Previously: Melissa experimented with using her words. Hanna’s pretty sure her mom murdered Wilden.
—
Gamma Zeta Die!
Sweeney: We begin the episode with what I thought was a scream, but is actually sirens. Hanna’s eyes pop open. She calls out to her mom and goes downstairs to find her asleep on the patio off the kitchen, all bundled up. As Hanna explains that she had a nightmare, Ashley sits up and reveals that her hair has fallen out and she’s wearing an orange jumpsuit. Fortunately this is just some sort of inception nightmare-within-a-nightmare, because Ashley I-hide-my-stolen-money-in-pasta-boxes Marin wouldn’t last a day on Orange is the New Black. Back in Hanna’s bed, she wakes up for real, screaming, and her mom comes to her. Hanna says she’s fine and doesn’t want to talk about her prison mom nightmare.
SHHHHH!
2:34! That’s a teaser, VERONICA MARS.
Lorraine: And probably the only thing Veronica Mars can learn from Pretty Little Liars.
Sweeney: True. I’m just trying to get these shows to have a chat. It’s good if Pretty Little Liars can feel like it’s bringing something to the table, you know?
Anyway, Mariska Mom and Spencer are eating breakfast and discussing Melissa’s new internship. “London is beautiful and very cold,” which Spencer thinks is a perfect match. MariskaMom explains that in light of her having gone to Radley, she decided to hire a private college admissions counselor. Spencer pitches a fit about how she knows she can get into other good schools. This actually makes no sense because what MariskaMom is doing doesn’t negate that truth. I think Spencer is just so used to her mom being the literal fucking worst that she doesn’t know how to process her doing something genuinely helpful. Don’t worry, girl, the earth still spins on its natural axis: this is likely more about her saving face than your well-being.
Fields House. Papa Fields talks to his daughter like a good dad. Poor Mama Fields has been getting up crazy early to go to the gym so she doesn’t have to see people. (L: That’s commitment. “People” is reason enough to quit the gym if you ask me.) Papa Fields says he’s not worried about the gossip because it’s trivial for someone who has been in actual combat zones. Emily’s having a collegiate crisis of her own – she doesn’t think she could get into a school like Stanford without swimming. Papa Fields assures her that she’s amazing. Because he’s amazing.
Rosewood High School For College Weekends Because We’re Tired of Pretending to Educate You. Piper Mom explains that college visits are for auditing courses not beer pong. Do people actually audit courses on college visits? Is there actually the kind of free time away from your Non Negligent Parents available to play beer pong? In spite of going to school 1500 miles from home, I never actually did college visits so I have many questions that I’m sure this show won’t answer except that I can safely assume Rosewood is in no way a reflection of the real world. After the bell, Hanna panics about A. The other girls try to reassure her that in spite of all the evidence that her mom is guilty, she’s probably not because evidence is meaningless anyway. Piper Mom tells the girls to start moving towards an actual class and the girls are all, “Ugh, rude. Since when does your mom do her job and tell students to attend classes while in school?” Aria wonders if A has moved on from accusing Hanna’s mom of murder to, um, giving Piper Mom PMS? That’s about how the scales tend to tip on this show.
Lor: A+ and especially when it comes to Aria.
Sweeney: They finally migrate out of the room and begin discussing Spencer’s college coach. Emily asks Aria how much something like that would cost, with Spencer still in earshot. It’s weird. (L: Terrible blocking. Why wouldn’t Em just ask Spencer?) Spencer gets upset about Aria spinning this into a Spencer The Little Rich Girl thing, but doesn’t slap her because dreams don’t come true. This spastic conversation moves on to the missing bird. And then Spencer suddenly realizes that there’s a college in the town where the parrot phone number is. I don’t even know.
Aria follows Piper Mom outside. She’s leaving early to go to tell her boyfriend that she can’t skip out on parenting to go live in Austria.
Lor: WHAT? Is that a valid reason to get out of work early? Well, never mind, I guess it doesn’t matter when you teach at a school that doesn’t actually care about teaching.
Sweeney: Her classroom is primarily just a meeting room for non-scholastic conversations anyway. As far as I can tell she has one class in the morning and that’s it. She should probably be leaving after that anyway.
Aria asks her about it, but Piper Mom tells her they’ll talk about it later. Aria gets into Piper Mom’s car, fishing for information to see if this is A-related. Instead, it’s an actual parenting thing! Mike, who is probably maybe a sophomore, unless I’m making that up, is super not OK with his mother skipping the country with her new boyfriend and she’s actually listening and doing parenting. Aria spots a bee coming out of the air conditioning. Piper Mom kills it and tells Aria to go back to class so they can finish this conversation at Family Night.
Outside the car, Aria gets this A text:
In the car, Piper Mom is attacked by a swarm of bees. She swats at them rather than, like, getting out of the car. (L: Nothing is making sense.) (S: Ever.)
After a Not Break, Aria tells Emily over the phone that her mom is fine, but resolves to get her mom out of town before the A Team does any more damage.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Emily spots Spencer’s College Coach waiting for Spencer, who is running late. She asks him about how his job works. He describes it as a rebranding exercise. He appreciates her calling him Not Old. (Yesterday a room full of 7th graders told me they were convinced I was 18 and teased me for being too young to be there. Having children tell you look Not Old makes you feel like you’re winning at life.) College Coach is so grateful to be called Not Old Looking that he offers to go over college stuff with her until Spencer gets there.
Hastings House. Ashley wanted to come talk to Mariska Mom at her house and not her office to talk to her about Detective Wilden as both her friend and lawyer. I mentioned last week that Mariska Mom’s only redeeming moments are when she’s being a good lawyer, and when Ashley asks if Mariska Mom is going to ask if she’s guilty, Mariska Mom gives her a fantastic, “Bitch Please,” and it’s the most I’ve liked her since season 1. Mariska Mom is on the case.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. College Coach is giving Emily advice when Spencer shows up. He’s got plans for her to meet with people at Brown, but she wants to start with a trip, ideally solo, to Cicero – the school in the same town as the parrot phone number. College Coach tries to continue to do his job, but Spencer steamrolls over that, insisting that she needs a safety school and inviting Emily to come check it out with her.
Montgomery Manse. Aria starts yelling at Mike who is just trying to hang out on the couch and play a video game. She yells at him for being selfish for wanting his mom to not leave the country. Mike reminds me of when he was my favorite by accusing Aria of trying to ship their mother off so that it’ll be easier to fuck her teacher. A+ FOR YOU, MIKE. (L: IT WAS AMAZING.) Also, a trip down memory lane:
Marin Manor. Ashley returns with food and wants to know why Hanna’s not going on college campus visits this weekend. Hanna says she already knows where she wants to go and doesn’t care about stuff like safety schools or options. Ashley gets a phone call and is very cryptic, before telling Hanna to start without her and leaving to have the call in private. Since it’s a landline call, Hanna just picks up another phone and listens in. Ashley asks how bad things are and Mariska Mom tells her she needs to come into the office ASAP.
After a Not Break, Hanna calls Aria, wondering with her Shitbag father would cover for her mom. Aria’s not really sure because it’s morning and you can’t go waking people up with shit like this. Aria wants to know what brought all of this on and Hanna says it’s the missing muddy shoes. She pokes around looking for them and finds that Ashley’s locked her closet, which is weird and suspicious.
Fields House. Emily is packing for her college trip. Papa Fields gives her money for gas and general trip fun times like a good dad. Emily tries to reject, uncomfortable with money stuff, but she takes it. It’s a cute moment. (L: I just want to give Papa Fields all the hugs. He’s trying so hard.)
From adorable father/daughter to WORST father/daughter: Aria asks Shitbag Montgomery if he can hurry up visiting Piper Mom in the hospital and maybe also to tell her to go to Europe. Shitbag doesn’t like being asked to convince his ex-wife to run off to Europe with her new boyfriend. Aria says that she will miss her mother but Shitbag is the only one who can assure her that her kids will be parented in her absence. Except he can’t do that because he’s awful.
Lor: And that doesn’t at all speak to the fact that sometimes, kids like to have both parents. It’s just a thing.
Sweeney: I’ve heard rumors of this, yes.
Marin Manor. Hanna picks the lock to Ashley’s closet.
Parrot College. Spencer’s looking around and doing spy things while Emily is really interested in colleges and scholarships. I’m also pretty sure College Coach is hitting on Emily because fucking Rosewood. At least this time I know nothing will come of it, but not because of silly things like grown ups being grown ups. Spencer, devoid of social cues, insults the school to Emily in private. Spencer plots for them to lose College Coach, excusing herself first.
Marin Manor. Hanna gets into the closet and first looks for the shoes with the clothes on hangers. IDK. She kneels down and finds a bag containing a blue scarf wrapped around a gun. After a Not Break she tries to call the girls. Aria doesn’t answer and tries Spencer, but Spencer completely brushes her off. Damn it, Spencer. Getting no help, Hanna wraps the gun back up and puts it in a pink bag that is not the bag from which she retrieved it.
Spencer spots a random nerdy looking dude and tries to get him to use nerd power to investigate her phone for her. That’s her entire plan. I’m excited, though, because I recognize this guy from Tumblr! He accuses her of trying to track down an old boyfriend because she has “the crazy eyes.” He relents and looks at it and can tell that the number is on Greek Row, but either can’t or won’t be more specific than that. AND THEN the amazing Brought To You By Tumblr moment happens:
Delightful.
Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Piper Mom is out of the hospital and she’s getting coffee with Shitbag Montgomery. He says that he talked to Mike that afternoon and convinced him that his mom needs this time. He says that she’s spent her entire adult life taking care of other people and he’s willing to maybe sort of step up for her to be able to do something for herself.
Greek Row. Parties have spread out into the streets. Spencer is plotting their best way to track down guys who might have known Ali – except that four seasons later, shouldn’t they have graduated by now? (L: HILARIOUS.) Spencer continues to be oblivious to the fact that Emily is interested in potentially networking at this sorority thing because she’s actually interested in her future. Spencer hands Emily a photo of Ali to “jog memories” (again, of people who weren’t students then) and finally Emily tells her to cool it because she’s there to learn about scholarship possibilities. Spencer, outraged at not getting her way, takes some grossly low swings, accusing Emily of flirting with College Coach and deliberately failing to mention that she’s gay. Spencer’s damn lucky she doesn’t get slapped for this. Emily swings back, telling Spencer that her parents’ money has shielded her from ever having to learn to be charming. This is interrupted by sorority singers. (L: What are we watching?) (S: We will never stop asking this question.)
Marin Manor. Hanna has the pink bag she hid the gun in and another bag. She tells Ashley that she’s going up to Parrot College to visit schools so that she has other options.
Sorority Party. Emily is asking a sorority sister questions about the school and how to get in when she notices a paddle and a weird mask on the wall. I cross my fingers for crossover magic.
Lor: Perfection. Well done.
Sweeney: Anyway, the paddle belonged to some super evil house mother who never let anybody get away with anything ever. And also had masks that raise the dead. MAYBE ALI REALLY DID DIE AND THIS MASK BROUGHT HER BACK. Somebody get Giles here ASAP to put the sociopath back in the box.
Lor: AND BE A SUBSTITUTE PARENT WHO WOULD NEVER DATE STUDENTS TO ALL OF THEM.
Sweeney: WISHES AND DREAMS, YOU GUYS. WISHES AND DREAMS.
Speaking of the sociopath, Spencer is showing the Ali picture to everyone at the party.
Emily parts ways with the sorority sister and runs into College Coach, who was looking for her now that he’s off-duty for the night. Emily looks confused but goes with him to get a drink.
Spencer’s quest to find someone who recognizes Ali’s picture continues to not work, which is actually a relief, again because of how stupidly impractical this plan is. Spencer notices a phone on the wall with a number taped onto the handset and it has the same prefix as the parrot phone number. Her reverie is interrupted by Hanna who magically found her at this party and also brought her pink gun back into the party. She shows the gun to Spencer who freaks out and tells her that what she needs to do is return the gun to her father. Hanna says she’s not even going to give her father the chance to betray her mother. (Again.) Spencer tells Hanna to stay put while she goes to find Emily. Hanna sits down on a couch nearby, setting the bag on the couch, not clutching it for dear life like she should. FUCK. I already hate where this is going.
Spencer asks the sorority sister Emily was talking to where Emily is and she’s directed up the stairs, where Emily went with some guy. Spencer wanders down the hall and is pushed into a door by two drunk girls. She opens the door and finds a dark, dangerously unfinished attic-like space. She turns a light on and a creepy old radio starts playing. It looks like the kind of room where people get murdered. There’s also a pink phone in there. Spencer plugs it into a wall and makes a call.
Montgomery Manse. Aria’s phone rings with a mysterious number. She goes out to her porch to take the call. Spencer says the room looks like some kind of panic room. Or murder room. (L: You panic in it because of the murder.) She wonders if Ali was hiding out there, but Aria insists that Ali wasn’t calling herself. IDK, that bitch was/is crazy. Spencer says she has to go find Hanna and Emily and as she’s hanging up, it’s clear that she sees something. YOU STAY ON THE LINE WITH SOMEBODY WHEN YOU INVESTIGATE SHIT LIKE THIS. The thing she sees is what looks like hand clawing marks on a door.
Lor: So whoever was staying in there was maybe a law student!
Sweeney: Downstairs, Hanna’s getting shit spilled on her by drunk frat boys so she takes herself elsewhere. Emily notices Hanna leaving the party and follows, much to the chagrin of pervy College Coach.
Outside, Emily is struggling to find Hanna and College Coach grabs her hand and offers to help. Emily shoots him down, mentioning that she’s gay – which was necessary because the initial, “No,” wasn’t sufficient. (L: ANGRY NOISES.) He offers to help her anyway, but she swears she’ll be fine without him, thankyouverymuch.
Inside the party, Spencer comes back downstairs to find Hanna gone.
Emily walks out into the random woods adjacent to Greek Row. She hears the sounds of twigs snapping nearby but nobody answers when she calls out.
On the street, Spencer searches for Hanna in the party madness, with an equal lack of success.
Random Woods. Emily tells the twig snapper to identify themselves, but that request is ignored. She runs and a guy in a hoodie pops out and shoots silly string at her. “Welcome to college pre-frosh.” Awful. A bit later, though, she runs into Spencer. Spencer’s eager to find Hanna before she does something stupid.
On that subject, Hanna’s in the process of burying the gun in another part of the random woods when half a dozen cops appear. There were fucking bonfires in the street, but you needed this many guys to apprehend a teenage girl? OK. Cool. Hanna is arrested.
Emily and Spencer wander back onto the street just in time to see Hanna put into the back of a cop car and receive an A text:
A-nonymous: A is just making some tea. Adding some honey. Staring at sorority house photos containing the African Mask-owning house mother.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The LOLPD test the gun Hanna was caught with and Spoby takes a trip to Ravenswood in S04 E06 – Under the Gun.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Pingback: Pretty Little Liars S04 E06 – Bird leads()