Previously: Bella met the Volturi, ha, ha, ha!
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Annie: The chapter opens with Demitri leaving the trio in the reception area and reminding them that they are not to leave until dark. Edward asks if someone is alright, so quietly that ‘the human woman can’t hear‘ and I’m confused because if a human woman can’t hear, how is Bella able to hear him?
And then I read it again and realized that when Bella says “human woman” she meant the receptionist, Gianna. So, like, what the hell are you, Bella?
Catherine: The worst. She’s the worst.
Kirsti: Meanwhile, I’m angrier about the fact that Bella tells us that Edward’s voice was “to low for the human woman to hear“. TO LOW. DID YOUR EDITOR EVEN *TRY*, STEPH?!
Annie: Aaaaanyway. Bella describes Edward’s voice like so:
“His voice was rough–if velvet can be rough–with anxiety.”
Woo, boy. Velvet rough with anxiety y’all! It sounds like a new brand of aftershave.
Marines: Why is she questioning this NOW? This entire book was based on you inducing hallucinations in order to hear angry curtains. And NOW you pause to wonder IF velvet can be rough? dskjfioewnfdfjdiojfweufvcnvsjkfqoejo9w3u43i8ehfsc.
K: I kind of want some coconut rough now… #antipodeanproblems
Annie: Alice tells Edward that he better make Bella sit. You know, like you would with a pet or child. Bella is apparently shaking and vibrating and wobbling and she wonders if this is how Jacob feels before exploding into a wolf…?
Edward is shushing Bella, and Alice tells Edward that she thinks Bella is hysterical. Alice suggests that maybe he should slap Bella, and I’m torn because OMG, someone should slap Bella! But she’s having kind of a legit emotional response to a stressful situation and she’s being hushed and called hysterical.
They’re being very dismissive, but Bella’s the worst and again I’d really like to slap myself so.
Anyway. Bella has been hearing a sound that she describes as a ripping sound and it took the discussion between Edward and Alice for Bella to realize she was the one making the sounds. (M: BELLA. PLEASE. JUST NOTICE MORE THINGS.) (C: You’re the damn narrator, Bella!) Bella is sobbing and Edward infantilizes her by pulling her onto his lap wrapping her up in his cloak and chanting to her that she’s going to be fine. Bella calls her reaction stupid. Right. How dumb of her to break down after facing death and seeing all of those poor people being lead off to some horrible, terrible certain death. But Bella is worried that she’s wasting precious time when she could be gazing at Edward’s perfect face, so she needs to just stop having human emotions already.
Mari: I can’t believe she just stopped her grief over a mass murder because it’s inconvenient and stopping her from gazing at her boyfriend’s face.
K: I mean, it WOULD BE really hard to see through the glittery diamond tears that Bella seems to cry, and obviously Edward takes priority over everything ever, so you really shouldn’t be surprised, Mari.
Annie: Related: New Moon makes a rather surprisingly loud thud when it hits the wall.
Catherine: Ha! That’s some in-depth reporting.
K: Wait until we get to Breaking Dawn. I nearly put a hole in the wall the first time I read it.
Annie: Gianna comes to check on Bella and once she’s gone Bella wonders if Gianna knows what goes on at Castle Vamp and if she knows they might kill her someday. Edward says that Gianna knows everything and that she hopes they’ll turn her into a vampire instead of killing her. Bella is horrified that Gianna would want to be a vampire, especially if she knows about the gruesomeness that goes on. And oh my god, girl, are you for real?
Edward’s face twists at something Bella said. My guess is Bella’s horrified reaction to the realization that vampires are monsters, and what sane human would want to be turned into that?
This human, apparently.
Bella is looking at Edward and then starts crying again. Edward asks her what’s wrong. Bella asks him if it is okay for her to be happy. He gives her the okay because they have lots to be happy about, apparently, because they’ve survived and they will probably live until tomorrow. (K: She also swoons over his magic flower breath again. DUDE. STOP.) Alice confirms this using her powers of contrivance and then Bella goes back to staring at Edward because she just can’t keep her eyes off his perfect face. They continue to stare at each other for a while, even while Edward and Alice discuss travel plans. Alice asks Edward about the Volturi vampires talking about singers and he’s all ‘LOL they said Bella’s blood sings to me’.
Gross.
Bella is exhausted but won’t sleep. Bella and Edward stare at each other and he pauses mid-conversation with Alice every so often to kiss Bella. And man, this is weird.
Catherine: Just another day in the weird cult that is the Cullen clan. Tomorrow they will all play tambourines and sing.
Mari: There might even be Kool-aid! Just saying.
K: We can but hope.
Annie: I will even buy it for them! Oops, did I type that out loud?
Alec comes to tell them they can leave and they head outside to where the festival is still going on. They make their way out of the city and Alice steals another car for them. Edward gets into the backseat, still holding Bella wrapped up tightly in his cloak. Like you would a baby.
Edward tells Bella to sleep and she refuses all the way back to Florence, then all the way onto the airplane. Edwards scolds Bella like a child for asking the flight attendant for some Coke. (C: How very Christian Grey of him.) She wants it for the caffeine because she doesn’t want to sleep. Edward fights her on this until she tells him that she doesn’t want nightmares.
K: His scolding fits in very nicely with that theory I once saw that Edward is just a stand in for a marble statue of LDS Church founder, Joseph Smith. Because caffeine is a no no for Mormons, yo.
Annie: Bella thinks the plane ride would be a good place to have a Talk with Edward because he would essentially be trapped, but she decides she is too exhausted to be sane and rational. LOL, like she is ever sane and rational.
Edwards spends the plane ride tracing Bella’s face and kissing her everywhere but her lips. That is a long g-d time to have someone’s fingers all over your face.
K: SO CREEPY. But also, Bella tells us that “I won the fight against my heavy lids” and stays awake all the way back to Seattle. SMeyer, girl. Have you ever been exhausted AND jetlagged AND on a post-adrenaline slump after crying a hell of a lot? Because I have. And you can’t fight that shit, not even with a single can of Coke.
Annie: You absolutely cannot win this fight with a can of Coke. For years, I traveled back and forth between Canada and Australia. One second you would be awake, the next it would be ten hours later, because YOU CAN’T FIGHT THE JETLAG. But, like, Stephenie wasn’t realistic about anything else, so not surprised she doesn’t get this, either.
When they finally make it back home, Bella is surprised the Cullens are there as a welcoming party. Esme tries to hug Bella, but Edward still has his arms around her because he’s a control freak.
Carlisle and Esme thank Bella and chastise Edward. Bella is super tired, so Edward and Esme drag Bella through the airport. At the parking garage, they find Emmett and Rosalie waiting. Edward is not too happy to see Rosalie. Bella and Esme tell Edward to not be a dick to Rosalie.
Emmett and Rosalie drive Bella and Edward home. In the car, Rose apologizes to Bella and thanks her for saving Edward. Bella accepts her apology because Bella did after all jump off that pesky cliff, so it’s partially her fault.
Catherine: It’s like 90% her fault. Rosalie just reported the fact as she knew them. Fucking Bellward, man.
Mari: I don’t understand why Rosalie is like, “I’m sorry I told your boyfriend you jumped off a cliff and he’s an idiot that flew to Italy to share all of our family secrets and sparkle in the sun.” Hold your ground, Rosalie! WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU.
K: Dammit, Rosalie. Don’t fall for their crap.
Annie: Bella finally falls asleep on the car ride home. She wakes when they get to her house. Charlie is pissed, as he should be. Bella is acting groggy and strange, and Charlie is asking Edward what’s wrong with her. Edward tells Charlie, the father of this teenager he’s carrying, that Bella is just tired. He tells Charlie to please let her rest. You just get the fuck out of here, Edward, you fucking wanker.
You have no fucking place to tell this man what to do.
Charlie, bless his damn heart, does not draw his weapon but he does tell Edward not to tell him what to do and to get his damn hands off Bella.
Edward tries to pass Bella to Charlie but she clings to Edward. And I’d really just like to punch her in the face right now. Bella tells Charlie that he should be mad at her, not Edward. Charlie is all ‘you bet I will be, you get in the house!’. 10 parenting points to Charlie!
K: Right on schedule for his 100-pagely responsible moment of parenting!
Annie: Bella sighs. She actually fucking sighs at her father and tells Edward to put her down. Edward puts her down and she nearly falls flat on her face. Eddie catches Bella and bargains with Charlie that if Charlie would just let him get Bella upstairs, he would leave. Bella freaks out, scared that Edward is going to run away on her again. Edward whispers to her that he isn’t going far and then barges into the Swan residence to take Bella upstairs.
Bella is asleep by the time Edward hits the staircase, but still manages to feel Edward prying her fingers from his shirt when he tosses her into bed.
Hey, SMeyer. Your narration is cheating again.
End of chapter.
Next time on New Moon:
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
