Previously: Pacey got frosted tips, and we all laughed at him. Also, probably some Dawson/Joey stuff happened, but we only care about Pacey.
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Crossroads
Democracy Diva: Shrine O’Spiel-BLERG THEY’RE MAKING OUT EW EW EW. Will I ever be able to watch Dawson and Joey kiss without recoiling in disgust? Probs not. Anyway, the bedroom door opens and a hand very creepily reaches inside to shut off the television.
Kirsti: SO CREEPY OMG. And also, no. You will never be able to watch Dawson kiss ANYONE without recoiling in disgust. Or maybe that’s just my experience…
Diva: This is shot to look sort of like a horror movie, because Kevin Williamson is the worst, but it’s actually just Dawson’s parents catching him in a horizontal tonsil-hockey tournament with the girl who’s been sleeping in his bed for the last fifteen years. Dawson: “You remember Joey, right?” Alright, show. That was almost funny. I’ll give you that one.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, a policewoman hands back the results of the driving exam. Pacey only failed by one point, which totally sucks. Also, his freshly re-dyed hair is a little bit more auburn than his usual color and it looks slightly strange on him. But he’s Joshua Jackson, so he’s still adorable. Anyway, he begs the cop to give him the one extra point, because it’s his birthday, but she’s all, sorry, bro, but you probably should’ve name-dropped your sheriff dad if you wanted me to do you a favor. (Okay, she didn’t say that part, but it’s true.)
K: He should have known better than to say it’s his birthday. As a general rule here? They’ll fail you if you go for your licence on your eighteenth birthday and they think you’re not ready. My cousin got failed for only stopping for 2.5 seconds at a stop sign rather than the full 3 seconds you’re meant to stop for.
Diva: That is the actual worst.
Leery Manor of Heavy Petting. Mitch wants to talk to his son about sex, using a lot of big words and statistics. At least we know where Dawson gets that from. Meanwhile, Joey arrives at the house – through the front door, for a change – and tries to bypass Gail. She clearly should’ve used the window ladder, because Gail stops her to give her a book about sex. Joey is understandably humiliated, as anyone would be, but there’s also some supremely great parenting here.
K: TRUE. But in a really REALLY weird way because it’s her boyfriend’s mother. I mean, Gail’s also kind of her pseudo-mother following the Dead Mommy thing. But SO WEIRD OMG.
Diva: SO WEIRD, but also, caring about your children being sexually active, but not judging them for it? Wanting to help them make informed decisions about their health? Here, Mitch and Gail, you can split one Sandy Cohen Eyebrow of Non-Negligent Parenting between the two of you.
It’s better than nothing.
Tthe kids leave, and the adults are awkward because Mitch still isn’t sure whether he wants a divorce.
Next door, Grams insists on a loud and religious wake-up call for Jen. She’s literally singing Jesus songs at this poor teenager who just wants to sleep. I feel you, Jen. Getting me out of bed in the morning is basically impossible. (K: YUP.)
At school, Pacey throws down his bicycle in a fit of rage and confesses to Dawson that he failed his driver’s test. Today of all days. He gives about a zillion more hints that HEY, I TURNED SIXTEEN TODAY, and Dawson STILL doesn’t realize anything, because he is a terrible friend.
K: My notes say “Dawson Leery, oblivious asshat and worst friend ever.”
Diva: Somewhere that is not Capeside High and yet seems to be in the middle of the school day, Jen broods by the creek and does some product placement for Diet Coke as Pacey approaches.
Pacey says he’s got a bad case of the Molly Ringwalds, and I love him even more than usual because that line is amazing. Jen realizes this means everyone forgot his birthday. Pacey doesn’t care that his family forgot, as per usual – ouch – but Dawson was the one who made up for his shitty family by making a big deal out of Pacey’s birthday. They were supposed to go on a road trip to Maine together for Pacey’s big 1-6, but apparently that’s not happening. Jen says this is all the happy couple’s fault, and they both pretend to be happy for Dawson and Joey for a hot second. Jen says Pacey should forget about them and go celebrate. Pacey agrees:
This show’s attempts at being meta are usually awful, but I admit, that line cracked me up.
K: Legit, girl. Also, I have Pacey feels.
Diva: Samezies. On the bleachers at Capeside High, Jen and Abby are being bitches to each other. Abby has faked a doctor’s note that gets her out of gym and basically anything else she doesn’t feel like doing for the entire semester, because she’s a criminal genius. She assumes that Jen’s life in New York must have been as boring as her life here. Jen is like, oh, it’s cute that you think that. Abby name-drops some clubs, and Jen is all, been there, dated that bouncer, done that, bitch. Abby wants to know all about life in the big city, because she wants to move to New York when she graduates from the world’s most boring high school.
Joey’s bedroom. Dawson and Joey discuss his awkward parents. Then he strokes her face and says he knows everything about her. You know. Like creeps do. She insists that what he doesn’t know about her could fill a book.
Then they kiss, but their makeout sesh is blessedly interrupted by the baby crying. Thank you, baby, for sparing me the sight of more face-noms. Dawson spies Joey’s journal on the bed and makes the brilliant decision to give it a quick read while she’s in the next room. You know. Like assholes do. Of course, his face falls as soon as he starts reading, and the music abruptly changes from romantic sappy shit to moody string orchestras, because this show does not believe in subtlety. Joey comes back, and Dawson immediately bails because of whatever he just read. Joey is left looking confused and maybe sort of hungry, which is her default expression.
K: Confused and maybe sort of hungry is the best description ever.
Diva: After the not-break, Pacey is putting up fliers for a pier party, which the entire school is invited to. Dawson asks what the party is for, because he is STILL THE WORST. He confesses to Pacey that he read Joey’s journal, and she wrote that his horror movie was absolutely fucking terrible. Dawson should cheer up, because 1) his movie was, in fact, terrible and 2) if that’s the worst thing about him in there, he should consider himself blessed. Pacey basically says the same thing, and calls him selfish and starts to get angry, but Dawson just completely ignores everything his best friend is saying and asks for advice on Joey. Pacey’s advice is that you’re boring, and I’m sick of your bullshit drama, and get the fuck over yourself. AMEN, PACEY. AMEN.
K: This conversation also includes this moment:
Otherwise known as EVERY VIEWER’S FEELINGS ABOUT DAWSON LEERY SUMMED UP IN ONE PICTURE.
Diva: +1 times infinity.
Andie approaches Joey to introduce herself and ask if her brother Jack might be able to get a job at the Icehouse. Thank you, Andie, because I never remember what the fuck that restaurant is called! Anyway, Joey reluctantly agrees that Jack can come in and talk to her about a job. (K: I wish job hunting were that simple in 2014) (D: YUUUP.) On the walk home, Dawson catches up to Joey and contrives a conversation about his movie-making capabilities. He straight-up asks her what she thought of the horror film, and she gushes about how great it was. Dawson then literally quotes her journal at her, because he’s an idiot, and she is horrified that he would invade her privacy like that. He wants to know what else she isn’t telling him, and Joey’s like, bitch, you do not even want to go there.
Mitch drops by on a blue collar dude, because he’s checking out some properties nearby for a restaurant. This dude is Mitch’s buddy since they were kids, so I’ll call him Blue Collar Bestie. BCB wants to know what’s wrong with Mitch. Cut to the Leery Manor, where Grams brought over some food for Gail. Gail asks Grams for advice, and we cut back to BCB giving Mitch his advice. Both advise the same thing: don’t get divorced. But their methods are a little different, in that Grams suggests renewing their vows, while BCB thinks they should try an open marriage. He insists that no one would get divorced if you let people sleep around, which is bullshit because people get divorced for many more reasons than just infidelity, but whatever.
K: This is literally the worst advice ever. On both sides. I mean, renewing your vows ain’t going to do shit if you don’t Use Your Words and talk through your problems first. And having an open marriage isn’t going to work if only one person thinks it’s a good idea. Good Lord, people.
Diva: It’s kind of pathetic that this is the best advice two grown-ass adults could manage to give.
Anyway. Capeside High Parking Lot, or somewhere else that teenagers’ cars are located. Andie yells at Pacey for putting a flier on her car. He says he’s throwing a going away party, since he’s dying of a heart stripe and everything. Andie can’t believe Pacey would even be interested in a girl so dumb she thinks a heart stripe is real, no matter how hot she is. Because apparently, Andie has never met a high school boy before. Pacey tells Andie she’s not invited to his pier party, because there is a ban on “spoiled trust fund casualties from Rhode Island.” Also, he says Rhode Island like that’s the biggest insult of them all, which is hilarious, and a totally believable for a Massachusetts townie to do.
At Jen’s house, she’s reminiscing with Abby over hot ex-boyfriends, several of whom were actually probably pedophiles because all of this sex happened long before she was sixteen. Abby can’t believe a girl with as much experience as Jen could possibly be into Dawson. I can’t believe a girl with a functioning brain could be into Dawson, but that’s just me. (K: Not just you.) Abby suggests that since they’re two single girls, they should go party. By which she means, split a bottle of champagne at Pacey’s pier party. That is about as fun as it gets in small towns, so go crazy, girls.
Icehouse. Dawson and Joey are having a huge fight, which seems incredibly unfair, since she is at WORK. And the place is busy. Leave a girl alone until her shift is over, Dawson. Anyway, Jack interrupts their fight to ask for a job. Joey, of course, has no memory of who Jack is – or who Andie is, for that matter – because for Joey and Dawson, no one else on the planet exists except each other. Jack finally reminds her about the job; she throws him a towel and tells him to get to work. The Dawson-Joey fight continues, until Jack comes back because Bessie won’t let him in the kitchen. Because, you know, she doesn’t know he works there. Joey ignores him, and they continue their fight. Poor Jack. Worst first day of work ever.
At the pier party, Andie and Pacey make fun of each other in a mean-flirting kind of way, and it’s adorable because these actors are super-cute. (K: You know, as long as you ignore their real ages…) (D: I IMDB’d that shit and discovered Meredith Monroe is almost thirty during this episode, which is insane. Joshua Jackson is twenty.) They also don’t actually know anyone at this party besides each other. Andie makes a passing comment about how some older women like younger men, and Pacey just laughs, because he was here for Season 1 and she was not. Anyway, Pacey gets ignored/abused/bitched at by literally everyone at this party, and then Dawson pulls up on his speedboat. I cannot take anything seriously when Dawson’s on his speedboat or when Joey is on a rowboat. I just can’t.
K: Legit. Totally and utterly legit.
Diva: Elsewhere at the party, Jen and Abby are full-on wasted (K: Which is hilarious, because Jen says she’s had THREE DRINKS. Girl. I only drink like once a month, and even *I* can do better than being full-on white girl wasted on three drinks…). (D: Three drinks would have gotten me almost that drunk when I was sixteen, though. Not vomiting-drunk, but close.) Abby dares Jen to kiss the next guy she sees. Jen agrees, and greets Dawson with a full-on makeout sesh when he unsuspectingly walks by. He’s all, what the fuck is the matter with you, and Jen stumbles away in humiliation.
Icehouse, closing time. Jack asks Joey about her boyfriend, and surprisingly, Joey opens up to him instead of being the cold fish she usually is. It’s their first fight, but Jack points out that this means they haven’t had their first make up yet. Joey grins, and Jack offers to close up shop so she can leave early to face-nom Dawson’s giant forehead. She says no, Bessie would kill me, but he convinces her it’s fine. Even though he’s basically a stranger. Who owns this restaurant? Someone needs to be informed about this extremely lax security. Although I guess if a $20 bill can break you into a prison, you can leave someone else’s restaurant in the hands of a stranger.
K: Also, how does he know what the closing up procedures are given that he’s worked there for, like, two hours?! And who will he give the keys to? I have so many questions…
Diva: Pathetic Pacey Pier Party. Dawson wants to know why Pacey won’t help him out with his Joey issues when he and Pacey know everything about each other. Pacey’s all, um, dude, you don’t even know when I was fucking born.
FINALLY, Dawson realizes that it’s Pacey’s birthday, and he feels terrible. He wants to know how to fix this, but he can’t. Pacey comes to the realization that no one gives a shit about him, including his best friend, and he just can’t compete with Joey. BUT WE LOVE YOU, PACEY. COME HANG WITH US.
K: YES. You know how the Fug Girls have Intern George? Maybe the Snark Ladies can have Intern Pacey! Also, this is another case of Longest Day Ever.
Diva: First of all, YES, I LOVE INTERN GEORGE AND INTERN PACEY IS THE BEST IDEA EVER. Also, days and time and weather just do not exist at all in Capeside.
Leery Manor. Mitch is reading/ignoring his wife and her completely insane hair. She attempts to put the moves on him, but he’s not having it. He tells her that although he doesn’t want a divorce, he does need something to change. He talks for like an hour without actually saying things, and then finally proposes the open marriage idea. Gail’s eyes fill up with tears.
Somewhere creekside, Dawson is standing in the rain. And so is Joey. And they smile and move towards each other in slow motion while cheesy music blares, and it’s literally the worst scene I’ve ever seen. I was convinced this was going to be a dream sequence because this is just the most over-the-top bullshit imaginable.They nuzzle each other in the pouring rain, and Joey looks topless for some reason.
K: SUCH A CHEESY, AWFUL AWFUL SCENE. Totally unnecessary and totally weird and I just hate them both so much right now.
Diva: Finally, this terrible scene ends and they’re allowed to talk like normal people who aren’t in a dream sequence. Dawson confesses that he forgot Pacey’s birthday. “Yeah, I pretty much suck. In all areas,” Dawson says, in the biggest understatement of all time. He segues into how maybe everyone really does think he’s a shitty filmmaker, but he didn’t think Joey was one of those people. She says that she’s not letting him off the hook for invading her privacy, but she wants him to know the truth. Hiding her feelings from him for so long was really difficult, and sometimes it made her angry at him, and all that anger needed to go someplace. Her journal isn’t necessarily the truth – it’s just what she needed to express at that one particular moment. She thinks he’s a wonderful filmmaker and person, because she has recently had a lobotomy, I guess. They giggle and are cute for a second, until they start face-nomming again and I get bored.
Jen and Abby are puking their guts out over the dock because this show also serves as a PSA. They can see Joey and Dawson making out, and Abby insists they’re totally about to fuck. Jen’s all, no, they’re like siblings, they’d never, and then confesses that she wants Dawson back. “God, why?” Abby asks, and I laughed for approximately ten minutes. (K: Me too, girl. Me too.) Because Jen loves him, that’s why. Abby says, okay, let’s get this motherfucker back, then, and I officially start to love Abby. I think this will make Kirsti very happy.
K: Yup. It really really does. I think this episode was basically what sold me on Abby, to be honest. Especially that “God, WHY?!?!?!” comment.
Diva: Amen.
Pacey is alone at the end of his party. Andie walks up to him and gives him a birthday present. It was actually supposed to be a Christmas present for her brother, but she overheard Pacey’s fight with Dawson and wanted to give it to him instead. Really, show? It’s almost CHRISTMAS, and this girl is standing outside, at night, in New England, IN A BIKINI, and she’s not remotely cold? This show’s refusal to acknowledge that weather is a thing will never stop annoying me.
Pacey opens the present, which is a Magic 8-Ball, because it’s still 1998. It tells him that he’ll pass his driving test, but also that it can’t predict his future. He hands it to Andie, who promptly drops it in the creek because she’s clumsy. Pacey confesses that he thought this stupid party would change something, but he’s still the same old Pacey. She says maybe he’s just a guy trying to figure shit out, and Pacey replies, “we are so deep.” They laugh, and I laugh, because when this show climbs down out of its own asshole for a second, it can actually be pretty good.
K: So…the bits where Dawson’s not on screen, you mean?
Diva: Yes, that is exactly what I mean.
Back to Dawson and Joey, still face-nomming creekside. He asks if she can get home by herself, so he can go try and patch things up with Pacey. She agrees. Meanwhile, Jen is at home, looking at her mascara-streaked reflection and feeling shitty about herself. Over at the pier, Dawson helps Pacey clean up, and apologizes for being such a shitty friend. He still cares about Pacey, it’s just that everything has been so confusing and complicated lately. But no matter what changes, they’ll still be best friends. Pacey says, “Are we having a moment here?” and I can’t believe how many lines of dialogue I actually enjoyed in this episode! It’s like, three! Unprecedented. Anyway, they hop in the boat and have a poorly-synced voiced-over conversation about how they should steal Mitch’s car right now and drive to Maine. They continue to be cute as they speedboat away.
And we fade to black.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Everyone gets fake-married for school and contrivance reasons. Drama is sure to ensue in S02 E03 – Alternative Lifestyles.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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