Previously: The Doctor took Rose far into the future, where she was promptly possessed by Cassandra and also people-cats were growing people lab rats.
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Tooth and Claw
Sara: A group of monks approach a castle and a bald one, the head monk presumably, tells a man that they want the house, and they will be taking it now. The owner is like LOL okay, do you want my wife, too? But Bald Head Monk isn’t kidding around and says that he will take that shit with his fists. He kicks Home Owner to the ground and a fun(ny) fight scene develops as Bald Head Monk orders the other monks to remove their hoods, revealing a group of Not Monks who are actually Ninjas with badass fighting sticks. They fight their way through the entire castle, taking it over. Learning martial arts would be so be worth it if it kept you from having to sign a 30-year mortgage loan.
Marines: A+. As Snark Ladies, I feel like we all have to keep growing up and stuff, but we’ll never quit using TV to imagine ways to stop that from happening.
Kirsti: Truth. Adulthood is a battle, y’all, and we need all the help we can get. Also, I have no idea what it is because I don’t watch one of the shows involved, but there’s some Crossover Magic going on because IMDB informs me that Bald Head Monk was also in Game of Thrones.
Mari: I HADN’T NOTICED UNTIL YOU SAID. HE’S FUN DIP. Aw, man. Don’t mess with that dude. Unless you have dragons.
Sara: All the people from the castle are gathered in the basement and watch as Bald Head Monk wheels in a cage with a blanket covering it. When the man from earlier asks what’s in the cage, the monk only replies, “May God forgive me.” He removes the covering, and while we don’t see what’s inside, we can assume it’s pretty terrifying, as everyone in the basement screams.
TARDIS. The Doctor is preparing Rose for their trip to 1979 by playing the #1 song of the year. After some banging on the TARDIS (not a euphemism), (M: If there isn’t already a fanfic out there called Banging on the TARDIS, there needs to be…) (K: There’s probably one called Banging *IN* the TARDIS at least…) they land in Sheffield and the Doctor quotes some 1979 facts on their way out the door to…. 1879. The Doctor remarks that he wasn’t that far off, but they’ve unfortunately parked right beside the royal guard who demand to know who the Doctor is and why the girl he’s with is so naked. (Rose is wearing overalls, but probably not of overall sadness since it’s an overall/skirt combo.)
Judging by the guard’s Scottish accent, the Doctor deduces that they landed in Scotland and puts on a cute Scottish accent of his own as he explains that he’s been chasing Rose all over the hills.
K: I love it when Tennant gets to use his actual accent.
Sara: I had no idea that was his actual accent, so this makes everything suddenly more adorable.
He tells her to confirm, and she hilariously responds in a Canadian accent about how she’s been oot and aboot. The Doctor just says over his shoulder, “No. Don’t do that.” She tries again, and he reiterates, “No, really don’t. Really.” Hee.
The Doctor introduces himself as Dr. James McCrimmon (M: Classic Who reference…) and provides his magical psychic paper doctorate as proof. A woman’s voice from the carriage in the background tells the guard to let them approach, but he doesn’t think that’s wise. The woman DGAF and tells him again to let them approach. The guard begrudgingly tells them to approach the carriage but show due deference. Of course the Doctor responds with a cute little salute. David Tennant’s mannerisms as the Doctor are truly adorable.
They approach the carriage and see an older woman inside, looking prim and proper. The Doctor introduces her to Rose as Queen Victoria, Empress of India and Defender of the Faith. Also, IMDB tells me she also played a character on the original Who series, so that’s cute.
Mari: SO COOL. Internet says she was offered there role of the Second Doctor’s companion, but she turned it down. Who else was the second Doctor’s companion? Yep. James Mcrimmon.
Sara: Rose introduces herself as well and apologizes for being so naked, but Queen Victoria says she has five daughters so she’s seen it all before. She does, however, want to see the Doctor’s magical psychic paper. After he hands it over, she tells him that he should have told her right away that it marked him as her protector. He’s all, “It says that? Oh, cool, right.”
Mari: We were told that the psychic paper shows people what they want to see. I like that Queen Victoria saw Ten and though, “I want him to protect me.” Yeah, girl. I want him to protect me too. Ahem.
K: Legit, QV. Legit.
Sara: He asks the Queen why she’s traveling on an empty road, and she doesn’t exactly answer, so the Doctor guesses it’s because of an assassination attempt. Rose is surprised that someone would want to kill the Queen, but Victoria coolly responds that she’s used to staring down the barrel of a gun. Sounds like Queen V is a bad bitch. One of the guards informs the Queen that Sir Robert MacLeish’s home is 10 miles away, and they will stay there for the night before continuing on to their destination. Queen V says that the Doctor and his “timorous beastie” can ride along with them, since the area they’re in is known for wolves. She assures them, though, that they’re just children’s stories. MHM.
As the Doctor and Rose walk behind the carriage, they squee over how cool it is that they just met Queen Victoria. Rose wants to hear her say, “We are not amused.” She bets him that she can make Queen V say it, and he takes her up on it. Their friendship is really cute right now. I thought it would take me a long time to warm up to Tennant, but I’m really enjoying these two together.
Mari: I love their friendship and find myself most frustrated by things that get it wrong, like say the lovey dovey eyes last episode or whenever Rose is all, “THE DOCTOR IS MAHN.” But this? This base level of adorable, “we have so much fun together?” So good.
K: Meanwhile, over on Tumblr, this episode is commonly known as “the one where everything screams WE JUST HAD SEX”, and I’m kind of inclined to agree.
Sara: Aw, I was kind of viewing it as a BFFF kind of thing.
As they make it to the castle from the beginning of the episode, a man stands at the window and says to someone we can’t see that he doesn’t want to commit treason. The man who just so happens to be Bald Head Monk, tells him that if he doesn’t do it, his wife will be devoured. I’m glad I gave that guy a nickname! A moment later, the man greets the Queen and we learn that he is Sir Robert, and this is his castle.
The Queen asks after his wife, but he shares that she’s gone to Edinburgh. He continues that she also took the cook, so there’s nothing to eat, and maybe Queen V would be more comfortable staying somewhere else? The Queen does not pay attention to his hints, though, and says that she’s looking forward to staying there, adding a little dig about how “charming” and “rustic” it is. AKA: Your shit is small. She tells Sir Robert that her late husband spoke of the castle often, and she names it Torchwood Estate. (I bet Kirsti is thinking about how this is super relevant if you know the future. I may be a Snow, but I know the word Torchwood is important!)
Mari: BAM. Get it, Snow.
K: We should probably have some Knowing the Future shots now. Because of reasons.
Sara: Before they go inside, Queen Victoria apologizes for the naked girl. The Doctor explains her nakedness with a joke, and Rose tells everyone that he thinks he’s funny, but she is not amused. She directs a question at the Queen, (“What do you think, ma’am?”) but Queen V doesn’t take the bait and instead marches everyone inside. Rose whispers to the Doctor that she was so close. The Queen enters Torchwood Estate, and a guard carries a small box in behind her. The Doctor wonders aloud what’s in the box, and the guard answers him with a big, fat NUNYA, which prompts him to give Rose this adorable face. (I know I keep saying cute and adorable and sweet, but really, David Tennant is just precious.)
K: I could watch him make ridiculous facial expressions for days.
Sara: We pan down to the basement where the people from the beginning of the episode are still gathered. The mysterious person in the cage lifts his finger to his lips to SHH them. Not as good as a Pretty Little Liars SHH though.
Mari: That SHH has kept people from using their words on that show for five seasons. It’s tough to beat.
Sara: Upstairs, the NUNYA box is being placed in a locked safe, and the head guard tells another one to guard it with his life.
In a prettier part of the Estate, the Doctor and Rose follow Queen V into a room with lots of windows and a giant telescope. Sir Robert tells them that his father had the telescope built and basically made it his whole life. The Doctor asks if he can check it out, and Sir Robert okays it. As the Doctor examines it, Robert shares that he wishes now that he had spent more time with his father while he was alive. Interrupting this sweet sentiment, the Doctor hilariously says the telescope is rubbish and doesn’t work properly and is basically shit. He whisperasks Rose if he’s being rude again, and when she responds in the affirmative, quickly switches to, “It’s pretty, very pretty!”
Queen Victoria thinks that the effort put into it should still be respected, and Rose counters that she would think something so fanciful and silly would not amuse Queen V. She keeps stumbling around a way to get the Queen to say she is not amused, but the Queen hilariously just stares at her with a blank expression on her face. She waits a beat and changes the subject. I love Queen Victoria. I want to be her when I grow up.
K: Agreed. But, like, this version and not ACTUAL Queen Victoria who looked increasingly like a bulldog as she aged.
Sara: The Queen says that Sir Robert’s father was a wise man who, while intelligent in sciences and astronomy, also knew all about folklore and fairy tales. Her late husband, Prince Albert, was good friends with him. She says that when Albert heard the tale of the local wolf, he was very interested. Sir Robert thinks that it’s just a tale, but the Doctor wants to hear the story.
Robert begins to share the story, but Bald Head Monk interrupts him to ask if the Queen would like to be seen to her room. (Didn’t even notice him in the background there! Just like a ninja.) (M: A ninja with no mortgage.) Before the Queen leaves the room, she asks them to get some clothes for Rose because she’s tired of her nakedness. “It’s not amusing, is it?” asks Rose, obviously. Queen V gives her that look your mom used to give you when you thought you were being funny, and once she turns around, Rose and the Doctor nudge each other in an adorable, playful manner. On her way out the door, the Queen says that Sir Robert will share the story of the wolf during dinner tonight, since it’s a full moon.
K: LOOK AT THEM. They boinked and nothing can convince me otherwise.
Sara: THEY’RE JUST BEST FRIENDS, KIRSTI, GOSH. (I am in denial over here, apparently.)
As Rose looks through gowns to wear, we cut to a downstairs kitchen where the Monk Ninjas are boiling some kind of plant in pots. They give the guards glasses, and after they take a swig, they pass out. Upstairs, Rose opens an armoir and finds a maid hiding inside. They both startle at the sight of each other. The maid explains about the Monk Ninjas and how they sent the lord and lady of the castle into the basement. Rose says the Doctor can fix it, and the girl (Flora) should come with her, but Flora says that she can’t. Rose promises to help her, so Flora reluctantly goes along. Rose (still in her overalls of overall nakedness) creeps out into the hallway where she finds the passed out guards. Just at that moment, two Monk Ninjas cover the girls’ mouths and carry them off.
Dinner. Everyone is sitting to dinner, except for Rose, but Bald Head Monk lies to the Doctor that his companion wanted to send word that she would be late since she had to change clothes. The Doctor says that he’ll save her some ham, and the Queen jokes that she could probably eat the ham raw since she’s feral and all (a joke the Doctor made earlier). The Captain of the guard fake laughs way too hard, and the Queen scolds him since it wasn’t that funny. She knows that he rarely gets the chance to dine with Queen V and all, but tells him to try to contain his excitement. “I shall contain my wit in case I do you further injury.” She is my favorite person that has ever existed on this show.
Mari: Is it me or would Queen Victoria be an awesome Snark Lady?
K: OH MY GOD, YES. Except for the inevitable racism that would come from adding a 19th century person to the rotation…
Sara: Now that the Captain has been properly chastised, the Doctor encourages Sir Robert to share the werewolf story. The Queen is especially eager to hear the story. Since her husband’s death, she’s found herself much more fascinated with supernatural stories. She speechifies about how ghost stories aren’t scary; they provide hope because then she might know that she could see her husband again one day.
Rose and Flora have been taken down to the basement. The other people there tell Rose not to make a sound, because they were told the man in the cage would slaughter them if they did. Rose is confused because he’s in a cage, a prisoner just like them. They respond that he’s nothing like them because he isn’t mortal. Just then the man’s eyes fly open and they are completely black. Yup, that’s all it would take for me to decide someone was a threat.
Mari: Is that prejudiced? Guys, I think I’m prejudiced against people with no sclera.
K: I mean, all it takes is one episode of Supernatural to learn why people with completely black eyes are bad…
Sara: Dinner. Sir Robert tells the table that the wolf stories go back hundreds of years. Once every full moon, the people can hear howling and livestock are ripped apart. Then once every generation, a child vanishes.
Basement of Don’t Go In There. The man in the cage Rose that his plan is to get to Queen Victoria, so the wolf can flow through her veins. He stops talking, startled because he can see that Rose has the wolf in her, too. (M: Implied Bad Wolf shots?) (K: YES. We’ve been lacking in shots so far this season) Back at dinner, Sir Robert shares that his father was investigating the werewolf thing, and he should have listened to his warnings. As Sir Robert speaks, Bald Head Monk is in the background, chanting in Latin. That is a bad sign 100% of the time. If you’re ever at a dinner party with the Queen and someone starts chanting in Latin, politely excuse yourself and run like hell. (M: A+)
Basement of Don’t Go In There. The werewolf man sees the moonlight and begins to change. As he changes, Rose gets all of the prisoners to start trying to pull the chains out of the walls and release themselves. Upstairs, the Captain has also recognized that Latin chanting is NOT GOOD and has pulled a gun on Bald Head Monk. As everyone tries to figure out what’s going on, Sir Robert apologizes to the Queen but says they have his wife. The Doctor and Robert run out of the room to go find the Rose and Robert’s wife. The bad special effects team morphs the man entirely into the wolf.
K: It’s bad, yes. But it’s still better than what Warner Brothers produced in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which had a budget of $130,000,000 so I’m gonna go ahead and give a round of applause to the BBC special effects team on this one. And hell, even if we’re talking Tramaland werewolves, it’s a million times better than Oz. Or that humans-with-long-nails shit that Supernatural pulled.
Sara: True, true. Points to BBC!
Just as the prisoners all pull the chain from the wall, the Doctor and Robert burst in. Rose greets him with a “Where the HELL have you been?” and the Doctor takes a moment to marvel at how beautiful the wolf is. He ushers everyone out as the wolf breaks free from the cage.
Upstairs, Bald Head Monk has knocked out the Captain and tells the Queen that he wants her throne. She’s like, HA, people are trying to kill me literally all the time, so I’m prepared, and she pulls a handgun out of her purse. He calls her ‘woman’ when he tells her she won’t kill him, and she responds, “The correct form of address is your majesty, BITCH.” She doesn’t say the bitch part, but it’s implied. She shoots.
Everyone downstairs begins to form a plan. Sir Robert sends his wife off to safety with everyone else, so that he can protect the Queen. As one group of people run away, the wolf comes charging down a hallway at the others, who have guns and begin shooting. The shots push the werewolf back and he retreats behind a corner. The other group of people realize that they’ve been locked inside the Estate.
Back at the other end of the hallway, the Doctor urges everyone to retreat upstairs. One man, who really should’ve listened to the Doctor, argues that he’s not going to retreat from one stupid little werewolf. He even walks to the end of the hallway to neener neener about how the wolf crawled off somewhere to die. Which is just in time for the wolf to swipe him up and eat him. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.
K: Literally what my notes say.
Sara: Doctor & co. run upstairs for safety, while the wolf makes his way to the kitchen where Sir Robert’s wife and the others are cowering. The wolf steps in the doorway, sniffs, then turns around and leaves.
Back upstairs, the Queen grabs her mystery NUNYA box and stuffs it into her purse, as the Doctor and Sir Robert find a way out. They try to help her escape through a window, but the Monk Ninjas shoot at them. Well. NOPE. They run up some more stairs, and omg I’m so tired just looking at all those stairs. I would be super dead if I was in this episode. On their way up, they run into the Captain who tells them to run ahead while he does his best to keep the wolf back. He knows it’s a suicide mission, but his main priority is keeping the Queen safe. Aw.
The others have made it to the room they were going for, which is LITERALLY RIGHT DOWN THE HALL. Wtf. Why didn’t the Captain just run with them? Stupid. Anyways, they all stand in the room as the wolf circles around to all the doors. For some reason, he doesn’t try to break through them.
The Doctor and Rose don’t know why the wolf isn’t trying to break in, but they do take a second to be like OMG WEREWOLF THOUGH SO COOL. The Queen wants to know wtf is going on, and Rose says that she bets V is really not amused now. Girl, it is so not the time for that. They fill her in on the werewolf situation.
Kitchen. Sir Robert’s wife notices mistletoe all over the kitchen and smartly deduces that it keeps the wolf away. She orders everyone to collect of it quickly. At the same time, upstairs, the Doctor notes that the doors to their room have mistletoe in them. He assumes the Ninja Monks trained the wolf to stay away from mistletoe as a precaution for themselves. He’s excited to have figured this out, but Sir Robert still isn’t feeling very positive considering they don’t have weapons. The Doctor responds that they’re in a room filled with books. “Books! Best weapons in the world.”
Mari: That line/this gif was made for the Internet. MADE FOR IT.
K: One day I will persuade my boss to paint that quote on the wall of the library. Especially the “Arm yourselves!” part, because I love the idea that knowledge is a weapon. I’m pretty sure Giles would give the Doctor a round of applause for that line.
Sara: The Doctor finds one book that details something falling from the sky and landing right by the Estate. They talk about how it’s important, but I feel really stupid for not following what they’re saying at all so if one of the girls wants to explain that bit, that would be super helpful.
K: Essentially, it’s like the crappy Queller episode of Buffy from season 5. Meteor crashes in the woods, brings alien life with it. Except that instead of bringing a slime monster from Mars to eat crazy people, only one little piece of the alien survived and it’s been inhabiting people over the generations and adapting to humanity.
Sara: Thanks, Kirsti!
The Queen tells Sir Robert that if she dies, she needs him to take care of something valuable for her. She pulls a giant diamond out of her purse, and Rose big eyes over it. The Doctor asks to have a look at it.
Mari: I wonder what would happen if I started thinking that way in meetings.
Sara: He tells the Queen that this house was a trap for her, but maybe there’s a trap inside the trap.The Doctor thinks that Sir Robert’s father and Prince Albert knew what was going on, and so they made a trap inside Torchwood Estate, in order to trap the wolf. Just as he’s coming to this conclusion, the wolf breaks through the glass ceiling and falls into the library. The Doctor & Co. take off running.
With the wolf right on their tails, Rose turns around and screams, staring right at it for no reason whatsoever. Luckily, just as she’s about to get killed, Sir Robert’s wife shows up and throws a pot of the mistletoe water on the wolf, sending him slinking away. All they managed to make was one pot?
K: Surely a squirt bottle would have been a better choice?!
Sara: The Doctor sends everyone to the observatory, where the giant useless telescope is. He tells Sir Robert that these doors are the only ones without mistletoe in them, so that must mean the wolf is supposed to go inside. He says he needs some time to get everything ready, and Sir Robert swears to give him a few minutes. (Probably by getting himself very dead.) He grabs a sword in preparation.
Observatory. The Doctor and Rose start getting the telescope into place, as Sir Robert fights the werewolf outside the door. As they turn a giant wheel, Rose wants to know how they’re going to power it on without electricity and the Doctor gives her a look like, Seriously? Shouldn’t my companion catch on faster than this? Rose realizes he means moonlight, but she’s confused because that’s what a werewolf needs to survive. He responds that humans are 70% water, but they can still drown.
Right as the wolf bursts through the doors, they get the telescope set up and the diamond in place, causing the moonlight beam to hit the werewolf. He is turned back into his human form, floating in the middle of the room. In a human voice, he asks that they make the beam brighter and let him go. As he fades away, we hear a wolf howl.
The Doctor asks if Queen Victoria is okay, as she is looking at a cut on her wrist. She swears that it’s just a splinter and nothing more.
The next morning, Queen V gives both the Doctor and Rose royal titles. Right after, though, she tells them she is NOT AMUSED, and Rose fist pumps while the Doctor makes a cute face about losing the bet. Rose’s smile fades, though, as Queen V tells them that they are banished. She rewarded them for saving her, but she never wants to see them again. She knows that they’re involved with magic, and they think it’s fun, when their world actually seems to be filled with terror and death. She tells them to leave and think about what’s made them stray from good. She finishes with a passionate, “Leave my world and never return.”
Mari: This is interesting. Part of this episode’s charm is that the Doctor and Rose are having a lot of fun being together and having adventures. It’s a bit sobering, then, to have Queen Victoria remind us (and them) that this ISN’T just fun. People’s lives are at stake, and while they do swoop in and save the day, people are still dead. It’s serious business they meddle with, but they’ve gotten into a rhythm of treating it lightly. I would probably like this line even more if we didn’t shortly return to their very same antics.
K: It’s also an interesting juxtaposition with Harriet Jones, who was all “YOU WEREN’T HERE WHEN WE NEEDED YOU”. Queen Victoria don’t need no Doctor. She’ll fight the aliens herself. Probably with her bare hands…
Sara: Queen Victoria is definitely my spirit animal.
The guards drop the Doctor and Rose off near the TARDIS, and on their walk to it, he tells her that it’s totally possible the Queen was bit and maybe that explains the haemophilia that runs in the royal family. Queen Victoria’s parents didn’t have it, so it’s always been a mystery. The gene also got passed down to her children. Rose laughs at the Doctor calling the royal family werewolves, but he clarifies that one single gene wouldn’t make a werewolf. But once that gene has matured….. maybe by the 21st century, one of the royals will indeed become a wolf.
Rose points out that Princess Anne does look a little wolfy, and also the royals are super private. Since they plan their own schedules, they could work around the full moon. And they like hunting! And blood sports! Rose and the Doctor laugh as she yells, “Oh my god, they’re werewolves!” The TARDIS whooshes away.
Torchwood Estate. The Queen and Sir Robert’s wife meet late at night. The Queen swears to her that her husband’s bravery will be remembered, because she is going to create an institute that will defend the world from all the crazy shit she knows is out there, thanks to the Doctor. She calls it The Torchwood Institute (Ooh, this feels important!), and says that if the Doctor ever returns, he should be worried because Torchwood will be waiting.
This is probably one of my favorite episodes so far. I legit laughed quite a bit through it, instead of laughing AT it which tends to happen with this show. (Looking at you, cat nuns.) I thought I would be upset about missing Nine for a long time, but Ten and Rose work so well together that he’s grown on me much faster than I expected. I still haven’t finished an episode of this show and thought, MUST WATCH THE NEXT ONE, though. It’s one of those things that I have to remind myself to watch, or I would stop completely. I think once we get into more of the big story (Torchwood), I’ll be more interested in watching the next one as soon as possible.
Mari: This was a good time, to be sure, but isn’t one of my favorite episodes. It’s solidly on the, “getting better!” path, but still has a ways to go. I mean, someone explain to me the kung fu monks. Why? Some of the plot details get lost too, especially when it comes to how exactly Prince Albert and Robert’s dad came up with this super convoluted plan to save the Queen. You may fall on the side of, “DON’T CARE; SO MUCH FUN,” but it still stands that there are a couple of ways this show is still bumbling around.
K: This is my favourite episode, hands down. Sure, there are some wonky plot details and the monks make almost no sense (if they live in a remote valley in Scotland and are all white dudes, how comes they’re wearing Buddhist robes and know martial arts so well?!), but HONEY BADGER DON’T CAAAAARE.
Next time on Doctor Who: The Doctor goes undercover at a suspicious school AND GILES IS THERE in S02 E03 – School Reunion.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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