Pretty Little Liars S04 E14 – Step Away Slowly

Previously: The girls see Alison for themselves, but like, for a second.
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Who’s in the Box?

Sweeney: The girls are in Spencer’s room trying to process this big! revelation! that we’ve been hinting at since the pilot. In spite of how stupid this is from a plot perspective I kind of feel Aria on her, “Guys, we just found out that the girl whose murder we’ve been quasi-investigating for 3+ years is actually not dead, CAN WE FUCKING TAKE A MINUTE?” Aria’s confused by her feelings, and I don’t blame her.

 
  Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily’s the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it’s very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.

The girls go to the mausoleum to continue their conversation. Spencer considers going to Jason – there’s a chance he already knows Ali’s alive and there might be some utility in letting him share that secret with someone. Hanna impresses everyone (mostly Spencer) with her real an actual theory: Ali’s alive but some other girl went missing around the same time is Ali, got buried and is now chilling in a coffin assigned to Ali. It was important to someone that everyone think that body was Ali, but if they can ID the other girl and find her connection to them/Ali, they can solve this. The girls exchange a morbid knock knock joke with Anonymous Dead Girl.

Marines: I think they went to the mausoleum specifically for that morbid knock, knock joke. What other explanation is there for their sudden appearance there?

Sweeney: Why are they at a random mausoleum? Je ne comprends pas. Why do they do anything ever? Non capisco.

SHHHH!

One Week Later. Emily stops by the DiLaurentis house to ask bout Jason. Mrs. D is changing the sheets to keep the room from getting musty. Emily’s there to figure out what happened to Jason. Mrs. D says he’s on a road trip, but he can be reached if it’s an emergency. Emily says it’s not, asking her only to tell him she said hello if he calls.

Marin Manor. Hanna is doing a little Questionable Google Searching for missing girls in Pennsylvania. She closes her laptop when her mom comes in, hanging up the phone on what is apparently yet another job she can’t get now that she’s an accused murderer and PR train wreck. (M: They don’t even know about the Free Little Old Lady Money.) Hanna’s about to go when we learn that her dad has invited her to Australia, but Hanna’s not interested.

At school, the girls discuss Mrs. D’s latest creepy dead daughter bedroom behavior and the question marks surrounding Jason’s reachability. Spencer ends this conversation with swoony face when Toby arrives in the Sugar Baby Truck. While they are hugging and having their reunion they almost get run over by Mona. Toby decides it’s progress that she didn’t, in fact, run them over.

In the cafeteria, Paige is telling Emily stuff about swim team and Paige apologizes for talking what must be a bit of a sore subject for Emily. Paige realizes that Emily’s a little off and tries to get her to talk about it, but Emily doesn’t want to talk about it, but says so in a really bitchy way that somehow blames Paige for Emily’s refusal to use her words.

Mari: It’s such a great teenager line too. JUST LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS, GOSH.

Sweeney: Mona comes to say hi to Hanna and invite her to take a ride in her new wheels “a victory lap in Jenna’s mustang.” Hanna rightly points out how creepy that is, but is rather terse with her.

Mari: Creepy and also Jenna is presumably selling her car because she’s going blind.

Sweeney: Mona is confused by Hanna shutting her out because she assumed the whole murder confession was sufficient to cancel out that time she threw a car at her. It doesn’t, not so much because of the math, but because Hanna’s doubtful of Mona’s motivations. See, a fake murder confession from the heart might have done the trick. (M: A+)

Hotel Pedzrafornia, the English class Rosewood students can never. leave. (M: Aaaand an A+ and 1430.) He’s blah blahing about Jekyll and Hyde, this week’s Plot Relevant Lesson Plan. He creep stares at the Pretty Little Liars as they leave and asks Aria to stay after class.

Mari: “Aria, can you stay after class? This would be an excellent time to discuss our relationship status, thanks.” I think he does this crap on purpose to better utilize the uneven power dynamic in his favor. It has to be the only explanation.

Sweeney: With the added bonus of really highlighting how he’s the worst.

In a conveniently empty computer lab, Hanna pulls out her laptop and shows Spencer and Emily a missing girl she found. Her name is Sara Harvey and she’s from Portland. Hanna settled on her because of her coloring, size, the timing of her disappearance, and the camera-ready quality of her MISSING GIRL website. Hanna’s already emailed Portland girl’s friends, saying that she understands what they’re going through (because of Ali) and would be there to talk to them. Spencer is, again, impressed.

Thanks to A’s continued technical wizardry, suddenly the screen at the front of the classroom comes on playing old timey footage about learning to become a good citizen in school. There’s an A message cut into the footage. We have to update that A-ssistant posting to include “video editing.”

“Did we just get dared?” Hanna asks. “Double dog dared,” Emily responds. I’m including this conversation directly as it happened, without recap or commentary because I don’t actually know what they’re talking about.

Mari: Sometimes blogging is about just knowing when you should report a thing and step away slowly.

Sweeney: After a Not Break, Ezra babbles about how he didn’t want to have to give Aria up, like his baby girlfriend was some sort of toy doll. Ezra says his days are numbered there and Aria says hers are too and I laugh and laugh because, you know, she’s about to graduate. Because she’s a child.

Hastings House. Spencer asks Shitbag Hastings about Jason and he grumbles shitbaggy things at her and is mad that she talked to Mrs. D and also that she wants to speak to Jason at all. Shitbag is really annoyed with Spencer for acknowledging his secret illegitimate child because it’s so frustrating when people remind you that you’re the worst, you know? Why can’t assholes just be free to be assholes without reproach? The world is so unfair! Shitbag barters with Spencer, offering to find Jason if she’ll stay away from Mrs. D. Spencer promises like the pretty little liar she is.

Marin Manor. Hanna’s chatting with one of Portland Girl’s friends and making coffee dates while trying to pick the lock on a diary. Should I know who this diary belongs too? I missed this entirely.

Mari: It was like a nano-second thing that happened in one of my episodes, meaning that as the commeter on that episode, you probably didn’t notice it at all. Hanna grabbed that diary from Pedzra’s Ravenswood Lair.

Sweeney: Hastings House. Toby shares his discoveries, obtained by trying to think like Spencer and checking the visitor’s log. He tracked a bunch of people down who knew that his mother didn’t jump and about Wilden’s involvement. Nobody talked because Radley is owned by some big healthcare company. Oh, show, surely you know corporate cover-ups are like many levels of OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE as a plot topic. They eventually reign it back in to have a #DEEP discussion about how Radley is “where people go to leave their secrets.” And also the show MythBusters and mice and elephants. I’ve decided to use Pretty Little Liars as an excuse to learn “I do not understand” in as many other languages as possible. Nem értem.

Mari: That’s cool. I can Google translate and pretend I know key phrases in lots of different languages.

Sweeney: One Coffee Shop. Hanna, Aria, and Emily meet up. Emily is still pretty angry about her not!dead sociopath friend, but the other girls just want to bring her back. Instead Hanna gets Caleb and they have a big make out reunion.

After a Not Break they talk a lot about how long it’s been and it’s weird watching without breaks on account of how there’s no time between episodes for us. Caleb speaks cryptically about all the weird shit happening on his spin-off I have no desire to watch, meaning I also don’t care about this conversation. Caleb came back because however long that mid-season break was it was way too long to go without getting laid.

Mari: I was giggly over how obvious it was to me that the gist of that conversation was, “I came back because I was horny.” OKAY, CALEB. You drive those distances for your booty call.

Sweeney: Spencer and Toby corner someone in legal at the healthcare company I refuse to acknowledge as a plot line.

Hanna and Emily chat with Portland Girl’s friends. These girls are their less attractive doubles. They talk about how Portland Girl was the glue in their little group of friends and also super duper special. Some girl named Avery was too busy to make it and is convinced that there’s more going on there. The Portland Liars went to Rosewood a few times to go to their movie theater. There’s something about a bicycle being evidence that Portland Girl’s not dead. Nesuprantu. Not!Emily wonders if it’s any different getting confirmation that your missing friend is actually dead. Real Emily says it’s different but not easier.

In town, Mona finds Ezra reading and she stops to tell him how much she enjoys the gruesome plot relevant book. She speaks exaggeratedly about all the special support the Pretty Little Liars get and how much better off she’d be if she got herself a mentor. Bow chicka. (Ew.) (Yeah, I just ew’d myself.) (M: It happens.)

Toby and Spencer present evidence that Wilden was paid to cover up Mama Cavanaugh’s death. They want legal lady to publicly declare the truth for Toby. Spencer threatens to go on the internet and say things. This is actually her entire threat. “We don’t have to prove anything. We just have to go on the internet and say it.” We cut away before we can see what I assume is Legal Lady choking on her own tears of laughter.

 
  Mari: EVERYONE KNOWS THE INTERNET NEVER LIES, LEGAL LADY.

Sweeney: Marin Manor. Hanna explains the detail I missed about the bicycle – someone saw Portland Girl after the cement was poured on the DiLaurentis corpse-locating gazebo. She hears laughter in the kitchen and it’s Mrs. D, there to give Ashley a job in her real estate office. Um, I think that’s exactly the kind of job where the PR element matters. Like a lot. You too can buy your house from Dead Girl’s Mom, Accused Murderer, & company. (M: You’ll either find a house, or possibly be buried in someone else’s backyard! WHO KNOWS.) Mrs. D tells Hanna that she decided to help because Ali comes to her in dreams. It’s a good thing Mrs. D has all that inherited wealth.

At the cupcake shop where Hanna was tortured, Mona and Ezra have a weird meeting. Mona says he knows all about people thinking he’s one thing when actually she’s something else. She says his reading list is very revealing. Ezra rambles fear driving life at Rosewood. Mona, he says, figured that out and managed to dump her fear which is great except that now she’s missing some intelligent fear that would show her that Ezra’s batshit crazy and she shouldn’t push him or he’ll statutorily rape her or something.

Mari: They are both awful, but I like that Mona figured out that Ezra’s stupid reading lists are all based on how he’s a Lying Liar with inappropriate dating habits.

Sweeney: Later, Hanna and Caleb have more cryptic chat about his stupid ghost show. He repeatedly insists that it’s complicated. Hanna wants to know why he had to go and make things so complicated. She see’s the way he’s acting like somebody else and it gets her frustrated. Especially because he’s going back to Rosewood meaning she’ll again have to say, “see you later boy,” which extra sucks because Toby’s hair is majorly stupid right now and we could use more Wolfy Bad Boy.

Mari: The best part of all of that was the sudden 2003 sing-a-long time!

Sweeney: Speaking of stupid hair, he’s hanging out at Hastings House and about to kiss Spencer when Shitbag Hastings comes back. Toby gloats about how Spencer’s the smartest ever, ever. Spencer squirms because she didn’t want Shitbag to know this. Spencer’s, “I’ll tell the internet on you!” business got them to admit to the suicide cover up, but Shitbag points out that if they’d concede that point on so stupid and flimsy a threat, they probably have enough to get Radley shut down forever, which makes Toby’s eyes light up.

Later, Aria’s waiting for a ride which turns out to be Ezra. She apologizes for calling him but asks to go somewhere and he “knows a place” that he drives her to. K. I never want to learn the redeeming twist the show is going to give him. I refuse to accept it when it comes. He’s a creep and we all know it.

Mari: If we’re at the point in our recapping where our brains cannot actually accept certain plot points, I’m already announcing to everyone that, “LOL. JAYKAY. EZRA IS A GOOD GUY.” is going to be one of those plot points.

Sweeney: I just refuse. I know it’s coming, but I will not accept it when it comes.

One Coffee Shop. Emily hears pounding on the door and freaks out, going to the door with plans to use a coffee pot as a weapon. Not necessary: it’s just not!Hanna.

Ezra’s Creeper Pad. It’s a friend’s cabin that’s close to town but also outside town enough to keep people from hearing girls’ scream. Aria asks what he wants and Ezra says that he wants to start over. Aria notes that she’s supposedly seeing someone and also their principal watches her waiting for proof that the man he hired is actually the pedophile he knows he is. (M: GOOD PLAN, BRO. WATCH THE STUDENT.) (S: You know, because obviously the real problem is those minors luring people in positions of power to take advantage of them!) Aria says something about how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning so Ezra offers her the key to this cabin as their magic little secret. IT’S NOT YOUR CABIN TO GIVE OUT THE KEYS TOO, EZRA. Nor is it your fucking cabin to resume your illegal sexual relationship in, but whatever. Fine.

One Coffee Shop. Not!Hanna is there to tell Emily that she’s worried about her friend Avery. She says that Portland Girl was pretty and poised and perfect and also a terrible person. “Everything she gave you, she took two things away.” She can’t tell her friends this, but it’s the worst having this batshit friend who is gone but not gone and who they can’t escape. She’s tired of being Portland Girl’s friend because it sucks the life out of her. Emily understands those feels. Not!Hanna says that she wished Portland Girl was dead before she went missing and then realizes that’s a terrible thing to confess, particularly to a stranger, and she leaves.

Marin Manor. Hanna begs Caleb not to go and volunteers to go with him. He’s a little rough with her, but he insists that there’s nothing like “what she’s thinking” with Miranda. Caleb says that Miranda needs him but it’s not like it sounds and he has to go and blah blah supernatural spinoff no1curr you got canceled. Hanna cries beautiful tears. Caleb cries beautiful tears. Doors are slammed. Caleb leaves.

Ashley hears the tail end of this. Hanna cries and asks if guys all just leave. Ashley runs down the stairs to comfort her daughter.

Mari: Aw, Han. Not all the boyfriends get a spinoff. Pick a less awesome boyfriend maybe? IDK what to tell you.

Sweeney: Hastings House. Spencer wants to know what Shitbag’s interest is in Radley. He comes up with a few bullshit answers, the last of which is that it’s about having seen her in there. She doesn’t fight, but also doesn’t seem to buy it and it hurts my heart and makes me hate him that much more.

Creeper Cabin. Ezra sits in bed and stares at Aria staring out the window. Zoomy cameraman shows us a hatch to get below the door. Don’t go into the mysterious cabin basement! Bad idea! Definite BAD. IDEA.

At her house, Emily tells Paige about when Ali let her kiss her. At the time she had thought it was an incredible gift, but she doesn’t think that way now. She doesn’t think Ali ever loved anyone – just collected it. I mean, the fucked up thing in all of this is that Ali was/is the worst but all of these stories are of a 13/14 year old girl, so her being the literal worst isn’t entirely on her. What the fuck were the adults in her life up to? Anyway, Emily confesses to Paige that Ali broke her heart and didn’t even care about what she was doing. Paige realizes that this is how Emily is finally starting to say goodbye to Ali.

Mari: All in time for her to be 100% for sure alive. Cool.

Sweeney: One Coffee Shop. Caleb emerges with coffee in hand to find Hanna waiting for him. She says that whatever happens, she doesn’t want that to be the way they say goodbye. They take their breathy broody do-over and Caleb gets into the car. She hands him his coffee from the roof of the car. Caleb promises not to forget anything. He drives off and they both cry more beautiful tears, separately this time. Only this time Caleb’s tears aren’t so much beautiful as constipated. (M: I had to look away.)

Mausoleum. The girls stare at the marker for Ali, sad that they still don’t know who is really in there. Just somebody. That’s super fucked up. Hanna reveals the diary she was trying to break into and informs the girls (and me because I forgot about this in two episodes) that she stole it from the Ravenswood lair. She remembered Ali showing it to her. She was afraid to share it with them because of the shit Ali said about all of them. Dramatic music plays as Spencer takes the diary and we’re played out of the episode.

  A-nonymous. Someone in the usual A uniform opens the floor hatch in the Creeper Cabin.

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The girls get stuck in Ezra’s cabin in S04 E15 – Love ShAck, Baby.