Pretty Little Liars S03 E23 – Definitely crazy.

Previously: Spencer is at Radley, Aria lied about her pedolationship to get Ezra a job, and Detective Wilden reappeared from being run over by a car with nary a scratch or limp in sight.
—I’m Your Puppet

Sweeney: Spencer is sitting alone in the common area at Radley when the PLLs drop by. It appears to be well past visiting hours, but Radley’s just making shit up as she goes. Anyway, the PLLs dropped by to let her know that they have good news, but they have a really interesting interpretation of “good news” because that news is that the cops found a camper’s body. I mean, yay for Toby, but also sucks for that camper and his family, you know?

Lorraine: Plus, they seem to have missed the part where Spencer is in there because she saw Toby’s body. “Good news, your boyfriend is alive, but you are DEFINITELY crazy!” Thanks, girls! Nice way to start the episode.

Sweeney: Anyway, Spencer’s unconvinced and she’s also not really into this conversation despite Hanna’s aggressive insistence that she just get her shit together and get out. I don’t know man, after the endless stalking, harassment, and throwing cars at people, Spencer might be onto something. She tells the girls that she feels safe there, though, which is how we know that Radley’s going to prove to be terribly bad at keeping unsafe people out. (L: Because Rosewood. It’s all Rosewood.)

A bit later, Spencer is clearly hiding something under her pillow when the nurse knocks on the door to ask if she wants to say goodbye to her friends. Spencer already did that, though, and she’s busy doing shady stuff or whatever.

SHHHH!

Fields House. Emily and Hanna are bickering because having roommates is hard. Hanna is even a little sassy with Mama Fields who, in light of recent events, is now the only good maternal entity left in Rosewood. REMEMBER WHEN WE HATED MAMA FIELDS? I think my shifting opinion of parents is about the only thing that has happened in 3 seasons. Anyway, Mama Fields is also trying to keep her own daughter from getting too caught up in this latest gruesome tragedy, à la Papa Mars. She does promise, however, to tell Emily as soon as she knows anything else.

Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Aria and Ezra are sipping coffee outside and she realizes that’s a problem since she recently lied about their pedolationship, but Ezra doesn’t care about stuff like illegally and unethically dating his students now.

Lor: How did they get all the way to the food portion of their coffee date before she realized it shouldn’t be happening? WHY ARE THEY NEVER CAUGHT, UGH?

Sweeney: The fundamental unfairness of this pedolationship bullshit never ceases to amaze/enrage me.

Maggie calls and asks him to pick his son up at a time that conflicts with his second interview and in spite of how Aria recently had the kid taken to the ER, Ezra decides to have his baby girlfriend pick up his baby son.

At school, Caleb gushes about Dead Beat Uncle Dad and Hanna’s awkward about it because of the five dollar dice. She does, however, agree to go to dinner with them. They make out and for reasons that I dearly hope will become relevant later, Piper Mom stares at them making out.

Lor: It was so creepy. It was less, “is that Hanna?” and more, “SIGH. I wish a wolfy bad boy would kiss me.” STOP IT PIPER MOM.

Sweeney: I just can’t handle another teacher having the hots for a student. I CAN’T DO IT, YOU GUYS.

Aria and Emily are talking about Spencer and the fact that Shawna is clearly into Emily when Hanna joins them.

Emily decides that the best way to convince Spencer that the corpse isn’t Toby is to break into the morgue and take a picture. Because why not.

Lor: I almost said, “it works every time,” but no it doesn’t. The get caught or lose evidence. Maybe try breaking into somewhere new, girls.

Sweeney: Radley. Spencer is talking with her BFF nurse Eddie when Wren comes and sends him away so he can check on his own inappropriate pedo love interest and casually inform her that she likes the same board game that Mona liked when she was a patient.

Hanna passes by Piper Mom’s empty classroom. Piper Mom is desperate to get in touch with Ashley because she needs her to weigh in on some church dramz. Dead Beat Uncle Dad took the church bell down to have it repaired but replaced it with one that’s a whole lot cheaper – around eight grand cheaper.

Radley. Spencer stares at Mona’s favorite board game and decides it’s actually a map of Radley leading her to useful clues and stuff – like a window that’s not properly locked.

Awkward Dinner. Dead Beat Uncle Dad gives Hanna a present – a fancy angel necklace. As Hanna tries (and fails) to seem grateful, he gets a phone call from Pastor Ted, which he steps out to take.

Radley. Mariska Mom is trying to force her to get all dressed up and isn’t listening as Spencer tells her she’s not ready to leave. I hate Mariska Mom but also I know how insanely hard a position that is for an actual parent to be in, so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s really hard. Fortunately, we’re not sticking around in this scene because Mariska Mom has decided this is an ideal time to casually mention a conversation she had with Ali shortly before she died.

ALIBACK! Mariska Mom is in the kitchen late a night when Ali comes in. She was staying over and snuck out “for a walk,” and has now returned with a bloody lip. She lies that she scratched herself on a tree branch and refuses to talk about why she left the house at 3am. Ali cries that if Mariska Mom tells her parents, it’ll only make it worse. Mariska Mom cleans Ali’s lips and hugs her. Then Ali has one of her insta-sociopath moments, though, and says she’s fine before running upstairs.

Back at Radley, Spencer wants to know why the fuck Mariska Mom is choosing now to share that information. She doesn’t really answer that question, though, and switches to accusing Toby. Again. Guys. He’s not even in the episode he’s getting Toby Edited. Three seasons later and we are now back at Suspect #1 for Ali’s death/disappearance.

Lor: And A is still terrorizing the crap out of these girl’s lives.

Sweeney: Dead Beat Uncle Dad comes back in to say that he was just fired. He pays for dinner and then rushes off to the foundry to try to clear up the bell situation. He seemed very earnest and like Hanna would do well to keep on keeping quiet because there will be some big epic misunderstanding, like Pastor Ted having paid Dead Beat Uncle Dad directly from the donation box or some shit. (L: Or, you know, SOMEONE IS TERRORIZING THE CRAP OUT OF THESE GIRL’S LIVES.)

Radley. Spencer continues to stare at her board game map.

Over at the hospital, the other PLLs are all back in their candy striper uniforms, which are apparently the key to magical all access passes at hospitals everywhere. Your local Halloween mega store is all you need to steal important medical files on everyone you know. I bet Veronica wishes she heard about this before she hid under a bathroom sink. Inside the morgue, the girls realize that they don’t have any idea how they’ll know which corpse is their John Doe. Aria’s on lookout and Hanna is mostly useless while Emily does all the body bag checking.

As the girls open a body bag, Aria hears someone coming and spots Red Coat, but just misses her before she gets back into the elevator. The girls unzip the body bag and find one of A’s Halloween masks on the body. They pull it back to reveal some dude I don’t think we’ve seen before, just as they get a text that someone is coming and they flee.

Radley. Spencer asks Nurse Eddie about the board game. He lies that he doesn’t remember who played the game with her. Spencer asks if either Eddie or Wren were behind the trouble with ID badges. Eddie denies his own involvement, but strongly suggests Wren’s. As soon as we leave, we see that Spencer’s been hiding her pills in her pillow.

The next day at school, Hanna is doing some sort of actual studenting – studying for a test and then she gets into a fight with her boyfriend! All very high school! Except that the fight is about how her dad’s a big thief – he prods her and she eventually tells him about the incident with the five dollar lucky dice.

Lor: Studying appears to be the way to try and avoid fights with your boyfriend. Everyone breathe easy: no actual studying happened.

Sweeney: Aria goes to pick up Malcolm, but the lady at karate says that he was already picked up by an Aria Montgomery. Aria finds a flyer for a carnival sitting in Malcolm’s little cubby hole. We cut to a shot of a gloved A hand sharing popcorn with Malcolm. Ew.

After a not break, Aria runs into Piper Mom at the carnival, who tries to have a motherly heart-to-heart about how Ezra’s newly discovered child complicates their pedolationship, but Aria doesn’t have time for that, because she spots Malcolm in the crowd, hanging out with a black hoodied A figure. This poor kid doesn’t need this shit. He and Alex Mac need to go back where they came from. Rosewood is no place for children! Or parenting of any variety! (L: A+)

Radley. Eddie’s bringing Spencer a book she asked for and Wren tries to stop him because Spencer needs her rest and Eddie’s oh-so-concerned for her. They have a doctor-nurse-respect-mah-authoritah standoff.

Aria goes to where she saw Malcolm, but comes up short.

Marin Manor. Caleb is over and Dead Beat Uncle Dad stops by because he saw Caleb’s car outside. Caleb is very short with him, no longer willing to defend him, though he doesn’t bring up the five dollar dice. Instead, he goes for the bigger target: the whole life time of not being there. Resigned, Dead Beat Uncle Dad, says he wouldn’t believe him either if he were Caleb and leaves.

Also, is this the moment where Tyler Blackburn he could carry his own series? His “I Only Have Eyes For You” moment? How’d that work our for you, Tyler/ABC Family?

At the carnival, Aria calls Emily, freaking out. They contemplate calling the police (LOL) but that plan is shut down. Emily promises to come help her and as they’re hanging up, Aria spots a sign for the same tent advertised on the flyer she was left. Inside, Malcolm is sitting alone, eating ice cream, waiting for the next show to start. (L: LOOKING CREEPY.) Malcolm says that he knew Aria was supposed to pick him up but her friend Alison got him instead. Aria’s weirded out by this, but doesn’t ask him any questions like what the friend looked like. (L: Seriously, what???) She decides that they need to leave and get Malcolm back to his dad.

Emily gets an ALL CLEAR text from Aria as she walks into the police station. She’s surprised to run into her mother…who works there. Mama Fields tells her to go home, because she’s go work to do. Emily notices that work, at the moment, includes holding a box that says MISSING PERSONS.

Radley. Spencer’s hospital night gown is kind of like the nightie version of the Pretty White Virginal Dress, which is the perfect attire for creeping around an empty sanatorium.

Lor: That’s going to be such a good contender for best PWVD at the end of the year. It’s the PWVD– with a twist! ‘CAUSE YOU CAN NAP IN IT.

Sweeney: Anything you can nap in will get my vote.

She finds her way to a room where she hears a girl humming. That girl is none other than Ali, going through old records. Ali puts one of the records on and is her usual vague, cryptic, sociopath self. She does clear up for Spencer that Toby’s not the one who gave her the bloody lip – it was someone female, though she doesn’t say who. Spencer says she’s there trying to find the star on Mona’s game board, and Ali directs her into the next room. She finds a rocking horse with a removable head. Inside, there’s all of Mona’s nurse-sneaking-into-Radley gear and, wait for it, a visitor’s pass for CeCe Drake. The music stops abruptly and Wren is in the doorway, asking what Spencer’s doing.

Elsewhere, Ezra hangs up with Maggie and tells Aria that Malcolm had a blast and super loves Aria, so all’s well! Woo! That, however, is enough for Piper Mom’s words to actually sink in and Aria decides she can no longer be in a pedolationship with a man who has a child. Also, he’s having beer with dinner – something he’s been able to do legally for about five years and it’ll be about another five before she can join him. Fun fact. (L: Minus the fun.) Anyway, I should calm my hate, because THEY ARE ACTUALLY BREAKING UP! I know it won’t last for more than an episode or two BUT OMG GUYS, THE PEDOLATIONSHIP IS ENDING! I love it. (L: THERE’S THE FUN!) Ezra tries to make it not so, insisting that she’s a child who will feel differently in the morning. Or something like that. Aria’s face says she’s really serious about breaking up for at least a whole episode.

At Radley, Spencer is confronting Wren about CeCe’s visits, which he authorized, apparently at a time when Mona wasn’t allowed visitors. CeCe called Wren, desperate to help Mona because they’d both been burned by Ali. CeCe was kicked out of university because of “some stunt Alison pulled at a frat party.” To be clear, Ali would have been like 14, so it’s still CeCe’s dumbass fault for taking a 14 year old with her to a frat party. Also, Melissa called CeCe about Mona being in Radley, because these 20-something women gossip about teenagers.

Lor: And lose their boyfriends to teenagers. And terrorize teenagers.

Sweeney: Fields House. Mama Fields says that has information that she’ll share only because she promised, but Emily needs to promise to keep quiet – Mama Fields takes her phone to be sure. She was carrying the Missing Persons box because they found another body in the woods. No ID yet, but they do know it’s male, early-twenties/late-teens. She promises that they’ll learn more in the morning.

Hanna and Caleb sit outside the coffee shop. Hanna tries to comfort him, but Caleb’s not having it. He’s still too distraught over having been duped by his father a second time. He does, however, appreciate that he knows Hanna is truly looking out for him.

Caleb goes inside for more coffee when the church bell chimes and Hanna gets an A text, which Caleb also sees over her shoulder when he returns:

Montgomery Manse. Hanna’s showing the text to Aria whose trying to process that A was probably framing Dead Beat Uncle Dad all along. Hanna’s worried that Caleb is going to hold this against her, but Aria insists that Caleb knows about the insanity that is their big epic stalker team. They’re about to move on to pedolationship talk and I am SAVED by Emily bursting through the door, doing exactly what her mom told her not to – telling her friends about the new body. It was in a shallow grave exactly where Spencer said. If it was exactly where she said it was, why did it take this long to find? (L: Because the police were looking for it. LOL. The police.) (S: Rosewood PD needs to be its own collective entry for LOLPD Officer of the year, because together they add up to approximately 1.17 police officers.)

Speaking of Spencer, she’s back in her room, staring out the window. She goes to her pillow of secrets and pulls out the pills first and then, an A hoodie of her very own! It looks very cold in that flimsy little hospital gown, though, so that seems useful! The soundtrack replays Mona remaking her A-Team offer to Spencer, only this time we hear Spencer accept. She also has two tickets to the puppet show at the carnival.

Lor: Does this mean Spencer took Malcom to the carnival or that Mona thinks Spencer should enjoy a show? I GUESS WE’LL SEE.

Sweeney: A-nonymous: a random morgue attendant wheels the new body in. The sheet is pulled up just enough that the audience can see the FREE AT LAST tattoo that convinced Spencer that the body was Toby’s but which will obviously not be Toby for some insane, unsatisfactory reason that we’ll maybe find out next time, on the finale. But also maybe not.

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Spencer is released from Radley and throws a party to celebrate. Plus, THE END OF SEASON 3! in S03 E24 – A dAngerous gAme.