Previously: The thing we thought we learned is actually still a question. (WHICH THING? Everything.) Also Emily hurt her shoulder on a rock and then her head on a wall and also don’t do drugs.
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Cat’s Cradle
Sweeney: The girls go through a box of toys and other Ali things at Rosewood’s One Coffeeshop, reminding us about the missing bird, returned dead bestie’s mother, and Hanna’s future accused murderer mother. Everyone is unimpressed with Aria’s latest teacher boyfriend.
Piper Mom is also there with her Coffee Shop Owning boyfriend. He’s moving to Austria and wants her to come with him, but she can’t because she has children. He wants her to “take motherhood off the table for a second” and Piper Mom doesn’t in any way whatsoever respond that this is not how motherhood works. Is that why parenting is so bad in Rosewood? “I want to do a thing, but I’m a parent!” “Just, like, pretend you’re not.” “Perfect!”
Lorraine: More importantly, CAN THIS APPLY TO OTHER AREAS OF LIFE? “I want to do a thing, but I’m broke!” “Just, like, pretend you’re not.” “YAAAAS.”
Sweeney: Ooh, that point is so valid I have to check my Piper Mom hate because that right there is the story of all of our offline adventures.
The PLL’s want Aria to hide the box of random shit so that Mona doesn’t know about it. They find a creepy mask and while they’re wondering about it, Melissa walks in. They remind us that Mona said Melissa was Wilden’s accomplice in the attempted murder of Aria on the Adam Lambert Music Video train. Melissa goes to talk to her sister about her out-of-town interview. It’s a very awkward conversation where all of Spencer’s statements sound like accusations.
Sweeney: They’re generally the worst sisters ever, but it’s great when they have these little moments where they get how being sisters works, because that’s accurate.
Melissa might move away to San Francisco or London, and suggests Spencer leave too. But probably they won’t because everybody refuses to just accept the memo about getting the fuck out of Rosewood. Also the show has been renewed for a sixth and seventh season, so. There’s that.
SHHHH!
Caleb and Hanna sit in front of the church and talk about Caleb tracking down his dad. He apologized, but honestly, Caleb was totally due for a little harsh judgment for the deadbeat dad who abandoned him his entire life. Chill the fuck out with your high horse there, Deadbeat Uncle Dad. Hanna’s still pretty stuck on her own parental drama, though, and Caleb takes a page out of Aria’s book, shrugging it off and insisting that it’ll be fine because of reasons.
Speaking of parents, Piper Mom and Aria are chatting about whether or not she’s going to skip out on being a parent. In addition to parenting, we’re reminded that “time” is another thing that works differently in Rosewood. “You’d be surprised how long a second can last,” says Piper Mom. Because seconds don’t just last seconds like the unit of time that they are, here in Rosewood, where time is meaningless. (L: A+)
Hastings House. Spencer continues to try to track down the bird phone number. Toby is having a meltdown, though, because after everything he went through to get the notes, they’re just more crazy-making than anything. Spencer wants to tell the other girls about the RV, but Toby’s not sure he can, and gets really #deep about A knowing when you’re at your weakest. They also dwell a little on how A has “always felt like a ‘she'” and it’s weird that Spencer even questions him on this, because they’ve been using the female pronoun from day 1. Anyway, the point of this scene is that Spencer’s going back to Radley to investigate what happened to Toby’s mom, through means that the show will invent as she goes.
Marin Manor. Hanna tries to fish for more information from Ashley, asking about whether she ever left the hotel for any reason whatsoever. She admits to going to see Anything Goes, but otherwise it was all work.
Lor: I like that Hanna is still investigating this while Ashley is doing everything but wearing a, “LOOK AT ALL MY GUILT” sign.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. Aria and her new Teacher Date are watching a movie. It’s a film noir and Aria gets to reveal her 32-year-old soul when she talks about how much she loves black and white because she’s so artistic. These two have the weirdest conversations. Meaning: they’re relatively uninteresting, but dramatic music plays in the background.
Lor: Aria almost has a heart attack because Teacher Date “jokes” about not liking black and white films. Teacher Date has to actually school her on how sometimes, human beings like different things and that’s okay and you shouldn’t be a superior hippo about it. (Something like that.)
Sweeney: Emily meets with a new doctor who wants to prescribe her hydrocodone and she awkwardly stumbles around having a bad reaction to a medication she was never prescribed before shuffling out.
At the bank, Ashley Marin’s got a new office! I don’t really don’t remember her old office, but I know that the entrance wasn’t from the side like this in the episodes where she was stealing old lady money. Anyway, Ashley steps out for a second and Hanna notices a card in the trash can that went to the flowers on her desk. The sender of the card is hoping she was feeling better and adds that she didn’t miss anything by not attending the show. Ashley returns and Hanna pointedly shows her the card before trashing it again and storming out. Ashley can’t follow because I guess even though kids aren’t expected to remain in schools, adults have to stay at their jobs. Even Rosewood has to draw the line somewhere.
Lor: “My daughter sure looks pissed, but THE PHONE. THE PHONE IS RINGING.”
Sweeney: Speaking of school, the other girls are there and talking about Piper Mom possibly running off to Austria. Spencer shares the absolute nothing she’s discovered with the bird phone number. Emily wants someone to come help her with the box of Ali stuff and Spencer’s busy, but Aria’s free.
This conversation is cut off by Mama Fields arriving and doing some actual parenting – the doctor called about Emily’s shady pill behavior. Mama Fields counted her hydrocodone and found a bunch missing and asks if Emily took them and she lies. Mama Fields tells Emily to get in the car and she brattily refuses (girl, you’re in trouble – now is the time to keep your head down and do as you are told!) so Mama Fields pulls at Em’s arm. This whole bit has a weirdly Toby Edited vibe to it to make Mama Fields look bad for daring to do anything her teenage daughter does not approve of. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining this until everyone disperses and Aria gets a text from A:
Damn it, show! Leave her alone.
Lor: Take out Mariska Mom!
Sweeney: OH MY GOD, PLEASE! Except not likely, because A’s all, “That bitch hasn’t even toyed with the idea of being a mother in years,” so it’s not really worth her time.
In one of those empty classrooms reserved for private non-school meetings, Hanna and Caleb discuss Hanna’s fears for her mother. Hanna’s terrified she’s about to end up parentless. Caleb suggests that maybe talking to a lawyer might be a good idea.
Instead of going to a lawyer, she goes to Rosewood Police Department where people aren’t really guarding a damn thing and she walks right into a room with a big evidence board on it, detailing all the leads surrounding Detective Wilden. They have an entire room set aside for this purpose and they didn’t even bother to close the door. And teenage girls can just wander freely about the station. Rosewood PD at work, folks. Just as Hanna is about to take a picture of the board, the detective they met after the funeral appears in front of her. Hanna lies that she’s there to bring some flowers to Pam Fields. (Flowers she stole from her mother.) As he’s escorting her out, they spot Melissa and he excuses himself to go talk to her.
Shitbag Marin is leaving his job when he’s flagged down by Caleb. He explains that Detective Wilden, known harasser of Marin ladies, is dead and Hanna is afraid her mom might end up accused, in which case she’ll need a lawyer and Hanna will need an actual father. Shitbag gets into his car and drives off. Caleb shows no signs that he’s questioning whatever half-baked judgment led him to do that.
Lor: Maybe next time send a letter! Will you or won’t you be a father if Ashley is sent to prison. Check yes or no.
Sweeney: Fields House. Emily’s feeling guilty about lying to her mom and Aria shrugs that “it’s not that big of a lie,” because there’s a reason her besties on a show about liars dubbed her queen of the liars. While they’re talking, Aria pulls apart the mask they saw earlier and see that it’s a mask within a mask. She shows it to Emily and the both excitedly exclaim that it looks just! like! Ali! and I am offended on behalf of Sasha Pietierse because that thing is fucking heinous. There’s some sort of marking inside the mask, but plot’s not ready to share it with us.
Marin Manor. Ashley comes to Hanna’s room to yell at her for spying. I mean yeah, sure, Hanna shouldn’t have spied on her, but you should maybe check your moral high ground when you’ve been caught in a lie like that.
Lor: Lots of people checking their moral high ground today. Or two. But still, I feel comfortable saying, “People of Rosewood! Get off any and all high horses, moral high ground or soap boxes!”
Sweeney: Agreed. I’m sure there are some people I missed.
Hanna says as much and Ashley just says she doesn’t have to account for herself to Hanna. Because unlike regular human beings, with whom you built relationships on mutual trust, teenagers totally respond to that kind of thing! This frustrates me not from that usual weak storytelling perspective, but because I actually do know parents like this and it makes me angry just thinking about them. Ashley tells Hanna that if anyone asks she shouldn’t lie but she just shouldn’t say anything. That’s not very helpful. Unless Hanna’s going to take up her mother’s question-answering tactic of, “If you’re asking this question that is clearly not the one you asked, the answer is yes.” Ashley doesn’t understand how questions work.
Radley. Spencer and Toby break in with override codes they got from Mona.
Fields House. Hanna got a call from the girls and joined them to inspect the mask. The thing inside it is a stamp for an artist who makes masks on the edge of town and Ali apparently went to sit for him to have a mask made. Hanna wants to go investigate and the other two are all, “How can we go without Spencer?” because even after going crazy, she’s still smarter than everyone else. Hanna has no time for their shit, though, after seeing the Murder Suspects Pinterest Board. (L: But losing out on her chance to repin!) Aria and Emily begrudgingly follow her.
After a Not Break, they’re out at a spooky empty place that looks like every spot they’ve ever been to “on the edge of town.” The girls approach the cabin hesitantly and a twitchy guy comes out. He’s giving off serious murderer vibe, but every stranger in Rosewood does. That’s probably something he does for self-defense to keep his own face from getting murdered off. He invites them in.
Radley. Spencer and Toby go to the window he thinks his mom jumped out of. I still have no idea what this is meant to achieve, besides being horribly depressing. Toby walks through the motions as he read them in her file. As it turns out, he finds no information other than being horribly depressed. But we have another 16 minutes of episode.
Mask Maker’s Stranger Danger Cabin. He grumbles about all the tacky shit Ali put on his mask, but since he made Sasha’s gorgeous face look like that, he needs to shut his mouth. They ask about the mask being made. He put an ad on the internet for “someone young and beautiful and a warrior” – a Joan of Arc. And he tells Emily that she’d make a great Medusa.
He wants to trade information for something he wants: their faces. If the self-defense thing is true, he’s really committing to this murderer routine.
Radley. Spencer looks at the window and suspects that maybe it’s not the right window. She also notices the way the roof juts out below the window and suspects that clearing it and hitting the ground suggests that maybe she was pushed – that maybe A gave her real information. (L: Still depressing.)
The girls ask questions about the masks – that sociopath Ali wanted him to make masks of her so that all her friends could look like her. Hanna snoops while he globs plaster or whatever it is that he uses to make the molds onto Emily’s face. Aria grabs a hammer just in case. He claims that he handed over all the masks and then, at Ali’s request, broke the mold.
Out on some random street in Rosewood, Caleb is walking along the road when Shitbag Marin pulls over to talk to him. He knew to find him there because of reasons.
Stranger Danger Mask Maker pulls the mold of Emily’s face and squees over how perfect it is. A cut later and the girls are leaving. Emily says that the whole time she was thinking of Ali and what it must feel like to buried alive.
Lor: Probably not girl! Alison can hold her breath real good so she was fiiiine.
Sweeney: Hanna says she did find something. The girls look into Hanna’s bag at whatever it is. Maybe we saw it in the room when she was snooping, but I missed it. I’m assuming it’s either Ali’s mold or one of the masks.
Random Street for Stalking Your Daughter’s Boyfriend. Caleb guesses that Shitbag Marin knew his ex-wife was back in Rosewood the night of Wilden’s murder. She came to him for money and he says the request was for more money than he could get his hands on. He left to go help his wife with something, but Ashley was gone by the time he got back. Shitbag tells Caleb that he’ can still walk away from whatever this is. He goes on to say that after talking to Caleb earlier that day, he went back to his office – where he talked to Ashley – and found that his gun had gone missing.
Fields House. Mama Fields comes to ask Emily about leaving the house when she wasn’t supposed to, like an actual mother. Unfortunately, she’s also there to inform Emily that somebody called Family Services on her because somebody thought she was “a little excessive” with her that day. The social worker said that they detected a pattern with Emily’s injuries, police trouble, and absent father. You know, absent because off at war and shit. Cool.
Lor: Go after Shitbag Hastings! REALLY TAKE THE HASTINGS OVER THE FIELDS.
Sweeney: It hurts my soul that this show with its abundant negligent parenting is finally seeing some Child Protective Services action and it’s only to take down the only good parents in Rosewood. I hate everything.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Aria gets a text from Emily about what happened to her mom. She stares sadly at her mother and her boyfriend. Her new Teacher Date returns with coffee and she’s all, “Great, thanks!” and runs to talk to her mom. She gives a stupid Aria-like speech about how “Passion isn’t supposed to be easy!” but I’m keeping my eyerolls in check because Aria’s actually doing something from a really selfless place right now and I appreciate that. Piper Mom goes to talk to her boyfriend, freeing New Teacher to come over and rejoin his date. He asks if Aria’s going to miss her mom and Aria has feels. Aw. Her mom isn’t a good mom, but that’s still rough.
Hastings House. Hanna came by to show Spencer what she found. I didn’t miss anything I would have been able to discern because it was a mask of somebody else: Melissa.
Marin Manor. Hanna comes home and spots her mom’s keys by the table. She goes upstairs and knocks on the bathroom door to let her mom know she’s home. Ashley’s running a bath, and sounds like she’d rather not be bothered during that. Inside, we see that she’s not actually in it – she’s fully clothed and watching it fill up.
Hastings House. Spencer quickly hides the mask before Melissa comes in. She mentions seeing Hanna at the police station, asking why Hanna was there. Melissa says she was called down to share what she knew about Wilden, having gone to high school with him. She says that feels like so long ago, though, given all that has changed and all the people that have, you know, died since then.
Fileds House. Emily is woken up by an A text of her mother with bars photoshopped over her face. There’s a knock at her bedroom door. Her mother is coming to let her know that her father is returning to Rosewood – he was also contacted by Family Services. Don’t come, Papa Fields! Rosewood will ruin you.
A-nonymous. A puts on a record and it’s that song about which bone is connected to which. A looks at an X-Ray of Emily’s shoulder.
Lor: That was one vicious rock.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Spencer corners Melissa and demands some answers. COULD WE GET ANSWERS? Find out in S04 E04 – Face Time.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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