Previously: Sam and Dean hung out at their old high school and it caused a lot of flashbacks.
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Sex and Violence
Kirsti: We open with a woman beating the shit out of some steaks with a meat tenderiser the size of Mjolnir. Her husband gets home from work and she’s all judgey about how late he is. He snaps at her, then apologises. As he gets a beer from the fridge, she tells him that she ran into a friend and they’ve been invited to a 40th birthday party at the weekend.
When she tells him she said they’d go, he slams the fridge door and snaps that he doesn’t want to waste his Saturday night at a stupid birthday party. She says she’ll ring and cancel and turns around to switch on a lamp. He smashes her head in with the Mjolnir tenderiser, because we need to get our drink on nice and early. MISOGYNY SHOTS!
Marines: You can chug it down to the tune of, “another one bites the dust.”
K: Except that I wouldn’t dream of associating Freddie Mercury with this show.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, we pan up Dean’s sleeping body. He wakes, surprised to see Sam’s bed empty. Sam’s on the phone in the bathroom, and Dean watches judgmentally.
As Sam starts to wrap up his conversation, Dean pretends to be asleep. Sam wakes him and says they’ve got a case. Apparently this is the third case of domestic violence murder in two months, and none of them have any priors. Charming. (M: It’s very, “he always treated me good before…” and made me feel icky.)
Cut to the boys talking to Mjolnir Murderer in prison and claiming to be lawyers. Mjolnir Murderer says he don’t want no stinking lawyer because he’s going to plead guilty. GOOD. Dean says they just want to understand what happened. He gives them the bare bones of the story, and they ask why he did it. He has no idea, but he was totally in control so it wasn’t possession.
Dean pulls a handful of papers out of a briefcase, and is all “Wow, $9000? That’s a lot to spend”. Mjolnir Murderer demands to know where he got the papers from. Dean informs us that Mjolnir Murderer’s credit card statements show he’s been spending a ton of money at strip clubs, and MM finally admits “Her name was Jasmine“. She was everything he wanted, totally perfect. He killed his wife because Jasmine said they could be together if his wife was dead.
They were meant to meet up after he’d murdered her, but she never showed up and he realised that he didn’t know her surname or her real name or her address or anything. Maybe it’s because of Angel Related Trauma talking, but have you considered the possibility that she’s an evil deity from another universe whose face is full of rotting maggots?
Mari: I literally made this comment right before this paragraph. Sorry, Princess Jasmine but Angel ruined that name forever.
K: YUP.
Sam wants to know why Mjolnir Murderer didn’t mention this to the cops, and he says Jasmine’s not the murderer, he is. And he wants to pay for what he did.
Cut to a woman wearing a lab coat who looks FAR too young to in a position of medical authority popping some painkillers for a hangover. She totally belongs on Grey’s Anatomy. Sam comes in and introduces himself as an FBI agent. He asks about the wife murdering cases and the lab results that came out of them. After asking to see his badge again, she tells him that the autopsies on the wives were all clean, but there was one weird thing in the bloodwork of all the murderers: crazy high levels of oxytocin.
Sam’s all “the fuck is that?” and she informs him that it’s a hormone commonly found during childbirth, lactation, and sex. The thing that makes you feel like you’re in a nauseating bubble of love, basically. (M: No one I know has ever said childbirth feels like falling in love…) (K: Well, not so much the birth. But the bit where you get a baby at the end, apparently.) (M: PFFT.) She and Sam stare at each other significantly, then Dean interrupts. He introduces himself flirtily, and she gives him this look that’s all “Yeah, no. Totally gonna bang your brother though.” Dean’s offended.
Sam asks her what would cause the levels of oxytocin, and Grey’s Anatomy says nothing she’s ever seen could cause levels that high. He jokily tells her to have a greasy breakfast for her hangover, and she flirts a little in return as he leaves. Out in the hall, Dean says “Dude, you totally C-blocked me“. Dean, sweetie. Not everything is about you (M: and your c). Sam’s face says the same thing.
On their way out of the hospital, it’s time for our regularly scheduled infodump! Both the other wife murderers had spent a shit ton of money at a strip club too. It’s called The Honey Wagon, which just makes me want to play Oregon Trail. (M: Weird.) (K: Look, Australia didn’t have ye olde covered wagons. We had ye olde bullock carts. Therefore, to me? Wagon = Oregon Trail) Sam asks if they all had affairs with a stripper named Jasmine, and Dean informs him that it was three different girls, but each of them was totally perfect for the guy in question, and they used the same words to describe her. Sam says it’s like they were under a love spell. Dean doesn’t really care, because he’s too busy being excited about the fact that their case involves strippers.
That night, Dean heads into The Honey Wagon. He finds the manager and asks where he can find Jasmine, Aurora, and Ariel. I’m guessing Dean’s not a big Disney fan if those names don’t ring a few suspicious bells. The manager’s all “Hi, fake names are normal around here”. He doesn’t have any paperwork or any way of keeping track of the girls either. Dean bitchfaces, then gets over it by staring at some boobs as he makes his way over to Sam.
Sam informs him that he’s spoken to Bobby and they have a theory: they’re dealing with a siren.
K: Same.
The siren can apparently read minds and use what they find in your brain to turn themselves into what you want most. Therefore, they’re probably looking for one siren who seduced multiple men. Dean’s pissed because that means it could be literally anyone.
With that, we pan across the strip club to a weedy looking guy in his early 20s. A stripper approaches, and he happily greets her as Belle. Clearly, he’s gonna murder someone soon. She leads him out into the back alley, and they disappear off into the night. At his house, he checks to make sure his mother is still asleep. “Belle” tells him he’s amazing for not just putting her in a nursing home, but he insists it’s no big deal. “Belle” undresses and they boink on the sofa. The mirror over the fireplace shows us her true form, and it’s nasty.
As they snuggle post-coitally, “Belle” gushes about how wonderful he is before saying that she wishes his mother didn’t take up all his time, and that they can’t be happy while she’s around. She works her mojo and convinces him to bash her brains in. He hesitates for a moment, but she tells him she loves him, and he grins happily before picking up the poker and getting his murder on. “Belle” leaves as he kills his mother, and we fade to black.
Mari: I was a little impressed by how easily she just stepped back into her dress and walked out. I’d still be jumping around, trying to reach the zipper…
K: RIGHT?! That’s how you know she’s evil.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s doing research at the Motel of the Week. He stares at Sam’s phone sitting on the table next to him. It’s kind of like how I stare at my phone during particularly long days at work. “I know I just checked Twitter, but maybe I should check Twitter again?? Something might have happened in the last two minutes…” The moral of this story is that I have a week left on my billing period and I’ve used 85% of my data *cries quietly* (M: *cuddles her unlimited data*) (K: *glares at countries where unlimited data is a thing*)
Eventually, Dean – just like me – cracks and picks up Sam’s phone. He calls the last number dialled, and Ruby picks up. He hangs up and puts the phone down just as Sam walks in. I don’t know much about Game of Thrones, but I’m pretty sure the wallpaper in this motel room is #TeamLannister:
Whut.
Sam fills Dean in on the new case of matricide, then his phone rings. Dean’s all “Oh, right, you left this here” and Sam gives him a suspicious look. It’s Bobby, who informs them that he’s found a hella old Greek poem that says to kill a siren, you need a bronze dagger coated in the blood of a sailor infected with her song. The boys are all “Huh, what a stumper, whatever could this mean?” and yet here I thought it was pretty fucking obvious that you need the blood of one of her victims. Jesus Christ, how have you two stayed alive this long?
Mari: They really played up this whole, “ugh this is so old and confusing!!” thing. Too much, show. Too much.
K: Waaaaay too much.
Anyway, Bobby suggests that maybe the siren has some kind of venom, and Sam says maybe it’s transferred during sex. Dean chimes in that maybe it’s like a supernatural STD. Gross. He says they can get blood from one of the murderers, but Bobby points out that once they’ve committed murder, they’re not under the spell any more so it won’t work. Sam says that he has an idea about where they can get the blood, and Bobby tells them to be careful.
The boys head back to the hospital so that Sam can make puppy dog eyes at Grey’s Anatomy some more. Dean glares a little. Sam asks if they can see the blood samples she took, but they’re interrupted by Hoyt Fortenberry from True Blood. They get all “EXCUSE YOU” and pull their badges. He pulls one too, and things get awkward. Grey’s Anatomy leaves them alone to sort out their dick measuring contest. Hoyt follows protocol, and the boys tell him to call their Assistant Director and sort things out. I half expect them to claim that his name is Walter Skinner, but no.
Sam hands over a business card, and Hoyt steps away to make the call. He tells the “Assistant Director” that the boys are getting all up in his case, and we cut to Bobby, wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron as he makes dinner. He tells Hoyt that the D.C. office has jurisdiction and to stop wasting his time. He hangs up the phone, and it’s one of many, each labelled appropriately – FBI, CDC, health department, police etc. Bobby’s awesome. (M: So awesome, from phones to apron.)
Hoyt reluctantly admits that the boys have jurisdiction. Sam tells him that the blood is a dead end, and Hoyt suggests going to the strip club to do some more investigation. Dean starts to tell him to fuck off, but Sam pulls him aside and says it’s a great idea because it’ll keep Hoyt out of the way while Sam gets the blood samples. Dean only agrees because it means he can stare at half naked women some more. He and Hoyt head out to the Bromobile, and Hoyt’s all “WOW BEST CAR EVER”. Dean preens a little.
Meanwhile, Grey’s Anatomy wants to know why Sam needs the blood. He says they know a specialist who wants to run some tests. She goes to get him the blood, but it’s gone. At the strip club, Dean and Hoyt down shots of whisky and fire classic rock trivia questions at each other.
Dean’s all “THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER”. A stripper stares at him suspiciously from across the club.
Hoyt tells Dean that he went back to the last crime scene that morning, and found a bunch of purple hyacinths. He checked the previous crime scene reports, and there were flowers at every crime scene. Clearly, they’re a calling card left by the killer. Dean says he knows where the flowers came from. Cut to Grey’s Anatomy’s office. There’s a potted hyacinth on her window sill. She and Sam review the security tapes, but there’s nothing there. Whoever took the blood messed with the tapes too. Meanwhile, Grey’s Anatomy is clearly DTF because her shirt is unbuttoned to the bottom of her bra. Good Lord, girl. You’re at work. (M: GA is confusing “work” and “werk.”)
Grey’s Anatomy asks what the deal is with the blood, and Sam says he thinks someone drugged the men and persuaded them to commit murder. She’s all “LOL WHUT”, and says that everyone’s had relationships where you really love the person but still kind of want to bash their skull in. She pulls out some booze and pours them both a glass. When Sam’s all “…SERIOUSLY?”, she tells him that it’s medicine and she’s a doctor. He smirks and takes the booze.
As they drink, she tells him that the guy whose skull she wanted to bash in is her ex-husband. These things happen, she says. Sam’s phone rings, but he doesn’t answer. She whispers in his ear that she’s been thinking about him all night. “Well. Parts of you…” she finishes. Sam smirks, they kiss, and literally two seconds later, they’re ripping each other’s clothes off. In her office. With the blinds open. On the windows that look out onto the hospital. Literally anyone walking past could see you. Come on, Grey’s Anatomy. Even your namesake would have taken this somewhere more discreet. Anyway, the zoomy cameraman zooms in on the hyacinth as they bang. Fade to black.
Have some back porn.
Mari: That’s the kind of stuff you unbutton your shirt at work for.
K: Fair.
After the Not Commercial Break, Sam’s back at the Motel of the Week. He walks into their room to find it empty. He calls Dean, who’s super pissed about him going off the grid to get laid. He fills Sam in on the hyacinth development (which is kind of a great name for a band), and says Grey’s Anatomy is totally their siren because her ex-husband is dead. Like, drop-dead-of-a-heart-attack dead. Sam says there’s probably an explanation (M: …like a heart attack…), and Dean’s all “Bitch, please” and says that Sam’s probably infected.
Sam insists that he’s fine, but Dean’s busy eyerolling over Sam’s unnatural attraction to monsters. It’s like Xander Harris, Demon Magnet, but with more sex. Sam says he’ll come and meet Dean so they can keep working, but Dean refuses and says he’ll handle it himself. He hangs up. Sam throws his phone at the wall. Dean calls Bobby and leaves a message saying that he thinks Sam’s in trouble. Then he calls Hoyt and says he needs his help tracking someone down.
Cut to Hoyt staking out a cocktail bar as Grey’s Anatomy walks in. Dean gets into Hoyt’s car, and says they should wait and see who Grey’s Anatomy leaves with. Hoyt says Dean’s theory sounds totally batshit crazy, and Dean asks Hoyt to trust him. Hoyt somewhat begrudgingly agrees, and Dean’s a little relieved that someone’s still willing to trust him. They pass Dean’s hip flask back and forth, and Hoyt asks how Grey’s Anatomy is drugging her victims.
Dean says he thinks it’s through physical contact, and Hoyt’s all “Or maybe it’s through spit. Like my spit that you just drank from not wiping the top of that hip flask.” Dean stares in horror. (M: I do too, mostly at the spit sharing.) Hoyt’s all “Yeah, I’m the siren, bitch. Now let’s go kill Sam so we can be brothers forever.” Fade to black. Okay, but can we stop and talk about the fact that Dean Winchester’s perfect partner was a dude? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the closest the show’s ever gotten to my Bisexual Dean Winchester head canon…
Mari: I was prepared to go with you but had to stop because then we would have to admit that his “perfect partner” is this little brother dream and EW EW EW EW EW.
K: Yeah, that’s fair. It helps that the first time I saw this episode, I didn’t pick up on the little brother vibe until Hoyt was all “I’M LIKE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, GEDDIT??”
After the Not Commercial Break, Sam walks into the Motel of the Week to find Hoyt sitting on the bed. He’s all “The fuck are you doing here?” at which point Dean jumps out from behind the door and puts Sam in a choke hold, a knife to his throat. Sam joins the dots surprisingly quickly, and tells Dean he can fight off Hoyt’s power. Hoyt chuckles a little, and tells Dean to cut Sam’s neck a little. Dean does it without question.
Mari: Sam’s nose flare is like, “well, crap.”
K: A friend and I once created The Bill Pullman School of Acting With Your Hair, which Peter Gallagher is also a graduate of. I hereby create The Jared Padalecki School of Acting With Your Nostrils, because seriously. He does that a little too much.
Sam snaps that Hoyt’s poisoned Dean, but Hoyt says he just gave Dean what he needed: a little brother who looked up to him and who trusted him. Sam struggles but can’t get free. Hoyt smiles as he says that watching someone kill for you is the best feeling in the world. I’m pretty sure that’s buying new stationery and finding that there’s one more candy in the bag when you thought you’d finished it, but sure. Someone committing murder sounds like it’d be right up there… (M: if you are Anastasia Steele and find the whole murderer thing hot?)
“Is that why you’re slutting all over town?” Sam asks. I’m… not sure if that warrants misogyny shots or not. Let’s have them anyway, just to be safe. (M: You are really good at drinking games.) Hoyt says that he gets bored and just likes falling in love over and over again. Sam’s disgusted. Hoyt gives zero fucks. He grabs Sam’s face and spits venom into his mouth. Sam spits it out, but it’s too late. Dean lets him go. Hoyt steps back and tells the boys to talk over their issues. Whoever wins the fight can be with him forever. Sure, all three characters in this scene are TOTALLY heterosexual. (M: And not at all incest-y!)
The boys death stare each other, then Dean says that the Sam he knows is long gone. The Sam he knows would never have phoned Ruby, let alone kept her phone calls a secret. Sam snaps that he’s keeping secrets because he’s a better hunter without Dean. Dean’s weak and scared and whiny. They start throwing punches as Hoyt sits and watches with interest.
Dean slams into Sam and the force of it knocks the motel room door off its hinges. They end up in the hallway. Sam’s on the ground, dazed. Dean grabs a fire axe (side note: are fire axes seriously a thing in the US? Or are they a Hollywood thing?? Because here we just have extinguishers and fire hoses…) (M: Now I can’t remember if I’ve ever seen a fire axe…) and Hoyt tells him “Do it for me, Dean“. Dean throws Sam’s words about his weakness back in his face and swings the axe.
But a hand reaches out and stops him. It’s Bobby. He stabs Dean in the shoulder with a bronze dagger, and Hoyt gets “OH SHIT” face before making a run for it. Bobby throws the knife and it hits Hoyt in the back. He falls to the ground, dead. The mirror shows his true reflection as he falls. The boys blink and exchange feelsy looks as the spell falls away. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s time for beer and man pain! Oh wait. It’s time for soft drink and man pain, because Bobby’s an excellent surrogate parent and doesn’t want the boys drinking and driving. Dean bitchfaces as he drinks.
Sam thanks Bobby for showing up and saving their lives. Bobby says they’ve saved him enough times. But also that they’re dummies for not checking that Hoyt was actually an FBI agent.
He asks if they’re going to be okay, and Sam’s very quick to assure him that they’ll be fine. Bobby starts to leave, then turns back to say that sirens are dicks and it’s okay to feel bad. He drives off, and Dean asks Sam if he’s going to see Grey’s Anatomy before they leave town. Sam says there’s no point, then says he didn’t mean what he said under the siren’s spell. Dean says he didn’t mean what he said either. Sam asks if they’re cool, and Dean’s all “Sure, whatever”. They finish their soft drinks and get in the Bromobile, but their faces say that they’re anything but cool. Fade to black.
This episode is…odd. On the one hand, I like that we get a new and exciting old school monster to hunt. I like that said monster is clearly a fan of Disney movies (something that’s sadly underexplored). I like that Dean’s perfect person is a dude. I like Bobby showing up to save the day. But the extreme domestic violence was totally unnecessary, I gave zero fucks about the “are we okay?” lies of man pain, and that whole Sam-boinks-a-hot-doctor subplot was totally pointless. So I’m guessing this one will end up in the middle of the pack somewhere when we rank things.
Mari: Agreed. I also dig that they took a thing that could’ve been extremely misogynistic and at least tried to give it a spin by having the siren manifest as male to Dean, which is a thing you probably wouldn’t expect. For the showdown at the end, having the siren be a male while they shot words like slut and bitch at it was almost like they made a conscientious decision to flip the misogyny? But lol, no probably not. Let’s not give this show too much credit.
I found this one entertaining but nothing life changing. Middle of the pack consensus.
Next time on Supernatural: People have stopped dying so clearly something weird is going on in S04 E15 – Death Takes a Holiday.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
