Previously: Prue turned a man and Phoebe sweat a lot.
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That Old Black Magic
Marines: We start in nature with two guys who clearly want to be bear-mauled. By that I mostly mean that they are in nature and seeking out a particular cave. Their faces are really dirty and I don’t know why. I guess they rolled most of the way here? Hesitant Dirty Face thinks the cave looks small for a mine shaft, but Stupid Dirty Face is all, “s’whatever. Let’s go in.”
Inside the cave/shaft, they quickly come upon “get the hell out of there” things like cob webs, a skeleton and bats. (S: They’re like, “Oh hey, look, a skeleton.” Totally normal for those to be lying around near cave entrances.) Stupid Dirty Face thinks this is all great and believes the gold they are looking for is in or behind a wall with ominous red markings. He starts chipping at the wall (?) and very soon, smoke pours out of a crack. A minor explosion reveals a red headed lady in the wall. She’s super familiar and… BAM: She played Virginia Bryce on Angel. (S:Ah! I was wondering where she was from.) Virginia has a snake around her neck and is pretty happy to not be on Angel anymore, but she doesn’t yet know she’s on Charmed.
Virginia asks what year it is and where her wand is. The Dirty Faces are confused. Virginia hits them with some magic pixie dust that shrinks them. It is now, that they are tiny and 100% dead, that Stupid Dirty Face suggests they run. Virginia grabs their tiny bodies easily, bad-special-effects carries them over to her snake, and feeds them to it. She then sprinkles the snake with pixie dust and I thought it was going to make the Dirty Faces big in the snake’s belly. I cringed, but alas, my own imagination was doing too much work. All that happens is that the snake TINKLES away in a pixie glow to seek Virginia’s wand.
Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is on a phone call with Prue, who is stalking through Buckland, preparing for some sort of live, televised event. Phoebe is interrupting her because Piper is outside, making out with Dan. NOW, after episodes of pushing Piper to date and worrying about her dry and withered up sex life, Phoebe is worried that Piper is moving too fast. No word why any of this is any of Phoebe’s damn business.
Prue kind of tells Phoebe to mind her own business (all while of course finding what is certainly Virginia’s wand at the auction) so Phoebe hangs up and continues to spy on Piper. Phoebe sees that Piper is headed inside, which is Leo’s cue to TINKLE in. Phoebe acts like a spazz and tries to get him out of there, but he doesn’t leave because they have a witchy-emergency. Piper and Dan walk in giggly and happy and things are awkward.
Stephanie: OH NO. It’s a love triangle episode!
Mari: I AM THE SAHN.
Piper takes Leo aside to tell him he can’t just orb in and out whenever he wants. Things continue to be awkward and no one cares. Point is that Leo is here on business, nothing personal. Dan watches this all a little confused, but then has to leave for a job. Leo tells the girls they have to get moving, no time to talk. Piper demands he explain and it takes him about 20 very calm seconds to explain so he should’ve just done that instead of insisting they had to leave OMG RIGHT NOW. Virginia (Tuatha) is a good-witch-turned-bad who is un-vanquishable and kills good witches. She was tricked into being entombed but dumb luck would have it that she was released. There is a mortal who can defeat her called, “the chosen one.”
Um.
STOP IT SHOW. (For those curious, the Buffy episode that aired the same week as this? “Wild at Heart.“)
Steph: I don’t even like that episode much, but let’s go watch that instead!
Mari: Anyway, the 3Ps job is to protect the Faux-sen One while Virginia’s wand gets to him by whatever magical contrivance.
At Buckland, Prue is being filmed, explaining to an old lady that the wand she bought for $15 at a yard sale could be worth $5,000. This is kind of like Antiques Roadshow, but stupid, I guess. Some jerk with frosted tips INTERRUPTS THE RECORDING to pimp his internet sales operation. Prue can’t guarantee that the item will get sold but Frosted Jerk guarantees Little Old Lady $1,000 for the item. He exchanges a couple of jabs with Prue, but ultimately, Old Lady takes him up on his offer. She writes her address for him and the filming ends.
Frosted Jerk fake-apologizes to Prue for interrupting, but he wanted to give his start-up company some credibility. He humble-brags about a standing job offer he has from Buckland and then excuses himself to get the money to buy the wand. On his way out, Prue telekinesises the Old Lady’s address out of his pocket, you know, for personal gain.
Steph: I usually have little naps during these Prue at Work scenes. but I couldn’t this time for fear of the nightmares I’d have about Frosted Jerk’s hair. Horrifying.
Mari: Definitely the scariest thing we’ve seen yet.
A school, somewhere. Leo points out the Faux-sen one, who is in fact a teenager. A nerdy one too, which we can tell because he gets pushed around by jocks and then performs magic tricks for himself. Piper doesn’t like this one bit, but she so seldom likes anything besides one of her 72.5 boyfriends. Phoebe suggests using magic to get Kyle to come along with them.
She and Piper run after him and are all, “LIKE REAL MAGIC? DO YA?” and Kyle is all, “I have to go shave my hands.” Piper freezes time, Phoebe runs on the other side of him, and time unfreezes. TA-DA! I guess he’s interested now.
Little Old Lady is setting out some tea when the Dusty Snake comes floating in her window and then materializes. She freaks out and grabs the wand to point at it. Virginia materializes next and floats the wand away from Old Lady, promptly turning its evil magic on her. In the hall, Prue hears screams and telekinesises the door open and then flings Virginia away, but Old Lady is already dead. Prue grabs the wand and runs. Virginia isn’t too worried because she’s sure that Prue will seek her out again.
Steph: Virginia’s acting is really bad. Was it this terrible on Angel? Let’s go watch the episode where Wesley pretends to be a vampire and find out!
Mari: One of the few Angel episodes I would agree to watch at this point in my life.
Manor. Piper and Phoebe are trying to delicately explain to Kyle that he is the Faux-sen one and Leo’s all, “UGH, NO TIME. YOU HAVE TO KILL TUATHA.” Kyle is obviously freaked out, even after Phoebe gives her your best, “be your self! destiny and stuff!” speech. Or more so because of. He starts to leave but Prue arrives with the wand, which glows as they pass each other. Prue is confused and there are some extended shots here of everyone giving each other looks. It’s stupid. Kyle grabs the wand and it glows. SO EXCITING.
Steph: He’s really impressed with this, but it’s basically a glorified flashlight.
Mari: They leave Faux-sen downstairs with the magical wand (that seems dumb) while they go to the attic to conference. For the 27th time this episode, Leo explains that Kyle is faux-sen and he must be the one to defeat Virginia. Prue’s all, “nope,” and decides that they 3Ps are going to do it. First, they need to find Virginia.
Jenny comes over and finds Kyle hanging out in the kitchen. He’s still holding the wand so she asks what it is. He says magic and I guess feels something magical? And decides to balance the wand on his fingertip? It does so easily and then begins to spin. Jenny is amazed. Leo breaks it up and suggests that Jenny leave. She leaves the message that Dan needs to talk to Piper (Dan, you sent a message via 12 year old??) and goes.
Cave Shaft. Virginia finds her old spell book and opens it to one to disempower a witch. Needed ingredient: fresh human heart.
We cut to a close up of the Book of Shadows and a scrying spell to find something that is lost.
In the woods, some guy is lost and recording himself, saying he’s separated from his group, running out of food and scared. He then runs into Virginia. He explains that he and a few of his friends were out there making a documentary on the Blair Witch.
Oh, god.
Steph: Somehow, this is all making the last episode seem really good by comparison.
Mari: I deserve for you to rub that in.
The P’s scry for Virginia and find her in the Cave Shaft Woods.
Downstairs, Leo is teaching Kyle to use the magic that comes from… husky whisper… the heart.
Steph: There are many things that bother me about this show. Leo’s delicate whisper-voice is high up on the list.
Mari: Very, very high.
The girls stomp downstairs and say they are off to find Virginia. Leo pulls kind of a Willy Wonka and very dispassionately asks them not to go.
It’s just bad acting, though, not trying to teach rotten kids a lesson. Piper says that it’s just business, nothing personal, but does it with a little narrowed eye and hair flip so we know that it is personal. I really hope our main characters get mauled by an evil witch. Is that wrong?
Steph: No. That would be an excellent way to wrap up the series.
Mari: On their way out, they find Frosted Jerk at the front door, demanding his wand. Next Dan comes up calling for Prue and finally Leo comes in, telling them to wait. Phoebe takes control, having exactly 0 men present, and tells Dan that Piper will call him, Frosted Jerk “no wand,” and Leo to keep working with Kyle just in case. The girls head out the back door and the guys stare at each other awkwardly. “Don’t you have some other house to repair?” Dan asks. “No,” Leo replies smugly. If only, Dan.
Steph: There are always so many details and storylines that never add anything to the episode. What exactly is the purpose of Frosted Jerk? What does he bring to the plot besides really terrifying hair?
Mari: We’ll probably see him again. This was a terrifying hair introduction.
Cave Shaft Woods. The current Stupid Plan involves sending in Prue first, Piper and Phoebe waiting a bit and then going in. To do something. I don’t know what because they don’t have a vanquishing spell or a plan for anything other than entering the cave. BUT OKAY LADIES. Prue walks in and spots all the creepy stuff, now with added ritual altar and fresh human heart. Virginia appears and Prue tries to telekinesis her, but it doesn’t work. Virginia is all, “BWAHAHA. I BOUND YOUR POWERS. Betcha didn’t count on that!” Piper and Phoebe enter and one of them actually says, “betcha didn’t count on her sister witches!” Virginia just throws a little pixie dust at them, causing them to fly back. She then sprinkles the pixie dust on herself, saying she’ll be prepared for three witches next time, and disappears. I wonder how the pixie dust knows what she wants it to do.
After a not!break, Leo is still training Faux-sen, telling him to connect with his destiny and get mad and stuff I tune out. Instead, Faux-sen quits. Leo uses a combination of a guilt trip and riling him up, getting him angry enough to successfully wield the wand. He sends Leo crashing through the window. He orbs back in just as the P’s return, marginally pissed about the hole in their house.
They confess that they weren’t at all successful and wonder AGAIN why they should send Faux-sen in. Leo is all, “OH MY CATS. FOR 53RD TIME, HE IS FAUX-SEN AND ONLY HE CAN DO THIS.” The 3Ps are all, “nah,” and make Kyle scared of facing Virginia. He leaves, ditching the wand as he goes. Prue is suggests looking in the Book of Shadows to find a spell to strip powers themselves and they leave. Piper stays in the room a second longer to give Leo another meaningful look.
The other two filmmakers on the “Blair Witch” thing… I can barely even type this. Sorry. So they are still in Cave Shaft Woods and Virginia finds them. She asks if they are looking for the Blair Witch and we cut away to screams.
Steph: WHAT is this show even doing? This is not how you do a pop culture reference. I’m so embarrassed and I’m not even responsible for any of this.
Mari: THE SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT IS STRONG.
In the cave, Virginia uses the two new hearts to cast more power-stripping spells. She sprinkles some pixie dust on the snake again and tells him to go find her wand.
At the manor, Piper is dabbing her forehead where she cut it. Leo walks in and offers to heal it but she refuses because things get confusing when they are close. They should just stick to doing their job. The Feels Soundtrack starts as Leo says this is his job and heals her.
Leo tells her that Dan will never be able to understand her secret powers the way he can. Piper says that at least she can count on Dan to be there. I still don’t get what their issues are about. Leo said, “I won’t be a white lighter!” Piper said, “NO!” Now, Piper is all, “ugh, you are always white lighting. This is terrible.” Potentially with a side of, “I’m a sex addict, man. I need it on the regular.” IDK IDK IDK.
Steph: I honestly have no idea why they’re fighting either. I’m not sure if a better understanding of their relationship issues would make me care more or less. (I’d probably care the same amount because there’s no lower place to go.)
Mari: Dan and Jenny are driving somewhere, when Jenny spots Faux-sen. She jumps out of the car to join him and he vaguely explains that the 3Ps think he’s someone he’s not. Jenny gives some backwards logic about how Phoebe once said that if something matters to you, then it matters, meaning that they are probably right about who he is. Kyle is all, “YEAH!” and runs back to the manor. I’d make a bigger deal about this making no sense, but while looking for gifs, I found out that this is Jenny’s last episode, because even the writers realized she was dumb. It makes me resent the writers, though, because of EVERYTHING on this show, they looked at JENNY and went, “yeah. That’s dumb.”
Steph: WHAT???? So they force this child upon us with many pointless scenes and then remove her without any explanation? I hate everything.
Mari: Piper is pacing in the parlor when snake dust floats in and the snake materializes. It creeps up on her as Phoebe and Prue come in and announces that to strip powers they need a human heart. Why would that be the kind of thing in the Book of Shadows? Leo comes in and sees the snake. Piper thinks he’s calling her a snake (har har har) until she spots it. She runs away and Prue grabs a poker and stabs it, only causing it to divide and become two snakes. Piper is flinging her hands but the freezing isn’t working. Because their powers aren’t working and while I won’t be fussed to look back, I’m 100% sure this warrants an “again.”
Steph: The action. I’m on the edge of my seat.
Mari: Just then Faux-sen runs in. Leo runs to the wand, throws it at Faux-sen and he yells, “DIE!” The wand glows and the snakes disappear.
Steph: I… just… this is SO BAD.
Mari: After a not!break, the girls are in the kitchen. Phoebe has prepared a potion to induce sleep, one to repel evil and one she claims will put out a fire. It’s really just water, though, and that earns her a look from Prue.
Phoebe thought there was a spell to increase courage but she remembered wrong. Prue looks at the vial of water significantly and says that they are going to have to find a way to help Kyle defeat Virginia without their magic. She grabs the vials and they go out to the living room. Faux-sen thinks he’s ready to face Virginia.
Good, because she shows up. Phoebe throws the sleeping potion at her which does exactly nothing. Virginia throws some pixie dust back at Phoebe which puts her to sleep. Leo runs to her aid, but he falls asleep too, knocking his head on the way down. (S: HAHAHA! My favorite part of the episode!) Virginia next turns Piper and Prue’s legs to Alex Mack Goo. Virginia calls for her wand, which easily floats out of Faux-sen’s hands. Thinking on her feet, Piper suggests Prue hit Faux-sen with the courage potion. I thought Prue had already thought of that since she was eyeing the water vial significantly and the Zoomy Cameraman was doing his thing. But whatever. Prue throws the water vial and even though nothing happens, Kyle seems to believe it.
Piper encourages him to get the wand back. Faux-sen says he wishes for the wand back and this starts a tug-of-war over the wand with both Virginia and Faux-sen looking completely ridiculous. In the end, Faux-sen gets the wand, wishes Virginia gone forever, and she disappears. The Alex Mack Goo goes with her, so Piper is free to move. She runs for Leo and not Phoebe, which is hilarious. (S: MY OTHER FAVORITE PART.)
Leo stirs and Phoebe rolls over and keeps sleeping because it was probably really the power of her nap which just saved the day. Piper asks if Leo’s okay. He’s more than okay; he’s ready for the ill-timed relationshit talk. While he was mystically napping, he realized that Piper deserves whatever she wants, like a normal relationship and regular sex, which he can’t give her. He says that now he knows why witches and whitelighters aren’t supposed to fall in love. He TINKLES away before Piper responds.
Elsewhere, Prue confesses that there was no courage potion and Faux-nes did it all on his own. And now he gets to do whatever he wants and be a super cool awesome dude.
Steph: Remember in Harry Potter, when Harry tricked Ron into thinking he took the Felix Felicis potion and it was way better than this? Let’s go read/watch that!
Mari: P^3. Prue called Frosted Jerk so she could return the wand, even though it’s broken after the vanquishing. Phoebe figures Prue also wants to flirt with Frosted Jerk who is “cute,” which I don’t agree with. (S: Glad I didn’t have to be the one to say it this time. I was starting to feel a little bad about my bland man comments.) Anyway, Prue spots him, returns the wand and tries to hurry away, but Frosted Jerk invites her to have a drink.
Piper waits in a VIP area for Dan, who shows up ready to be dumped. Piper clarifies that it’s over with Leo and she wants to make-out with Dan’s face. So she does all the way to the end credits.
I have NO IDEA why there would be a “chosen one” to defeat ONE WITCH and why if he is bestowed these powers by some higher power, why this higher power couldn’t bestow them on, say, a witch. Or translate them into a spell or anything, anything at all, that would make more sense than a one off, mortal chosen one. Dumb.
Steph: We’ve seen a lot of bad episodes of Charmed, but this was by far one of the worst 40 minutes of television I’ve ever had to sit through. I don’t understand what happened, why it happened, or how this show has 8 seasons. Just HOW?
Next time on Charmed: Phoebe volunteers at a hospital, but probably only so we can get a new demon in S02 E07 – They’re Everywhere.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
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