Previously: Marissa finally figured out that Oliver was crazy when he got a gun. Anna got sick of Seth choosing Summer and broke up with him.
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The Heartbreak
Alex: It’s morning at the Cohen house. Sandy is fetching himself some juice when he gets shot in the face with a foam dart. The shooter is Kirsten, and shooting him in the face was her way of wishing him a happy Valentine’s Day. Sandy is unimpressed, not only because he just took a dart to the face before he’d even got his breakfast, but also because Valentine’s day isn’t actually until tomorrow.
Sweeney: That before breakfast is serious. Don’t fucking talk to me, let alone SHOOT DARTS AT MY FACE before I’ve had breakfast.
Lorraine: I’ve never seen Kirsten this excited. Maybe about wine that one time she was drunk, but that was less excited and more, well, drunk.
Alex: Sandy is preoccupied, worrying about how Ryan’s holding up. We learn that he’s no longer suspended from school, but Kirsten is too stoked about VALENTINES DAY!!! to dwell on that for more than a tenth of a second. She just wants everything to go back to normal, and what better way to do that than to celebrate a nice, happy holiday?
Unfortunately, her husband is a total Valentine’s Scrooge. He has a little rant about how commercial and meaningless the whole thing is. Seth appears and agrees that Valentine’s day sucks. He gets a foam dart to the back for siding with his dad, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, Kirsten then insults Chrismukkah! Oh no you didn’t, Kirsten. It’s been a long time since I watched the OC and my memory is pretty hazy on most things, but one thing I do know is that you do NOT talk trash about Chrismukkah.
Sweeney: WORD. It’s a sacred holiday.
Alex: The Cohens’ squabbling is interrupted by the arrival of Ryan. Things are awkward for a moment, but Kirsten is still stuck on the Valentine’s Day thing. She insists that Ryan come to the Valentine’s day gala that she’s organising tomorrow night, because everyone knows that after you talk down a man from suicide while he’s holding your ex-girlfriend hostage, a big fancy party is just the thing to cheer you up.
Califoooornia here we come!
After the credits, we’re at school and the walls are covered in pink hearts even though we just heard that Valentine’s day isn’t until tomorrow. OK, I have nothing against Valentine’s day, but everyone in the OC needs to calm down about this holiday. You get ONE day, people.
Sweeney: Rich people take extra days for holidays because money.
Alex: Ryan runs into Marissa. She’s happy to see him, and immediately goes in for a kiss, but he awkwardly dodges so that they end up doing an extremely uncomfortable hug/shoulder-pat thing instead. It seems that they haven’t spoken since the events at the hotel yesterday. Oliver is now in hospital, and Marissa tells Ryan that she just wants “everything to go back to normal.” I feel it would have been polite to have this conversation before she started swooping in for PDAs in the hallway. Ryan obviously feels the same way, and things remain tense as Marissa brings up the subject of Valentine’s day. He apologetically tells her that he’s already promised to go to Kirsten’s big fancy party, but Marissa is undeterred and invites herself to the party too, along with her friend the Awkward Turtle.
Summer is playing on the arcade machine when Seth rudely interrupts her and messes up her game. He’s here to simultaneously ask her out for Valentine’s day and tell her that he broke up with Anna, not really in any particular order. Summer quite rightly calls him ‘assface’ and tells him that she already has plans tomorrow night. She is, of course, going to his mum’s big Valentine’s Day dance, because every single character on the show is going to that thing, whether or not it makes sense for them to do so. I think this calls for the ‘another effing dance’ tag, yes?
Sweeney: Any excuse, really.
Alex: Sandy and Kirsten are meeting for lunch, but they quickly start bickering when he informs her he’s going to be late to the Big Effing Dance tomorrow night. Kirsten forbids it, telling him that the dance is super important to her and he needs to be there for her, just as she’s been there for him with the restaurant. He counters by saying that she’s never been surfing or golfing with him, and also that she snores like a freight train. While I did think Kirsten was being a bit of a brat about all this Valentine’s day stuff, Sandy is definitely not covering himself in glory here. Kirsten storms out, leaving Sandy to get lunch on his own.
Marissa’s house. Jimmy walks in and I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying because Disney’s Hercules was one of my favourite films as a kid and that’s all I can hear whenever he speaks.
Lor: WHAT? I DID NOT KNOW THIS. Tate Donovan just improved so much in my head. I really can barely stand his stupid face, so that’s a vast improvement. That’s a much better reason to be distracted, too, because I was focused on the little pony sticker on the outside of whatever book Marissa is reading. How old is she?
Alex: Anyway, Jimmy has a Valentine’s card (did I mention it’s still the day before Valentine’s day?) from a secret admirer, and some cookies. Marissa mopes about Ryan not instantly wanting to go back to hallway smoochies with her, and Jimmy advises her that it would be best not to bother with talking to him and to go with a ‘big romantic gesture’ instead. Yeah, I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Hercudad. (L: Did this parent just encourage his child not to use her words? Sandy Cohen is disappointed.) Jimmy can’t figure out who his cookies (which look freaking delicious, by the way) are from, but he gets an idea when Marissa asks if he’s kissed anyone recently.
Summer is lying on her bed watching TV, wearing a really horrible tracksuit. Seth shows up and ignores her when she tells him to go away, inviting himself into her bedroom instead.
Lor: She yells out that she’s studying naked which is a little line she learned from…
Alex: He’s come to explain what happened with Anna: it’s not that he’s choosing Summer now because Anna dumped him, it’s that she dumped him because he’s always been in love with Summer. OK, fair enough, but ‘it’s Valentine’s day tomorrow (by the way, my girlfriend dumped me), wanna go out with me?’ still isn’t the classiest way to ask someone out. Summer obviously forgives him, though, because she kisses him and then… well I guess she really forgives him because she takes all her clothes off. Although if I were wearing that tracksuit I’d probably get naked as quickly as possible too.
Sweeney: Nobody wants their first love to remember them in a tracksuit.
Alex: Julie’s house. Luke is at the door, pretending that he’s there to see Marissa, when in fact he stopped by to ask Julie to the dance. He must have realised she’s the only character who hasn’t been invited yet. She says she won’t be there because she’s too upset about Jim Robinson Caleb dumping her, but as Luke walks away she looks flattered and smiles to herself. Julie Cooper, you stop that right now.
Summer and Seth are lying in bed, post-sex, and from the looks on their faces it would appear that it didn’t go too well. Summer runs away with the duvet and leaves Seth to cover himself with a pillow.
Poolhouse. Marissa shows up with a red rose and pounces on Ryan in much the same way that Summer did with Seth, which I guess is the ‘big romantic gesture’ she’s chosen to go with. Ryan is not at all in the mood and quickly puts a stop to things. Marissa again tells him that she just wants things to go back to normal, and explains that this is her way of making things up to him. When Ryan is still not keen, Marissa gets embarrassed and walks out. Oh Marissa, it’s really not that difficult. Use your words, not your vagina!
Sweeney: A+ forever. This is my new favorite Traumaland saying.
Alex: It’s the next morning – Valentine’s day at last! – and Ryan is in the kitchen. Seth walks in like this:
His happiness is short-lived, however, as he starts freaking out about how bad the sex was. He goes into way more detail than anyone could ever possibly need about all the faces and noises he made, and also calls it “awful fish sex.” Ryan and I say “ew” in unison. Seth tries to ask Ryan for sex tips, but all Ryan can offer is “do it again.“
Meanwhile, Marissa and Summer are on the beach having their own version of this conversation. Marissa tells Summer that she and Ryan “decided to wait,” but when Summer starts lamenting the awful fish sex, Marissa changes her mind and admits that Ryan actually turned her down. She decides that this means that Ryan hates her, because that is literally the only explanation for him not wanting sex. To my dismay, Summer agrees with that theory, and they sadly sit there thinking about how bad sex and/or no sex must mean that their relationships are both doomed.
Cohen house. Kirsten and Sandy are still bickering in the kitchen. Seth walks in and asks his dad to give him ‘The Talk’, and Sandy looks sort of proud and terrified all at once. The doorbell rings and it’s Jimmy, bringing over the cookies he received from his secret admirer. Kirsten recognises the cookies as ones that Hailey used to make, and also reveals that Hailey sometimes stays on a friend’s boat down in the Newport harbour. Jimmy gets “Aha!” face.
Back in the kitchen, The Talk is underway. Seth can’t even get past the “did you use protection?” part before he starts freaking out about how much he doesn’t want to discuss this, and it only gets worse when Sandy starts talking about foreplay and how Cohens are “always ready to go.”
While I’m impressed with Sandy’s commitment to properly educating his son about these things, I really doubt that Seth wants to hear about his dad’s boners. I am seriously cringing on his behalf right now. And I’m sorry, but I found this gif while searching for the previous Lonely Island one and I can’t resist putting it here.
Sweeney: You’re doing gifs right.
Lor: Sandy’s Sexual Eyebrows and the word Penis are now way too close together. Everyone is going to need to shower after this post.
Alex: Worth it.
Preparations are underway for the Big Effing Dance. Luke is not-very-subtly probing Ryan about whether Julie will be coming tonight, and Ryan bumps into Theresa. It turns out that she’s going to be waitressing at the dance. She makes a snarky comment about all the rich people she’ll be serving, and then apologises (but not very sincerely) for talking that way about Ryan’s new friends.
Seth shows up in Summer’s bedroom again. They cringe over how bad the sex was yesterday, but Seth wants to give it another go. He attempts to get Summer in the mood by pinching her shoulder and blowing on her ear, until she decides that she’s had enough ‘foreplay’ and jumps on top of him again.
Outside the venue, Ryan is opening up to Theresa about everything that happened with Oliver. She’s a good listener, and she immediately recognises how much it hurt Ryan to have no one believe him.
Sweeney: BUT NO MENTION OF THE FACT THAT NOBODY BELIEVED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS BEING INSANE.
Lor: This entire plot line could’ve been improved with a simple, “yeah, man. I’m so embarrassed! I was acting cray.” And then we’d feel bad for Ryan, ’cause YEAH HE WAS.
Alex: So, yeah, this is probably where I should admit that I only rewatched the previous episode in preparation for this one, so Ryan’s craziness had kind of passed me by. Not having much of the build-up in my mind, it mainly seemed like Ryan was being right and everyone else was just ignoring him.
Ryan tells Theresa it’s good to talk to someone about it all at last, since everyone else has opted to make him go to parties/ask him for sex tips/throw their vaginas at him instead of Using Their Words in this episode. And on that note, Marissa steps outside and is surprised to find Theresa there. They make polite small talk and pretend they’re pleased to see each other, but it’s pretty clear that they’d all sooner listen to Sandy talk about boners than have this awkward conversation. (S: 1430.)
Later, Ryan is back home getting ready for the dance with Seth, who wants to talk about sex again. He’s squinting a lot because apparently Summer poked him in the eye with her big toe during Round Two. Um. OK. Aaaanyway, Seth is upset that things are going so badly with Summer, and is all for skipping the dance to avoid her. Ryan does want to go, though, because he wants to see Theresa.
Once again, the girls are having a symmetrical conversation to the boys, as Summer tries to persuade Marissa to skip the dance. However, knowing that Theresa is going has only made Marissa even more determined to be there. Summer also has a sex-related injury, and is limping around the room as a result. What the hell were she and Seth doing? Actually, don’t answer that.
Lor: Unrelated, have Marissa’s bangs always been there? Did they just show up? I’m confused.
Alex: Now that you mention it, they do look a lot more… bang-y than usual.
Jimmy shows up on the boat Kirsten mentioned earlier, and finds Hailey hanging out there with a very drunk lady. Hailey accepts Jimmy’s invitation to be the first customer at his new restaurant. I hope there are other people here too, because Very Drunk Lady probably shouldn’t be left alone on the boat.
Sweeney: She’s an unnamed character and, as such, nobody is obligated to care about her well being.
Alex: And finally, we’re at the Big Effing Dance! Sandy heads straight for the bar. Theresa is walking around serving canapes without having any clue what any of them actually are. I like you, Theresa, but you really should take more pride in your work. Summer and Marissa are up on the balcony spying on Ryan, and Marissa sad-pandas over how perfect Theresa is. She also reminds us that Ryan was once Snoopy in a school musical, and I of course mention this purely as an excuse to use this gif:
Julie did come to the dance after all. She was hoping that Caleb might be there, but since he isn’t, she decides that she’s going to head home for a bath and a bottle of wine. Good call, Julie. That sounds WAY more fun than this dance, where everyone is miserable and no one is actually dancing. (L: They keep having these dances; nothing ever goes well.)
Marissa corners Ryan and, once again, tries the ‘let’s just start over and act like everything is normal’ approach. Yeesht, Marissa. You really need to change tack. Unsurprisingly, Ryan isn’t on board with this idea. Meanwhile, Seth tracks down Summer to tell her that because they had bad sex twice, they should call it quits. There’s very sad tinkly piano playing over this scene and it’s kind of hilarious given how ridiculous Seth is being right now.
Jimmy and Hailey, the only two characters who aren’t at the Saddest Dance Ever, are unsurprisingly having a better evening than everyone else as they enjoy cookies and champagne in the empty restaurant. Jimmy tells Hailey to get out of the OC and live her life, because they can’t be together. Is this a sub-plot that anyone really cares about? (S: No.) (L: Nope. Even if he is Hercules.)
Theresa finds Ryan outside the dance, and teases him a little about his fancy new life. Ryan tells her he’s been thinking about coming home to Chino, while Theresa has been thinking about leaving. Theresa admits that she took the catering job hoping to run into Ryan. They exchange flirty smiles, and Ryan invites her back to the poolhouse.
Dance of Sadness. Marissa is crying alone at a table, and Sandy comes over to offer her some advice. He explains that everyone in Ryan’s life has abandoned him as soon as things got tough, and that Marissa needs to hang in there and prove that she’s not one of those people. This segues into a nice speech about how love isn’t always easy, but you stick with it through all the big fights and the silly arguments because it’s worth it in the end. Kirsten, of course, shows up just in time to overhear all of this. She finally forgives him and suggests that they go home, because seriously this dance is the worst.
Summer offers to take Marissa home, but they unfortunately step outside just in time to see Ryan getting into Theresa’s car. Marissa is devastated. We cut to Ryan and Theresa hanging out in the pool house, reminiscing about old times and looking very cosy together.
Over at Julie’s house, Luke is at the door and Julie answers in a very pink robe, glass of wine in hand. Luke has come to check on Julie, because he noticed how sad she looked at the dance. He proceeds to seduce her by telling her that her boyfriend is mega old, and that she’s always been the coolest mum, and that whenever he and his friends have discussed boning their friends’ mothers she’s always been top of the list. Apparently, hearing that she beat Kirsten is all it takes to win Julie’s heart. First, she does this:
Then she kisses Luke and invites him in.
Sweeney: JULIE, YOU WERE DOING SO MUCH CHARACTER BUILDING AND BECOMING SO LIKABLE. Hooking up with a 16-year-old who also happens to be your daughter’s ex-boyfriend? Yeah, pretty much never going to be able to let this one go.
Lor: No matter how much wine you chug.
Alex: Oops, yeah, I was so preoccupied with making the above gif (because that scene was just screaming to be giffed) that I sort of forgot to actually react: +1 to all of the above.
Kirsten and Sandy arrive home. Kirsten guesses that Sandy must be happy that Valentine’s day is over, but then opens the bedroom door to find the room filled with candles and rose petals and an absolutely enormous box of chocolates which covers most of their bed. Sandy shoots her with the silly foam arrow for good measure, and d’awww.
While his parents are getting it on, Seth is moping in his room apologising to Captain Oats for ruining his chance with Princess Sparkle. It’s kind of adorable, even though I still think Seth is being utterly ridiculous. Summer suddenly barges into his bedroom and I find myself wondering how she got into the house. I hope Sandy and Kirsten didn’t have to stop what they were doing to let her in. Summer confesses that Seth’s first time was actually her first time too.
They mope over how unspecial the whole thing was, so Seth suggests that they start over. He puts on some music, and Summer laughs at how cheesy he’s being, but is quickly won over and they slow-dance around the bedroom. In the end, I actually really like the way that this episode handled the whole First Time business. Most teen shows put so much emphasis on how it needs to be so perfect and special because virginity is this Really! Big! Deal!, so I like that Summer and Seth found the whole thing pretty anticlimactic, but quickly realised that it wasn’t the end of the world after all.
The cover of Oasis’ Wonderwall (which was a slightly odd choice of sexytimes music, Seth) (S: I expect previous recapper Molly will take those as fighting words. That scene is a BFD for Seth/Summer shippers.) carries us outdoors, where Marissa takes a deep breath and then bursts into the pool house to tell Theresa that Sookie Ryan Is Maaaaahn. Theresa isn’t there, but instead of apologising for storming in like a crazy jealous stalker, Marissa starts trying to kiss Ryan. Again. That makes it three times this episode that she has launched herself at his face when he obviously really, really doesn’t want her to. When he makes it clear that he still isn’t willing to insta-forgive her, she tearfully storms out again. Ryan sadly closes the door, and with that the episode ends.
Lor: You say, “sadly,” I say, “with his mouth hanging open and his tongue kind of poking out.” I don’t even know what that expression was. But okay. “Sad.”
Alex: Well, most of Ryan’s facial expressions say ‘uh oh, shouldn’t have eaten that burrito’ to me, but I took a wild guess here.
Final thought: Marissa drove me nuts in this episode. Sandy gave her some very good advice, but she completely ignored it, or at least wildly misinterpreted it. I guess that in her head, her repeated attempts to put her tongue in his mouth fit with the ‘not giving up’ part of that advice, but she made zero effort to actually win back his trust or show any real remorse for the way she treated him. Instead, she simply demanded forgiveness, and then made no further effort. In the end, she did exactly what Sandy told her Ryan was afraid of: turned her back on him as soon as things got difficult.
Well, that was fun! Thank you, Snark Ladies, for inviting me along to this fun little party. It’s been a long time since I watched The OC, so it was a nice trip down memory lane, and it was great to get a taste of what actually goes into writing the recaps which I’ve been enjoying for so long on this site. Incidentally, writing this was so much harder than I ever imagined (but tonnes of fun at the same time) and you guys deserve so much booze and cake for doing this on a regular basis!
Next time: Everyone’s keeping a secret and nobody is using their words properly on The OC S01 E20 – The Telenovela.
I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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