Previously: Edward swore he’d never, ever leave again, not even when Bella’s old and gross.
—
Kirsti: You guys, we are so close to the torture being over. SO CLOSE.
This chapter is called “Vote”, so WHO KNOWS WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she’s a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward’s neck and he promises them both that he’ll win her trust back.
Bella says she trusts him but not herself. He’s all “Whut”, and she explains further: “I don’t trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There’s nothing about me that could hold you.”
Bella, honey. This is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Marines: I’m not surprised but still absolutely exasperated at Edward getting away with his dump and run. And Bella’s like, “no, honey. I trust YOU but not ME because what if I make you DUMP ME AND LEAVE THE COUNTRY again?”
Yeah, girl. That’s not how that works.
Annie: Super awesome message to be giving to young adults, Stephenie:
It’s totally romantic to have your boyfriend or partner hold you ransom emotionally, so make sure you do what he or she wants you to do, even if you’re not comfortable/happy with it/into it, because they will LEAVE YOU if you don’t.
Catherine: She does it so passively, too. Like I don’t even think Meyer realized what she was writing here. We’re like archaeologists uncovering layer after old layer of problematic messages. Have I used that metaphor already this book? Haha! We’ve been so inundated with terrible writing I can’t remember! We’re dying inside!
K: Bella’s passivity when Edward’s around is awful. So, so awful. Especially when she’s the freaking narrator and she ends up as the object in basically every damned sentence.
Edward stops running to grab her and tell her that “Your hold is permanent and unbreakable“, which still isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship. Then he asks what her greatest problem is. She reluctantly tells him that it’s him. Because while all the Volturi can do is kill her, HE can leave her. Girl. Your priorities are seriously fucked up. Edward looks pained by this, and she tells him not to be sad. He sad pandas that maybe time will convince her that he’s not going to leave.
Mari: Also, I don’t get this insistence on him not leaving when he really should be saying, “I won’t leave you again.” It’s already happened, Eddie-boo-boo. You done did it.
Catherine: You cannot un-ring that bell. Unless that bell is Bella and then she’ll forget you ever betrayed her trust in like .03 seconds because you’re hot.
K: UGH.
Bella decides to distract him, and asks if she can have all her stuff back. Edward emos that they’re under her floorboards. Because apparently he, like, tore up the floorboards, shoved a bunch of stuff under them, then nailed them back down while everyone was out in the forest searching for Bella?? IDEK. (M: Super home improvement powers! NOICE!)
Bella’s pretty thrilled by this and says that she somehow knew the whole time that he still cared (C: NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT WHY DO YOU LIEEEE?), and that must be why she was having auditory hallucinations. Edward’s all “Having WHAT?”. She says it’s a long story, and he insists he has time to hear it. “His voice was unnaturally even” she tells us. Yes, because upsetting a person who’s just confessed to having auditory hallucinations tends to NOT GO WELL.
Anyway, Bella fills him in on the adrenaline rush = Edward the Velvet Theatre Curtain, and he’s all “YOU DID WHAT”, which is possibly the only sane person reaction he’s had in the first two books. Bella interrupts him to say that she’s having an epiphany. (M: Literally shushes him to have an internal epiphany…) Apparently, when she first heard the Velvet Theatre Curtain in Port Angeles – you know, when she went to dinner with Jessica and then wandered off to talk to creepy older guys outside a seedy bar? – she figured the options were insanity or wish fulfillment.
But GUESS WHAT, YOU GUYS? There was a third option that never occurred to her until now: “Edward loved me.”
Catherine: Incorrect, Bella. You want option number one. You had it right the first time. Please seek help.
K: Truth.
Yes, friends, Edward loved her so fucking much that she could hear his voice even when he was a million miles away from her. It was the universe’s way of telling her that they’re meant to be.
I… I can’t, you guys. I just can’t. This makes no fucking sense. None. NONE.
Thank you, Dean, for that perfect mixture of confusion and disgust.
Mari: Oh, I’m sorry. Does your significant other not love you so much you can make hallucinations appear? How sad for you.
Annie: And I guess now would be the wrong time to bring up how they really didn’t know each other very long, nor do they know each other well, and yet they’re SO in love, to be togethah forevah, because… she’s experienced auditory hallucinations? Ooookay.
K: None of this makes sense. NONE OF IT.
Edward asks what her epiphany was and we’re treated to this gem: “‘You love me,’ I marveled. The sense of conviction and rightness washed through me again.” He acknowledges the accuracy of this statement, and Bella tells us that her heart grows so big that she can’t speak. Again, SEE A FUCKING CARDIOLOGIST. She realises that he really DOES want her forever and he only left because he was scared for her soul.
NO. NO MORE SOULS. STOP WITH THE SOULS. I DEALT WITH TWELVE SEASONS OF MAGIC VAMPIRE SOULS, I DON’T WANT ANY MORE.
Annie: Here you go, K:
We’re almost at the end of this.
K: All of the vodka. That’s how much it will take. ALL OF IT.
Ahem.
Edward tells her that she did a better job of surviving without him than he did without her, and uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS REUNION SHIT, GET TO THE POINT. After some more pointless schmaltz, Bella tells us that “There was something pale and immense there” in the darkness. But it’s not Edward’s wang. It’s the Cullen house. Hurrah. (C: It would never have been his dick. Pale, yes. Immense? Doubtful.) (K: Good point.)
They head inside and Bella tells Carlisle that she needs to talk to everyone at once. We’re given way too much description of the dining room as everyone files in and sits down. Seriously, this book could have been at least a hundred pages shorter in the hands of a decent editor…
Mari: In the hands of a Snark Squad editing team, we could make this book disappear.
K: 
Anyway, once everyone’s gathered, Bella takes the floor. She tells them that the Volturi are expecting her to be turned into a vampire, but she doesn’t want to force any of them to be involved if they don’t want to. She’s happy to go back to Italy alone instead. Then she says that she wants them to vote on whether or not they think she should become a vampire. This… is a super weird scene, you guys. And it’s not helped by the fact that I took a dinner/Gilmore Girls break right in the middle of it.
Annie: Thank god for the power of Gilmore Girls. But yeah, this scene is not only weird, it’s stupid. Like, tell me again why these ancient murderous vampires GAF about this gnat of a human that they’ve met only half a dozen times before and whether or not she becomes one of them? I mean, outside of the obvious that she is the fucking wooooorst human ever and I certainly wouldn’t want to spend an eternity with her if I were them.
K: I’m pretty sure they only care because Edward cares and for some inexplicable reason, they don’t hate him?
But before they can get to the vote, Edward has something else to say. Of course. He tells the family that they don’t need to worry as much as Bella thinks they do. Because he’s found a loophole: Demetri is a super duper tracker, right? But no one else’s powers work on Bella, therefore he won’t be able to find Bella either. They’ll have Alice’s visions and Edward’s mind reading to warn them before the Volturi even turn up, and it’ll be plenty of time to stash Bella somewhere until they go away. (C: Like a broom closet? Romantic!)
Bella points out that they’ll still be able to find HIM, but Edward pooh-poohs this. He and Emmett fistbump and Emmett may actually turn into Thor: “‘Excellent plan, my brother,’ he said with enthusiasm.” Jasper agrees that this is a good plan while all the womenfolk are all like “Are you fucking stupid or something??” (A: Spoilers: Yes, they are.)
Bella decides that it’s time for the vote. Edward glares and says she’s staying human. Alice and Jasper are on Team Vamperise Bella. Rosalie votes for human, but says it’s only because she wishes there’d been someone there to advocate for her in the same circumstances. I know it’s a little early for this, but ROSALIE IS POSSIBLY THE MOST INTERESTING CHARACTER IN THIS ENTIRE SERIES AND YET SHE’S SHOVED INTO THE BACKGROUND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Sigh. Emmett votes vampire as does Esme.
Catherine: I feel for Rosalie so much in this series and it’s funny because I hated her when I was a teenager reading these. But can you imagine facing down an eternity with Bella and being given a way out and seeing it slip out of your hands like this because the whole rest of your dumb fuck hippie family want to add another member to their cult? Rough. Rosalie should just go be fabulous on her own. I bet when Edward and Bella were sobbing in the dark this whole book Rosalie was sitting on a beach, wearing a really big hat and sipping delicious fruity drinks. New headcanon.
K: Headcanon accepted.
Carlisle votes vampire, and tells Edward that it’s the only way that makes sense. Edward storms out and starts smashing shit up. Bella’s all “Soooo, Alice: get your bite on”. Edward freaks, and Alice panics that she needs time to prepare so Bella doesn’t die for realsies. Bella asks Carlisle to do it instead. He’s on board, but Edward intervenes again to point out that Charlie’s going to send out one hell of a search party in an hour or so, and Bella should probably be alive when that happens.
Bella stops to think about the human types that she’ll be giving up – namely, her parents and Jacob – and then tells us that becoming a vampire is literally the only way to keep them safe. Uh, okay. Edward says they should put off the whole conversation until after graduation, and Carlisle agrees. Bella reluctantly agrees but only because Charlie’s going to be awake soon and she needs to get home.
One piggyback ride later, Edward and Bella are back in her room. He paces back and forth while she tells him that whatever he’s planning won’t work. There’s some boring conversation, and then he asks what she wants most in the world. Apparently it’s for him to turn her into a vampire rather than Carlisle. That… is totally not a plausible response. “To bang you like a screen door in a hurricane”? Yup. “For everyone I love to be safe”? Sure. “To finish high school without causing another international vampire incident”? Definitely. But that? Definitely not her number one thing.
Mari: Did we learn about some connection between sire and vampire that I forgot thanks to booze? Or, like, what I’m trying to remember is if there is a reason why this would be her #1 wish in the world.
Catherine: In this series I don’t think there’s any particular connection between sire and vampire because all it takes is a single bite. James was almost Bella’s sire last book. No, yeah, she’s just being weird again. Go figure.
K: I suspect it all comes back to a Christian purity thing?? Like, her becoming a vampire is a virginity-losing metaphor and she wants it to be Edward because she luuuuuurves him and they’re Meant To Be? Or something???
Edward says he’ll turn her, but there are conditions: he wants her to wait five years. Bella’s all “EW NO I’LL BE OLD”. He bargains for three, and she says she won’t go any further than one, because it’s totally not fair for her to turn 20 while he gets to be a teenager forever. Edward gives up on the idea of time limits, because he’s found a better alternative: he’ll turn her into a vampire if she marries him.
Wow, you guys. “Marry me, and I’ll murder you”? What a romantic proposal. Swoon.
Mari: “Wait, my other bargaining chip isn’t working. Will you marry me?” I’m weak in the knees.
Annie: Nothing says romance like felonies where you’re the victim. Swoooooooooooon.
K: Bella freaks because she’s only eighteen and Edward counters with “Well, I’m nearly a hundred and ten. It’s time I settled down.” I have to say, that’s the only genuine laugh I’ve had in this entire monstrosity. Bella says she’s terrified of what her mother will say. Edward’s all “If we go to Vegas, we can get married immediately and you’ll be a vampire in three days”. They haggle back and forth because OMG I CAN BE A TEENAGE VAMPIRE BUT NOT A TEENAGE BRIDE. But Edward smirks that this is the best plan ever. He asks if it would have been better if he’d gotten a ring.
Catherine: Yeah, this whole OMG I CAN’T MARRY YOU thing is super dumb in context. She’s willing to spend forever and ever with him, she’s already pledged her life and her mortality but she won’t put a ring on it? I get that lots of people just aren’t interested in marriage but THIS is where Bella finally draws a fucking line? Really?
K: We’ve already established that Bella’s not – as my brother would say – the sharpest cookie in the fountain. This just confirms it.
Suddenly, they’re interrupted by Charlie getting up. Edward hides in the closet. Charlie comes in for a chat, namely “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS” and demands to know why he shouldn’t just ship her off to Renee in Jacksonville. Bella insists that she won’t go, and that she had to go to Italy Los Angeles because of an emergency. Nice cover story, girl.
She says that it was all a misunderstanding about cliff diving, and Charlie’s all “YOU WENT CLIFF DIVING WHAT THE SHIT”. She awkwards that she and Jacob were just mucking around, and Charlie starts yelling that she needs to stay away from Edward because “He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.” Bella snaps that she’ll move out if he’s going to be like that. I give zero fucks about any of this.
Mari: I’m just sad for Charlie, who had to put up with Bella’s crap the whole time Edward was crying and wanking or whatever and now he shows up again and Bella will be 1000xs worse to everyone around her. I wish Charlie could run away.
Annie: #TeamCharlie. He also has all the patience in the world, because forget Jacksonville. I’d be building a tower to lock Bella away forever in if she were my daughter.
Catherine: She’s a dick to him. And yeah, teenagers are dicks to their parents some times. It happens. But she’s only a dick to him when it comes to her boyfriend and that’s a sign of a toxic relationship, kids.
K: Agreed all round.
Charlie freaks, Bella says she won’t issue any more ultimatums but he needs to accept that she and Edward are a package deal. (A: Here she goes again. Telling Charlie how it’s going to be. Under his own damn roof. GTFO, GIRL.) Charlie storms out of the house, Edward reappears and begs Bella not to start anything over him, Bella says she’ll just move into his place instead which means they don’t have to wait until after graduation, they promise each other that they’ll be together forever, aaaaaand this endless chapter finally finishes. Hallelujah.
Em-dash count: 41
Ellipses count: 34
Next time on New Moon: A fifteen page epilogue that should probably be an entire chapter in Epilogue.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.