Previously: We met Jerky McPhee, and had all kinds of Jack-related feels. Also, Pacey continued to be a badass.
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Be Careful What You Wish For
Democracy Diva: Shrine O’Spielberg. Pacey has run right over because Dawson is in panic mode. It’s mere minutes away from Dawson’s sixteenth birthday, and Dawson thinks he is still as useless a human being as he was a year ago. Yup. Definitely true.
Kirsti: SO TRUE OMG.
Diva: Dawson waves around a bloody prop hand (that’s not British slang – it actually has fake blood on it) as he wonders why he has gotten nowhere in the last year. Maybe it has something to do with your room looking like a murder crime scene? Dawson says that all he did in the last year was figure out his feelings for Joey, and she dumped him for a gay guy. Far be it from me to try and pad Dawson’s ego, but c’mon, bro. You did win a film festival award. I mean, I don’t actually know who you had to sleep with and/or murder to get that award, since your movies are terrible, but it’s still an accomplishment. And certainly a more impressive one than figuring out that you have feelings for a girl who everyone with a functioning brain knows you’re in love with.
K: Given that the only other entry we know of is “Helmets of Glory” produced by the Capeside High film class, and which had to be rescued by Dawson, I’m not sure there was much competition for the prize…
Diva: Excellent point. Anyway, Dawson has some bullshit, offensive conspiracy theory about gay guys being friends with straight girls, and tells Pacey to keep an eye on Andie. Because, I don’t know, her brother will try and turn her gay? Not sure of what Dawson’s trying to say here, but no matter what it is, I’m certain he’s wrong. Pacey tells Dawson to take some definitive action for once, and Dawson creepily holds a prop head as he says he’s going to get Joey back. Oh, good! Because we hadn’t revisited that plotline for like, a whole minute and a half!
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
Leery Manor. Mitch has surprised his family by arriving and making Dawson’s birthday breakfast, because calling people before you show up to their house is not a thing on television. Of course, Mitch and Gail immediately leave Dawson to eat breakfast alone as they go out on the porch to fight about money. Mitch wants to know if they’re still doing a joint present, and I’m thinking that the morning of his actual birthday is maybe a little bit too late to have this conversation. Gail tells him that she bought Dawson a new Explorer, and then complains that Mitch isn’t paying enough of the bills. Girl, if paying the bills is an issue, DON’T BUY YOUR SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD A NEW CAR. And Dawson overhears most of this from the world’s saddest breakfast table, because his parents are morons who don’t know how to close a door.
K: I was literally about to add a “and Dawson overhears all this because his parents can’t close doors” to the end of the “fight about money” sentence, then realised you’d already covered it. SNARK LADY MINDMELD!
Diva: BEST MINDMELD!
Ice House. Joey and Pacey are going over plans for Dawson’s surprise party, until Jack walks in and makes everyone uncomfortable. When he leaves, Pacey asks how Joey’s handling all of this. She insists that she’s fine – Jack is the one really going through something, not her. She was surprised, but she’s dealing. She makes her patented awkward Joey face and leaves.
Abby and two Abby wanna-bees show up to the Ice House and ask if Jack is “the gay guy.” They’re all, ZOMG I didn’t know there were even gay people in the universe besides Ellen! And they say a lot of other seemingly-friendly but actually hideously-offensive stuff about what a “waste” it is that he’s gay. Jack says he’d take that as a compliment “if it wasn’t coming from Satan,” and Abby’s all, I may have been a complete asshole in the past, but I’m perfect now! Jack looks skeptical, as he should.
Cut to Andie at therapy. She talks about the panic attacks she gets from trying to be the glue that holds her fucked-up family together. She tells her doctor that more than anything, she wishes she could be one of those people who does what makes them happy without caring about what other people think. (K: Do these people really exist?? And if so, are any of them NOT asshats? Because they kind of sound like they’d be asshats…) Doctor tells Andie to treat herself to one night of imperfection – one night to stop worrying about other people’s expectations for her and just have fun.
Ice House. Bessie tells Joey to take off early and get ready for Dawson’s party. Joey broods about how there’s no point in looking cute since her boyfriend is gay. Joey knows that Jack’s sexuality isn’t about her, but she still isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do next. Bessie gives her some excellent advice – pursue your art, find yourself, and stop worrying about guys. On cue, Dawson arrives, presumably to be all MARRY ME TOMORROW EVEN THOUGH WE’RE FIVE YEARS OLD and stuff.
K: Ugh. I cannot even begin to tell you guys how much better this show would be if Dawson Leery wasn’t in it.
Diva: I think about that every time I watch an episode.
Chez Grams. Ty is helping her wrap Dawson’s birthday present and creeps about how he can feel it when she’s staring at him. They kiss, but Ty stops it, because Grams is in the next room. (K: TY, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? How the hell did Jen not dump your ass after Grams’ mic drop about his homophobia last time?!) (D: AMEN.)
Back to Dawson and Joey, who are for the first time actually acknowledging that it’s cold out! I mean, they’re not wearing gloves because that would just be smart, but at least they’re in coats, and Joey’s wearing a hat. It’s something, you guys! Anyway, Dawson is all:
And Joey, rightfully, is like:
K: A+ gif selection, girl.
Diva: I was pretty proud of those.
Dawson tries (and fails) to convince her that they’re soul mates, and then storms off with some comment about snow that is probably supposed to be meaningful.
Leery Manor of Surprise Parties. Bessie tells Joey that things with her and Dawson will be fine. We cut to Dawson, Pacey, and Andie, all in the cop car en route to the party. Andie is taking her therapist’s advice to heart and trying to indulge herself. For Andie, this involves making siren noises and screaming at Pacey to stop the car, almost giving him a heart attack. Anyway, she convinces the boys to make a pit stop at some random-ass bar that looks cool and also might be the bar Ty took Jen to? Maybe? Whatever. This will all end terribly.
Surprise Party. Jack arrives, and Abby’s moronic sidekicks freak out over how sexy Jack looks. He’s all, calm down, it’s just hair gel. Abby congratulates him on being fashionable now that he’s gay. Abby, congratulations – I didn’t think I could hate you any harder than I already did, but this heteronormative word vomit is really doing the trick. (K: YUP. I have a love/hate relationship with Abby. I love her whenever she’s all “EW, DAWSON” and hate her pretty much any other time.) Elsewhere at the party, Jen feels Ty creepily staring at her. They kiss, but Ty’s resistant, and Jen asks him why. He says because being turned on scares him, and he doesn’t want things to get out of hand. She thinks that’s sweet, for the 1950s, so he noms her face to prove he’s cool, or something.
Random-Ass Bar That Looks Cool. Andie is wearing a tight red dress and she’s covered in body glitter and basically doing the 16-year-old good-girl version of cutting loose.
K: I can’t even begin to process how much body glitter she’s wearing. It reminds me of when I was like 15 and had this weird roll-on body glitter that MY MUM BOUGHT ME (because obviously 15 year old Kirsti gave zero fucks about such things) that not only contained glitter but also star and moon shaped sequins. Which was a great idea, except that it meant the roller ball thing jammed all the time, so I hardly ever used it.
Diva: Oh my god, I absolutely had roll-on body glitter too. The 90s were a terrible time.
Andie convinces Dawson to join her in being wild for a night, and when Pacey is in the rest room, they order some alcoholic drinks. Dumb Waitress believes their story that their previous cokes didn’t have enough rum in them, so she serves them FIVE drinks without carding them.
Surprise Party. Abby is still bothering Jack about what it’s like to be the first gay person in the history of the universe. Jack straight-up tells Abby he doesn’t like her, but Abby insists that’s her charm – nobody does! She tries to convince Jack that there’s no such thing as gay, because everyone is bisexual. Girl, leave this poor boy ALONE.
K: Truth. But I do have to give a small, half-hearted nod of approval to the show for recognising way back in 1999 that bisexuality is a thing. Hell, even Orange Is The New Black hasn’t done that (and I headdesk a little every time they discuss Piper’s sexuality).
Diva: True, but also she kind of sounded like she was just saying that to get Jack to make out with her face, and not because she actually believes it.
Random-Ass Bar. Andie and Dawson are full-on wasted and decide to take to the stage for open mic night. Dawson starts improvising a blues song about his miserable life, and I am falling off my couch laughing. He’s got the right wasted-and-miserable voice to pull it off, and the shit he says about his life is pretty damn hilarious. This is by far the most I’ve ever liked Dawson, and when he introduced Andie, I cracked up, out loud, on purpose, at something Dawson did that was actually intended to be funny! Who knew that was even possible on this show?
K: I’d totally forgotten about the drunken blues singing, and it was strangely magical. Clearly Dawson should be drunk ALL THE TIME because Drunk!Dawson is kind of hilarious and way less of a dick than Sober!Dawson. Well. Mostly…
Diva: Andie takes her turn at the mic and is less than talented at singing the blues, but she yells a bunch of shit about her personal life too. Andie and Dawson dance around drunkenly and everything about this scene is awesome, save for the fact that Pacey is brooding alone at a table and not serenading me with the blues. Dawson sings about his surprise party that apparently is not a surprise, and how everyone will freak out when he shows up late. Pacey FINALLY realizes that his best friend and his girlfriend are fucking wasted when he has a sip of one of their drinks, and the waitress FINALLY figures out that she should probably ask for some ID. Andie admits proudly that they’re sixteen, and tells the waitress she’s going to lose her job and probably her liquor license because Pacey’s dad is the sheriff, and Pacey drags them out before Andie can do any more damage.
K: And this is why people like Andie and I shouldn’t have nights where you don’t worry about the ramifications. In the words of Willow Rosenberg, “I don’t get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.”
Diva: Un-Surprise Party. Mitch questions Gail about buying Dawson a new car, but Gail’s basically like, uh, you ended this marriage, so fuck off trying to tell me how to make decisions. In their garage, said new car has a pretty red bow on it, and also a Titanic-reference sweaty handprint that lets you know some SECKS is happening within. Inside the car, Jen and Ty are making out in the backseat – how did they even get the keys? (K: It’s Capeside. The car was probably unlocked.) (D: Fair.) And didn’t they think they’d get caught in there, seeing as how they’re inside Dawson’s birthday present, at his birthday party? Whatever. Ty stops their makeout sesh and apologizes, but then blames Jen for being a temptress. He basically tells her to get thee to a nunnery because he does not believe in premarital sex. She’s not sure why he thinks they’re about to have sex, but he says her sexual history proves that she is always wanting to have sex 100% of the time, because that’s totally how consent works! Jen tells Ty to stop making her feel like a whore, and storms off. I’d feel bad, but we all saw this coming as soon as Ty brought Jen to Bible study after he told her they were going to a party, right?
K: Ty has basically delivered nothing but dealbreakers from the get go, so I’m really very surprised that he’s been in as many episodes as he has.
Diva: For real. I’ve been sick of him since like, the second scene he was in.
Back inside the party, Abby is still hitting on Jack, who is sad and confused and vulnerable enough to go along with her. She leads him into Dawson’s bedroom, where they giggle and flirt and Jack admits that Abby isn’t Satan. EXCEPT YOU’RE WRONG, JACK. Downstairs, Dawson stumbles in the front door and yells, “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” and I giggled. Andie and Dawson immediately begin dancing on countertops because they appear to have forgot that there are parents at this party. Joey and Pacey drag them down and Joey insists on hiding Dawson in his bedroom so his parents don’t see him all schwastey-faced. Of course, when they open the bedroom door, they see Jack making out with Abby. Wasted!Dawson finds this hilarious and sings the blues about Jack being bisexual, and I’m cringing so hard right now because it’s pretty offensive, but also seeing Dawson this messed up is a lot of fun.
After they leave the room, Abby tells her minions, “Not so gay anymore,” but Jack looks at them and insists, “More gay than ever.” BEST.
K: SO MUCH OMG. It almost redeemed this utterly cringeworthy scene. Partly, anyway…
Diva: Definitely Jack’s best line of the show so far.
Downstairs, Wasted!Dawson walks over to Gail, who immediately knows her son is drunk. The room gets quiet as Dawson announces his series of birthday wishes. First, he wishes that his mom never fucked her co-anchor. Next, that his father would get a fucking job. He goes after every person who loves him, attacking Pacey for failing at his sole purpose in life – to have a worse life than Dawson, so Dawson can feel better about himself. All the other stuff Dawson yells is inappropriate (he basically calls Jen a drunken slut, but one he totally wants to party with), but this comment to Pacey was truly, truly fucked up. That’s unforgivable, as far as I’m concerned. Especially since this whole scene is supposed to be Dawson saying how he really feels. And if that’s how he really feels, I hope Pacey never speaks to that asshole again.
K: YES SO MUCH YES. What the hell kind of best friend stands up in public and says “Yeah, I’m basically only friends with you so that I can feel better about myself. I basically give zero fucks about you as long as your life is shittier than mine. Sorry not sorry”? Fuck you, Dawson Leery.
Diva: “Fuck you, Dawson Leery” is the central thesis of all of these recaps.
Anyway, Dawson turns to “my Joey” next and ridicules her for wanting to find herself. He wanders around pretending to look for her, and calling for her like she’s a dog. Then he pulls her in for a non-consensual, very sloppy kiss, and Joey shoves him off of her. He lands face-first in his birthday cake, which is a more delicious place to land than he deserves.
K: Truth. Also, about half the party guests probably went “Welp, there goes my reason for attending this piece of shit surprise party. Peace out, bitches” and left. I definitely would have.
Diva: Same.
After the not-break, put down your food because there is vomit EVERYWHERE. I feel like I can smell this scene through my computer. Andie and Dawson are a complete disaster. They do a nice little “I’m never drinking again” PSA, because that’s required on high school soap operas.
Mitch is brooding on the porch and Gail joins him. They agree that while Dawson is kind of a disaster right now, he’s sixteen and it’s to be expected that he’ll get drunk and stupid eventually. Gail is taking back the car, partly because she thinks Dawson isn’t ready for that responsibility, and partly because she realizes it wasn’t a great plan. Mitch says they should go in on an old car together for Dawson, and Gail agrees.
Jack finds Joey outside. She can’t even believe he would kiss Abby, after she’s been so horrible to him and his family and basically every other human in Capeside. Jack explains that Abby made him feel like everyone else, like he wasn’t an outcast. But even if Joey hadn’t walked in on them, he still would have stopped it, because he knew as soon as Abby’s mouth hit his that he was not at all down for this. He just doesn’t want to be the Ellen of Capeside. Joey reminds him that he has people who support him, and he should remember how wonderful that is. He explains how lonely it feels to realize that you’re gay. He doesn’t want to end up alone. Jack, with those eyelashes, I assure you, you will NOT end up alone.
K: TRUTH. But also, I can see the future, and it makes me giggle hysterically. With a side of squee.
Diva: Chez Grams. Ty is waiting on Jen’s porch so that he can dump her in person. He tries to explain himself, but she shuts him right down. She says that he has completely natural sexual impulses that everyone has told him are wrong, and he’s trying to drag Jen through that guilt, but she won’t let him. Ty insists that he has to follow the church because it’s the most important thing in the universe. Jen calls him out on being a hypocrite about religion – he thinks she’s a whore for having premarital sex, but he can drink like a fish and be fine in the eyes of God. And he ridicules gay people, as if heterosexual sex is the ideal, but then also ridicules people who have hetero sex too. Ty says it’s complicated, because all the church’s teachings go out of his head when he’s with her, because she’s so sexy.
K: Go fuck yourself, Ty. This dude is basically the personification of everything I dislike about religion in one, Backstreet Boy-esque package.
Diva: +1.
Ty apologizes for hurting her feelings, but says this was always about himself, and not Jen. Jen calls bullshit on that, because she really liked him and just wanted to make out with his face. But he ruined that, by assuming she wanted more just because she’s more sexually experienced than he is. Ty tries to get a “maybe one day” out of her, but she says, no, I’m never going to be with someone who makes me feel like this. Good for you, Jen! I mean, I wish you’d gotten to this conclusion just a bit sooner, but I guess you are sixteen, so, nice work, girl.
Shrine O’Spielberg. Joey checks on Dawson to make sure he’s okay. He apologizes for everything and she says it’s forgiven, and everyone else will forgive him too, since all he did was tell the truth. (REALLY, JOEY? DID YOU NOT FUCKING HEAR WHAT HE SAID TO PACEY?) Dawson explains that he was really lonely and that’s why he got birthday-wasted. He asks why she ran into Jack’s arms after they broke up, and she explained it was because she needed to be with someone different from Dawson. Someone who didn’t know every detail about her entire life. Joey tells Dawson that their lives are so intertwined that “I feel like you partially invented me,” and for me personally, being invented in any part by Dawson Leery is the most terrifying thought in the universe (K: SO MUCH OMG NYARGH).
After Dawson passes out, Joey whispers that she loves him, too. Then she broods out the window and watches the seasonally-appropriate snow.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Joey’s still not great at figuring out other people’s sexual orientations, and Dawson bitches about his film in S02 E17 – Psychic Friends.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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