Previously: Dawson and Eve got busted by the entire school while almost-boffing in the middle of a pep rally, and it was gross. Also, Pacey broke up with Andie McCheaterpants, and we had a lot of feels.
—
None of the Above
Kirsti: Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson’s plans for a get-to-know-you movie night with Eve have gone awry because a) she prefers TV and b) she’s taken over said TV and is making him watch Felicity. I laugh for approximately a hundred years over his “HOW CAN YOU PREFER TV?!?!?!” reaction. She says TV is the same thing but “shorter and with built in bathroom breaks” and she’s not at all wrong. Dawson scoffs some more, particularly when she says it’s like getting a new sequel every week, because “Sequels I hate on principle“. Ugh. Go fuck yourself, Dawson Leery. I’ll just be over here with Captain America: The Winter Soldier, shitting all over your arguments.
He moves on to berating Felicity and ripping apart her character. “She’s you,” Eve replies and I laugh for another hundred years.
Democracy Diva: As do I. I didn’t watch Felicity, but it definitely exists in my headcanon as “female Dawson’s Creek,” so I’m glad that holds up.
K: I didn’t watch it either, but I accept this headcanon. Dawson makes this face, which doesn’t help the laughter:
“Oh shit, she’s right”
He wibbles some more about how unrealistic TV is, particularly the part where no one ever screws up, and she says that’s where she comes in. She straddles him and pushes him down on the bed, and ew ew ew ew ew. Although it’s made oddly hilarious by the fact that my favourite person, the set dresser, has placed a framed photo of Steven Spielberg in the background:
Thank you, set dresser.
Diva: I couldn’t help but notice this too. Set dresser FTW!
K: Easily my favourite person involved in this show. EASILY.
Dawson makes comment about how TV always cuts to commercial at the best part, and that throws us to the credits.
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
After the credits, Joey wakes with a start and runs to school in a panic to find that everyone else is already sitting the PSATs. She bangs on the door, trying to get Dawson’s attention but he doesn’t hear her. Her alarm rings for real, and she sighs. Elsewhere, Andie’s watching the news while doing sit ups and going through PSAT flashcards. She reels off synonyms as she does sit ups, and I continue to be relieved that I never had to sit an exam that involved memorising synonyms and antonyms because WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. (D: I took the PSAT, and I guess synonyms and antonyms were important, but I definitely didn’t just memorize every word in the universe like Andie does here.) We cut to Jen and Jack going through the same synonym/antonym routine. She’s a lot faster at it than he is. Jack voiceovers synonyms of “nonchalant” while the zoomy cameraman shows us that Pacey’s still asleep in bed.
At school, for some reason the principal is leading the PSAT prep?? IDEK. He runs them through more synonyms and antonyms, and when he calls on Dawson, he gets a spiel about how the PSATs are a “culturally biased weapon against the poor and disenfranchised.” Okay, STFU, you rich white boy. (D: Amen. Don’t use racism and classism as an excuse for, you know, you being too busy having wet dreams about Eve to want to sit for an exam.) Shiny New Principal tells them it’s the only choice if they want to go to college and, as the bell rings, advises them that they have the sample maths test the following day. He asks Joey to hang back a minute as everyone leaves.
In the hall, Pacey bumps into Andie, causing her to drop all her flashcards. They bang heads as they both go to pick up the cards, then have a slightly bitter conversation about their break up to remind us that it happened. He suggests she’s overpreparing, and she snaps that it’s better than not preparing at all, and accuses him of throwing away everything she helped him do academically last season before saying that she’s going to stick with her chosen path in life and walking off.
Sadly-Not-Wiggins Library. Shiny New Principal tells Joey that she’s got a chance at a national merit scholarship if she keeps working the way she is. She’s concerned about the pressure it puts her under, because everyone keeps telling her the same thing. Shiny New Principal says he understands and that he wants her to take a night off to relax because he and the faculty know she’ll ace it. I continue to be concerned about the amount of pressure involved in a PRACTICE test.
Diva: This is not just you. I get why it matters a little bit for Joey, because scholarships, but there’s absolutely no reason for the principal to mention that to her before the exam. And it makes even less sense for literally anyone else in the gang to care about this test, except Andie, who cares about all tests.
K: I’m still not sure I understand how a practice test impacts on Joey applying for scholarships, but whatever. If someone wants to explain it to me in the comments, have at it.
Joey heaves a sigh of relief and smiles.
She tracks Dawson down at his locker and requests a night of mindless movie entertainment to take her mind off the test. He’s totally fine with it until he realises she wants to do it that night. Eve walks up, and Dawson awkwards between his past love and his current fling, then invites Joey to go with them. She LOL NOPES and walks away.
Football pitch. Mitch attempts and fails to be Eric Taylor, telling Jack to run some kind of drill I don’t understand. Henry gives Jack a pep talk, which Jack looks relieved about, then he starts running. We’re treated to some awkward inside-a-football-helmet camerawork, then see Jack getting slammed to the ground by a bunch of defenders. I presume. American football makes negative infinity sense to me. (D: Cosign. I’m bad at being American. I was about to congratulate you on using the word “defenders,” because it sounded right to me and I would have just called them “big hulking padded men.”) Anyway, Mitch pulls Jack up and tells him to run the drill again. Jack complains that they’re singling him out, but Mitch insists it’s not homophobia. It’s just New Kid Hazing. Jack runs the drill again and we get more Inside A Helmet Cam cut with slow mo shots of him making it slightly further before being flipped over and landing on his back. Henry rushes up to check he’s okay, and Jack replies that he’s going to hurl.
Cut to Joey at her marina job. She’s actually working while Creeper Boss talks about his creepy fratboy friends. Meanwhile, I can’t help but notice that we’ve had a change of sponsors:
WHAAAAAAT?!
Diva: The greatest thing about this is that I noticed a Pepsi can in a totally different scene, AND ALSO WROTE DOWN IN MY NOTES THAT WE’VE CHANGED SPONSORS! This might be my favorite Snark Lady Mind Meld yet.
K: I’m starting to be a little disturbed about the random insignificant details we notice on this show.
Joey asks for the night off so she can study, and Creeper Boss is all “LOL, PSATs” because apparently he paid someone to sit the test for him. He says she can have the night off, then asks her out. She makes numerous “I have to shave my hands” excuses before asking if she’s allowed to just say no. OH MY GOD DO NOT ASK PERMISSION FOR THAT. Creeper Boss smiles a little sadly and says that it’s fine before walking away.
Diva: Meanwhile, Creeper Boss should just be disgusted with himself for making a 16-year-old girl think that she was in some kind of trouble if she said no to his sexual advances.
K: YUP. So freaking much.
Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson’s on his bed, studying and looking at the window periodically. Eve appears with an apple, because OF FUCKING COURSE they went to a Garden of Eden place with this shit, and he crawls out on the roof to join her, then comments that he’s not sat on the roof since he and Joey were together. This leads to him filling Eve in on the basics of his friendship with Joey, and she wistfully says that she had a boy next door too. Except it was her dad’s commanding officer in the army. Dawson and I make equally disgusted faces. She changes the subject and pulls out a fat A4 envelope. She tells him it contains an advanced copy of the PSAT, and when he’s all “Ew, I’m not going to cheat on this practice test!”, she tells him not to be so selfish because surely he can think of someone he knows who could use it. Dawson looks thoughtful and we fade to black.
Diva: Worst part of this scene: Eve actually says, “The apple was a metaphor.” Believe it or not, Eve, we actually figured that out on our own! I was about to add the “I hate this fictional character so hard” tag, but obviously Kirsti already did that. BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE THE WORST.
K: I love it when the writers hit us over the head with the Look-Did-You-See-What-We-Did-There Stick.
Sadly-Not-Wiggins Library, the next day. The gang stand around a table, staring at the envelope. They’re all “WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT FROM??” horrified until Joey joins the dots and says “Once again, Dawson Leery proves the groin is mightier than the brain.” LOL. Jen points out that it could be a joke, and Pacey grabs the envelope to find out. Andie promptly accuses him of returning to academic mediocrity, and he replies that she should open it because cheating is totally her thing now. Jack tells Dawson to get rid of it, while Jen wants to just peek. Joey says it’s wrong and also the PSATs aren’t even compulsory. Dawson pushes the envelope towards her, suggesting it’ll help her secure that scholarship. Jen pushes it towards Jack, who pushes it towards Andie, who pushes it towards Pacey, who pushes it back to Dawson, each of them offering a vaguely legit reason as they push it. Dawson finishes by saying they could all use it.
Just then, Shiny New Principal walks in to oversee the practice maths section. Dawson flips the envelope over, hiding the logo, and looks awkward. As SNP reaches their table, the fire alarm goes. He tells the class to evacuate, leaving everything where it is. Dawson tries to loiter so he can take/hide the envelope, but SNP is all “DUDE. NOW.” He leaves reluctantly and we pan down to the envelope sitting on the desk. He follows the rest of the class out to the front of the school and stands there, brooding.
Cut to them filing back into the library later. The envelope is gone and Dawson panics. (D: That’s why you shouldn’t have brought it to school in the first place, doofus. Couldn’t all of this have just happened in someone’s house?) (K: SERIOUSLY) They all bicker about who took it, then stop and look shifty when SNP approaches. It sounds like he’s going to accuse them of something, but just says that they need to break up their conversation and take the practice test. They continue looking shifty, because reasons.
At work later, Joey’s zoned out while filling the petrol tank on a boat. It’s overflowing everywhere. Creeper Boss rushes up and apologises to the boat owner, telling him the fuel is on the house. Then he pulls Joey aside and tells her he’ll be taking the cost of the fuel from her pay cheque and that her night off is cancelled. RUDE. She snaps that this isn’t about her screwing up, it’s about her rejecting his offer of a date. He claims to not know what she’s talking about, but he smirks as he walks away.
Chez Grams. Jen’s helping Jack strap his ribs, and he says he’s going to quit the team the following day because he can’t take the pummelling any more. She tries to reverse psychology him, and when that fails, she tells him that he caught the ball for a reason and maybe it’s to be an openly gay football player who inspires other kids to come to terms with who they are, or maybe just to help the team win something for a change. He eyerolls, and she tightens his bandages so that he yelps, then grins and walks away.
Sadly-Not-Wiggins Library that night. Dawson feverishly searches under tables by torchlight as Eve sits by the window, insisting with a chuckle that he’s wasting his time. They hear someone coming and hide under a table. A security guard walks through the library, passing right in front of them but not hearing their normal-speaking-voice-level conversation. (D: I hate this. How hard would it be to have them shut the fuck up when he’s right in front of them? NOT THAT HARD, SHOW.) The guard leaves, and Eve is all “The test didn’t vanish, you idiot, someone took it”. And clearly, it was someone who knew what was in the envelope, which narrows it down from the entire year level to Dawson’s only friends. The zoomy cameraman zooms in on Dawson as realisation crosses his face, and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Shiny New Principal is screaming at the gang in his office. He tells them that someone better confess, or they’ll all be expelled. Joey stands up, walks over to the fire alarm, and pulls it with a smile. She wakes from another stress-inducing dream. Cut to Capeside High for real. The gang gather in the Sadly Not Wiggins Library, and I can’t help but notice they’re looking very single-colour-palette-y:
Diva: Truth. They’re fifty shades of moody awkward 90s shirts.
K: If I thought that would crop up again, I’d totally make it a tag.
Anyway, Dawson says that whoever took the test should give it back. Joey says it was already stolen so there’s no harm in letting it be lost. She also blames Eve for the whole situation, and Dawson insists it’s nothing to do with her. They bicker back and forth and blah blah blah I have no fucks to give. Dawson finishes by telling the gang that he’ll leave his locker unlocked and he expects the test to be back in there by 5.30 because it’s the right thing to do.
Out in the hall, Andie asks Pacey for a minute and leads him into a classroom. She presents him with a box of stuff, and it’s full of the presents he gave her and the stuff he left at her house. He’s shocked, and Andie says she’s just trying to keep her life in order and her plan on track. Pacey holds up a framed photo of the two of them and asks if she doesn’t want to keep the memories. “Especially not those,” she replies. Ouch, my heart. She walks away, leaving Pacey with his box of sadness.
On the football pitch, Henry’s helping Jack run drills. He says Jack needs a mantra to chant when he’s about to be run over by 250lb linebackers because it will stop him from thinking and help him get his head in the game.
I swear, everything I know about this movie is because of Tumblr.
Diva: A+ GIFFAGE. It’s always a good time for a High School Musical gif.
K: Jack wants to know why Henry’s helping him, and Henry says there are two reasons: 1. He really wants to win a football game, and Jack’s the key to that happening. And 2. He wants Jack to set him up with Jen, who’s apparently his dream woman. Except he starts off by being all “you’re gay, right?” and when this episode first aired, I remember being all “Wait, are they setting up a football boyfriends storyline?!”. But no. (D: Sad, because I ship Henry and Jack SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.) It’s just misdirection for Quarterback Crushes On Head Cheerleader predictability. Except for the part where the quarterback is 15 years old. But whatever. Jack cracks up. He’s all “Awwww, you’re such a cute little puppy. Never going to happen” and chuckles as he walks away. Henry sad pandas.
Marina. Joey’s trying to study when the service bell rings outside. She heads out there to find a drunken Pacey hitting the bell repeatedly and grinning inanely. She’s pissed but Pacey says he’s a legitimate customer in need of fuel so he can start a bonfire. Said bonfire consists of his box of sadness. Then he trips over and the box falls in the water.
Womp womp. (D: Well, at least that saved him a dumb and potentially quite dangerous bonfire.) (K: TRUE) Pacey rolls onto his back and asks Joey to phone his dad and say that he’s hanging out there for a while because he probably shouldn’t go home. She smiles at him a little sadly, pats his hand, and goes off to make the call. Pacey spots the framed photo of him and Andie on the edge of the dock and reaches towards it. But he knocks it into the water too, and watches sadly as it sinks down out of reach.
Diva: And then Eve ran into the scene to point at the picture and say “LOOK, IT’S A METAPHOR!” (No, she didn’t, but I’ve had it with this show.)
K: Legit, girl. Legit.
Capeside High. Eve thinks Dawson’s totally cute for assuming someone will have done the right thing. He insists he’s going to prove her wrong. But he opens his locker and there’s no test inside. Dawson looks a little betrayed, but Eve says she can help him find the culprit. Essentially, whoever he was disappointed in when he saw there was no test inside is totally the culprit. He replies that it’s not that simple, but she tells him it really is because in the real world, “the first person to stab you in the back is your best friend“. Um. What?! In the words of Buffy Summers, your logic is not like our earth logic.
Marina. Joey’s asleep on her prep books. Pacey’s moping outside when Dawson and his white boy rage turn up. He’s disgusted that Pacey’s been drinking the night before the biggest practice exam of their lives, and demands the test back. Pacey says he doesn’t have it, but he wishes he did. “Pacey, we’ve been friends for sixteen years and I’m not stupid,” Dawson replies because HE IS THE FUCKING WORST FRIEND ON THE PLANET. Pacey’s incredulous, and staggers about the dock telling Dawson that his idea of friendship is totally fucked up and also Dawson’s moral code is clearly fucked up too because he didn’t refuse to take the test or throw it away, he presented it to everyone.
Dawson insists that he wanted to consult everyone about what to do, and he never thought anyone would stoop so low as to steal it. Pacey calls him a “self-righteous son of a bitch“, (D: FINALLY!) Dawson throws insults about Pacey dumping Andie, Pacey throws some back about Dawson getting Mr Potter sent to prison, and Dawson says at least he didn’t send Joey to the asylum. Pacey snaps and punches Dawson IN THE FACE! Dawson returns the favour and Pacey falls to the ground. Joey runs outside and is all “DUDE, THE FUCK?!?!” to Dawson. She rushes to Pacey’s side and glares at Dawson as we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, we get further evidence of the change of sponsorship when Joey offers Pacey a can of Pepsi in place of ice for his cut lip. (D: This is where I noticed it. #mindmeld) He asks her when it’s time to start believing the general you’re-a-loser consensus about yourself, and she looks him in the eye as she replies “When it’s right“. It’s a pretty cute moment. He asks her to tell Dawson that he didn’t take the test, and she insists that Dawson’s still his friend and is probably regretting his actions already. They bicker back and forth a bit before Pacey asks who she thinks took the test. Joey replies that sometimes you’re better off not knowing things. He asks how his busted lip looks and she replies “On your face? Any reconstructive surgery whatsoever is a definite improvement“.
Leery Manor. Dawson’s outside sulking and nursing a black eye when Eve turns up. She asks what happened, and he essentially says that she’s to blame. She insists that everyone is a criminal and only the stupid ones get caught. He’s all “The fuck?” and goes to leave. She grabs his arm, saying that being attracted to someone so flawed is probably terrifying him. She goes to kiss him, but he tells her to stay the fuck away from him and walks away. Eve looks surprised.
Cut to the Sadly-Not-Wiggins Library. Shiny New Principal is running through the rules of the PSATs. He picks up the stop watch to tell them they can start, but Dawson stands, turns in his test and leaves. Pacey stands up and does the same. He and Joey smile at each other as he leaves. Outside the school, Pacey and Dawson mend their bridges and Dawson says they should only ever beat the crap out of each other over a girl. HAHAHAHAHA, NO. I HATE YOU SO FUCKING HARD, DAWSON LEERY. They bro off into the distance.
Okay, this was just stupid. I don’t buy for a second that Dawson the Sanctimonious would take a stolen test in the first place. I didn’t really care about Jack’s budding football career. I’m already sick of Eve and we’re only three episodes in. It was never going to be Pacey who stole the test, simply because he’s the obvious choice. And it was obviously going to be Andie because we established in the previous episode that she’s a cheater, and once a cheater always a cheater, apparently.
Diva: This episode was predicated on the idea that all of these stakes – Dawson and Eve’s “relationship,” Jack’s football career, and the PSAT – were SO HIGH. And so it was even more a resounding failure of an episode than usual, because I gave no shits about any of this. Like, even fewer shits than usual.
K: And lo, the Snark Ladies agreed – zero shits were given this day.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
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