Previously: Total dramz over where to go to college.
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The Disconnect
Marines: Ryan is driving Johnny home from the hospital with Marissa and Seth along for the ride. Apparently this kid’s mom was like, “I’d like to see you discharged from the hospital but I gotta work.” Sweet.
There is a bit of an awkward moment about Johnny’s “poor people house” but it’s cool because Ryan comes from poorer and Marissa is poor now too. Poor can happen to anyone. (D: #snarksquadmottos) Johnny struggles a bit on his crutches while trying to climb the steps to his house. Marissa has free period at school so Ryan tells her to stay with Johnny and help him get settled. Seth starts to say something but Ryan cuts him off before he can. Johnny doesn’t have anyone and he trusts Marissa not to be a cheatery cheater. I’m sure this will end well.
Democracy Diva: How did they think a kid in crutches holding a bag was going to get up a flight of stairs by himself? I forgot how stupid these characters are.
Mari: CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COME!
After the credits, we’re at the Cohen House for Strays and Fuck Ups. Kirsten and Julie are trading ideas for their new business. Kirsten suggests a bookstore and Julie stripper maids who clean naked. Sandy saunters in and says he’d be okay with that as long as the strippers ironed his shirts right. #priorities
Sandy mentions a big meeting his new, shady partner set-up. Julie says that she’s against low-income housing, even though she’s currently living in a trailer park. See, she’s motivated to get rich but thinks you can’t make poor people too comfortable or else they’ll never be rich. Sandy leaves and Kirsten pitches the idea that was probably apparent to us all along: they should become party planners. They cheers their coffee to that.
Diva: This town probably has more party planners than residents, but, sure, let’s call this a thing Newport needs!
Diva: Harbor High. Seth pesters Ryan about calling Marissa to check in, even though they just dropped her off. Summer passes by but can’t stop because she has to go see Dr. Kim about her SAT scores. Ryan asks how she did and Summer casually says, “2300.”
It’s real weird that this episode is new enough to be using the new SAT scoring system. I got my scores in the old system so what I’m really saying is that this is making me feel old. Just FYI, Summer’s new 2300 is higher than Buffy’s 1430.
Diva: I graduated high school the same year as these characters, and we were the first class to use the 2400 scale. I think we actually had the option to do the new or the old version of the test in our weird beta year (what up, class of 2006), but I chose the new one because it had writing, obvi. And also, my notes here read, “That’s even better than Buffy’s 1430!” because that is the most prominent marker on the Snark Squad Scale of Educational Achievement.
Mari: That makes me feel somewhat better; I was class of 2005.
Seth is kind of a dick about her awesome scores and says he once read a study that said that if a bunch of third graders took the SAT one would score perfectly based on probability. He thinks so highly of his girlfriend.
Diva: I know Seth’s dickishness stems from his own insecurities and not his general feelings about women, but this comes off as mad sexist. Stop it, Seth.
Mari: Johnny’s Shack. Marissa sets him up on the couch with a blanket and the remote control. She’s fussing around and Johnny is kind of pushing her out the door. Marissa asks why it seems like he’s trying to get rid of her and just then Johnny’s Momma walks in. She greets Marissa warmly and says Johnny talks about her all the time. Johnny says Marissa has to go now, but Momma wants to give them both good news. She got Johnny an appointment with the best sports medicine doctor in town. The only hitch is that there is a wait list for his services and it might be a few months. Johnny is upset because he’ll miss the surfing tour. Marissa says maybe there is a way to get bumped up the list and Johnny’s momma is basically like, “nope, we’re poor.”
Improbable Student Lounge. Summer finds Seth and breaks the news that she’s totally smart. “In your own way,” Seth offers, like a dick, but Summer doesn’t flinch. “In your way too,” she offers. Dr. Kim said that if she studies real hard for her finals she can bump her grades up enough to get into Brown with Seth. Seth is not as excited about this as you would think he might be. Summer shows him a flyer for an event for prospective Brown students and suggests going together. Seth agrees but is clearly struggling with having a smart girlfriend.
Casa Cohen. Sandy and Shady Matt are prepping for their big meeting. Kirsten suggests Thai for dinner and Sandy says that sounds great. For some reason, this really impresses Matt who compliments them on their epic marriage, centered on takeout food and little jokes. Sandy says they’ve been working on the whole marriage thing for 25 years. He asks about Shady Matt’s girlfriend and he blandly says that she’s a great girl.
Ryan and Seth walk in and Sandy introduces them to Shady Matt. Seth hears they are working on their housing development and takes off quickly to go hang out with Kirsten instead. Ryan looks at the model of the development and suggests they put a wall up somewhere for added courtyard space. Shady Matt says he can be their intern starting RIGHT NOW and tells Ryan to cancel his plans with his girlfriend.
Marissa is still hanging out at Johnny’s Shack because apparently “free period” turned into “truancy.” Marissa is looking into Dr. Best in OC and finds some rich people connections to him. Johnny tells her to stop making this her problem. They are interrupted by a knock on the door. Summer is there to pick Marissa up. Marissa gets a call from Ryan and steps outside to take it, so Summer steps inside to say hello to Johnny. He fervently whispers to her that he needs help because Marissa is being really nice and clingy and he likes it. Summer called Johnny’s feelings for Marissa way back when. I’ll give you your credit, Sum, even though pretty much every boy ever likes Marissa on this show. Johnny wants Summer to promise not to say anything.
The next day, Marissa asks Summer to pick her up after school at Johnny’s house and Summer tries to subtlety be all, “maybe this is weird,” but Marissa doesn’t pick up on it at all.
Harbor. Seth is still being concerned for Ryan and Marissa’s relationship. Ryan flips it on him and tells Seth not to be a dick about Summer being a genius. Something like that.
Diva: I’ve only seen a few episodes of this show as an adult, but I am again reminded that teenaged me was an idiot and Ryan is so much better than Seth. When he’s not punching people. But also occasionally when he’s punching people who really deserve it.
Mari: You have to consider the face punching in context.
Julie and Kirsten are eating and talking business. Again. Julie is distracted by the food, though, because she’s poor now and only eats Ramen. Kirsten forgot a supplier list in the car and after she leaves to get it, Julie sees that some guy is oogling her from the bar. He invites himself over and strikes up a conversation. When Kirsten walks in she can’t believe Julie is sitting there flirting. I can’t believe Julie is wearing some kind of floral rain boots right now. They are super offensive.
Diva: I am beyond thrilled that this bothered you too. I could not focus on anything else in this scene:
UM WHAT
First of all, it never rains in Newport (one time it did and there was a WHOLE EPISODE about it), so, why rainboots? And second, she is wearing these boots with a black dress for a work luncheon and/or man-hunting session? I cannot abide.
Mari: Kirsten tells this dude, Jeff, that they were busy and Julie says that she invited him to stay because he just hired them to throw a party at his house that weekend.
Brown event. Summer greets two girls who are rudely surprised to see her there. Summer takes it in good stride but when Seth suggests they just leave, she finally twigs to (or acknowledges) the fact that Seth is being a dick. She says that getting into Brown may not have been her life long dream but maybe she wants to have a dream now. Unfortunately, she mentions going to space and winning the “noble” prize, so Seth can correct her. She’s done with him. He tells her not to leave, but she wasn’t planning on it. He many know history and science, but she knows how to work a room.
Diva: This girl is wise to understand that the power of working a room should not be underestimated. She’d kill it in D.C.
Mari: Newport Group. Ryan notices Shady Matt basically heavy sighing and asks him about it. Shady Matt proposed to his girlfriend and got dumped so clearly he’s got stuff on his mind. He doesn’t want to tell Sandy, though, because he doesn’t want to disappoint The Eyebrows. Ryan can relate to those feels.
Diva: As can we all, we who fear and respect and love The Eyebrows in equal measure.
Mari: Who hasn’t asked themselves, “What Would The Eyebrows Do?”
Just then, Sandy comes in to drop off extra work they have to do before their super important meeting the next day. Shady Matt looks a little overwhelmed, but says that he and their free labor Ryan can totally get it done. Ryan thinks they should tell Sandy if they can’t handle the work load and Shady Matt says it’s time to take a little field trip.
Brown Event. The organizer welcomes everyone and then makes this shindig a total downer when he says that they only average 1 student from Harbor every year. Summer and Seth exchange significant looks. Seth tries to talk to Summer but she says she has to go talk to the Brown Rep. She asks him what makes a student stand out. “Besides good grades,” Seth jumps in. “And high SAT scores,” Summer adds. The Brown Rep says something about a hook but it’s not important because we fade out.
Johnny’s Shack. Momma is hugging Marissa and thanking her for getting Dr. Best in OC to see Johnny so soon. Momma wants to celebrate but Marissa has plans with Ryan. Momma says to invite him too. Marissa calls Ryan to extend the invitation and he says he’ll be there but late. As he hangs up we see that Shady Matt is bringing him to a strip joint. Inside, Ryan is super uncomfortable because he was thinking they were going on a coffee run. Shady Matt says he does all his best thinking around naked women or something. Ryan says he doesn’t have time for this but then there’s a sexy cop sitting in his lap.
Diva: And her name is Sipowicz, which is amazing.
Mari: Casa Cohen. Seth walks into the kitchen holding a pirate costume. When his parents ask him about it, he says it’s part of a plan to get into Brown ahead of Summer. Kirsten is more surprised over Brown + Summer than she is about pirate costume + college admission.
Diva: National Treasure Peter Gallagher gets so many amazing pirate comeback lines in this scene, and also recognizes Summer’s brilliance re: saving Chrismukkah. I love it.
Mari: Kirsten asks about Ryan. Sandy tells her about the sudden internship and what a good role model Shady Matt is, which of course, Segue Magics us back to the strip club. The Sexy Cop is Network TV Gyrating on Ryan who is leaning way far back away from her, but not actually getting up and leaving. Marissa calls him and leaves a message because it’s getting awfully late. I’m not sure how long Sexy Cop has been Network TV gyrating on Ryan, but if he called Marissa when he got there and Sipowicz came over five minutes later and now Marissa is like, “WHERE ARE YOU EVEN?” this has been going on for a while. Anyway, Johnny is asleep on the couch and tying to use Marissa as a pillow.
Strip Club. Ryan looks like he’s drinking a glass of milk. It might be a pina colada which is even funnier.
Diva: Snark Squad Mind Meld Moment: my notes here read “milk or White Russian???”
Mari: He’s finally “free” of the Sexy Cop and heads outside to call Marissa. This time she lets it go to voicemail because she’s fallen asleep right up against Johnny. Dun dun whatever. (D: A+)
The next morning, Marissa gets back to Summer’s place and doesn’t notice that she’s in the closet pulling at a large instrument case. Summer asks where she was and gives her wide eyes when Marissa admits she fell asleep at Johnny’s place. Marissa asks what’s up with the instrument thing and Summer explains that she played the tuba in the fifth grade so this is her pirate costume. (D: I went to band camp too, Summer! Let’s be friends!) Ryan walks in and asks what’s going on, but Marissa just says that the movie was boring. He explains that he had to work late and the entire thing is more awkward and stilted than normal so you know things are going downhill. He hugs her goodbye and even gives her a bro-y back pat. Uh oh.
At the office, Sandy says Shady Matt is MIA. Ryan thinks maybe he overslept and Matt rushes in to confirm. He just needs a couple minutes to gather himself before the meeting. Sandy tells him to also comb his hair. Sandy keeps it real. Shady Matt thanks Ryan for not busting him. He says he’s got the meeting totally under control.
At school, Summer has somehow located a band uniform and joins the marching band line. She spots Seth harassing a cheerleader while in a pirate costume. The cheerleader tells Seth that they already have a mascot and the peg leg he’s waving around is creeping her out. Summer yells out to Seth and asks what the heck he is doing. They snit at each other until Summer asks why he has to be better at her than everything. Seth says that he’s not. He was only better than her at one thing. Summer looks after him sadly, because she’s better than him for sure and is going to let this guilt her.
Johnny’s Shack. He’s in the kitchen getting a glass of water when there’s a knock on the door. Somehow, he manages to fall. Marissa lets herself in and he calls out to her. She runs into the kitchen to help him up.
Diva: I love that the first words out of her mouth were, “where are your painkillers?” which is Marissa’s response to pretty much every situation.
Mari: A+
Julie and Kirsten arrive at Jeff’s place to set up for his party. Kirsten asks where they should set-up and Jeff is all, “ACTUALLY, IT’S A SURPRISE DATE!” See, he hasn’t invited anyone to this party. He paid five grand so that he could trick Julie into joining him for a date, instead of using his words and actually asking her. Kirsten says they are out of there, but Julie has totally fallen for this hook, line and sinker. Kirsten sees herself out.
Diva: Yup, I would definitely take that as my cue to leave. Also, is it just me, or is Jeff’s place totally the same set as Jimmy Cooper’s bachelor pad from a million episodes ago?
Mari: Oh, girl. I’m never going to remember that.
Strip Club of Procrastination. Sandy and his Eyebrows march right in and find Shady Matt sitting there with his favorite stripper. He apologizes, but Sandy isn’t having a lick of it. Sandy says that he could forgive Shady Matt for being unprepared and for bringing Ryan to a strip club, but not for lying to his face about it. He fires Shady Matt on the spot. Ryan tries to appeal to Sandy but the Eyebrows tell his to pipe down because he should be sorry too. Sandy and Ryan leave and Favorite Stripper looks more concerned than Shady Matt does.
Shack. Johnny is high on painkillers and confesses that he’s in love with Marissa. Just like every girl dreams of.
Diva: Johnny on painkillers = me when I’ve taken an Ambien but still can’t sleep. Except I also talk about puppies.
Mari: This is something that has to happen at the first Snark Squad Convention.
Seth comes into the pool house asking a ton of questions but not really interested in the answers, because Seth.
Diva: They carpool together, which prompts Seth asks Ryan why they don’t have cars. Because he has not yet learned that contrivance brings people together.
Mari: Summer’s house. The girls are in bed, but Marissa’s phone is going off. Summer tells her to ignore Johnny. Marissa is still trying to pretend like maybe Johnny doesn’t really like her, but Summer knows that pain killers or no, that boy is in love. Marissa’s phone beeps again and she says she has to call Ryan. Summer asks if she’s going to tell him about the Vicodin love confession and Marissa just stares at her. Blankly.
Office of Grand Eyebrows. Ryan comes in and apologizes. He didn’t say anything because he really thought Matt had it handled. Ryan tells Sandy that Shady Matt got recently dumped. You just know Sandy’s heart is already squeezing at the mention of a kid going through a hard time, but he wonders why Matt didn’t say anything. Favorite Stripper lets herself in and says Matt didn’t want anyone to know. Sandy snarks that Matt must be a good tipper. Favorite Stripper WITH LAYERS says that she and Matt are friends from college and she’s dancing to pay for law school. She doesn’t dance for Matt. They share their feelings and stuff. Matt has been going through a lot and he just crashed and burned. Sandy looks a little hesitant, but Favorite Stripper WITH LAYERS says that she can get them another meeting with the investors because one of them is her customer.
Diva: True life: Favorite Stripper WITH LAYERS is awesome.
Mari: Summer is on her way out when she finds Seth at the front door. He’s there to apologize. They take a seat on the front step. Seth says that Summer is superior to him in every way. They are cute as they make up and Seth says that the both of them could get into Brown. And this is why we have once-an-episode fights between these two, folks. For nose kisses and tender moments.
Julie visits Kirsten and tells her that (surprise!) the surprise date was a failure. Julie wonders at a guy willing to spend $5000 for one date. Kirsten’s eyes widen as she says she has an idea for their business. Julie thinks she means call girls, but Kirsten is actually thinking high end dating service. Julie likes that and they fist pound on it. I don’t know why.
Diva: Julie even did the little explosion after the fist-bump. Like, who are these women?
Mari: Marissa is on her way out when Johnny and his mom pull up. Johnny’s like, “GUESS YOU MUST THINK I’M A STALKER.” and Marissa is like “ha. Ha ha ha.” Anyway, even though Johnny didn’t mean to make a Vicodin Love Confession, he did mean the love confession part of it. He hopes they can still be friends though. Marissa says okay, but she wants to be far away friends. Taking a break friends. Please go back to your shack now friends. (D: I love everything about these descriptions.)
Montage time! Seth and Summer work on their college applications together, Ryan drives to see Marissa who is out driving to Ryan’s house. In front of a mailbox, Seth and Summer promise to love each other, no matter who gets into Brown. They deposit their applications and kiss.
Ryan calls Marissa and they discover they are each sitting in the other’s room. Ryan says he’ll head back home, but Marissa just wants to talk. She starts it off by telling him the story of the Vicodin Love Confession. We fade out before we get to that part of the story, really, but Ryan already looks like he wants to murder punch someone. And he’s the one who got a lap dance.
Next time on The OC: Ryan has a Bar Mitzvah to raise money in S03 E10 – The Chrismukkah Bar-Mitzvahkkah
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
