Previously: Gordon found himself in the middle of an accountant fight club.
—
Harvey Dent
Alex: Gordon arrives home to an empty apartment, bringing Selina with him. While Selina heads into the kitchen to help herself to food, he reads Barbara’s note in which she apologises for being so jumpy and useless lately, and says she’s leaving town for a while to pull herself together. (M: I even hate Barbara when her presence is merely implied by a letter.) Gordon gets a phone call, so Selina takes the opportunity to sneak a look at the note and pry into Gordon’s personal life while she swigs from a bottle of milk. I see what you did there, show. Selina is the future cow-woman!
Gordon has asked a police sketch-artist to come over so that Selina can give her description of the Waynes’ killer. He tells her that once that’s done, she’ll be going to stay at Wayne Manor. I do hope he checked with Bruce and Alfred before inviting her to crash with them. Unexpected guests are the worst.
Marines: We only have so many “home” sets in this show. It’s probably either Wayne Manor or with Mama Kappelput. It has to work out.
Alex: Prison. A couple of guards are chatting about some Genius Bomb Maker who they’re about to put in a van. This guy is a ser-biz criminal, who recently blew up the commissary using only match shavings and apple cider vinegar. GBM is escorted out of the prison but just before the guards restrain him, he really obviously takes something out of his mouth and slips it into his sleeve. Like, really REALLY obviously, but none of the guards seem to notice. Apparently Gotham’s correctional officers are just as bad at their jobs as its police officers.
Wayne Manor. Gordon is showing Bruce the sketch drawn from Selina’s description of the murderer. It’s a man with a very heavy jawline and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to recognise him, but I definitely don’t. Alfred grumbles about the unwanted houseguest situation, and is not at all pleased at the idea of a street criminal coming to live with them indefinitely. I guess Gordon didn’t OK it with them first, then. Gordon explains that this is for Selina’s own safety as a witness, because the GCPD is full of moles.
Alfred makes the valid point that bringing Selina into their home could put Bruce in danger, but Bruce puts his tiny little foot down and says that she wants her to stay because she’s their best chance of finding the killer and also because she’s hawt (implied). Alfred is a servant first and a guardian second, so he backs down.
Mari: I’m thinking about the millions I’d have to be paid to be a full time Servant First, Guardian Second. MILLIONS.
Sweeney: MANY, MANY MILLIONS. Scenes like this are miserable to watch but I guess moderately helpful in making Alfred’s gross ineptitude as a guardian somehow balance out into something vaguely resembling sense.
Alex: Bruce leaves and Gordon explains to Alfred that he and the Major Crimes Duo are going to be meeting with a trustworthy lawyer friend of theirs this afternoon. He says to be nice to Selina, because witnesses who feel a connection with the victim are less likely to back out of testifying. I can’t help feeling that moving a witness into the victim’s home to bond with them is probably some kind of witness tampering, but I’m not Diva and this isn’t HTGAWM, so whatevs.
Out in the hallway, Selina is just casually throwing around a Ming vase, as you do. Bruce shows up and is all ‘hey girl, so you like my 500-year-old vase?’ but she’s unimpressed and tells him that she could get one for five bucks at Chinatown. (M: It’s not the age of the vase, it’s the, uh, motion of the ocean. I think I messed that up.) Bruce holds out a hand and introduces himself, and she smiles and tells him to call her Cat. It’s kind of cute, except that I just remembered she was creeping around his house and watching him sleep a couple of weeks ago. (M: Selina and that vase are probably old friends.)
Prison van. Genius Bomb Maker is fiddling with something under his restraints. The guard eventually notices and unties him to find out what he’s holding. It looks like he’s been making some kind of origami out of a match book, but I don’t really know. Just then, the van swerves to avoid an approaching car. They crash, and a bunch of guys with big guns jump out of the car and shoot the guards. GBM picks up his origami thingy as the guys yell at him to come with them.
CLOUDS! GOTHAM! LIGHTNING! CLOUDS! CREDITS!
Outside the courthouse, a handsome lawyer is talking to a street kid about getting a second change. He offers a deal: he’ll flip a coin, and the kid can go free if he wins. If he loses, then he goes to jail. The only catch is that if he wins, he must promise to get his life together and start behaving. The kid agrees, the coin is flipped, and he goes free.
Sweeney: I groaned when I saw the coin. Handsome Lawyer is Nicholas D’Agosto who has been in lots of things (Heroes, Masters of Sex) but I know him from one of my absolute favorite movies, Rocket Science, and his being on this show as one of its cardboard villains pains me a little. A lot, actually.
Alex: Gordon arrives with the Major Crimes Duo, and they greet Handsome Lawyer, whose name is of course Harvey Dent. This might have been a mildly exciting reveal, if they hadn’t already given it away by naming the episode after him.
Mari: Previous experience has taught us that that means that this episode will only be a little bit about him, which is also a bummer.
Alex: Gordon introduces himself and asks about the coin trick, and Harvey explains that teenagers always call ‘heads’, so he has a two-headed coin. His coin has two heads, you see. One might even say that it has TWO FACES.
In Harvey’s office… wait, wait. This is going to get confusing. We already have a Harvey on this show. OK, so, in Dent’s office, Gordon shows him the sketch of the Waynes’ supposed killer, but says that it isn’t much use without a positive ID, and that it’s really the person who hired the killer in the first place that they want to find. Dent says that they can use the idea of the witness. He shows them a picture of some dude called Lovecraft, who has had various shady dealings with both Falcone and Maroni. He also had some involvement with the Arkham project and clashed with Thomas Wayne over politics, and Dent is certain that he’s connected to the murder. He wants to leak rumours of an eyewitness who can tie Lovecraft to the murder, which will either cause Lovecraft to slip up or smoke out the real killer. Gordon is hesitant, but agrees after Dent assures him that he’s a Good Guy too and just wants to help the city. However, the ominous music as they shake hands seems to indicate otherwise.
Mari: Good looking out, Sound Effect Man. I wasn’t sure if maybe this guy had, I don’t know, TWO FACES or something.
Alex: GCPD. Gotham arrives at work and Bullock greets him with the case of the escaped Genius Bomb Maker. GBM was responsible for a number of explosions, the last of which killed several janitors in the building he was targeting. However, he always worked alone and was completely isolated in prison, so Bullock can’t work out why anyone would have broken him out of a prison van. The only person he ever spoke to on the phone from prison was his brother, so Bullock’s bringing him in for questioning. With work talk out of the way, Bullock asks about Gordon’s ‘girl troubles’, and then follows it up with an ‘I told you so’ about dating rich ladies. I’m trying so hard to like Bullock, but he doesn’t make it easy.
Mari: I think we can squeeze a misogyny shot out of that line, though, if you need something to help that along.
Sweeney: Straight from Page 1 of the Snark Squad Recapper’s Manual.
Alex: Noted. *Glug*.
Wayne Mansion. Selina finds Alfred teaching Bruce how to box. Alfred pauses to greet her, and Bruce takes advantage of the moment to punch him in the ribs. However, Bruce is then distracted by the pretty girl, so Alfred retaliates by whacking him in the arm. Bruce complains that it hurt, but Alfred just tell him he needs to learn to take a punch as well as throw one. I know I keep going on about this but WHAT THE HELL, ALFRED? As someone who did martial arts for years, I’m all for kids learning self-defence and discipline and whatnot, but Alfred basically seems to be teaching his troubled young ward how to get into bar fights. THIS IS SO NOT OK.
Selina scoffs at the idea of Bruce learning to fight like this, saying that in the real world people don’t fight with gloves on. Poor Bruce looks embarrassed, but recovers quickly and asks her how her room is. He’s the cutest. I just want to hug him and bake him cookies and not teach him how to break people’s noses with expensive watches.
Anyway, Selina’s hungry, but Alfred tells her she’ll have to wait until lunch since she didn’t bother to get up for breakfast. She goes to find herself food anyway, and Bruce tells Alfred to be nice. Alfred’s reply is basically ‘Selina and Bruce, sitting in a tree…’ and Bruce teases him a little about his own (presumably) non-existent love-life before they get back to boxing.
Mari: Servant First, Guardian Second, Lady Lover Hardly Ever: The Sad True Story of Alfred Pennyworth.
Alex: Liza’s apartment (that’s Fish Mooney’s annoying sidekick, in case you didn’t recognise the name). Penguin lets himself in and finds a picture of her looking cosy with Falcone. He wonders aloud what she’s up to, and then starts going through her stuff. He steals a scarf and a bottle of lilac-scented perfume, then runs out of the apartment and up the stairs just as Liza comes home. Sidebar: every apartment building in this show looks EXACTLY the same. They really need to buy more sets. Liza enters her apartment and looks creeped out when she notices that her scarf is missing.
GCPD. Bullock and Gordon interrogate GBMs brother, who says he hasn’t heard from him. He also says that his brother didn’t mean to kill anyone. His thing was blowing up munitions factories in the name of being a Good Guy, and when he accidentally killed the janitors he felt so terrible that he turned himself in and pleaded guilty. He explains that GBM is mentally ill, and begs them to help him.
This is all intercut with scenes of GBM putting together a bomb attached to a kitchen timer. He places it in a hamper, covers it with tissue paper, then gives it to Some Guy in a Hat who puts a bunch of hamper-y goodies on top. Some Guy in a Hat then takes it to the security desk in the Gotham Munitions Factory, where the security guards excitedly tuck into the tasty treats until the bomb goes off. GBM watches the explosion from outside, and looks upset.
Mari: “What a waste of goodies.”
Alex: Wayne manor. Bruce is reading the newspaper, and Selina walks in being surly. Bruce offers to get Alfred to go shopping for her, but she doesn’t want any new clothes. She asks him why he isn’t in school, and he replies that he’s developing his own curriculum and majoring in Advanced Face Punching. Or something. Bruce asks her if her parents are alive and she says that they are, but gets defensive and runs off when he tries to ask more questions about them.
GCPD. Essen complains about the escalating rumours of an ‘urban terrorist’ following the prison escape and the deaths of five security guards. There was no security footage from the factory, but a military-grade explosive was stolen. As she tells them to get to work and find the bomb maker, Gordon gets a call from Alfred, who still isn’t happy about hosting Selina.
Fish’s bar. Damn, I almost thought I’d managed to get another Fish-free episode. She and Butch are scheming when Penguin walks in, claiming that he’s just stopped by to say hello and try to be friendly. Fish isn’t convinced. Penguin lurches forward, seriously invading her personal space, and takes a good sniff. He notes that she smells of lilacs, then leaves. There are a lot of really short scenes in this episode and it’s making it a right pain to recap. (M: And watch, FYI. But I’m glad I’m not recapping.)
GCPD. Bullock has a list of GBM’s contacts and phone records from before he went to prison. Gordon mentions that Barbara has left him, and Bullock reassures him that she’s just bluffing to try to get him to set a wedding date. Ugh. Nygma appears out of nowhere and rambles a bit about video games, but nobody really listens to him until he produces a piece of evidence from the bomb site: a name plate from an abandoned metal factory, which formed part of the bomb. Gordon and Bullock make Nygma’s day by complimenting him on the good work, and they set off to check out the factory.
Sweeney: These people are the worst fucking coworkers ever. I suspect the majority of Gotham’s future petty criminals come from the GCPD in some capacity or another.
Alex: If/when Nygma decides to become a supervillain, I will fully support that decision on the grounds of rudest co-workers ever.
When they get to the factory, they find GBM working on a bomb, still wearing his prison jumpsuit. They couldn’t even give him any fresh clothes to wear? Harsh. They point their guns at him, but he reveals that he planted the name plate for them to find. His kidnappers are a Russian gang who threatened to kill his brother unless he helped them. They’re planning to make a move against Falcone, and have him building bombs to blow up something big. Just then, the Russians arrive back at the warehouse. There’s a brief shoot-out, but the Russians drive off with GBM. Bullock and Gordon kind of jog half-heartedly after them for a few seconds, but don’t bother actually getting in their car to pursue them or anything. It’s probably lunchtime.
Wayne Manor. Bruce catches Selina trying to sneak out, and apologises for upsetting her by talking about her family. She denies that she was upset, and changes the subject by saying that Martha Wayne looks nice in her photograph. Bruce says that he feels guilty for not doing anything to stop his parents being murdered right in front of him, but Selina insists there was nothing he could have done against a man with a gun. She tells him that her own mother is a secret agent posing as a famous cabaret star, and that she’ll come home as soon as she’s completed her secret mission. Bruce nods politely and says that sounds nice, although he doesn’t seem entirely convinced. Then Selina asks if he’s ever kissed a girl, and Bruce looks both excited and horrified, but unfortunately Alfred interrupts to tell him it’s time for homework.
GCPD. The Mayor is angry about all the terrorist rumours, but Gordon tells him it’s his fault for housing mentally ill patients at a prison without mental health facilities, meaning that GBM needed to be taken off-site for treatment. The Mayor has no fucks to give and just tells them to find the escaped prisoner, before storming out. Essen says that she’s put GBM’s brother and his family into protective custody. I like her more and more each week. She toes a difficult line between answering to corrupt assholes like the Mayor and doing some actual good as the police chief, but she seems to do a fairly good job.
Sweeney: She’s one of the few people on this show that actually comes across as a whole human being instead of just some archetype’s shadow.
Alex: Dent’s office. Dent has called Lovecraft in to tell him that he’s got an eyewitness linking him and his fellow crime bosses to the Waynes’ murder, and that he should carefully consider his options before things get ugly. Lovecraft laughs and calls him a fool, which causes Dent to go nuts. He grabs Lovecraft by the throat and snarls that he’ll rip him apart if he ever says that again. He then snaps out of it and politely bids him goodbye, while Lovecraft looks suitably alarmed.
Mari: Probably not by the accusation at all, but by, you know, the guy going crazy.
Alex: Bullock and Gordon have managed to find one of the Russians in their police records, it turns out he used to work for Nikolai (Fish’s now-dead lover). They speculate about who he might be working for now. They know it must be someone with money, but since everyone in Gotham with money also has something against Falcone, that doesn’t help to narrow it down. This scene was literally 20 seconds long.
A pair of ridiculously high gold stilettos step out of a car, which of course belong to Fish. She meets with Some Russian Guy in a Hat and hands him the keys to a truck, reminding him that she has a lot riding on this job. She promises that Falcone’s money will definitely be where she told them, and that stealing it will hit Falcone where it hurts, which should serve as effective payback for killing their former boss. As the Russians leave, she tells them to ‘break a leg’.
Wayne Manor, which turns out has a huge pool in the back garden. Bruce is in the pool, fully clothed, timing how long he can hold his breath for. He emerges and Selina calls him a weird kid. He says that he’s training, developing self-discipline and willpower. She again tells him that he’s going about it the wrong way. On the streets, you need to be mean and ruthless as well as strong, but he’s too nice and wouldn’t last five minutes on the streets of Gotham.
Mari: Also, why does he have to be fully clothed to practice holding his breath?
Alex: GCPD. Nygma is playing with explosives while listening to a quiz show on the radio. I can’t really figure out what Nygma’s job is supposed to be. Whatever he’s fiddling with suddenly causes a mini-explosion, and he gets excited.
Alex: I cannot resists using any and every Nygma gif I come across.
He brings the chunk of metal that he’s just blown a hole in to Bullock and Gordon, and explains that the stolen explosives are only useful for blasting through iron. Bank vaults are always made of steel these days, so the Russians must be up to something else. Bullock and Gordon remember that the Gotham armoury has iron vaults, and that it was bought over by a private investor a few years ago. Those seem like really random details to just know off the top of your head. They leave in a hurry and forget to thank Nygma this time. (S: Again, shittiest coworkers ever.) He looks sad that they didn’t take his piece of exploded iron with them, though I’m not sure why they would.
Gotham Armoury. The Genius Bomb Maker pushes the detonator and there’s a big explosion. After a few seconds, the door to the vault crashes open and the Russians start carrying enormous stacks of cash out to their vans. Gordon and Bullock arrive and yell that they’re surrounded, while other GCPD cars pull up. GBM slowly walks towards the cops while everyone has their guns pointed at everyone else, and it’s all very tense until the mood is broken by a phone playing ‘The Final Countdown’. LOL. Someone in the sound department is definitely having some fun with the ringtones on this show. Also, I know we’ve kind of given up on the whole ‘when is this show set?’ thing and I’ll stop pointing these things out soon, but I’d just like to note that said phone appears to be a smartphone. Aaanyway, the phone is attached to a bomb in the truck which Fish supplied. Gordon yells at everyone to get down as it explodes and money flies everywhere. On a nearby hillside, we see that Butch was the caller.
Wayne Manor. Bruce and Selina are having breakfast when she decides to throw her bagel at him. She then tells him that if he can manage to hit her with a bagel too, he can kiss her. He doesn’t have to be told twice and they start running around the room, giggling and throwing bagels all over the place.
Sweeney: THIS WAS SO CUTE! This might have been the first truly endearing moment on this show. Nine episodes later.
Alex: AGREED.
Alfred passes the room and smiles when he sees Bruce finally having some fun. His phone rings and it’s Gordon, apologising for not coming to deal with Selina sooner. Alfred tells him not to worry about it, because she’s actually a breath of fresh air.
Mari: He must not yet realize he’s going to have to pick up the bagels.
Alex: Liza arrives home to find Penguin waiting for her. He asks what she thinks Falcone would do if he found out that she was spying on him for Fish. She says that he can’t prove that, and Penguin agrees that he can’t, but says it would be enough to plant the suspicion in Falcone’s mind. When Liza says that he’s wrong, Penguin starts to call Falcone right then and there, but she yells for him to stop. Penguin reassures her that he’ll keep her secret safe, as long as she keeps doing exactly what she’s been doing and doesn’t tell anyone about it.
GCPD. Dent arrives and tells Gordon that he managed to scare Lovecraft, who he now thinks is definitely involved in the murder. He reckons some of the ‘big players’ will start talking soon and reveal who ordered the hit. Gordon makes Dent promise that if that happens, he won’t do anything without discussing it with him first. Dent agrees, and congratulates Gordon on saving GBM’s life, but Gordon sees Bullock coming and gets rid of Dent in a hurry. Bullock comes to tell Gordon that GBM has been sent to Arkham, along with all the other mentally ill inmates, by order of the Mayor. GBM also told him that the bomb in the truck wasn’t one of his, and that he doesn’t know who planted it there.
Fish’s bar. She’s watching some girls in skimpy outfits practising on stage when Butch shows up to tell her that all the Russians are dead and the money gone. He expects her to be mad about the second part, but she tells him that the point was not to steal the money but to hurt Falcone, which they very successfully did.
Gotham press conference. The Mayor is giving a speech which is kind of a twisted version of what Gordonarbara said to him earlier. He blames the recent tragedies on the lack of mental health provisions in Gotham’s prison, and he will therefore be turning the old Arkham asylum into a remedial facility for the criminally insane. As he speaks, we see busloads of prisoners being led into the asylum. Maybe I’m being really pedantic, but isn’t this just repeating exactly what Bullock said 30 seconds ago? It feels like really sloppy writing and/or editing.
Barbara is lying in bed surrounded by dirty dishes and an empty wine bottle, as Gordon leaves her a voicemail. He tells her that he loves her, and asks her to come back because he has nothing without her. Sadly, though, it turns out that Barbara is a little busy with the naked Montoya who is also in the bed with her. Barbara, your decision-making continues to be the absolute worst.
/center>Wait he didn’t ask before foisting a 13 year old girl on them?! #gothamsnark
— Ryan (@meatloafbandit) November 18, 2014
“Hey! I’m two-face! Look at me I’m two-fucking-face holy shit coins! I’m so subtle!” #gothamsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) November 18, 2014
I like that even a guy who puts up with Fish’s nonsensical accent on the daily is all, “Ew, Penguin’s a weirdo.” #gothamsnark
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) November 20, 2014
Look at his hair, Cat. No, Baby Batman has never kissed a girl. #gothamsnark — Nano Ang (@AngiNicole722) November 19, 2014
Just caught myself saying “awww” at Baby Bat and Cat having a food fight. Who am I? #gothamsnark — Dutchface (@Dutchface) November 18, 2014
I suppose it was too much to hope for that Barbara would stay away for even one episode. #GothamSnark — Regina (@ReginaD83) November 19, 2014
I haven’t seen this show in 3 weeks and even I knew that Barbara ran off to be with whats-her-face. #gothamsnark — Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) November 18, 2014
The most damning indictment of this episode is that it isn’t holding my interest enough to be snarky about it. #GothamSnark — Starman Morrison (@GeekyGeekyWays) November 18, 2014
GUYS BE REAL WITH ME: Is there a chance Gotham will not get a second season? #Gotham #GothamSnark
— Mari (@mynameismarines) November 20, 2014
Don’t forget to join us next time with your #gothamsnark tweets, whenever you watch – we’ll keep checking up until we publish the post! Plus, check out the full tag for all of the amazing Tweets. It’s so hard to pick just a few!
Next time on Gotham: An episode that, sadly, probably isn’t about Cthulhu in S01 E10 – Lovecraft.
I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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