Previously: A left a message on Hanna’s tooth.
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Hot for Teacher
Marines: Alison is in a phone booth saying very vague things that are both boring and difficult to recap. We cut to Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop, where Shana is in a little… phone booth closet? For using cell phones? (S: This is both absurd and exactly the sort of hipster retro bullshit I could see being a real and actual thing at a place like One Coffee Shop.) She watches all the Liars arrive and tells Alison as much. Alison asks Shana for assurance that she can get “it,” but Shana has to go because the Liars all turn toward her and are just going to stand there at stare at her, I guess. Spencer asks if they can trust her now and Emily uses the non-human logic that if Ali trusts Shana they should too. That’s cool except for the part where Ali is certifiable. BUT OKAY. Hanna says Shana has too many faces to trust or keep track of.
SHHHHH.
The Liars all have their coffee now. Emily says that her dad will be okay and she doesn’t think Shana was the one who scared them during her Darkened School Extra-Curriculars. Um, why would they think that was Shana? Did I miss something? I’m already confused and it’s two minutes in. (J: Par for the course.) Emily reminds the Liars that A is a dude. Emily reminds them of that time that Shana was sneaking around Wren’s apartment, shipping boxes to Melissa. We all know if you ship boxes, it’s only a hop, skip and jump to being a stalker-apprentice.
Sweeney: Shovels. Boxes. We’re going to need to keep a running list of Suspicious Objects.
Mari: Spencer still has a smidge of the coma make-up and she’s jittery as she asks questions about why Emily was in school (to make copies for the play she’s helping Ezra with) and if Aria can ask him about it. Aria’s all, “NO. WHAT? WHY? I’M NOT IN A PEDOLATIONSHIP.” (J: Smooth, girl. They totally bought it.) Hanna doesn’t want to investigate this anyway because of her tooth trauma. She grabs Spencer’s drink away from her, saying she’s over-caffeinated. Spencer says they are all a little tense and Hanna shouts that she’s the tensest tense that ever tensed because of that one time, with the tooth trauma. Dude, if I were in Hanna’s situation, I would never stop mentioning that either. “No, I can’t help you move this weekend. HELLO? SOMEONE LEFT A MESSAGE IN MY TOOTH.”
Jessica: Tooth trauma totally trumps your other trauma!
Mari: For some reason, the girls all have to keep trying to help Ali or else A is going to eat her, or whatever, but Hanna doesn’t want to. She wants to wait and see if Ali contacts them. Spencer agrees to this and then AWOLNATION’s “Sail” takes us straight to the Hastings’ House where Spencer pops a pill, puts her hair up and starts some serious business Google Searching of Ezra Fitz. If this didn’t come with some drug abuse, it would be my favorite forever.
Mari: As it is, Spencer is surprised when she works through the whole night. She texts Andrew to see if she can get more pills but he says he’s all out. Plan B: Spencer calls a doctor and pretends to be her mother.
Rosewood High for Early Morning Meet Pukes. (S: A+) Ezra casually mentions that the PedoLodge was broken into so he has to go up there and check it out. He invites Aria, but she doesn’t want to leave Mike alone for the weekend. Ezra gives her a guilt trip about how he thought they were going to get to use the PedoLodge and how he wants to spend time alone with her. Aria gives in, abandons her concern for her brother, and gives into her authority figure–I MEAN BOYFRIEND.
Hanna is parked outside of the LOLPD station collecting back some property that was seized as evidence, including some shoes she’s way happy about. Detective Holbrook asks how that Book Recommendation for the Purpose of Leading Her to the Dentist went, and Hanna says she’s over mysteries. (Because tooth trauma.) She offers to give all her books to Holbrook, but he’s too busy trying to hunt down CeCe Drake. He goes through a list of things he has to investigate and follow-up on and says that it’s the little details that are most important. This gives Hanna think-y face.
Jessica: Is Detective Holbrook secretly trying to train and recruit Hanna for the LOLPD??
Mari: I actually have no idea what’s happening.
Aquatic Center. Emily is waiting for Shana to ask if she was talking to Ali in the cell phone booth at One Coffee Shop. Shana snits at her for ruining her chance to talk to Ali. Emily wants Shana to pass a message to Ali that she’s sorry and Shana says she’ll see what she can do. I want to start answering basic requests this way. “Mari, can you come over here?” “I’ll see what I can do.” (S: Aaand a 1430. Let me know how this goes over at work.)
Rosewood High for Selective Attendance. Aria and Hanna are walking and talking about Spencer being super jittery the night before. Aria thinks this is normal Spencer behavior, but Hanan had her plot relevant scene with Gabe, see, and she’s noticing the little details like he said. Aria is shocked when Hanna calls Holbrook “Gabe” and wonders why they are suddenly on a first name basis. Hanna brushes it off as a kind-of-book-club and insists that Spencer is acting weird. She wants to spend some time with Spencer that weekend, trying to talk her out of pissing off A with her investigations. Aria says she has to shave her hands (“visit her dad at Syracuse”).
Jessica: ARIA! You of all people aren’t allowed to talk shit about people chatting up older dudes. Seriously.
Mari: Once Hanna leaves, Aria spots Hunky Counselor comforting a crying girl.
Out in the courtyard, Spencer is walking slowly and looking intently at people. She spots a student popping a pill. She follows this student and we cut inside the school where Spencer asks her if she can spare two pills. She ups it to five and Brenda tells her it’s $50. Spencer was hoping they would be more like free, but Brenda is all, “LOL. No.” Spencer forks over the money.
In the hall, Ezra stops Spencer because her most recent essay was sub-par. In fact she copied a portion of it from Wikipeida. He says really creepy and cryptic (creeptic?) things about how he knows what she’s up to and how sloppy work leads to consequences and he’d hate to see her suffer. Spencer walks away from him.
Aria goes to see Hunky Counselor. She admits to him that she is angry, but that it isn’t at Mike. She’s angry at herself.
Hastings House. Spencer is still busy doing her Not Remotely Questionable Google Searching. (S: THE MOST LEGIT GOOGLE SEARCHING EVER ON TV.) Hanna calls because she’s outside with Emily. Spencer lies that she walked to the library and doesn’t commit to meeting up with them later. She searches ‘Ezra Fitzgerald Ravenswood PA’ and whatever pops up gives her Big Eyes.
Rosewood High Counseling.
Emily and Hanna are still parked outside of Spencer’s house. While spying on their friend, they happen to see Shana leaving the DiLaurentis house. Emily is sure Shana was talking to Alison in the cell phone booth (even though Shana was doing nothing except standing there and talking on her cell phone), so it’s really fishy that now Shana’s reached out to Mrs. D. Emily thinks they should follow Shana but Hanna is staying firm by that tooth warning from A, and doesn’t want to investigate anything. I mean, except her own friends. She decides to get out of there and Emily is bummed.
Ezra is going through student files and locates Spencer’s. He sees that it’s noted that she is taking medication for ADHD. Hunky Counselor walks in on him and Ezra plays it cool. He’s all, “oh, Hunky Counselor? We haven’t met yet.” (J: Best.) Ezra says he was just pulling a file on a senior who is giving him some trouble. Hunky Counselor suggests getting her to talk. Ezra asks if students really talk to him. Hunky Counselor refrains from saying, “DUH” and leaves. Ezra puts Spencer’s file in his bag.
Fields House. Shana visits Emily because she needs her help. They can’t talk outside, though, and it isn’t even paranoia because someone is across the street taking picture of them. Upstairs, Emily wants to ask Shana some questions first. Shana says she dated Paige before she knew her connection to Emily. When she figured it out, she just kept pushing Emily’s buttons to get information on her. Not spying, per se, but “taking a look around.” Shana was packing stuff for Wren because he put an ad out asking someone to send some boxes of his stuff to him. Finally, Shana was in the DiLaurentis house because Alison wants some poster from her room. Shana wasn’t able to get it and wants Emily’s help.
Spencer is still up. On her laptop is a listing for an apartment in Ravenswood. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be significant because of the PLL Amnesia I suffer. Spencer calls Aria and leaves a message saying that she has to tell Aria something.
PedoLodge. Aria is already up when Ezra comes out of the bedroom because she didn’t sleep well. She tells Ezra to take her home because she’s tired of having to lie to everyone in her life because of her relationship. Ezra asks her if maybe it’s a good thing that she feels torn from her friends. I think my ears visibly perked up. Ezra continues reading from the Abusive Boyfriend’s Handbook, Chapter 1, by telling her that growing away from her friends means getting closer to him. If they are going to have a relationship that lasts, he needs to be the most important thing in her life forever and always. Ezra switches gears into reverse psychology and says that maybe this was a bad idea, bringing her up there and starting over. He apologizes for putting pressure on her, detracting from the fact that he just lectured her when she made her feelings on the issue noted, and then Aria tells him that she wants this to work.
I REALLY HATE THIS RELATIONSHIP, SO MUCH. I HATE YOU, ABC FAMILY.
Jessica: AGREED. I had so much rage about this that I couldn’t even think of a 30 Rock quote or any kind of pop culture reference to express myself, which is rare. This. Is. Bullshit.
Sweeney: Bullshit game so strong it has robbed us of all of our usual defenses. Crippling bullshit game.
Mari: Hanna runs into Spencer in town. Spencer tries to avoid her and Hanna calls her a lying liar. Spencer snaps and tells Hanna to leave her alone. Holbrook is on hand to witness all of this for reasons I cannot imagine. He says he thought Spencer was the levelheaded one and Hanna is too worried to give him the requisite, “gee, thanks.”
Emily is searching under Ali’s bed while Mrs. D looks on, claiming she’s lost an earring she borrowed from her mother without asking. Mrs. D offers to go look in the guest bathroom and Emily uses that as her chance to take down the poster Alison mentioned. Em slices open the paper back and finds an envelope stuffed with an address and a wad of cash. Emily replaces the poster, hides the money and pulls an earring out of her pocket. When Mrs. D comes back, she’s all, “found it!”
PedoLodge. Aria returns from taking a walk around the cabin and taking a few pictures. Ezra is cooking and tells her he forgot the chickpeas for the meal. Aria offers to stop by the nearest grocery store, which is an hour drive away. She says it’s no big deal and heads out. Ezra looks in the cupboard and grabs a can of chickpeas out in the creepiest way anyone has ever grabbed chickpeas out of a cupboard. (J: DRAMATIC CHICKPEA REVEAL!) He goes down into his Stalker Basement as his Stalker Soundtrack plays and sits in front of his Stalker Computer looking like this:
He runs through a bunch of pictures of Emily, Hanna and Spencer from throughout this episode, including one of Emily putting the envelope of cash in her bag in broad daylight, which is stupid even if you aren’t getting that money for your undead dead friend. Also, ABC FAMILY I DON’T EVER CARE WHAT YOU TELL ME ABOUT EZRA, EVER, EVER, EVER. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Sweeney: NO BULLSHIT REDEEMING EXCUSE YOU OFFER IS SUFFICIENT TO EXPLAIN THIS BEHAVIOR.
Mari: One Coffee Shop. Emily calls Shana but they can’t meet because she has to work and Shana has a meet. Emily says she has nowhere to hide five grand and immediately after the call puts the envelope of cash in her waitressing smock thing. Which is where I would keep it, because at least I could feel it on me, right? But nooooo, Emily hides it in a brown paper bag and puts it under the counter.
Jessica: Um, I believe it’s actually a bag of coffee that she hides it in. On par with Ashley Marin hiding Free Old Lady Money in a pasta box.
Mari: Do they teach this kind of money hiding in the Rosewood school system?
That night, Hanna calls the Hastings House since Spencer isn’t answering her cell. She asks MariskaMom if she can stop by to collect some nail polish Spencer borrowed and gets the okay.
Shana gets into her car and sees something in her back seat that makes her scream.
Hastings House. Hanna snoops and sees Spencer’s recent Someone Should’ve Done This Sooner Google Searches, including the Ravenswood listing.
Spencer goes to Ezra’s Apartment and almost sneaks into the building, but Hanna catches her.
Spencer tries to quickly tell her everything about Ezra eating pie and drinking beer called Board Shorts Ale, but it all makes Hanna think Spencer is crazy. Spencer challenges her to come do a little B&E with her, then.
Ezra is in his car, dressed in his A gear. He goes through a bunch of surveillance footage from inside the PedoLodge and sees that Aria is sleeping. He opens up a new email and finds pictures of Hanna and Spencer outside of his apartment. Who the hell is taking this pictures? Wait, we covered this. The A-pprentice.
Sweeney: They are legion.
Mari: Hanna is worried that Ezra is going to come home and catch them. Spencer finds the spare key under the welcome mat and almost walks in but Hanna brings up the good point that probably he’s not going to keep the condemning evidence at home. As Spencer thinks about this, she sees the light of a little surveillance camera in the vent across the hall. She tells Hanna she’s right, closes the door and replaces the key. She whispers to Hanna that they are being watched and they walk away.
Back in the PedoLodge, Aria wakes up and finds she’s alone in bed. She calls out to Ezra but gets no answer. She checks out the porch and nothing. When she turns back around, Ezra is behind her her, like a mega-creep. Even the deadpan way he apologizes for scaring her is psychopathic. Aria lightly questions him about where he was when she woke up, but that devolves into taking the temperature of the pedolationship. Aria can kind of tell Ezra isn’t okay, so he deflects that attention by telling her he’s so glad she stayed.
Sweeney: It’s a sibling to the manipukiss.
Mari: And just as creepy!
Hastings House. Spencer and Hanna are filling Emily in on the EzrA theory. They don’t think they should tell Aria until they are 100% sure. Emily tells them about her money in a coffee bag (which survived the work day! Color me surprised…) and how she helped Shana retrieve it. Emily says she never heard from Shana again and the girls worry both that Alison is running out of money and that Ezra got to Shana.
Phonebooth. Alison has really nicely manicured nails for a girl on the run. She calls Shana and we see that she’s knocked out in her car. She comes to and answers. Alison asks if she has the money but Shana is a little out of it. She doesn’t know where she is. She turns on her headlights and sees she’s parked outside of the Rosewood city limits.
Shana says she doesn’t have the money and has to go. She pulls the battery out of her cell phone, dumps it and leaves. Alison is very, very sad. She looks at the little amount of money she has in her wallet and we all commiserate with those feels. With very little recourse left, she buys a bus ticket and is sad.
A-nonymous. A watches Dark Passage (hey, know who likes black and white films??? EZRA.) and opens up a package that has copies of Wren’s prescription pads.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Spencer, Emily and Hanna finds Ali’s diary in Ezra’s desk in S04 E19 – Shadow Play.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
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