Previously: Caleb’s secret – that he’s Lindsay’s father – came out in the spectacular fashion to which this show is accustomed.
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The Family Ties
Ifeoluwa: A little backstory, I grew up watching a ton of high school dramas: Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, The OC, and the more recent Gossip Girl. I spent my formative years in Nigeria and everything I knew about the American Education system, I learned from these shows, all of the Bring it On movies and the numerous college drama themed movies I cannot remember. Imagine my surprise and indignation when I came over to the States for college and it was nothing like Hollywood portrayed. College wasn’t an endless party filled with cute, flirty boys, I never became best friends with my roommate, and everything I had been lead to believe was a damn lie! To be fair, I attended a small liberal arts college that also happens to be the first of the Seven Sisters, and one of the few women’s colleges still in existence. Had I really wanted an All American College Experience TM, I probably should have gone anywhere but there.
Sweeney: You should have demanded a refund.
Marines: At least a DO OVER.
Ifeoluwa: Anyway, back to the story! Even though I watched The OC sporadically as a tween, all I can remember is the premise. So I’m happy for this trip down memory lane. Which is more of a quick dash to a designated bus stop on memory lane, since I only watched this episode I’m recapping. Whatevs. I can handle it.
The episode starts with the obligatory “Previously on The OC” from which I gather there is some new guy Zach who is perfect, like Prince William! (how times have changed. Prince William is now a balding daddy); Ryan kisses a girl who says nothing can shut her up, proving her wrong when his kiss shuts her up; In the middle of a make out session, the female participant asks if it counts as adultery; Marissa asks if this means her dad is becoming friends with someone; Seth meets a bad girl bartender (hello Olivia Wilde!) who has been kicked out of numerous schools; Someone discovers some guy is her father. There is so much going on and I love it!
One of my favorite things about the show are the landscape shots. This used to give me total location envy and when it was in my power to make California my reality, I went for the complete opposite. Cold and snowy New England. (M: We have a strong, “EW SNOW.” stance here on Snark Squad. I’m sorry for you.) (I: I feel sorry for myself too, my circumstances haven’t changed. I still live on the East Coast and I am currently dreading the upcoming NYC winter. Pray for me guys). We cross fade into Seth grumbling about Ryan studying, asking him “will you punch someone please, for old time sake?” I’m not gonna lie, studious Ryan is kinda hot. What is better than a bad boy? A somewhat reformed bad boy, that’s what.
Seth goes ahead to show Ryan his reason for entering the room: old pictures of Seth’s mum. Seth has been looking for his mum’s resemblance to Lindsay, the girl Ryan is currently dating. Ryan points out how icky and uncomfortable that makes him feel because Mama Cohen is like his mother. But Seth assures him that since Ryan isn’t Mama Cohen’s biological son, it isn’t full on incest and he and Lindsay won’t have chromosomically challenged children. It is then revealed that Lindsay is Mama Cohen’s sister! This might not be news but it is a revelation to me. I love it when characters give you the backstory you need to help things make sense.
Sweeney: Expository infodumps! If you love this then might I also recommend Pretty Little Liars?
Marines: Warning: when watching more than 1 episode, these infodumps may cause: headaches, nausea, kidney swelling, intestinal bleeding, drunkeness, sleepiness, and a strong desire to punch something in the face.
Ifeoluwa: I love that there is an official SnarkSquad term for this phenomena. #TeamSnarkSquad4Eva
Ifeoluwa: Ryan moves from his worries about incest to what is really bothering him – what will Mama Cohen think of him dating her newfound sister? Seth, ever the sage, offers some food for thought to help Ryan process this situation. Is Lindsay Ryan’s girlfriend, or Ryan’s Aunt? Papa Cohen enters right at the end of that sentence and jokingly agrees that it is an age-old question. Turns out Papa Cohen is in the inner circle and knows what is going on. A+ for being aware of the goings on in your children’s lives, Papa Cohen! Ryan is confused about how to move forward with this new development and Papa Cohen encourages him to talk to Lindsay. If she wants to be a part of the family, that most likely means her relationship with Ryan will have to end. Except if Ryan moves to the South, where it is more socially acceptable to date your aunt? IDK.
Sweeney: Ooh, the south, ever the butt of liberal America’s jokes.
Ifeoluwa: Mama Cohen walks in on Papa Cohen saying it is best if she doesn’t find out about Ryan and Lindsay, but thankfully she thinks they are talking about some trial and we all heave a collective sigh of relief. She says something about not forgetting or forgiving what her father did to Lindsay, and I do not feel qualified to comment on the situation because I know nothing about the situation. Being the kind motherly mother she is, she suggests that they do something for Lindsay to welcome her into the family. Ryan cleverly reminds Mama Cohen that this should only happen if Lindsay would have them, the pre-Ryan Cohens, as family. Mama Cohen lovingly tells Ryan that he is as much a member of the family as any of them (can we please acknowledge how much she’s warmed up to Ryan since the pilot?) (S: Her dynamic with Ryan is one of the most underappreciated elements of the show – she resisted out of a fully justified concern for her actual son, but once she got on board, she truly got on board.), so that means Lindsay is Ryan’s aunt. She backtracks and says since Lindsay is so young, she is more like Ryan’s sister…Seth cheekily says he’s always wanted one of those and asks Ryan if he’s had similar longings. Lolz. Cue opening credits!
Marissa and Summer are grabbing coffee and sitting to chat about things I don’t particularly care about. The dreamy Prince William look alike is watching the girls from a distance, and Seth runs into him creepin’. Apparently there was some beef between Seth and Prince William’s look alike, but everything is now forgiven and Prince William feels comfortable asking Seth for personal advice. What kind of personal problems could dreamy Prince William be having? I’m glad you asked. On his trip to Cabo, he reunited with an old girlfriend and they shared a steamy kiss. Except that the old girlfriend wasn’t really his girlfriend but his now divorced former math tutor. (S: Because it had been at least half a dozen episodes since we last had grown ups having inappropriate relationships with minors. IS THIS REALLY A COMMON THING IN LIFE? ARE 1 IN 4 ADULTS I MEET SECRETLY SEXUAL PREDATORS?) (M: Related question: DO I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION?) (I: I’m with Marines. I think I’ll continue to live in ignorant bliss, thanks. At least until I have kids. When I do, FIND THEM ALL AND LOCK THEM ALL UP.)
When Seth asks if he still has feelings for her, Prince William replies, “I really like her kids”. Totally reasonable point a high school student should take into consideration when contemplating love interests. Seth appropriately responds to this tomfoolery with “Holy 80’s Teen Comedy Plot!” Have I mentioned how much I love the occasional self-awareness of The OC? Seth the Sage advices Prince William’s look alike aka Zach to tell Summer what happened (since it has been previously established that Zach can’t keep things to himself), but emphasize how much the encounter with the MILF-y ex-tutor made him realize how much he likes Summer. After Seth promises not to tell anyone about this, he and Zach part ways.
In the hallway, Ryan and Lindsay run into each other and have an awkward reunion. Lindsay confesses that she hasn’t been in the right frame of mind recently but now she mostly has a handle on things and that she and Ryan should hangout sometime. In an effort to clarify where she and Ryan stand, she says the Cohens are just friends, and she and Ryan are more than friends and definitely not related. She wouldn’t want him to think that he’s kissing his sister or anything…
Papa Cohen and his father in-law, aka Lindsay’s newly discovered father, are cruising in a sports car with the top down. This carefree scene is brought to you by the legal prowess of Papa Cohen. Charges against Kirsten and Lindsay’s dad have been dropped and now he can return to his company. Papa Cohen reminds his father in-law that the woman who runs the company hates him. Turns out there are a lot of women who hate philandering, possibly criminal father in-law’s stinking guts at this particular moment. Go figure.
On a boat in the company of her paramour, Kirsten’s stepmother hears that her husband won’t be serving any jail time and she isn’t happy about it. Correctly assuming they will need stronger drinks, boyfriend offers to spike the ones they currently have. He comments that the recent developments mean that this is the end; she plays dumb and asks if it is the end for them. There is more back and forth that indicates that he’s just not that into her, but she ignores all the signs and takes the subsequent make out session for a promise of commitment. This can become a rant about how people willfully ignore blaring sirens warning of relationship disasters ahead, but this is not the time nor place.
Kirsten accosts Lindsay at school with some lame excuse about wanting to give her a ride home. This is the OC where everyone has a car. You can do better than this Kirsten! They both acknowledge that the newfound sister situation is unsettling and awkward, and they may be better starting off with a friendly cup of coffee.
On the way to meet her father, Marissa and her new beau sight him kissing someone who is definitely not her mother. Crickets. (M: Waaaait for it…)
Seth is knocking on Alex’s door and is greeted by a skinny, shirtless, broody guy with tattoos. If you say that really quickly at a Starbucks you just might get a coffee creation. Alex is Olivia Wilde! She comes out and says she wasn’t expecting visitors so early. It is 3.30pm. Seth is miffed that Alex back in town long term and she didn’t call him, Alex is nursing a hangover and doesn’t seem to be in the mood for chitchat. Oblivious, Seth offers to put on some coffee and maybe make her a sandwich. What is with these characters not responding to social cues? Before he could offer to give her a foot rub or do some other domestic act, several people exit Alex’s apartment. His interest piqued, Seth begins to ask some follow up questions and Alex shuts him down with the “it’s really nice of you to stop by, now get out of my face” move. Classic.
Sweeney: She’s gotta go shave her hands now, Seth.
Ifeoluwa: In Casa de Cohen, the men of the house are making dinner. Seth is telling Papa Cohen and Ryan about his encounter with Alex and how she kept calling him nice. Picking up on said social cues hours late, Seth realizes that Alex calling him nice means that she thinks he doesn’t have any edge or danger. Papa Cohen asks Seth to shuck corn and in a bid to prove is not-niceness, Seth violently refuses. There is a terse moment when Ryan face mirrors my “shit is about to get real” feeling, but then Papa Cohen diffuses the situation by laughing and making fun of Seth. Poor Seth. When angry, Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk; when angry Seth Cohen becomes a yenta. Who knew watching The OC would improve my Yiddish vocabulary? (S: I bet the Democracy Diva will be pleased to hear this.)
Marissa and her dad reunite on the boat and she confronts him about kissing her mum. Holy shit, that was her mother? This thing has more twists and turns than a crazy straw. Marissa’s mother is manipulative, horrible and generally bad news, and Marissa rips a new one into her father as she reminds him of all the heartache they’ve both suffered at her mother’s hands.
Sweeney: While conveniently glossing over the part where Jimmy being a criminal who didn’t know how to use his words was the actual catalyst for the dissolution of their marriage.
Mari: Details, details! Bitch be crazy!
Ifeoluwa: Seth is trying to lose his nice boy status and gain some street cred by wearing one of Ryan’s wife beaters and maybe a choker. I don’t think that’s how these things work Seth…Ryan feels weird about how well the family dinner went. I’ll eat my hat; dinner wasn’t a shit show after all. Noble Ryan tries to convince himself to be happy for the reuniting sisters, Selfish Seth tells Ryan that it’s totally okay to take a book from his page and make the situation all about him. In case this scene was too subtle, Seth tells Ryan that they are totally swapping roles and becoming more like the other.
Change scene! We are in some club that admits teenagers and Seth is trying, (and failing woefully) to impress Alex with his drinking and raging skills.
Sweeney: I super want to punch him in the face, not only for that gross misdirection of his apology, but also because he refers to Julie as “the woman who started all of this.” and everyone accepts that version of things. The show really clings to this Jimmy’s A Good Guy narrative, in part because Julie’s the worst. I hate Julie too, but NO, JIMMY. YOU STARTED ALL OF THIS BY STEALING FROM PEOPLE, SHIT DICK.
Ifeoluwa: Good Guys TM are the absolute worst. They abdicate all responsibility for their actions by reinforcing how nice they are and how their intentions were noble. Fuck your intentions. Your actions and their consequences are the reality. Not your intentions.
Ifeoluwa: We are back at the teen club where Ryan is holding Lindsay’s hand without holding her hand, aka, “the pinky”. She drags him out to have a heart to heart. Summer and dreamy Zach are in a corner talking about things I still don’t care about, Seth drunkenly bumbles over and spills Zach’s secret about the tutor. You’re welcome Zach!
Outside, Lindsay and Ryan are talking and finally come to the conclusion that they are somewhat related and probably shouldn’t be playing tonsil hockey. Alex interrupts this moment of clarity and calls out to Ryan to come drive drunk and disorderly Seth back home.
It’s a bright new day and the clarity from Ryan and Lindsay’s scene seems to be contagious. Jim tells his daughter that he is going to end things with her mother. Marissa’s delight, however, is short lived. Jim needs “some perspective on the world or something,” and in order for him to learn how to be a good dad, he is leaving. Wut? Her expression below sums up my entire feelings about this. He faux-comforts her by pointing out that this trip is not forever, it’s only for 6 months, maybe. Totally reassuring! Marissa isn’t having any of it and sarcastically wishes him good luck with his new life. Continuing with the theme of characters ignoring social cues that are all but smacking them in the face, Jim goes on to invite his daughter to his going away party at the Cohen’s then proceeds to ask her if she’s okay. I’m sure she’s dandy, Jim! She’s got a pocketful of sunshine instead of responsible parents!
Sweeney: This is sort of the epitome of Jimmy Cooper as a character, forever refusing to accept responsibility for anything and what kills me about it is that the show plays it like he’s in the right. Marissa is all kinds of fucked up and she’s literally only living with her mother and Caleb in order to keep Jimmy in Newport. So, you know. Cool, Jimmy. Cool.
Ifeoluwa: Hungover Seth walks into a room that looks like it is part of the kitchen, but has a bedlike set up on the floor. I’m both appalled and filled with admiration. Apart from the fact that so much can go so wrong, that set up looks comfortable! Cooking dinner while lounging. Seth gets a break down of all his drunken antics from Ryan and doesn’t seem particularly upset that he may have broken Zach and Summer, but he is worried the bad boy image he so carefully constructed for Alex may have drowned in his vomit. (M: Definitely not attractive.)
Zach goes over to Summer’s with a peace offering in form of a book. Unimpressed, Summer tells him she has the hardcover signed by someone we should care about. She proceeds to tell him how unoriginal and unambitious sleeping with his tutor was, he could have at least slept with a hooker that could get him into Princeton. I believe there are several references buried here but I’m too lazy to unpack them.
Jim’s going away party is in full swing and dressed in this hideous outfit that is a white knit halter top over a shimmery gold camisole, Kirsten opens the door for her father and step-mother. Was the costume designer drunk when this outfit was put together?
Sweeney: I’m so glad this bothered you as much as it bothered me. It was the only thing I could pay attention to. Why would you do this to Kirsten Cohen, show?
Ifeoluwa: Seth slips out and asks Ryan to cover for him by giving the parentals some of that Ryan Atwood double talk. Ryan rightfully points out that he barely talks. Good point Ryan, good point. Cut to Sandy and Jim chatting. Sandy apologizes for the low turn out but Jim acknowledges that considering he defrauded most of his friends, this is a pretty good turn out. (M: HA HA HA. HOW HILARIOUS THAT I’M A THIEF!) Then they exchange some more pleasantries while Julie angrily makes her way over.
As Julie and Jim go find somewhere more private to talk, Kirsten is presenting Lindsay to Ryan. On their way to grab drinks, Lindsay and Ryan run into Lindsay’s dad who is looking for Julie. This party is starting to feel like a really uncomfortable game of round robin.
In a room, Julie is upset that Jim is leaving and while he is comforting her, Kirsten walks in. I don’t know how this scene advances the plot, if there is a plot. The teens are gathered together and talking about how boring the party is. “Not for long”, Ryan predicts as sees Marissa make her way over to her mother with her brown boyfriend in tow. Marissa drunkenly insults her mother, and Julie says, “let me guess, tequila?” as she casts an accusatory glance at the brown boyfriend. Brown boy and drunk white girl = brown boy plying girl with tequila, obvs. DJ, the make your parents uncomfortable brown boyfriend, defends himself and says Marissa was drunk when he went to get her. Drunk Marissa drags her boyfriend away from her mother’s vicinity before she tries to sleep with him too and mother-daughter cat fight almost ensues. Jim steps in and tries to diffuse the situation but Drunk Marissa isn’t having any of it. She calls them out on their shitty parenting saying, “of course I’m screwed up, I’m a daughter of a thief and a slut”. Family altercations, a fool-proof way to liven any party.
Sweeney: Marissa’s a train wreck, but she’s also not wrong here. (And the fact that she’s such a visible train wreck makes her father’s decision to skip town all the more deplorable.)
Ifeoluwa: After that scene, Jim entrusts his daughter into Kirsten’s care and I want to knock him up the side of his head. Your daughter has a public melt down and your reaction is, “I’m so worried about her but instead of cancelling my trip to make sure she’s doing okay, I’ll entrust my daughter’s well being to someone else”. Stellar parenting there, parents of The OC. Kirsten agrees to watch out for Marissa and I think by the end of this series, the Cohen’s would be a home for abandoned teens with mummy issues. (S: Best case scenario, really.) (M: Non one else is doing any parenting in this town.)
Still trying to impress Alex, Seth shows him the car he stole (from his grandfather). She tells him she’s been with bad boys and all of his imitation badness, like imitation crab, isn’t impressive. She likes him because he is a good guy! Before they can conclude this happy scene with a kiss, the police show up looking for the stolen car.
Summer returns to find that Zach is still in her room. Don’t get all excited over this seemingly romantic gesture, he’s still there because her stepmum blocked his car in the driveway and can’t get out. Anyway, he apologizes again and somehow finds a silver lining in all of this. Never mind that he cheated on his girlfriend, this was the first fight they’ve had that wasn’t about Cohen. It’s a good fight because it’s about just them!
Sweeney: “Look how great it is that it’s my fault we’re fighting!” There’s a subtle all-the-other-fights-were-your-fault subtext to blaming the others on Seth. This episode hasn’t been a good look for Zach.
Ifeoluwa: Ryan and Lindsay are finally in a room alone and we are back to them discussing what I thought was already resolved. Clarity, such a scarce commodity in The OC.
Mari: I love that they are all, “finally! A moment alone!” …in this pool house made pretty much of all windows where a party is happening outside and all the blinds are only half down…
Ifeoluwa: Lindsay proposes they make out to test Ryan’s hypothesis that kissing her would be like kissing his sister. They start making out and things get pretty hot and heavy, pretty quickly. Not like kissing your sister, after all, huh? Mama Cohen interrupts the incestuous make out session by knocking and asking after Seth. Right after she leaves, Ryan and Lindsay agree to maybe stop until they are sure they aren’t breaking any laws. Err, never mind. They went right back to kissing a few seconds after making that statement.
Jim walks on the beach in search of Marissa and finds her with her latin lover. He begins to soliloquize about how he never thought he’d leave Newport, and how he’s sorry he let her down and couldn’t give her the life she deserved. As expected, this apology turns to shit pretty quickly when he somehow justifies his fraud and general ain’t shit-ness by saying he nearly went to jail trying to give her said good life. Give this Nice Guy TM all of the cookies, y’all! I cannot deal with this man. Marissa is obviously a better person than I am because she embraces her father and cries into his shoulder, begging him not to leave. Because Jim is the worst, he says he has to go, he has to get a life. I agree Jim, you do need to get a life. But not at the expense of your daughter’s well being.
Ifeoluwa: Marissa shows up to the Cohen household the next morning with bagels after seeing her father off. Papa Cohen opens the door and does that thing good parents do where they simultaneously show their sympathy and indicate that they are there for you, while allowing you to save face, giving you room deal with stuff on your own. The rest of the Cohen’s follow Papa Cohen’s lead and lovingly welcome Marissa. The scene fades to black as they all gather around the kitchen table watching Papa Cohen make some bagels and smear.
Next time: The episode summary explains that lots of people confront lots of other people about their relationships on The OC S02 E08 – The Power of Love
Problem solver, troubleshooter, Captain Planet, and consumer of all the cherries. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know it will involve kicking some ass. Talk to me about pop culture, the tech scene, feminism & intersectionality and Outlander (show and book series)
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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