Previously: Dean was scared of everything, and may have developed a drinking problem.
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It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester
Kirsti: We open two days before Halloween with people setting up their front gardens and shit. IDEK, you guys. Australia doesn’t do Halloween. It’s kind of hard when it’s spring and everything’s green and leafy, and it doesn’t get dark until 8pm…
Marines: You guys are missing the point then, which is mainly: CANDY.
K: Yeah, but like, just go to the supermarket and buy it yourself. Then you don’t have to talk to people. Or dress up.
A woman carries a pumpkin and a big container of candy into her house, where her husband is feeding their baby pumpkin puree. He (the husband, not the baby) tries to pilfer some candy, but she’s all “NO, IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN”. The baby starts crying, and she takes it out of the high chair and goes upstairs. Her husband says he’ll be there in a minute. It’s totally suspicious, but she doesn’t twig. Obviously, the second she’s gone, he stuffs his face with candy. (M: Like any self-respecting adult would.)
He stops mid-bite, and looks confused. We get a horrible from-the-back-of-his-throat shot as he reaches into his mouth and CUTS HIS FINGER ON THE FUCKING RAZOR BLADE THAT’S LODGED IN THE ROOF OF HIS MOUTH. He pulls the razor blade out and stares at it in horror. Then he doubles up and coughs up blood and a ton more razor blades. He collapses dead on the floor as his wife walks in and screams.
Mari: I was expecting worms out of his throat and then couldn’t decide if razors were better or worse. Thanks, Supernatural.
K: Just when you think this show can’t give you more disturbing “would you rather”s, it does.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, it’s the day before Halloween and Sam’s questioning the widow while Dean examines the kitchen. She wants to know how her husband could have swallowed four razor blades. Sam has no idea. Meanwhile, Dean has spotted marks on the floor indicating that the fridge has been moved. He moves it a little, then holds up a hex bag to show Sam.
Sam’s face turns serious and he asks the widow if it’s possible her husband was having an affair. She’s outraged, and points out that if her husband had an enemy who wanted to kill him, they’d probably find a better way to do it than “a razor blade in a piece of candy he MIGHT eat“. Fair point.
Mari: I imagine the suspense would be awful for the murderer.
K: Cut to the Motel of the Week where Sam’s doing research on the hex bag. Dean walks in eating candy, and Sam’s all “…..REALLY???” on account of the razor blades. Dean has no fucks to give because candy is delicious. (M: That’s actually an existing tag on Snark Squad, because candy is delicious.) Sam goes back to talking about the hex bag. Apparently it’s a super special hex bag, featuring plants that have been extinct for 200 years, a Celtic coin, and a newborn baby bone. Ew.
They agree that witches are super gross, and this one must be pretty powerful. Sam asks about the dead guy, and Dean replies “He was so vanilla that he made vanilla seem spicy.” Sam eyerolls. Dean confirms that he has literally nothing.
Cut to a high school Halloween party, which is apparently incredibly dull. HANNA FROM PRETTY LITTLE LIARS (M: HEY HANNA! She would totally be the one to end up on Supernatural…) is dressed as a cheerleader and flirtily asks the host, who’s got a big tyre mark up his shirt like he’s been run over, if he’s broken into the booze yet. But no. He asks if she and her friend are going to a party at the mausoleum for Halloween, and OH MY GOD THAT IS THE WORST PLAN EVER, BUFFY SUMMERS WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU. (M: Buffy wasn’t good at Halloween either, though.) (K: True. She’d still be ashamed of them though.) The friend, who’s dressed as a nurse, says that it has to be better than his dumb party.
Hanna says it could be worse – at least there’s apple bobbing. Skidmark says it’s totally lame, but Hanna walks over, kneels down, and grabs an apple. This is apparently the sexiest thing ever?? Nurse Friend gets jealous that Hanna is getting male attention, and heads over to try bobbing for apples. From underwater, we see her go for apple after apple, but they all float away.
Suddenly, she finds that she can’t pull her head out of the water. She struggles, and Hanna rushes to her aid. Skidmark tries to help too, but it’s futile. The water starts to boil, and Nurse Friend screams underwater. Then she slumps down. Skidmark pulls her from the water, her face red and blistered. She’s hella dead.
Mari: I can’t tell if the innocuous apples make this scarier or oddly funny.
K: I’m going with funny.
The boys arrive at the scene while the police are still interviewing witnesses. Dean spots Hanna, and says he’ll take this one. Sam gives him bitchface and calls her jail bait. Dean heads over in time to hear Hanna saying that the water wasn’t hot, but it boiled her friend anyway. Dean interrupts to ask if Nurse Friend knew the first victim, and introduces himself as “Agent Seger“. Dude. Seriously? Hanna has no idea who the first victim is. Sam finds a hex bag in the sofa cushions.
Back at the Motel of the Week, Dean’s got nothing on either of the victims. Sam’s reading an old book, and suggests that maybe it’s not witchy payback. Maybe it’s part of a spell. Like the one in the book he’s reading, which mentions making three blood sacrifices over three days in order to summon Samhain. He infodumps about the history of Samhain, and how the Celtic festival somehow turned into Halloween, and then says that the ritual can only be performed every six hundred years, and the six hundred years rolls around the following night. Oh, Sam. You’re just like Giles with your “IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!”-ing…
It gets worse though. Samhain can raise all kinds of evil beasties, like ghosts and zombies. Dean jokes about it, and Sam glares a little, saying “Look, it just starts with ghosts and ghouls, this sucker keeps on going, by night’s end we are talking every awful thing we have ever seen. Everything we fight, all in one place.” Dean pales a little over the “every awful thing we’ve ever seen”, because he’s been to Hell and that means a lot of awful things hahahaha ohgod my feels. Dean says it’s going to be a slaughterhouse, and Sam nods. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s Halloween. Dean sits in the Bromobile eating more candy. There’s a pile of empty wrappers next to him. Sam rings and asks how staking out the widow’s house is going. Dean’s got nothing. Sam insists that someone has to have access to both houses in order to have planted the hex bags. Conveniently, Hanna walks up the front path and Dean trails off mid-sentence as he realises the connection.
Back at the Motel of the Week, he tells Sam that Hanna is the babysitter. Sam’s confused about why a 600 year old witch would want to be a teenage girl, (M: It’s happened before…) and Dean wistfully says that he’d come back as a hot cheerleader if he could. Sam gives him “I AM BOTH DISTURBED AND CONCERNED” face. When he’s done being judgey, he says that Cheerleader got suspended from school for fighting with a teacher.
Cut to the high school. Dean walks into the art room to find a bunch of creepy papier mache masks hanging from the ceiling. We hear screaming, but it’s just Dean having Hell flashbacks. “Bring back memories?” Sam asks. Dean’s all “WHAT? NO. I DEFINITELY DON’T REMEMBER HELL” but Sam’s just talking about high school and being an angsty teenager.
Mari: It took me a second to register this moment, for some reason. My brain went, “why is he staring at that stupid mask.. oh. OH. :(”
K: Don’t worry, it took me a moment too and I’ve seen this episode like four times.
The art teacher walks in, and they introduce themselves as Agents Geddy and Lee. Rush, Dean? Really?? They ask about Cheerleader, and Art Teacher says that she attacked him when he said that her work was inappropriate. Apparently she’d started drawing weirdo symbols and pictures of ritual killings, putting herself in the middle, participating. Dean asks where they can find Hanna, which serves as an opportunity for Art Teacher to infodump about how she lives alone because she’s an emancipated teen.
Motel of the Week. Outside, the boys exchange notes. Hanna’s not at her apartment, and her friends have no idea who she is. A small overweight child dressed as an astronaut approaches and asks for candy. LOL NOPE. Dean ate it all. The kid demands candy, and Dean fat shames him. The kid death stares him before walking away.
“Hello, Sam,” Cas says. Sam fangirls over getting to meet an angel, and offers his hand. Cas leaves him hanging for a ridiculously long time, then clasps his hand and says he’s glad to hear Sam’s stopped using his powers. He asks if they’ve stopped the rising of Samhain yet, and the boys awkward. They assure him that they know who the witch is, they just have to stop her. Cas says she knows who they are too because he found a hex bag in their wall.
He tells them to work harder because the rising of Samhain is one of the 66 seals that will set Lucifer free. Dean asks for help finding the witch, and Cas says she’s hella powerful and can hide herself from angel magic. But probably not Angel’s Magic Sense of Smell. That dude could smell ANYTHING. (M: OMG, dying. A+)
Sam says they should work together to find Cheerleader but Tall Black Guy has no time for that.
Dean demands to know why he’s so big and important, and Cas introduces him as Uriel, a name that I’ve always thought is uncomfortably close to urea. Cas goes on to say that Uriel is…a specialist, and encourages the boys to leave town ASAP because they’re about to destroy it. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s all “WHAT THE FUCK, WORST PLAN EVER”. Cas says there’s no time. They have to save the seal. Sam points out that there are over a thousand people in the town. Uriel gives zero fucks: “This isn’t the first time I’ve…purified…a town.” Dean’s horrified. Cas tries to get him to focus on the bigger picture – sacrificing 1000 to save 6 billion – but NOPE. Cas glares at Dean and tells him that if Lucifer rises, Hell rises with him. Dean suddenly looks panicky. I’d say it’s 90% Hell flashbacks and 10% “ohgod I’m weirdly turned on right now”, but that might just be my headcanon talking.
I mean, seriously.
Mari: Sorry, just your headcanon.
K: Drat.
Sam insists that they’ll stop the witch before she does anything, but Cas says he and Uriel have to follow orders. Sam’s horrified because angels are supposed to be merciful, and it’s possible Sam hasn’t read the Bible because angels are smite-happy assholes with four faces and a shit ton of eyes. Uriel clearly agrees with me because he smirks.
Dean argues the point, and Cas says they’re following orders from Heaven, just like how Dean used to follow orders from Papa Winchester, no questions asked. Oof. Dean suddenly stumbles upon the flaw in their plan: they expended a ton of effort getting him out of Hell, so if he refuses to leave town, they’re not likely to smite it. He gives Uriel a verbal smackdown, then turns to Cas and insists that he and Sam can take care of it. He and Cas have a moment of bizarrely intense eye contact while Uriel rages in the background. Cas tells him to STFU, and tells Dean to move fast.
The boys head out to the Bromobile, which has now been egged by the astronaut kid. Dean’s hella pissed. Sam, meanwhile, stares at the hex bag and says a little sadly that he thought the angels would be different. Righteous. Dean says they are, and that’s the problem: “there’s nothing more dangerous than some a-hole who thinks he’s on a holy mission.”
Sam’s still sad panda-y, because apparently he’s been praying to a bunch of dicks. The tinkly piano tinkles as Dean points out that maybe some angels aren’t dicks and that Sam shouldn’t give up. Sam still looks sad. He opens the hex bag and stares at the contents, then realises that it would take a ton of heat to char bone, and says they have to make a stop.
Cut to the art room. The boys examine the kilns, then realise that the hex bag turned up in their room after they talked to Art Teacher. They find a padlocked drawer in his desk, and smash it open to find a bunch of bones from small children inside. Elsewhere, Cas and Uriel watch kids trick or treating. Cas wants to give Dean a chance while Uriel’s in favour of dragging him out of town and blowing it off the map. “You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?” Cas says. Uriel doesn’t answer.
That night, Art Teacher has Hanna tied up in his basement. He chants at a dark altar and goes to stab her. He’s shot from behind by the boys. Dean frees Hanna while Sam checks that Art Teacher’s dead. Hanna babbles her thanks and talks about how gross Art Teacher was, finishing with “did you see what he was doing? Did you hear him? How sloppy his incantation was?”
The boys snap to attention as she says that her brother always always was the dumb one. The boys scramble for their guns, but she hurls them across the room with a spell. Then she consults the Big Book of Villain Gloating and informs us that the spellwork on the final incantation to free Samhain is a two person gig, so she’s had to put up with her asshole brother for 600 years. But now he’s the final sacrifice.
She collects some of his blood in a chalice and laughs about how they stopped a powerful 600 year old witch with a gun. The boys writhe in pain on the floor. Hanna takes the chalice to the altar and starts the final incantation. Sam reaches out and dips his hand in Art Teacher’s blood, then rubs it all over his face. He does the same to Dean, who’s confused. “Just follow my lead!” Sam says.
Meanwhile, Hanna finishes the spell. The floor splits open and a black cloud of demon smoke pours out. It rushes into Art Teacher, who stands slowly, his eyes a creepy pale blue. We see things from Samhain’s perspective for a second, and everything’s really blurry. He walks over to Hanna and kisses her. She calls him “my love“, and the whole thing is really creepy. (M: First Mama Winchester kissed her dad and now this? Stahp.) Luckily(?) we’re spared any potential incest moments when he snaps her neck and calls her a whore. Thanks, writers. My liver was pining for its regularly scheduled Misogyny Shots!
Samhain sniffs the air, and briefly studies the figures of the boys who are playing dead. Then he walks past them and leaves. Once he’s gone, the boys sit up. Dean demands to know what the blood was about, and Sam says that people used to wear masks to hide from Samhain so he figured it was worth trying out. Dean is not impressed. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Samhain walks through the hoards of children on the street. No one questions his blood stained appearance. The boys head back to the car, and Dean asks how they’re going to find him. Sam points out that he wants to raise a bunch of evil, and they head off to a cemetery. En route, Sam says that Samhain is pretty powerful and they might need his powers to defeat him. Dean disagrees. He hands Sam Ruby’s knife and begs him not to use his powers. Sam does an excellent impression of Grumpy Cat. (M: 50% of every episode ever described in one sentence.) (K: Good point.)
Elsewhere, Skidmark and his friends are partying in a mausoleum. Because that’s normal… Samhain walks down the stairs, and locks them in. Skidmark is not impressed by this dick move from his art teacher. Just then, all the markers on the walls start to shake. The kids huddle in the centre of the room in a panic. Except Skidmark, who backs towards the wall. Obviously, a zombie bursts out of the wall, grabs his ankles, and drags him into the niche. Blood sprays everywhere. The kids scream and try to break the door down.
The boys rush down the stairs. Sam tells Dean to help the kids and runs off alone. Dean bitchfaces, then tells the kids to get away from the door. He shoots the lock and kicks the door in, then tells them all to run. The dead start to crawl out of the walls and walk towards him. Dean pulls out a long silver stake (where do they get the money for these things?!) and says “Bring it on, Stinky“.
Meanwhile, Sam walks towards Samhain. Samhain throws out a hand, which glows white, but it doesn’t do shit to Sam. He just keeps walking. Samhain rushes him, but his vision’s still blurry. Sam punches him. They fight, and Samhain gets the upper hand, pinning Sam against a wall. Back in the crypt, Dean stakes his second zombie. He sees a woman walk towards him, and goes to stake her too, but she flickers and reappears on the other side of him. Ghost, not zombie.
Then she hurls him across the room. He slides down the wall and grunts in pain. She vanishes. “Zombie-ghost orgy, huh? That’s it. I’m torching everybody…” he says as he stands up.
Sam stands and throws out a hand. The music gets all “DUN! DUN! DUN!” psycho killer intense as Samhain is stopped in his tracks. He struggles against Sam’s hold, and little wisps of demon smoke pour out of him. He takes another step forward and Sam fights to keep control. Another few steps, more wisps of demon smoke, and the vein on Sam’s forehead pops out. That’s…weirdly impressive, JPad. (M: Credit where credit is due.) (K: I wonder if it’s on his CV? “Can pop forehead vein on demand”)
Dean turns up, and watches his brother’s struggle, torn about whether to assist or not. Sam grabs his head in one hand as blood starts pouring from his nose and his eyes turn black. But it’s enough. Demon smoke pours from Samhain’s mouth, and he collapses on the floor. The smoke burns away to nothing, and Sam gasps for breath. Dean just stares at him in horror. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s the day after Halloween and Sam’s packing. Uriel appears behind him to remind him that it’s the anniversary of his mother’s death. Also Jessica’s death. Dick move, Uriel. Sam asks why he’s there, and Uriel’s all “You dumb shit, we told you not to use your powers and you used your fucking powers.” Sam says that he had no choice because Samhain would have gotten loose and killed everyone. Uriel’s all “Bitch, did I fucking stutter?”. Sam snaps that Dean was right, “you are dicks“.
There’s a feathery sound and suddenly Uriel is all up in Sam’s face. He says coldly that the only reason Sam’s still alive is because he’s been useful. If that stops, he’s dead. Sam nods his understanding. Uriel backs off and says that Dean should get off his high horse. He tells Sam to ask Dean what he remembers about Hell. There’s another feathery sound, and we’re left starting at Sam’s shocked face.
Meanwhile, Dean and Cas are on a date in the park. Dean says he’s not interested in “I told you so”s, but Cas tells him that their orders weren’t to stop Samhain. They were to do whatever Dean told them to do. It was a test to see how he’d do on the battlefield. Dean’s all “THE FUCK??”, and says he doesn’t care that he failed their test because he’d make the same call again, because everything’s still there thanks to him and Sam.
Cas nods a little, and says he was praying Dean would save the town, because the people in it are God’s creations. But even though they stopped Samhain, the seal’s broken and they’re getting closer to Hell on earth. He emphasises that it’s literal, not an expression, and that Dean should know how bad that is. Dean looks feelsy and a little bit like he might wet his pants.
Mari: Okay, this is getting repetitive now. I mean, I know it’s serious trauma but they sometimes over do it with the someone mentions hell/Dean looks feelsy and little bit like he might wet his pants combination.
K: True.
Cas tells Dean that he has doubts and questions. He doesn’t know right or wrong any more, whether Dean passed or failed. He says that in the coming months, Dean will have more pressure on his shoulders, more decisions to make. He doesn’t envy Dean at all. They share another weirdly long look, then Dean glances away. When he looks back, Cas is gone. The tinkly piano tinkles as we fade to black.
I never quite know how to feel about this episode. It introduces some pretty big concepts for the future, but at the same time, it feels fillery.
Mari: That is the other 50% of every Supernatural episode, I think. So, in all: Big concepts, fillery filler and Sam is a Grumpy Cat. Happy Halloween y’all!
Next time on Supernatural: Wishes CAN come true! And sometimes they go horribly wrong and make Kirsti ragey. Find out more in S04 E08 – Wishful Thinking.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
