Previously: Dawson and Joey broke up and the world rejoiced.
—
The All-Nighter
Kirsti: Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson wibbles about Shakespeare while watching the Elizabeth Taylor version of The Taming of the Shrew. The camera pans out to show us that his post-break up movie watching partner is Gail. LOL. Gail cries over the movie, and Dawson expresses concern over her excess of emotions. She, in return, says she’s worried about his LACK of emotions over Joey breaking up with him. Because apparently wallowing in being dumped makes you a better person. Or something…
Democracy Diva: Dubious advice, but it was nice to see these two have a cute bonding moment.
K: Gail heads to bed, leaving Dawson to wallow and stare wistfully at his bedroom window.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, a cranky bearded English teacher informs the class – which conveniently contains all the major players – that their midterm is worth 50% of their grade. Buffy’s cancer-ridden BFF from Hemery High (who, appropriately, featured in BtVS season 2, episode 7) tosses a note at Jen. She opens it, and it says “Don’t forget to smile.” Um, HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS??? (D: We’re clearly supposed to find this charming, but 2/2 Snark Ladies agree this is creepy and street harass-y.) Anyway, the teacher confiscates the note and recommends they all attend a study session before the midterm tomorrow. The bell rings and everyone rushes off. Joey tries to talk to Dawson in the hall but he tells her to go away. She says it’s not fair that they can’t communicate at all, and he’s all “Maybe you should have thought of that before YOU DUMPED ME!” and storms off.
In the cafeteria, Andie asks Pacey if he’s ever had a threesome, saying that it’s part of a purity test in the magazine she’s reading. Girl, no. Remember how well the purity test worked out in Neptune? (D: Also, why is this such a popular TV trope? Oh, right. Contrivance!) Pacey awkward turtles and tries to change the subject, because Andie doesn’t know about his pedolationship. She asks if he’s going to the study session Cranky Teacher is running, and he’s all “LOL NOPE” because honey badgers don’t care about their grades. She points out that she’ll be there, and he reluctantly agrees to attend.
Outside in PE, Buffy’s Hemery BFF is wearing a shirt that barely covers his nipples:
RAWR.
I’m not convinced the school would be okay with that PE uniform. Anyway, he starts talking to Jen, who thoughtfully informs us that his name is Chris so I can stop referring to him as Buffy’s Hemery BFF. Everything he says is laden with innuendo, and Jen eyerolls, which leads to this conversation:
Chris: “Jen, is there a particular reason why you’re not receptive to my wily charms?”
Jen: “Other than the fact that you emit them regularly to any skirt within a 6-mile radius?”
Chris: “Actually, I have a car so it’s more like a tri-state area.”
Mmm. What a charmer. Chris leaves and Dawson – thankfully not displaying his nipples – appears to inform Jen that Chris is a man-whore and ask if she’s going to the study session. She nopes because it’s too much like hard work, but Dawson says she should. She says she’ll consider it.
Diva: But only because Chris is already hitting on another girl. Jen, your taste in men needs improvement.
K: And yet I’m not sure it ever does…
After school, the gang find a note on the classroom door saying that Cranky Teacher has gone home with a cold. Chris tells Jen that his parents are away and they should study together at his place. She’s all “Ew”, and he says that she can invite her friends. He asks Pacey and Andie if they’re interested, but Andie says she’d prefer the library. Pacey hurriedly tells her that Chris’ family are loaded (“They got a satellite dish!”) and Andie reluctantly agrees.
Outside school, Andie asks Joey to join the study session because she can’t be the only one there who cares about actual studying. Joey says that she’ll probably get more studying done with her screaming nephew than at Chris’ house, but Andie insists she has it under control. Elsewhere, Pacey’s inviting Dawson to the study session. I’m distracted by the amazing outfit on that extra in the background:
Wowsers.
Diva: I was too busy giggling at Pacey’s shirt, which may or may not have dragons on it, to notice this epic 90s fashion disaster.
K: Pacey’s horrible shirt is a legit distraction, but the extra in the background is something special. Especially when you take into account the fact that she’s about forty… Dawson agrees to go, because contrivance demands it. Then he awkwards when he gets in Chris’ car to find Joey there. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, we’re at Chris’ Fancy House. He introduces them to his nerdy little sister while Andie rattles off commands about their ideal study space. Cut to the gang sitting around a table. Andie gets into teacher mode, saying that if they spend 30 minutes on each topic with a few breaks, they’ll be done by midnight, allowing for an hour’s speed round and a good night’s sleep. Everyone looks slightly terrified by how intense she is. (D: And by the fact that she considers five hours a good night’s sleep. NOPE.) Chris decides they should order pizza, and heads to the kitchen. The others follow. Andie looks disappointed.
Out in the kitchen, Chris and Jen decide they should get to know each other better, without the innuendos but with added wine. Sometime later, the gang are firmly in study mode. Andie quizzes them on the Romantic poets, asking Joey for Keats’ most famous quote. She chokes, and Dawson stares at her creepily as he quotes “Beauty is truth, truth beauty.” Everyone looks awkward about how intense he is, and Chris suggests a break. Andie insists they need to keep studying, but Chris finds her purity test magazine and decides they should all take the quiz as a bonding activity. DUDE, NO.
Still, everyone but Pacey rushes off to it. Andie takes charge, handing out paper and pens so everyone can keep track of their scores. Pacey reads out the first question: “Question #1: “Have you ever been intimately aroused by a relative?” So, it’s a southern test, huh?” We timelapse through a bunch of other questions read by various characters, including giggles when they reach #69. Question #100 is read out by Joey: “Have you ever been in love? If so, how many times? Give yourself a point of purity for each time.” She looks awkwardly at Dawson when she finishes, then rushes out of the room as Andie starts totalling up the points.
In the kitchen, Joey flips through a textbook. Dawson walks in and confronts her about her reaction to question 100. She tells him again that she needs space, and that she didn’t know he was going to be there. She walks out. Nerdy Sister appears and says they should talk about his relationship problems, causing Dawson to make this face:
“GET ME OUT OF HERE”
Nerdy Sister tries to flirt as best she can, and Dawson looks insanely awkward. Which is totally legit. The girl’s like 12.
Diva: For real. I wanted to be on her side, because she wears glasses, but I just feel weird about all of this.
K: SO WEIRD OMG.
Back in the other room, Andie reads out the scores, then realises that she never marked Pacey’s quiz. He informs her that he didn’t want her to, and Chris realises what the deal is, asking if it has anything to do with question #16. Pacey glares but Andie rushes to the magazine to reread the question: “Have you ever had sex with someone…twice your age?” She thinks it’s a joke at first, then Chris mentions Tamara’s name. Andie tears up as she joins the dots. She rushes out, and after a minute, Pacey sadly follows.
Cut to the jacuzzi. Dawson asks Chris if he knows where Pacey and Andie might have gone, and Chris jokes about makeup sex before asking how he’s doing with Jen and how best to get her to sleep with him. Ew. Dawson tells him to back off because Jen’s vulnerable at the moment, but Chris is all “LOL NOPE”. He points at the guest house, and says that when the lights are out in there, Dawson will know Chris and Jen are “lowering both our purity levels“. Double ew.
Diva: Chris insists that the lights going off will be categorical proof of sexy-times. Except like, also someone could just have turned off the lights. I’m just saying. It’s not exactly DNA evidence. (NOT THAT I’M REQUESTING DNA EVIDENCE. Keep that shit to yourself.)
K: In the guest house, Jen marvels at the fact that Chris’ family have brand new swimsuits on hand for guests. Joey has no fucks to give, saying that she just wants to study. Jen offers her condolences over the break up, and Joey snaps at her in response. Jen calls Joey a bitch, and Joey reluctantly apologises, saying that she just needs to work out her feelings rather than talking about them. Somehow they end up bonding.
Diva: It also kind of felt like they were going to kiss at the end of this scene, with all that talk about wanting there to be things left to experience, and Andie’s previous mention of threesomes. Did anyone else totally read that situation wrong?
K: Definitely not just you.
Pacey tracks Andie down in the garden. She demands to know why he didn’t tell her about Tamara, and he’s all “Right, because pedolationships are so easy to discuss!” Andie wants to know why, and he replies “Sex.” Andie’s taken aback, saying that she didn’t think he was like that. He replies that she knew he was like that because a) they talk and joke about sex all the time, and b) he’s a teenage boy. I may have added that last part myself. Anyway, Andie insists that talking and joking about sex is totally innocent, but Pacey begs to differ:
“No, it’s not! The test was about sex, and sex is never innocent! It’s intense, it’s passionate, and sometimes it can be life-altering, but it’s never innocent, Andie, and I’m really sorry if this changes the way that you feel about me, but I can’t change that. And if things are going to continue between us, I think you’re just going to have to accept that.”
Andie tears up and looks away.
Cut back inside. Jen’s heading out to the jacuzzi when Dawson stops her to inform her about Chris’ sex-themed master plan. Jen’s all “Um, DUH??”, and informs him that she doesn’t have to go along with Chris’ plan. From the look on his face, this has clearly never occurred to Dawson. Jen continues: “And for that matter, why do you assume that I don’t have a plan of my own?” She walks sassily away, leaving Dawson gaping. Nerdy Sister appears again. She’s got Dawson’s answer sheet from the quiz, which says he’s been in love once. Nerdy Sister wants to know whether it was with Jen or with Joey.
Dawson grabs for the answer sheet, but Nerdy Sister scurries up the stairs and informs him that she has something he’ll want much more – Joey’s answers. She’ll give it to him in exchange for a kiss.
Ohgodwhy.
DUDE, NO. Dawson agrees with my assessment, so Nerdy Sister informs him that Joey’s answers say she’s been in love twice. She walks away, and Dawson’s left gaping again.
Jacuzzi. Jen says it’s time to study, and somehow this leads to her and Chris making out. Dawson watches creepily from inside as Joey studies in the background. Andie rushes past Pacey and into the house. Dawson watches her go, then asks Pacey why he didn’t just lie on the test. He says that he wanted to be honest with Andie, and HOLY CRAP THAT IS THE WORST WAY ON EARTH TO BE HONEST ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Pacey asks what Dawson would have done in the same situation, and he says he’d like to think he’d have been honest but he’s having problems using his words lately. Pacey’s response? “Try harder“. Um. Pot, meet kettle?
Dawson heads over to Joey, and she’s all “Dude, I’m trying to study. Please fuck off.” Instead of doing as he’s told, Dawson finally decides to use his words. He says that he thought what they had was special, and demands to know who the other guy she’s been in love with is. Joey’s all “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??”, but he insists that he wasn’t invading her privacy again – he learnt his lesson when he read her diary. HAHAHAHAHAHA, OH MY GOD, THIS CHARACTER IS SUCH AN IGNORANT ASSHAT. (D: Also, yes, Nerdy Sister willingly revealed the information, but Dawson was totally willing to pay her for it until he found out the price was pedo-kissing. So he’s still more than happy to invade her privacy, he just didn’t end up needing to.) Joey’s understandably angry, and wants to know why they can’t just go back to being friends. Dawson yells that if she doesn’t understand why that can’t happen, she doesn’t understand him at all. Joey storms off.
Nerdy Sister appears to offer some sassy comments to a teary Dawson, and he yells at her not to rush into kissing people because it destroys friendships and breaks hearts. I laugh and laugh about how melodramatic he is. Nerdy Sister runs away crying. Joey reappears to give Dawson “DUDE, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?” face before leaving again. Dawson stares around him, realising that he’s fucked everything up, and notices that the jacuzzi is empty and the light in the guest house is out. He sits down on the stairs, his head in his hands.
“Jen, no. You were meant to be pining over me and my slut-shaming ways…”
Diva: You made a little girl cry. You stay on those steps and think about what you’ve done, Dawson.
K: After a Not Commercial Break, Joey heads into Nerdy Sister’s room. Nerdy Sister asks why Dawson’s so mean, and Joey tells her that all boys are like that. If Dawson were there, I’m sure he’d say “NOT ALL BOYS”, because that’s totally something he’d do. (D: A+) Nerdy Sister says she’s going to avoid growing up for as long as possible. Legit, girl. Adulthood is not all it’s cracked up to be. Although the booze is nice. Joey gives Nerdy Sister a nice speech about how sometimes boys are jerkfaces and not all kisses are magical, but sometimes everything falls into place and it’s perfect. And that’s what makes growing up worthwhile. Sure, Joey. Whatever you say.
Cut to Dawson reading Gulliver’s Travels on the porch, then another cut to daylight. Dawson’s asleep, the book on his chest. He wakes, and rushes inside to find everyone else asleep. Andie wakes up and panics that it’s 6am and they haven’t done any studying and now they don’t have time for studying. I’ll just be over here being confused because I never once had an assignment in high school that was worth more than 34% of my grade, and even then, we had like a month to study for it…
Diva: Same. Fictional high schools are stupid.
K: Capeside appears to be stupider than most.
Guest House of Sexy Times. Jen wakes to find Chris is already getting dressed. He thanks her for a fun night – during which the zoomy cameraman shows us TWO condom wrappers on the nightstand – and says a little coldly that he’ll meet her in the main house. Jen gets “OH SHIT I FUCKED UP” face. Back in the study room, Pacey takes charge of the situation, declaring himself a professional crammer. They have four hours before the exam, so can study for 3 hours and 45 minutes. He starts firing off questions, and that throws us into a montage of studying, breakfasting, quoting, playing billiards, and sitting by the pool wearing sunglasses which is apparently very important to the studying process???
At the end of the montage, Pacey says he has one final group activity. He points at the pool, and they all rush out and dive in. Dawson even does a flip, which is kind of impressive.
Diva: I am totally impressed. Also, this was probably the most fun moment in this show’s history.
K: TO DATE. Don’t get ahead of yourself, girl.
As the others head back inside, Andie tells Pacey that she’s impressed with the way he took charge of things, and he says he performs well under pressure. She apologises for her reaction to the pedolationship information, and says she was shocked at the idea of him having so much more experience than her. They return to their usual adorable bickering, and agree that they’re each the person the other loves to hate. They kiss, then she tells him he’s not forgiven. Totally irrelevant to the plot, but here – have some Pacey in a wet shirt. Because I love you and because gratuitous Pacey is always necessary:
You’re welcome.
Diva: This seems as good a time as any to admit that I had a sex dream about Pacey last night. And Dream!Andie punched me in the face.
K: This is possibly the best comment ever on a Snark Squad post. Because it combines all our favourite things: these shows taking over our lives, Pacey, and IN THE FACE punches. Can we nominate Diva’s dream for next year’s Traumaland awards?!
Inside, Dawson tracks Joey down and asks if they can talk. She reluctantly agrees, and he tells her that he wishes he could take back their first kiss so that they could still be best friends and he wouldn’t be hurting any more. But he also doesn’t want to give up their first kiss because being with her was worth all the pain. She tells him that both times she fell in love were with him. The first time, she fell in love with her friend. The second time was after they kissed. LOL, OKAY. Joey says that her feelings for him haven’t changed. It’s just that she’s unsure of herself.
He looks relieved and tells her that he’ll give her the space she asked for, but that nothing will change the way he feels about her. Joey looks like she has feels. Dawson heads into the living room, and spots Nerdy Sister asleep on the sofa. He walks over to her, and kisses her forehead. The music says that it’s meant to be sweet, but it’s kind of creepy when you think about it… (D: For a second I thought he was going to actual-kiss her, so this was a much less creepy alternative.) She wakes to see him leaving the room and grins happily. Outside, everyone piles into Chris’ car and heads back to school to the strains of The Barenaked Ladies’ “Who Needs Sleep?”
At school, they find a note on the door saying that Cranky Teacher is still sick and their midterm has been rescheduled. Joey wonders aloud what they should do, and Andie suggests going to their other classes. Pacey disagrees because he has one more group activity. Cut to the six of them asleep on the football field and fade to black.
Despite Dawson’s repeated douchebaggery, I actually really enjoyed this episode. They were far more teenage-y than usual, what with the giggling over the number 69 and taking purity tests and cramming for tests and falling asleep at inappropriate times.
Diva: Agreed – I really liked this episode. And not just because of Pacey’s wet shirt. I swear.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Dawson wins a prize, Joey and Jack go on a semi-date, Jen gets drunk, and Pacey is the best in S02 E08 – The Reluctant Hero.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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