Previously: Everything was slut-shamey and stupid on MILF Witch Island.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
Democracy Diva: Jen and Pacey are having a domestic moment, grocery shopping and arguing about what to cook for Thanksgiving at Grams’s, which is conveniently ruining their sex-buddies situation. Pacey blames Jen for the fact that this situation has not actually happened yet, and she just kinda laughs at his foreplay, which, RUDE. Then Jen comes up with the brilliant idea to do it immediately before/during/after the Grams Turkey Day God Fest ’99.
The official gif of Grams’s Turkey Day God Fest ’99.
Pacey says, uh, kinda have to spend the holiday with own my terrible family at some point. (K: I don’t even want to think about how horrible a Witter family Thanksgiving would be…) (D: I’m thankful we were spared a scene at the Witter house.) He doesn’t quite ask if Andie is coming, but Jen gets it, and explains that she and Jack are doing a family thing, like people do on Thanksgiving. Pacey seems upset and Jen hugs him. He pulls her in and tells her she smells good and instead of collapsing on the floor in a pile of orgasms, she laughs at him. Maybe if you can’t get through THAT without laughing, you two really shouldn’t be having sex.
Kirsti: Accurate. Also, that is the perfect image for this situation.
Diva: HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
Leery Manor. Gail’s cooking, Mitch is watching football, and Dawson is incredulous. They’re going to Grams’s Turkey Day God Fest ’99 instead of doing it on their own, because reasons. Mitch and Gail cute-bicker about when he’s allowed to eat the pie.
Dawson calls them some old pop culture married couple or other, and they basically tell him to GTFO.
Jen arrives at Grams’s and tells her that Sam from the deli says hi. In my headcanon, this is Sam the Butcher from The Brady Bunch, and Grams is in a love triangle with Alice.
K: Grams and Alice have very similar hair, so HEAD CANON ACCEPTED.
Diva: Anyway, Grams tries to tell Jen something, but she’s not even remotely listening. Grams babbles about different traditions coming together in harmony on this special day, as they walk to her room. They open the door, and surprise! Jen’s mom is there. I guess we figured out who’s coming to dinner. That was quick.
Potter House. Bessie and Joey can’t cook, but reminisce about their mom. They’re going to Grams’s Turkey Day God Fest ’99 too. So glad all these individual scenes needed to happen so we could establish attendance for GTDGF99!
Leery Manor. Gail says she ran into Jen’s mom Helen, and asks Dawson what that means, and if they’re talking about Jen’s secret half-sister. When did Gail become such a gossip? Dawson says Jen still doesn’t know that she has a half-sister named Eve who is also a figment of Dawson’s imagination. Gail is shocked he had enough self-control to not tell Jen (aren’t we all), but he says he was just too chicken. Gail says it’s interesting that Dawson discovered this secret and suddenly Jen’s mom is back for the first time in over a year. Gail, I think that’s called the Great Contrivance Spirit.
K: My notes say “Dawson, shut your fucking mouth about Eve. Even to your mother.” But yeah. What Diva said.
Diva: Jen broods on the pier; Grams approaches tries to get her to come home for GTDGF99. Mr. Lindley is off jet-setting, so Jen thinks her mom is only here because she didn’t have a better option. Jen hasn’t seen her mother in over a year, which, you know, what the fuck. Manhattan and Capeside are really not that far away. Anyway, Grams says she thinks Jen is happy to see her mom, or at least prepared to deal with their issues. Jen says she can’t even look at her mother, let alone deal with shit. Grams give a big speech about how much Jen has changed over the past year. Sappy music plays and they talk about crossroads and whatever, you guys.
K: A+. Mostly during this scene I was distracted by the fact that Jen and Grams are sitting around outside without coats in late November. A quick Google search tells me that the average November temperature for Cape Cod is 53 degrees F/11 degrees C, which could hypothetically be construed as no-coat-weather, but whatever. I’m from Melbourne. We wear coats when it’s below 15 degrees C.
Diva: I LOVE WHEN WE HAVE SEPARATE WEATHER RANTS IN THE SAME POST.
In the mean time, Grams tells Jen, let’s do this goddamn dinner which all your friends are coming to so you REALLY don’t get to bail.
Post-break, Pacey runs into Andie and Jack, whose dad couldn’t get to Capeside or just bailed because Jerky McPhee is the WORST, so they’re coming to GTDGF99 too. Things are awkward. As per usual, Jack is trying to be a good buffer, until Pacey asks how Andie’s doing and she gets PISSED. She doesn’t want to hear his polite friend bullshit. Pacey’s all, yup, ok, leaving now. Andie says no, we’ll leave. Jack, bless his heart, tells them both to shut up, get over it, and count themselves lucky Grams is taking them in.
K: Jack continues to be the best. And yet, we’ve had to sit through two episodes of bullshit that Jack totally would have been all “Okay, stop” over. SIGH.
Diva: GTDGF99 is in full motion. Everyone coming together is pretty cute to see, actually. Joey notes that Gail and Mitch seem happy, just because they needed to call attention to that a minimum of four times in this episode. Jen runs into her mother in her bedroom and tries to bail on their convo. Instead, she sticks around and reminisces about watching her mom put lipstick on when she was little. Her mom gives her a gift that belonged to HER mother (Grams, I guess?). It’s a beautiful pearl necklace that Jen’s always admired, but she won’t accept them. She has nowhere to wear them in Capeside – she might if she lived in New York, though, hint hint, nudge nudge. Jen says, like pearls, you need to keep people close to your skin or something equally weak metaphor.
Then she bails.
K: It was a terrible metaphor, but I still had Jen Feels.
Diva: In the kitchen, Grams is stressed because Turkey Day God Fests are a lot to deal with. Joey and Dawson want to meet Jen’s mom, but Jen is clearly upset and explains that her mom just sprung this visit on her without notice. Dawson asks if she’s here for any particular reason, or to ask Jen to move home, but Jen doubts it. Dawson needles further that Helen probably has something important to tell her. Joey says they’re all strangers to their parents. And she plays the dead mom card, OF COURSE, to get Jen to reconcile with Helen. Jen apologizes and Joey says, no worries, just give her a chance.
K: JOEY. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DEAD MOTHER.
Diva: FOR REAL.
Dawson approaches Helen out by the creek. He introduces himself awkwardly. They admire how beautiful is in LATE NOVEMBER IN NEW ENGLAND. GRRRR THIS IS NOT HOW WEATHER WORKS.
THIS IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY FROM WHAT YOU SHOULD LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW, CAPESIDE.
K: A+ gif selection.
Diva: I’ve had this one bookmarked as “Jon Snow is sad in the cold” in my Snark Squad Gifs folder for SO LONG, so I’m glad I saved it for the right moment.
Dawson for some reason decides to tell her about Eve, her adopted daughter who’s running around with a photo of her. Helen asks if Eve is still in town. She’s not, of course, because she stopped being useful to Dawson’s penis. Anyway, Helen doesn’t want to tell Jen about this at all, now that Eve’s gone anyway. Dawson is like, uh, TELL HER, YOU DICK, and Helen tells him he’s out of line. He doesn’t want to see Jen hurt, neither does she, blah blah blah. Where’s Pacey?
K: Agreed. But this whole Dawson-knows-and-Jen-doesn’t-and-he-feels-like-he-should-tell-her plot line pisses me off like whoa. Admittedly, I probably overrelate to it because I wasn’t that much older than Jen when I found out I had a half brother, and I didn’t handle it especially well. The idea of having found out FROM THE DOUCHEY BOY NEXT DOOR makes me want to throw up forever, Pitch Perfect style. Seriously, Dawson, it is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND YOU SHOULD STAY OUT OF WHAT DOESN’T CONCERN YOU JFC.
Diva: 100% agreed. I thought it was fucked that Helen was just going to never bring it up – she is the opposite of Sandy Cohen/another in a long line of absentee Traumaland parents – but I definitely didn’t want that news to come from DAWSON, of all people.
GTDGF99. Joey tells Andie that it’ll get easier, being around Pacey. Cut to Pacey, asking Jack if Andie talks about him. Back to Joey, who says she’s been there and Andie will “find peace,” but Andie’s not sure she can. Jack basically says the same thing to Pacey. Andie asks if Pacey talks about her but Joey says no, he keeps that close to his heart because that’s how precious Andie is to him.
Grams has everyone stand up and hold hands. She asks Dawson to begin because this is his television show, after all. Dawson is thankful for the food, family and friends, because he’s a basic bitch. Pacey thanks the Ryan ladies for being the opposite of his actual family, because they are monsters. Andie thanks Grams for welcoming them at the last minute, and thanks her friends for getting her through hard times. Jack is thankful for people who take strays into their life and treat them like family even if they’re not, and Grams gets feels. Joey is thankful for those who aren’t here today, whom we love just as much as those at this table. Jen gives thanks for second chances, bridges, and more Thanksgivings to come. Jen’s mom, of course, excuses herself from the table at this moment because she’s a monster. Grams starts to get up, but Jen goes after her mother instead.
K: Totally random sidenote, but the most authentic thing about this show for me is the fact that Joey’s hair isn’t perfect.
You would never get this today. NEVER.
Diva: SHE HAS FLYAWAYS! LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN!
Helen admits that she believes she did the right thing, sending Jen to live with Grams. She’s been looking for friends like the ones Jen has all her life. Jen says, uh, that’s nice, but friends aren’t family, and I’m still sixteen and I should probably have a mom if that’s an option. Jen explains how hard this year has been and asks why her mom didn’t write or call. Helen gives bullshit non-excuses as Jen cries and asks what she did wrong.
Mitch and Gail are giggling together over pie. They’re all cuteness until Dawson tells them to cut it the fuck out with their false cheer. Gail says they’re just trying to become friends again. Dawson wants to know why she’s living in their guest room, asking her “are you part of the family, or are you a tenant, or what?” She’s your mother, you fucking asshole. SHE’S PART OF THE FAMILY. Mitch coldly tells him it’s not that simple, and Dawson scoffs that it never is with them, but sits down to keep speech-ifying. He says he doesn’t want to be in their drama, but if something’s happening that affects him, then they have to tell him. UGHHH WHO CARES
K: Given that my notes say “I have zero fucks to give about Dawson and his first world problems”, YUP. A+, 1430 and a cheer of agreement.
Diva: Jen repeats her mom’s story back to her: that she got pregnant and had a child as a teenager, but never told Jen, and fucking exiled her instead of commiserating with her or explaining that she had been in a similar situation. Helen pushed Jen away to cover up her own “shameful secret.” Jen accuses Helen of just wanting to keep it secret from Mr. Lindley. Helen says she just doesn’t want to be alone, but Jen would take loneliness over their “pathetic, loveless marriage.” She calls her mother numb and selfish and other completely called-for things, because Helen is a goddamn robot. Jen sobs and walks away.
Alexander cries, so Bessie wants to bail on GTDGF99. She tells Joey to stay and hang with her buddies. Dawson sits next to Joey, who asks about his folks. He says the divorce is final. And when they told him, he congratulated them. Joey thinks that was the right call, as Dawson realizes that any decision is better than no decision at all. He asks if she wants to cut loose tonight. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. The usual. Or they could talk for three hours instead. And I could overdose on brain bleach if I listened to that “mind-blowing” conversation.
As Pacey heads home, Jen grabs him and drags him into the gardening shed for sexytimes. Pacey’s all, no, I really can’t now, could I just have a minute please? He wisely says that because of the casual terms of their agreement, angry sex is not allowed. Pacey asks about what happened with her mom and for a moment, Jen pretends it’s nothing. Finally, her glare softens, and she explains. Pacey tells her that this is a defining moment, where you see your parents as real people with problems, and it’s freeing. Because they’re more fucked up than you are, and you can’t hate them for that. Jen cries and they hug and Alanis plays and it’s moody as hell.
K: Moody, but also PACEY WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT OMFG.
Diva: Intern Pacey, come to Snark HQ and tell us how to turn our traumatic issues into freeing experiences! And also give us backrubs.
Helen is getting into the car when Jen stops her and promises she won’t tell Mr. Lindley her secret. But she also she won’t take back what she said about Helen being the actual worst. When Helen warns Jen not to marry a cold man, Jen begs her to get a divorce. Helen is all, I can’t, because my social scene will evaporate, and THAT’S actually all that matters to me, and Jen just looks at her. Jen realizes that her mother doesn’t hate her – Helen hates herself. Jen just wishes she had realized that earlier. Helen reminds Jen how strong she is, and leaves. She gives Grams a “Bye, mom,” and Jen says the same thing to Helen, smiling and reminding her to call.
Pacey comes back because he just couldn’t face his family because they’re terrible. Jen’s happy he’s there, and she’s embarrassed and apologizes for the attempted angry sex in the gardening shed. He jokes around and she thanks him for “conduct above and beyond.” She compliments him on his restraint, and they walk up to the rest of the gang around the fire. Pacey sits next to Andie.
Dawson thinks it’s sweet that they’re all together again. They bond about the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. Dawson basically says, fuck parents, because friends are awesomer. Joey sarcastically says there won’t be a dry eye in the house at Dawson’s Oscar’s speech. They all look happy and I don’t actually hate it.
K: This episode was meh for me. Schmaltzy meh. And I really want to punch Dawson Leery in the junk for being a complete and total douchebag from start to finish. Find out something dramatic about someone else’s family that they don’t know? Cool. Unless someone’s life is in danger, KEEP IT THE FUCK TO YOURSELF BECAUSE IT’S NOT YOUR PLACE TO SAY ANYTHING. Worst.
D: +1 to all of that, but especially “Schmaltzy meh,” which should be the new title for this show.
Next time: Dawson thinks Pacey and Joey are doin’ it, and Andie urges Jack to go on a blind date in Dawson’s Creek S03 E09 – Four to Tango.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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