and asks Jen what’s going on with her and Dawson. Jen says that they’re just trying to work things out, then asks what’s going on with Joey and Dawson. Joey scoffs and says that Dawson will never see her as anything other than the gawky girl who lives down the creek. Jen sad pandas on Joey’s behalf.

Back at Leery Manor, Dawson asks Pacey what the deal is with Joey’s weird attitude of late, saying that he misses her. “Oh, at last, the moment of truth. Well, thank God, Dawson. Maybe we can all go home now!” Pacey says. Dawson says that Joey’s like his sister and it would be verging on Lannister territory to see her as anything else. “So what you’re saying is you don’t want her but you don’t want anybody else to have her either?” Pacey asks. Dawson doesn’t reply, but his face says “YES. EXACTLY.”

Rich White Men Yacht Club, the next day. Dawson conducts pre-interviews as the contestants practice their talents nearby. Pacey’s apparently decided to do a magic act. Heather walks up to sass him some more, and I’m so glad I named her Heather because this outfit screams Heathers:

Diva: She is the Heatheriest of Heathers. Accurate nickname is accurate.

K: Anyway, he says they should give into their sexual tension, and she’s all “EW”. He reminds her that she stood him up in the 6th grade, and DUDE. Get over it. She asks why he’s doing the pageant given that he’s never going to win, and he says that it’ll all be worth it if he can take even one vote away from her and make her feel like a loser.

Dawson’s now interviewing Joey, who would clearly like to be anywhere else ever. He asks where she sees herself in five years, and the answer is basically “As far away from Capeside as possible”. Dawson’s shocked because he thought when she said she wanted to leave Capeside, she was talking about Boston. “There must be things that you’ll miss. I mean, family, friends…” he says. Joey replies that everything changes eventually.

      The Tinkly Piano of Feels does its thing as she walks away and Dawson stares mopily after her.

After a Not Commercial Break, Head Pageant Bitch welcomes a bunch of rich people to the pageant. Backstage, Jen is doing Joey’s hair and make up, telling her to put Vaseline on her teeth. “Wait a second. I have to smile? You never said anything about smiling…” Joey complains, and I giggle because it’s so completely ridiculous.

Off in a storage closet, Dawson helps Pacey with his waistcoat. Pacey has a little panicky moment, and Dawson assures him that he has “testicles of steel for doing this.” Thanks for that wholly unnecessary mental image, Dawson… *shudder* Waistcoat sorted, Dawson hands Pacey some Vaseline on Gail’s advice.

Sometime later, Head Pageant Bitch introduces the evening wear portion of the evening. The contestants parade across the stage and some of their outfits are the most ridiculous stuff of EVER:

Diva: Pageant wear is ridiculous as a rule. Pageant wear from the 90s? OH MY GOD IT’S SO BAD IT’S AMAZING.

K: I didn’t show you guys Heather’s outfit because I couldn’t find a good photo of it, but rest assured, it’s equally ridickity.

Joey comes on in a brown velvet dress with her hair up in a French roll, and the String Orchestra of Revelatory Moments does its thing as Dawson peers through the video camera and realises that Joey is smoking hot. Jen watches from the side of the stage, and a tuxedo-clad Pacey suggests that maybe “Cinderella’s fairy godmother did her job a little too well.” Dawson stares dreamily at Joey, and Jen’s face falls. Pacey heads up on stage to massive cheers from the crowd, and he’s completely adorable:

Diva: That gif is indisputable proof that this show should have been called Pacey’s Creek.

K: No kidding.

That throws us into a montage of the contestants doing their talents and interviews as Goldfinger’s Superman plays. Pacey’s interview is kind of hilarious: “I would tell the world’s leaders that a society that chooses war and death over the preservation of life can not possibly succeed or thrive. And I guess if that didn’t work I’d just tell them I had dirty photos of them, yeah?” Afterwards, he heads over to the judges’ table and asks Gail how she’s doing. She tells him he’s hilarious but has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning. He’s shocked that he’s not even in the running, and Gail tells him that the yacht club would rather burn to the ground than give the title to a dude. Pacey says that’s unfair, and Gail informs him that beauty pageants aren’t exactly known for their fairness.

AND THEN. The moment we’ve all been waiting for: Joey’s talent. Backstage, she panics to Jen that she’s never sung in front of people before, but Jen shoves her on stage. Dawson joins Jen backstage, and congratulates her on making Joey superhot. She tells him that she and Joey are finally friends, which is awesome, but she misses being friends with him. And also being more than friends with him. But Dawson’s completely and utterly distracted by Joey, who’s murdering Les Mis. I’m sorry, but I have to give you this in video form, because of reasons.

I really need to know if that’s Katie Holmes’ actual singing voice or if they told her to sing like a tipsy fifteen year old girl. Because seriously. It’s fucking awful. And really rushed. And pitchy as hell. It’s just bad, you guys. Really bad. Anyway, Dawson and the crowd applaud like they’ve never heard anyone sing before.

Diva: I am a lifelong musical theater devotee and have heard every random girl in the universe sing this song. Joey’s rendition is uncommonly terrible. The first half is a straight-up baby voice, and the second half is just the whiniest thing in the universe. This is one of the most cringe-worthy scenes in TV history for me. 

K: And yet, strangely, one of the most memorable…

Dawson rushes backstage to get Pacey, who promptly drops all the cards for his magic tricks. Pacey asks Dawson if he ever thought he might win, and Dawson’s all “LOL NOPE.” Pacey thinks that’s awesome because now he can tell all the rich yacht club people how much they suck. Dawson begs him not to do something stupid, so of course we cut to Head Pageant Bitch informing the audience that Pacey’s made a last minute change to his talent and will now be doing a dramatic interpretation. That’s Pacey’s cue to walk on stage, face painted blue and Terrible Scottish Accent in place, doing a Braveheart impersonation. Not gonna lie, you guys, this is the exact moment that Teenage!Kirsti fell in love with Pacey Witter. (D: +1 TIMES INFINITY)

Backstage, Joey hears Heather telling some other girls about how Joey’s all gross and poor and lives with her unmarried, baby-having sister and black boyfriend, and how if she wins it’ll be because she’s a charity case. Dawson comes into the room in time to hear the end of it, and when Joey goes to leave the pageant, he stops her and tells her leaving now means the rich bitches win. He tells her that the only reason they’re talking shit about her is because they’re scared she’ll win.

Joey insists that she doesn’t want their snobby rich people money, but Dawson tearily tells her that he’s super proud of her for singing terribly in front of half the town. Joey smiles at him, and we cut to her on stage answering her final question, which is about offering words of advice to today’s youth, a truly hilarious question to ask a sixteen year old girl. Joey replies that she’d tell today’s youth not to judge on face value and that being rich doesn’t make you a worthwhile human being. She looks at Heather as she says that, and Heather looks pissed. Basically, Joey tells people not to sell out and not to be a judgey bitch because you might miss out on meeting your best friend. Gail tears up behind her enormous hair as Joey smiles at Dawson.

After a Not Commercial Break, it’s time for the results. Heather is second runner up, and wins two tickets to a matinee theatre performance. LOL. She is not well pleased. Joey’s declared first runner up, winning herself “a free day of beauty at Betty’s Hair Barn.” Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like a punishment rather than a prize. And also like you’d come out with a set and a blue rinse… The winner is a girl who’s postponing attendance at Julliard so she can join the Peace Corps. (D: The qualified girl actually won? I can’t believe it!) She tears up as the ugly tiara is put on her head. The girls parade offstage, Joey rolling her eyes at Dawson as she does so.

Outside on the docks, Dawson and Gail find Joey standing alone. Gail tells Joey that she was amazing and she should be super proud of herself, despite not winning. She offers them a lift home, but Dawson says they can walk. Gail bids them both goodnight. After she’s gone, Dawson tells Joey that he’s speechless for the first time ever. He takes her hand, and offers her his jacket. Jen watches sadly from the dock, then walks away.

Dawson leads Joey to a bench and they sit down. For someone who’s speechless, he sure has a lot to say: “I looked at you tonight, and I, and I, it was like you came completely out of your shell. There was like this total new found confidence that just seemed to burst from you. And I know what it must have taken for you to get up and do that tonight. God, look at you.” Joey laughs a little, and he tells her that his palms are sweaty. HAWT. He goes on to say that seeing her tonight was like seeing her for the first time. She looks away, and says it’s not right. She thought this was what she wanted – for him to see her as beautiful – but it feels like a lie. She feels like when he sees her without the make up and the fancy hair, he won’t want her any more.

Diva: If it takes the attention of a fucking panel of beauty pageant judges to get a boy’s attention, he is probably not a boy worth having.

K: TRUTH.

Dawson’s confused, and says that they can’t go back to the way things were before. “Dawson, you’ve had a lifetime to process your feelings for me. And I can’t spend the rest of mine hoping that you might throw a general glance in my direction in between all your torture-teen romances with whatever Jen Lindley rolls around next,” Joey replies. She smiles sadly at him, then turns and walks away.

Elsewhere on the docks, Pacey finds Heather sad panda-ing. He tells her that he can offer loser pointers if she needs them. She scoffs and says that the rest of her family are hella high achievers, and she can’t even win a beauty pageant in Capeside. He’s shocked to learn that rich people have problems too, and they bond over their black sheep tendencies.

Leery Manor. Dawson mopes alone in the garden. Jen joins him and tells him that she wants to get back together because she didn’t give their relationship a real chance. Dawson’s all “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” and she says that she’s serious. He tells her that now isn’t a great time because he needs to work some stuff out. She sadly says that he knows where to find her if he changes his mind, and walks away, leaving him with a “TWO GIRLS LIKE ME WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!” expression. Joey’s horrible rendition of On My Own starts up again as we cut to Joey brushing out her hair. (D: WHY? WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS TWICE?!) Then we cut back to Dawson looking moony. Back to Joey, who gathers her hair up like it was for the pageant. Back to Dawson, who smiles a little tearily as he realises that he has feelings for Joey. Back to Joey who stares at her reflection for a second and then grins happily as we fade to black.

I have a completely irrational love for this episode. Because it’s utterly terrible thanks to Joey’s singing and Jen grovelling to Dawson at the end. But also completely fabulous thanks to Pacey and the ridiculous evening wear and Jen and Joey being friends and, most of all, for being one of a handful of episodes that immediately springs to mind when anyone mentions Dawson’s Creek.

Diva: I could not agree more. Pacey’s Scottish accent wins the entire episode for me.

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Joey has a big decision to make in the season finale! Find out what she decides in S01 E13 – Decisions.