Previously: Even Ali’s diary is a lying liar.
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Close Encounters
Sweeney: We begin exactly where the last episode ends. Given that no episode seems to span more than one or two endless days, the trend toward running episodes one into the next like this only contributes to the overall meaningless of time in Rosewood. The Pretty Little Liars struggle with GPS and technology and stuff and try to make their way to the Busy Bee Inn, where Ali may or may not be hiding out.
Busy Bee Inn. The liars go into a room that appears to have broken into (shattered window) and which has been occupied by a female squatter who dresses kind of like Ali.
Marines: She picks up a single floral blouse. “Ali would wear this!” And so would a gabillion other girls and some boys, congrats.
Sweeney: They wonder if A and Ali struggled and if Ali was subsequently abducted. The door blows closed behind them and A has carved “You’re too late,” into the door. I hope somebody stopped to get Ali’s deposit back first.
The next day, Hanna and Emily talk on the phone and Hanna speculates that maybe the whole thing was a big A set-up – it was all a little too neatly served up for their consumption/terror. Emily’s dropping of pie for a church bake sale. Someone with SUSPICIOUS BLACK SNEAKERS creeps into the church behind her. ONLY A WEARS BLACK SNEAKERS TO CHURCH.
Toby’s Apartment. Shitbag Hastings knocks on the door and is surprised that Spencer answers – he thought she was going to stay with Hanna and he orders her to get her stuff together. She says she’ll come home just as soon as he tells his wife about how he’s been spending time with his former mistress. Shitbag shows himself into Toby’s apartment and confesses that Jason – his illegitimate son – fell off the wagon and got into a bar fight. He and Mrs. D have been helping Jason get into rehab, and that’s why she wanted to spare him the news about the divorce. Shitbag, for his part, is supposedly trying to spare his wife the reminder of his infidelity. Toby comes down the stairs shirtless and freshly showered, showing of Dem Abs to us and Shitbag who doesn’t have a fatherly leg to stand on here so he merely tells Toby to put pants on so that they can discuss Radley alone.
Mari: I’m pretty sure he saw dem abs and understood everything perfectly.
Sweeney: Pedopad. Aria is having tea with Ezra. She tries to make plans with him but there are scheduling struggles and Aria’s not willing to go all the way out to the Child Molester Cabin. This stupid scene is made awkward by a text from Jake. Aria says that she’s made up her mind and she has to go with her 32-year-old soul and end her age appropriate relationship today.
Marin Manor. Spencer sits on Hanna’s bed as she tosses all of her clothes into boxes because all her clothes remind her of a certain missing Wolfy Bad Boy and she’d rather do that than drown her feelings in ice cream. Girl, ice cream will never do you wrong. Trust the ice cream.
Mari: And then those clothes won’t fit you anyway! You can get rid of them too! You can have a clean closet and ice cream.
Sweeney:
Ashley pops her head into Hanna’s room to marvel at the rare sight of someone actually cleaning out a closet. That has been the reaction in my house for the past two weeks. We have an insane amount of storage space in this house which we all take as an invitation to store EVERYTHING and after 26 years of being my mother’s packrat daughter I’m choosing my upcoming move as the moment to throw away all! the! things! and while I stand by the superior power of ice cream I must also admit that this feels really good too.
Church. It turns out the the creepy shoe wearer is Shana. She’s there with a message from Ali: she wants the girls to back off because they almost got her killed at the Inn last night. (M: Um, no. A almost killed her. Different.) Emily calls bullshit on Shana’s general everything. Shana says that she’s known Ali since they were toddlers because she lived by Ali’s grandparents in Georgia. She was sent up to Rosewood to look into Ali’s attempted murderer – Jenna is on the list and she’s keeping friends close and enemies closer. Emily tells Shana to prove that she’s really talking to Ali.
Toby’s Apartment. Shitbag Hastings is explaining the your-mom’s-death-wasn’t-murder business. I’ve never really followed the whole Toby’s mom plot, to be honest. Radley’s not going to admit fault but now they’ve decided to give Toby some, “Oops, sorry our negligence killed your mom!” money. Toby’s mad that they’re not shutting Radley down, but he looks the contract over with pained sighs.
Aria goes to see Jake at his studio. She notices a big gash above his eye and he kisses her and she’s stilted and awkward. There’s stuff about Jake and his competitions and it’s all pointless because he’s about to get written out so it doesn’t matter. Sad music plays and Aria stumbles around her words and Jake realizes on his own that she’s back with Ezra. Aria confesses and gets all it’s-not-you-it’s-my-child-molester-teacher. Jake’s not ready to be friends with her because he’s gotta go vomit for the next four months. (M: Conservative estimate.)
Toby’s Apartment. Spencer looks over the contract and realizes that there are KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT clauses. Spencer points out that it’s suspicious as hell that her terrible father went from wanting to close the place down to telling Toby to contractually silence himself.
Montgomery Manse. Emily explains to the other girls that she told Shana to prove her ties to Ali by finding out what Ali said when she pulled her out of the barn, though she won’t repeat that to the other girls because she wants to keep it a secret between her and Ali. And maybe Shana. Spencer speculates that Shana’s full of shit and A just wants the girls to stop investigating Ali. Emily’s not quite sure – Ali, crazy sociopath that she is, could make someone love her enough to travel state lines hunting down murderers. That’s a terrifying skill to have.
Marin Manor. Travis comes by and we see all of Hanna’s shit in the foyer because a pipe burst in the basement (THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER) and for some unknown reason the pair decide to play pool in the foyer. Why not.
Mari: Why not? BECAUSE THIS IS STUPID. They had to give the Marin’s a busted pipe to figure out some reason to employ the sexy-pool-playing-trope! And one side of that table is up against the wall! Aren’t you supposed to be able to walk all around it? THEY PUT A POOL TABLE IN THE FOYER, SWEENEY.
Sweeney: I…don’t even have words for the slow, sad realization that I’ve seen far too many episodes of this show, since my reaction to pool-table-in-the-foyer was , “Why not?” I need to go read a book and examine the choices I’ve been making with my life for the last year or however long we’ve been doing this. (The meaninglessness of time is a virus of some sort.)
Shana and Emily meet up in the park. Shana says that Emily loved Ali most and Ali gave her a choice to stay or go with her. Did this really happen? I don’t know why I’m asking because I know none of us care enough to look it up and it’s even less likely that anybody actually remembers something that happened that long ago. (M: Yep. Ignoring all of this.) Anyway, Shana adds that Ali kissed Emily before she left (which I think did happen). Emily asks how long Shana has known that Ali was alive. Answer: since Mona went to Radley. Shana says that Ali wants to meet her tonight, but only if she goes alone.
Foyer Pool. Travis says he was worried about Hanna last night and tells her she doesn’t have to put up a front with him. Naturally, Hanna struggles to play and this turns into sexy pool tutorial time.
Spencer swings by Emily’s house for Emily to confirm that Shana did, indeed, know things that were impossible for anyone but Ali to know. Spencer’s still doubtful – knowing improbable information is sort of A’s whole jam. Emily confirms that Shana did grow up next to Ali’s grandparents. Spencer says she has pictures of a bunch of the diary pages and there are other places they can look instead of following this probable-trap lead. Emily’s undeterred and she’s adamant about going alone.
Montgomery Manse. Aria comes home to find a present Jake sent her before he got dumped. It’s a necklace with her name on it.
Hastings House. Spencer comes home to find a full fancy spread laid out for her mother’s return. He wants her to stay and join them for a terrible family dinner. Spencer confronts him about the settlement but he continues to say nothing.
Out on the streets of Rosewood, Jake sees Ezra being a giant creep and shouting at someone in a car and punching her trunk when she drives away. He is bewildered.
Sexy Foyer Pool. Travis is saying goodbye to Hanna and she kisses him. She’s awkward and he points out that she’s just getting out of a relationship, so the timing’s not great. Hanna silences this talk with kisses. Let’s not silence people’s valid objections with kisses, please? (M: The official Snark Lady stance.)
Emily nervously puts on lipstick and gets cute to go meet Ali.
Mari: I bet picking out a, “welcome back from the dead!” date outfit is very challenging.
Sweeney: Ashley returns home to find this awkward makeout session in the foyer. She asks to speak to Hanna in the kitchen. Hanna tells her mom not to judge her but Ashley’s not judging, she’s concerned. Travis pokes his head to say he should get going and Ashley has to point out that he has lipstick on his neck. Hanna tells her mom that she’s being a bit hypocritical with this business about not running to a new guy to get over the old one. The hypocrisy doesn’t make it any less true. Regardless, Hanna is tired of being told by other people how to deal with this, since it’s her broken heart.
Hastings House. Spencer notices her father’s briefcase left unattended on the coffee table so she gets to snooping, with her classic teen sleuth lack of respect for privacy. While snooping, though, Spencer notices that Jessica DiLaurentis is on the Board of Trustees at Radley. Her father comes downstairs and asks what she’s doing but Spencer turns it on him and his own shady behavior. He insists that Mrs. D being on the board is toootally not relevant and also he’s gotta go shave his hands and pick up his wife at the airport. Once he’s gone, Spencer calls Toby to tell him not to sign the agreement no matter what.
Marin Manor. Hanna lies in bed listening to sad music on her iPod. Ashley comes to tell her to put her coat on because they’re going out. I love Ashley so much when she’s not being impossibly stupid.
Aria goes to try to return the Aria necklace. What the fuck is he going to do with that?
Mari: Find a girlfriend who loves opera and is also kind of dumb?
Sweeney: Jake is terse and as she goes to leave he says he does care about her and that’s why he finds her love for Ezra confusing. Aria asks what he means by that because she thinks it’s completely natural for high school teachers to date their students. She presses and Jake confesses to the harassment he Ezra engaging in earlier. He only saw that it was “some blonde woman” and Aria insists that Ezra was definitely in Philly all day. Jake says he’s always wondered if her creepy older boyfriend was the one she was afraid of. She swears she’s not and Jake says maybe she should be. Jake doesn’t argue, he just tells her to do herself a favor and keep her eyes open.
Ashley explains that the place where they are – a place where people throw plates at walls? Is this a thing? – was recommended to her by a friend when her husband first left her. Hanna is reluctant at first but then relents as girl power music kicks in. I am intrigued by this idea and a full supporter. Where can I find an establishment like this? What am I supposed to Google?
Mari: I started with “plate smashing” and Google quickly added the “therapy” which is apparently a thing.
Sweeney: Snark HQ’s Googling Department is strong.
Pedopad. Ezra comes home to find Aria sitting on his couch, asking about Philly and how he came in on the last train. Aria says that Jake saw him screaming at some woman outside The Grill. Ezra’s got, “Oh shit,” face but he thinks quickly and insists that he was having secret meetings with his lawyer and Maggie’s lawyer about being able to see Malcolm. He (LIES) says that he only lied to her about it because he wanted to keep from upsetting her. He also insists WITH TOTAL CRAZY EYES that there was super totally not anything violent. Aria says that this will only work if they’re honest and blah blahs about choosing her statutory rapist teacher.
Shana drives Emily to the shady meeting spot and immediately drives off, leading Emily to go alone. Without a ride. Rude. Emily does look super cute. Those high heel boots are probably not your best bet if you have to make a run for it, though. There’s lots of ominous music before Emily does ultimately see Ali. They hug and Ali says it’s been so hard to stay away. She doesn’t want to go to the cops or her parents or even the other girls because she doesn’t know who she can trust. Ali says that she regrets hurting Emily. She wants to find out who A is so that she can come home. They hear a noise and Ali freaks out and runs to an elevator. The noise is just Spencer, but Ali’s already gone, leaving Emily frantically calling out that she just wants to talk.
After a Not Break, Emily yells at Spencer for scaring Ali off. Spencer quickly counters that Ali’s still playing games – she singled Emily out in an effort to divide the girls. Spencer begs her not to let Ali come between them but Emily says this is all Spencer because Ali was super totally sincere. Emily crazies in her rage, storming out. Not sure how she’s getting home since her ride ditched her.
Mari: And those are not walking shoes. Better calm down the rage and ask for a ride.
Sweeney: Plate Smashing Palace. Ashley goes to buy another stack of plates to destroy and Hanna thanks her for this A+ parenting.
Toby’s Apartment. Spencer returns to find Toby sitting sadly. He says that he signed the document before he got Spencer’s message but it doesn’t matter. He and his father agreed that they’re going to just put the whole thing behind them and now that he knows his mother didn’t kill herself that’s all there is to it. Spencer tries to argue that there’s more to the cover up, but he tells her to stop because it’s over and than dramatically goes upstairs for emphasis as a feelsy broken hearted slow jam starts playing.
That carries us to Marin Manor where Hanna’s sitting at her desk introspectively staring down her phone. She calls Caleb and leaves a voice mail saying that she’s been replaying the last few weeks trying to figure out when she lost him and if she could have prevented it. She’s mostly just calling to let him know it was the best year of her life. REALLY, GIRL? I’m not denying that there’s a lot of things in this world that could be safely offset by some quality time with that Wolfy Bad Boy, but I’m not sure he’s even enough to balance out all of this high level stalking, murder-framing, attempted murdering, cars-thrown-at-you mess. Like, maybe one year with Caleb in exchange for the Adam Lambert Train or some other 1:1 ratio like that. This 89:1 situation just doesn’t compute. The math doesn’t check out.
Mari: Clearly, plate smashing therapy leads you to very wrong conclusions.
Sweeney: Pedopad. Ezra comes home to find that his baby girlfriend has made him chocolate cake. They ruin chocolate by feeding it to each other. Worst.
Jake punches things. He does a big impressive high kick but gets stabbed in the foot. He gets up to find his bag has been FILLED WITH KNIVES. We cut from that to the beginning of more gross statutory rape sexy times. Ew forever.
Mari: I HATE Ezra so much. Have I mentioned how high he is on my most hated character lists because anytime I see his stupid face, it feels like Christian Grey/Spike levels of hate. I can’t believe they put him on my screen with chocolate.
Sweeney: The last couple episodes I hated him with a little less of the old ferocity because I was so pleased to watch the show recognize him for the creep he is, but now that he’s back to fucking minors and ruining chocolate, the old hatefire burns bright as ever.
A-nonymous. A creeps into Rosewood high and finds a childhood photo of two little girls who I guess are Ali and Shana. A tears the photo in half and lights the Shana piece on fire.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Spencer never wants to sleep in S04 E17 – Bite Your Tongue.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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