The OC S01 E23 – Nana is only nice when she plays by her own rules

Previously: The gang went up to LA and decided it was gross.
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The Nana

Renee: Forewarning: I’ve never seen a single episode of The OC until right now. And I’m starting with Episode 23 so I’m sure it’s going to make total sense. From what I understand, it’s about a bunch of rich white dudes, maybe in a blended family, set in California (arguably one of my least favorite states) (S: REALLY? SADZ.), and deals with rich people problems like sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Totally like my life.

Let’s do this.

We start out with a missing biddy (Marissa) and a couple of hotties with the bodies (HWB) looking for her. Side note: I just watched a Veronica Mars episode where some girlfriend was all worried about her beau because he had been missing for a couple of hours. Like, maybe he just went out for Slurpees or something. Is there no privacy anymore? Sometimes a girl just wants to be left alone, okay? If my mom or partner decided to call the police after a few hours or even a night, I’d be a little pissed. Okay, actually that happened once, and I was pissed, but it was because I was on a field trip in Italy and I missed the bus back to Rome so I just took the train. The police wouldn’t let the professor report me missing BECAUSE I WAS GONE FOR THREE HOURS. Did Marissa hop a plane to Africa? Doubt it. Stop worrying. She’s fine.

Lorraine: I have a feeling part of me would be pissed if no one worried, though. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THOUGHT I WAS FINE? IT WAS THREE HOURS.” There’s no winning.

Sweeney: So maybe the middle ground is to be seriously concerned about it and probably tweet a little, but don’t, like, do anything proactive about it.

Renee: The hotties with the bodies (HWBs) wake up the nerdy Jewish kid (Adam Brody) and he solidifies his nerdiosity by quoting Lord of the Rings? Right. Moving on.

So HWB #1, Luke, apparently slept with Marissa’s mom.

Why is sleeping with older ladies a totally normal thing to do in teen shows? Seriously, I want to know. Do that many teenage guys have hot-for-teacher/MILF fantasies? Or do that many women wish they were cougars? HOW IS THIS SUCH A COMMON TELEVISION STORY TROPE?

Lor: GIRL. We’ve been asking ourselves that question all the time since we started recapping.

Renee: We learn that Marissa has a history of hurting herself. (Can you blame her when her mom is a total flooze? I’d be pretty effed up, too.) Marissa’s MHLF (Mother that Hotties Like to, uhh, Fornicate with) insists she needs to find her poor helpless mentally unstable daughter and then HWB #2, Ryan, is all “Not if I find her first,” like murderers say. (L: Completely murder-y. Very Christian Grey.) There are references to Marissa’s stint in rehab or the psych ward or something. I’m getting the feeling that Marissa isn’t the one who needs help here. Maybe her mom who likes to bang underage dudes should also check in next time. Joint rooms! Group discount! Shared needles!

SHIT DID THIS REALLY ALL GO DOWN BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS EVEN STARTED?

Sweeney: All that childhood trauma (borderline pedophilia! self-harm! and we haven’t even gotten to the alcoholism!) takes some getting used to. This show has nothing on Veronica Mars – Traumaland’s reigning champion of excessively long teasers.

Renee: We arrive at the breakfast table where the entire family eats a single blueberry. I hope the show’s crew got to eat some of those pancakes because man, that’s a lot of food to waste. But from what I understand, no one in Orange County actually ever eats (and by the end of the show, though its main thread is Seder dinner, we actually never see anyone eat), so I guess this is legit. By the way, how old are these mothers? Like 34? ::incoherent mumbling about the age of women in Hollywood:: (S: Wait until you meet Seth’s aunt…)

Sandy, the weird-lipped patriarch, drops this bomb on his wife: “Hey honey, you’re cute in your silk robe. Wanna host AN ENTIRE SEDER DINNER FOR MY MOM AND OUR BAJILLION GUESTS TONIGHT? I already said you would. Surprise!!!!!! I’m the best. Isn’t this a great way to dupe my mom into cooking for us!?!?! She’s such a scary bitch, it’s the least she could do!!!!” That’s right. Invite Mom for Passover and make her cook for you. This family is full of winners, isn’t it?

Everyone keeps referring to Nana as “The Nana.” WTF. This is getting real old real quick. Plus I keep thinking about that show The Nanny with Fran Drescher. The OC would have been four hundred million times better if Fran Drescher had played The Nana. (L: OMG. MENTAL IMAGE. And it is awesome.)

Sweeney: I wasn’t actually paying close enough attention to know who said “The Nana” first – I’m betting it was Seth, but it might have been Sandy. In any event, one of them earned the gold star:

Renee: Cut to Rachel Bilson’s bedroom. Man, her character suuuuucks. Her room is painted lilac with white furniture and lots of frills. I am embarrassed to admit that my bedroom was decorated the exact same way… when I was 7. Grow up, Rachel. When she insists on meeting his nana (The Nana), Adam Brody gets a little rapey: “I’m not ashamed of you, I’m protective. You’ll thank me later.” Uh, unless Nana has machetes for hands, I think you’re cool, Rach. But apparently The Nana is a social worker in the Bronx and everyone is soooooo worried she’s going to get all “righteous.” And by “righteous” they mean, “caring for the poor and downtrodden.” HAHAHAHA OHHHH NANA YOU SO CRAZY.

Lor: I bet The Nana lives in an apartment and doesn’t own a car. Poor people are the craziest.

Renee: Guess what? Nana (not Fran Drescher) arrives and she’s not so bad. (Although, her flight arrived early so she just showed up at the house. Wouldn’t she have flown into LAX? With LA traffic, how early could that flight have been? Unless this family lives in the control tower, the show is asking for me to suspend my belief a little too far here.) The Nana is happy to see everyone and doesn’t say anything snide in the first 30 seconds. WOW!! She even says California is an okay place. Everyone is all, NANA WHAT IS WRONG ARE YOU SICK? The 34 year old mom Kirsten adds, “Maybe she’s changed! Yeah, no, that’s effed. There’s something wrong.” Because heaven forbid the old broad is nice for once. But it’s television, so there actually is something wrong. Sigh… This scene would have been SO much better with Fran Drescher. (S: Objective truth.)

Meanwhile, hottie with the body Ryan goes to the slums of Orange County to find Marissa who is there for an engagement party or some shit. (L: LOL. CLOSE ENOUGH.) Marissa hates seeing his puppy dog face and threatens to run away. (For someone who looks the same age as the moms on the show, I feel like “running away” isn’t an applicable thing.) (S: In spite of her inability to act, Mischa Barton was actually the most age appropriate casting on the show – she was 17 when the show started filming. But also, drugs. So.)

Meanwhile, Haley and Jimmy sort of have a thing going on, but Jimmy thinks he can’t juggle sexin’ and restaurantin’ at once. That’s what walk-in coolers are for, dumbass. (L: A+)

Back to Nana. Sandy tells her that he left the PD so he could spend more time at home with family. Anyone who has ever worked in a family-owned restaurant knows how bunk that statement is. The owners are there 24/7, placing orders, butchering meat, fixing freezers, running dishes, seating tables, answer the phones, making schedules, etc. The only way a restaurant owner sees his family is if they work there, too. (I’ve dealt with my share of privileged bus boys.) But, except for Kiersten’s stripping sister, I don’t think a single character on this show actually works. And I’ve never seen a restaurant owner who looked so well-rested. This show is whack but this might be the wackiest part.

Lor: The restaurant hasn’t opened yet! See, Sandy is in fact a lawyer at a big-time law fir… never mind. That makes it wackier.

Renee: They pry and pry and finally Nana answers the question, “What are you doing here, really?” BOOM. I HAVE CANCER, BITCHES. I BET YOU FEEL BAD NOW.

They do.

Cut to Ryan’s puppy dog face again. The engagement party he’s crashed belongs to his ex and her new fiance. They all used to hang together but there’s some bad blood and the new fiance isn’t too keen on Ryan’s surprise appearance. Basically, Ryan is being threatened by the Jets and he’s the only Shark in town. Ugh, life.

Back to Nana who is apparently back to her usual bitchy self, making brisket and dishing it up with a side of guilt trips. (I would, too, if I had just traveled across the country to relax with my family and they force me to cook for all of their friends and family.) Then she screams “I hate this state, I hate sunshine, I hate the ocean, I hate Schwarzeneggar!” and basically sums up my life philosophy. I get you, Nana. Let’s move back to the Bronx and fix people, k?

We’re back over at Marissa’s house, and her MHLF answers the door and hottie with the body Luke is there. MHLF pretty much tells him that sleeping with him was a big mistake. She screwed up and therefore Marissa has to go back to the looney bin. Because LOGIC.

Lor: I go back and forth with Julie. Basically, when she’s dealing with Jimmy – on her side. When she’s trying to be a parent – NO. MAKE HER STOP.

Sweeney: That. All of that.

Renee: Next, The Nana and Adam Brody share a moment. Everyone is convinced Nana has a death wish and is such a heinous bitch for always leaving them (e.g. working to support Sandy when his dad ran out, dying of cancer, the usual…) but she’s really just being realistic. Taking the role of the family shiksa very seriously, Kirsten throws The Nana some faux-Jewish guilt (btw, as a Catholic, I definitely thought we had a monopoly on guilt), and Nana decides to go home to get treatment. Once again, Nana sacrifices her dignity for her ungrateful family. Just let the old lady die on her own accord, you guys.

Back at the engagement party, Marissa throws a tantrum (that’s teen-drama-television-speak for OH NOES SHE’S UNSTABLE).

            Then Luke shows up and is like, “It’s not your mom’s fault that we slept together! Her clothes came off in an earthquake and I fell down dick-first into her crotch!” (Okay, he didn’t say that, but how could it not be their fault that they slept together? It seems mighty consensual. No one “accidentally” bangs a hot mom.) (S: And as Julie actually pointed out, she’s the grown up in this scenario, making it almost entirely her fucking fault.) Marissa grows a pair, slaps him, and is like, “What, you guys think I’m crazy or something?” Because if I know anything about Marissa, it’s that everyone thinks she’s nutso but, really, she’s actually the only reasonable character in the show.

Lor: That’s probably the funniest thing. I think you got the one episode in which Marissa looks comparatively normal. I’m having a hard time believing that you’ll walk away from this experience thinking Marissa is the only reasonable character. My only hope is that you’ll actually forget the episode entirely.

Sweeney: Forgetting is definitely the best strategy.

Renee: Finally, Ryan realizes the same thing and I imagine they’ll be bangin’ within three episodes.

We end with prayers around the Seder table and emo guitar music. Califooorniaaaaaaaaaa…….

Things I didn’t figure out until after the episode was over:

• This is not a blended family. I guess Sandy and Kiersten have always been married (much to Nana’s bleeding heart liberal chagrin).
• Adam Brody is their kid and they adopted an overgrown manchild, Ryan, somewhere along the way.
• Everyone has a lot of sex with everyone. Actually, it’s a teen drama. I could have guessed that. But was anyone’s real life actually like that?
• There are a LOT of characters. I didn’t even really start with Rachel Bilson’s storyline in this recap (spoiler: she tries to “out-Jew” Adam Brody).
• The whole Haley-Jimmy thing was super weird, that’s not even mentioning the part where Haley was just busted dancing in a strip club (one of the nice ones, Jimmy insists).

 

This show is exhausting. Why was it so popular? The actors aren’t even that attractive.

Sweeney: I was about to be all, “Yes, you’re right! This show is exhausting and illogical!” But then you questioned the attractiveness of Adam Brody and now I’m afraid I have to challenge you to a duel of some sort. Good thing the recap is over because I don’t actually want to do that at all.

Next time on The OC: Luke gets in a near-fatal car accident and Caleb proposes to Julie in S01 E24 – The Proposal.

(Renee: Who the hell are Caleb and Julie?!)