Dawson’s Creek S03 E01 – Terrible decisions for all

Previously: Joey’s dad accidentally on purpose burnt the Icehouse down to hide his shady drug trafficking, then got arrested. Also, Joey told Dawson to fuck off and die, and it was magical. 

Like a Virgin

Kirsti: We start with some very un-Dawson’s Creek-esque rock music. A hot and sweaty (ugh) Dawson wakes on a bus and turns to check out the hot blonde girl next to him. Except he has drool all over his chin. She informs him of this and follows up with “You’re a very heavy breather, did you know that?” LOL. She asks what he’s watching – right, because his 1999 laptop would have enough battery power to watch an entire movie – and he tells her it’s Risky Business. She scoffs at them having made a teenager losing his virginity to a hooker romantic, and Dawson claims it’s more of a myth. He more or less uses the phrase “boy on the verge of manhood” that I hated so very much from season 1, so I want to punch him in the face more than usual. She declares him adorable, and he introduces himself. They shake hands and she smirks before saying “So, when are you going to tell me about your girlfriend?“. He looks startled by her directness.

Democracy Diva: Things I hated about this scene: Hot Blonde Girl uses the phrase “scintillating conversationalist,” continuing the theme of characters on this show using ridiculously large words when regular old normal person words would work much better. And Hot Blonde Girl seeming pleased and flattered by Dawson’s “women are just fantasy characters in young men’s coming of age stories” speech. Anyone who cites Holden Caulfield gets an automatic eyeroll from me. (But I guess it makes sense, because I find Holden almost as obnoxious as Dawson.)

K: #accurate. HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH (translation: my DVDs have changed theme music from Paula Cole’s I Don’t Wanna Wait to Jann Arden’s Run Like Mad. I’m oddly okay with this because this is the theme song Australia had for most of the show and I kind of love it) (D: This is the theme song Amazon uses as well, so every time I’ve written I DON’T WANNA WAIT, it has been a lie. I am so excited that we’re now on the same HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH page.)

After the credits, it’s the first day of school. Joey has a new job working at a marina, and her boss appears to be a college aged creeper who’s big on sexual harassment in the workplace. Over at Chez Grams, Jack and Jen have an adorably couple-y morning routine down. Grams watches, then asks how long they’ve been married. They grin at each other. It makes me happy given how shitty both their lives were last season. (D: +1. I was beaming at this exchange.) At Leery Manor, Dawson’s filling Pacey in on his mystery blonde girl, saying that he woke up and she was gone. Pacey quips that he usually has to change his sheets when that sort of thing happens. Random observation: James van der Beek’s hair is much darker this season. It may be from filming Varsity Blues, but it seems unlikely considering that came out nine months before this season started airing.

Anyrandomsegue, Pacey asks about Joey, and Dawson awkward turtles. Pacey informs us that they haven’t seen each other all summer because Dawson was in Philadelphia with Gail, and Dawson tells him that it’s definitely over. Pacey scoffs that his attitude will change the minute Joey opens her mouth, because she’s totally going to forgive him. Dawson insists that even if she does, he wants to forget it ever happened because the last year was “a hellish nightmare“. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 90% of that was your own creation, you douchenozzle. I think wanting to murder the titular character in under 5 minutes of a new season is a record for us.

Diva: New, but sadly unsurprising.

K: Truth. Pacey asks what Dawson’s going to do if Joey bats her eyelids and flips her hair, and he replies that he’ll tell her it’s over and they’re better off without each other. OH LOOK, IT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING SINCE THE PILOT! Mitch walks in and informs Dawson that he’s going to a conference for a few days. Dawson infodumps to Pacey that Mitch is the new Capeside High football coach, despite having been an English(?) teacher last season. Okay, show. Whatever. Mitch says he’ll be back on Sunday – because leaving your sixteen year old alone for a full week is totally normal – and jokingly tells Dawson to keep Pacey out of the house while he’s gone.

Capeside High of Dubious Teaching Staff. The gang gather for the junior assembly. Jen gets slut shamed by some Queen Bee types, and sasses at them in response. There’s a new principal, who’s (gasp) black, and who I feel like I know from something but IMDB informs me it’s our old friend One Episode of Everything Ever. He starts speechifying about a new year, and Jen settles down to nap on Jack’s shoulder. YOU GUYS, MY BROTP IS FINALLY HERE AND I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT IT. (D: COSIGN.) Joey walks in late and Pacey leans over to inform Dawson of this fact. He promptly gets himself in trouble with Shiny New Principal and Dawson facepalms.

At the activities sign up fair thing, the Queen Bees from earlier are running the sign up for cheerleading tryouts. They fat-shame a bunch of not even remotely fat girls, and Jen marvels at the bitchiness. Jack can’t understand why anyone would want to be a cheerleader. Jen signs up for tryouts to find out. Girl, no. That is a terrible and contrivance-laden plan.

Diva: “I hate cheerleaders! Great idea: I’m going to go spend a lot of time with cheerleaders trying to be a cheerleader!” Sense: this makes none.

K: It makes even less sense than none. It makes negative infinity sense. Across the room, Pacey tells Dawson he thinks the principal is pretty cool. Dawson trails off awkwardly when he sees Joey and the Tinkly Orchestra starts up. (D: My notes, verbatim: “Tinkly Orchestra of Feels plays as soon as Dawson sees Joey.” #mindmeld) He begs Pacey to get him out of there before Joey can talk to him. Joey watches sadly as they leave.

Joey’s, that night. Bessie asks how her day was, more specifically the Dawson-y parts of her day. Joey lies and says it was great and they forgave each other and it’s just like old times. Bessie gushes that they’re meant to be together, and Joey sighs. Meanwhile, Pacey’s taken Dawson to a strip club. DUDE, NO. Mostly because I don’t want to watch Dawson Leery leer at strippers… (D: Don’t worry – it’s a magical TV-friendly strip club where all the strippers are wearing shorts.) Pacey declares that Dawson’s life goal this year is to get laid. Ugh. Please God, no. Anyway, because contrivance demands it, their waitress turns out to be Dawson’s Mystery Bus Girl wearing a terrible wig. They make moon eyes at each other while Pacey looks confused. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, it’s the end of the second day of school and Pacey informs us that Dawson’s successfully avoided Joey for another day. But he berates Dawson because “you didn’t hook up with Bus Girl last night”. Dawson says he gave her his number but doesn’t think he’ll hear from her seeing as how he’s gross a foetus a junior. Of course, they walk into Leery Manor to find her sitting in the living room. Whut. She says that she thought she’d take him up on his date offer, and Dawson does that awkward gushy teenage boy laugh. Pacey pulls him into the kitchen and insists that he needs time to calm down (read: for his awkward boner to go away) and realise that he’s in control of the situation. He hands Dawson the keys to Mitch’s boat and suggests that he and Bus Girl take it for a spin. Dawson looks at Bus Girl and readily agrees.

Diva: First of all, how does she know where he lives? This is stalking, breaking and entering, and trespassing. And probably some sex crimes based on the fact that she looks about 40 years old. Second, if Pacey is trying to encourage Dawson to have sex, why would he suggest a boat, which has to be steered, over DAWSON’S EMPTY HOUSE? The Great Contrivance Spirit is particularly powerful in this episode.

K: SO STRONG. I can’t even. There is literally nothing about this plot that makes sense. Cheerleading tryouts. A “chubby” girl in very unflattering shiny blue bike shorts awkwardly cheers to I Don’t Wanna Wait. The Queen Bee stops her and says that she’s fat and has a shitty hair do and they only let her try out so they can laugh at her. For the sake of comparison, who has the shitty hair do?

Because I’m 5000% sure that it’s Queen Bee, even in 1999. Next to try out is Jen. Queen Bee hands out some more slut shaming, so Jen makes an ever-so-slightly-ridiculous speech about how in 25 years, Queen Bee and her minions will all be living the suburban nightmare and doped up on Prozac. She finishes with “Avoid this fate. Don’t become another cookie cutter, blonde, size 4, rah-rah-sis-bam-boom, mindless, soulless, spineless wench. Screw these auditions. Screw cheerleading. And screw Belinda McGovern.” Everyone stands up and applauds while Queen Bee (Belinda) looks hurt.

Diva: Even Queen Bee’s army of skanks turn on their leader and applaud Jen’s speech.

K: A+ gif selection, girl. Marina. Joey’s Creeper Boss walks in on her changing. She’s all “DUDE, WTF??” but he insists he just wanted to get a Coke from the freezer. Hello, sponsorship dollars. So nice to see you again.

He stares at her boobs before leaving. (D: I hate this guy so hard.) Out on Mitch’s boat (which is suddenly enormous), Bus Girl tells a grinning Dawson to take off his shirt. He says he’s nervous, and she says that “without fear, there would be no accomplishments“. He asks who she is and where she’s from, and she says she’s his own fantasy creation. Ugh. She wraps her arms around his chest and tells him to slow the boat down. He does. She asks if he’s a virgin, and he replies “What comes before virgin?“. “Everything but,” she replies and kisses him. She tells him that he can call her Eve, then drops out of frame and EW EW EW EW EW EW EW I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT DAWSON LEERY GETTING A BLOW JOB. *vomits* Honestly, the things I do for this blog…

Diva: FOR REAL. You all better appreciate the sacrifices we make. BRB, need several shots of brain bleach.

K: This is right up there on a par with the Cordy/Connor sex from Angel season 4, so yeah, pass the brain bleach. Obviously, he crashes the boat into the marina. Joey rushes up to check everyone’s okay and her face falls when Eve appears. Dawson makes awkward introductions, and Joey sad pandas before walking away. Dawson makes a “I fucked up” face and we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Creeper Boss tells Dawson that the damage bill is likely to be at least $3,000. Dawson’s all “WELL, FUCK”, but Eve insists it could be worse. No one got hurt and he now has awesome blow job memories. She’s shocked to realise that he’s mad at her and starts to leave. He rushes after her, insisting that he’s not the type of guy who meets strange girls on buses and takes his dad’s boat without permission. She replies “That’s too bad. Because this girl just wants to have fun.”

Capeside High. A shocked looking Jen walks down the hall. Jack asks if she’s okay, and they’re suddenly surrounded by ogling guys and giggling girls. Shiny New Principal congratulates her, and Jen pulls a pair of gold glittery pom poms from her locker, telling Jack that she’s been inexplicably voted head cheerleader. He cracks up, and she throws a pom pom at him.

Diva: Worth it for that adorable moment, but also, just because they (for some unknown reason) elected her head cheerleader DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAS TO ACCEPT. Just say no, Jen. To cheerleading.

K: CONTRIVANCE DISAGREES. Joey’s. She comes clean to Bessie, and suggests that Dawson’s evil twin came back from Philadelphia in his place. Bessie tells her to stop sad panda-ing and Joey admits that she felt like a little kid compared to Eve. Bessie brings up Jen and how that all turned out, but Joey says sadly that it’s different now. “Yes. It is,” Bessie says meaningfully. Joey looks thoughtful.

Leery Manor. Dawson’s trying to find $3,000 in the sofa cushions. Pacey tells him it’s unlikely, and Dawson says that “Even if I sell my DVD player, I’m still close to $2,000 short.” Let’s all stop and be grateful that we live in 2014 where DVD players don’t cost $1,000 because LOL NOPE. The doorbell rings, and it’s Eve. She hands him an envelope and tells him it contains $400 from the strippers because they thought the story was so cute. Dawson refuses the money because it’s his problem. Pacey picks up a pair of Rayban Wayfarers that Dawson found in the sofa and says he has an idea. The Tinkly Piano plays a royalty free approximation of Old Time Rock and Roll to let us know that shit’s about to get Risky Business-y.

Diva: It’s kind of the exact opposite of that song’s intro piano riff. I laughed for about ten minutes. Kevin Williamson, cough up the money for the royalties, or don’t do the song at all. The royalty-free version was so distractingly hilarious.

K: RIGHT?! Pacey suggests they throw a party at Leery Manor complete with strippers, and Dawson will make the money he needs in a matter of hours. All they need to do is charge $20 per person. (D: “I destroyed my dad’s boat! What do I do? Oh, I know – destroy his house too!”) The zoomy cameraman does his zoomy thing as Pacey puts the sunglasses on, and we cut to every guy in the greater Cape Cod area lined up outside Leery Manor that night. As they head inside, Pacey informs them that the bouncer holding the money jar will break their limbs if they touch the strippers. Inside, Dawson looks awkward and Eve walks through the party counting money because that seems like an EXCELLENT idea.

Dawson awkwards some more and makes his way past the gyrating strippers to the Shrine o’ Spielberg. He flops down on his bed, then hears a soft “Hey…” from behind him. It’s Joey. She apologises for lashing out at him, and he says she should have called. She says she was ashamed and wanted to ignore life for a while. She asks about Eve, and Dawson insists they just met. Joey’s pleased, and they admit that they missed each other. He says nothing’s the same any more, and she agrees, but says it doesn’t have to be. She strokes his face and says that things can be better this year. She pulls off her shirt and Dawson stares at her as we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Joey goes to kiss Dawson, but he stops her, saying it’s wrong because this isn’t the real her. He tells her to get dressed, and she’s embarrassed. He apologises if she’s hurt, and things rapidly descend into an argument. She sadly asks what’s wrong with her that he doesn’t want to sleep with her, and he replies that it’s not her. It’s them. The two of them together is wrong and they both know it. “So…you love me, you just don’t want me?” she asks tearfully. He doesn’t answer. She starts crying and climbs out the window. Dawson sighs sadly.

Downstairs, Pacey shuts off the music, turns on the lights, and introduces the crowd to their host, Dawson. For inexplicable reasons, Jen and Jack are there. Pacey announces that they’ve made over $3,000 already and says it’s time to let the public in. The crowd cheers and Dawson’s all “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK”. The house is quickly overrun with people. Eve pulls Dawson through the crowd, saying that she has a surprise for him. He says he should stay with the house, partly so it doesn’t burn down and partly so he doesn’t have to work out if they’re going to sleep together. She flirts some more and he says he’ll be right with her.

Dawson heads deeper into the party and pulls Pacey away from a stripper to say that Joey wants him back, and Pacey says he has to choose between “the Madonna and the Jezebel“. (D: *massive eyeroll* Show, you don’t get credit for recognizing this when YOU’RE STILL CONSTANTLY REINFORCING THIS EXTREMELY LIMITED VIEW OF WOMEN.) (K: YUP.) Dawson says that he knows the time isn’t right for him and Joey, but he needs to make sure she’s okay. He asks Pacey to go and check on her and watch out for her for a few days. Pacey’s all “Nooooooooooooo, party full of strippers!!” but Dawson begs it as a favour to him. Pacey reluctantly relents and Dawson sighs with relief.

Dawson finds Eve by the dock in her boss’ speedboat. He’s hesitant about the boat idea, given what happened last time, but she says they should try again. Just then, there’s a shout of “DAWSON!!!!!!!!!!” from off screen. It’s Mitch. I laugh and laugh and laugh because of reasons. Eve tells Dawson to get in the boat and leave his problems and irate father for later. It’s a terrible plan, but he’s clearly tempted. Eventually, he says he can’t and watches a little sadly as she drives away into the night.

Cut to Joey’s. She’s sitting on their ramshackle dock crying. She looks up to see Pacey floating towards her in Dawson’s rowboat. He says that it brought him there just like magic. She makes idle threats against his life to remind us that they hate each other, but he ties the boat up and hops up on the dock next to her. He looks at her and she eyerolls as she says “He told you, didn’t he?“. “What do you think?” Pacey replies. She says she hates both of them, but Pacey tells her that Dawson made the right decision. Joey’s all “The fuck??”, but he says it’s for the best for them to be apart at the moment.

Joey’s incredulous, and Pacey’s all “Right, because I wouldn’t know anything about letting someone go”. He wouldn’t know a thing about knowing  you’re right for someone, just not right now. Nope. Not a thing. She tears up again as she says she wishes it was anyone but him seeing her like this, and he replies “You know, it’s a new year, Joey. Who knows, you and I might even become friends.” She sasses in reply that she’s sad enough already without that happening, and he smiles as he puts an arm around her shoulders. She breaks down and leans into him as she cries. Fade to black.

This episode is pretty stupid, really. And you know it’s going to be from the second Dawson tells a cute mysterious girl on a bus that he’s watching Risky Business. But at least we know there’s no more Dawson and Joey nonsense on the horizon!! HURRAH. Plus, my inner fangirl is squealing with excitement. Because of reasons, you guys. Because of reasons.

Diva: SO MUCH REASON-INDUCED SQUEALING, YOU GUYS.

Next time, Dawson makes another shitty movie, Pacey asks for his new BFF Joey’s help in seeing Andie, and Jack gets an unexpected offer. Find out more in Dawson’s Creek S03 E02 – Homecoming.