Previously: Pacey and Dawson competed in the world’s preppiest dick-measuring contest.
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The Anti-Prom
Democracy Diva: Joey and Dawson walk-and-talk about finals. They arrive at the Leery Manor porch, and Dawson starts word-vomiting about some pact. Apparently they agreed to go to junior prom together many moons ago, and Dawson insists they should go, but he says “as friends” so many times that I’m positive he’s full of shit.
Kirsti: I’m not sure whether I’m more horrified that Dawson’s making such a huge deal of JUNIOR PROM or that he’s holding Joey to a promise she made over two years ago. Either way, DUDE, NO.
Diva: The front door to Leery Manor opens and we see Gail and Mitch sucking each other’s faces. Their hands are wrapped around each other, so I’m not sure who opened this door, or why they couldn’t have completed their sexy times before exiting their house, but whatever. Joey looks shocked, and Dawson looks confused.
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
Joey pretends to be late for something, and bails, because she is smart and knows she does not want to be around for this drama. Mitch stays behind to talk to Dawson while Gail heads to the restaurant. Dawson does not want to have a big feelingsy chat about this, and insists he’s numb to his parents’ drama now. Mitch tells him it’s not exactly casual, but he and Gail also haven’t actually discussed getting back together. GROW UP, LEERYS, and use your words. Jen and Henry’s relationship is all the immaturity I can handle, and they’re HALF YOUR AGE, so you have no excuse. Dawson is like, uh, then please leave me out of this until you’ve figured your shit out.
K: Hey, look! We found the one thing that Dawson gives zero fucks about controlling!
Diva: It’s a miracle!
Meanwhile, Andie is studying and Pacey is awkwarding. He’s really sad, and Andie tells him to get back out there. Go to the prom. Even with her, if he wanted to, since she’s still sifting through offers and hasn’t made a decision yet. Pacey is like, “do you want me to ask you to the prom?” but Andie insists this is about Pacey’s happiness. He tells her to take one of the other offers, because prom does not equal happiness in Pacey-land, and Andie says she will. But the look on her face says “yeah I was totally lying about those other offers and I only want to go to the prom with you.” You know, if everyone just stopped being a lying liar who lies, we could have gotten through this episode in ten minutes flat.
K: And then had like 30 minutes left over to give Pacey much needed hugs.
Diva: YES. How dare you deprive us of Pacey hugs, show!
Potter B&B. Joey tells Bessie that she and Dawson are going to prom together, and Joey is freaking out about it. She knows this is just as friends, but also, what about Pacey? Bessie points out that accepting Dawson’s invite puts her right in the middle of his war with Pacey. Joey’s just trying to get everything back to normal. She insists she has no appealing choice left and begs for her sister’s advice to this solution-less problem. Joey reiterates that no matter what she does, someone gets hurt. Yeah, we know. SO GO BE WITH PACEY BECAUSE THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT YOU WANT. (K: Truth.)
Capeside High Cafeteria. Andie says that this prom can kiss her ass, and explains to Jack that she wanted Pacey to ask her, but instead she has to go alone. Jack, being intelligent, thinks that going solo is preferable to going to prom with an ex that she still has feelings for. Andie says she’s over him, and wants to go with him as friends, but she’s as full of shit as Dawson is. Jack exposits that the theme of this prom is “couples.” Like, the couples attending. Um, how is that a theme? At least the prom in Never Been Kissed is about famous couples.
Anyway, the point is that every damn piece of decoration at this prom will have the names of the couples attending on them, which seems like an awesome way to shun anyone who couldn’t get a date. Jack explains that he’s going with Ethan, but only as friends.
K: I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story on Snark Squad before, but OH WELL. I went to an all girls’ school, and then – as now – I avoided parties like the plague. As a result, the only boys I knew in high school were my little brother’s friends, and my cousins. So I took my cousin to the year 12 formal because he was friends with a bunch of my friends anyway and that way I didn’t have to worry about awkwardness. Except that we had to provide the name of our date to the school, and everyone spent the next two months thinking I was a child bride because me and my partner had the same surname. SIGH. The moral of this story? Providing date names is bullshit.
Diva: 1) Repeating stories on Snark Squad is a grand tradition. b) I went to prom with a friend; romantic prom dates are so overrated. cat) oh my God, prom, stop caring what our dates’ names are.
Jen talks to Henry about the prom and how stupid and humiliating and gender-normative it is. Henry realizes she’s never been to a prom before, and asks if she’s asking him to go. He says he’d love to. I think I ran out of “no 1 curr” gifs last time there was a Henry-Jen plotline, so just know that I continue to not care.
Uptight Prom Ticket Nazi informs Jack that the theme is couples, and Jack must state his name and the name of his date. He stutters Ethan’s name, and the Uptight Nazi selling prom tickets explains that a boy cannot go to the prom with a boy. “The definition of a prom date is a boy and a girl,” she tells him, and I’m going to choose to be happy about how far our society has come in the fifteen years since this episode aired, because otherwise I might reach through my laptop screen and punch this idiot in the face.
K: Not gonna lie, if you replace “prom date” with “same sex marriage”? Uptight Prom Ticket Nazi sounds a lot like the Australian Government.
Diva: I had the same exact thought about the American government (until like a month ago when we finally got our shit together).
Then she tells Jack to stop ruining prom for the rest of them, and I legit need to walk away for a minute so I don’t end up destroying my computer. Uptight Nazi says she’ll check with Mrs. Meyer, head of the prom committee, before she can sell Jack a ticket, and also says lots more mean things.
Dawson is up next. He gives his name and Joey’s. Stupid Bitch asks if the happy couple is back together, and he says, “something like that,” when the actual truth would be, “no, nothing like that at all.” Pacey overhears this and my heart just can’t handle it, not right after watching Uptight Nazi devastate my poor Jackers. Dawson even sees Pacey hear this, and doesn’t bother to be like, oh, nope, that was a misunderstanding.
K: Because Dawson is a douche. Obvs.
Diva: On the steps outside, Dawson, Joey, Andie, and Jack are trying to figure out how to circumvent Uptight Nazi. Jack says he’s just not going to go to prom. The girls insist, and Joey reminds him that it’s political now, but Jack doesn’t want a political prom. He just wants it to be fun, and he doesn’t want this to have to be such a fight for him and only him. The girls insist that they’ll support him, and this is what he has to do. Andie decides that if Jack isn’t going, neither will she, and Joey agrees she’ll stay home too. Dawson looks less than pleased by this turn of events. Andie says they should boycott and protest, but Dawson has a better idea. He thinks they should hold the anti-prom instead. Mazel tov, Dawson, for this star that I’m grudgingly awarding you.
K: My notes say “Oh, please, Dawson. Logan Echolls did alterna-prom so much better.” AND Logan manages to be endearing while being a dick. So he’s got that going for him.
Diva: Word. If you didn’t know Dawson, this anti-prom could seem altruistic, and a wonderful thing to do for Jack, but I’m pretty sure Dawson’s just contriving any situation in which he could convince Joey to be in love with him again. Joey and Andie think it’s a great idea, and Jack agrees. “What would an alternative prom be without a couple of gay guys?”
Dawson pitches holding the anti-prom at the restaurant to his parents. They ask why, and he says big things are happening, and he wants to facilitate his own big thing. So, yeah, this is not about Jack at all, this is about Dawson getting what Dawson wants while lying to Joey and pretending this is about friendship. Because he is, and forever will be, a tremendodouche.
Dawson exits, and Mitch tries to have a serious talk about their marriage in front of their kitchen staff. Maybe this isn’t the time and place, Mitch. Gail doesn’t want to analyze everything – she wants to just see where this goes. And mostly she wants to know who put cayenne pepper in the marinara sauce.
K: I’m distracted by the fact that you could fit three more Mitches into his shirt. When the shoulder seams are half way to your elbows, friends? PUT THE SHIRT BACK AND GET A SMALLER ONE.
Diva: Jack and Andie set up the Anti-Prom ticket sale table right next to Uptight Nazi – but their tickets are half the price. Brilliant. Two dyed and pierced people buy tickets, and Uptight Nazi talks about how they’re society’s dregs and all the important people will be at the real prom. And SHE wouldn’t go to their anti-prom if they paid her. Jack thinks that’s great, because he doesn’t want her kind there. “The good Christian kind?” she asks, because according to her, being a good Christian involves being unbearably unkind and monstrously rude to anyone who is even a little different than you. He says, no, the intolerant hypocritical kind. Andie adds that Uptight Nazi also has bad fashion sense, and Jack agrees. Uptight Nazi is all, well at least I’m not going to hell, and Andie and Jack have perfect reactions to this:
“LOLOLOL this bitch is nuts”
K: Seriously, so perfect.
Diva: Casa de Grams. Grams is fitting Henry’s suit. She leaves to get her tea, and Jen decides it’s time for she and Henry to have The Talk. The Prom Sex Talk. His eyes go crazy wide. She says prom sex generally sucks, because there’s too much pressure. She wants to make a decision now to not have prom night sex. He says he’s not in a hurry. He wants to know if they’re going to do it eventually, though, and she just smiles and kisses him. WHATEVER, LET’S MOVE ON TO THINGS I CARE ABOUT.
Pacey stops by House of McPheelings. He asks if she’s going to the anti-prom. Andie talks about how good it felt, throwing the basic-bitch-prom ticket back in Uptight Nazi’s face after she mocked Andie for going solo to the prom. Pacey says, what about all your offers? Andie admits that that was bullshit. She didn’t want to tell Pacey the truth, because she didn’t want him to ask her to prom out of pity. And it doesn’t matter now, because anti-prom is happening. Pacey says she should have told him the truth, and it would never have been a pity ask, because it would be an honor to go to prom with her. He stands up and formally asks her to the prom. She smiles and takes his hand.
K: STOP BEING PERFECT, PACEY. Take note, Dawson, of how Pacey put his feels aside to make things about Andie rather than using her as a tool to get him to prom.
Diva: Potter House. Bessie takes pictures of Dawson and Joey all dolled up. I guess even alternative proms require formalwear. He brought Joey a pair of diamond earrings – they’re a loan from his mom. She’s too afraid to wear them, but he insists. They take one last picture.
K: The diamond earrings thing is REALLY FUCKING STUPID because Joey made a huge song and dance earlier about how she didn’t want a corsage. Dawson, admittedly, did listen to her on that one, but BROUGHT HER DIAMOND EARRINGS INSTEAD?!?!?!?! Also, the idea of wearing someone else’s earrings kind of squicks me out.
Diva: I never thought about that part, but I’m now totally grossed out. Someone sterilize those earrings, stat.
Leery’s Fresh Fish/Anti-Prom. Mitch reminds Gail to lock the cash register when they see some people they feel to be unsavory-looking. Your profiling is rude, and also the cash register should be locked no matter what. These idiots are going to run this restaurant into the ground.
Jack and Ethan sit at a table and awkward. Jack insists he’s not worried about anything. Jen and Henry show up, as do Dawson and Joey. And then Pacey and Andie join the crew, and Joey’s face falls. Dawson asks her to dance, and Pacey and Andie take a seat. Everyone’s chatting, but Pacey just stares at Joey as she dances with Dawson.
K: Okay, but like we NEED to talk about the outfits here, and I can’t believe our resident fashion guru didn’t do this. 1. I LOVE Jen’s dress. It’s stunning.
2. I love that Pacey’s not wearing a bow tie. I can’t explain why, I just do.
3. Andie is a trainwreck. To quote directly from my notes: “Jesus fucking Christ, Andie. Your prom hair and make up make you look like you’re in a Capeside High production of Les Miserables and you’re playing post-hair-selling Prostitute!Fantine. Who has an eye infection.”
Diva: I apologize for being lax in my fashion duties! But OH MY GOD ANDIE’S EYE MAKEUP. Conjunctivitis central (no offense to Kirsti, who actually has conjunctivitis).It is so difficult to take her seriously with that under-eye glitter.
After the not-break, the couples are dancing. Jen asks Henry what he’s thinking. He insists he wasn’t thinking about sex, but Jen says he’s allowed to think about sex. They’re both stuttery and weird and generally the unsexiest.
Ethan says he’s glad Jack had the courage to bring him tonight. Ethan starts to tell his saga, but Jack doesn’t want to hear about his happy gay times right now. Ethan explains that he and Brad never did anything together. Ethan’s never been brave enough to ask a guy to a prom or even an anti-prom. Jack realizes Ethan’s stuff about “self-actualization” was, if not bullshit, then definitely not coming from a place of personal experience. Jack thinks it’s kind of unfair that Ethan wanted them to cross this hurdle together, since Jack knows everyone here and Ethan doesn’t know anyone. He feels tricked into this act of supposed bravery, and thinks the courageous thing would have been telling Ethan that he isn’t ready for this and he doesn’t want to be here. Ethan apologizes, and Jack snarks about him being a wise, gay sage and bails to get a soda.
Jen tells Henry that there are other things to talk about besides sex. But neither of them can really thing of anything. She word-vomits about summer plans. He says that sounds great, after he gets back from football camp in Cleveland. For two months. Jen can’t believe he’s telling her this now and ruining prom for her. She adds that whatever slim possibility of sex tonight previously existed is now definitely gone. He’s all, um, what about our no sex pact, and she explains that that’s just something you say to lessen the pressure and seem spontaneous. Henry just looks confused as hell.
K: I’m also confused as hell, but mostly that’s about the TWO MONTHS OF FOOTBALL CAMP part. Because the summer holidays in Australia are six weeks long. Sometimes seven. But definitely not long enough to go on a two month football camp and still have time left over to do couple-y summer things, as per Jen’s plan.
Diva: We got just over two months of summer break, so there would be time to do a little bit of couple-y summer things after football camp. But not much, at least in my school district.
Pacey dances with Andie, but can’t keep his eyes off Joey. Joey asks Dawson why he brought her here tonight. Was it to hurt Pacey? Um, yes, Joey. He might as well be pissing all over you to mark his territory. But Dawson insists it’s not that, he’s just mad Pacey showed up to his mom’s restaurant at his prom. Joey reminds him that this night was supposed to be about, like, the opposite of excluding people. Joey feels like he’s parading her around like a prize. Dawson wants to start over, just them at the prom having fun. But Joey can’t handle it, and gets the fuck out of there.
K: I honestly can’t understand why Joey’s so convinced that she NEEDS to still be friends with him. Girl, he’s proven time and time again that he’s a monstrous fuckwit whose thought processes are ruled by the giant blonde spider on his head. You should have run screaming into Pacey’s arms months ago, if not years.
Diva: On the pier, Joey finds Jack, and jokes about them making a run for it. He’s hiding from Uptight Nazi – not literally, but he thinks she was right about him not belonging here. And he ruined any chance of a good time by treating Ethan like shit anyway. Joey just wants to go back to how things were. Jack says she has to be the one to set the example. They agree to hide out together on the pier for awhile instead, and they hold hands, and it’s sweet.
Mitch and Gail dance and also have a sex talk. Mitch is basically like, I am not your sex toy, and I need to be honest with you. He can’t keep doing whatever they’re doing unless he knows what it actually it is. Gail asks Mitch what he wants, and he says he wants her to be the one to define their relationship for once. Cool, great convo, thanks for taking up screen time that could have otherwise been occupied by PACEY.
K: #accurate
Diva: Joey approaches Pacey and asks him to dance with her. They dance, and he asks her why this feels so right. She jokes about the dance lessons. He asks where she got the earrings, which don’t seem like her. Not because she’s a tomboy, but because she isn’t showy or gaudy, but simple and elegant. Like her bracelet, he points out. She says it was her mother’s bracelet, and he knows. She doesn’t remember telling him, but he tells her every detail about this day six months ago, what she was wearing and where they were, and how she had found her mother’s bracelet that morning.
Joey can’t believe Pacey remembered that, but Pacey remembers everything, because Pacey is amazing.
K: Pretty much exactly what my notes say.
Diva: Dawson watches them dance and broods. Andie watches them dance and broods, but also almost smiles a little bit. Joey nuzzles Pacey’s shoulder a bit, then opens her eyes and sees Dawson, and he just bails. Joey makes a heartbroken face at Pacey.
After the not-break, Joey chases after Dawson (K: Girl. WHY.). He SCREAMS at her for doing that to him, and she explains she’s trying to get things back to normal. I already know how much more I’m going to hate Dawson by the end of this conversation.
Dawson says they can’t go back, and she can’t dance with Pacey at his prom. She reminds him that tonight was supposed to be about friendship, and Dawson is like, no, you should have known I was lying to you? Or something? He is the fucking worst. He admits that he organized this whole thing for a chance to “hold you and make you remember what it was like between us,” which is a pretty rapey thing to say. She asks if he tried to make tonight perfect so she’d pick him over Pacey (um, duh, he kinda just said that), and he just says she has to pick someone. He goes on to say that she’d be missing so much if she doesn’t pick Dawson, and I laugh forever and ever and always. Think of all the drama you’ll miss, Joey! Think of all the misery and manipulation and lies and bullshit and controlling behavior you’ll be giving up! Dawson kisses her, and says that’s how the evening was supposed to end.
K: A+ gif selection. Because YUP. Literally everything about this is the worst.
Diva: Henry and Jen arrive back at Casa de Grams. Jen is furious, and he asks what her deal about the sex stuff was. She calls him a coward, and says she planned their whole summer together and he didn’t think about her at all. She made herself vulnerable and now she feels stupid. His decision had nothing to do with her, and that’s the problem. Henry says he can’t do any more big gestures. If she goes inside the house, it will be goodbye FOREVER, and so she says goodbye. Excellent choice, everyone! Can this be over now?
Jack chases after Ethan and I have no idea where they even are. They both apologize. Jack doesn’t know what’s going on between them and that’s why he doesn’t know if he’s ready for it. Jack admits that his discomfort was because Ethan doesn’t like him as much as he likes Ethan. Jack asks why Ethan didn’t just kiss him, and Ethan explains that he didn’t know if Jack was ready, so Jack will have to kiss him first. Jack says maybe he is ready. Ethan says, they’re alone in a train station (oh, THAT’S where they are), with no one around, “no lights or cameras or network television to cut to commercial.” (This would have been a cute line if they actually did kiss, but since they didn’t, it feels cheap as all hell.) Ethan dares Jack to kiss him, and Jack’s teary and can’t do it. Ethan walks away.
K: Let’s go ahead and add Jack to the list of characters who need a hug. Which is now basically all of them except Dawson. Who I’m going to push off a cliff.
Diva: HUGS FOR EVERYONE!*
*but murder for Dawson.
Pacey and Andie walk and talk. He says he really thought he wanted to go to the prom with her, but when he got there, he realized he wanted Joey. Andie is understanding and happily says he at least got to dance with her. Pacey just wants to make it up to Andie, but she’s not mad at him, she just feels bad for him. Pacey confesses that he’s going to sail True Love down to Key West this summer on a solo Hemingwayesque adventure. He’s leaving right after finals.
K: Not sure where Pacey got the money for this little jaunt, but OKAY.
Diva: Yeah, it made sense when Seth Cohen pulled this move, because he has an Orange County level of disposable income. But Pacey can’t just throw down his parents’ credit card if he gets into trouble. So… I don’t really know how this plan is going to work.
Andie asks if he’s told Joey how he feels, and he says she already knows. But she ask if he’s REALLY told her, because it’s not like him to run away without saying anything. He has to tell her that he loves her, and try to get her back, or he’ll regret it. Andie cries as she says this last part and I am definitely allergic to something in this room.
K: But seriously. That hair. That make up. Prostitute Fantine with an eye infection.
Diva: SO MUCH SO.
Joey gives Dawson back the earrings. They’re not quite her, but she had fun wearing them. Joey says she felt something when Dawson kissed her, something that will probably always be there. But she can’t choose, so she’s telling him what she told Pacey – don’t make her choose. She just can’t. Dawson says okay. He has faith, and he’ll wait. He speechifies about his soul-searching journey, and no one cares. This season has not been about you, Dawson. It has been about Pacephine, and Pacephine only. (K: YUP)
Gail runs into Leery Manor and makes Mitch sit down. She gets down on one knee, and Dawson and Joey follow her into the house like creepers. They watch her speech and she asks-without-asking Mitch to marry her, and he says yes-without-saying-yes, and they make out. Dawson and Joey smile.
Seriously? We ended the episode HERE, of all places? The storyline I truly could not care less about?
K: Literally the only good thing about this episode was Pacey in formalwear and that “I remember everything” conversation. And Jen’s dress. Everything else can go die in a fire. Especially Dawson.
Diva: Pacey in formalwear makes everything better, but even that cannot save this episode.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: the season finale brings us DAWSON’S CRY-FACE. FINALLY. Get ready for the face that launched a thousand memes in S03 E23 – True Love.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.