Previously: So many terrible things happened, it took us nearly a year to finish recapping the season…
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The Red Woman
Marines: After approximately 2 weeks worth of continuous previouslies, we go to the credits: King’s Landing, Bolton Winterfaux, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen and Dorne.
Democracy Diva: WINTERFAUX. A+. That is the only thing we are allowed to call it until a Stark is safe there again. (So, that’s the only thing we’re ever gonna call it, I guess.)
Mari: We’re starting this season with the exact right expectations.
We start right with Jon Snow because of course we’ve all spent the year away going, “he is definitely not dead… right?” We hear howling in the background (D: *sobs*) as the camera slowly pans over to his body, in the blood-drenched snow. Ghost is clawing at the door of his cage. The noise brings Ser Davos The Best Onion Knight in the World out to see what’s happening. He sees Jon’s body and rushes that way. The traitor sign is still up behind Jon’s body and Davos can’t even with this right now. His eyes are as wide as dishes.
Other Night’s Watchmen come out– the kind who weren’t awful and didn’t stab Jon in the (front and) back. Probably Dolorous Edd is probably among them. Ser Davos tells them to bring Jon inside. Davos stays back a second, looking at the pool of blood disbelievingly. Or maybe he’s worried because Creepy Red Lady Melisandre is somewhere nearby and that bitch loves her some blood? Or maybe because people say the blood pool looked like a dragon wing or a wolf howling:
Catherine: God bless you, internet.
Mari: Inside, Probably Edd (D: it is in fact Edd, but please don’t stop calling him that) (M: Cool! Saves me editing time…) touches Jon’s wounds sadly and closes his eyes. Davos asks how many of the Wall Bros he can trust and Probably Edd spits out the word, “trust?” like Davos hasn’t been watching the last six seasons. NO ONE, DAVOS. YOUR BESTIE KILLED PRINCESS SHIREEN. Sorry. I’ve been having Shireen feels since I saw Davos, so I’m actually pretty impressed it took me a whole paragraph to shout about it.
Anyway, Probably Edd says he trusts the men in the room. Davos asks if Ghost will recognize him, because they need all the help they can get. Probably Edd turns to get Ghost, but there is a knock on the door. All the Trusted Bros draw their swords, but it’s Melisandre’s voice we hear, calling out to Davos. Probably Edd opens the door for her. She, for her part, looks pretty taken aback by this whole thing as well. She says she saw Jon in the flames, fighting at Winterfell. Davos shakes his head a bit at this, probably because he doesn’t know why this crazy lady is still surprised that her flames are wrong.
Diva: Actual question: has anyone ever seen any of those Trusted Bros before? I don’t recognize any of them except Probably (Definitely) Edd.
Mari: I never recognize any of them, but I’m pretty sure this is the first we’re seeing of these super trusted bros.
In the hall, all the Night’s Watchmen are shouting. Ser Alliser Thorne bangs on the table and tells them that they all know why they are gathered. Jon Snow is dead. Someone asks who killed him and Ser Alliser says he did, along with the other officers in the castle. The shouting starts again as people accuse them of being murderers and traitors. Alliser bangs on the table again and tells them that they are right. He then gives a long speech about how Jon Snow would’ve been the end of the Night’s Watch. Lord Commander Snow did what he thought was right by letting the Wildlings in, but it would’ve killed them. I kind of want the Others to eat Alliser first. The men start murmuring instead of yelling, so I guess they are cool with murder now.
Ghost sniffs at Jon’s dead body and whimpers, just so we can have direwolf feels.
Diva: Goddamn you, tumblr, and your book-quotes-over-show-scenes-gifs. I am powerless to resist this shit.
Mari: Probably Edd wants to go kill all of the Night’s Watch and let Ghost chomp them all to bits, but Davos is talking him down from that. One, because it probably wouldn’t work and two, because Jon wouldn’t want his friends to die. Probably Edd doesn’t care about dying. He just wants to take out Alliser with him. Davos says they might need to fight, but they don’t have to die. They aren’t the only ones who owe their lives to Jon Snow. Probably Edd gets it and tells the Trusted Bros to bolt the door and not lot anyone in until he gets back.
Winterfaux. Ramsay Bolton is sitting next to Myranda’s dead body, telling an unfortunate maester the story of how fearless the kennelmaster’s daughter was. Ramsay puts his hand on Myranda’s head and promises to repay her pain one thousand times over. He regrets she won’t be around to watch. The Unfortunate Maester asks if they should have a grave dug or a pyre built. Just so we remember after our break who we are dealing with, Ramsay tells the Unfortunate Maester not to waste the meat and feed the body to the hounds.
Catherine: I literally gasped at this part. I mean, I hate them both and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised what a garbage truck Ramsay is anymore but holy shit, guys. Holy shit.
Mari: Roose Bolton congratulates Ramsay on a battle well fought and a dead Stannis. The congratulations last for a breath before Roose is like, “but this Sansa thing is the worst.” Roose entered into a deal with the Lannisters to arrange that marriage. Facing a prepared Lannister army wouldn’t be the same as facing Stannis’s tired, old army. A reckoning is coming and they need the North in their corner, but the North won’t back them without Sansa. And Ramsay can’t produce an heir without Sansa. And without an heir, well, Roose says he hopes the maesters are right and Walda Frey is carrying a boy. Ramsay is distressed. It’s a wonder that Roose isn’t afraid this little turd won’t kill him in his sleep.
Diva: Sorry, showrunners, but in no universe can I believe that Ramsay wouldn’t be hunting down Theon and Sansa himself. Hunting people is basically his only hobby, and these are REALLY important people for him to catch. Ain’t no way he’s outsourcing that job.
Mari: That is incredibly true, but for the sake of Sansa, I’m glad Ramsay is behaving in this out-of-character fashion. STAY YOUR ASS RIGHT THERE, RAMSAY.
Ramsay’s hunting party is out. We hear the barking of his hounds as Theon and Sansa run. Sansa is stumbling. She’s scared and tired and I already feel the tears. That’s where I am with my love and stress levels for Sansa. They reach a stream of water (D: made of Mari’s tears) and Theon says they have to cross. Sansa tests the water and says she’ll die before she can cross. Theon insists, saying that he’s seen what those hounds do to people. Dying frozen would be better. Sansa accepts this argument and they cross.
We cut to them still walking in the snow. They reach a fallen tree and Theon leads Sansa to huddle there for a moment. He tries talking to her but she’s unresponsive, so he pulls her into a hug to warm her. They spend only moments this way before we hear hounds barking again. Theon gets up to lure them away. Sansa doesn’t think she’ll make it without Theon, but he tells her she will. She has to head North because Jon is Lord Commander at Castle Black and will help her. That was a nice little poke at my exposed heart because Jon Snow is dead.
Before we move on, let me just say that Alfie Allen is doing a wonderful job here. He’s shaking like a leaf at points, but he’s moving so confidently in leading Sansa and trying to get her to keep going. Theon has become one of the most complex and confusing characters for me. He acted so horribly and it landed him in a terrible position I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I don’t think this excuses him, the torture he went through, but also I question myself and wonder how much suffering he’d have to go through exactly before I thought it did…? That movement toward Sansa, that quick hug to keep her warm spoke all of the complexities of this character. That movement was desperate and heartfelt and it was well acted by Alfie Allen and it was directed toward my favorite character AND I’M JUST CONFUSED.
Catherine: Definitely. Anyone showing basic human kindness to either of these characters at this point is heartwarming. I think both of them having to be roommates with Ramsay definitely equalized them a bit. And if ANY character has changed a lot it’s Theon.
Diva: Cosign. All the Emmys for Alfie. He’s been doing an increasingly complex, incredibly layered performance for years now, and he’s only getting better.
Mari: Theon runs out but the hounds and soldiers are right right there. They ask Theon were “Lady Bolton” (EW. NO.) is and Theon lies that she’s dead. They don’t believe him and the hounds catch Sansa’s smell. They run over to her and find her easily. One of the soldiers tells Theon he can’t wait to see what parts Ramsay cuts off of him this time.
As they grab Sansa, someone rides up. BRIENNE OF MF TARTH YOU GUYS. I am literally making unintelligible happy noises.
There’s fighting, but thanks to Brienne, Pod and Theon (but mostly Brienne) all Ramsay’s men die.
Catherine: Once Brienne shows up the fucking fight is over. Pack it in, guys. Respect yourselves.
Diva: I’m going to have to start recording my reactions to this show, because I straight-up screamed at my television when Brienne showed up and started both literally and figuratively SLAYING.
Mari: Sansa stands and Brienne approaches her, placing her sword before Sansa and kneeling. She offers her services to Sansa again, vowing to shield her back, keep her counsel and give her life for Sansa if need be. She swears it by the old gods and the new. Sansa looks over to Theon who gives her a look and maybe a little nod, but promptly looks away. Sansa starts to reply with what are learned lines. This is a rehearsed interaction, a tradition, the exchange of high society, being carried out in the snow, on the run, bruised and battered.
Sansa stumbles over the words of the vow and it breaks my heart. She holds her head high, but she stumbles because these are words that tie her to an old life, so far away now. Pod helpfully, kindly prompts her on the next part and Sansa continues to vow Brienne a place at her hearth, food at her table, and offers her a pledge to never command her to anything that would bring her dishonor. She swears by the old gods and the new. Sansa commands Brienne to arise and there is so much emotion on her face, that I CAN’T.
Diva: I had a feels overdose when I realized Lady Catelyn must have said those same exact words to Brienne. And this is a beautifully performed scene, with Sansa seeming like she’s speaking a language she thought she’d forgotten.
Mari: King’s Landing. Cersei is sitting alone when a handmaiden enters to announce that a ship from Dorne just sailed into the harbor. Cersei happily runs to the dock to what she believes will be a reunion with her daughter. She quickly sees a very serious Jaime and a covered body just behind him on the boat that is rowing in. We watch Cersei’s smile fade, her face stiffen and the tears come into her eyes. Lena Headey continue to absolutely destroy the acting game, you guys.
We cut to later. Bells toll for Myrcella. Cersei says that when their mother died, she couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to the dead body. Now, she’s thinking of putting Myrcella in that crypt and the decomposition of her body. Jamie tells her not to think of that, but Cersei feels like she has to so that Myrcella won’t suffer alone. Jamie says she isn’t suffering. She’s gone and nothing can harm her now.
Cersei has feelings over how good and sweet and pure Myrcella was and how that made her think that, if she made something so unlike herself, maybe she wasn’t a monster. Nothing Jamie says comforts Cersei. Instead, she says she knew this would happen. The witch prophesied that she would have 3 children and they would all die. And Jamie warned after Tywin’s death that people would try to tear them apart, and that’s happened too. Jamie tells her to fuck prophecy and fuck everyone in the entire world because they are all that matters. He promises that they are going to take back everything and more. I don’t know if Cersei believes it at this point. Also, this whole “we are all that matters” mentality is exactly what brought the Lannisters to this position, but okay.
Diva: Jamie sucks at motivational speeches. Taking over the world won’t bring the children Cersei loves back to life. (Well, I guess on this show, it might. But you get my point. Be better at this, Jamie.)
Mari: Also, like, weren’t you kind of getting decent or something?
Sackcloth Fashion Jail. A septa is reading Margaery some holy writing, but all she wants is to know how her brother is doing. Margaery tries to demand to see her brother, but the septa just moves to beat her with the holy writing and IDK if you are allowed to do that. Margaery flinches away but before she can get hit, the High Sparrow walks in. Margaery asks him about Loras, but he’s here to talk about that sweet, sweet confession. Margaery is like, “no thank you,” and the High Sparrow leaves.
Dorne. Ellaria is walking with Doran, supporting him as he makes slow progress. Doran is reflecting on how Oberyn got all the hot men, women and travels while he got to sit in Dorne and rule. Ellaria says it all worked out because they’d have each been lousy at the other’s job. It’s all pretty chummy until a maester walks up to hand Doran a message. Myrcella is dead. Doran looks over at Areo Hotah and before Areo has a chance to react, Tyene Sand, who is standing behind him, stabs him in the back. Ellaria stabs Doran.
As he struggles to his death, Ellaria tells Doran that his own people are disgusted with him not doing anything after Oberyn and Elia were murdered. Doran starts to say something about Trystane but Ellaria cuts him off and says that Trystane is weak and weak men will never rule Dorne again. Doran dies.
We cut to King’s Landing. On the Dornish ship, Trystane is painting death eye rocks for Myrcella. Obara and Nymeria let themselves into Trystane’s room and announce they are going to kill him. Nymeria asks him to pick which one of the sisters will do it. Trystane picks Nymeria, but when he gives his back to Obara, she kills him with a spear through the face.
I just… ugh. I liked the Martells. Oberyn the most, but perhaps the others and Dorne in general from being removed from the other happenings. Doran seemed to know the cost of avenging Oberyn and Elaria and that made him seem weak in the eyes of his people, who will probably now be thrust into conflict that will bring lots of pain and death. I think the Sandsnakes are strong and I love to see lady warriors, but I also think they are cocky and dumb. That’s not a winning combination.
Catherine: I’m just like not even sure what the Sandsnakes are fighting for anymore? This isn’t how you do strong female characters, dumb writers.
Diva: If the show wanted me to give any fucks at all about these murders, it should have given even a modicum of character development to LITERALLY ANYONE IN THIS ENTIRE STORYLINE. Stop ruining Dorne, show. #MakeDorneGreatAgain
Mari: A+. All of the daughters are the same person to me and also I love that Ellaria is like, “I’ll avenge you Oberyn!” and proceed to kill off his family. #MakeDorneGreatAgain
Meereen. Tyrion is taking Varys for a walk through the city to get the lay of the land.
Mari: Tyrion tries to offer a poor woman some money so her baby can eat, but she thinks he wants to eat her baby. This walk is not starting well. We next stop at a wall graffitied in ENGLISH that says “kill all the masters” and there is a response that says “mhysa is a master.” It’s like a bathroom wall in Meereen right now.
Catherine: For a good time call Daenerys
Mari: The boys agree that everyone probably hates Daenerys for different reasons and it isn’t getting better now that she flew away on a dragon and never came back. Tyrion and Varys are talking in a mostly empty market, but also they should be more discreet about their secret conversations. We see that as they talk about Vary’s information gathering attempts, someone is watching them.
Suddenly, we hear bells chiming and people yelling and see people come running into the empty square. Varys and Tyrion walk in the direction they are coming from and see that someone has set all of the docked boats on fire.
Countryside. Daario and Jorah are riding along, looking for clues and chatting about how cool and lovable Daenerys is. They both agree that they want to be around to see the world when Dany is done conquering it. Jorah takes a little break to peer at his grayscale and remind us that this is highly unlikely for him. This is also highly unlikely for Daario too, though, because everyone dies in this damn show.
Jorah and Daario come across the tracks the khalasar made when they were circling Dany. Jorah dismounts and finds the ring she left behind as a clue, so now they know that Dany has been captured and isn’t just taken an extended dragon vacation.
Diva: Do the Dothraki pray to the Great Contrivance Spirit? Because that spirit must be very strong here, to have Jorah magically happen upon Dany’s ring in a zillion miles of tall grass.
Mari: It is sacred, contrived lands.
We cut to the khalasar. Dany is bound and walking next to two gross dudes who speak in Dothraki about her, commenting on her looks and threatening to rape her. Of course, Dany understands all of this and just shoots them darts through her eyes.
They later take her to meet Khal Moro. The Khal’s wives suggest that he cut her head off. The Khal says that even if he were blind, he’d know the woman his wives wanted dead was beautiful because women, am I right? Khal Moro says that there is nothing better than seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time. His men actually start to name better things and Moro has to amend that seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is in the top 5 best things. If this weren’t jokes about rape, it’d be funny!
Diva: Why are these bloodriders also Borscht Belt comedians? I don’t understand any of this.
Mari: I guess you need comedic relief when you ride around on horses all day? IDK.
Moro grabs Dany and she finally reveals that she speaks Dothraki and tells him to let her go. She announces herself by her thousand names and after a few beats, they all laugh at her. Khal Moro calls her a no one and says he’s going to rape her that night and hopefully she’ll get pregnant.
Catherine: I mean, still though. That’s better than what they were originally planning for her. Things went better than expected!
Mari: On this show, that still means basically living in captivity.
Braavos. Arya is begging on the street. Nameless Cunt appears and I think for the first time ever, I see that she’s actually called the Waif. Huh. She throws a stick at Arya and tells her to get up and fight. Arya is like, “girl. I’m blind.” But the Waif doesn’t care. Arya tries her best but promptly gets beat with a stick. Waif says she’ll see Arya tomorrow. Get it? Because Arya is blind and the Waif is still exhibiting cunty behavior.
Wall. Ser Alliser comes with a bunch of men to demand that Davos and the Trusted Bros give themselves up. He’ll grant amnesty to the Trusted Bros and let Davos travel safely to the south. Davos says he wants some food to go too and this throws Alliser so off. It’s hilarious. Davos says they’ll think on the offer and get back to him by nightfall. It’s clear that none of this happened the way Alliser thought it would, so he takes off with his men.
Diva: I love Davos always, but I love SO HARD that his gentle, respectful manners completely fucked with Ser Alliser’s head.
Mari: Same, same.
Davos tells the Trusted Bros that if they open that door, Alliser is definitely going to kill them. But also, Alliser can knock down that door if he wants. They don’t have to make it easy for him. One of the Trusted Bros says that Edd (DEFINITELY EDD! I WIN!) (D: MAZEL TOV!) is their only hope and that’s a sorry state to be in. Davos says they do have Creepy Red as a resource as well. Sorry, Davos, but that is also a sorry state to be in.
We cut to Red now and she’s sitting by a fire. She gets up and looks into a reflective surface for a while before disrobing. She looks at her naked body for another bit before taking off a necklace she’s wearing that I hadn’t really noticed before this moment. We follow the necklace as she places it on her dressing table. When we see her in reflection she’s changed. And when the camera faces her properly again, we see that she’s a really old woman. She stares sadly at her old lady body before hobbling off to bed.
Catherine: Oh man, don’t we all do this at night though? Get sad about our old lady bodies. This is the most relateable Melisandre has ever been.
Diva: Melisandre taking off her necklace is basically me taking off my makeup.
Mari: So, hey! It’s a new season! I think this episode did a fairly good job at reminding us of events past and teasing at their long term consequences. The entire thing seems to hinge on the differences between those fighting to change the world and those striving to preserve it.
This is the struggle at the Wall and the argument Alliser made to justify his murder. Jon was trying to do something completely different for the sake of survival and Alliser acted to preserve an institution. They are actions that immediately make me feel sour because as a woman, first generation American, person of color, I can’t say that the idea of preserving an institution has always treated me well. I only bring that up now to say that Alliser sucks is my knee-jerk reaction.
This preservation of tradition theme is also found in Meereen where the struggle between slaves, masters, old and new continues to wage on, now without the presence of Dany to keep even a semblance of order.
The Sandsnakes act to basically wipe out a royal line (excluding their illegitimate claims) and cut off that bit of the past and move into an entirely new future.
Dany calls on tradition to save her, using her status as widow to make sure she is kept safe, and then learning that this same tradition condemns her to be jailed up in a city that isn’t hers.
Sansa moves into her future by recalling a ceremony of her past. She makes an alliance rooted in some recent history and it really was one of the more impacting moments of the episode for me, seeing new, hurt, but still strong Sansa in the snowy wilderness, participating in this tradition. Brienne closes a piece of her past by finally making it to Sansa’s side and fulfilling her promise to Cat. So, those two get to move on together.
In his speech to Ramsay, Roose tells him that he played his games with Theon and Sansa and now they are gone. I liked the nod to this idea that just because you can doesn’t mean you should. They needed Sansa and Ramsay’s cruelty sent her running. I’m not saying she would’ve stuck around forever, but we’ve seen Sansa endure. Ramsay pushed her to a place where she was ready to run. I think this is also reflected well in the Sandsnakes and everything I was saying about their acting because they can and perhaps not really thinking the consequences through.
These are not entirely new questions or directions. We started this series with people trying to break the status quo and the more privileged trying to maintain it. However, we are now stepping into new territory, at least in the sense that we’re all Snows here. I’m actually pretty pumped to see where it goes and I’m hoping against hope that the show is more careful about its decisions and portrayals this time around.
On a final note, we are doing #gameofsnark this season! We live-Tweet the show on Sunday nights 10pm EST, but you can Tweet using the hashtag whenever you watch the show. We monitor the tag until the recap goes up and then we pick our favorite Tweets to share here. I hope you’ll join us! I mean, even if you don’t, I’ll keep #gameofsnark-ing because it’s pretty much one of my favorite things about watching this show. But, you know. JOIN US!
THE JON SNOW RESURRECTION HOUR BEGINS NOW. (right?) #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 25, 2016
Still the credits that most make we want to cry. #gameofsnark
— Mari (@mynameismarines) April 27, 2016
Um? They stabbed Jon and then left his body out so he could turn into a white walker? Did they think this through? #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 27, 2016
i feel like not murdering your commander is kinda one of those unspoken orders, alliser #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 25, 2016
Sansa Stark is living my stress dream right now omg run run run. #gameofsnark #GameofThrones
— Mari (@mynameismarines) April 27, 2016
Watching that not terrible thing happen to Sansa legitimately made me tear up a little. #gameofsnark
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) April 27, 2016
Is it just me or would Prince have totally been from Dorne?? #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) April 25, 2016
Cersei looks like she went to fucking Supercuts right now. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 27, 2016
It is my favorite detail. Ex-slaves get all cosmopolitan with their anarchy-inspiring graffiti. #gameofsnark https://t.co/I8osQrNMKH
— Nicole Sweeney (@SweeneySays) April 27, 2016
i want that gif of jorah showing off his new cool stoney tattoo #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 25, 2016
weird how the dothraki let their prisoner keep that cool neckace, it’s probs worth a lot on etsy #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) April 25, 2016
So Arya is gonna be Daredevil now? #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) April 27, 2016
A naked woman over 80 gets the scariest background music of the episode. #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) April 25, 2016
Next time on Game of Thrones: Bran is still out there, somewhere, in S06 E02 – Home.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.