Previously: Anna decided that she was over teen soap opera life and headed back to Pittsburgh.
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The L.A.
Lorraine: Ryan and Seth are walking back to the hotel-apartment where Theresa was staying. Ryan left his watch. Seth asks him all kinds of awkward questions about when exactly he took the watch off. During the deed? During foreplay? Before foreplay, which he fears would be presumptuous? The fact that he picks on that one and not, say, taking off your watch mid-sex worries me. This one-sided bro-chat ends with Seth saying he likes to leave the watch on to try and beat his previous times.
Inside the office, the hotel-apartment worker makes things even more awkward when he asks if Theresa is Ryan’s girlfriend. Ryan blinks rapidly at him and looks like he might have to sneeze but it won’t come out. In Ben McKenzie, this might be interpreted as “uncomfortable.” They quickly collect the watch and leave.
Sweeney: I wonder if Ben McKenzie and Kristen Stewart went to the same acting school. “Brooding Teenager 101! Step 1: Blink a lot. Brooding teenagers fucking love to blink.”
Lor: A+.
Outside, Seth swears that one day they will look back on all of this and laugh. Ryan says he’s fine. Theresa is back with Eddie, where she belongs. Seth agrees. Ryan has a clean slate now and no women to protect from “violent goateed factory workers,” or “pill-popping manic-depressives.” Oh, we women! Always with the needing protection. Seth says Ryan has had nothing but lady-drama since he came to the OC, and takes it upon himself to declare Angst-Free Ryan Month. Ryan: Think it’ll last all month? Seth adjusts it to Angst-Free Ryan Week, with an option for an additional week. If he likes it. You just know he won’t, Seth.
As they get ready to leave, Seth spots Luke leaving one of the rooms. Julie follows him out of the room and they kiss passionately. Seth’s face conveys the proper amount of, “UM. EW.”
CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COME.
The next morning, Ryan and Seth are sitting around, being shocked and disgusted. Seth briefly wonders how Luke could do it, but quickly gives him the, “LOL because she’s hot,” free pass. (S: Because, to be clear, it’s gross for the How could SHE do it reason. The onus is not on teenagers to recognize their own youth. That’s ass backwards and wholly contrary to why it’s a problem.) Meanwhile, Ryan asks how Julie could do it to Marissa. (S: RIGHT.) Seth thinks Marissa cannot find out. The affair just has to end before they are discovered. Seth volunteers Ryan to take the reins in the meddling. ‘Cause he’s good at it. Or, as the last 21 episodes would seem to prove, he’s really, really bad at it.
Cohen Kitchen for Entertaining Guests at Ungodly Hours. Jimmy walks in as Sandy tries to handle some hot bagels. That’s not a metaphor for anything, but might still be a little sexual if you subscribe to the Sandy/bagels OTP. (S: The best OTP.) Jimmy is coming with some too-early-for-this-shit bad news: they’ve blown through their entire budget and are nowhere near ready for opening day of their restaurant. Sandy points out the supposed-to-be obvious: Jimmy Cooper is not good at managing money.
Jimmy says he’s going to spend the weekend looking for designers they can’t afford. Kirsten suggest getting a free designer. Namely, Julie. Jimmy moans and groans saying she’ll do to the restaurant the same thing she did to their marriage. Um. Leave you because you were a liar and a cheater? I don’t get it. But anyway, they really don’t have much of a choice, because money.
Summer and Marissa walk along the beach before school, in sweaters.
They stop because apparently everyone is just in places today to run into people. There’s some filming going on and Summer freaks out when she sees Grady Bridges who plays Jake Needleman on The Valley. Played by Colin Hanks who stared in Orange County with Jack Black. Summer says Colin Hanks is SO cute. Marissa is all, “um, really?” and once upon a time, Mischa Barton dissed her co-stars in an Elle interview. Summer says maybe not in the traditional way, but he’s hilarious. She hears he improvises all his scenes! (Adam Brody improvised a lot of his scenes. Plus the Snark Ladies were polled and 6/7 found Adam Brody cute, so this is definitely about him.)
Summer runs over to Colin Hanks and fangirls about how much he loves the show. He tells them he’s shooting on location for plot reasons, but Summer interrupts him because SPOILERS. Marissa admits she doesn’t even watch the show and gets punched in the arm by Summer.
Sweeney: Marissa’s, “I’m too cool for silly popular things,” attitude is probably, sadly, part of why 15-year-old me liked her. Don’t worry, I’m shaking my own damn head. Requisite shame face activated.
Lor: Especially because we’ve seen her watching the Valley before as the previouslies at the beginning of this episode pointed out.
At school, Seth and Ryan are still discussing gross Juke (Luklie? JuLu?) sex. They run into the girls and Summer shrieks that she has the craziest news ever. Seth and Ryan give each other significant looks. Summer tells them about meeting Colin Hanks, who invited them to his birthday party. Seth is less than thrilled that a Hollywood star is inviting his girlfriend to party but she brushes that off. She runs off to show more people her flip phone picture of Colin Hanks. Marissa asks Ryan about Theresa and he vagues that they are taking some time apart. It’s super awkward. Thankfully, the bells at TV high schools are programmed to ring during situations just like this.
Newport Group. Julie is looking over pictures of the restaurant and making her recommendations. She gives them an estimate of how much everything will cost, but they still have no money. Kirsten offers to chip in which Sandy vehemently refuses. Julie suggests getting help from Caleb which everyone thinks is a good idea, except Sandy. He seems to give in at the end when Jimmy reminds him that they have no money. I don’t understand why Sandy would ever take money from Caleb and not Kirsten, but okay contrivance!
Improbable Student Lounge. Luke is playing pool and Ryan casually hits him with a, “have sex with Julie Cooper today?” Luke does that TV staple where he’s so surprised he misses the pool ball completely. Luke first tries to deny it but then says that he truly has a connection with Julie. Oh, honey. Luke swears that Marissa won’t find out about it, but Ryan reminds him about what happened in Tijuana. Marissa is going to LA the next day, so Ryan sternly tells Luke to end things with Julie.
Cohen House. Seth is watching The Valley. Ryan wants to talk about Luke but Seth tells him to hold while he finishes the episode. Ryan looks at the TV and quickly says that Colin Hanks is just like Seth. He has a whole freak-out because Colin Hanks IS just like him, but with his own TV show. Seth worries that if they go to LA, the “real-life-TV Seth Cohen” will steal Summer from him. Ryan says they have to go because while they are away, Luke is going to break up with Julie.
Plot complication! Marissa comes to tell Ryan that she isn’t going to LA because she thinks the best thing for them is to spend some time apart. She says things have been intense ever since he showed up, and I guess since she was blackout drunk in the driveway that first episode, she doesn’t remember that her life was intense before he got there. Anyway, Ryan stares after her as she goes.
The next morning, Ryan has slept on it and his big plan is to not go to LA so Marissa will go. Seth doesn’t approve. Ryan says they don’t even know if the Cohens will let them go. Seth has it handled and after some banter, Ryan and Seth walk out to where Sandy and Kirsten are having breakfast. Seth starts with flattery.
Seth asks about the party in Hollywood and Sandy’s Eyebrows decree a, “hell no.” His lips barely move when he says it, so I firmly believe it was the eyebrows talking. Seth argues that he could’ve lied to them, but tried that whole stupid truth thing. Seth tags Ryan in and he goes for the no frills method: It’s just a birthday party. We’ll be home by midnight. No drinking, no drugs or fighting. Sandy says that covers the obvious, but wants to know whose party. Kirsten recognizes Colin Hanks’s name. Seth begs and Sandy gives in, telling them to be home by 11:30 and not a second later on account of LA will steal their soul. Actors ragging on LA! JOKES.
Now, all they have to do is convince Marissa to go, but “they” really means “Ryan,” because Seth is making him do it alone.
Sweeney: Rude. Seth has a considerably less awkward, more valid play in that he can ask her to go because it would make Summer happy.
Lor: Cut to Ryan visiting Marissa. She’s wearing a shirt that looks has this candy-hearts looking string across the front that also doubles as a sleeve. I really hope you can eat those things when you get hungry. She’s also holding “Luke’s puka shells,” and that off-handed line made me lol forever. (S: SAME. AMAZING.) Anyway, Ryan is there to convince Marissa to go to LA.
She asks if he really wants her to go and he replies that it isn’t about what he wants, but about what she needs. She busts out laughing but still agrees to go.
Back with the adults, Sandy is being a pain in the ass about Caleb helping him, even though Caleb totally owes him a favor. One thing leads to another and a plan is devised to have their new chef cook for a business meeting Caleb is having. They can’t do it at the under construction restaurant, so Kirsten offers up their house.
Road trip! Is this like the third or fourth one this season? These kids are doing being rich right. Marissa is complaining to Summer about how Julie is hardly home anymore. Summer says that sounds awfully affair-like. To distract them, Seth yells, “flying car!” Then corrects that actually it’s a plane. Nice one, Seth. Ryan says Julie is just working and Seth changes the subject completely to who they think will be at the party. Summer hopes for Orlando Bloom.
Seth’s votes are for Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley or Kate Bosworth. Summer slaps him over the head. Ryan tells everyone to calm down because the night will be fun. That makes the girls the most suspicious of all.
Sweeney: WHAT IS THIS “FUN” OF WHICH YOU SPEAK?
Lor: Caleb drops Julie off at her house and asks again for a date. Julie says they should wait and see how the night goes. As Caleb pulls away, Luke runs out from the bushes scaring the bejeezus out of Julie. Luke, you shouldn’t scare your older girlfriends that way. Heart attacks are real things. Luke complains about her being with Caleb and she shushes him with kisses. She tells him she doesn’t have a lot of time and Luke says they’ll definitely talk after.
Club. Colin Hanks greets the girls and pulls them away, leaving the boys to sulk in the background. “How does that guy play high school?” Ryan asks bitterly. “Hollywood, man,” Seth replies.
Sweeney: LOL. Love. Plus, you know, Colin Hanks was born in 1977 to their ’78 and ’79. He’s A WHOLE YEAR older than Ben! It’s the year that really makes the difference.
Lor: As the girls walk through the club, we see people snorting cocaine. Marissa thought it was a cliché that young Hollywood did cocaine with strippers. Considering the fate that followed for poor Mischa Barton, clichés are clichés for a reason. (S: THIS META MOMENT WAS THE BEST ONE OF ALL BECAUSE IT WAS ACCIDENTALLY META. 1430 for you, writers.) Colin Hanks introduces the girls to his team, including a producing partner. They just acquired the rights to The Golden Girls, which makes Summer happy, until she hears they are going to make them young and hot.
Ryan leaves a message for Luke to make sure he broke it off with Julie. Colin Hanks leads Summer through the club with Seth following behind. PARIS HILTON walks in between them, AND WE’VE NOW COVERED TWO PARIS HILTON GUEST APPEARANCES. I don’t know how this became my life. I also don’t know if her lip gloss or her forehead is shinnier.
Ryan and Marissa don’t want to meet the rest of the cast so they are going to stand around each other and be awkward. The stripper that is dancing behind Ryan grabs him by the shoulders and hey! It’s actually Hailey. Of all the cliche clubs in all the world…
Hailey can’t talk, though, because her boss tells her to get back to dancing.
Julie is late because the sex went on for a while, I guess. Maybe Luke had to pause to take off his watch. They didn’t get to talk but Julie says she has to go be with the adults as she rushes off. Because of course she doesn’t view suspiciously-18-Luke as an adult.
Sweeney: Of course not. -_-
Lor: In the Cohen house, Caleb is making a speech about how Newport used to be a glamorous town that attracted stars. The Lighthouse will be that kind of glitzy restaurant. Sandy interrupts that actually, he was thinking that it could be like it was in the old days, not for outsiders, but from Newport for Newport. Kirsten, ever the peacemaker, says it can be both. Jimmy calls it a bridge from Newport to the world and there is polite, business clapping. Julie runs in on a wind of awkwardness and apologizes for being late. Caleb kisses her and says she’s glowing. Ew. Outside, Luke is driving away when he hears Ryan’s threatening message. He does a big u-turn and heads back.
Cohen Kitchen. Sandy asks Jimmy if he’s happy with this crowd. Jimmy isn’t, but they can’t help it because they need Caleb’s money. Also, contrivance. Sandy thinks having nothing would be better than this, but Jimmy is broke and unemployed, so he thinks differently.
Sweeney: My instinct is to always side with Sandy and the Eyebrows, but as a poor blogger, I have to give Jimmy a fist bump of solidarity on this one.
Lor: Sandy gets a call. It’s Ryan, tattling on Hailey for being a stripper. Mostly Sandy gets upset that there were strippers at the party, probably because he’s not THAT surprised about Hailey. He tells them to leave Hailey alone and to get home pronto. Jimmy is all, “Hailey? Where? Where? Is she okay? Where?” Sandy tells him the name of the club, and after he hangs up with Ryan, says they’ll deal with Hailey tomorrow. They aren’t going to let her ruin another evening.
Julie and Kirsten walk in to say how excited everyone is. Caleb follows behind and gets a big whiff of something unpleasant. What’s on the menu for the night? Nana Cohen’s Meatloaf. Kirsten Peacemaker says it is on the restaurant’s menu, but Caleb calls it a menu for lunatics. He threatens that they don’t have a restaurant without him and then don’t have him with meatloaf. Jimmy speaks up and holds his ground. This restaurant was supposed to be fun, and if Caleb wants to ruin everything about it, that’s fine, but he’s out. He wishes everyone goodnight and Sandy good luck as he leaves. Caleb seems a little more resigned, though he does say that’s why Jimmy’s bankrupt. He’s hungry, though, so he tells them to hurry up. Sandy tells the chef a lot is riding on the meatloaf and he raises his eyebrows sky-high, because he doesn’t have a SAG card, apparently.
Luna Chicks. Ryan wants to grab Seth and Summer and go, but Marissa insists that they find Hailey and also insists on going with him to do it. The Coopers are much more enthusiastic about finding Hailey than the Cohens are.
Summer sits with Colin Hanks and his team. They are drinking and Summer seems to be a little bit disenchanted, but still smiling. Seth is at the bar standing in a line when Paris Hilton walks up to him again. He asks how she’s doing and she says she’s exhausted because she was up all night working on her thesis, “magical realism in American literature.” AHAHAHA. She tells Seth not to tell anyone she’s in grad school. Safe to say, probably no one would believe him.
Colin Hanks asks Summer if she wants to see a new episode of The Valley. Of course she does, but first she wants to grab Seth. When she looks over, she sees Paris Hilton reaching in Seth’s pockets and pulling out his cell phone. Paris takes a selfie and for the third time this episode we hear that phone pictures are the autographs of the 21st century. Someone, somewhere thought that line was funny. It was probably someone’s grandparent. Upset that Paris Hilton touched her man, Summer lets herself be led away by Colin Hanks.
Casa Cohen. Sandy is nursing some wine, poolside. Caleb comes out to poke the “Jimmy quit on you” wound and Sandy turns it around. He knows Jimmy actually went to go get Hailey from the dreaded stripper business. “That’s where my partner went. That’s why he’s my partner.” It certainly isn’t because he’s good with the money.
Summer and Colin Hanks watch the new episode in his limo. He shushes her when he’s on screen and then wants to talk when he isn’t. Summer wishes she were from The Valley (S: LOLOLOL) and Colin Hanks chews his gum so enthusiastically, it kind of looks like he’s trying to eat Summer’s head.
Ryan and Marissa find Seth who has now lost Summer. Seth is distracted by a nearby dancer and is greatly distributed when she turns around- it’s his aunt Hailey. Seth runs up to Hailey and basically tells her Kirsten is going to freak when she finds out about this. Hailey suggests not telling her. Besides, what’s so bad about stripping? Seth is all, “GIRL. HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR MAKE-UP?” (Really he says she looks terrible and honestly part of it could be attributed to her horrible extensions. It kind of looks like my Cabbage Patch doll’s hair when I used to crimp it with the special crimping brush it came with.)
The club owner comes over to manhandle Hailey, so we’re clear this is a BAD SITUATION. Ryan gets shouty and Seth says they just want to grab their aunt more gently than the bouncers would and get out of there. They do in fact get out of there, thanks to the bouncer shoving them out the back door. The club owner basically gives a, “and stay out!” Ryan is very unhappy. Maybe because he’s grown to absolutely hate alleys.
The kids sit in defeat for a second, trying to decide what to do. They have to find Hailey and Summer, so Seth suggests they split up. After failing to scale a wall, he decides to go around. Marissa suggests to Ryan that they go in the VIP entrance. Ryan says the obvious: they aren’t VIP. Marissa says it’ll be totally fine, because it’s Hollywood!
Casa Cohen, the meatloaf is a hit, obviously. Nana Cohen wouldn’t steer you wrong. Julie goes into the kitchen for more wine and while she’s standing by the sink, Luke pops up and beckons her outside. She gives him fierce, “GO THE HECK AWAY” eyes and he drops down out of sight again. Julie heads back out to the dining room and Luke appears again. I’m not sure how they aren’t noticed, what with Luke’s pounding on the door and Julie stomping back through the kitchen. She opens the door and yells at Luke to go wait in the bushes by her house.
Luna Chicks. A bouncer yells at Marissa that his entrance is VIP only. Ryan strolls up and Marissa starts, “OH MY GOD”ing, telling the bouncer all about how Ryan is a star on The Valley. Ryan looks like he’s trying to swallow air right now, so I’m not sure how the bouncer buys this performance, but okay. He lets Ryan in and Marissa begs to follow. The bouncer says he should go for it. “You’re only a teen idol once.” At least Ben McKenzie has a new show coming this fall. Is Hart of Dixie still on? Why isn’t Adam Brody working more? And, well, Mischa Barton.
In the limo, they are watching dailies now and Summer is incredibly bored. Colin Hanks pulls out a CD for entertainment, but it turns out to be his own band. Summer is over it, but Colin Hanks doesn’t get the memo, and instead leans in for the kiss. Summer jumps away from him. Seth opens the limo door at that moment. He heard the awful music and knew it could only be, “self-indulgent actors with instruments.” HEY. Adam Brody was in a band. The other door opens and it’s a girl Summer recognizes from the show. She asks Colin Hanks what’s happening and Summer deduces that they are dating.
Of course, they broke up.
Sweeney: That was much later, though – so more excellent foreshadowing, writers!
Lor: Anyway, Colin Hanks chases after his upset girlfriend and Summer smiles at Seth and apologizes. Can they go home now? She just wants to be around real people. Seth points out that they still live in Newport.
Hailey is leaving the dressing room, her awful extensions now gone. Marissa and Ryan appear and insist she’s coming with them. Hailey resists long enough that they are spotted again by the owner and the bouncer who shoves them out of the club. Again. Ryan gets all up in the bouncer’s face, which is impressive since he’s way smaller, while the owner asks what he’s going to do. Jimmy Cooper saunters up and asks what he’s going to do. Hit a kid? Marissa calls out, “Dad?” The owner gives the most hilarious line of, “What’re you? Dad?” Um. Not your dad? Is that a trick question? Jimmy asks, “what’re you?” A guy his age still pretending to be 25? The owner backs down and tells them again to stay out of his club.
Jimmy says Sandy got held up in Newport. He tells the kids to get going home. He’ll give Hailey a lift. Hailey is clearly embarrassed. She starts to make excuses for her stripping ways, but Jimmy says it doesn’t matter. He asks if she wants to go home. She does, so he hugs her and they walk off.
Seth, Summer, Ryan and Marissa walk to their car which is parked far away because LA. Seth says they make a good team with him as the brains and Ryan as the brawn. Marissa argues that she could be the brains but her argument is drowned out by a sea of laughter. Ryan says she’s the beauty. Summer asks what she is. “The boobs?” Seth suggests and she whacks him. “The bitch?” Not really since her character got some development! She’ll take the boobs and Seth says so will he.
Julie finds Luke and before she can say much, he says they can’t do this anymore. Julie recovers from her disbelief (“You’re breaking up with me?”) to say he’s right. He leaves and Julie whips out her phone. She calls Caleb and says that when he’s ready for their date, she is.
Pool House. Ryan throws himself into bed and Marissa asks if it’s okay if she hangs out in there. Ryan awkwardly sits up, because he probably should be in sexual on positions on the bed, or something. The rehash the whole, “Seth is the brains” thing and Marissa whacks him with a pillow.
Marissa heads off to the bathroom because pillow fights make her want to tinkle. Luke lets himself into the pool house and loudly announces, for reasons that are nothing beyond contrivances! drama! plot! angst!, “I’m done having sex with Julie Cooper!” Of course, Marissa is just coming out of the bathroom. Ryan tries to stop her from running out and she realizes this is why he took her to LA. Ryan explains that he didn’t want her to find out this way and Marissa runs out anyway. Luke got spared a lot of the reaction there, so that worked out well for him.
Next time: Seth’s Nana comes to visit from Florida and she’s not a big fan of the soap opera shit either in The OC S01 E23 – The Nana
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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