The OC S02 E14 – The horse is too important.

Previously: Caleb wanted to adopt Lindsay until Julie went all Maury “you are NOT the father” Povich on him.
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The Rainy Day Women

Catherine: So, before we begin I feel obligated to inform you all that I have never ever seen a single episode of The O.C. before this episode. My only defense is that IMDb tells me that this episode aired in good ol’ 2005 and I was pretty heavily into my emo phase at that point. I think I considered this show to be ‘preppy’ which is a thing that I would’ve shunned. (M: Fair.) (S: But it had so much music you would have loved! Except you wouldn’t have been able to admit to hearing it via an OC Mix. The struggle.)

This episode starts with lots of previouslies. A lot of stuff has happened to these rich blonde people, you guys. A lot. Of stuff. Namely, something about a DNA test and this 30 year old woman is gonna get adopted? What? She’s clearly 30.

The episode opens with rain falling over the ocean to the smooth, dulcet sounds of the Blind Melon song ‘No Rain’ while a radio broadcaster talks about how, SHOCK, apparently it’s raining in the O.C. WHOA! I did not get that from the 8,000 metaphors and illusions you just shoved into the first 2 seconds so thank you, show.

Sweeney: I loved that opening sequence. The ten years that my mid-western parents spent raising their children in Southern California birthed what is still a favorite joke of my fathers, which is that news stations there get all, “STORMS POUND THE SOUTHLAND!” the second it rains because people are all, “CAN’T’ SEE THE SUN. APOCALYPSE IMMINENT.” So, yeah, this is one of the more true-to-life depictions on the show.

Catherine: I literally can’t even imagine what that’s like. No rain? I suppose next you’ll tell me something truly silly like there’s also no snow. You silly, goose.

Over to Ryan Atwood and Seth Cohen. Yeah, I looked up their names ’cause I’m hoping I’ll get college credit for this. And because I’ve been told for clarity’s sake to refrain from calling them what I really want to call them, which is Baby Commissioner Gordon and That Guy From Gilmore Girls.

Marines: I had to sit here and internalize for a moment that someone would know Ryan as Baby Commissioner Gordon and not Gordon as Grown-up Ryan Atwood. THE WORLD IS TOPSY TURVY. 

Catherine: I’M JUST KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES, MARI! 

Ryan opens up a curtain in his house and sees that it is raining. He looks, like, weirdly shocked. Does it really rain so seldom in California that the residents are always this surprised by it actually happening?

Mari: We’ll defer to our Californian, but a quick Google search tells me the average yearly rainfall in Newport Beach is 10 inches. To compare, Miami has averaged about 61 inches of rain a year for the last few years. So.

Sweeney: To reiterate the above point, really, truly, they don’t know how to process weather of any non sunshine variety.

Catherine: Seth approaches a window and waves to Ryan, who is in the poolhouse. There’s a second of, “Come on over”, “No, you”, “No. YOU”, because neither of them want to go out in the rain. I mean, I kinda get that. Their early-2000’s poofy hair is probably filled with product.

Mari: Can you imagine that product dripping down your face, falling into your eyes? Terrible.

Catherine: The standoff ends when Seth calls Ryan on a flip phone(!) and tells him he really needs to talk to him. They decide to talk over the phone and I laugh because Seth says he has to talk about something really important but the next words outta his mouth are, “So what’s with this weather?” Both guys whine a bit about how they need to talk to their respective girlfriends. Seth suggests they go together because of the storm and Ryan says that it’s just rain and it can’t hurt them. Seth is all, “Not worse than our women can.” I haven’t met these women but I like them already!

CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!

Kirsten is laying in bed, looking nervous, she pulls down a picture of her and a man on her nightstand and Hey! I know him! That’s Sandy Cohen! He has (M: magnificent) eyebrows!

Sandy asks Kirsten if shes planning on staying in bed all morning and she’s a bit distant and cold to him. She talks about them being like strangers. These two are clearly having problems in their marriage. I’m glad the narrative isn’t too impenetrable for me. They do the cold, loveless, rich people marriage thing a bit more and Sandy’s shorts get a phonecall. I’m sorry, Sandy gets a phonecall. His shorts distracted me for a minute because I think they’re swim trunks? But it’s raining? Does he sleep in those or do they have an indoor pool?

The phonecall is from Rebecca. She says that she was was totes about to leave but no because she wanted to say goodbye. Sandy pleads with her to stay because as long as she does, “They could still have a chance with your case”. Aw man. Case? Is it anything sad? Because I’m gonna feel really bad if it’s something sad and I just used the word ‘totes’ two sentences ago.

Kirsten storms out of them room like the storm that’s storming down above them. It’s raining metaphors.

Mari:

Catherine: Next scene, Marissa Cooper comes into her kitchen to see Julie making bagels (which is what Seth was making in the first scene. Is that a metaphor, too?) (S: This show just has a healthy respect for the deliciousness of bagels.) (I can dig that. Bagels are very versatile.)  Marissa has a friend over, Alex, who is played by Olivia Wilde! What? How Wilde! But she’s got tattoos and purple hair streaks so I’m gonna go ahead and assume she’s a bad girl.

Julie offers Alex some bagels but Alex turns them down and Julie’s all, “That’s very punk rock of you”, because…okay? Sure. Julie keeps banging on about how she used to be a vaguely hot woman in her day and she turns her back and Marissa and Alex start making out behind her! What? I’m actually not that shocked because I already knew about lesbians but I think that the show wants me to be shocked? So I’m gonna pretend.

They stop kissing before Julie turns back around and Alex correctly leaves this house while she’s ahead.

The whole secret!lesbians thing lasts for about .01 second because Marissa just straight up now tells her mother that Alex is her girlfriend. And Julie’s like ‘Haha. Yes. You girls sure are friends! Now, remind me, whose on first?” When it finally sinks in for Julie there is this great THUNDER moment right as her eyes widen. My daughter’s a lesbian! THUNDER!

Sweeney: They really should have set this show in Miami where they could conceivably use plot significant storm noises more often.

Catherine: Cut to Lindsay playing the clarinet when there is a knock on her window and HARK! It’s Ryan Gosling—uh, I mean Atwood. Standing out in the soaking rain like the romantic heros of old. She lets him in and wraps him up in a towel and awww. He is cute, honestly. I see it now.

Mari: Especially when it’s raining? Ryan should move to a place where it rains more.

Sweeney: LIKE MIAMI?

Catherine: LIKE TWILIGHT SAGA, WASHINGTON!  

Ryan’s all, ‘You could’ve let me in a half hour ago’ and Lindsay’s like, “I thought you were Caleb here to drag me to my DNA test.” Like going on the Maury show is so terrible. We’ve all been there.

Ryan notices that Lindsay is all packed to go somewhere and she’s like, “Yeah but I don’t know where,” ’cause she’s a teenager and again, we’ve all been there. I made it halfway to New York once! Before I realized that I had to actually pay for my own food and do my own laundry once I got there.

Mari: I feel like this is the story of my adulthood. I was so excited to be an adult, but NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE LAUNDRY.

Sweeney: But then you get to this place in your life where you tell your friends that your apartment has a washer and dryer in-unit and it’s the epitome of living the high life. I have arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Catherine: But no, Lindsay is planning on going to Chicago because she has real family there. Ryan tries to subtly talk her into staying through usage of deadly puppy dog eyes. God, he’s real cute. What’s happening to me?

Next scene, Rachel Bilson who I think is called, ‘Summer’ is standing in front of the mirror wearing a hideous dress that Julie Andrews made for her out of curtains. (M: A+) She looks all sad face but she’s still super pretty so cry me a river, Summer. Someone knocks on her door and she calls out to Zach but it’s not him it’s Seth Cohen. Remember him? From earlier?

Seth shows up in a Spiderman mask at her bedroom door. Apparently it’s the only ‘protective head gear’ that he owns. And for real, his hair cannot get wet because it is a brillo pad and it will deflate.

Seth notices that Summer is also packed! What is it with these girls and packing? It’s just one rainy day, girls! You don’t have to move! Apparently Summer is gonna be in a wedding, that’s why she’s wearing the prom dress of sadness. Mystery solved. I was biting my nails there, guys.

Seth gets sad that Summer and Zach are really serious and Summer’s says, “Look, Cohen, are we gonna do this again or did you, like actually come here to advance the plot?” I have to imagine there were some chuckles in the writers room there. Seth vamps a bit about him being there to tell her to take a special plug for the outlets but he’s clearly hurting in his lil’ heart. I can tell by his big, soft cow eyes.

Back out in the rain, Sandy is meeting with Rebecca in a diner to discuss her CASE. Which they still don’t actually reference in anyway that’s helpful to me. He wants her to come back to his house with him, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I suspect she did something really bad. Like jaywalking or smoking a cigarette that she lit with a burning American flag. (M: America: you can get shot and killed for less.)

Over at Alex’s place, Marissa shows up all excited ’cause she told her mom about them. Alex is like, ‘Yeah, that’s great wanna stay here?’ I mean, that’s the gist of it before some more kissey times that seem like they were kinda just thrown in to bait the straight boys who want to see two hot girls kissing.

Ryan, who seems to be permanently concerned, takes Lindsay back to her house after the DNA test and they also have some kissy kissy times. While talking about the results of her DNA test. I couldn’t make this up. Lindsay relents a bit on wanting to go to Chicago and says, “I couldn’t be without you”. Aw.

Mari: Yeah, yeah. I’m over these two and this molasses speed plot point. MAKE IT END.

Catherine: Like the black specter of death, Julie Cooper lurks in the corner of Kirsten’s office. She brings her own bad weather with her everywhere she goes. She asks Kristen how long the rain is supposed to last and Kirsten replies that the news said it would be about 24 hours and I LOL because it’s not even a day of rain? Like. It’s not even been a day. Calm down. (S: BUT THEY CAN’T SEE THE SUN, CATHERINE. THE CALIFORNIANS CAN’T SEE THE SUN.)(C: I’m sorry, I’m from the east coast, what is this sun you speak of?) Julie replies, “I don’t think my hair can take it”, about the rain. Okay, Snow’s perspective: I kind of love Julie. She seems ultra fabulous. Like if Karen Walker and Jack Donaghy had a baby it would be her. She’s obviously kind of evil but I’m digging it.

Anyway, Kirsten mentions that her marriage is in trouble and Julie latches onto that like the magnificent gossip vampire that she it. And then she suggests that they break into Caleb’s liquor cabinet and they do. You guys! This is great. They’re all smoking cigars and sipping brandy and talking about snipping off dicks with cigar clippers and all that stuff that we girls secretly do that boys don’t know about.

Kirsten talks a bit about how Sandy is “Currently transporting a fugitive…who used to be his ex-girlfriend” and okay, thank you because that clears some things up for me. Except what Rebecca actually did. DID SHE SPIT ON THE POPE LIKE WHAT DID SHE DO?!

Mari: Not answering you is more fun. I’M SORRY.

Catherine: Julie laments that her daughter is a lesbian and Kirsten’s all “I’m sure it’s just a phase” and ugh. I was just starting to like you two. Now you ruined it. Julie assures Kirsten that she’ll work out her marriage stuff because she and Sandy are apparently “The moral center of the universe”. Mmkay.

Sweeney: IT’S TRUE, THOUGH. (Nobody said it was a particularly admirable universe.)

Catherine: Speaking of, Sandy is driving Rebecca home when they happen upon a contrivance—I mean a closed road. The road is closed till morning because it’s washed out because METAPHOR RAIN. They have to spend the night in a hotel.

Ryan checks up on Seth (Cohen? Remember? From earlier?). Seth is very sad. His genetic sad eyebrows are all low and forbidding like the clouds overhead. He’s listening to Boyz II Men and hiding under a duvet. “Unless I can think of one last, grand romantic gesture, Summer’s gone,” says Seth. And I mean, okay? I thought her having another boyfriend meant she was already gone but…okay.

Ryan remembers that the first time he heard about Summer, he and Seth were sailing and Seth said he’d named his boat after her, “Which I thought was a little weird since you’d never actually talked to her“. I’m starting to get a good picture of what kind of guy Seth is. Seth gets an idea. He doesn’t say what it is but he does say “EU-FREAKING-REKA”, so we KNOW it’s good.

Over in the Summer house, Summer is listening to the exact same song that Seth just was so they must be in love, don’t you see?! Zach actually does show up this time. He marvels at the amount of luggage that Summer is taking on their trip and reminds her that they’re going to be backpacking and staying in hostels and Summer’s like “Ew” and I instantly like her 100% more. Because yeah. Ew. Jesus and Obama invented 5 star hotels for a reason, y’all.

Summer starts to freak about going and why she’s in his sister’s wedding when she barely knows her and Zach’s like, no, it’s cool. Apparently his sister doesn’t have many friends because she’s “Very alienating and severe“. So, this wedding should be super fun. Summer lies about needing a special plug for her hair dryer like Seth said earlier and Zach says he’s already gotten her one. They kiss.

Seth (COHEN?!? He was just in a scene earlier!? Remem–Ah, forget it) shows up at Alex’s place in his Spiderman mask. She somehow knows it’s him before he takes it off. He’s there to beg for his job back. She agrees after some wheedling, but tells him, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Haha. Remember when Tobey Maguire was Spiderman? This show is like a time capsule.

Sweeney: Sometimes it’s a time capsule better left unopened; you were spared Julie Cooper’s velvet tracksuits with words on the butt. 

Catherine:  No! Now I wish I’d gotten here so much sooner! Marissa comes out of the back room all half-asleep and less dressed and that’s how Seth finds out that they’re together. He has a very comedic, “Oh. My. God”, reaction and milks it a bit by being all “This is why you broke up with me” while Alex tries to get him out the door.

     

Over at the Hotel of Marital Infidelity, Sandy and Rebecca are opening up some wine. Seems like a super fucking great idea, good job, idiots. Rebecca skeeves on him a bit about how they’re all alone and no one knows where they are and anything (sexy) could happen. But Sandy’s like, ‘Nah, gonna call my wife’. Four for you, Sandy Cohen!

Sweeney: I’m still mad at him for this entire multi-episode subplot. None for you just yet, Sandy Cohen.

Catherine: Never mind then, none for you Sandy Cohen. Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.  He doesn’t actually call her. He just stands outside in the rain for a bit. Probably while thinking about baseball.

Seth attempts to get his boat back from the guy he sold it to. Only, the guy has made some “modifications” to it. It now features a shark on the front and the words, “Gimme Sex” as the name on the side. I don’t even need to put a joke here do I? This stuff writes itself.

Sandy finally calls Kirsten and tells her he was hoping the road would be open again by now and she says, “Right, the conveniently washed out road”. See? Writes itself. Kirsten seems to open up a bit and tells Sandy to come home. He promises he will.

Cooper Manor: Daytime. Marissa is packing. ALL of these girls are packing what is happening? This has got to be intentional.

Julie comes in and Marissa tells her that she’s moving out. “You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash“. Lol, Marissa. Lol.

These rich kids and their houses that are big enough to fit boats! Seth and Ryan set up the boat (which is really more of a dinghy. Canoe? I don’t know boats guys, sorry) inside the Cohen estate because its raining outside and we all know how much boats hate water.

Seth tells Ryan that their exes (Marissa and Alex) are dating now and they both get super pervy over the thought until Kirsten comes in and kills everyone’s boner with all her logical mom stuff about not bringing a boat into the fucking house. She tells Ryan that Lindsay called and said the tests are back.

Zach and Miri- Uh, Summer, are heading out to the airport when Summer gets a call from Seth. He begs her to come and meet him somewhere. She says no. “Okay, just tell me this. I mean, when you’re with him is it like what we had,” Seth asks before she can hang up. Summer shuts him down with a, “ya know, I can’t remember that far back.” Oh snap. Then she hangs up.

Lindsay, Caleb, Ryan, Kirsten and Lindsay’s mom are sitting tensely in a room, looking like they’re about to find out who the killer is. I can practically hear their hair growing. A doctor comes in and tells them they are a match. Caleb is Lindsay’s father. Lucky that doctor took a dramatic reveal course in med school. Ryan looks concerned. But I can’t tell if that has anything to do with the scene or if that’s just his face. (M: Mostly his face. It’s a broody concerned 92.3% of always.)

Seth is back to sulking while listening to B-B-B-B-Boyz II Men. Ryan comes in again and they talk about Summer. I mean… am I crazy? This just happened 5 minutes ago. This is the same scene. Did I accidentally rewind it? (M: Five minutes ago and forever and ever.) Ryan leaves and Seth is still sulking.

Over in the car of infidelity, Sandy and Rebecca are creeping slowly along in the heavy rain. Rebecca asks if they can “talk about last night”. Sandy kinda shrugs her off. Rebecca asks if what they had meant nothing and Sandy’s like, “No but that was a long time ago and I have a family now, stupid.” He says he has to get back to Newport to make sure his family knows he loves them and then the chimes of ironic fate tinkle somewhere far off because they get into a bit of an accident and have to swerve off the road.

After a not!commercial break, Sandy is helping Rebecca out of the car when the truck driver they almost hit leans out and asks if they’re okay. He mentions calling 911 and Rebecca panics. “I’m gonna chalk last night up to fate,” she says as she trails off like The Roadrunner with a trail of white dust in her wake, “Now my father’s gone and you.” Wait! Did she kill her father? Is that what she did? Did I get it?! (M: No.) (C: DAMMIT!)

Anyway, exit Rebecca, hopefully forever. (S: FINGERS CROSSED.)

At the airport, Summer, Zach and two women who I guess are Zach’s mom and sister are waiting for their flight. I sense something big is about to happen but I don’t know why. My Spidey senses are tingling. Summer gets a call from Seth on her mega cool flip phone but she ignores it. She offers to get anyone a magazine but secretly goes off to check her messages. There’s a message from Seth apologizing and hoping she has a good trip. He impersonates a horse. I’m gonna assume this means something to regular viewers of the show.

Over in Olivia Wilde’s cave,  Alex is watching TV when Marissa comes in and complains about not having enough closet space. Which, obviously? It’s much smaller than Cooper Plaza. Alex mentions stuff about rent and taking out the trash and Marissa pales several shades. Alex can’t believe that them living together is really real and Marissa is clearly already regretting this decision and freaking out a little.

Lindsay is still packing when Ryan stops by. He asks if she told Caleb she was coming and she says no ’cause she’s not. She’s going to Chicago. Ryan’s heartbroken. I can tell because he goes a lil’ bit cross-eyed. But he puts on his brave face and tells her he gets it and they hug.

Next scene, Cohen palace, Seth is…still talking to a horse. He plans to settle down and watch some TV but the satellite is out. “I refuse to be denied this one, small pleasure.” I feel ya, buddy. When my TV goes out I usually just spend that time crying and checking to see if it’s back on every 30 seconds.

Back at the airport, Zach tells Summer that their flight has been delayed and his sister is freaking out. He wants Summer to talk her down. But before she can she spots a little curly haired boy playing with a horse on the ground and OMG WHAT IS THE DEAL with the horse thing? I’m so confused. (S: Better not to worry about it. Also, that kid is Max Braverman from Parenthood!) There’s uplifting romantic slow-mo music and everything. Does she love a horse? Summer gets all teary and admits to Zach that she changed her mind and she can’t go to Italy. Zach sees the horse and gives her a look like, “Oh, I get it.” What the fuck is happening? (S: I am dying right now. Your confusion over the toy horses is my favorite forever.) (Oh sure, mock my pain. I may never look at horses the same way again, I’ll have you know.)

“Truth be told“, he says, “I didn’t think you’d make it past security.” Because of the hair dryer, right?

She apologizes, he says you can’t fight fate and they kiss one last time and she pretty obviously runs out of the airport without bringing her luggage. I mean, I did rewind it this time. She doesn’t seem to have it. She left it there. The horse is too important. (M: Another A+)

Sandy takes a bus back into town where Kirsten is waiting for him. She asks him if it’s over with Rebecca and he says, “I promise you it never started.” They kiss but they’re old so who cares?

Sweeney: I don’t know why the show keeps trying to give them their own well-rounded complete human plots. The olds on a teenager show exist to either (a) be pillars of stability -or- (b) just not understand. Unless this is Rosewood, where we add option (c) be pervy creepasauruses.

Catherine: Back at idiot house, stupid Seth is dumbly climbing onto a roof in the pouring rain to fix the satellite dish. In his Spiderman mask. I can’t. I mean, it’s adorable but this dummy’s gonna die.

Predictably, he falls, but luckily he tied himself around the waist so when he falls he’s just hanging upside down a few feet off the ground. Oh lord. If you don’t see what’s coming right now you have either never seen the first Tobey Maguire Spiderman movie or you just have better things to do with your time than just play guessing games. Either way, god bless you.

Leaving him dangling there, we go over to Marissa and Alex. Marissa was walking Alex to work in the pouring rain because teenage love tries too hard. Alex offers for her to come in and she says she has to get back because the dishes aren’t gonna wash themselves. Marissa, looking a bit conflicted, turns to leave only to see Ryan standing on the dock in the pouring rain, staring out into the ocean because he’s very deep.

I’m gonna be honest, boys standing in the rain are my Kryptonite so I feel this.

Ryan’s obviously still emotional about Lindsay leaving town, Marissa puts her arm around him and it’s sweet even though they’re both risking head colds.

Summer takes a taxi to Cohen house and knocks on the door but no one answers so she goes right on in. She hears Seth calling for help and finds him dangling from the roof like a cute little dork pinata. He asks what she’s doing there and she says, “What do you think, Cohen?” Then she pulls down his Spiderman mask and kisses him.

>    > 

Mari: His mouth hanging open in that 4th gif actually squicks me out. O_0

Catherine:Because it looks like a horse mouth?

Fade to black.

I gotta say, I had a lot of fun watching and reviewing this! Even though it’s hard to know whats a significant plot point and what’s just horse noise when you don’t normally watch the show.

Next time on The OC: The gang spends some time at the mall in S02 15 – The Mallpisode.