Dawson’s Creek S02 E09 – Clinton vs Bitch

Previously: Joey and Jack went on a “dat”, Dawson judged Jen’s life choices, and Pacey proved his worth.
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The Election

Kirsti: Shrine o’ Spielberg. Jen’s reading Dawson’s movie script while he freaks out in the background. When she finishes, he asks what she thinks, and she says “The truth truth or the what-Dawson-wants-to-hear truth?“, which is totally legit. He assumes this means she hates it. She assures him that she doesn’t hate it, but that it’s fluff. I laugh hysterically because let’s be perfectly honest here – Dawson is writing real person fan fic about him and Joey, and it is 10,000% fluff. Dawson gets offended, which only gets worse when Jen says that the script felt naive.

He rambles about “the age of innocence,” and this officially sounds like the worst fan fic on the face of the earth, except maybe ones that are written in the second person.

Democracy Diva: And, you know, Fifty Shades of Grey.

K: Truth.

Jen tells him that it needs more of the “raw, dark pain that comes from being young,” which Dawson claims to have. Jen and I both scoff. She tells him to loosen up and actually be a teenager for a change, and that she can show him how. Dawson eyerolls.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT.

After the credits, Andie rushes up to Joey outside Capeside High and says she’s had an epiphany. She wants to run for sophomore class president, and wants Joey to be her running partner. Wait, so they’re sophomores now? Does this mean that Dawson and Joey’s first kiss lasted LITERALLY ALL SUMMER? (D: Certainly felt like it to me!) Because they were definitely freshmen in season 1 – they discussed the big start-of-high-school thing in the pilot. But school never finished, and season 2 picked up immediately where season 1 left off. I call timey wimey stuff. Or some kind of weird Sleeping Beauty plotline.

Diva: And once again, time and seasons have virtually no meaning in this mysterious land they call Capeside. It’s long past time we made a tag for this predicament, so I’m going with “seasons are the new souls.” 

K: I wholeheartedly approve.

Whatever. Joey’s all “LOL NOPE” and tries to use her “sordid family history” to get out of it. Andie has no fucks to give, saying that no one cares about Jailbird Daddy Potter or her sister’s black (and mysteriously absent) boyfriend any more. Joey awkward turtles and bails. Pacey walks up in time to get handed a flier encouraging him to vote for Chris and Abby, which is officially the worst combination EVER. Andie tells Pacey that she’s running because it looks great on college applications, and says that he’s going to be her campaign manager. Pacey is not impressed by this.

Diva: Little-known fact: Pacey Witter was the inspiration for McKayla Maroney’s “not impressed” face.

K: A+, girl.

Meanwhile, Jen is encouraging Dawson to skip class. He says he can’t because he doesn’t want to miss a vitally important history quiz, and Jen replies “Dawson, in order to write about being a teenager you actually need to experience being one.” LOL, BURN. She says he should be more impulsive, and he agrees to ditch, provided she leads the way. When she enthusiastically heads for the door, Dawson ducks into class.

Leery Manor, that night. The dishwasher is broken, and Gail tells Mitch that she didn’t know who else to call to get it fixed. Yeah, Gail? I hear they have these people called plumbers now. You can find them in the Yellow Pages. Anyway, Mitch fucks up the repairs and the dishwasher sprays them both with water. Gail laughs hysterically, Mitch pulls off his wet shirt, they stare intently, making out ensues. Dawson walks in, then backs out before they see him, looking confused but happy. Gross.

Diva: Definitely gross, but also, Mitch should never wear a shirt again. Just sayin’. YUM.

K: I’m too grossed out by his douchey behaviour to consider him hot. See also: John Winchester.

Cut to the Icehouse. Joey and Jack are making a pyramid out of those little coffee creamer cups while flirting cutely. Abby and Chris walk in, and Abby bitchily demands a menu before telling Chris that it’s safe to discuss election strategies there because it’s always empty. I stop to be confused by American student politics, because we just had the SRC (which almost no one wanted to do because meetings were at lunchtime) and then the school captain, who was picked by the school board. But whatever.

Diva: We had presidents and vice-presidents and secretaries and treasurers and all that, none of whom actually did anything, I’m sure. But I promise, it was a lot less intense than the Capeside High election.

K: That’s kind of a relief, but still kind of confusing.

Jack encourages Joey to look at Abby and Chris, and consider herself and Andie as viable alternatives. He tells her that she’s a born leader, and Abby – who’s eavesdropping – scoffs. “You throw the trash out, you don’t vote it in,” she says before telling Joey that running against her would just be one more disappointment in her super shitty life. Joey gets I WILL CUT YOU face and up ends a jug of ice water over Abby’s head.

    Jack gets “OMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER” face in the background (D: I am making the same exact face) as Abby storms out. Joey declares that she’s in as we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, it’s the next day. Andie hands campaign fliers and posters to Pacey, telling him that she wants them up all over Capeside. I once again thank the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster for the fact that I don’t live there. He tells her that he’s been doing some research in a book on the Clinton campaign, and she gets all proud and it’s kind of adorable. They kiss, and Joey disgustedly clears her throat behind them, asking if they’ve seen Chris and Abby’s smear campaign. Andie has no fucks to give, saying that they should focus on their debate issues, because winning will be the best revenge. Joey’s unimpressed.

Across town at Capeside’s one and only cosmetics store, Jen once again applies the sample lipstick directly to her mouth. GIRL, NO. We’ve talked about this. There are no words for how nasty that is. She tells Dawson that she’s decided to be his sponsor in becoming a teenager, but he’s all “Yeah, no”. Except he’s Dawson Leery, so instead he says “regardless of any adult self-perception I might possess I still have to face all the trauma of being my age so I will respectfully decline your offer.”

Jen tells him that she expected resistance and they’re going to start small: he’s going to steal the lipstick she just tried on. He’s all “Uh, NO”, partly because it’s lipstick but apparently she thinks they should both benefit from the situation. (D: Smart girl, that Jen.) He insists that he won’t do it, she says it’s important for him to experience it, blah blah blah, he takes the lipstick. Outside, he says he’s on a natural high from stealing, and she asks for the lipstick. But LOL NOPE Too-Good-To-Be-A-Teenager Dawson secretly put it back. He says there’s nothing wrong with being mature for his age, and she replies “It’s going to trap you, Dawson. Because you’re going to wake up one morning and you’re going to realize that the reason you’re not growing is that you never allowed the process. There’s a reason that we go from infancy to old age. Think about that.”

Diva: This whole conversation presumes that Dawson’s main problem is that he’s too mature for his age, which is just patently false. He’s not mature; he’s a little brat. He happens to get caught up in his own head too much and over-think things, but that’s because he’s too selfish to look outside himself, not because he’s at a more advanced level of thinking than his peers. Let’s all PLEASE stop pretending that Dawson’s douchery is somehow maturity.

K: YES.

Cut to the school gym and a montage of the election debate. Andie and Joey are frighteningly serious, Chris and Abby try to play the popularity card, and Kenny (the nerdy kid that Abby got paired with for the married couples project in Economics class) and his partner fall somewhere in the middle. Mostly, I’m distracted by Abby’s choice of hair accessories:

D: But like, EXTREME glitter. All of these details made it into my notes as well. SO MUCH TERRIBLE 90S ACCESSORIZING.

K: It’s like they only had enough money for one set of accessories, and they made Abby wear them all simultaneously. Anyway, Abby decides to fight dirty, reminding everyone of Joey’s imprisoned father and referring to Andie’s mother as “one shock treatment away from a permanent residence in the loony bin“. Andie tears up as Abby continues, saying that Mrs. McPhee was responsible for Tim’s death, and BTW, mental illness is hereditary. The whole class looks horrified at how far Abby took it, the guidance counsellor tells her to STFU, Andie runs out crying and Pacey follows.

Diva: Uh, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, ABBY? Who digs up damning evidence for a STUDENT COUNCIL ELECTION? And hey, guidance counselor, maybe you shut Abby the fuck up before her horrifically offensive speech about Andie’s family – or at least at the beginning of it. He basically waited until Abby had run out of terrible things to say and then was like, “Hey, you! Stop that please!” THIS IS NOT EFFECTIVE.

K: Okay but remember the previous episode where he basically told Pacey to give up on life because he’s a failure? This dude is clearly not Capeside High’s finest staff member.

Outside, Joey rushes up to Jack, apologising for asking lots of questions about his family. Jack tells her he just wants to find Andie and he has no fucks to give about her sympathy. She tells him that she wants to help and that her own family situation is pretty fucked up, so she can understand. He yells that he doesn’t want to talk to her and storms off, leaving Joey to sad panda. Meanwhile, Pacey’s found Andie hiding out in the bathroom. He tells her that there’s a whole chapter on how to deal with scandal in his Clinton book, (D: LOL, just one chapter?!) and that they can get through it. She says that she doesn’t know how to walk the halls with everyone knowing about her mother and brother because she knows they’ll laugh. Pacey assures her they won’t: “Everyone comes from a dysfunctional family. It’s the 90s. The only happy families are in TV syndication.” NOT IN TRAUMALAND!!

Pacey says that everything will blow over and go back to normal, and Andie rants that all she ever wanted was a normal family. He tells her that there’s no such thing as normal. She stares in the mirror, declares herself to be a hot mess, and hurls Pacey’s Clinton book at the mirror. It smashes and she rushes out, leaving Pacey looking shocked.

Mitch’s Man-Cave. Dawson shows up with Mitch’s mail and asks what’s new. Mitch twigs that Dawson knows about the estranged spousal sexy times, and blames Gail. But Dawson says he saw it for himself before reassuring his father that it was “Not the main attraction, just the previews.” Gross. Mitch gets twitchy because discussing this with his teenage son is creepy (LEGIT), and then refers to it as “a sex slip“. I giggle endlessly because it reminds me of this one girl I was sort-of friends with in high school who told us that she’d accidentally lost her virginity a few days earlier, and someone went “How the fuck do you ACCIDENTALLY lose your virginity? Did you slip and fall awkwardly?” So yeah, Mitch and Gail slipped and fell awkwardly. ANYWAY. Mitch says it doesn’t mean he and Gail are back together, and that having sex actually made everything worse.

Cut to Jen’s room. Dawson tells her she was right, and that he’s sick of experiencing teenaged emotions while having the brain of someone with a psychology degree. Or something. He’s tired of waiting for his feelings to catch up with his brain, and has decided that he has it arse about: he needs to match his actions to his emotions. He asks her to be his sponsor, and that he’ll follow her lead in doing spontaneous teenage stupidity. She happily agrees.

Andie’s room. She stares out the window as Jack tells her that it scares him to see her this upset. She doesn’t react, and he says that her highs and lows are getting extreme and he thinks it’s time she went back on her meds. Andie insists that she’s fine, that it was just a bad day and she doesn’t need medication. Jack reluctantly leaves, and I have a lot of feels because OH MY GOD POOR ANDIE having to deal with the whole family situation plus Abby’s bitchy comments while knowing that she has a mental illness, and POOR JACK having to deal with the whole family situation plus a sister who refuses medication. Basically, FEELS.

Diva: All the feels. All of them.

K: Out in the woods somewhere, Dawson and Jen are giggling hysterically over the fact that they just toilet papered someone’s house. Again, not something that happens outside of America. Or possibly television?? ANYWAY. Dawson’s exhilarated and says he’s up for anything. Jen tells him to drop his pants because they’re going skinny dipping. He rambles about how cold the water will be and what will happen if someone walks by. Meanwhile, Jen’s already undressed and drapes her bra over his shoulder before giggling and running into the creek. She tells him to join her, and he looks awkwardly around him as we fade to black.

Diva: STOP NOT BEING COLD WHEN IT IS SEASONALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU NOT TO BE COLD.

K: After the Not Commercial Break, we’re treated to the delightful line “Dawson, is that a tree branch or are you just happy to see me?” DUDE, NO. Dawson makes Jen turn her back while he gets in the water.

Diva: A+ caption, K. Some of your best work yet.

K: Thank you. I do what I can.

Things rapidly descend into a splash fight. Cut to some time later. Jen asks Dawson if he’s ever dreamt about her. He says he’s dreamt about everyone he knows, and she clarifies that she meant in a sexytimes way. He demands that she answer first, and she replies “Possibly…” He kisses her, and she pulls away, saying that he’s crossing the line. He gets pissy because he was just taking her advice and living spontaneously and MY GOD I HATE THIS CHARACTER SO FUCKING HARD. She clarifies that they’re friends now and she doesn’t want to mess that up, and they have another splash fight. What the fuck.

At school the next morning, the various candidates are making “VOTE FOR US” announcements on the loud speaker. Abby’s approach is basically “Everyone else is a loser.” Off to one side, Joey tells Andie that they can still withdraw from the race with dignity. Andie says she’s fine, and Pacey looks at her proudly. They head up to the microphone, but when it’s time to make her pitch, Andie can’t say anything. She rushes out, and Joey follows. Pacey glowers at Abby.

Chris heads out, and Pacey sits down at the microphone. He sneakily switches it on, covering the light, then asks Abby why she’s running as vice president when she’s clearly the brains of the operation. Her reply is typical Abby:

“I’ll let you in on a little secret there, sport. I’m just using that walking penis for his popularity and ultimately, I’ll destroy him. Just like I destroyed your little girlfriend. It’s just so easy. And victory’s so much sweeter when you have to walk on other people to get it. I’m going to rule this school. And you and all those other halfwits are too stupid to stop me.”

Diva: Abby’s “walking penis” bit was hilarious – I’m absolutely using that in the future – but YAY PACEY FOR BEING SNEAKY AND THE BEST.

K: Sneaky Pacey is excellent Pacey. We get a shot in the middle of students reacting to her comments, then cut back in time for Pacey to be all “Stupid like a fox!” and reveal that the microphone was on the whole time. He turns to Kenny and announces that the school is his.

Leery Manor. Dawson returns home to find Gail in full blown housewife mode – cleaning everything in sight and baking a bunch of stuff. She reveals that Mitch had her served with divorce papers earlier that day. Dawson’s shocked and asks if she’s okay. She says she’s fine, and that she’s moving on.

Cut to the Icehouse. Jack turns up as Joey locks up, and asks if he can walk her home. She agrees. On their walk, he apologises for snapping at her, and says that he’s not used to opening up about his feelings because with Tim dead and their dad gone, he has to be the rock of the McPhee family, and sometimes he feels like his whole life is a secret. Foreshadowing shots? Anyway, Joey says that when her mother was dying, she had this amazing friend (clearly Dawson, as he’s her ONLY friend). And when she didn’t feel like talking, Schmawson would just sit there with her and hold her hand without saying a word. And that was enough. Joey reaches out and takes Jack’s hand, and they stare at each other a little tearily.

Andie’s. She splashes water on her puffy-from-crying face. The phone rings and she answers, tearing up when she hears Pacey on the other end. She says she’s not really up to doing anything tonight, and opens the medicine cabinet as she talks. She reaches for a bottle of pills and shakes a couple into her hand as she tells Pacey that she’ll be “back to my old self tomorrow though…I promise…” She hangs up and cries as she swallows the pills.

Diva: BRB, attending FeelsFest 2014.

K: Right there with you.

Chez Grams. Jen’s sitting on the kitchen floor doing her homework, which is a hella weird place to do your homework. Dawson walks in and tells her his parents are getting divorced. He says that he needs to talk to his sponsor, because he doesn’t know whether his teenaged emotions or his adult brain should be in control right now. She starts to reply, and Dawson starts crying. Jen hugs him and looks feelsy as we fade to black.

    I’d totally forgotten about how much happens in this episode. I remembered the election parts of it, but not the rest. And to give credit where credit’s due, at least the show didn’t get all After School Special-y about mental illness. Sure, it’s Andie’s big secret and she’s not handling it well. But she recognises when she needs to go back on her meds, and Jack talks to her openly about his concerns without being judgey. So yay for that??

Diva: There’s so few non-Pacey things to yay about on this show, so yeah, let’s give that a yay.

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Dawson casts Chris and Abby in his movie which may be the worst decision of all time, and Jack helps Joey out with an art project that involves nudity in S02 E10 – High Risk Behavior.