Charmed S02 E01 – Another season of nonsense.

Previously: Andy died and there wasn’t a lot of caring.
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Witch Trial

Stephanie: When Mari asked me if I’d like to take on another show and told me Supernatural and Charmed were both available, I immediately jumped on this one because I like pain.

Marines: Um, I don’t care why you’re doing it. HOORAY!

Steph: Come along, friends, as we enter another season of utter nonsense.

We open with Phoebe arriving at the charmed manor yelling to see if her “sister witches” are home. She turns on the light and catches Piper getting intimate with a dude on the sofa. We’re only 30 seconds in and we’ve already got our first one episode romantic plot that no one gives a crap about. Piper panics and freezes time because of Phoebe’s sister witches nickname, but I really don’t see the big deal about this because I call my sister weird shit all the time. Phoebe, as usual, is pleased to see her spinster sister with a man. (M: Her spinster sister gets the most men. Phoebe should focus on her own action.) We get a little exposition about how Piper is still jobless after quitting Qu  ake. She also hasn’t seen Leo for weeks, and she’s trying to buy a club… What?

Mari: Dude, without Qua   ke, where else are they going to have 62% of all their scenes? A club, apparently.

Steph: Anyway, Prue comes in, but the sisters shoo her out so that Piper can unfreeze her banker boyfriend. Prue comes back inside and she’s wearing a green tube top with her bra straps exposed. I considered quitting after seeing this, but then I took a few sips of wine and found the strength to continue. I’m going to give them all fashion passes because their hair has improved. Banker Boyfriend gets kicked out after being introduced.

Phoebe informs her sisters that the following day is not only the anniversary of receiving their powers, but it’s also the autumnal equinox— the most powerful day for Wiccans. Prue and Piper don’t care ‘cause they’ve been demon free for a whole month. They leave Phoebe standing all alone with her Wicca books.

The next morning, the Book of Shadows begins to glow and the pages flip around on their own. For some reason, all the sisters go running in to stare at it, because apparently they could hear the pages turning? I don’t even know. The flipping stops and it lands on something about a rite of passage and fighting with the power of one. A stupid looking horned demon appears in a portal and floats the book to himself before disappearing.

 I AM THE SAHN.

There’s some new people in the credits, including detective Morris, who I’m not excited to see. I was hoping that the police station scenes would die with Andy. (M: HA. So cute.) There’s also a guy that looks like Banker Boyfriend, but I can’t really tell because all these generic dudes look like the same person to me.

After the usual twenty minutes of San Fransisco establishing shots, the P’s are still in the attic trying to figure out where the Book of Shadows went.

Mari: Phoebe is actually picking at the wall. Like maybe the wood panels are hiding a magical portal back there and if she can just break one of them free…

Steph: That’s the best she can do to help since her power is useless.

They deduct that the demon must be very powerful since he escaped with the book. They think that Prue is going to have to fight it because she has the strongest power.

The doorbell rings and Phoebe answers without any pants on. An upset preteen girl asks to use the telephone and Phoebe lets her in. Piper and Prue come downstairs, and they’re like “WTF are you doing letting children into our house?” It’s a really weird reaction. Generic Dude from the credits just lets himself in looking for the girl (Jenny) and the P’s are okay with his intrusion because he’s hella hot (to them). Generic Dude (Dan) and Jenny are the new neighbors. When they leave, Phoebe calls dibs on Dan. Piper reminds her about the more important book stealing demon situation, but Prue wants to go to work. She’s being demon avoidy since it’s the first one they’re facing since Andy died.

Mari: I’m going to rat her out, so she’ll have to forgive me a little, but Steph had Jenny as Ginny in the post. It isn’t even her fault because Generic Dude says Ginny every time.

Steph: Ha! This is especially funny because when he said her name, I went back to listen again just to make sure I heard him correctly. And I still failed.

Meanwhile, Book Lover Demon is in a cheap looking blue set and chanting over the Book of Shadows, causing the words to disappear.

Phoebe and Piper celebrate the equinox in front of a rock. Piper is wearing sneakers with a sundress and I was about to get very upset, but then I remembered that I was also guilty of the same look in the 90s.

Mari: Now that they are in an outside set, you can really, really tell that Phoebe has tanned like 3 shades darker. Maybe her hair is also lighter? She’s just confusing me with all of her colors.

Steph: Anyway, they’re really there to talk to Phoebe’s friend from the Wicca shop. Wicca Friend repeats everything we already know— It’s the equinox and that, combined with the P’s anniversary, makes it a very special day. She tells them they can feel the full power of the equinox by connecting. To connect, they all have to stand naked with the other witches. Piper doesn’t want to.

Piper eventually gives in and they strip their clothes and stand around the rock. Phoebe starts to hear grams’s voice repeating, “the power of three.” Piper can’t hear it, but she’s still uncomfortable about being naked while grams’s voice floats through the air.

Buckland. Prue talks to a client with big hair about auctioning off her dead husband’s collection of clocks. Prue is still grieving over Andy, so Big Hair’s story about wishing she could have saved her husband from dying hits her in the feels.

Piper, now with clothes on, meets up with Banker Boyfriend at the club she’s looking to buy. Banker Boyfriend warns her that owning a club is a big risk, but Piper has done all of her homework and she’s convinced that this is a better option than starting her own restaurant. We all know this is really happening so that the show can have its very own Bronze. (M: Aw, crap.) Banker Boyfriend congratulates her because she’s been approved for her loan. They smooch in celebration.

Book Lover chants more over the Book of Shadows. The words disappear and Piper’s Warlock Boyfriend that was vanquished in the first episode pops up. We will never escape season one. (M: I was so happy just one episode ago.)

Piper’s still making out with Banker Boyfriend when she hears grams’s voice and then Warlock Boyfriend appears. She freezes him and conference calls Prue and Phoebe for assistance. It’s a really weird moment because Phoebe just appears on the line like she’d been waiting there with the phone to her ear– just in case. Piper struggles to keep Warlock Boyfriend frozen before putting her sisters on speaker phone so that can chant the spell they used to vanquish him the last time. Fortunately, grams’s floating voice has reminded them of what the spell was: the power of three will set us free. Dumb. Warlock Boyfriend is vanquished in an explosion of bad effects.

The ambulance arrives to take away Banker Boyfriend, who got knocked out when Warlock Boyfriend appeared. Prue shows up and she’s impressed with the ugly club. They worry about whether or not Phoebe will be able to find some answers in her new Wicca books before any more vanquished demons and warlocks appear. Piper tells Prue how she and Phoebe both heard grams’s voice trying to warn them.

Back at the manor, Phoebe is surrounded by her books and stabbing at her laptop keyboard with one finger. That is not how you type, girl. She sees Jenny sitting outside with their cat and decides to go to her. They chat a bit and we learn some more about Jenny. No one cares, but it’s happening to us anyway. Jenny’s sad because her parents are in Saudi Arabia and now she has to live with uncle Hella Hot Dan. Jenny confesses that she needs tampons but Dan got her pads instead. Phoebe gets distracted when she notices the charmed symbol thingy on the cat’s collar. Piper arrives and Phoebe leaves Jenny to bleed alone on the porch.

Mari: Another weird moment. One second she’s being really kind and empathetic and then next she’s all, “YOU’LL BE FINE, GIRL. BYES.”

Steph: The whole scene was just absurd. No one cares about your period, Jenny. What are you even doing here?

Phoebe is all excited because she’s figured out how to find out who the demon is. She tells Piper that they just have to ask the Book of Shadows. She knows this because of the symbol of the power of three on Kit’s collar— the triquetra. It represents their connection and they have to connect on the equinox. Grams has been trying to tell them this with her whispers on the wind. I have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about.

Inside the manor, they use a Ouija board. A blast of wind hits them along with grams’s voice again. The Ouija planchette moves about and spells out Abraxas. I guess that’s the demon’s name, who the fuck knows. Why don’t they just have the Ouija board give them answers all the time instead of staring at the useless Book of Shadows until it tells them what to do in the last five minutes?

Mari: GOOD QUESTION. Who knew such thin plots could fall apart further?

Steph: Hey, guess what Book Demon is doing now? He’s chanting over the Book of Shadows.

Phoebe learns from one of her new books that Abraxas is a demon that destroys witches by demonizing their powers. He’s been chanting over the Book of Shadows to make it evil, and apparently that explains why all their vanquishes are reversing. Okay. The next demon to get unvanquished is the woogie man. Together they remember the spell used to vanquish him and they get rid of him in two seconds. Piper uses nonsense logic to figure out that Abraxas is reading the book of shadows backwards to reverse their spells.

As they rush out to warn Prue, Phoebe’s hand touches a picture and she gets sent into her first premonition of the season. She sees a warlock killing Prue, and I can’t remember who he’s supposed to be because nothing memorable has ever happened. (M: Well, I certainly can’t help you.) (S: I’m hoping that between us we’ll be able to remember maybe 2 things that happen over the season.)

Buckland. Prue and Big Hair bond over clocks and lost loves. Unmemorable Warlock appears through the wall and there’s absolutely no reaction from anyone even though they’re at a packed auction. Unmemorable corners Prue in her office and uses his tacky ring to make her breathe heavily on the floor. She repeats the vanquishing spell and passes out. What does it say about this show if I’ve already forgotten all the bad guys?

Hospital. A doctor tells Prue and the other P’s that she’s perfectly healthy, even though she got so overheated that it almost killed her. He leaves and they talk about getting the book from Abraxas. Phoebe says that because no one has ever been able to leave the house with the Book of Shadows, Abraxas must still be there on another plane— the astral plane. Hold on, I gotta go get my eyes because they just rolled out of my head. (M: They didn’t even make it through one whole episode.) They need to figure out how to get to the astral plane before the equinox is over because of rules that are being made up as the episode goes along. Once a door to the astral plane is open, Prue can use the power of one.

Phoebe worries that Abraxas will get to the spell on the first page of the book, the spell that gave them their powers. If he reads it backwards, their powers will disappear, they’ll lose the Book of Shadows, and the show will be over forever. Prue doesn’t think this sounds like such a bad idea. Me neither, Prue. But her reasons are different than mine. She doesn’t want them to keep risking their lives and risking the lives of those they love. Prue won’t move on from Andy even though we all did the moment he hit the floor dead. (M: A+)

Later that night, Phoebe stresses over whether Prue will go along with their plan and Piper stresses because there’s no more wine. That’s the most serious conflict this show has had in 23 episodes. Dan drops by with a wine offering, solving the wine problem as quick as the P’s vanquish warlocks. He thanks Phoebe for being there for Jenny earlier. He’s also gets a little help with tampon sizes before he goes.

Piper gets bad news that her loan has been denied. Can they just take a loan away from her after she’s been approved? Fortunately, they have some brand new wine to take the edge off their problems.

Prue visits Detective Morris and gets emotional over Andy’s empty desk. He leads her over to a less sad bench and asks why Prue has been avoiding him. She says It’s been hard for her to face him after Andy’s death. She wants to know what Morris knows about her and her sisters but all he knows is that she’s been providing help for some of their unsolved cases. Andy also told Morris to make sure Prue knows that she shouldn’t blame herself for anything that happened to him. They hug and it’s very emotional for them, but not for me.

Phoebe and Piper have drawn the triquetra on the attic wall to open the window to the astral plane. Prue arrives and she’s ready to put her emotions aside and help out. She proves how ready she is by sliding a chair across the room. Shit, she means business. Phoebe goes over the plan: Once the window is open, Prue will knock Abraxas away from the book so that Phoebe and Piper can grab it and find a vanquishing spell. They create a circle around the triquetra and it opens the portal to the astral plane just ‘cause. Instead of using her power to blast Abraxas back, Prue just stands there and lets him blow wind at them. He knocks them backward and the portal closes.

Mari: Wait, so moving a chair wasn’t exactly like facing this demon? This is almost as shocking as that one time they ran out of wine.

Steph: Phoebe and Piper follow Prue as she rushes downstairs. They ask why she hesitated. Prue gets upset because she feels like she’s being blamed for not being able to defeat Abraxas. Phoebe gets frustrated that Prue won’t face her problems instead of running from them. At last, all of Prue’s emotions come rushing out as she breaks down about how difficult it is being the oldest sister and being responsible for protecting everyone. She blames herself for failing to protect Andy and delivers some very lackluster acting. I almost feel bad for knocking Eliza Dushku over on Dollhouse because these girls make her look like freaking Daniel Day-Lewis.

Anyway, they hug it out and Piper reminds Prue that Andy chose to help them on his own and there’s nothing she could have done to stop him. Sometimes bad things are going to happen and it’s not their fault. They hug again and grams’s wind whisper passes through, reminding them that they have stuff to do. They figure out that if they can all hear grams’s voice, they must be connected and the power of one means all of them working together, just like the triquetra represents. But isn’t that pretty much what the power of three means too?

Mari: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POWER OF THREE IF THE POWER OF ONE IS THE POWER OF THEM THREE? OH MY GOD.

Steph: EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAKES ME SO MAD.

Prue’s ready for realsies to take on Abraxas, but they need to surprise him now that he knows they’re coming for him.

The next morning, the P’s gather around the magic rock and chant. In the astral plane, Book Lover is reverse reading the power of three invocation spell. The P’s keep with the chanting and the book floats out of the portal and onto the magic rock. They chant some more and this time Abraxas gets put inside the book. No word on why it made a difference where they chose to do the chanting.

Back in the attic, the P’s look at the Book of Shadows and read the full text for the Rite of Passage page, which pretty much just says, “defeat the demon or the demon will kill you.” Thanks, book of shadows. That is very useful information. Phoebe and Prue surprise Piper with a check for the 60k she needs to buy the club. They’re going to go in as partners and have a brand new place to hang out at every episode. I can’t wait for all the stupid learning how to run a club plots we’re gonna get from this.

They hear Grams’s wind voice once again and her spirit appears in front of the book. Turns out grams has been responsible for all the times the book’s pages flip unhelpfully. She tells them not to think too hard about how she could be there because the writers haven’t come up with a good enough explanation for that yet. She disappears while they all smile at her and the book pages flip again, landing on a page that says, “happy anniversary, my darlings.”

I get the feeling that this series is going to knock the witch love right out of me.

 

Next time on Charmed: A dog poops on the P’s sidewalk and they travel to the future in S02 E02 – Morality Bites.