How to Get Away with Murder S01 E02 – Dumbledore’s Army

Previously: Viola Davis picked five students who just finished undergrad 8 seconds ago to help her do important lawyer things.

It’s All Her Fault

Sweeney: We open with more shots of Improbable Law School Bonfire. The Chosen Ones are once again fretting about the body disposal issue. This time we learn that the pretty engaged girl who wants Viola Davis’s coat/life is angry because, “It’s all her fault!” We don’t know who “her” refers to yet, but we do know that homegirl just won herself the title star. I’m sure it’ll be good for bartering in prison.

title star

Lorraine: Don’t spend it all in one day!

Democracy Diva: Or, if you do, spend it a carton of cigarettes, and then you’ll have things to trade forever! #protips

Sweeney: Snark Squad Advice: Saving Lives & Also Preparing You For Prison.

Also Dean Thomas ran back for the Lady Justice Test Exemption statue. Did we learn that last time? I don’t know. I fear I’m going to have serious show amnesia problems here.

Lor: Girl, I have amnesia with this show while I’m watching. Real time amnesia. I still don’t know any of these characters.

Diva: I thought we already knew this, but the future Mr. Diva was all, “ooh, I’m glad they finally told us what happened with the statue! So, there is no consensus on this issue because none of us actually know what’s going on in this show.

Sweeney: I thank Mr. Diva for his input and reassurance. 4/4 people surveyed don’t know what is happening.

2 1/2 months earlier, Viola Davis is in her kitchen staring at the newspaper headline about the dead girl. Her husband (who probably slept with his students because this is Traumaland and it’s statistically improbablye that male educator with a large part wouldn’t sleep with his students) comes in and speculates that all the time the girl spent in a water tank destroyed any evidence, and also he has to go into work early to help with grief counseling. Viola Davis snarks that it’s because he knew the girl, but the husband says it’s just because he’s from the psych department.

In class, Viola Davis explains to her students that she’s not really interested in whether her clients are innocent because everybody lies anyway. I’m not really sure being a liar has anything to do with whether or not you committed the specific crime you are charged with unless being a liar is the thing at issue. Regardless, Viola Davis singles out John Bennett whose show name is actually Asher Millstone and I’m going to try super hard to remember that but probably I won’t. She speculates about whether John Bennett/Asher Millstone has any “sordid details” in his life or skeletons in his closet that they don’t know about and I really wish we had blogged Orange is the New Black if only because I have a feeling every moment Matt McGorry spends on screen is going to be a moment begging for crossover magic head canon. BUT I DIGRESS.

Diva: I guess we’ll just have to use John Bennett gifs all the time.

Sweeney: It’s the only solution.

Viola Davis is telling them that they don’t know who anyone really is and if you have bad instincts you’ll make bad choices. Like marrying the wrong people. But this is so not about her. It’s about their new case! A woman was just killed and her husband is the alleged killer.

Viola Davis, The Chosen Ones, and her staffers all descend upon the husband’s mansion because he is, of course, her client. (L: I think her class is really about Getting Away With Free Labor.) He goes on about how this woman is his second wife, whom he met in Paris just after the death of his first wife. He’s a really creepy dude and while I’m not a lawyer, I feel like the most important piece of advice this man needs is to learn to work on his social skills. Or at least his acting skills. Just try to act like you’re not a total fucking creep, friend. The creepy husband shows them into the bedroom, which is still covered in his dead wife’s blood, at Viola Davis’s request because of nonsensical shock-and-awe TV reasons. This room was creepy as fuck even before the murder, though, because the walls are covered in the heads of dead animals.

Viola Davis’s underling who sleeps with the law students teases Dean Thomas/Wes for being grossed out and if you saw me spaz on Twitter you know that I am only bringing this up because THIS GUY IS BEN. He also went to my high school and the local newspaper did a piece on him. He’s also got appearances on episodes of Charmed and Veronica Mars that we have not yet covered, but the most important detail of all is that this is Ben from Buffy, reincarnated after Giles murdered his face off.

Lor: He looks NOTHING like Ben. I had to go independently verify because he looks really different to me. I guess that’s the consequence of reincarnating.

Diva: He looks more like Glory than Ben.

Sweeney: A+

I don’t feel bad about this diversion because literally nothing that is happening right now will be relevant later. Creepy Husband asks if anyone will volunteer to play the dead wife in his reenactment. The ladies don’t volunteer, but the hot gay guy (Connor Walsh) does. Creepy Husband gets way to elaborate, carrying out the entire hacking job the prosecution has accused him of. I have no idea why this reenactment was necessary. (L: Because how else would be totally convinced this guys is a murdery murderer?)

MURDER CHALKBOARD. (That’s it. That’s all we get for title credits. Deeply underwhelming. Maybe scale back that recycled footage to make room for something a little sparklier on the title credits front?)

12 Grimmauld Place. Viola Davis calls Dean Thomas/Wes into her office and John Bennett/Asher Millstone makes jokes about Dean Thomas/Wes being Viola Davis’s secret baby. I CAN’T TAKE IT, YOU GUYS. We simply can’t discuss this show until you stop what you’re doing and go watch both seasons of Orange is the New Black. Report back when you are finished with your homework. (L: I guess if I cut out sleep, I can make this happen soon. BRB.) (D: You will not regret this decision.) Anyway, Connor grumbles about why Dean Thomas/Wes is even there so Paris Gellar entersnarks that she’s still trying to figure out why any of these brand new law students are even there. We don’t either, Paris Geller.

Inside Viola Davis’s office, she tells Dean Thomas/Wes that Frank (BEN!) is concerned that Wes is having second thoughts about the job. Wes insists that he is happy to be there. To prove it, he does some shady task wherein he has to get something from the police department without giving his own name or Viola Davis’s.

At the police station, he gets what he was sent for from a woman who is very grumbly and displeased.

Back in his clawed in apartment, he’s up late reading things when there’s a knock on the door. His bartender neighbor comes by because something is wrong with her shower and she’s desperate to use his. He lets her, and they exchange long meaningful glances.

A quick succession of shots takes us back to the future where the Chosen Ones are again squabbling about the body. More of the stuff we’ve already seen – the big fight over what to do, resolved by a coin flip. We saw this exact same scene last week. I guess the point is that we’re going to continue to re-watch this exact same scene, with a few additional seconds and camera angles until all! is! revealed! in the finale. I’m not a fan of this tactic and I hope it ends sooner than that. This time we learn that Dean Thomas/Wes lied about the results of the coin flip to get his way.

Lor: I didn’t like these scenes either. I mean, even with my real time amnesia, these scenes were probably all I remembered and five seconds of additional scene doesn’t make rewatching worth it.

Sweeney: Back in the main timeline (OR IS IT THE DARKEST TIMELINE?) (D: A+) the news is on at 12 Grimmauld Place, talking about the dead girl. Wes arrives with the supplemental police report for Viola Davis. The news anchor puts a picture of dead girl’s boyfriend on the screen and Wes has flashbacks to the previous episode because dead girl’s boyfriend is also bartender’s boyfriend. Anyway, Wes gives Viola Davis the report and says that he found a discrepancy between the report and the murder book from the prosecution (IS THIS A REAL THING? MURDER BOOKS?) – the name of the officer who found the evidence was changed.

Diva: Three years of law school and a very expensive bar prep course, and I have never heard of murder books until now! WHAT AM I EVEN IN ALL THIS DEBT FOR, IF NOT TO LEARN ABOUT MURDER BOOKS?

Sweeney: Demand a refund.

In court the next day, Viola Davis has the new guy on the stand. She presents him with the report and the new officer verifies that the report does, indeed, say someone else’s name. Viola Davis informs the jury that Officer Name Redacted was recently put on probation for drinking on the job, so it’s not surprising that the police wouldn’t want his name attached to this high profile case.

12 Grimmauld Place. Viola Davis asks the law students for suggestions on motives. Laurel says he has an idea, but Michaela  (“I want to be her.“) talks over her. Connor jumps in to help with her plan.

Connor’s help pretty much always revolves around sexing up the Asian nerd. He’s hacking into an old lady’s computer in order to discredit her as a witness.

Trial. Viola Davis gets the woman whose computer was just hacked to confirm that Creepy Husband told her a year ago that he wanted to divorce Dead Wife. Viola Davis then reads from her glowing toast at their anniversary party two months ago. The defense is very smug and satisfied while the prosecution looks anxious. I’m not sure why, though, because that doesn’t prove shit. It was a toast at anniversary party – of course she said nice things about the couple! All Viola Davis proved was that this friend has a little tact.

Lor: And what is tact? Cordelia says: tact is just not saying true things.

Sweeney: 12 Grimmauld Place. Frank (BEN!) is asked to choose two people to help him with Creepy Husband’s alibi. He chooses Michaela and Asher (that’s such a stupid fucking name, John Bennett) and we cut to them digging through a trash can. Asher emerges proud and victorious with a receipt for a place on Castor Avenue, where Creepy Husband claims to have been taking a walk. We see, though, that it is not Creepy Husband’s trash they’re digging through.

We see the actual homeowner the next day on the stand, saying that the night of the murder he saw someone walking and it was maybe possibly Creepy Husband. Frank (BEN!) nods encouragingly while the neighbor sweats on the stand.

After, Viola Davis explains that the next witness up will be Creepy Husband’s daughter. She asks for someone to write up the prep questions and Laurel eagerly steps forward. Everyone laughs at her, though, when Viola Davis refers to her as “Frank’s girl.” Womp. Poor Laurel. Everybody heads back to 12 Grimmauld Place except for Viola Davis who has to stay to talk to her boyfriend, Detective Abs. (L: A+ nickname; I remember those abs too.) (D: They’re basically the only thing I remember about the pilot besides Viola Davis’s green coat.) He’s there strictly on business to tell her to be careful. He’s not returning her calls now, though, because blackmailing your detective boyfriend on the stand is a pretty sure way to end your affair. Detective Abs has no time for her shit and threatens to tell her husband about her cheating if she calls him again.

Back to the Future, Christmas Carols: while three of the Chosen sit in the car, Dean Thomas is inside the gas station buying stuff. He also gets a prepaid cell phone and he places a a phone call to an unidentified person to assure this person that while the gang was reluctant, they are “taking care of it” and will protect the person on the other end of the line.

Diva: Dean Thomas must live in some alternate universe America, where nervous-looking young black men in hoodies are never deemed suspicious.

Sweeney: Cheater Homestead. Viola Davis’s husband is in the shower, so she is drawn to his phone. She goes through his messages and searches for the dead girl, finding a bunch of messages from her, signed with the overly familiar “-L” which is the kind of thing you only do if you’re stalking teenage girls or fucking your professor. I think that’s what the show is saying. (L: I feel like I should clarify that I also use something like that L for my parentheticals; I do not stalk teenage girls and have never slept with a professor. Carry on.) (S: Nor do you have a job in which you have any students to sleep with!)

At Wes’s building, he’s returning home when he runs into bartender girl in the stairwell. He says he saw bartender’s beau on the news, adding that she should never talk to the cops without a lawyer. “Yeah, I know. I’m not an idiot and you’re not a lawyer.” Burn. Also, duh. Poor Wes needs to work on his lawyerly flirting game.

12 Grimmauld Place. Laurel sits down to freak out to Paris Geller about how she’s clearly just there because Frank (BEN!) has the hots for her. Paris Geller sighs and says, “I look nice. I know, but that’s just my face.” I know this struggle. Paris Geller totally has Resting Bitch Face and I do not believe she knows this struggle. I have Resting “TELL ME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS EVER!” Face – probably because I have the face of a small child, trustworthy and stupid – and the struggle of people’s unwanted confidence is real, my friends. Anyway, this whole scene is golden:




I wish I could insert that last gif into my daily life. I’m aware that actual human words and expressions are how we communicate in daily life, but I absolutely could not deliver that line so effectively. Few mere mortals can.

Diva: This scene is amazing. And I am fine with us eventually calling Dean Thomas “Wes” as long as we never call Paris Geller anything but Paris Geller.

Sweeney: I mean, probably we will eventually have to call her whatever her name on the show is and it was largely my responsibility, as 1×02 recapper, to facilitate that transition. Unfortunately, I still have no idea what her show name is, so I couldn’t achieve that.

In the class Viola Davis sometimes teaches to educate her unqualified new employees, she lectures students about the importance of pre-trial prep. We cut to 12 Grimmauld Place where she’s introducing Creepy Husband’s daughter, who took a break from her grad program in poetry to come testify at her father’s murder trial. Creepy Husband also urges her to get with Wes because they’d make beautiful babies. He’s a creep but also a parent. Parents love to say shit like that. It’s one of the few remaining humiliation devices in their arsenal once you reach adulthood. (L: So true in my life.) (S: Mine too. All romantic prospects are rated by the imaginary genetic mash-up game.) We cut back and forth between classroom explanation of why prepping your witnesses for the stand is important and Poetry Daughter answering questions very well, like the Smart Person she is. She’d be all for punishing her dad if he did it, but she knows he would never hurt the new wife. Her creepy father is “eccentric” but that’s all.

On the stand, she tells the jury about the loss of his own parents that he suffered as a child. He clung to his daughter and Now Dead Wife so he knows she couldn’t have murdered Dead Wife. Viola Davis hands the witness over to the prosecution who introduces a certified Swiss death report for the Dead First Wife. Poetry Daughter had been told that her mother died in a car accident but according to this report, she was killed with a hunting knife, probably by her father. How the fuck did Viola Davis and her team not dig this information up?

Lor: Pretty sure they were too busy rolling around in crime scene beds, or whatever.

Diva: Why do boring things like research when you can destroy the forensic evidence you’re supposed to be looking for?

Sweeney: After a commercial break, Paris Geller reads the report to Viola Davis. which says the prosecution in that case accused Creepy Husband of killing his First Wife in order to run away with the new Dead Wife, then his mistress. He was ultimately found not guilty. The following year he made up a new identity for himself and his daughter. “I was charged with murdering my wife once before,” is the kind of shit your legal counsel needs to be prepared for, Creepy Husband. Anyway, this insane backstory is interrupted by Poetry Daughter yelling at her father, not buying the “I lied to you to protect you!” line that TV people are so fond of. Why has nobody ever watched a TV show? Guys, lying to protect people only ever ends in tears. It’s a rule.

Poetry Daughter accuses him of both the first and second mothers, adding that she hopes the jury decides to kill him and storms off. Asher agrees. Creepy Husband asks if Viola Davis would have taken the case if he knew the truth and she says he underestimates her love of challenges, but she’ll drop him if he lies to her again. She rallies the troops to work – telling Frank to figure out who tipped off the prosecution, figuring this person is a possible suspect.

You underestimate how much I like a challenge.

12 Grimmauld Place. Connor calls Asian Nerd Criminal to reschedule dinner. Asian Nerd Criminal hangs up on him. Paris Geller tells Viola Davis’s husband that she’s super sorry about his student. IS HE ACTUALLY CHEATING WITH PARIS GELLER? They’ve been beating us over the head with the student thing, so it has the feel of misdirection – in spite of all statistical probability about Traumaland teachers with lots of dialogue. (All spiritual descendants of the great Mr. Creepy Collins.)

Viola Davis enters the foyer and the two head into another room to talk about how her day at court went. He can tell that when she calls her client a liar she also means him and tells her to be more direct. She asks if he was screwing the dead sorority girl and he swears he wasn’t. Outside, Paris Geller is trying to tell the Chosen Ones to stop eavesdropping even though she’s totes doing it too. Viola Davis continues to lay into her husband, adding that her suspicions aren’t unfounded since he’s cheated before. Also she has been cheating, but she neglects to mention that information. The husband swears to Viola Davis that there was nothing between him and the dead sorority girl. Viola Davis apologizes, saying that it’s just the stress of her impending loss on this case. They start a make up make out session but it’s interrupted by the return of Frank (BEN!) with something she needs to see.

Viola Davis takes the Chosen Ones back to the murder scene to try to come up with new theories for why even though the guy almost certainly killed the first wife he definitely didn’t kill this one. While 4/5 are shouting out random strings of words which are probably all bullshit, Laurel’s got THINKY FACE on. She reminds everyone that he’s a hunter, which means that “he knows how to kill.” Viola Davis has, “I might remember your name now,” face.

The next day at the trial, Viola Davis asks Creepy Husband about his years of hunting experience. He says he knows all about humane, quick killing. Paris Geller positions herself in front of the stand so that he can demonstrate. Again, not fucking necessary and serves only to remind everyone that he’s creepy as shit. (L: He’s enjoying Paris Geller’s neck was too much. VAMPIRE?) (D: When in doubt, always assume VAMPIRE.) Viola Davis goes on to ask if this very humane animal murdering technique is how he murdered his first wife. “Yes, that’s correct,” he answers as the EDM Sirens of Murder wind up in the background.

After the commercials, the prosecuting attorney and Viola Davis are at the bench. Prosecuting Attorney accuses Viola Davis of giving her client bad advice to get a mistrial. Anywhere else but TV, you’d be right, girl. Viola Davis continues to say that the client was acquitted, so it’s whatever. Besides, she’s got more legal magic tricks to pull, because she’s the American Bar Association’s Dumbledore, bitches. (L: We know how that worked out for Dumbledore, though. Dean Thomas had a little better luck. #spoilers?)

Her next witness is the medical examiner. She discusses Dead Second Wife’s autopsy in detail, namely explaining how sloppy it was. She continues by noting that it seems profoundly unlikely that the person who murdered Second Wife is not the same one who murdered First Wife because this shit was amateur hour. This is the actual defense. Again, I’m not seeing how it proves the thing, but I wasn’t included in Dumbledore’s spell. Dean Thomas, though, was. As the medical examiner says she’s confident the second killer has no hunting experience, Dean Thomas glances across the courtroom at Poetry Daughter, squirming in her seat.

After, Dean Thomas/Wes tells Viola Davis his new theory that Poetry Daughter found out about her mother and then killed Second Wife to frame her father. Viola Davis smiles that this was an interesting theory, proud of the true Chosen One. (Sorry everybody else, but Dumbledore’s Army is a totally worthy group to belong to.)

interesting-theory

Diva: I spent the first half of this recap trying to figure out a good place to say that I want to start calling their gang Dumbledore’s Army, and then Sweeney went and did it anyway. This makes me unreasonably happy.

Sweeney: Viola Davis flashes back to Frank’s cockblock document: it shows that the IP address of the computer that emailed the tip about First Wife’s death came from a Stanford computer lab. He did some other digging and saw that Poetry Daughter spent her spring break in Switzerland, confirming Wes’s theory. “Like father, like daughter,” muses Viola Davis.

Back in the courthouse, Viola Davis tells Wes is doesn’t matter because the case is closed. When they reach the end of the hall, the rest of Dumbledore’s Army is waiting. Viola Davis tells Laurel (USING HER NAME) to speak up more and adds that the others should watch out for Laurel and Wes. Michaela is displeased. They walk off and Frank (BEN!) gloats to Paris Geller about his good taste, adding that she’s the one they have to worry about. “What, you think you’re the only one in the house who notices things?

Back inside the courtroom, the verdict is issued: Not Guilty. They leave the courtroom in slow motion as they are mobbed by furious randoms shouting, “MURDERER!” which, you know, true.

Outside, Viola Davis tells Creepy Husband there was an easier way, but just because he’s a murderer doesn’t mean he would willingly throw his murderer daughter to the wolves/legal system. He vows to find some other non-murdery way to kill his daughter. Mostly because Viola Davis’s legal bills are expensive. He and his daughter have a chat.

Later, Connor goes to Asian Nerd Criminal to make amends. Commence sex, because bringing food is the way into anyone’s heart/pants.

12 Grimmauld Place. Viola Davis comes home to find that her husband has made her a congratulatory romantic candlelit dinner. He heads to the cellar to get a bottle of wine and she is again left alone with his cell phone. She searches for the dead sorority girl’s name again and finds that he has deleted all of the messages When he returns with the wine, she says that she has to go help a client who just called from jail. (L: That’s probably her perpetual, “I have to go shave my hands.” Definitely a pro of being a lawyer.)

Instead, she goes to see Detective Abs, outside his home – where his wife is. Viola Davis says she needs to talk to him about the sorority girl murder.

After a commercial break, she returns home, saying that she got her client off on a misdemeanor. Her husband says that if they’re not OK, he’d rather talk about it. She climbs on top of him, assuring him that they’re totally fine. As they take off their clothes, we cut back to Viola Davis telling Detective Abs that her husband was close with Dead Sorority Girl. Detective Abs says that only means her husband would fuck her, not kill her. He thinks that this is all just her job messing with her head, but Viola Davis says they both know all about how cheaters operate.

We jump back and forth between the sex and Detective Abs telling Viola Davis not to sell her husband out to her boyfriend. Viola Davis starts freaking out, saying that he was supposedly at Yale the night of the murder and she is begging him to confirm that this is true because it’s the only way to calm her mind and he’s the only one who can do this. He agrees, and she tries to calm herself down.

Lor: Real tears or not? I just don’t ever see myself believing Viola Davis’s tears.

Diva: It’s Shondaland. I trust no one.

Sweeney: Later, Wes returns to his building as Bartender (Rebecca) is being hauled down the stairs by the cops, reading her Miranda Rights. Wes calls out to her not to say anything. Back in his room, he watches a news report about the arrest of her and Sorority Girl’s boyfriend. Apparently the two sold drugs together. Seeing this gives Wes a flashback to her using his shower. He goes into his bathroom and finds that she left a phone underneath a floorboard in his cabinet.

Back to the Future. We’re reminded of the “HER” that Michaela is so worried about and the phone call Wes made. He goes to a motel and is let inside by Rebecca. He promises her she’s safe now and they kiss.

Diva: This was a fun twist, since I assumed the “her” everyone was protecting was Viola Davis. Does the rest of Dumbledore’s Army think so too, but only Wes knows that Rebecca’s the one they’re really protecting? And where in the world is John Bennett during all these flash-forwards?

Sweeney: I’VE BEEN WONDERING THE SAME THING. Prison, I assume, but only time will tell for sure.

And now, some of our favorite #howtosnark tweets this week:

Don't forget to join us next week!

Next time: Sorority Girl's boyfriend is a football player at the university and the school asks Viola Davis to take the case in How to Get Away with Murder S01 E03 - Smile or Go to Jail.

Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





DemocracyDiva (all posts)

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.





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