Gotham S01 E03 – Vigilantes always eat their vegetables

Previously: An episode titled Selina Kyle that actually had very little to do with Selina Kyle.
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The Balloonman

Alex: A bus pulls up in a busy Gotham street, and the Penguin steps off wearing an ugly cableknit jumper. He looks around and smiles at the general crime and police corruption currently going on all around him, happy to be home.

Lorraine: But the question remains: why the heck does anyone else call this city where all the crime happens in broad daylight home?

Alex: A news report tells us that some rich guy, currently on trial for running a Ponzi scheme, is out on bail – much to the disgust to the citizens of Gotham who were the victims of his scheming. My knowledge of what a Ponzi scheme is is possibly the only good thing to come out of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mercifully short time on Ringer. (L: A+) Anyway, we cut to Ponzi Guy on the phone to his lawyers, saying general evil-rich-dude things about how poor people are gross, just so we know he is definitely a baddie.

Definitely A Baddie sneaks out of his apartment building to avoid the mob gathering outside, but finds himself face-to-face with a guy in a creepy pig mask, pushing a cart of balloons. The guy greets him by name and then… handcuffs him to a weather balloon. Um, LOL. What is happening right now, you guys? The news crew hear him freaking out and run over to get some good footage as he floats away, screaming in terror.

Sweeney: As far as I can tell, this plot is entirely about getting this shot. This show isn’t very good at writing or acting or directing, and the lighting department leaves something to be desired, but when the lighting people aren’t asleep on the job, this show’s strongest component is that it tends to be very aesthetically pleasing. Lots of good visuals. Like inexplicable shots of people floating away on balloons.

Alex: Very true. I think I was just too distracted by all the ‘WTF?’ to notice how pretty that shot was. A little later, Gordon and Bullock arrive on the scene and Gordon recaps everything that we just saw happen, like, one second ago. (L: WHY. THIS WRITING IS PAINFUL.) (S: AUDIENCE NO SEE GOOD. MUST WORDS AGAIN FOR AUDIENCE.) They’re not sure whether to call it a murder, since there’s no body. Surely the balloon would come down again at some point, though? (L: What did they think happened?) Anyway, Bullock has no fucks to give, because Ponzi Baddie (sorry, I can’t settle on one nickname) deserved this incredibly weird, convoluted death so he’s going to go get a Danish pastry instead. The pastry is a good call, Harvey, but maybe you could do thirty seconds or so of police work too..

Lor: Maybe that police work will build an appetite and you can buy two pastries.

Alex: At the station, a shouty cop storms out of an interrogation room and yells for someone to get him ‘O’Brian’. He finds Gordon waiting for him and introduces himself as Lieutenant Bill Cranston. OK, Bill Cranston, since I haven’t quite got the hang of nicknames yet, I guess that can be your name. Cranston recognises Gordon as Bullock’s ‘boy scout’ partner who doesn’t like beating the shit out of criminals, and Gordon gets his serious face on as he says that criminals have rights too. This is our weekly reminder that Gordon is A Good Guy. Cranston… not so much, as he introduces ‘O’Brian’: a trophy that he can use to get out of his law school exams, which also comes in handy for beating the shit out of criminals with. He heads back into the interrogation room and we hear some horrific screaming.

Lor: How to Get Away With Murder: Probably just be a cop.

Sweeney: Or be on TV where the cops are useless at best. Be wary of teen sleuths, though.

Alex: Bullock is still refusing to do any police work. Gordon brings up the Waynes’ murder, and Harvey insists that the case is closed, since everyone thinks Mario Pepper did it, so it’s whatever. A guy from Juvenile Services arrives with Selina. He tells Gordon that she’s going to be transferred ‘upstate’ tomorrow. I hear the word ‘upstate’ a lot on American shows and I actually have no idea what that means. Is it bad?

Sweeney: Mostly detrimental to your SAG card as I suspect “upstate” primarily means “some ambiguous distance too far for our cameras/plots to travel.”

Alex: Cool. I mean, I still don’t really get what it, but thanks. Gordon says they’ll have to delay Selina’s transfer because she has information about an investigation. Selina hovers around Bullock’s desk and he recognises her as one of the kidnapped kids from last week. He gets huffy about Gordon working on yet another closed case, but Gordon tells him to shut up and find out where the weather balloon came from. As Gordon and Selina leave, Bullock realises that his pen is missing.

Lor: He has to announce that his pen is missing because the audience would be way too stupid to realize that Selina hovering around his desk looking theft-y would actually result in a theft.

Alex: This show is not taking any chances on us spotting a single damn thing ourselves.

Murder alleyway. Selina is teasing Gordon for being such a Good Guy and trying to keep his promise to Little Batman. She recounts everything that we and the cops already know about the murder, but then adds that she saw the killer’s face before he pulled his scarf over it. So he hid his face from the people he was about to kill, but left it exposed as he walked into the alleyway for any potential witnesses to see? Makes sense. Gordon is unconvinced and wants proof that she was actually at the scene. Fortunately, she stole a wallet right before the murder and dropped it down the drain in this very alleyway. Gordon cuffs her to a railing and then heads down into the sewer to prove her story. I think I’d just take her word for it, personally. As soon as he’s gone, Selina pulls out the pen she stole from Bullock and uses it to pick the lock on her handcuffs. Gordon quickly finds the wallet, but doesn’t get a chance to hear the rest of Selina’s story as she gloats over the drain for a second and then runs away. Seriously? Why didn’t he get the information from her first? He could have gone diving into the sewer to corroborate the story later. But I suppose we do have a lot of season left to fill. (L: Don’t remind me.) (S: At least it’s not a full 22 episode order!)

Fish’s Bar. Fish tells her boy toy to take a break from waiting tables since he got the crap beaten out of him last week. That’s nice, I suppose, but she could at least have given him a few days off. Montoya and Allen arrive to ask where Penguin is, so Fish informs them that he’s dead and that Gordon killed him. Allen is sceptical, but Fish explains that Falcone gave the order. Jada Pinkett-Smith is overacting the crap out of this scene and doing a lot of unnecessary finger-waggling. It’s weird.

On a Gotham street corner somewhere, Penguin (still in his ugly jumper) is counting out his change and staring hungrily at a food truck. A big dude recognises him and points out that he is supposed to be dead. Penguin tries to throw him off with a fake accent, but Big Dude starts dragging him away to see Fish. Penguin is on his knees begging for his life, but it’s just a little too plead-y and it’s clear that this guy is about to meet a nasty end. Sure enough, he pulls out his knife and stabs Big Dude in the ankle, grinning like a maniac before jumping on him to stab him some more. He then takes the guy’s cash and gets himself a tuna sandwich. Every time Penguin eats tuna sandwiches in this show (all two times) there’s really ominous music. I still don’t know what’s up with that.

Lor: DUN DUN DID YOU SEE THE TUNA DUN!

Sweeney: It calls to mind the traumatic memories of Danny Devito’s fish-eating, which is totally DUN-DUN-DUN worthy.

Alex: Wayne Mansion. Alfred is teaching Little Batman to water dance with wooden swords. Alfred is a little too into it and is jabbering a whole lot of crazy stuff as they run around. I’m the Londoner of the trio and I can’t understand a word of what he’s saying, so I assume it’s completely lost on my fellow Snark Ladies too.

Lor: Between Jada and Alfred, I’m missing like 35% of the dialogue.

Alex: When the sword fight’s over, Alfred takes a look at the files Bruce has been reading and is horrified to find crime scene photos from the Waynes’ murder. Bruce is looking for clues that might help solve the case, because he has no faith in the police force. Fair. (S: Now there’s a TV character who has actually seen a TV show!). (A: I like to imagine that he called Veronica Mars for tips on how to get hold of police documents).

At the police station, Gordon is on the phone to the juvenile centre shouting at them because he lost Selina. He’s using one of those big heavy rotary-dialler phones which make me very confused about when this show is meant to be set. The Major Crimes Duo come to interrogate him about killing Penguin, but he ain’t got time for that and tells them to come back when they’ve got proof. As Gordon leaves, Allen tells him to take a shower, because he stinks like a sewer. The writing on this show is so damn clunky.

Penguin is in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant, trying to get himself a job. The restaurant manager tells him to get lost, because he doesn’t even have the right shoes to be on his feet all day. So now it’s quite obvious that Penguin is going to kill someone and steal their shoes. Did someone just say something about clunky writing? Sure enough, Penguin spots a kitchen porter who’s been smirking as he listens in on this exchange. Penguin smiles evilly as the camera pans down to Smirking KP’s shoes just to make sure we definitely get it.

Back to the police station. Gordon tells Bullock about the Major Crimes Duo interrogating him, and Bullock is irritated but not particularly worried. He reassures Gordon that he did the right thing, because Penguin must have been a criminal if he worked for Fish. For the millionth time, they argue about Mario Pepper and Gordon insists that it isn’t over until the Waynes’ real murderer is behind bars. I’m a bit bored with this conversation now. Bullock has finally done some police work, though, and he has someone for Gordon to interview.

Smirking Kitchen Porter is at a bus stop, now changed out of his chef’s whites. Penguin approaches and asks him what size his shoes are. They’re nines, which happens to be my shoe size. It’s apparently also Penguin’s, as he cackles about what a coincidence is.

Lor: Probably if the Porter had said anything other than 9, Penguin would’ve murdered him anyways.

Sweeney: But just to be on the safe side, your life-saving Snark Squad advice of the day is: don’t tell jittery strangers your shoe size!

Alex: Whoops, I just told the entire internet my shoe size. I hope there are no jittery strangers reading.

Bullock and Gordon are interrogating the manager of the warehouse where the balloons came from. The manager says the weather balloon was stolen a month ago, by an ex-employee called Carl Smikers. Except that he didn’t just steal one balloon, he stole four. Uh oh.

In another alleyway somewhere (Gotham has a lot of those), Lieutenant Cranston is beating up a drug dealer who didn’t give him enough bribe money. As he walks away, he passes a hot-dog cart being pushed by a guy with his face covered. This guy offers Cranston a hot dog a few times before pulling out a set of handcuffs. Cranston is able to overpower him and force him to the ground. He digs around in the guy’s pockets and finds an apparently surprising piece of paper, which he tucks away in his jacket. He then reaches down to unmask his attacker, but gets a handcuff around the ankle and then weather balloon number 2 is up, up and away. You guys. This has to be the most ridiculous M.O. of all time.

Breakfast time at the Wayne Mansion. Bruce is reading the newspaper instead of eating, which has Alfred worried and a little annoyed. Bruce is curious about the weather balloon murders, and Alfred’s reaction is basically ‘Balloons? LOL WTF?’. I agree, Alfred.

We cut to an unknown someone suiting up, picking up a cop badge and strapping on a gun.

Dramatic music plays as he straightens his tie and the camera pans up to reveal… James Gordon. Well, that was odd. We already know he’s a cop, guys. He goes downstairs to greet Barbara. He’s troubled by the fact that the balloon murders (still LOL) will get a lot more attention now that a cop’s been killed, whereas no one cared about a dead con man. He says that ‘everyone has to matter, or nobody matters’, and when people lose faith then that’s how you get ants vigilantes. Barbara tries to reassure him by reminding him that he caught the Waynes’ killer in his first week here, which of course only makes him feel worse. Sidebar: have we mentioned their giant clock window before? It’s weird but I kind of like it.

Lor: I noticed this episode too! I love it  The Musée d’Orsay has something like that, but that’s, you know, a museum in Paris.

Sweeney: Same mental association! I question the logistics of it in this apartment, but I don’t care because it’s super cool.

Alex: We see a news report where excited Gotham citizens sing the praises of the Balloon Man. One woman even tries to sic him on her landlord. Bullock and Gordon are watching with Police Boss Lady, who is seriously pissed off by this latest development. She doesn’t care whether Cranston was a bad guy: they can’t have vigilantes going around killing cops. As she says this, I spot the nameplate on her desk, so I shall now start calling her Captain Essen. Gordon breaks the news that there are still two more stolen balloons out there, and that the next victims are probably public figures who are known to be corrupt. I hope Essen isn’t one of them. I’ve only just learned her name! (S: You did all that TV detective work to learn it, too!) Bullock is finally on board with the investigation now that a cop’s been killed. He puts on his hat so that we know he means business, and they head out to find this Smikers guy. Bullock schmoozes some prostitutes, roughs up some bad guys and gets a burrito because food > police work, obviously. (L: Or, I told you it works up an appetite.)

At the Italian restaurant, Penguin is now the new kitchen porter, because in Gotham if you kill a man and steal his shoes, you can have his job. The restaurant manager is getting in Penguin’s face about how he’d better do a good job, but he breaks off when he sees an important-looking Mafia Don (not Falcone, a new guy) (L: Maroni!) and runs off to kiss ass instead.

Gordon and Bullock are in a dark apartment building, which a long convoluted trail of dirty cop dealings has led them to. They find Carl Smikers in one of the apartments with a ladyfriend, and after a brief scuffle – in which Bullock almost gets a TV smashed over his head – they arrest him.

Fish’s Bar. I get an overwhelming feeling of UGH every time we cut to a scene here. They’re usually boring and involve way too much exposition, not to mention Jada Pinkett-Smith’s terrible accent. (S: And it’s such a shame because it’s a pretty set!) Boy Toy is worried that she’ll get herself in trouble for blabbing about Falcone to the Major Crimes Duo. Fish isn’t worried, though. After he leaves, she calls one of her henchmen over and asks him to go rough up Falcone’s girlfriend, and to get rid of Boy Toy while he’s at it because he’s being a fun sponge.

Barbara comes down the stairs in her apartment to find Montoya creeping around like a creepy stalker. Barbara’s smoking a joint and Montoya gets judgey, because drug abuse was apparently involved in whatever happened between the two of them. She’s there to tell Barbara that Gordon killed Penguin. Montoya, you may have the prettiest shiniest hair in all the land, but your police methods suck. She gets right in Barbara’s face and says that she deserves better than Gordon, then kisses her. Barbara responds by throwing her out of the apartment, but as she leaves, Montoya says she should ask her fiancé where he was when Penguin disappeared.

Lor: I really dislike Montoya, which is no surprise and brings the “Characters I Like” count to about 0. Maybe 0.5 for Baby Batman, but mostly because I like calling him Baby Batman.

Sweeney: Montoya’s single-minded obsession with bringing down Ryan “James Gordon” Atwood will inevitably not endear her to the audience, but what particular burns about it and makes her so hopelessly unsympathetic is that she’s doing this based on next to no contact with him and the word of a series of known criminals. They’re trying to paint this is a GOOD COP! thing rather than pure jealous ex-girlfriend, but they’re selling it terribly.

Alex: I currently can’t stand anyone on this show apart from Penguin and Baby Batman. Selina and Ed Nygma show some promise, but they need a lot more to do before I can start actively liking them. Everyone else is just awful.

In the Interrogation room, Carl Smikers the Balloon Thief is insisting that he didn’t kill anyone. He did steal the balloons, but he sold them to a guy whose face he never saw. He points out, though, that the bodies will come back to earth eventually, because… balloons pop! Gordon and Bullock look astonished at this new information, even though I said that right at the start of this recap and also, DUH. We quickly get confirmation that Smikers is correct, as an unfortunate women out walking her dog gets squished by Cranston’s plummeting body.

As Gordon and Bullock survey the horrible scene, they get a call informing them that a third victim is now airborne: a child-molesting Cardinal. Bullock moans that this is going to mean even more pressure on the police department to solve the case, with the church now involved. A random cop hands them the piece of paper they found in Cranston’s pocked, which turns out to have Gordon’s name on it. He looks at it for a moment, then reveals that he knows who the balloon man is.

We have to wait a bit longer to find out, though, as we’re back at the Italian restaurant with Penguin. Don NotFalcone is grumbling about how everyone thinks Falcone is so great, but the ‘Arkham thing’ will change that. He catches Penguin listening in on this not at all private conversation and tells him off a little, but then gives him a nice tip and a pep talk about working hard and keeping his mouth shut. A news report comes on the TV and we see a brief clip of Cardinal Paedo flying through the air in his full vestments, and it’s quite hilarious.

Police station. Gordon reveals that Balloon Man is, in fact, the Child Services guy who brought Selina to the station earlier. Remember him? He was on screen for about fifteen seconds and had two lines, so obviously it’s him. The piece of paper Cranston took was the form that Gordon signed when taking Selina temporarily into his care, which Child Services Guy inexplicably kept in his pocket when he went out to do some murdering. They wonder who the final victim will be. Balloon Man is obviously targeting corrupt authority figures, but with Gotham being the way it is, that doesn’t really narrow it down. The key message of this episode, by the way, is that Gotham Is Very Corrupt. Just in case you hadn’t picked up on that yet.

Lor: So hard to keep up with these themes! I was just starting to learn Gordon is a Good Guy.

Alex: Bullock and Gordon try to work out where Balloon Man might be now. They figure that he needs somewhere large enough to store weather balloons, helium canisters and carts, and this leads them to an abandoned building which, until recently, housed the juvenile detention centre. Bullock is dubious about whether this is the right place, until he spots a massive weather balloon just chilling in the alleyway next to the building. So, probably the right place then. Also:

Gordon goes to check out a van parked nearby, which leaves Bullock to get himself taken hostage at gunpoint by Balloon Man. Balloon Man tells Gordon that they’re both good guys who want to rid the city of corruption, and that all the victims deserved what happened to them. I guess no one cares about that poor squashed dog walker. He explains that he tried to make a difference to the city by helping lost children, but when that didn’t work he had no other option but to start typing people to balloons. Gordon isn’t convinced. There’s a scuffle and Balloon Man ends up handcuffed to his own balloon. Gordon grabs him and they both get lifted into the air.

Bullock shouts for Gordon to let go, while Gordon yells at him to shoot down the balloon. They’re pretty high up by now, so neither of these sounds like a very good option, but eventually Bullock does as he’s told and shoots the balloon. I was dubious about whether his gun would have that kind of range, since the balloon was a long way from him, but a Questionable Google Search for ‘range of a handgun’ suggests that it probably would. Between this and all the times I’ve googled ‘how to get away with murder’ thanks to this blog, I’m expecting a knock on my door any day now. (L: WELCOME NEW SNARK LADY!) The balloon bursts, and Gordon and Balloon Man come crashing down onto the roof of the van.

Fish’s Bar of Ugh. She walks into the room in a ridiculously wiggly manner and greets Falcone, clumsily enquiring about his girlfriend who, it turns out, was recently mugged. She suggests that Don NotFalcone probably did it, and Falcone vows that he’ll kill anyone who was involved. He adds that everyone’s been acting crazy recently, and that crazy is bad for business. He drops some ominous hints about whatever this Arkham thing is, and then leaves the bar as Fish smirks infuriatingly.

Balloon Man is getting wheeled into an ambulance in a neck brace, while Gordon is walking around looking totally fine and not at all like someone who just fell from a great height onto a van. Balloon Man warns that there will be more vigilantes like him, and Gordon replies that there won’t be if the police do their job. I think I know how that’s going to work out. (S: And Gordon has now had three episodes to put this together. His deductive reasoning skills don’t seem well-suited for police work.) He asks who Balloon Man’s final target was going to be, but we don’t get to hear the answer.

Wayne mansion. Alfred and Little Batman are watching the news and discussing vigilantism. Little Batman doesn’t approve of Balloon Man’s methods, since killing people made him a criminal just like the people he was targeting. As the news report asks ‘who will defend the people of Gotham now?’, Bruce smiles to himself and finally decides to eat something, so that he can grow up to be big and strong and take on the job. Sorry, people of Gotham. Your new vigilante defender isn’t allowed out to play until he’s done his homework and gone through puberty. (L: A+. Half his spiel is that deep, growly voice.)

Gordon’s apartment. Barbara is worried about him, but he’s fine since that implausibly long fall didn’t even leave a scratch. The city isn’t fine, though. It’s sick. He reveals that the Balloon Man’s answer was ‘it doesn’t matter’. Everyone in power in Gotham is corrupt, so the last victim could have been any one of them. The people loved Balloon Man because they’d been so badly let down by the authorities, and Gordon is worried about what will happen if they let people start taking the law into their own hands. Barbara takes this opportunity to put out vague feelers about whether Gordon might have killed Penguin, but his answers quickly convince her that he couldn’t have.

And then she is further convinced when there’s a knock at the door and it’s none other than Penguin himself, back in his fancy suit. ‘Hello, old friend’, he says, and with that the episode ends.

So. That wasn’t great. The villain of the week was ludicrous, the reveal of his identity fell completely flat, and the dialogue was way too heavy handed on the whole ‘corruption leads to vigilantes’ point. I am enjoying what’s happening with Penguin, though, so… there’s that.

 

Here are our favorite #gothamsnark Tweets for this week:

 

Just started #Gotham. I’m ready to be confused, bewildered, and angry about Jada Pinkett Smith’s wandering accent! #gothamsnark

— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) October 7, 2014

Did we need the 10 crimes in 10 seconds to reestablish that Gotham is a corrupt place? DID WE? #gothamsnark

— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) October 8, 2014

The GCPD is so poor they can’t afford to plug in more than half the lamps in their offices. #GothamSnark

— Scar-man GORE-ison (@GeekyGeekyWays) October 7, 2014

That’s Chekhov’s gold statue, right? Or have I watched enough #HTGAWM that all gold statues are murder weapons? #gotham #gothamsnark

— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) October 7, 2014

“Yes, I have tons of evidence you were here but that doesn’t mean I have any evidence you were here”- Gotham logic. #gotham #gothamsnark

— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) October 7, 2014

Sure he managed to beat the guy and everything but he can’t pull down a scarf. So dumb! #gothamsnark

— Wilhelmina Upton (@WillieSun) October 7, 2014

Careful! Two killer balloons are still out there! Oooooh. #notscary #GothamSnark

— Jessica Smith (@antiscian) October 7, 2014

In my experience with TV, Baby Batman, child detectives are always better at it than grown up detectives. #Gotham #gothamsnark

— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) October 7, 2014

Man, I’m getting really sick of this detective shitting all over Jim Gordon and hitting on his fiancée. #shesjustnotthatintoyou #gothamsnark

— Laura Lillies (@lillypad1985) October 7, 2014

WOAH-HO-HO. BALLOONS POP? #gothamsnark

— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) October 8, 2014

WAIT NO ONE IN THE WHOLE POLICE STATION BOTHERED TO GOOGLE HOW WEATHER BALLOONS WORK?!? OMG! #Gotham #gothamsnark

— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) October 7, 2014

Wait, did they REALLY not understand that the balloon was eventually going to pop? #Gotham #GothamSnark

— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) October 7, 2014

Oh lord… Harvey Bullock should NEVER say “hoisted by your own petard”. #GothamSnark

— Scar-man GORE-ison (@GeekyGeekyWays) October 7, 2014

Maybe one of those prostitutes can loan Cobblepot some makeup remover. That undereye situation is a PROBLEM. #gotham #gothamsnark

— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) October 7, 2014

Didn’t he tell you not to come back literally two episodes ago? #gothamsnark

— Ryan (@meatloafbandit) October 9, 2014

Anyone hear any news about possible cancellation for #Gotham? #gothamsnark

— Lorraine (@LateLorraine) October 8, 2014

 

Thank you to everyone for tweeting along! Be sure to join us next week for #gothamsnark (even if you’re watching a day or so behind – we’ll keep checking for tweets until the post goes live!)

 

Next time on Gotham: We might find out what this Arkham place is in S01 E04 – Arkham.